We’re Here To Help
Hello there. Happy Sunday. We’ve been running 7 Reasons (.org) for over fifteen months now and, while we don’t quite have the internet profile of an organisation such as Failblog, for example, or Wikipedia, our profile has been steadily growing over that time. This means that when people google things on the internet (or use other search engines that normal people can’t name), we often come surprisingly high in the results. Search the terms “kayak across the Pacific Ocean” or “Downton Abbey series II”, and you’ll find that we come on the first page; often above far-better established and well-known organisations that have written about the same subjects. This is down, in part, to a lot of hard work on the back end of the website (the bit behind the curtain that can only be uncovered by a small dog named Toto) and in some cases to dumb luck. What it does mean though, is that we get a lot of web hits from people looking for information that we, as a humour site, are really not best-equipped to help with. But today, as it’s Sunday, as a special treat, we’re going to pick a five of the search queries that people have used to find us and help some of the people that we don’t think we helped much the first time. Yay! Go us.
- “how much is a pet komoda dragon?”
In a sense, we feel that we’ve already helped you. Now, having read our piece you’ll know that “komoda” is spelled Komodo, it ends in an o, and the k is capitalised, as it refers to the island of Komodo. Where we feel that we may have let you down is in suggesting that a Komodo dragon would make an ideal pet. We feel that you, a person trawling the internet, actually looking to buy a man-eating wild animal to keep around the home, may lack the necessary sophistication to understand that when we suggest that ownership of a Komodo dragon may be, “advantageous to the health” and that it is “the ideal domestic animal”, that we are not being earnest. We are being arch and humorous. Do not buy a Komodo dragon. Hope that helps.
- “Can I kayak across the pacific ocean?”
Firstly, well done on your spelling and punctuation, though both Pacific and Ocean should be capitalised. We’re sorry that 7 Reasons You Should Not Kayak Across The Pacific Ocean didn’t supply you with all of the answers you were looking for so, right now, we’re going to help you. We’d like to thank you for your comment, “this was really stupid and i think that this article is not worth anyones time. revise!” and apologise to you. We’re very sorry that we didn’t supply you with the necessary information you needed to plan your cross-Pacific kayaking jaunt (or to find your shift key). After all, you’d gone to all the time and trouble of googling it, so you’d been scrupulously thorough. Here, by way of apology, is a definitive answer for you: Yes, you can. You can cross the Pacific with only a kayak and a paddle and require no additional safety equipment or supplies. And the great thing is that the ideal time of year to make your epic journey is now, so go right ahead! Hope that helps.
- “Hot women not wearing clothes”
Beautifully written, well done. We can’t help but feel though, that our website may have been a disappointment to you – especially as you landed on a piece in which two men extol the virtues of World War II propaganda – rather than seeing the eye-popping images of unclothed lovelies that you were doubtless searching for. Today though, we can help. Though neither of the 7 Reasons team is a hot woman (and we always wear clothes) we can offer you the benefit of our experience. Because both of the team know hot women that sometimes don’t wear any clothes and, in our experience, the key to meeting them involves spending less time trawling the internet for “hot women not wearing clothes” and more time outside; smiling, conversing, making eye contact, being considerate, courteous, perhaps even flirtatious, but mostly not being seedy. Oh, and, even though it’s 2011, flowers and chocolate are still good too. Hope that helps.
- “left sandal means”
While we’re heartened to note that our website comes up second when googling this important and presumably oft-searched phrase, we’re a little baffled by it, and we realise that the piece you found about men wearing socks with sandals didn’t help. So here is help. “Left sandal means” could variously mean; someone abandoned a sandal; a sandal for the left foot; a pair of sandals owned by a one-legged person; you have left Sandal, West Yorkshire (if you’re one of the people that has trouble with capitalisation when using the internet); the financial status of a left sandal; the intentions of a left sandal; you spelled one, or all, of the words incorrectly; you are weird. Hope that helps.
- “Hot women not wearing clothes at all”
Well hello again! Persistent aren’t we. Given how disappointed we imagine you were when you first came upon (though that’s almost certainly the wrong phrase to use) our website, we can only wonder at the prodigious level of your disappointment now. After all, you’ve gone to all the trouble of adding the words “at” and “all” to your Google search and still, there they are, the same (fully clothed) men biffling on about the war. But today, we’re still here to help, so – in addition to our previous advice – we also suggest googling “how to google” and clicking on the first link that you find there. Hope that helps.
7 Reasons will return tomorrow, with humour instead of help. All this selflessness and benevolence really takes it out of us.