Tag: FRANCE

It’s Competition Time!

We realised something recently: We’ve never had a competition before. Ever (or at least as far as we can remember). It was quite a momentous moment in the 7 Reasons offices when this occurred to us; Jon almost missed his mouth with a biscuit and Marc looked up from his book about the war and blinked, before returning to it.

Now, bearing in mind that the last time the 7 Reasons team funds were audited they stood at half a dead spider, a creased Post-it® note, the crumbs from several ginger nut biscuits, twelve business cards, a mug with a broken handle and a lemon, we weren’t expecting to have too much money to spend on a competition, but we had another check anyway and the good news is that we still have the lemon.

“We can’t offer people a lemon”, said Marc, without looking up from his book, “You never know when we might need it. In World War II, they used to use them to sanitise cups and utensils. They also found them indispensable for…”

Jon knew when not to interrupt Marc. And now wasn’t that time, “OKAY!” he blurted, with such a ferocity that he surprised himself, “We won’t give the bloody lemon away! Just in case Hitler comes back from beyond the grave, as mad as hell, and with some sort of new vendetta against humourists, the number seven and cutlery! Because that sounds entirely plausible! We’d also better hang on to any powdered egg that we might chance upon too, and our nylons!”

“Okay”, said Marc dreamily from behind his book, entirely satisfied that mentioning the war had got him out of devising a competition.

“So the prize has got to be something cheap, or even better, free”, said Jon, failing to recognise that Marc had already decided that the task was now solely in his hands.

What the hell’s going on? He’s still talking to me. Usually he’s taken the hint by now. Right, I’m going to have to refer to the war again, thought Marc. “The Free French?” suggested Marc, “In World War II they…”

“Yes! That’s it!” exclaimed Jon.

“What!?”

“That’s perfect.”

He didn’t know what was perfect, and frankly, he didn’t care. Mumbling, “Very good then. Do carry on,” Marc turned a page and settled further back into his side of the sofa, while Jon set to work putting together his brilliantly conceived and very cheap to run competition. And here it is.

The 7 Reasons Competition

My Lords, Ladies, gentlemen, and readers of 7 Reasons (including Kindlers). The 7 Reasons team – in conjunction with the internet – wish to announce a competition. We’re both proud and delighted to offer you, our loyal readership, a big prize, possibly the biggest prize that’s ever been given away in a competition. We’re offering one lucky reader the opportunity to win France! That’s right, France!

Win France!

We’ve thought about it and it seems to us that, since they divested themselves of their monarchy in the eighteenth century, no one has actually owned France. And it’s just there, across the sea, waiting for our lucky winner to claim it. All of this can be yours.

Food.

More Food.

The Eiffel Tower.

To win France, simply complete the following sentence in a hundred words or less:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because…

Send your entries to [email protected] with “I Want France” in the subject box. The competition closes on 26-02-2011. The winner will be chosen by the 7 Reasons team (assuming they’re not reading about the war or eating biscuits) and will be announced next Sunday. We’ll also be putting the best entries on the website, with a free link to your twitter account/website/anything you’re looking to plug.

We’re really looking forward to reading your entries and would like to wish all of our entrants bon chance. And good luck.

February 20, 2011
7 Reasons To Play The Brian Moore Drinking Game This Six Nations

Last week you may remember that Marc and I failed to deliver our regular Friday joint post. In an extraordinary turn of events we have repeated the trick this week as well. But that’s fine, because it gives me a chance to have a look at one of the greatest sporting events in the calender. Tonight sees the start of the 2011 Six Nations in Cardiff, with England taking on the Daffodil Nation. I could give you 7 Reasons to watch the Six Nations but I am pretty sure we covered that last year** and to be honest, not much has changed. You shouldn’t need to rethink it. Instead I am going to take a look at the commentators. And in particular the joy former England hooker Brian Moore will be bringing to the proceedings. With his passionate views, the words of Moore make this Six Nations the perfect opportunity to have a tipple. So here it is, the 7 Reasons Brian Moore Drinking Game.

1. Criticism. No matter which country a player is from, if he’s a silly boy, Moore will let everyone know about it. Similarly, if he feels a referee has made a bad decision, we will hear it. So, if Moore labels a player a ‘half-wit’ or brands the decision of the referee as ‘stupid’ you have to drink one finger.

2. Scrum. Given that Moore spent most of his career in the middle of one, I think he has the right to harp on about the issues of scrummaging for 80 minutes. And every time he bemoans a collapse, a reset or a wonky feed, you must drink two fingers.

3. Football. That’s right, every time Moore mentions those nancy boys in that round ball game and their rolling around on the floor antics, it’s time to drink three fingers.

4. Passion. Let’s put it like this, Moore is not entirely unbiased. You get the feeling that he’d quite like England to win. And he’s not exactly scared of sharing his passion for the cause. So every time he shows his blatant England bias, drink four fingers.

5. Anti-French Sentiments. Being a proper Englishman, Moore quite rightly lacks appreciation for all things French. So when he comes out which such gems as, “Looks like he’s injured…I don’t care though, he’s French,” it’s time to drink five fingers. And cheer.

6. Admission. On the very odd occasion that Moore views a replay and admits his initial judgement on proceedings was in fact wrong, you must down the rest of your drink.

7. Cut-off. Sometimes Moore can get so worked up about something that his emotions begin to pour out of the speakers. In the past it has led the producer to pulling the plug on Moore’s microphone. Below is the perfect example of what we are looking for. If this happens it is time to refill your glass and down it in one.

Most of all though, enjoy the tournament! (If you are English).

*7 Reasons does not condone drinking to extremes, so if you feel yourself getting dizzy before half-time you may stop.

**I lied. We did not give you 7 Reasons To Watch The Six Nations last year, our guest writer Rachel did. You can read it here.

February 4, 2011
7 Reasons It’s A Disaster England Lost The Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup

1. Qualifying. England have got to do it. And that’s worrying. Ever so often they cock it up. And the qualifying campaign for the 2018 World Cup could be the ever so often.

2. Scotland. Russia have won the bid. That is one hell of a long way to go to just to put in a spirited performance – albeit in defeat – against Brazil and then lose 4-0 to Japan. They could have lost at St. James’ Park and then slipped back over the border unnoticed.

3. England. Russia is a long way to go to lose on penalties to Portugal. We could quite easily have done that at home. Or in Portugal. And the players could have done it without wearing gloves.

4. Children. Given that 66% of children think ‘The War Of The Roses’ has something to do with those sweets that aren’t Quality Street, England hosting the 2018 World Cup would have been the perfect opportunity for the BBC to do those profiles of the host country. Like they did in South Africa. They would have taught the youth of the year after the next seven all about England’s rich heritage. Instead they are going to learn about Russian dolls. And I don’t mean Anna Kournikova.

5. Economy. Let me be the first to tell you that Russia is three hours ahead of the UK. That means games during our afternoons. You can bet your last fiver that England will be playing Cameroon on a Wednesday afternoon at about 2pm BST. And it’s a game they are going to have to win having previously lost 2-1 to Romania and drawn 0-0 with a country no one has even heard of. Despite the fact that we will be rubbish, people will still be skipping work to watch the game. It’ll be enough to plunge us into a recession. Probably the same one we are in now.

6. Press. If England do make it through to the World Cup, for one whole day Sky News will be covering the ‘England Leave For Russia’ story. We’ll have to endure watching the England players walk up some steps and onto a plane. Probably followed by Gazza with a fishing rod and a bucket of chicken. Then six hours later we’ll have to watch them walked off the plane in Moscow. Followed by a drunk Gazza with a fishing rod and no chicken.

7. It’s Coming Home! If England had won the bid, we could have listened to this song while it made sense. Now, we’ll have to listen to it trying to work out how Russia is the home of football. And Baddiel and Skinner will be 54 and 61 respectively. They’ll have probably gone all Chas’n’Dave on us.

December 2, 2010
7 Reasons the Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement is a Good Idea

Yesterday, at 7 Reasons (.org) we ran a post entitled 7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement Is A Bad Idea. I discovered that we had done so while I was eating my breakfast, and it’s fair to say that I was quite stunned. In fact I, the Jacques Tati obsessed, Voltaire-reading, coffee-guzzling half of the 7 Reasons team (the one with the French name), almost choked on my croissant. “A bad idea?!” I exclaimed in a voice so high that it was only audible to very small dogs, “but it’s a brilliant idea!” And it is. Here are seven reasons why:

1. History. The most notable occasion on which we’ve had a defence agreement and a joint expeditionary force with France was the Second World War. And, as I’m sure you’re aware, we won that. Obviously it didn’t work out too well for France, what with Germany annihilating the French army and occupying most of their country, and Britain blowing up the French navy before going home to dine on powdered egg with the Americans. But we did win, so defence agreements with France are a proven success. And now that we have the Channel Tunnel, their government will be able to flee to London so much more quickly than last time. If that’s possible.

2. Cuisine. Working together will rid both nations of antiquated ideas about the other nation’s diet. They will come to realise that there’s more to British cuisine than roast beef – because we’ve had branches of McDonalds since at least the 1970s – and we will come to realise that there’s more to French cuisine than frogs legs. They’ll introduce us to soufflé: An insignificant, over-inflated tart that shrinks at the merest hint of a knife, and Quiche Lorraine: A dish that they readily share with Germans – usually as a starter – which is often followed by a generous helping of their speciality, crêpe à la guerre.

3. Wisdom. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer: A line from The Godfather – often wrongly attributed to Sun Tzu – that’s a very wise strategy indeed. And who is the enemy in this case? Well, it’s France: The nation we’ve spent more time at war with than any other. They are l’ennemi traditionnel, and by being on board the same ships with them we’ll be able to keep a very close eye on them. Also, should a war break out between the nations, civilian casualties will be minimised as the theatre of war will be far smaller than usual; sometimes it will even be confined to the same engine room or bridge. And remember, should the enemy sink one of our aircraft carriers, they will bear half the cost.

4. Finance. Even if you’re not au fait with the minutiae of military funding it’s bleeding obvious that we’re going to save lots of money by sharing spending with France. Look at paint. All armed forces need lots of paint and, by getting together we’ll have greater purchasing power when it comes to procuring it. We’ll make substantial savings on grey paint for navy use, and camouflage paint for army use. And we’ll make even bigger savings on red, white and blue paint as we’ll need bloody loads of that now that we’ll need to paint a French flag on one side of things and a British flag on the other. The savings will be enormous. Énorme.

5. Efficacy. The measure by which all branches of the armed services are judged is their strike-capability. And by entering into an agreement with the French, we’ll increase the strike-capability of our military substantially. In fact, with the French on board, our strike capability will be the highest of any force in the world; our strike-capability will be infinity, which is greater even than the combined forces of China, North Korea, Iran, Christmas Island, Easter Island, Chuck Norris and Malta.

6. Co-operation. When Britain and France work together, the two nations have been able to affect profound and lasting positive sociological change. The channel tunnel, for example, which was first proposed in 1802 and was completed a mere 192 years later, allowed refugees of many nationalities to complete the final leg of their epic journeys of migration; fleeing hardship and squalor from across the four corners of Northern France, to civilisation in Southern England; where they were able to escape the tyranny of boules, cycling and listening to Johnny Hallyday and were introduced to the more civilised British pastimes of cricket, morris dancing, and the Daily-Mail-witch-hunt.

7. Culture. Our nations have much to learn from each other and the accord will doubtless be a civilising influence. As we get to know each other as individuals there will be a significant breakdown of prejudice and an increase in cultural exchange. We will teach the French to drink copious quantities of beer and fight with bald men in shirts at the weekend, and they will teach the British to drink copious quantities of wine and run from bald men in shirts at le weekend. We will teach the French to make popular music that will be cherished the world over, and they will teach the British how to sneer at the X-Factor. We will teach them that France is the ideal holiday destination, and they will teach us that France is the ideal holiday destination. It’s a match made in heaven. The Anglo-French defence agreement is going to be great.

November 3, 2010
7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement Is A Bad Idea

Cameron: "Don't worry, your troops will be fine. From a distance it looks like a gun."

Once again the power of 7 Reasons is dictating how the world operates. Today, you will hear that Britain and France have agreed to join forces in the pursuit of defending our shores. A reliable source informs us that our piece entitled 7 Reasons To Invade France caused shock-waves in both British and French camps. David Cameron doesn’t want a diplomatic incident on his hands and the French are just scared. As a result they have agreed to stand together and deny the 7 Reasons dream. But what to them sounds like a good idea given the current economic climate, to us sounds like a catastrophe waiting to happen. Here’s why:

1. Conflicts. For this agreement to work, both Britain and France need to be reading off the same hymn sheet. Or invasion plan. But what happens if one country doesn’t like the others proposed deployment? Well, basically, they can veto it. Rather disastrously this is going to make it extremely difficult for Britain to invade France. And who wants to live without that prospect on the horizon? Well, the French probably, but who else? Life just got a little more boring.

2. Kitchen Wars. This agreement will mean both British and French troops will be stationed on aircraft carriers together. An Englishman and a Frenchman on an aircraft carrier at the same time? All we need is an Irishman and we have the makings of a joke. But, sadly, this isn’t a joke. This is a very serious matter. Who will win? A traditional English Breakfast with cup of tea or a Continental Breakfast with coffee. Even the thought makes me quite queer. And what happens if Pierre – I imagine all French chefs to be called Pierre. Or Jean-Paul. But this one’s a Pierre – what happens if Pierre is left in the kitchen alone for five minutes. He’s going to spike everything with garlic.*

3. Left or Driot? Anyone who has been to France will know that they drive on the wrong side of the road. How they sleep at night is a mystery. But that is something we will cover in a future 7 Reasons piece. Because today we need to point out the dangers this will cause. On aircraft carriers. With the British wishing to land their aircraft on the correct side of the carrier and the French wishing to land theirs on the wrong, there is going to be more than an argument. There is going to be a pile-up.*

4. Cricket. With the invasion of France looking less likely, there is going to be much more free time. Time when the troops of the two nations can bond. And what better way to bond than over a fierce game of cricket? Well, actually, every other way is better. Because the English are going to be playing proper cricket and the French are going to be playing nancy boys cricket. Or French cricket as they call it. It’s going to be like bodyline. Just with more blood and clueless Frenchmen. And this, despite what I may feel in my heart, is not a good thing.

5. Infestation. Have you ever considered the possibility that we don’t have enough frogs and snails in Britain? No? Well give it about six months and you’ll be wondering how the hell we’ve got so many frogs and snails in this country? Unless, you’ve read this. In which case you’ll know. As soon as that French aircraft carrier docks in Southampton, we’re going to get infested with the pests. And the frogs. And the snails.

6. Strikes. Who knows who we are going to have to defend ourselves against in the future, but for arguments sake, let’s suggest it’s Christmas Island. What happens if Davide and Nicolas send one of our aircraft carriers over there only for the French to go on strike? And let’s face it, this is a very real danger. The British boys will be stretched beyond belief. And, as good as they are, I am not sure they will be able to survive under the constant barrage of Christmas Tree missiles. The sheer number of pine needles will sink us.*

7. Time-Zones. This is something I doubt either Davo or Nico have considered. Return to that picture in your mind of the Anglo-Franco aircraft carrier coming under the fire of Christmas Trees if you will. The good news is that the French have ended their strike and are now sweeping pine needles off the deck. Then the order comes through that the joint force is to invade the Island at 0700. So they wait. And then at 0700 the French troops invade. And the British wonder what the hell they are doing? Because it’s only 0600.*

*These reasons are the property of Claire Quinn and have kindly been loaned out to 7 Reasons for the day. We are truly grateful. As otherwise 50% of the 7 Reasons team would have been here all day.

November 2, 2010
7 Reasons The Port Of Dover Must Not Fall Into French Hands

The Port Of Dover has asked to be privatised. It’s down to Dave and Nick to make the decision, but if they reply in the affirmative it means the prospect of it being owned by the French is very real indeed. Obviously this would be a travesty. I’m still coming to terms with France owning the fake Blackpool tower, I’m not sure I could take anything more. Here are 7 Reasons (naturally) why it must remain English. Or at the very least, part Scottish.

1. Douvres. That’s French. And rather conveniently for the French, it is French for Dover. If the French take over I’ll have to go to Douvres. I don’t want to go to Douvres. I don’t especially want to go to Dover (it’s near France), but, given the choice, I would much rather not go to Dover than not go to Douvres. Douvres sounds like a household appliance. Why would I ever want to go near one of them?

2. Bouillaboise And Chips. I don’t like stew at the best of times, so goodness knows how I’ll feel to a French seafood version on the day the French takeover the Port of Dover. Probably quite nauseous. I like my fish battered and covered in salt and vinegar. I don’t like my fish tasting like fish. And that is what the French do. They probably won’t let me have chips with it either. I’ll probably end up with frites or something else sub-potato-standard.

3. La Porte D’entree En France. If Google Translate can be trusted, this is what The Gateway To England will become. “The Port Of Entry To France”. Or, if the Queen says something – either about factual inaccuracy or unnecessary use of excess ink – we might get away with, Aux Portes de l’Angletterre. Either way, it’s not good enough. It’s still French to me.

4. Payback. As I am sure you are all aware – or if you are not Wikipedia is aware for you – Calais was, correctly, owned by the Kingdom of England up until 1558. I am not quite sure why we wanted it, but we did. Which suits me fine. Sometimes there shouldn’t be reasons for things. Anyway, the fact that we owned Calais and the surrounding catchment area has been bugging the French for many years now. So much so that they are desperate for a piece of us. It was one of the things that kept Napoleon awake at night. Instead of going the Bonaparte route this time, the French are going to try and buy us out. We must not let it happen. Our cash machines must not be infiltrated by Euros.

5. Inconvenience. A) We’ll all have to start parking on the wrong side of the ferry. B) Everything will smell of garlic. C) Britain will be invaded by an influx of berets. D) French people might move to Kent and commute to France everyday. E) The Port Of Dover will change time-zones.

6. Il y Aura Bluebirds Sur Les Falaises Blanches De Douvres. It’s enough to have Dame Vera Lynn turning in her grave, which, as she is still with us, just goes to show how desperate this situation is. I don’t want my bluebirds sur les falaises blanches-ing, smoking Gauloises, drinking cognac and selling onions on from bicycles. I want them over the white cliffs. Doing Bluebird things; in an English manner.

7. The French Invasion. It is going to be much harder for us to invade (as detailed earlier on 7 Reasons) if we have to get past the French in our own country first. Okay, it’s not as if I don’t mind a challenge, it’s just that I will now have to redraw my Risk board and re-deploy some readers troops. It’s just hassle really.

August 31, 2010
7 Reasons This Poster Frustrates Me So

1. It’s Quicker By Rail. I’m sure it was, 75 years ago. Sadly, given the fact that my last foray on a train took a good deal longer than it took Neil Armstrong to get to the moon, I would suggest times have changed. And not for the better. It’s frustrating that this poster would now have to say, ‘It’s Quicker By Rail (Unless You Meet A Cow)’.

2. It Oozes Frenchness. This isn’t my usual anti-France and all things French rant, in fact, it’s made me think of Grace Kelly. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, unless you happen to be writing this in front of your girlfriend. Now, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that Grace Kelly isn’t French – or at least a close second behind her – but in the film To Catch A Thief, she did spend an awful lot of time poncing around with Cary Grant on the French Riviera. And frustratingly, this picture reminds me of that poncing. And if there are two things I can’t stand, it’s poncing and the French. Together.

3. The Woman. While the man looks like he’s a man, the woman looks like a statue. It’s disappointing for those of us who take female equality so seriously. You would never find 7 Reasons being so vindictive. That’s why, at all times, 50% of us are strictly male lesbians.

4. Visit Scarborough. It looks quite nice in the poster. If I had been alive back in 1927, I may have got on the train. Unfortunately, having found a photo of its current state and transposed it over the poster, I can see that it hasn’t really changed much. Which is why I now have little option but to pay the £108.40 and take the 5 hour 40 minute journey (plus cows).

5. Chivalry. I am naïve. I believe it when the older generation say, ‘it wasn’t like this in my day’. They are usually talking about manners. Or sex. But that was the wrong club at the wrong time, so really it’s just manners. People used to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, though not necessarily at the same time, and men with walking sticks would most definitely offer them to women with bad backs. Sadly, though this poster indicates that in fact man couldn’t care less. Which means the older generation have lied to me. Either that or this woman is in fact a statue.

6. It’s Joe. This man is Joe Scarborough. He’s the host of Morning Joe on MSNBC. In a past life he was also a politician. The only reason I know this is because I found numerous pictures of him while searching for a photo for Reason 4. Rather frustratingly, forever more, I will hold this useless piece of information about Joe Scarborough in my mind. No doubt at the expense of some fascinating fact about sausages.

7. The Man. He reminds me of Piers Morgan. And I’m not sure why. Which means it’s doubly frustrating. And as doubly frustrating things tend to do, they will no doubt occupy my mind for the rest of the day. Which in turn, of course, means I will be dreaming about Piers bloody Morgan tonight. Thank you BBC News Magazine. Not what I call a public service.

August 10, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: World Cup Separated at Birth

It’s Sunday again and, now that the World Cup has reached the semi-final stage, there’s no football today. So, what better way to spend our time than thinking about football? Not making predictions, obviously, our track record there is worse than…well…anything. We predicted that England would beat Germany handsomely and yesterday, half of the 7 Reasons team confidently stated that the German defence would be no match for this man.

So, today we won’t be speculating on anything that might happen in the semis or the final. We’re shying away from conjecture and sticking to observation. Here are some World Cup doppelgangers that we’ve spotted during the tournament so far.

Do you look like anyone that’s played a part in World Cup 2010? If so, get in touch and send us pictures, we might add you to this page. Unless, of course, you look like Carlos Tevez. We don’t want nightmares.

July 4, 2010
7 Reasons To Love French Football

Sometimes, words are not enough. But that’s okay, we can always fall back on music and pictures.

7 Reasons To Love French Football

June 21, 2010
7 Reasons To Experience A Simple Pleasure

7 Reasons is, by and large, a humour site. At least that’s what we like to think. You may have noticed that occasionally we divert from this, although it must be said that half the time it is probably not that intentional. Today, you’ll be pleased to hear though, it is. So there’s no need to laugh. I was walking back from Tesco the other day when my phone vibrated in my pocket. It got me thinking about simple pleasures. I know what you are thinking, but no, it wasn’t that kind of pleasure. Well it was, but that’s not what I am talking about. It was a text from someone and it made me smile. And I thought to myself, while stubbing my toe, that sometimes it’s the simplest things in life that are the best. So, if you want a simple pleasure today, try these.

1. Tea. There is nothing quite like a cup of tea. Nothing. Despite what 50% of the 7 Reasons creative force say. A good cup makes you go ‘Ahhh’. Ahhh-ing is the ultimate simple pleasure. Unless it’s…

2. Confectionary. There is nothing quite like the satisfaction you get from biting all the chocolate off a Kit-Kat finger without breaking the biscuit. Or letting a Rolo melt in your mouth without giving into the temptation to bite in to it. Or getting a Malteser stuck up your nose. Unless it’s…

3. Displaying Knowledge. There is nothing quite like answering a question no one else knows the answer to. Especially when you declare your answer with, ‘I know this! I’ve done it! It’s sodomy!’. Unless it’s…

4. Finding Treasure. There’s nothing quite like putting your hand in your pocket to find a forgotten pound coin. Or a five pound note. Or that you’ve got someone else’s trousers on. Unless it’s…

5. Child’s Play. There is nothing quite like walking past an empty playground, looking around to see if anyone is about and then quickly nipping over to the swing for one last ride. And then trying to jump off and forgetting to let go. Unless it’s…

6. Winning/Insulting The French. There is nothing quite like finding you can use the last couple of letters on your scrabble rack to spell the word ‘Francophobia’. Unless it’s…

7. Unexpected Research Results. There is nothing quite like researching for the most popular simple pleasures and being presented with the website SimplePleasure.org.uk. And then clicking on the link and discovering it’s a site for sex toys. Just as your housemate enters your room to ask you a question.

June 2, 2010