Tag: seven reasons

7 Reasons We Don’t Want To Go To The Tower

Loyal readers, the 7 Reasons team have an announcement to make. It looks as if we’ll be going away for a while. We don’t want to, but a combination of circumstances means that we might not have any say in the matter. Allow us to explain.

A long, long time ago, though in this galaxy – indeed, on this very website – we published a piece entitled 7 Reasons That Looking Like A Horse Shouldn’t Be A Barrier To Success. In it, we looked at how seven celebrities had overcome their rather equine looks to make a success of their lives, and one of the people we featured was Her Royal Highness, The Princess Royal. The piece proved popular, so popular in fact, that it now ranks rather highly on Google. As a consequence, if you go to Google and type in “Princess Anne looks like a horse” we’re the first thing that comes up for that search. We discovered this the other day and tweeted about it. We then forgot about it and got on with our lives. A day later though, we received this tweet from Princess Anne:

This was rather a rather unexpected development and also a rather unwelcome one. We’d rather not go to the tower, thank you, and here are (because it’s us and this is what we do) seven reasons why. Ma’am.

1. Familiarity. It breeds contempt. Now, this may come as something of a surprise to you, but we don’t hang around together very much. At all. In fact you can count the number of times the team have gone to the pub together on one hand. Captain Hook’s hand. And it’s probably this that has helped 7 Reasons run for as long as it has. Apart from that phase when Jon kept uploading jpegs instead of gifs and the time when Marc thought it would be a great idea to do Blowers’ t-shirts and then went away for the weekend, we have got on pretty well. The last thing we want to do therefore is end up in the same small, dank, dark, locked room with each other. We will drive each other mad.

2. Pigeons. We both have connections. We both have people who could break us out of the tower. However, given that it is unlikely that we will have access to Twitter in the Tower, we’ll need to employ a different method of communication to contact the Mongolian Navy. Being high up in a tower lends itself favourably to one method. The carrier pigeon. Only there are no carrier pigeons around the Tower. They are all far too scared of the ravens. And who has ever heard of a carrier raven? Exactly. We’re doomed.

3. Tourists. The Tower is open to the public, which means we are going to be on show to thousands and thousands of Japanese, American and German tourists every week. Not to mention all the Australians who make the trip over from Shepherds Bush. We are going to be publicly humiliated. It won’t be long before one of us snaps and shoves a long lens somewhere where the exposure don’t shine.

4. We Have A Viable Compromise. Princess Anne was probably a fine filly in her day, but that day was Thursday June 4th, 1969. She also wants to lock us in a tower. But that’s almost exactly the opposite thing to what we want to happen and we won’t go willingly. Our ambition has long been to be handed the keys to Pippa Middleton’s dungeon*, so we’re prepared to offer a compromise. Send us somewhere halfway between a tower and a dungeon, do something that’s halfway between handing us keys and locking us up and have it done by someone who’s neither royal nor common. So that’s the 7 Reasons team not locked up on the ground floor by Jennifer Aniston. That’s the sort of punishment we can take.

5. Republicanism. Prepare yourself for a shock, but it might surprise you to learn that half of the 7 Reasons team is (gasp) a republican that just doesn’t believe in monarchy. He also doesn’t believe in god, ghosts, fairies, goblins or leprechauns. But being in the Tower of London might have a profound effect on this. After all, if he were to see evidence of god, ghosts, fairies, goblins or leprechauns he’d be forced to believe in them. Not that he’s likely to see them in the tower, but he would be considerably more likely to see a monarch. He almost saw one as a child, but fortunately our queen is so tiny that all he saw was Prince Philip speeding past in the back of a Rolls Royce seated next to a large blue hat. You can’t play fast and loose with people’s belief systems, it’s inhuman.

6. Ravens. It’s not just the carrier pigeons and the Mongolian Navy that are afraid of the ravens. It’s us. Have you seen the things? They’re enormous wing-ed creatures with piercing eyes, razor-sharp beaks and plumage as dark and shiny as crude oil in a mirror. Plus they’ve got talons! And it’s not just out of fear that we don’t want to be near them. Being locked in a tower with someone who insists on bickering that it’s a crow, a jackdaw or a rook every time you spot a raven during your afternoon game of i-spy is a sure recipe for disaster. It would only be a matter of time until the answer to “I spy with my little eye something beginning with C”, would be “corpse”. Or cadaver.

7. It Wasn’t Us. When Jon sees a beefeater, his thoughts turn to steak restaurants. When Marc sees a beefeater, his mind turns to gin. What sort of monster would put these two – for the most part, harmless – men in an environment where they would be cruelly deprived of both of these things, yet constantly reminded of them? To quote Alexander Pope: “Who breaks a butterfly on a wheel?” To quote Oliver Cromwell****: “I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken.” Because Princess Anne is mistaken. After all, it was Google that made us number one for “Princess Anne looks like a horse”, not us. She needs to lock Google in the Tower. Or perhaps the internet. Just anyone but us. Please.

7 Reasons may or may not return tomorrow.

*Fiancés of the 7 Reasons team: Marc wrote this**.

**Wives of the 7 Reasons team: Jon wrote this***.

***7 Reasons team: That will definitely work, well played.

****Perhaps unwisely.

July 1, 2011
7 Reasons To Carry A Laundry Basket At All Times

Hello 7 Reasons readers, it’s Marc here, and I have news! Now you might find it hard to contain your excitement when you read this, but I’ve bought a new laundry basket! Now, I have to admit that this is something I wouldn’t usually share with 7 Reasons readers, but the purchase of the laundry basket (pictured below this paragraph) set in motion a chain of events that led me to realise that life would be immeasurably improved for people that carried a laundry basket around with them at all times. Here’s why.

Yes, it's a laundry basket!

1. Wear It As A Hat. “I’m not sure I’ve thought this purchase through,” I found myself saying as I was leaving my local laundry basket emporium, “I’m going to be lumbered with this thing for the evening now”. “Well, if it rains, you can always wear it as a hat,” said the woman at the checkout, helpfully. She’s right, I thought as I strolled out of the store. Throughout human history, the fundaments of our very existence have been food, reproduction (of which more later) and shelter. Now you can’t eat your laundry basket, and you can’t mate with it (and certainly not in the car park), but if you’ve a laundry basket with you, much in the manner of a snail with its shell, you are assured of shelter in all circumstances. You can wear it as a hat in moderate weather, and in extremis you can climb inside and fasten the lid. With your laundry basket you will be inured from the effects of wind, rain, sun, snow, hail; in fact, most of the elements except for lead.

2. Financial Gain. Arriving at the supermarket (forward planning is really not my thing), I picked up a shopping basket and, with a basket in each hand now, I set off to gather my goods. As I walked round the store, I soon found that I was being followed by a security guard who became quite agitated when I entered the spirits aisle. Then I realised something. A laundry basket would be a great thing to fill with goods, but is too conspicuous by half to be used for the purpose of theft. Then, I had an idea: For six months, I could take my laundry basket wherever I went. Everyone would notice this so in very little time, the entire city would come to know me as Laundry Basket Man: the harmless eccentric that carries with him, as his constant companion, his empty laundry basket. And then, once this reputation had been earned, I could begin to shoplift with it. After six months carrying an empty laundry basket around, who would suspect me? Or you?

3. It Makes People Feel Good. Having devised a fiscal plan for my future, I arrived at the checkout. As I queued, the couple in front of me kept looking back, then whispering between themselves and giggling. They paid for their goods and left, and then it was my turn. As I put the laundry basket down, the girl at the checkout glared at it as if I’d just placed a leprechaun in front of her, or a turquoise baboon. Realising that this was something that she had not been expecting to face and that I had taken her somewhere out of her comfort zone, I knew that I needed to say something, preferably something witty, to diffuse the situation. I thought hard while the girl continued to stare at the basket. After several seconds, the silence was weighing heavy and the situation was becoming uncomfortable, I needed to say something – anything – as soon as possible. What to say? What to say? Ah, got it! “I’ve brought my laundry basket out with me,” I stated, matter-of-factly. The girl stopped glaring at the laundry basket and, with an expression of pure contempt, turned to glare at me. As I paid for my goods and sloped out of the supermarket, I realised something. I realised that many insecure people feel better about their own life when they have someone to look down on (this is why bullying happens) and, that if you were to carry a laundry basket about, you’d be performing a valuable public service. You’d be making people feel good about themselves.

4. It’s Distracting. It was half past six. As I strode along the pavement past roads full of gridlocked traffic, I could sense that everyone, in every car, bus and van, was staring at the laundry basket. I realised that this could be a useful thing. Have you ever had a spot? Have you ever had a bad hair day? Perhaps you have a spot so well established that it’s having a bad hair day of its own? Well, worry no more. When you carry a laundry basket around, no one will notice. You’ll never need to do your hair again or iron your trousers – you’ll even be able to wear purple – as all eyes will be on the basket.

5. It’s A Talking Point. I arrived at the pub*. Taking a seat at the bar, I placed my laundry basket down beside me. Now you might think that a laundry basket at a bar would be a similar thing to the elephant in the room, but you’d be wrong. The elephant was larger, greyer and no one was talking about him. He seemed a bit piqued. The laundry basket, however, was on everyone’s lips. If you want to hear references to Ali Baba, snake charming, washing machines, midget-smuggling, The Wicker Man etcetera, etcetera, et bloody cetera, carry a laundry basket with you. There’s never an uncomfortable silence when you have a laundry basket. Or any silence.

6. Reproduction. Something else occurred to me while I was in the pub: I’m married, but I know that for single people, meeting prospective partners is difficult. As the father of a small child though, I know how to break the ice and meet people and, should anyone have a penchant for crazed women over the age of forty-seven, I would advise that they carry a small baby around with them. They will meet absolutely everyone’s batty aunt (whether they want to or not), and sometimes a whole mob of them. But perhaps your tastes are different? You might want to meet younger people of the opposite sex? People of the same sex? Perhaps you’re a Justin Bieber fan who wants to meet people of indeterminate sex? When you carry a laundry basket, you’ll get to meet – and talk to – absolutely bloody everyone, so your chances of finding a partner are significantly increased. Your chances of murdering the ninety-fourth person that asks if they can see your snake are quite high too, but for the patient and tolerant, a laundry basket is a shortcut to sexual success.

7. Keep Track. Finally, after as many conversations about Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves as any man could bear, I headed home to surprise my wife with the laundry basket**. Having negotiated the front door I strode into the house, stepped into the living room, placed my surprise on the floor and, with a quiver of excitement in my voice announced, “Look darling! I’ve bought…a laundry basket.” “I know,” she replied. “How?” I enquired, disbelievingly. “I’ve had texts”. She showed me her phone. She certainly had received texts. Texts that said: “I’ve just seen your husband walking down the street with a laundry basket”. Texts that said: “Ooh, I like your new laundry basket.” Texts that said: “Just seen Marc in the pub with a laundry basket”. It turns out that all of York was abuzz with talk of the laundry basket. So, if you’re a bit forgetful or prone to getting lost, carrying a laundry basket will ensure that your other half will receive a detailed up to the minute report of your every movement from her network of spies friends. You’ll also: have a permanent shelter; be better off financially; bring joy to others; never have to worry about your appearance; never be lost for conversation, and – if single – you’ll be more sexually successful. The next time you go out, don’t forget your laundry basket.

*A laundry basket is not the strangest thing that one of the 7 Reasons team has taken to a pub.

**Yes, our life really is this dull.

June 30, 2011
7 Reasons To Be A Father

This piece is entitled 7 Reasons to be a Father. It is not 7 Reasons You Fathered a Child, we all have our own reasons for that, often involving a combination of beer and lust or – for the less fortunate – calendars, timetables, fatigue and oh God, it’s bloody sex again. This is a plea to bring back into popular usage the title Father. It’s important that women read this too, as it’s mostly from them that children learn how to address their fathers. I’m printing this piece out and posting it all around the house when I’ve finished it for my wife to see because I, more than almost anything else, also wish to be addressed as Father. Here’s why.

1. Fathers Have A Day. Dads and daddies don’t have a day, but fathers do. It’s called Father’s Day, and it’s a whole day devoted to the celebration of fathers. Less formally titled male parents have nothing similar to Father’s Day. The nearest thing they have is Daddy Day Care, which is a film starring Eddie Murphy from 2003, made a mere eighteen years after he ceased to be funny.* If you want to be celebrated, you have to be a father.

2. It’s Not Mentioned In The Phrase “Who’s The Daddy”. I have an irrational hatred of the phrase “who’s the daddy” that borders on the pathological. I don’t know why people ever need to say this (actually, it’s usually bellowed, boorishly) but they do. I dislike this phrase so much that my (fortunately resistible) desire on hearing it is to beat the sayer around the head with the nearest sturdy but moveable objects to hand – which today, would be a large beige parasol and a teacup** – while saying “who’s the father“. This is problematic as the best known user of this phrase is Ray Winstone (in the film Scum), and in terms of people you’d be ill-advised to assault with a beige parasol and a teacup, he’s right up there with Sebastien Chabal and the hairy-armed woman from my local branch of Superdrug. If more people used the word father, I’d be in less danger.

3. It’s Your Duty. While my son and I were playing our version of peek-a-boo that bears the catchy name, Where’s Father? My visiting mother-in-law looked at me aghast. “He can’t call you Father” she said, “that sounds horrible. Fathers are remote and distant”. While I agreed with the first part of what she said (he can’t call me Father. He’s a baby. He usually refers to me as Agoo-Agoo), I wholly disagree with the latter part. Fathers are not remote and distant; bad parents are. Father is just a name associated with another age when the social norm was for parents (especially male ones) to be more distant from their children. Were all fathers cold and distant? No. Were all of these men bad parents? No. But they’ve been tainted by the modern distaste for the word father. Don’t we owe it to people who will be forever associated with the word father to reclaim the name, to show that being addressed as father and being a good parent are not exclusive? Yes. I think we do. Being addressed as Father, rather than as Daddy could be seen as performing a civic duty. A very untaxing one at that, which is by far the best sort.

4. The Name Father Lends Itself To Formality. If you ever ask a child what their dad has been up to, the answer is never good. It’s usually, “Daddy drank too much and fell asleep on the kitchen floor.” Enquire after a father, however, and surely you’ll get something more formal and considered: “Father imbibed injudiciously and was importuned adjacent to the pantry” or “Father’s club won a tournament of association football and, on his return to the familial abode, he was so awash with joy and hubris that he swooned in the scullery”. The more formal account of your character and your recent occurrences will give everyone a much better impression of you.***

5. Father Is Right For Our Era. It’s been a trend in recent years for children to be named more traditionally and formally and Britain is now teeming with Samuels, Lilys, Lottys and Benjamins. With superb irony, there was even a flood of Noahs two years ago. What better fit for the era then, than to be known as Father? Can you imagine any conversation beginning “Hephzibah.” “Yes, Dad”? No of course you can’t. Gary has a dad. Jeremiah requires a father.

6. The Word Father Is Synonymous With Excitement And Adventure. The word father is redolent of suitably-attired men drinking port in their oak-panelled libraries; of men that had rounded the horn six times afore the mast when they were scarcely twenty; of men that invented telephones and telegrams and multitudinous things that don’t begin with tele; of men that built vast industries where once there had been nothing; of men that – with scant regard for the peril they placed themselves in – explored and charted the world that was their plaything; of unreconstructed men that sallied forth to ride atop elephants and take pot-shots at tigers whilst clad in crisp linen; of men that reposed languidly – though impeccably – in the leather armchairs of their clubs and in the saloons of well-appointed hotels; of men that wore a panoply of hats – tall and short, soft and hard, cloth and silk – for every occasion, but never indoors; of men that marched long in shambling, hobnailed ranks to their capital when their families fell hungry; of bewhiskered men that shrank their world, bringing far-flung and wondrous exotica and ephemera to and from all the ends of the earth; of men that unsealed newly-received missives at their breakfast tables with a silver letter opener and a flourish; of good men whose reliability, indomitability, solidity and sheer bloody ability went unremarked upon though thoroughly remarkable; of men for whom adventure, discovery, conquest, knowledge, power, expansion, great works, boundlessness and greatness were commonplace. Those men were fathers. And dad? Dad drives to B&Q on a Saturday morning in his people carrier, puts up shelves in the afternoon, drinks crap lager while watching Britain’s Got Talent in the evening and then falls asleep at night during Match of the Day. And Saturday is the highlight of his week. Being a father is so much more exciting.

7. It’s Rare. There just aren’t many Fathers out there so you’ll stand out. This has other benefits too. Should you find yourself in a beer garden populated by the balding, the pudgy, the badly-attired and the bloodshot of eye, observe what happens when a child calls out “Dad”. Everyone stops what they are doing and looks around, certain that their progeny is in urgent need of their attention, only to discover that it’s the child of someone else who then announces to the assembled company that they have done a big plop. If your child calls out “Father”, you’re likely to be the only person that looks around so it’s not just more individual, it’s more sociable too, as no one else has their conversation about how much of Match of the Day they missed last night when they dozed off disrupted, and no one gets to hear about the big plop. Except you.

So, who’s the daddy? Who cares? Who’s the father? It’s me. Indubitably.

*Oh God. I’m old enough to remember when Eddie Murphy was funny. This is a truly horrific watershed moment.

**Note to self: Sit near more manly objects when writing.

***This may be fanciful. Learning to crawl up the stairs would be more efficacious.

June 28, 2011
7 Reasons That It Should Be Impossible to Drive Into The Sea

This year, there have been eight incidents of motorists being rescued from the sea near Holy Island. But it just seems completely impossible that this can happen. Here are seven reasons why.

This isn’t possible.

1. There’s A Bloody Great Sign. As you approach the causeway to Holy Island, there’s a sign. It tells you not to drive across to the island when water approaches the causeway. It’s a big, yellow sign, and it’s big and yellow because big, yellow things are highly visible. Can you see the sun? Yes? That’s because it’s a big, yellow thing. Just like the sign that tells you not to drive into the sea.

Can you see this?

2. It’s Called Holy Island. What’s in a name? Well, in this case, there’s a hint as to the nature of the place to which these people were headed. There’s the word Holy, which means tread carefully, and the word Island, which is a declaration that this is a place that is cut off from the mainland somehow; most likely by water. If I were going to an island, I’d expect water. And, hopefully, an ice cream.

3. You Have To Drive Along A Causeway. A causeway is a raised road that crosses marshy ground or water. Now I understand that not everyone knows this and, indeed, there was a time in my life that I didn’t know what a causeway was. And then, when I was seven, that all changed and I learned that word. Now, given that you have to be at least seventeen to drive a car is this possible? Are there people over the age of seventeen in this country that are unfamiliar with the either the word island or the word causeway? There can’t be.

4. Another Sign. Perhaps I’m wrong when I assume that these inadvertent submariners were approaching Holy Island. Perhaps these hapless buffoons were leaving it. But maybe I’m being harsh and these people were just a tiny bit muddled and forgetful. But no, they can’t be, because there are more signs; signs to warn those people that are about to drive across the causeway for a second time. Big, yellow signs and different signs too. Signs that tell you to consult a tide table if you’re in any doubt as to whether you should attempt to drive across the sea.

5. Tide Table. But telling people to consult a tide table isn’t overly helpful, is it? After all, who keeps a tide table in their glove-box? And, come to think of it, who keeps gloves in their glove-box? Why isn’t is known as the half a pocket pack of tissues and the charger for a phone-box?* Anyway it’s conceivable that people won’t have a tide table on them so perhaps, once again, I’m judging them too harshly. But…

…oh look, there it is. That wasn’t too hard to find after all. Are these foundering fuckwits an early indication that humans are reverting to apes?

6. Boats. Britain is an Island. And, because of our glorious seafaring history, it will be apparent to anyone with even a modicum of an education or cognitive function that, to cross the sea, you need a boat. Did Nelson fight the battle of Trafalgar on a horse? Was Hitler able to drive his panzers across the sea in 1941? Did Sir Francis Drake sally forth to dispatch the armada at the wheel of a Nissan Micra? No. This is because you can’t drive in the sea. That is a widely known and commonly accepted truth.

7. Other Nations. I’m assuming that these shipwrecked simpletons are British though. But there are other nationalities that have done this too. Because in the latest incident in which motorists had to be rescued from the sea by a lifeboat near Holy Island (and who wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall for that conversation?) they weren’t British at all. And I suppose that it’s quite conceivable that if you were from a landlocked nation and weren’t familiar with the English language that it would be possible for you to inadvertently get caught out on the causeway. So which landlocked non-English-speaking land with no absolutely no history of seafaring did these people come from? Australia.

It’s not possible that people are driving into the sea, but they are. How? Why? Answers on a postcard please.

*That’s a charger for a phone, not a charger for a phone-box.

June 20, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Put All That Stuff Under Your Bed Into Storage

We’d be lying if we said we didn’t keep anything under the 7 Reasons Sofa Bed. In fact this is where all our unwanted guest posts go. According to Drew Davies though we should really be putting it all into storage. Here’s why:

1. Feng Shui. In feng shui, the principle of proximity means that the closer something is to you the stronger its effect will be. Which is probably why you keep having those trippy dreams about Grandma’s old cardigans.

2. Ghosts Feel Shame Too. We know you only used it that once on Valentine’s Day in 2007, but what if you died unexpectedly and your parents discovered your Vibronator XL Delux?

3. Increased Value. Potential homebuyers are always looking for roomy underbeds and so with more space, the price of your house will rocket. Ask anyone. It’s, like, science.

4. Self Preservation. With all that junk under your bed, will your toy boy be able to dive underneath it when your husband arrives home early from work one day?

5. The Ace of Base Fallacy. That box of old CD’s that you’re always planning to burn onto your laptop at some point? Never. Going. To. Happen.

6. Well Hung. With your things in storage, you can finally get rid of your bed altogether, buy that hammock you’ve always wanted and get into “swinging”. That is what swinging means, right?

7. Lumps ‘n’ Bumps. You’ve heard about of the Princess and the Pea, but what about the Princess and the Playstation 2??? Yes, we just made that up.

With rooms from 9 sq ft to 400 sq ft, and leases starting at just one week long, you can store just about anything at Big Yellow Self Storage for as long as you need.

June 18, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Make Your Own

Yesterday Marc hit the mother lode and in his excitement urged us all to make our own. Being the type of person that does exactly as Marc says, I set out, full of the joys of a rainy spring, and immersed myself in an afternoon of crafting. The results, unfortunately, were not quite what Marc had advertised. Let’s have a look at what went wrong.

1. The Winning Waistcoat And Sequin-Trimmed Belt. “Want to dress like Charlie Sheen?” Marc asked. “Of course I do!” I replied. It was quite an intricate design and not being a professional needle-worker I felt a prick for a good two hours. However, I got the job done, and proud of my new item I slipped it on and went for a walk around the roughest part of the South East. Kent. The locals were hardly going to mess with someone with Tigerblood were they? Well, yes. Yes, they were. It was said that this product was “so fabulous people would literally point at you.”. Erm, no. I got a lot of middle fingers pointing skywards and the one person who I thought was pointing at me was actually punching me in the face. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

2. The Tie Hanger. “A stylish and practical gift for Father’s Day?” Yes, please! The Austin Reed vouchers are wearing rather thin on originality these days so I am always happy to receive new ideas. The tie hanger seemed right up my street. My Dad likes ties. And it was this ‘like’ that caused disaster. Call me stupid but I thought this tie hanger was for all my father’s ties. As a result I attached the hanger to the wall and then added the 216 ties to it. Then the wall fell down. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

3. The Wig Stand. I don’t know any bald men. I know even fewer bald women. So when I was crafting this stand the one thought that kept crossing my mind was, “who on earth am I going to give this to?” And then, just as I was adding the pink eyebrows, it struck me. Yes! I met a bald bloke on Saturday night! At Andy’s 30th Chimenea Party! I couldn’t remember his name, but we had talked about rugby and I remembered he said he was a prop forward for Aylesford. So yesterday evening I got on my skateboard and headed down to the club. I suspect I’ll be walking with this limp for quite a while. I shall of course update you when I have managed to remove the other pink eyebrow. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

4. The Gift Ribbon Flowers. A genius idea. I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t bought Claire flowers for a good few months now.* However, I lacked one necessary ingredient to make the gift ribbon flowers. Ribbon. Long gone are the days when I had a ribbon printer. “What can I cut up into ribbon-like strips?” I wondered as I stood in front of Claire’s wardrobe. Two hours, one trip to Zara and the best part of £80 later, I replaced the garment I had hacked to pieces. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

5. The Trendy Ties. “Is your wardrobe a little drab?” Yes! One hour, one trip to Reiss and the best part of £150 later, I replaced the garment I had hacked to pieces in Claire’s wardrobe. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

6. Tat. Now, this confused me. Despite reading the instructions and staring at the accompanying visual for thirty minutes, I was still none the wiser. While I understood I was supposed to ‘learn to tat’, I had no idea what tatting was. Quite frankly it may as well have said ‘learn to wickytrickyjicky’. Eventually I just tied a bit of string around my finger and gave myself a pat on the back. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution (bloody pointless).

7. The Bearded Puppets. I don’t have any children, but given that I often have nightmares about shaved lambs and Judy Murray, anything was worth a try to change the routine. So I made them. Two bearded puppets. Last night’s dream? Judy Murray with a beard. Riding a disembodied lamb’s head. Thanks Marc. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: extreme caution.

*Reminder. Now you’ve finished writing this, go and buy Claire some flowers.**

**I can’t now, I’ve got work to do.***

***Okay, do it tomorrow.****

****Good plan.

June 17, 2011
7 Reasons To Make Your Own

Readers of 7 Reasons, something very, very, exciting has happened. I’m a big fan of the craft boom that’s going on at the moment and see the trend for knitting, sewing and making your own stuff as a very good thing indeed. As a father, I’m much happier knowing that my child is playing with toys that we made him at home, rather than playing with mass-manufactured plastic ones that are cheaply-priced as a result of the exploitation of cheap labour. It’s sometimes hard to find patterns and ideas for things to make though, but today I hit the mother lode (courtesy of a craft time-capsule from my mother-in-law’s loft). I’m sure you’ll agree that every single one of these items is a reason to make your own. Let’s go!

1. The Winning Waistcoat And Sequin-Trimmed Belt. Want to dress like Charlie Sheen? Of course you do. You can do so in this stylish Winning waistcoat and matching belt. He’s probably wearing one right now (in his head). Now you can too. You’ll look so fabulous that people will literally point at you with envy.

2. The Tie Hanger. Want to make a stylish and practical present for Father’s Day?* Why not make this attractive tie hanger (that in no way resembles a stick, some string and a few drawing pins)? Your father will love it, and on seeing it, his ties will probably be so delighted that they’ll try to hang themselves. Everyone’s a winner with this sumptuous and sophisticated storage solution.

3. The Wig Stand. Do you have a wig that needs somewhere to live? Perhaps your uncle wears a toupee during the day but likes to be bald when he’s asleep. Maybe your sister wears a wig. You could make this lovely wig stand either for yourself or as a gift for others. Who wouldn’t be thrilled to sit around the tree with the family on Christmas morning and unwrap this lovely new home for their pretend hair? It’s well-equipped too, as there’s even a space to store a pair of eyebrows.

4. The Gift Ribbon Flowers. Have you got too much ribbon lying around the house and want to woo a lady with flowers?** Why not make her a gorgeous bouquet from your surplus gift ribbon? She’ll be wowed by your creativity, dazzled by your originality and bowled-over by your frugality. This man’s a keeper, she’ll think as you sit down to dine at the chip shop. After all, real flowers don’t grow on trees, you know.

5. The Trendy Ties. Are you feeling a little unfashionable? Is your wardrobe a little drab? Do you want to catch the attention of the new girl in the typing pool? Does your boss consistently overlook you for promotion? Why not make yourself an attractive new tie? You’ll get everyone’s attention with one of these and you’ll also be trendy. Perhaps they’ll even give you a new nickname. Awesome-Tie-Man or some such, I shouldn’t wonder.

6. Tat. Feeling a little left out? Can’t sew, knit, or pin string to a stick? Well, don’t worry, there is a practical craft that you can do. You can…

…learn to tat. Even if you’re not very good at it, you can achieve the look of a professional by simply applying an entire lip-stick and gazing haughtily at some string in your hand. You may not be able to tat, but you’ll look like one.

7. The Bearded Puppets. Do your children sleep at night? Are you scared that they’re going to grow up to be well-adjusted? Is there not enough terror in their lives? You can fix that right now by making them a pair of these bearded disembodied-head puppets. You can be sure that this is one present that they’ll never forget, no matter how hard they try. Or how much they spend on psychiatry.

Okay, that’s it. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed writing a 7 Reasons post more. I’ll leave you now with one picture that I’m not going to mock, because this young chap’s probably a chief constable now. Or my bank manager.

*Note to self: Hide this post from own wife and child.

**Lazy cultural stereotyping suggests that this seems unlikely.

June 16, 2011
7 Reasons It Was Nigh On Impossible To Write 7 Reasons Today

Sometimes it’s easy to write 7 Reasons. You set aside a quiet couple of hours and the thoughts and words flow as if they were being dictated to you by some sort of eloquent, inspired and kindly spirit. Sometimes, on the other hand, it’s nigh on impossible. Today, has been one of those days. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Because I Began With Confidence. I Had Many Things To Do. Today, I needed to: Put a third coat of paint on a bedroom; clear all the decorating detritus from that bedroom; hoover and mop that bedroom; put all the furniture back in that bedroom; write a 7 Reasons post, visit Sainsbury’s and bathe a twelve week old child. Well, there seems like a lot there, I thought, but if I work hard and well it will all fit in.

2. Because The Best Laid Plans Often Go Awry. 10am: Having read the papers, played with my son, consumed two cups of coffee and a banana and done various bits of 7 Reasons admin over the previous two hours, I was ready to write. It was at that moment my visiting mother-in-law announced that she had a migraine. Bugger, I thought. That’s the free childcare out of the window. I spent two hours trying to write and was constantly interrupted. We went through more nappies and tantrums in those two hours than one would expect to go through in a year. Some of the tantrums weren’t even mine. The twenty minutes of writing I managed to get done in those two hours wasn’t even any good. I decided to bin it and start again.

3. Because It Turns Out That A Change Isn’t As Good As A Rest. I decided that as it was such a nice day, I would take the laptop outside and write in the garden. This was a great idea. I sat under a parasol and began to write. Then, a baby cried and I got to play a new game: Whose Baby? Was it my baby? Was it one of next door’s babies? Was it the baby from two doors down? Was it a nomadic passing baby? Eventually the crying stopped so if it was my baby then my wife was dealing with it and I didn’t have to. Then all of a sudden, a bee appeared. But this was no average bee, this was Beezilla: A veritable beehemoth* of a creature that angrily buzzed its way through the garden as if drawn inexorably to me. With an audible thud it landed on the table. I considered calling for help, but realised that it would be too long in coming. I made a run for it. I watched the bee from the utility room window for half an hour or so as it relaxed next to my laptop on the table. This wasn’t getting me anywhere.

4. Because When One Door Opens, Another Gets Rung By Parcelforce. As suddenly as it had arrived, the bee departed. It was 1pm. There was still time to write. I returned to the garden. I wrote for five minutes; swiftly, sharply, with rapidity and alacrity, then I heard the sound of my neighbours’ door opening. He strode out into the garden and seated himself on the other side of the wall that my back was to. We were no more than three feet away from each other. Oh no, I thought, as I had some inkling of what was about to happen. And sure enough, he began to play his mandolin. Now I love music, and I love writing. But I can tell you that being three feet away from the former is not conducive to the latter. I struggled on nonetheless, writing manfully but badly. Then my mother-in-law appeared. “Marc“, she said quite correctly, “there’s someone at the door and I can’t open it“. Annoyed at the interruption but glad of the opportunity to escape the cacophony I went through the house and opened the front door. It was a delivery driver. “Can you take in a parcel for next door?” he enquired, “They’re not in“. I seethed for a moment, I briefly considered ParcelForceicide, I also considered bellowing “They are in! He’s playing the fucking mandolin in the garden and can’t hear the door. Feel free to smash it down and kill him to death!” but I realised that might make me look somewhat unhinged so I took in the parcel. I also decided to abandon writing.

5. Because A Change Still Isn’t As Good As A Rest. If I couldn’t write then I could at least get some of the other stuff out of the way. I went upstairs and put the third coat of paint on the bedroom walls and ceiling. It’s a large room and I loathe painting but it went well. Eventually I completed the task and, having washed all the paint from my hands, my hair, my eye and my left nostril I headed back to the room with the hoover. “You can’t use that,” my wife said, “Mum’s gone back to bed“. I couldn’t go to Sainsbury’s, I was still wearing my decorating clothes. I couldn’t bathe the baby, it wasn’t time. Then I had a novel idea. I would eat something. I ate, then I paced, growing steadily more furious at the delay. Eventually after about an hour I decided to return to writing. Five minutes later, my mother-in-law surfaced. I was purposefully typing away in the dining room and as she passed she said, “You’re always on that computer“. I distinctly remember thinking that were I a cat-kicker, at that moment, I would surely have kicked a cat. Even if I had to go a long way to find one.

6. Because Like Sands Through The Hourglass, So Was This Day Of My Life. I returned to the room to clean it up. I hoovered, I mopped and then I changed. “Right, I’m off to Sainsbury’s” I announced. “But we have to bathe the baby“, my wife objected. “Fine, let’s do that now then”, I said tersely. “But it’s not time”, she replied. I seethed, “It’s now or not at all”. We agreed that we would bathe him right then. I turned on the tap to draw his bath at the same moment as the washing machine started up in the utility room, stealing all of the hot water. Drip…drip…drip, I angrily watched the bath fill drop by drop by drop by endless bloody drop. After what seemed an age, and probably was, the bath was ready. We bathed the baby. That was fun. I went to Sainsbury’s and returned. It was half past seven. All I had to do now was put the furniture back into the thoroughly clean and immaculately decorated bedroom and write 7 Reasons.

7. Because Just When You Think You’ve Got It Licked, It Bites You In The Posterior. I worked hard. I shifted a wardrobe, a bed, a dressing table and many smaller items around the upper floor of my house with furious resolve. I toiled and I sweated and I lugged things round and pushed endless heavy things through tiny spaces until I was exhausted. Right, I thought (it was 8:37pm), I’ll do one final thing before I sit down to write, I’ll put the Venetian blind back up. I reattached the blind to its long established fixings and began to raise it, to better let the fresh air flow through the open window and dissipate the paint smell. Then this happened.

Half of the newly painted wall came away depositing plaster, cement and brick all over the immaculate floor, the newly polished dressing table and in my (just refilled) glass of sparkling water. I believe that I may have announced my displeasure at this turn of events to the entire town of York. In Anglo-Saxon. I may have foamed at the mouth. I may have punched what remained of the wall. Right, time to write 7 Reasons then.

I Sat Down. So, what does an angry humourist with a sore hand that has just abjectly lost his sense of humour write about? Oh, this apparently.

*I’m actually proud of that.

June 14, 2011
7 Reasons The 2011 Canadian Grand Prix Was The Best Ever

We were originally going to discuss the benefits of taking your own chiminea to the pub today, but that’s going to have to wait. That’s because today we must acknowledge yesterday’s Canadian Grand Prix. Admittedly, it is still fresh in our minds, so really this post is for the future. In the years to come, when people need to know about the best Grand Prix ever, they will come here for the facts they can’t find anywhere else. That doesn’t mean you can’t read today’s post today, you can. It’ll just mean more to you in 2034.

Button Under Investigation For Attaching Extra Hand To Shoulder

1. The Comeuppance. Lewis Hamilton finally got it yesterday. And he deserved it. For far too long he has looked ridiculous. For far too long he has worn ear studs and a stupid beard. What’s that about? Doesn’t he own a mirror? Jenson Button was quite right to squash him against the wall. Perhaps now Lewis will realise that before he sorts out his problems on the track, he must sort out those developing – on his face – off it.

2. The Revenge. Everyone remembers when Fernando Was Faster Than You. Finally, in the 2011 Canadian Grand Prix, we had revenge. Felipe was faster than Fernando. Until he drove into a wall anyway.

3. The Rain. Being British we are used to rain delays. But usually it’s while a Test Match is supposed to be happening. For the duration of the delay we usually get Blowers talking about pigeons and buses. During the two hour delay during the Grand Prix, we had Martin Brundle and David Coulthard talking about red-shouldered crows and boats. Maybe it was the lack of the cravat, but listening to Brundle and Coulthard was painful. They were mind-numbingly boring. At one point I may have even started thinking about table decorations for my forthcoming wedding. They were that boring. And because of that it was quite simply one of the most genial bits of commentary I have ever heard. They took me to a point where I was desperate for racing. After two hours I don’t think I have ever wanted to see an F1 race more. I would have been happy to watch thirty laps behind the safety car. Just so Brundle and Coulthard stopped repeating the same thing every five minutes. It was the perfect contrast to what was about to develop. Well done BBC.

4. The Steward. Depending on which video you choose to watch on YouTube, this is either called Steward Falls Over, So Funny!!! or Steward Nearly Dies, So Scary. I’ll let you decide, but at the time I thought I was about to watch a decapitation.

*Edit* Formula One Management have seen fit remove all evidence of this from YouTube but you can view it on the BBC Sport website which we have helpfully linked to here. Sadly, it’s only available to UK users.

5. The Bad Guys. There were two of them. Both Germans. Naturally. They were first and second in the running for the critical stages of the race. The leader was Sebastian Vettel. The young master who had developed a bloody annoying habit of winning all the time. In second was Michael Schumacher. The legend and one of only two drivers who could make Ralf Schumacher look stupid. The other being Ralf Schumacher. For the hero to win this race, he had to pass them both. An accomplishment that would rank alongside Sonic defeating both Dr Robotnix and Shadow.

6. The Good Guy. You have probably worked it out by now, but the good guy was the Brit. (The one who doesn’t look silly and isn’t of Italian and Scottish ancestry.) Jenson Button had five pit stops, a drive through penalty, two collisions, two cheese rolls, a game of Scrabble, a tinkle on the piano, a phone call with Nigel Mansell, another cheese roll, an argument with a cactus and at one point was last on the track. And yet, in a plot that makes The Love Bug look realistic, he made his way through the field and, on the last lap, passed Vettel and won. Won! And he did it all while looking like Chris Martin. Genius.

7. The Also Rans. This has been somewhat overlooked, but Hispania Racing achieved the best result in their history during this race – 13th and 14th. Well done to them. On a similar scale of achievement, I went thirty-six consecutive laps without needing to use the bathroom. Best effort of the season so far that.

June 13, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Ashton Kutcher Can’t Replace Charlie Sheen On Two And A Half Men

There are many TV shows I have never watched. Emmerdale, Eldorado, Enterprise, Entourage, Everybody Hates Chris, Everybody Loves Raymond, Everybody Is Agnostic Towards 7 Reasons. And others not beginning with E. Including Two And A Half Men. That begins with a T. As a result it would make no sense whatsoever for me to comment on the show. Alina Cambridge on the other hand, well she knows her stuff. That’s why she is on the sofa today stating the case for Ashton Kutcher not to be the new Charlie Sheen. Here’s Alina:

So I am sure we have all heard the news by now. That ’70s Show hippie star Ashton Kutcher is taking on Charlie Sheen’s role on Two And A Half Men. Those are going to be some pretty big shoes to fill, and I’m not sure Ashton is up to the task. Sure they both have a lot in common when it comes to brainpower, but how does their drug use match up? They are both a couple of A-Lister’s, with hot girlfriends, and a whole lot of fans. So lets take a look at the 7 reasons Ashton Kutcher just can’t compete with Charlie Sheen.

1. Girlfriends. When it comes down to girlfriends, Charlie has the edge. Charlie Sheen has had a number of girlfriends. Currently he has two. Two young porn star girlfriends, and from the looks of it they don’t appear to be jealous or middle aged. On top of that he has had some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, and he typically doesn’t go for women in there 40s like Ashton. Which is hard to do when you’re a celebrity. Because I am sure a celebrity status gives you no leverage when approaching women. Although I can’t really blame him, I thought Bruce Willis was really cool when he was married to Demi Moore. I was about 12 years old at the time. I can remember thinking how much I wanted to become famous and take care of his kids. I guess it made me stop thinking that Ashton is gay, so he’s definitely “winning” in that aspect.

2. Drug Use. Now I am not one to advocate drug use, but Charlie Sheen sure makes me laugh when he is bangin’ down 7-gram rocks. Hence I am always laughing. What’s more interesting then watching a celebrity go on a 7-day binge and living to tell the story. While Ashton is punk’ing the public with fake police officers and fabricated stories, Charlie is writing checks to hookers and getting caught. Charlie has defeated rehab a number of times, relapsing every time. Ashton can’t match up to those numbers; rehab would turn him into a church boy. Definitely not what Two And A Half Men needs. We’ve seen Ashton smoke a little grass on That ’70s Show, I’m pretty sure weed is just a filler for Charlie’s joints. Chalk this one up to Charlie.

3. Family. Charlie Sheen has a family of celebrities to back him up. Martin Sheen has some great films, classics at that. We all loved Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks, and in Demi Moore (Yes they dated). Ha, take that Ashton. Who knows Charlie Sheen may have even put the moves on her once or twice. Regardless, Sheen has a pretty kick ass family. As for Ashton, I think I heard he has a retarded twin brother. So he has that going for him. Next topic.

4. Endorsements. Ashton may just take this one. He has a pretty successful string of camera commercials. Also lets not forget that first Pizza Hut commercial that launched his pathetic career. Charlie hasn’t really had many endorsements come his way lately, and I’m surprised that Trojan hasn’t bought into Charlie’s act. Then I realized he probably doesn’t wear condoms. However, Sheen has taken up a new business venture as a partner in a line of electronic cigarettes. The “NicoSheen” product will feature the actor’s signature smirk on packages of disposable E-cigarettes and related products. Can’t wait to get my hands on that!

5. Celebrity. Ashton was the first to get to 1,000,000 Twitter followers, but Charlie was the fastest to 1,000,000 Twitter followers. Charlie did what Ashton did, only faster, probably because of the cocaine. So, they both have a large number of fans but could Ashton ever pull off a tour around the US in the same way Charlie did? I don’t think so. Charlie sold out venues just so people can hear him spew his nonsense all over the stage. You know you have star power when you can do that.

6. Religion. Ashton Kutcher is a self-described fiscal conservative and social liberal. He is a student of Kabbalah, whatever that is. His co-star, Natalie Portman, stated in 2011 that Kutcher “has taught me more about Judaism than I think I have ever learned from anyone else.” On the contrary, Sheen is a self-destructive fiscal renegade and social degenerate. He is a student of Keith Richards. Natalie Portman had this to say about Sheen, “Charlie has taught me more about reverse cowgirl, than anyone I’ve ever met.” Winning.

7. Lifestyle. Charlie Sheen was very lucky to land the part for Two And A Half Men. I’m confident he thought he was in a reality show and just didn’t know the truth. Only after finding out there were scripts did Charlie get the boot. He got paid to act exactly like he does in real life. Two and a Half Men could possibly turn into the worst show ever if Ashton treats the show like his real life. No one wants to see poor old Ashton being dominated by the Alpha Female that is Demi Moore. It will ruin the dreams of all men who tune into the show. Only time will tell to see who gets better TV reviews.

June 11, 2011