Tag: FRANCE

7 Reasons That Time Zones Are Confusing

The way we measure and calculate time is a wholly abstract construct that is often difficult to grasp. And then, when we split it into zones – that are also abstract – it becomes very confusing indeed. Here are seven reasons why.

1. South Africa. I’m not a geographical expert, but I have rough grasp of the map of the world and how it relates to me. I’m in England; I know that South Africa is approximately 5,500 miles away from me. I also know that France is 21 miles away from England. But it’s exactly the same time in France right now as it is in South Africa. This means that when it’s lunchtime in Cape Town, it’s lunchtime in Paris, and when it’s teatime in Cape Town, it’s lunchtime in Paris. But they’re so far away from each other!

2. The Moon. The moon has a time zone of its own, Lunar Standard Time. Today’s date on the moon is 42-12-21. So if I go to the moon, I’ll probably need a separate moon calendar, and perhaps a moon watch, though I’m not certain about that. What I do know is that the time (and date) on the moon bear no relation to the time and date on Earth, or even in Paris, where it’s still lunchtime.

3. The North Pole. There isn’t a time at the North Pole. The moon has a time, but the North Pole doesn’t. The reason the North Pole doesn’t have a time zone is because there’s no permanent human presence at the North Pole – which makes me wonder if there’s something that we’re not being told about the moon? If you go to the North Pole, you can just choose (arbitrarily) to be in whichever time zone you like. This means that you can be in a totally different time zone to the person standing next to you and the same time zone as someone standing inside Starbucks in Croydon. Or Johannesburg. Or any Starbucks you like.

4. The South Pole. The South Pole is on New Zealand time, despite being a long way from it. This is because most of the things that the polar bases consume are imported from New Zealand. But in Britain, most of the goods we consume come from China, though we’re not on Chinese time (yet). This is good as their next New Year is in February, and my New Year guests arrive in December, and there’s only so much of me they can take.

The International Date Line

5. The International Date Line. You may have already noticed that it’s not straight. This means that if you travel sort of North-Eastish, by sea, from New Zealand, the date may change several times on the way. The date line isn’t a time zone though, so when the date changes, the time doesn’t. So you know it’s 2pm, because that’s what your watch tells you, but you don’t know if it’s today, yesterday, tomorrow or Thursday – which must make arranging shipboard entertainments damn nigh impossible. And what if one of the days is your birthday? If you’ve worked on a sort of North-Eastish-sailing ship from New Zealand for a few years, you could end up having your fifty-ninth birthday at the age of twenty-seven. And then your presents would be inappropriate. What twenty-seven year old wants a subscription to the Radio Times and a pair of Totes Toasties for their birthday?

6. Trains. The Indian Pacific train in Australia has its own time zone. On its journey between Kalgoorlie and Kalgoorlie the time on the train bears absolutely no relation to the time zone that the train is in. This is because it crosses several time zones (including a weird one that changes in half hour increments). I find this confusing, but compared to British trains – which also seem to operate in their own time zone, one that bears no relation to either the time outside the train or the published timetable – it seems quite straightforward.

7. Greenwich. Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) is the time zone of zero degrees longitude. Greenwich is in London. London switches to Summer Time (BST) during the summer months. This means that London is an hour ahead of Greenwich in the summer. But, as Greenwich is in London, Greenwich is also an hour ahead of itself. This makes my head hurt. But if anyone can think of a way in which I can exploit this to plan a heist or win the lottery, please let me know.

April 12, 2010
7 Reasons To Replace Your Car With A Tank

1. Parking. Parking a tank is easy. You can park it wherever you like. You’re not going to damage it by clipping other vehicles – unless replacing your car with a tank catches on – and you’re not going to get a ticket for parking it illegally. This is because (unlike cars) tanks don’t have windscreen wipers, which is where traffic wardens put parking tickets. They can’t clamp you either, and your local traffic wardens probably won’t have a tank trap – if you live outside central London, that is.

2. Camouflage. Many tanks come with camouflage paintwork which – if, unlike me, you can spell the word “camouflage” correctly on your tank order form – is great. This means that you don’t have to look at the unsightly tank parked outside your house. You can also have many hours of fun by parking it in your driveway and watching the postman walk into it.

The unsuspecting postman, a split-second before the big surprise.

3. McDonalds. McDonalds is a popular fast-food outlet. There are thousands and thousands of them. You can only drive your car through a few of them though. But when you have a tank, every branch of McDonalds is potentially a drive-through branch. Feel free to do that, even if you’re not hungry.

4. Traffic. You may be surprised to learn that I’m not an expert on military hardware. One thing I do know though, is that all tanks come with a long pointy-tool at the front. It’s a fantastic feature that cuts down on road-congestion superbly. You just point it at things – pedestrians, aircraft, cyclists, other vehicles – and they move out of the way. Quickly! You may even end up with the whole road to yourself.

5. The school run. You know the game they play outside the school gates – the one where parents compete to see who can turn up in the largest, least appropriate vehicle for manoeuvring in an environment that contains small children? In a tank, you’re the winner. Unless, that is, another parent turns up with larger, more incongruous vehicle like an aircraft carrier or a Hummer.

6. Continental motoring holidays. Driving in Europe can be a stressful business, but not in a tank. In a tank you don’t have to fear Italian traffic, you don’t have to drive at a million miles-per-hour on the Autobahn and you don’t have to drive on the wrong side of the road – or even on the road at all. When driving through France you’ll find that entire towns and villages will come out to greet you offering kisses, bearing cheese and wine, throwing petals and waving drapeaux blanc. This is their instinctive reaction to the arrival of a tank, do not be alarmed.

7. Fuel. Tanks are very un-economical and their fuel-consumption can often be measured in gallons-per-mile, but don’t worry. When you replace your car with a tank you may find that you’ll spend less money on fuel. After all, Shell Petrol Station is not a request and they’ll probably let you fill up for nothing. They may even throw in a pasty and some Air Miles.

March 29, 2010
7 Reasons The French Couldn’t Invade The UK

1. Language. A successful French invasion would result in the British speaking French. That’s not happening. The British have about as much interest in learning French as they do in my trousers. They are also incapable of learning something so… well… pointless. (The British I mean, not my trousers. Though, come to think of it, my trousers are fairly incapable in that department too). The fact is, we Brits just wouldn’t turn up to the classes. The French would eventually get fed up and go home. Then they’d find that while they were out for the day we took over. Genius.

2. Beaches. The French have dainty little feet. It’s a well known fact, in my mind, that they spend 56% of their time in the bathroom moisturising their toes. If they try and invade by boat it means making an assault via our beaches. These are made from stone. That’s enough to make them turn around and run out of petrol in the middle of the English Channel. Please note that name. The English Channel. None of this French Chanel No.5 rubbish.

3. Flights. Attempting to invade by plane would be particularly stupid as most of the planes destined for Heathrow get diverted to Charles de Gaulle anyway. Or Luton. Both are pretty horrendous.

4. Time Difference. The French are an hour ahead of the British. Not in common sense, just in time. Supposing the French finish work at 5pm their time. It would take them two hours to get to London. That would be 6pm our time. Rush hour. Told you they didn’t have common sense.

5. Food. There is no point in invading and then going home for tea. We’d just take our country back. The French would actually have to occupy the UK. This would mean eating British food. Well they’re not going to do that are they? Who wants a plate of fish and chips when you can have frog’s legs dipped in snail fluid?

6. Nelson. Horatio still gives the French nightmares. That is why you never see an onion-selling cyclist in Trafalgar Square. Fancy losing a battle to a bloke with one arm and one eye. Do you know how difficult it is steer a ship with one arm and one eye? That’s pretty lame France.

7. Scared. The French are big pansies. In the early 1800’s Nelson had both the French and Spanish fleets blockaded in at Toulon. Instead of fighting back, they slipped through the back entrance. (A nasty habit). Nelson ended up having to chase them all the way to the West Indies. And back again. And they still didn’t bloody engage in battle. If that is their attitude how could they possibly invade the UK? They’d run away crying if the foghorn on the Calais to Dover ferry was a bit too loud.

March 22, 2010
7 Reasons To Invade France

1. Riots. There is nothing the French like more than a riot. Half the time it doesn’t have to be about anything particular, they just like getting out there and giving it a go. They haven’t had one for a while so let’s give them something to riot about. I suspect, us invading – and the French Army waving us through – will work.

2. Language. French is just very silly. What is it with everything having to be masculine or feminine? In no other language do you refer to a male cat as feminine. In no other language is my toothbrush as masculine as Freddie Mercury. In no other language is my tool box as feminine as Alan Carr. It’s a load of nonsense. Let’s get rid of it.

3. Riviera. I don’t mind the fact that the French have a Riviera. What I do mind is that it is British water they are using. It comes from the South coast of England. I have seen it go out with the tide. It slips down past the West coast of France, past Portugal, sweeps under Spain and then heads up to the South Eastern corner of France. Now, as far as I am aware, the French don’t pay us for it. Nor have they even thanked us. Well if that is their attitude, it’s time to go and get it back.

4. Liberate The Fake Named. Don’t you feel sorry for all those otherwise normally named people trapped in Frenchness. I’m referring to all the Jack’s trapped as Jacques. And the John’s as Jean. And the Peter’s as Pierre. And the Luke’s as Luc. These are men. Or at least they would have been had they not been effeminate-d upon the completion of a birth certificate.

5. Liberate Brittany. Only the bloody French could name a place after a country they pretend to hate. Brittany quite clearly belongs to Britain. In the same way that the vast majority of New England belongs to England. And the vast majority of Koreans belong to Jonathan Lee.

6. Reduce The Cost Of Onions/Garlic/Tights. I bet you didn’t even realise that onions, garlic and tights were that expensive? Well they are. And the reason for that is because the French hoard 98% of the world’s stock. The rest of the world have to fight over the remaining 2%. Of course this means the demand inflates the price to excessive levels. It’s not fair.

7. Take Down The Imitation Blackpool Tower. What is it with the French? Why can’t they have any of their own ideas? I applaud their bottle for sticking a metal pointy thing in the middle of their capital city, but it is clearly a rip-off. It’s time it came down and was replaced by a burger van.

March 18, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons to Watch the Six Nations

If you get your news from 7 Reasons, you’ll be delighted to learn that the Six Nations starts today. We have decided to celebrate this with a guest post.

Our guest post comes from Rachel Simmonite, a 21 year old BA Hons Media and Communication (Journalism) student at Birmingham City University. When she’s not busy gracing Twitter with her wit, wisdom, and frankly astonishing knowledge of club rugby, she can be found writing here.

1. Birthday. This year, the Six Nations celebrates its tenth birthday. Of course, the tournament has been going on forever – in various guises of the Home International Championship and the Five Nations – but this year is the tenth year since the Italians joined the party; with their light blue kit, dodgy hair and sideburns, and their habit of beating Scotland every other year or so, Italy – despite being the whipping boys of the tournament – have always provided good competition. And they have the best national anthem.

2. Rivalries. Talking to an Irish or Welsh friend during this tournament means you get a lot more abuse than normal. National pride and traditional rivalries are all the rage during the Six Nations. Being English, and therefore supporting the red roses through thick and thin while thinking back to the good old days of 2003, you get it in the neck more than anyone else, as every side wants to beat you more than anything. The Celtic teams (Ireland, Wales and Scotland) need to beat you for bragging rights – I haven’t been able to face my Welsh friends for the past two years – and to try and get the Triple Crown or, in the case of Scotland, the Calcutta Cup, while the French and the Italians just like to join in with the English bashing.

3. Something for everyone. Whether you’re after someone nice to look at, or a good game, the Six Nations provides both. The annual desire to beat your local rivals for northern hemisphere dominance brings out the best of the teams, both in the forwards, and the backs. With the return of the rolling maul to the game – following last year’s ELVs* – the forwards can add that extra string to their bow again, enabling loads of fans (either in the pub or at the ground) to go “HEAVE” whenever it happens. As for the backs; as long as they’re running with the ball, it doesn’t affect the precise alignment of their gelled hair, and they’re stealing the headlines, they’ll be having fun.

Rugby isn’t just about the game now, it’s about the totty. Following calendars such as Le Dieux de Stade, the word “moisturiser” has become commonly used in rugby changing rooms, as has the phrase “fake tan” – particularly if you’re Welsh. If I was feeling shallow then my 7 reasons to watch the Six Nations would be very short: Jonny Wilkinson, Tom Croft, Leigh Halfpenny, Hugo Southwell, Brian O’Driscoll, Yannick Jauzion and Sergio Parisse. Of course there are more than seven good looking players in this year’s tournament, that selection are just my favourites.

4. Anyone can win it. The beauty of the Six Nations is that you never know who is going to win the tournament; there’s no runaway winner or clear favourite. I mean, nobody would have thought that Wales would win the Grand Slam in 2005. Likewise, we didn’t expect Italy to come fourth in 2007 – the year when France beat Ireland with a +4 points difference – but that was all that separated them. Of course, with Ireland having won the Grand Slam last year (only their second since 1948), they will be labelled as favourites for this year’s tournament. But on their day, anyone can beat anyone – the Welsh very nearly spoiled the Irish party last year and who knows what the French will come up with, having beaten the World Champions, South Africa, in November? We do know that the Scots and the Italians will probably be fighting it out for the wooden spoons, but who knows? And as for England…

5. The WAGs. Becoming a rugby WAG is increasingly popular – even a member of the royal family, Zara Phillips, is a rugby WAG. The recent crop started with Gabby Logan and Kirsty Gallacher; the likes of Kelly Brook and Una (from pop group the Saturdays) followed for England, with Duffy and Charlotte Church flying the flag for the Welsh WAGs. It is inevitable that if a well known rugby WAG is in attendance at a match the television director will give them plenty of screen time. If not, you’ll be able to see photos of them cheering on their men in the Daily Mail.

6. The singing. You can’t have a rugby match without the singing. The Welsh, in particular, are very good at the singing – it’s like their second sport after rugby. With the likes of Katherine Jenkins, Charlotte Church and that blond one off of the X-Factor to sing the national anthem, Delilah, and Bread of Heaven, they do their singing brilliantly. England have adopted a song that comes with actions, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. I think you have to go on a rugby tour to learn the actions though. Ireland spoil the crowd with two anthems before a match while the French and Italian anthems are just great – I love them – like I love the bagpipes in Flower of Scotland. In fact, I love the anthems more than the bagpipes.

7. The romance. How could you treat your better half on Valentine’s weekend this year? Card? Flowers? Cheesy Marvin Gaye CD? How about a weekend in Cardiff, Paris or Rome? Arrive on the Friday night, take them out for a meal, let them do damage to the credit card on the Saturday morning and then – come the Saturday afternoon at about midday (or Sunday in the case of Rome) – announce that you’ve got tickets for the rugby and enquire whether they fancy a romantic afternoon watching thirty men run around a pitch for eighty minutes?

Of course, if your other half really doesn’t like rugby then you may find yourself in a spot of bother – but it is something that you love…

*Experimental Law Variations

February 6, 2010
7 Reasons Tintin Is Better Than Asterix

1. Appearance. Tintin – despite his abnormally spherical head – looks like a proper human being. He takes pride in his appearance. He wears blue sweaters and beige coats and spreads a little Brylcreem in his hair. Asterix, though, is a bit of a scruff. He has an exceedingly large nose and a bushy yellow moustache. He also never changes his clothes unless he’s having a dip in the Roman Baths. And why has his helmet got feathers sticking out of the top? Not one to be taken seriously.

2. Names. Asterix is surrounded by people whose names are supposed to be funny. Fulliautomatix, Unhygenix and Bacteria for example. These aren’t funny. They are just baffling. And when you first pick up an Asterix comic book aged seven, very confusing. Tintin, on the other hand, is good friends with Captain Haddock. Simple. Funny. Effective.

3. Fighting. While it’s occasionally fun to see Asterix and Obelix bash a load of Romans up and collect their helmets, it gets a little boring when it happens every other page. Which is why it’s good that Tintin has never felt a need to collect Roman Soldier’s helmets. Instead of bashing up a few baddies, Tintin prefers a little espionage. Hiding behind lampposts and impersonating scientists and wearing kilts. Far more exciting.

4. Magic Potions. Asterix is a short little fella and so would have struggled to destroy entire Roman Battalions without a sup of magic potion. Tintin, though, could bring down evil conglomerates while sipping a soda and doing The Belgian Times’ crossword. Upside down.

5. Superstitions. Asterix was silly. Well, actually, all the Gauls were silly. They believed that the sky would one day fall on their heads. And in one particular adventure, the Donald Trump of Gaulville – Vitalstatistix – thought it had. Then he realised he just had his pyjama top over his eyes. Tintin didn’t have any silly superstitions like that. Probably because he was well read. He also sleeps naked.

6. The Dogs. Both Tintin and Asterix have a dog that follows them around on their travels. Tintin’s dog is called Snowy. Snowy is forever taking part in the missions. Always on hand to save Tintin’s life. He’s a great addition to the stories. Asterix’s dog, Dogmatix, actually isn’t his dog at all. It’s Obelix’s. And he’s not very good. Instead of snapping at Julius Ceasar’s heels, Dogmatix’s main job is to get all jealous when Obelix falls in love with a girl. That’s just odd.

7. Default. Tintin was created by a Belgian. Asterix by a Frenchman. Need I say more.

January 26, 2010
7 Reasons Carla Bruni Should Replace 7 Reasons Carla Bruni Should Replace Nicolas Sarkozy as French President as French President

1. The stamps would look much, much better.

2. The President would be visible when speaking from behind a lectern and would no longer need to wear high heels.

3. Paris-Match magazine wouldn’t need to photoshop the President’s holiday pictures.

We’re not sure why they turned him pink.

4. Angela Merkel would have someone to go to the toilet with at EU summit meetings. We still don’t understand why women do that (Go to the toilet together, that is. We’re fairly certain we know why women go to the toilet).

5. Less Presidential time would be wasted jogging. Look at him, stumbling along in her wake. If she wasn’t being held back by a wheezing short-arse she could probably finish the run in half the time. This would leave more time for doing important President-y stuff and having a long lunch (it is the French presidency, after all).

6. As President, Carla Bruni would have less time to devote to her “singing” career.

7. More of a picture than a reason, but a convincing argument, nonetheless. She’s French, you know.

Do you have additional reasons, perhaps even sensible ones? Use the comments section.

November 11, 2009