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7 Reasons The French Couldn’t Invade The UK

Posted on March 22, 2010 in Top Posts | 3 comments

Keep Calm And Carry On It's Only The French

1.  Language. A successful French invasion would result in the British speaking French. That’s not happening. The British have about as much interest in learning French as they do in my trousers. They are also incapable of learning something so… well… pointless. (The British I mean, not my trousers. Though, come to think of it, my trousers are fairly incapable in that department too). The fact is, we Brits just wouldn’t turn up to the classes. The French would eventually get fed up and go home. Then they’d find that while they were out for the day we took over. Genius.

2.  Beaches. The French have dainty little feet. It’s a well known fact, in my mind, that they spend 56% of their time in the bathroom moisturising their toes. If they try and invade by boat it means making an assault via our beaches. These are made from stone. That’s enough to make them turn around and run out of petrol in the middle of the English Channel. Please note that name. The English Channel. None of this French Chanel No.5 rubbish.

3.  Flights. Attempting to invade by plane would be particularly stupid as most of the planes destined for Heathrow get diverted to Charles de Gaulle anyway. Or Luton. Both are pretty horrendous.

4.  Time Difference. The French are an hour ahead of the British. Not in common sense, just in time. Supposing the French finish work at 5pm their time. It would take them two hours to get to London. That would be 6pm our time. Rush hour. Told you they didn’t have common sense.

5.  Food. There is no point in invading and then going home for tea. We’d just take our country back. The French would actually have to occupy the UK. This would mean eating British food. Well they’re not going to do that are they? Who wants a plate of fish and chips when you can have frog’s legs dipped in snail fluid?

6.  Nelson. Horatio still gives the French nightmares. That is why you never see an onion-selling cyclist in Trafalgar Square. Fancy losing a battle to a bloke with one arm and one eye. Do you know how difficult it is steer a ship with one arm and one eye? That’s pretty lame France.

7.  Scared. The French are big pansies. In the early 1800’s Nelson had both the French and Spanish fleets blockaded in at Toulon. Instead of fighting back, they slipped through the back entrance. (A nasty habit). Nelson ended up having to chase them all the way to the West Indies. And back again. And they still didn’t bloody engage in battle. If that is their attitude how could they possibly invade the UK? They’d run away crying if the foghorn on the Calais to Dover ferry was a bit too loud.

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  1. 8) They would end up running away and needing us to come in and save them

  2. We, the Spanish, have not been much more successful, but at least we had a try. Damn you Francis Drake! In the past few days of course, it has been Spain, not England, that has been difficult to get into.

  3. Funny article when you are French and you read this. Although, i think the examples could have been more relevant.
    French could not invade England:
    1. Because there is not enough strikes to keep them busy (although at the moment…British are becoming a little bit French, aren’t they?)
    2. Because how would they eat their cheese on a good piece of baguette as it is quasi impossible to find a good baguette around?
    3. Because they would get exhausted by the lack of lunch breaks and holidays
    4. Because they can’t use the guillotine in the UK to get rid of the queen even if they would really like to
    5. Because no one would be around to listen to their constant moaning
    6. Because they would have to watch TV and movies in English. What? French watching movies…in English?
    And so on… 🙂

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