Tag: seven reasons

7 Reasons That 7 Reasons Almost Didn’t Appear Today

Hello, it’s Monday, Marc here. There was confusion and something got lost in the confusion and other things didn’t happen and the confusion prevailed – and the confusion was all mine, by the way – and it was all my fault. Here are seven reasons that normal service was interrupted by the confusion today.

1. I Forgot. I just forgot. I was awoken by screaming at 5am and I remember thinking two things: Firstly, “Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssseeeee, shut the fuck up!” and secondly, “I definitely posted yesterday, it’s not my turn, I can go back to sleep if my (extraordinarily loud) child shuts up”. I was mistaken. There was no way that anyone was going back to sleep and it was my turn, though I was too sleep-deprived/terrorised by a tiny person to realise that.

2. I Got Distracted. Happy – in my own mind – that I had a day off, I dressed my son in traditional baby garb; a top with ships on it, blue bellbottoms, socks with anchors on them and a sailor’s hat. I outfitted myself in a checked shirt, boots and jeans (essentially, we looked like a sailor and a lumberjack) then, ten minutes later, he peed everywhere and we both had to get changed (not to a builder, a cop or an Indian), but to a less flashily dressed baby and a now slightly nautical – and still a tiny bit damp – grown up.

3. I Relaxed. I just sat about in the sun – it only appears very rarely in Yorkshire (so rarely that we point at it) and soaked up its rays. Not only was it an unusual experience, it also dried the urine-soaked shirt that I was wearing quite effectively, without too much of a smell. At that moment that seemed like something of a victory. It’s nice to be dry.

4. The Health Visitor Came. And she is lovely. So lovely in fact that she complemented our son something rotten on his development and gave us such helpful advice that we invited her back in a fortnight to discuss my son’s belly button. My wife and I actually got distracted by talk of the belly button. I am sorry. Please pity us for what I have become, we used to be interesting people. We could, however, have discussed the belly button all afternoon. Really! Perhaps we did. Well, at least for a couple of hours.

5. Eventually Our Health Visitor Escaped Talk Of The Belly Button. I still had no inkling that it was my day to write and, in the afternoon, we strolled into town en famile. We went to the Chinese supermarket. Well, for me it was a trip to the Chinese supermarket to pick up noodles and sauces and things; for my wife it was a trip to the aquarium, to see the fishes and the lobsters. Fortunately both are housed within the same establishment, so we both had a good time. So did our son, though we don’t know which aspect he preferred yet. Time will tell.

6. Then I Went To The Pub. It wasn’t bath night and, as I still can’t feed our child much, I wandered off and spent a lovely evening in the local with some friends. It was great. Free from the responsibility of parenthood and reasonerhood I just forgot myself and had a great time. I was even awake for most of it, which makes a nice change from my state at home at the moment.

7. Then I Arrived Home. I thought I’d check on how things had gone today, 7 Reasons-wise: I soon found that there wasn’t a post; I checked the archive; I counted stuff on fingers and toes, and suddenly – with horror – I realised that it was my turn. I can only apologise. I mistakenly thought it wasn’t my turn and that I could somnambulate nonchalantly through my day. I was wrong, it was, and I can only apologise dear readers.*

*7 Reasons will return tomorrow, with the competent one at the helm. Sorry.

May 9, 2011
It’s That SPAM Again

It’s Sunday today, so we’ve taken our traditional day away from the reasoning-mine and, as they are often wont to do, our thoughts have turned to food. Now, some time back we brought you what we considered to be the ultimate SPAM recipe – Planked SPAM – but now we’ve unearthed something that has easily trumped Planked SPAM and knocked it into a cocked hat. Whatever that means. Brace yourself! It’s…

Yes, it’s SPAM ‘n’ Beans which is, apparently, exactly right for Saturday night (which is rather a shame as I took my wife for cocktails and to a really good concert in Northern Europe’s largest Gothic Cathedral last night (if only I’d seen this first)). It seems delightfully simple to cook, consisting as it does of two ingredients; SPAM and baked beans. Simply place slices of SPAM in baked beans and cook them on the hob, then serve in some sort of dirty brown pot with congealed sauce oozing over the side. Who wouldn’t be overjoyed to be served this? It seems that the simplest recipes are often the most delicious.*

*Sadly I’m the member of the 7 Reasons team that doesn’t eat meat and – as SPAM is a distant relative of meat – I can’t try it myself. Any readers care to give it a go?**

**7 Reasons will be back tomorrow, without any tummy trouble whatsoever.

May 8, 2011
7 Reasons That We Shouldn’t See The Photograph

Breaking news: The world is debating whether or not to look at a photograph, and here at 7 Reasons we have an exclusive. We have got hold of the picture that you should never, ever see, and we’re going to let you, our thoroughly grown-up readers, decide whether you want to look at it. The 7 Reasons team have viewed this graphic image and it’s fair to say that we were somewhat taken aback. In fact there was gasping and a bit of vomiting. We’re going to post a link to the picture at the bottom of this post but before you go there, let us explain why you shouldn’t look at it.

1. You Don’t Need To See It. Would your life be improved immeasurably by viewing it? No. Quite the opposite, in fact. If you want to look at it, it’s only because of morbid curiosity. You don’t need to see it, and your life will not be enriched by viewing it. Trust us on this, we’ve seen it, and once you see the picture, you cannot un-see the picture. It’s like Pandora’s box except it’s not Pandora’s box, it’s a box belonging to someone else. Don’t look into the box and certainly don’t zoom in on it with your mouse. The RSPCA don’t take that sort of thing lightly. Don’t look into the box!

2. It’s Gruesome. The image is bloody horrible. It’s truly sickening to behold and it will haunt you until your dying day. If you don’t want to see something so abhorrent that you might try to poke your own eyes out with a spoon* don’t look at it.

3. There’s A ‘Hole. A big ‘hole. Where once there was life, now there’s a big gaping ‘hole in the foreground; something vacant. You really don’t need to see the ‘hole. Viewing the ‘hole is a truly hideous and traumatic experience that you can well do without. I would have been better off without ever having seen the ‘hole. You will be too. Don’t look at the ‘hole.

4. It’s Puzzling. It really is. Imagine you’re a Viking and a blue cat wearing jeggings is explaining string theory to you. It’s more confusing than that. And you don’t get to wear a beard or one of those horny hats either.** There is nothing in the world that makes less sense than this image***

5. It’s Graphic. We don’t really know the circumstances under which the photograph was taken; perhaps it was hurried, we don’t know, and frankly we don’t want to think about it any further. But there’s still a fire visible in the background and there’s flesh. Much flesh. It’s apparent that the scent of burning flesh would have been strong when this picture was taken. You don’t need to see that or even think about it. In fact, stop thinking altogether. It only leads to trouble. Don’t think and don’t look at the picture.

6. Side-Effects. We’re reasonably young and healthy here at 7 Reasons**** and we felt unwell when we saw it. So we wondered what this image could do to readers with any underlying health problems and, even though we’re not real doctors, we’ve come to a conclusion via a process of wild speculation and abject conjecture: This image could kill. And dying would be inconvenient as you’ve probably got things to do this afternoon or dinner plans. Don’t look at the picture. And don’t die.

7. Trust. Now we’ve put the link to the picture just below this paragraph and we’re going to let you decide whether to look at it or not. But, before you make that important decision, consider this. If you look at the image, you’ll be doing it for the wrong reasons as – and we’ve made this quite clear – it’s bloody horrible and you don’t need to see it. We hope you’ll trust that the judgement of the 7 Reasons team in this matter is sound and that we have your best interests at heart. So when deciding whether to view it, remember that if you choose to look, you’ll be letting us down and you’ll be letting yourselves down too. Oh, and you should probably lock away your spoons.

Here is the link to the image, don’t click on it.

*Or whatever else you have handy, I don’t know why I assume that all 7 Reasons readers are equipped with a spoon.

**If we do have a Viking reader, imagine you’re a Norman. Or a Gerald.

***Except for the labels in baby clothes that say “Keep away from fire”. Where do clothes manufacturers imagine that people store babies?

****When the health and age of the team is taken as a mean average.

May 5, 2011
7 Reasons That It’s Great to be Back

We’re back! We’ve been away and while we’ve been away things have happened and that was lovely. But now we’re back, and it’s great to be back. Here are seven reasons why.

1. We’re Bigger And Better. Since we’ve been away, we’ve grown. Now we’ve come back bigger and better than ever. Bigger because Marc has used the holiday to practice his eating, and better because…well, we’re bigger than ever. More is more.

2. We’re A Force For Good. Last week we did the Osama Bin Laden gag to end all Osama Bin Laden gags and now he’s dead. Coincidence? We think not. There’s no telling what we’ll be able to bring about next just by poking fun at it. We’re hoping it’ll be untold riches or a book deal or something, but if we inadvertently end global poverty, homophobia or Masterchef then so-be-it. We make things happen.

3. We Keep France Honest. Ever alert, ever vigilant, the 7 Reasons team (well, Jon, he’s nearest) is keeping an eye on France. Now that 7 Reasons is back, there’s almost no Frenchist act of treachery or stupidity that you won’t get to know about. You’ll hear it right here first. It’ll be like being in Paris but with tea and no glass pyramid. Unless you have a glass pyramid in your house which, on balance, would be very weird. Why would you have one of those? Why?

4. We Give You A Sense Of Purpose. We post every day. Without fail*. So when 7 Reasons appears in the morning/afternoon/evening/at bedtime (delete as appropriate based on location/how slowly the team are writing that day) you know it’s a day. And that it’s a different day to yesterday. And to tomorrow, though you won’t know that until tomorrow is today, which is when a new 7 Reasons post appears. Yay!

5. We Are Refreshed, Rejuvenated, Reinvigorated And Many Other Words That Begin With Re. Before we took a break we said that we would come back more creative and so far today we’ve looked at the ceiling for a bit. We’ve also come up with a new blog idea called Lunch Wars in which we post pictures of our lunches and Lunch Wars readers get to vote for their favourite. It’s the ultimate lunch-versus-lunch death-match to the death; the most awesome epic sandwichy battle you’re ever likely to see; a titanic struggle of biblical proportions in which two sandwiches – two trained, honed butties at their physical peak – go head to head in colossal combat…

6. We Need To Do This. Because the 7 Reasons team have wives and children and fiancés and parents and siblings and nephews and nieces and cousins. And a friend. And when we’re not busy reasoning here, we’re busy hanging out with them and talking about sandwiches. And they need a break from us. They’ve grown haggard over the last fortnight. Haggard. And they get very upset when their sandwiches lose.

7. We’re Shiny And New. Look! Look around**, we’ve revamped almost everything. There’s stuff that lights up and stuff that moves and stuff that changes colour and probably stuff that stays still too. And there’s some stuff over there. Just look around and click on things. You can’t wear them out (hopefully). Go forth and look at the shiny-shiny. We’ll be back tomorrow***.

*With some fail.

**If you’re reading this on your Kindle stop looking around.

***Today?

May 3, 2011
7 Reasons That Bins Shouldn’t Have Passports

Terrible news, 7 Reasons readers. According to the UK’s Identity and Passport Service, 10,000 passports per year are thrown in bins. Probably. This – if their apparently baseless supposition – is to be believed, is an awful development. At 7 Reasons we are firmly object to bins with passports and are wholly opposed to the internationally travelling bin. Here are eight reasons why.*

1. Relationships. We don’t have wholly idyllic relationships with our bins, it has to be said. They’re generally old, ugly and a bit smelly. That aside, they don’t seem to have any great expectations of us and are generally quite happy to take any old rubbish from us (except glass, paper, cardboard, plastics, aluminium, more glass and compostables). If our bins had passports and were suddenly free to leave, we would miss them, and our gardens would probably look like this, assuming that they don’t already. In fact, hoping to god that they don’t already.

2. The Bins Might Go Somewhere Nice. Possibly Nice. Or Marseilles. And why wouldn’t bins want to go to somewhere exotic? This could lead to the world’s most popular beauty spots looking something like this.**

3. Postcards. People are rubbish at writing postcards. They’re usually bland, dull, slapdash affairs that convey little. Who’s to believe that bins would make a better job of it?

4. Bin-men. And what about bin-men? They become apoplectic with rage and petulantly start hurling rubbish and bin lids about if our bins are three feet away from where they expect to find them, let alone if they’re nine thousand miles to the left of the back gate gambling in Las Vegas or hiking in Peru. They’d be livid if they had to cross an ocean to fetch them.

I started searching Google Images for pictures of angry bin-men, then a bout of existential despair overtook me and I started looking for other, happier images. Please imagine an angry bin-man. I’m sure it won’t be too difficult.

5. Air travel. Airports will be even more hellish – if this is at all possible – if bins travel internationally. The queues at check-in and at Wetherspoon’s will be swelled by their ranks, and as for security…

Just a couple of bins at the metal detectors could cause this.

6. Mystery. And what if all the bins left Blackpool? How long would it be before anyone noticed? Years, probably.

7. Terrorism. If bins had their own passports, it could be possible for fugitives to secrete themselves within them and use them as international transportation. That could have all sorts of consequences. Could we see sights like this?

Osama Laden Bin!

7 Reasons will return tomorrow before going on holiday again for a few days. We will not be taking our bins.

*No, of course not. Only a fool would expect anything other than seven.

**Half of the 7 Reasons team thinks that Paris already looks like this.

April 27, 2011
7 Reasons That 7 Reasons is Going on Holiday.

The 7 Reasons team are going on holiday for a few days! Here are seven reasons why.

1. Jon. Jonathan Lee is often thought to be self-obsessed. In no way do we want to add to the Jonathan Lee narcissism rumours here, but he does need some repairs doing to his computer keyboard and the keys affected are – in no particular order – J,O,N,A,T,H,L,E and the space bar. The time off will enable him to get it fixed (the computer, not the self-love) and to spend some time with his fiancé. They have a wedding to plan.*

They're getting married!

2. Marc. Marc Fearns has just had a child. He seems to have forgotten to take any time off though; he just learned to type with one hand. He’s had a really sick cat too. He has had a good night’s sleep recently (sadly, spread over the course of a fortnight) and is now so confused that he gave the vet his son’s name on arrival at the surgery the other day. If he doesn’t take some time off soon, he may end up enrolling his cat in the local baby group and training his child to chase ping pong balls. That would be considered bad parenting. He wants to spend more time with his child. And his cat.

I want to spend time with my daddy. No, with the owl. I prefer the owl.

3. Other People. Other people take time off, and we want to too. We love what we do here – that’s why we do it – but we looked at other people taking holidays and paternity leave and sick days and whatnot and thought, we’d quite like to try that. That looks like fun. Look at those relaxed, happy people that have seen the sun in the past year and didn’t get their tans from a computer screen. Wouldn’t it be nice to be them? So for the next few days, we will be. We might even become nudists. It’s going to be great.

4. Creativity. Because we’re creative people. And time off means that we have more time in which to have ideas. And then when we come back, we’ll act on those ideas. It will keep things fresh and interesting for us, and for you. Who knows what we’ll think of?**

5. Tinkering. The absolute best thing about taking time away from writing and making things is that Marc gets to tinker with the website. And that’s what traditionally happens when 7 Reasons takes a holiday. Marc breaks the website and has to spend days trying to repair it while Jon swears at him from Kent, or sometimes from Sussex. If you visit it while we’re away, who knows what you may witness? It could be the regular 7 Reasons website, you could end up witnessing one man’s epic struggle against the combined evils of CSS, HTML and the bloody jQuery Colourbox plugin, or there may be a repeat of the most memorable incident and you might see a horse again. Anything could happen.

6. Scheduling. Because we’ve scheduled it really well. We’re only going to take the two bank holiday weekends off and will be back on May 3^rd. So we will be posting next Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. It’ll be like we haven’t been away at all, except that we will have. So the disruption will be minimal, which is the absolute best form of disruption. Which means that we’re really spoiling you with this disruption. You’re welcome.

7. We’ll Still be Here. Other than there’ll be fewer new posts over the next fortnight, 7 Reasons will remain (except for any calamity resulting from Marc’s tinkering) unaffected. The 7 Reasons Emporium will remain open, selling yellow t-shirts in many new and surprising shades of yellow, and all of your favourite posts will still be here. We’ll also be tweeting from our archive while we’re away. Feel free to come and visit.

We hope you have a lovely bank holiday weekend, whatever you’re doing, and we look forward to seeing you again soon,

Marc and Jon.

*Claire has a wedding to plan.

**If you do know please get in touch, it will save us a lot of time and effort.

April 21, 2011
7 Reasons That Gin is Never Wrong

It was my friend Jen’s birthday on Sunday. She was drinking gin. Via the medium of Facebook she suggested that I write 7 Reasons Why Gin is Never Wrong. I didn’t like that idea at all, but I found inspiration in it. So here are 7 Reasons That Gin is Never Wrong. Thanks Jen.

1. Gin Is Good For You. Gin contains all five of your five-a-day. Have a (large) gin and tonic, and there’s a portion of lime. Follow it with a martini, and there’s an olive. Have a few more martinis, and there’s some more olives (plus a few twists of lemon if you’re on a health drive). Then make a Pimm’s (the number 1 cup is gin-based) and lemonade and you’ve got a drink with the remainder of the fruit bowl plus a salad in it. That’s all of your five-a-day. You don’t even need to wash the salad because…

2. Gin Is Better For You Than Water. It’s true! Gin is medicinal. In eighteenth century Britain, the water contained all sort of nasties; cholera, typhus (and other bad things that I vaguely remember studying at college and don’t have time to research now. You’ll just have to take my word for it that water is bad.) and it was actually safer to drink the gin. So that’s what people did until the government rather meanly halted unlicensed production. If you consume your salad in your gin, it’ll be healthier than if you washed it. Probably.

3. Gin Is Logical. When people drink gin, it brings out their better natures and they usually do the most logical thing. Let’s look at what people do when they drink gin at home. They sometimes go online and shop (I’m sure we’ve all done it). And when they shop under gin’s good influence, they always buy the right thing. A pirate hat; a sports-car; a giant Anglepoise lamp are the sorts of things that people buy when in gin. When sober, however, people buy monumentally dull things such as ink-cartridges, socks and salad spinners. And who would – deep down, in their heart of hearts – rather have an ink-cartridge than a pirate hat? And no one has ever, in the annals of human history, drunk too much gin and purchased a salad spinner. That’s because gin makes you buy the right thing.

4. You Can Never Win An Argument With Gin. It’s a fearsome opponent. Argue with it and it will just stonewall you. Every time. You can rant, you can shout, you can be as incisive and logical as you like but you will never, ever win. Its silence will overwhelm any argument and make you look rather foolish. It will, however, clear you a nice space at the bar and prevent people from engaging you in conversation. On balance though, you shouldn’t argue with gin.

5. You Can Never Win A Fight With Gin. If arguing with it hasn’t worked, you shouldn’t consider fighting it either. If you start a fight with gin, it’ll just hurt your hand or slip from your grasp, depending on whether it’s bottled or not. And you’ll look silly. I once saw a man in a park get into a spat with a bottle of fortified wine and – despite his commendable footwork and really rather impressive growling – he came second best and ended up out cold in a flower-bed. And that was only fortified wine. Gin is twice as strong as that.

6. Gin Has Anti-Gravity Properties. Gravity is, on the whole, a good thing. It stops us hurtling backwards when we sneeze and prevents our ceilings from becoming cluttered, but it has its drawbacks: If you ever trip or stumble, beastly gravity will attempt to hurl you at the nearest horizontal surface, usually the floor (though occasionally a table and once, in my case, a canal) and it will hurt. Gin counteracts this. With the correct amount of gin within you, should gravity suddenly strike, you will feel no pain. Nor will you be concerned about any indignity arising from a brush with gravity. In a straight fight, gin beats gravity.

7. Gin Propagates The Species. When people drink gin in public, they make often passes at other people. Has anyone ever made a pass at you in a tea-house? No, probably not. Has anyone ever made a pass at you in a bar (where there is gin)? Yes, almost certainly. So, there you go. If it weren’t for gin, we’d have no children. Which, ironically, would obviate one of the main causes of drinking. But gin consumption is a necessary device for the continued existence of humankind: Now go forth and drink gin, you know it makes sense.

April 19, 2011
It’s a Mystery

Hi, Marc here. Hope you’re having a great Sunday, I know I am. Now. But I wasn’t earlier on. Because this morning, while I was fast asleep at 04:48, the 7 Reasons team received a tweet. I know this because my head vibrated. It turns out that my phone was between my pillows (which is not a euphemism for anything). As the parent of a new-born baby my automatic response is just to deal with any event that wakes me up then and there. Accordingly, I read the tweet.

Okay, I’ve read the tweet. There isn’t a screaming baby. I’m going to go back to sleep now…wait…the Dutch? What can this mean? I know, it must refer to our most recent post. What was that? Um…got it. It was 7 Reasons That Androids are Better Than iPhones. They’re better because of the Dutch. Great. I can go back to sleep now.

Wait! That doesn’t make sense. Dutch people are associated with orange, which is different to Apple and Orange is a phone network that Apple phones are available on but it’s French. Nope. This tweet can’t relate to the most recent post. It must pertain to a different one. What else have we done recently? I know, 7 Reasons We Like Birthday Cards. 7 Reasons to Take a Spoon to Bed? No, we don’t like birthday cards because of the Dutch. And I fail to see why anyone would need to take a spoon to bed because of the Dutch, and if they do, I don’t want to know why. Not even a little bit.

So it can’t be a recent post. It must be another one. What are our most popular posts? 7 Reasons That Series II of Downton Abbey Will be Even Better Than Series I. Yes, series II will be immeasurably better because of the Dutch. They’ll come over from the Netherlands and enliven life at Downton no end with their tallness, nice cheese and liberalism and…no…that doesn’t seem right either. 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Kayak Across The Pacific? You shouldn’t kayak across the Pacific because of the Dutch? Definitely no. You shouldn’t kayak across the Pacific because of the giant squid and because it looks really hard. Not because of the Dutch.

Okay, I’ll think about it tomorrow. I’ve only been asleep for a couple of hours and I’ll probably be woken up again soon, I’d better go to sleep.

7 Reasons it’s Dangerous to Drive a Golf Buggy up the M4? The Dutch don’t like golf buggies? They become enraged when they see them. Livid! No. 7 Reasons That Women Shouldn’t Listen to Chaka Khan? Because of the Dutch? Has Chaka Khan ever cancelled a gig in Amsterdam? Does Chaka Khan mean something vulgar in Flemish? What can Chaka Khan have possibly done to the Netherlands? It can’t be that. Must. Go. To. Sleep.

Why don’t I know anything about the Dutch? I know loads about America, and that’s much further away. I know more about Italy too. And Ireland. Come to think of it, I know more about Mongolia than I do the Netherlands…and…oh bugger, the baby’s woken up again. Must make the baby quiet. Must make the baby quiet.*

*Essentially there are two lessons to be learned here.

1) Never look at tweets when you should be sleeping.

2) Never have children. They interrupt everything (including thinking about the Dutch).

April 17, 2011
7 Reasons to Follow @MongolianNavy on Twitter

In February we discovered that Benicio Del Toro was on Twitter and brought you the news in 7 Reasons to follow @BenicioDToro on Twitter. We weren’t sure whether it was him or not, but we thought the Twitter account was interesting anyway, and we had a big reaction to the post. Firstly, many unhinged people descended on our comments section and began calling each other names (we eventually had to referee this) and secondly, someone stole the piece and reposted it elsewhere without our consent until – after we’d threatened legal action more than once and they’d removed it and re-posted it a few times – their web hosts intervened and shut them down. In all, it was a whole lot of irritation and hassle. So let’s do it again.

Great news, 7 Reasons readers! The Mongolian Navy are on Twitter! Here are seven reasons to follow them.

Swim for your lives! It’s the entire Mongolian Navy! Really.

1. They Won’t Swamp Your Twitter-Feed. I mean, how much news can a navy with one boat, seven sailors (only one of whom can swim) and no sea generate?

2. Comparison. Have you ever felt really down? Have you ever felt pangs of existential angst? Have you ever questioned what you’re doing with your life? Have you ever felt that you’re getting nowhere and that you’re just going round in circles? Well the Mongolian Navy are stuck on the landlocked Lake Hovsgal so they actually are going round in circles. All day, every day. Who doesn’t feel better about themselves now?

3. War Is Hell. I watched the Dreamworks mini-series The Pacific recently and a brilliant, absorbing, and appropriately reverential bit of television it was too. But it was a highly confusing in places because there were many, many characters and they were all dressed identically. The Mongolian Navy has only seven sailors though, so there should be little of that sort of confusion in their Twitter feed. In time, you’ll probably get to know and love the entire Mongolian Navy, which is a lot less time than in would take you to get to know and love a larger navy.

4. Learn About Mongolia. How much do you really know about Mongolia? That’s a question I’ve asked myself on several occasions recently, and in my case, the answer is very little. I imagine that by following the Mongolian Navy on Twitter I’m going to learn a great deal more about Mongolia. After all, they’re landlocked, so it’s not like they’re going to be tweeting about anywhere else.

5. Because You Love An Underdog. Yes you do! You can’t help it. And surely, in naval terms, a navy with only one vessel (a tug) is the biggest underdog of them all. Or the littlest underdog, perhaps. After all, it’s hard to feel any sort of empathy with large modern navies with their state-of-the-art destroyers deploying smart torpedoes and missiles against enemies that don’t stand a hope-in-hell’s chance. But the Mongolian Navy’s epic quest to tow other boats around and keep their lake free from better navies* is something we can all appreciate and get behind.

6. Because They’ll Follow You Back. I’ve looked at their Twitter page and it seems that they’re following the people who are following them back. And who wouldn’t want to be followed by the Mongolian Navy (if you’re going to be followed by a navy, the Mongolian one seems like the best option)? It seems that the Mongolian Navy are as curious about us as we are about them. Let’s tell them what things are like where we live. Near the sea. Or tweet swimming tips, I think they’d like that.

7. Show Your Support. Because no one in Mongolia loves them. As we pointed in out March, Mongolia has a National Men and Soldiers Day, but not a National Men and Sailors Day. This seems deeply unfair. Let’s show them that people out there do care about them. Let’s show our support for by following @MongolianNavy on Twitter.**

*Which is all navies. Even Birmingham has a better navy than Mongolia.

**As this doesn’t seem like too much of a commitment.

April 13, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Buy The Canadian Mint’s Royal Wedding Coins

7 Reasons readers, news has reached us – a mere week after it reached the rest of the world – that Canada has decided to commemorate the wedding of Kate and William by minting (never let it be said that we don’t know technical terms here at 7 Reasons) some commemorative coins. Here they are below these words (or above them if your internet is on the blink), and here are seven reasons not to buy them.

1. Because You Have Eyes. Right about now, you’re probably going through the same thought process that I went through earlier. Oh. My. God. How have I never noticed this before? My monitor has a sapphire stuck to it. But I bought it from a respectable electrical retailer, not from the JJB Poundworld House of Crap. It wasn’t there yesterday. Has Kerry Katona snuck in and accessorised my screen in the night? My God, what if the neighbours see it? Or my in-laws? They’d point at me in the street! I must get it off before people in shell-suits start complimenting me on the bloody thing…but wait…it’s not stuck to the screen at all. It’s on the coin! They’ve stuck it to the groom! The Canadian Mint have pimped Prince William and Pimp-Daddy Wills, he ballin’; he cash-money baby fo’ sho’. Move over, Fiddy Cent, His Royal Highness Twenny Dollars is in da house and all you bitches can suck his bad royal ass.

2. Because It’s Weird. I have been unable to find a satisfactory explanation as to why Canada have taken it upon themselves to pimp Prince William. According to the BBC, the sapphire is there to “symbolise the bride’s engagement ring”. Now, I’m a married man, and my wife has a sapphire engagement ring, but we’re not royal, and, while I appreciate that they do things a little differently to the rest of us, at no point during our engagement did I have to wear a giant version of my wife’s (then fiancé’s) engagement ring affixed to my tie. This is just as well, as women should never marry men who dress like Liberace’s gaudier cousin. Nor should men. Nor should anyone.

3. Because (if you haven’t poked them out while looking at the $20 coin) You Still Have Eyes. The bejewelled coin is gaudy, but the twenty-five cent coin seems to have come straight from the section of the Canadian Mint marked Argos. It’s got a photo of the happy couple on it. A coin. With a photo stuck to it. Because engraving a second coin would apparently be too much trouble for an organisation that works in the field of coin manufacture. I don’t know what things are like in Canada, but where I live, if you find a picture stuck to your coin it’s an advert for a minicab firm, or for a bar with a drinks promotion involving WKD or Carling. Canada: Coins are not photograph albums, and nor are they pieces of jewellery. Coins are coins*.

4. The Free Market. Don’t just take my judgement on these coins. Well, you can, it will save you time if you just choose to agree with me as you won’t have to read the rest of this reason (the more sceptical amongst you will still have to) but the market has spoken. According to the BBC, the twenty dollar coin – the one on the right – will cost you a hundred and five dollars. But its value is still only twenty dollars. So it costs eighty-five dollars more than it’s worth. Or a hundred and five dollars more than it’s worth if you buy it with the lights on. The market has spoken.

5. Because You Can’t Dry Your Royal Wedding Mug With Them. In order to have longevity, a royal souvenir has to have a practical application. In that way, the event is kept in the popular consciousness for a very long time. I’m sure we all have great aunts and grandparents who still regularly dry their coronation mugs with royal wedding tea-towels and many of us learned about modern royal history by seeing those items as children. The only practical application these coins have is that we will learn never to go to Canada (in case they pimp us too) and we’ll probably be able to purchase spinning wheel trims for a Vauxhall Cavalier with them, or one of those singing fish picture things.

6. Because I Beseech You. Don’t buy these coins because – despite the random stones and pictures stuck to them – they’re still coins. And where do all coins end up? Yes, in my house down the back of the sofa. Absolutely all coins end up in that sofa, and we don’t want them. We have an innocent child in the house that we’re trying to protect from seeing such things. Please, please don’t buy them!

7. What! Why are you still here? Do you really need a seventh reason? Fine, in that case, go back to the top of the page and look at them again then! O Canada, what have you done?

*To coin a phrase.

April 11, 2011