7 Reasons To Invade France
1. Riots. There is nothing the French like more than a riot. Half the time it doesn’t have to be about anything particular, they just like getting out there and giving it a go. They haven’t had one for a while so let’s give them something to riot about. I suspect, us invading – and the French Army waving us through – will work.
2. Language. French is just very silly. What is it with everything having to be masculine or feminine? In no other language do you refer to a male cat as feminine. In no other language is my toothbrush as masculine as Freddie Mercury. In no other language is my tool box as feminine as Alan Carr. It’s a load of nonsense. Let’s get rid of it.
3. Riviera. I don’t mind the fact that the French have a Riviera. What I do mind is that it is British water they are using. It comes from the South coast of England. I have seen it go out with the tide. It slips down past the West coast of France, past Portugal, sweeps under Spain and then heads up to the South Eastern corner of France. Now, as far as I am aware, the French don’t pay us for it. Nor have they even thanked us. Well if that is their attitude, it’s time to go and get it back.
4. Liberate The Fake Named. Don’t you feel sorry for all those otherwise normally named people trapped in Frenchness. I’m referring to all the Jack’s trapped as Jacques. And the John’s as Jean. And the Peter’s as Pierre. And the Luke’s as Luc. These are men. Or at least they would have been had they not been effeminate-d upon the completion of a birth certificate.
5. Liberate Brittany. Only the bloody French could name a place after a country they pretend to hate. Brittany quite clearly belongs to Britain. In the same way that the vast majority of New England belongs to England. And the vast majority of Koreans belong to Jonathan Lee.
6. Reduce The Cost Of Onions/Garlic/Tights. I bet you didn’t even realise that onions, garlic and tights were that expensive? Well they are. And the reason for that is because the French hoard 98% of the world’s stock. The rest of the world have to fight over the remaining 2%. Of course this means the demand inflates the price to excessive levels. It’s not fair.
7. Take Down The Imitation Blackpool Tower. What is it with the French? Why can’t they have any of their own ideas? I applaud their bottle for sticking a metal pointy thing in the middle of their capital city, but it is clearly a rip-off. It’s time it came down and was replaced by a burger van.
8. IT is a truth universally acknowledged that English is the language most people speak if they’re tourists in a foreign country. It’s really rude that the French expect to have tourists when they refuse to speak to them in any other language apart from French.
9. And not just that. It is more than rude, than when they do decide to use English for their communication with tourists, they do it in order to con them:
I am a Greek tourist in Marseilles. I hire a taxi to take me from the hotel to the bus station so that I can later catch a bus to the airport. The taxi driver arrives and as soon as I get in, he asks: ‘Where are you going by bus?’ ‘To the airport,’ I reply. ‘How much will you pay to go to the airport, just for the bus fare?’ ’16 euros.’ ‘Oh, well, I charge fifteen for the drive to the airport. Would you like me to take you there?’ ‘Is it just 15 euros? The bags, tax, everything included?’ ‘Yes, only fifteen.’ ‘Well, sure, let’s head to the airport then.’ Once we arrive at the airport, I hand him my 15 euros and thank him. He says, ‘No, no, not fifteen, fifty.’ When I ask for the airport police, only a kind Moroccan fellow offers to help me. The airport police never shows up. I don’t give the taxi driver the 50 euros note. No. I give him fifteen euros and leave, while he is shouting some weird incomprehensible French words at the top of his voice.
Is that fair? Yes it is. My 3 year old Greek nephew can count (both in Greek and in English) better than that.
10. Rugby. If we invade quickly we may be able to stop the rugby.
.-= Marc´s last blog ..John Pienaar Impersonates a Turkey =-.