Category: Other Posts

And The Winner Is…

Hello! Marc here. It’s Sunday, and now that much of the sport has been watched, it’s time for me to sit down and sift through the entries for the awesome competition that we set last week. We felt sure that the competition – and the brilliant prize – would inspire many of our readers to wit and brilliance and well, here’s the top three entries (out of three).

In third place, with this entry is Chrissy Aram with:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I could live next door to my brother.

Now, I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. Chrissy lives in England – which is already next door to France – so, unless her brother lives in Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Monaco, Andorra or Spain, this won’t work. Plus there’s no cricket in France, she wouldn’t like that, and cricket is far better than brothers, as my sister will happily confirm.

In second place is Rachel Simmonite’s entry:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because it would be the ideal place to put my shoes, and it would be a good bargaining tool to help me take over Britain, then after that THE WORLD.

Now, if I had feet half the size of Central Europe, I’d want somewhere to put my shoes too. This is an entirely laudatory use of France. Where Rachel’s entry falls down is the suggested use of the occupation of France to take over Britain, and then the world. Or THE WORLD, as she shouted. This has already been tried – by a monobollocular chap with a funny moustache – and it doesn’t work. I appreciate that her plan differs somewhat to that of Herr Hitler, in that she intends to use France as a bargaining tool, rather than as a picturesque military base, but how would that work? Would she issue threats? “Give me the Isle of Wight or I’ll blow up Dieppe!” I can already hear the massed voice of 60 million Britons saying, “Okay, blow up Dieppe then. Whatever.” “Give me the Queen or Nicolas Sarkozy gets it!” “Bahahahahahha!” The plan is fundamentally flawed. Rachel is clearly the Wile. E. Coyote of the Win France competition.

Winging its way in from Greece (where the exchange rate is 2.5 Greek words to 1 English word) is the final entry that we received – which is also our winner – by Ασπασία Ματθαίου (easy for her to say):

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I would be able to stop that awful film overdubbing business which is just wrong. Viewers should be allowed to enjoy actor’s real voices in the way that they actually speak them. Why would anyone want to listen to Orson Welles speak in a silly French tone? I know I wouldn’t. (Individuals formerly employed in dubbing would have to find a new job, in the field of foreign film criticism. Their criticism would have to be written in the language of the film in question. At least 5000 words of it. I think that’s fair.)

Then I would pass a law whereby all taxi drivers in the area of the land formerly known as France would speak Greek. That would serve them right. And then everyone would be made to count and spell numbers correctly, in every known language in the world. Finally, that same law would clearly state to all taxi drivers that they would have to drive me to and from airports for free, eternally. (Hehehe. That would be great.)

French politics and sport I would make sure remain the same for ever more. (Yes!)

Just a final thought. If my entry wins the competition I might just hand France to Jon. I think he will appreciate the prize better.

So there you have it. In a totally unexpected outcome to our competition, France has been won and her new owner, as a result of Ασπασία’s generosity, is my writing partner, Jonathan Lee. I’d like to thank everyone that entered and, now that France is under new management, I’d like to wish her citizens good luck. They’ll need it. And Jon, you may now sally forth across the channel and claim France*. Though please get your posts for the week out of the way first, I’ve rather a lot on.

*Remember to put an English-Greek dictionary into your suitcase of baked beans and ginger nuts in case you need to use a taxi. Oh, and it’s thé au lait you want. The other brown stuff is something called coffee that you won’t like.

February 27, 2011
It’s Competition Time!

We realised something recently: We’ve never had a competition before. Ever (or at least as far as we can remember). It was quite a momentous moment in the 7 Reasons offices when this occurred to us; Jon almost missed his mouth with a biscuit and Marc looked up from his book about the war and blinked, before returning to it.

Now, bearing in mind that the last time the 7 Reasons team funds were audited they stood at half a dead spider, a creased Post-it® note, the crumbs from several ginger nut biscuits, twelve business cards, a mug with a broken handle and a lemon, we weren’t expecting to have too much money to spend on a competition, but we had another check anyway and the good news is that we still have the lemon.

“We can’t offer people a lemon”, said Marc, without looking up from his book, “You never know when we might need it. In World War II, they used to use them to sanitise cups and utensils. They also found them indispensable for…”

Jon knew when not to interrupt Marc. And now wasn’t that time, “OKAY!” he blurted, with such a ferocity that he surprised himself, “We won’t give the bloody lemon away! Just in case Hitler comes back from beyond the grave, as mad as hell, and with some sort of new vendetta against humourists, the number seven and cutlery! Because that sounds entirely plausible! We’d also better hang on to any powdered egg that we might chance upon too, and our nylons!”

“Okay”, said Marc dreamily from behind his book, entirely satisfied that mentioning the war had got him out of devising a competition.

“So the prize has got to be something cheap, or even better, free”, said Jon, failing to recognise that Marc had already decided that the task was now solely in his hands.

What the hell’s going on? He’s still talking to me. Usually he’s taken the hint by now. Right, I’m going to have to refer to the war again, thought Marc. “The Free French?” suggested Marc, “In World War II they…”

“Yes! That’s it!” exclaimed Jon.

“What!?”

“That’s perfect.”

He didn’t know what was perfect, and frankly, he didn’t care. Mumbling, “Very good then. Do carry on,” Marc turned a page and settled further back into his side of the sofa, while Jon set to work putting together his brilliantly conceived and very cheap to run competition. And here it is.

The 7 Reasons Competition

My Lords, Ladies, gentlemen, and readers of 7 Reasons (including Kindlers). The 7 Reasons team – in conjunction with the internet – wish to announce a competition. We’re both proud and delighted to offer you, our loyal readership, a big prize, possibly the biggest prize that’s ever been given away in a competition. We’re offering one lucky reader the opportunity to win France! That’s right, France!

Win France!

We’ve thought about it and it seems to us that, since they divested themselves of their monarchy in the eighteenth century, no one has actually owned France. And it’s just there, across the sea, waiting for our lucky winner to claim it. All of this can be yours.

Food.

More Food.

The Eiffel Tower.

To win France, simply complete the following sentence in a hundred words or less:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because…

Send your entries to [email protected] with “I Want France” in the subject box. The competition closes on 26-02-2011. The winner will be chosen by the 7 Reasons team (assuming they’re not reading about the war or eating biscuits) and will be announced next Sunday. We’ll also be putting the best entries on the website, with a free link to your twitter account/website/anything you’re looking to plug.

We’re really looking forward to reading your entries and would like to wish all of our entrants bon chance. And good luck.

February 20, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: How You Found Us Part 3

In this non-too regular, but popular, feature we take a look at some of the phrases that have led people to our site. Sometimes the phrases are pleasing, most of the time they are worrying, occasionally they’re disturbing. Above all though, they are entertaining. And, more importantly, they serve as a reminder that we are actually normal.

1. Phrases you used to find us that we found flattering:

Men

2. Phrases you used to find us that we found less flattering:

Physical embodiment of evil

Strange men at bus stops

Ginger moustache

How do I tell him I want to split up?

Weird looking penis head

3. Phrases you used to find us that we’re sorry we couldn’t help with:

Three reasons Herbert Hoover was bad

Reasons to have a bad week

Dating is like musical chairs

In how many schools in the world do they do detention?

Three reasons you should get a kiss

Different lampshades

How do you tell if you’re going to have a hairy body?

How do I iron a shirt?

4. Phrases you used to find us that we don’t know anything about and nor do we want to:

Hairy chested sex

Boyfriend left me feeling really horny

Nachos in bed

Did Margaret Thatcher like minors?

5. Phrases you used to find us that are just plain wrong:

Hitler

Is is wrong to kiss a stranger’s cleavage?

Cross-eye sex

Women who look like horses

Why won’t my parents let me sleep with a pig?

Six Reasons

6. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for and that we can’t help with:

Dragons with split tongues that are alive

Reflexão sobre a vida

Three reasons why recycling is bad

Reasons to jump long

Muscle makes a face

7. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for but that we were able to help with:

Richard O’Hagan Facebook – He is.

Jonathan Lee Jehovah Witness – I’m not.

February 13, 2011
We’re Here To Help
Hello there. Happy Sunday. We’ve been running 7 Reasons (.org) for over fifteen months now and, while we don’t quite have the internet profile of an organisation such as Failblog, for example, or Wikipedia, our profile has been steadily growing over that time. This means that when people google things on the internet (or use other search engines that normal people can’t name), we often come surprisingly high in the results. Search the terms “kayak across the Pacific Ocean” or “Downton Abbey series II”, and you’ll find that we come on the first page; often above far-better established and well-known organisations that have written about the same subjects. This is down, in part, to a lot of hard work on the back end of the website (the bit behind the curtain that can only be uncovered by a small dog named Toto) and in some cases to dumb luck. What it does mean though, is that we get a lot of web hits from people looking for information that we, as a humour site, are really not best-equipped to help with. But today, as it’s Sunday, as a special treat, we’re going to pick a five of the search queries that people have used to find us and help some of the people that we don’t think we helped much the first time. Yay! Go us.
- “how much is a pet komoda dragon?”
In a sense, we feel that we’ve already helped you. Now, having read our piece you’ll know that “komoda” is spelled Komodo, it ends in an o, and the k is capitalised, as it refers to the island of Komodo. Where we feel that we may have let you down is in suggesting that a Komodo dragon would make an ideal pet. We feel that you, a person trawling the internet, actually looking to buy a man-eating wild animal to keep around the home, may lack the necessary sophistication to understand that when we suggest that ownership of a Komodo dragon may be, “advantageous to the health” and that it is “the ideal domestic animal”, that we are not being earnest. We are being arch and humorous. Do not buy a Komodo dragon. Hope that helps.
- “Can I kayak across the pacific ocean?”
Firstly, well done on your spelling and punctuation, though both Pacific and Ocean should be capitalised. We’re sorry that 7 Reasons You Should Not Kayak Across The Pacific Ocean didn’t supply you with all of the answers you were looking for so, right now, we’re going to help you. We’d like to thank you for your comment, “this was really stupid and i think that this article is not worth anyones time. revise!” and apologise to you. We’re very sorry that we didn’t supply you with the necessary information you needed to plan your cross-Pacific kayaking jaunt (or to find your shift key). After all, you’d gone to all the time and trouble of googling it, so you’d been scrupulously thorough. Here, by way of apology, is a definitive answer for you: Yes, you can. You can cross the Pacific with only a kayak and a paddle and require no additional safety equipment or supplies. And the great thing is that the ideal time of year to make your epic journey is now, so go right ahead! Hope that helps.
- “Hot women not wearing clothes”
Beautifully written, well done. We can’t help but feel though, that our website may have been a disappointment to you – especially as you landed on a piece in which two men extol the virtues of World War II propaganda – rather than seeing the eye-popping images of unclothed lovelies that you were doubtless searching for. Today though, we can help. Though neither of the 7 Reasons team is a hot woman (and we always wear clothes) we can offer you the benefit of our experience. Because both of the team know hot women that sometimes don’t wear any clothes and, in our experience, the key to meeting them involves spending less time trawling the internet for “hot women not wearing clothes” and more time outside; smiling, conversing, making eye contact, being considerate, courteous, perhaps even flirtatious, but mostly not being seedy. Oh, and, even though it’s 2011, flowers and chocolate are still good too. Hope that helps.
- “left sandal means”
While we’re heartened to note that our website comes up second when googling this important and presumably oft-searched phrase, we’re a little baffled by it, and we realise that the piece you found about men wearing socks with sandals didn’t help. So here is help. “Left sandal means” could variously mean; someone abandoned a sandal; a sandal for the left foot; a pair of sandals owned by a one-legged person; you have left Sandal, West Yorkshire (if you’re one of the people that has trouble with capitalisation when using the internet); the financial status of a left sandal; the intentions of a left sandal; you spelled one, or all, of the words incorrectly; you are weird. Hope that helps.
- “Hot women not wearing clothes at all”
Well hello again! Persistent aren’t we. Given how disappointed we imagine you were when you first came upon (though that’s almost certainly the wrong phrase to use) our website, we can only wonder at the prodigious level of your disappointment now. After all, you’ve gone to all the trouble of adding the words “at” and “all” to your Google search and still, there they are, the same (fully clothed) men biffling on about the war. But today, we’re still here to help, so – in addition to our previous advice – we also suggest googling “how to google” and clicking on the first link that you find there. Hope that helps.

7 Reasons will return tomorrow, with humour instead of help. All this selflessness and benevolence really takes it out of us.
February 6, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Images

Hello! Happy Sunday! (or Friday, if you’re one of the 7 Reasons team editing this post before scheduling it for Sunday)

Images are very important to us here at 7 Reasons and we always try to put them together in-house because, though what we post usually isn’t about an image, there’s always at least one picture attached to what we’ve written. We wanted to communicate the significance that we place on arresting and original visuals to you, so we decided that today we would chose three each of our favourite images from previous posts (plus one we’d used from Google Images by way of contrast) and hold an earnest and thoughtful contemplation of the importance of imagery in our posts and the technical and aesthetic merits of the selected illustrations as pieces of artwork. Obviously we failed, so here’s Marc Fearns and Jonathan Lee bickering about pictures instead.

Hitler’s Hand

Originally used in 7 Reasons That Size is Important.

MF. This is probably my favourite of the images I’ve put together for 7 Reasons. It’s not technically brilliant (in fact, it’s quite flawed), but boring stuff aside, it ticks all of my boxes: It’s black and white; It has Hitler in it; it has some sort of Photoshop-induced oddity (the big hand), and it has a random, bizarre element to it (the triangle apparently embedded in Himmler’s head). If it weren’t for Jon’s civilising influence, 7 Reasons would probably look a lot more like World War II than it does already.

JL. I have a serious problem with this image. It seems to suggest the Nazis were very handy. The Nazis were not very handy. They weren’t even quite handy. The Nazis were rather irritating and quite frankly caused more harm than good. I also have a problem with Himmler. Unlike Marc I am not struck by the triangle in his head, but his the binoculars. Why did Himmler need binoculars? Was he a part time ornithologist? Was he a pervert? Why are they pointing at his trousers? This picture provides more questions than answers. And that I find rather frustrating.

Lamb & Jon Photoshoot

Originally used in 7 Reasons Playing With A Cuddly Toy 2010 Was Not A Let Down.

JL. I like this picture because I look like an idiot. And in this life there just aren’t enough people prepared to be idiots. Sure, there are idiotic people, but that’s by accident. It takes a very special kind of person to deliberately make themselves look like an idiot and I am very proud to say I am very special. It also reminds me of that great day last September with Lamb. Oh, what fun was had. Rock on.

MF. I’m less keen on this picture than Jon. While it does feature a pair of Aviators, which is always a good thing, it’s lacking something quite fundamental. Hitler. Or the war generally. Also, outside of the framing, there barely a straight line in it. And what’s with the archway? What sort of oddball has an archway in their house? And he’s wearing a hat indoors which, as any grandparent would be very keen to point out, is a #manfail. The only thing that makes this image good is the albino monkey.

The Anglo-French Flag

Originally used in 7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement is a Good Idea

MF. This Anglo-French flag is something that I’m rather proud of. I constructed it from a picture of a British flag, a picture of a French flag and a picture of a silk sheet (which is how I got the creased fluttering effect). It wasn’t even in the post itself, it was the featured image, which means that it appears next to the post on menus as a thumbnail and it was in the Latest Posts window at the top of our home page for five days. You might wonder why I’d go to such an effort to create an image that would be barely seen but, to me anyway, that sort of detail is important, and I like to think that 7 Reasons is all the better for having high standards. That the image of the intertwined British and French flags brought Jon to near-apoplexy is purely coincidence.

JL. As Marc indicates, this picture absolutely disgusts me. I don’t mind the United Kingdom and France joining forces if we are beating up some bad guys, but to merge the Union Jack with the Drapeau Tricolore is nothing less than treason. I have had to ask myself many searching questions since Marc posted this. Should I turn him in? Can I continue to work with him? How the hell did he get that creased fluttering effect? In the end I have allowed Marc to remain living his life in York. The prospect of writing 7 Reasons on a daily basis was just too much to deal with. Rest-assured though, he’s had a warning. A severe one. And, as he’s posted it again, I shall be poking him on facebook too.

Beauty & The Beast

Originally used in 7 Reasons You Should Never Get Cary Grant & Carrie Grant Mixed Up.

JL. Let me clarify one thing, I don’t have a ‘Cary Grant dressed as a woman’ fantasy. I think it’s important to remind you of this now as I can see why you may be thinking such a thing. It’s a disturbing sight. I don’t think there is any getting away from that. So why do I love it? Well that comes down to the photoshopping. Do you know how difficult it is finding a picture of Cary Grant and a picture of Carrie Grant that will go together seemlessly? No, of course you don’t. The consequences of your actions rarely lead you to such an investigation. The consequences of starting 7 Reasons very much do. So, yes, I was delighted that I found two pictures that would work together. It’s not perfect. If I had my time again I would do a bit of work on their skin tones, but for the purpose of the post it did the job. And in 7 Reasons circles that means victory.

MF. For once, I agree with absolutely everything that Jon said about this image. In his third sentence. I do, however, have some observations of my own. Firstly, bloody Twilight: When you’re a vampire and you’re not even the scariest person in the background of a picture, you’re doing it wrong and you should just bloody stop. Secondly, there’s a terrifying bald man wearing an ill-fitting white suit and eyeliner with someone’s severed arm tucked under his own arm. I haven’t slept properly since I saw this. Thirdly, I find Jon’s Cary/Carrie Grant hybrid creature more attractive than the actual Carrie Grant. Or Cary Grant. This is troubling. And Jon never responds to my emails begging him to photoshop more of them.

Lungs, Heart, Asparagus.

Originally used in 7 Reasons That We Should Grow Vegetables in our Lungs.

MF. I put this one together to complement the title of the piece. It’s an original x-ray with the heart and lungs highlighted which I found online and added asparagus to. I’ve chosen this image not just because I’m pleased with the way it turned out, though I am rather. I’ve chosen it because of the almost boundless amusement it gives me every time someone discovers it searching Google Images for x-rays of lungs. I just like knowing that at any given moment someone, somewhere in the world is looking at it thinking, “Blimey! (or perhaps a colloquial equivalent) That looks nasty. I’m going to treat asparagus with more respect now”. I feel certain that one day, this picture will turn up in a medical journal, or on a GP’s surgery wall.

JL. Who eats asparagus whole? Is that even possible? This is just one of the 7 Reasons images that has inspired readers all over the road. A bit like that man in Norwich who – having been so inspired by a post last June – tried to break the world record for number of Jaffa Cakes eaten in one minute and was subsequently sick all over the biscuit aisle. Now, I am not for a minute encouraging you to see how much whole asparagus you can eat at once – that would be highly irresponsible of us – but if you manage more than five I would love to know.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Originally used in 7 Reasons You Should Always Kiss Properly.

JL. I know what you are thinking, ‘Typical Jon. Two of his three image choices feature him.” Yep, I can’t argue with maths. But let’s look at this photo. At least for as long a you feel comfortable doing so. It is an animated GIF! How bloody exciting! But more than that it is a reminder. A reminder of how far my kissing technique has advanced since last March and – if you’ve been using the above as some kind of guide – how far backwards yours has gone. Lovely stuff.

MF. “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” was my initial reaction to this image when I first saw it eleven months ago. And now that I am older, wiser and more mature, on reviewing this image I would say that my reaction is now AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”. Note that Jon has attempted to baffle us with maths to distract from the inherent narcissism of his selections, but let’s consider it carefully. This, as Jon points out, is an animated GIF, so it’s not one picture of him, it’s three pictures of him. This means that four out of Jon’s five image choices are of himself. That’s 80%. Anyway, that aside, I like this picture. On the first occasion I viewed it I remembered that I was supposed to unblock the kitchen sink, and the repeat viewing has caused me to agree with my wife that I spend too long on the internet and I’ve now closed my laptop, sellotaped it shut and placed it under a sofa. With an anvil on top.

Raw Sausages

Originally used in 7 Reasons That December 24th Should be Known as the Day of the Sausage.

MF. Aha! I remember this piece. Sadly, I also remember this picture. It makes me feel sick. It’s not just that the raw former-animal bits are shiny and greasy looking and some of them appear to be inside used condoms, it’s that I don’t even remember which of us added this to the (co-written) piece. I realise what must have been going through the mind of the person that uploaded it. “Sausages! Sausages! We’ve written a piece about sausages and now I need an image of sausages – any image of sausages – right now, to go with the piece about sausages!” And, in the grip of a deadline-panic, that person will have just grabbed the first image of sausages that they saw and attached it to the post. Truly horrible.

JL. This is a perfect example of what one calls, ‘shooting oneself in the foot’. Not that I shot myself, Marc shot me. And himself. And our argument. Using this image kind of reminds me of that day I sent my CV out to dozens of prospective employers and realised a week later that it didn’t contain my contact details. That section about my ‘outstanding attention to detail’ lost all credibility after that. Now, I’m not saying that the idea of the Day of the Sausage lost credibility with the inclusion of this image, just that – if such a day ever was created – Marc and I would not be part of the marketing team. And that’s sad.

January 30, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: Blimey! It’s The Future. Now.
Last week, 7 Reasons took a step backward. We went back in time to the antediluvian age of print when our words – if not our names – appeared in Esquire magazine. How can we top that, we wondered. The present will just seem humdrum now. So we decided to ignore the present and plan for the future.

In historical envisaging of the future, it’s all hoverboards, cars that fly and spangly jumpsuits. But it’s fast becoming clear that the true instrument of the future will be the Kindle. That’s how things will be read in years to come. We determined that the way forward for 7 Reasons was to embrace the Kindle and prepare for it. Well, Jon thought that we should wear spangly jumpsuits and LED watches, but fortunately he lost the coin-toss.

So we’ve got together with the people at Amazon and we’ve made it happen. From today, we have a new thing:

That’s right Kindlers, 7 Reasons is now available on your Kindles. So when you’re out there Kindling in your futuristic world of the future, you need never miss a single 7 Reasons post. They’ll just appear on your Kindle via the combined mediums of witchcraft, space-age jiggery-pokery and the wireless internet. You can subscribe to 7 Reasons : Kindle Edition here; you can even have a free 14 day trial. For the rest of us backward peasants there’ll still be the old-fashioned website but you, Kindlers, the beautiful people of the future, will be experiencing 7 Reasons in many amazing ways.

Things the beautiful-future-people will be able to do with their Kindles:
- Read 7 Reasons in direct sunlight.
- Read 7 Reasons for hours and hours without straining their eyes.
- Spot 7 Reasons spelling-mistakes with their built-in dictionary (but not as a drinking game, a post by Jon could prove fatal).
- Be better than the rest of us.
- Think of a witty and brilliant fifth thing.
Things that the rest of us will be able to do without Kindles:
- Stand in mud.
- Eat a raw turnip.
- Point at the beautiful-future-people.
- Lick a fetid dog.
- Wail with despair and cry until our souls hurt.
So, that’s the future: Available now. 7 Reasons will return tomorrow in many forms. Like the Devil.
January 16, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons Esq

Men of the world, have you ever been in the company of a woman? Has that woman ever told you she used to be a gymnast? Were you wearing a scarf at the time? If you answered ‘Yes’ to all three, you need to buy the February issue of Esquire.

Of course we wouldn’t just tell you to buy a magazine without good reason. Naturally, nor would we give you just one good reason. That is not how we operate. Except on Sundays. Because on Sundays, anything goes. And on Sundays we really can’t be bothered to think that much. So your one good reason to buy the February issue of Esquire is that we are in it. That’s right, after 15 months of web based reasoning we have moved across to printed press reasoning.

I say ‘we’, in truth I should probably say ‘Jonathan Lee’, because in a rather unfortunate episode of crediting, the name ‘Marc Fearns’ is no where to be seen. When you consider that Marc devised four of the seven reasons this is a cruel and a damning twist of fate. Marc is a fairly stoic character however, and so when I (that’s Jon) sent news of our publication and lack of credit to York, I was expecting him to take it in his stride. This was Marc’s response:

“That’s like getting an enormous, beautifully wrapped box for Christmas only to discover that it contains a brick. And a lemon. I suppose that this is some form of progress though. Well done on getting published. You know those embittered, crazy, dishevelled old men that hang around train stations and regale you with unsolicited and doubtful tales of their own accomplishments? “I devised a text-in format for Richard Bacon…I made my cat walk on foil…I used to write for Esquire…Robert De Niro stole my hat…I once met the Queen of the pigeons.” This is probably how it starts. Can you get them to put a retrospective credit in next month or should I start growing a grey beard and soiling my own trousers now?”

Now, I know exactly what word has sprung to mind. Immature. And I know immature sprung to mind because that is exactly what it did in mine. I have little time for immaturity and over-reaction in my life, so I ignored him. Which, in hindsight, was a bit like poking a big beast with a hot poker. After twenty-four hours without contact, Marc sent me a new email with ‘New Logo’ in it’s subject. Thinking that Marc had obviously mellowed overnight and was now concentrating on the design of the site, I openned the attachment with intrigue. This is what I found:

Now, I know exactly what word has sprung to mind. Petty. And I know petty has sprung to mind because that is exactly what it did in mine. I have little time for pettiness in my life, so I have continued to ignore him. Which only provoked the Yorkshire beast more. We are now in a stand-off John Wayne would have been proud of. Marc keeps firing photoshopped images at me and I keep shielding myself with my ego. Time will only tell whether 7 Reasons comes through this tricky patch, but just in case we don’t, we strongly advise you to pick up Esquire now. It may be the last time you will ever see 7 Reasons name in print. Well, Jonathan Lee’s anyway.

January 9, 2011
It’s Christmas!

Hello! Merry Christmas from the 7 Reasons team. We’ve been having a whale of a time here today, we slept fitfully and expectantly and this morning we gathered around the 7 Reasons tree to unwrap our presents:

Jon was thrilled with his set of Kim Jong Il models.

Marc was somewhat less thrilled with his Lakeland lemon preserver.

Now that the presents are unwrapped and we’ve tidied the floor up and fed the penguin, it’s time for us to take off for a while, to resume our real lives for a week or two; so that we can spend time with our friends and families, and experience events without thinking, “I can probably get a 7 Reasons post out of that“. Because our first thought on falling into a hole is invariably, “7 Reasons Not to Fall Into a Hole!”, rather than the more conventional, “Fuck! My arm hurts, I hope no one saw me. Have I ripped my trousers?“

We won’t be posting anything new until the 6th of January but, rest assured, we’ll probably be creating things for next year while we’re away. We’ll also – inspired by Christmas television, in which the repeats are often more popular than new programming – be tweeting the links to some of our favourite posts during the holidays. Feel free to read or re-read them and to wander around the site unsupervised while we’re away, we’re very trusting.

We’d like to wish all the readers, guest writers and friends of 7 Reasons a very merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year*, and we’d like to thank everyone for their continued help and support. We couldn’t keep this up without you,

Marc and Jon.

*And a happy Sausage Day!

December 25, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: A Recipe

Hi, Marc here. It’s Sunday and half of the 7 Reasons team is unwell. Sadly, its the half that’s writing today’s post; so I’m sorry if you’ve been clicking refresh on the homepage for the last few hours waiting expectantly for this to appear. Anyway, here it is.

A glass of mulled wine contains several of your five a day. Probably.

We’ve brought you recipes before of course. I’ve given you a recipe for SPAM on a plank, and Jon’s shown you how to remove something from the freezer. Badly. But it occurred to me that we’ve never given you a recipe for something you might conceivably like to consume. And it’s the time of year for it, so here’s my epic recipe for mulled wine that I’ve been inflicting on house-guests every winter since…well…before we had a house. Or guests. Anyway, here are the ingredients that you will need:

2 Bottles of red wine: It doesn’t matter how many people that you are going to give mulled wine too, the correct quantity is always two bottles. Don’t just use the cheapest wine that you can find as, if you do, your mulled-wine will be mulled-cheap-wine, and no one will like it. You don’t need to spend very much though, an inexpensive Aussie Shiraz-Cabernet will have enough strong fruit notes and body to support the ingredients, or a cheap Tempranillo. Just don’t use anything too light of body like a Pinot Noir or a Beaujolais, as it will be overpowered by the other ingredients.

2 Lemons (quartered).

2 Oranges (quartered).

4 Cloves.

5 Tablespoons of honey.

1 Cinnamon stick.

2 Teaspoons of ground ginger.

Put all of the ingredients into a pan. Put the pan on the hob. Turn the hob on (to a low heat). Stir constantly until the mulled-wine is near boiling point but importantly DO NOT LET THE MULLED-WINE BOIL! When it boils the alcohol escapes, and you need that in order to suffer your house-guests, (or they will need it to suffer you, in my case). While it is warming, taste frequently and add any random thing you can think of to improve the flavour. Last New Year’s Eve, I added a quartered and squeezed satsuma, half a cup of brandy, half a cup of triple sec, a big splash of orange juice and a tsunami of dark rum*. All of these things work very well in it. When everything’s in and it’s near boiling point turn the hob off and ladle your mulled-wine into cups, mugs or glasses (glasses without handles will be too hot to hold so only give those to guests you dislike). You may then drink the mulled-wine. And as you’re the person that made the delicious, warming, tasty beverage that they enjoyed so, everyone will briefly love you and will happily tolerate you for the remainder of the evening.

Right, I’m off to mull my way back to health. 7 Reasons will be back tomorrow with seven reasons…for something.

*Several hours after drinking this mulled-wine when we were cracking open the Champagne, we all realised that we were really quite drunk, and were surprised because we’d only consumed a bit of mulled-wine and three or four beers over the course of the evening. I think I’ve just solved the mystery.

December 19, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: The 7 Reasons Leaks

*

It’s almost as if every other day of the week leads up to this. Sunday! But enough of that, let’s get to business, you have wrapping to do. The second most important thing this week concerns the ongoing Wikileaks shebang. Here at 7 Reasons we are nervous about it. Many emails are exchanged between us. Dozens a week. Some even make sense. They are our life-blood. Amongst our messages of affection and frustration lie bits of creative genius and ideas that spark beauty. Of these we are proud and smug. But there are also moments when one of us embarrasses ourselves. Or one of us says something that could come back to bite us in the undergarment area. These messages have been hidden deep in the 7 Reason vault. Never to be seen by anyone outside of our cult. But what happens if we’ve missed something? What happens if Marc has left the code showing on the padlock? What if Jon has put the wrong box in the vault? The unseen 7 Reasons files could be in the shed! What happens if Wikileaks has sent someone round to the shed? We are going to be exposed! And we don’t like being exposed. Especially the York based half of us. The only way we can counteract any embarrassment Wikileaks could cause ourselves, our family and our friends is a show of the utmost alpha-male. We are going to share the embarrassing bits of 7 Reasons with you ourselves. Now. Ha! Take that Wikileaks!

This isn’t an actual conversation that took place of course. Just some of the things we said in a variety of messages. We don’t want you thinking we are wierd or anything. Because we’re not. Not one of us. Zilch.

Jon: I’m a prick. Not a massive one, but enough of one. The good news is, I have remembered how to use it.

Marc: Do you need a tissue?

Jon: I am surpsied you have to ask.

Marc: Hang on. I just sat on a lemon. I’ll be back in ten minutes.

Jon: I just sat on a cat. I’ll be back when I’ve won my case.

Marc: You can never win. I just gave my wife a Hitler salute. She headbutted me in pelvis. It’s unfair when she uses the ladder.

Jon: I have always thought Steps were vastly underrated. Especially the short one.

Marc: It would be silly to keep talking about it. We know he’s a cock.

Jon: Fair enough, we shall wash our hands of it.

Marc: Will do. I’m going for a bath.

Jon: This is a potentially dangerous situation. I live near someone who uses Lidl.

Marc: I’m not sure that’s the issue.

Jon: We’ll blame the French.

Marc: I’m glad we thought it was a good idea. Shame no one else did.

Jon: We’ll probably reep the rewards in the months to come.

Marc: That’s the SEO working. I have done lots of work on the back-end.

Jon: Does your wife know?

Marc: I woke her up celebrating. She looked angry.

Jon: I think that’s more unlucky than anything. We know we what we are trying to do and, for the most part, we are doing it.

Marc: I completely agree with everything you’ve said. Do we have any ideas for Sunday?

Jon: I’m going for a run.

Marc: I always meet a cow.

Jon: That’s one more we can add to the 7 Reasons posse.

Marc: It’s very annoying when you do that, especially given the countless hours of hard work I have put in. Stop it!

Jon: I’ll do it this weekend then.

Marc: I’ll be in a field drinking beer and shan’t have access to the internet.

Jon: Well done.

Marc: Thanks.

So there you have it. Straight from us. Wikileaks can never make us look stupid and you undoubtedly have newfound respect for us. For this we thank you.

*Marc: This isn’t a leak.**

**Jon: What is it then?***

***Marc: It’s a leek.****

****Jon: You say potato, I say tomato. Same thing.*****

*****Marc: No they’re not.******

******Jon: Not the same as a leak, no.*******

*******Marc: It’s leek!********

********Jon: You say potato, I say…*********

*********Marc: **** **** ******* ****!!!**********

**********Jon: If you put a mirror on the left side of the asterisks, you get a Christmas tree.***********

***********Marc: Wow. That’s pretty.************

************Jon: I love you.*************

*************Jon: Marc?

December 12, 2010