Author: 7 Reasons

7 Reasons Andrew Strauss Should Win Sports Personality of the Year

Andrew Strauss ©SarahCanterbury

1. Mess. At the start of the summer the England cricket team was in a mess. They were a team still reeling on the back of coach-captain issues and defeat to the West Indies. Not a productive environment to be in. But somehow Strauss led them out of the darkness and into the light. From zeros to heroes. From ashes to, erm, Ashes.

2. Form. The general rule with captains, and certainly English captains, is that when you take over, your form dips. No matter how good Nasser Hussain and Michael Vaughan were as captains, they weren’t the same players. And to be fair neither is Strauss. Unlike messrs. Hussain and Vaughan though, Strauss has improved his game. He has been unstoppable in his pursuit of runs. Not just in Tests, but also in the ODI format. A format he supposedly couldn’t perform in. He has bucked the trend to spectacular effect.

3. Team. Not only did Andrew Strauss have to lead himself, he had to lead a team. That’s another ten people to motivate, stimulate and berate. The other contenders this year only had number one to look after. Button. Tweddle. Ennis. They had it easy. Andrew Strauss should probably win SPOTY multiple times over.

4. ICC Muppetry. For some bizarre reason Mitchell Johnson was named 2009 ICC Cricketer of the Year. Did the board not watch the Ashes? Johnson was owned by Strauss. How can someone who owns someone lose out to the person they own? It’s a bit like me beating my Mum to the 2009 Ironer of the Year. Just nonsense. SPOTY will go some way to make up for this. (Strauss losing out to Johnson I mean, not my Mum losing out to me. That never happened).

5. Formula One Factor. Jenson Button was great this year. I very much enjoyed watching him rule. However, he shouldn’t win. Lewis Hamilton won the F1 Championship last year and he was the SPOTY runner-up. It is only right that the same happens to Jenson. Next year Lewis and Jenson will almost certainly be in the same team. Whichever one wins the World Championship can be SPOTY 2010. Fair and simple.

6. Compton Miller. Andrew Strauss won the Compton-Miller medal this year. The Compton-Miller medal. The name just exudes greatness. Anyone who has a medal that exudes greatness should win a large trophy in the shape of a TV camera.

7. Personality. The whole personality bit of SPOTY annoys me. You can be sure that, the day after SPOTY, people will be moaning about the fact that the winner doesn’t have a personality. Of course they bloody don’t. They are not supposed to. They spend every hour of every day focusing on being the best in their field. They don’t have time to have a personality. Interestingly though, Andrew Strauss has one. I know this because he calls people dude. Only people with personality call others dude.

November 18, 2009
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Shave (for men).

Thinking of shaving? Don’t bother, it’s a pointless waste of time and your life will be improved by not doing it. Here’s why:

1. You are on the run. No one that goes on the run shaves. Saddam Hussein – Beard. Radovan Karadzic – Beard. Harrison Ford in The Fugitive – Beard. I don’t know why the authorities don’t draw beards on wanted posters. Fugitives always stop shaving. Why not just round up all bearded men? They did it.

2. Christmas. You are a portly man with white facial hair. Of course you shouldn’t shave before playing Santa. Children will inevitably pull your beard. If your beard should come off in a child’s hand, they will learn in a shocking and traumatic manner that Father Christmas isn’t real. Not only will you have ruined Christmas for them, you will have broken the sacred bond of trust between a young child and society. Eventually, disillusioned, the child will withdraw from society, becoming a loner, a sociopath and, in adulthood, a criminal. Their criminality will escalate until they commit a crime so heinous that they will be forced to become a fugitive and stop shaving. This will be your fault. All because you shaved. You bastard, Santa!

3. Skinny jeans. You wear skinny jeans and a plaid shirt. No one that wears skinny jeans and a plaid shirt shaves.

4. You are a Nazi. None of the crew of a U-boat shave at sea, so they end up with beards at a similar stage of development. We have learned from movies that the more ardent a Nazi the submarine’s Political Officer is, the poorer and sparser his beard growth is. This makes him appear less masculine than the rest of the crew and marks him out for ridicule. Not shaving helps fight Fascism.

5. Turkish barber. You shouldn’t shave if you live near a Turkish barber. If you did, you miss out on the pleasure of having someone else shave you. Who’d want to forgo the experience of having a middle-aged man – shaking and hyperactive from far too much strong coffee – holding a cut-throat razor to your jugular and gesticulating wildly, millimetres from your face, while he asks you where you’re going on holiday this year? Then he sets your ears on fire. You’d miss that if you shaved.

6. Shaving is boring. Scraping your face every day is mind-numbingly tedious, in fact, shaving is the second dullest experience known to man. Why not stop? Then you’d have more time to paint that fence or read this website. The dullest experience known to man is thinking about Celine Dion while shaving, in case you were wondering.

7. Stubble. If you don’t shave, you get stubble. Stubble is brilliant. Stubble is manly. Stubble makes a noise when you scratch it – a noise! How cool is that? Stubble makes you look like Don Johnson. Stubble irritates your wife. Stubble is a facial badge of freedom. Stubble is a bridge between your hair and your face. Stubble prevents you from resembling an accountant. Don’t shave. Get stubble.

November 17, 2009
7 Reasons For 7Reasons.org

1. Enjoyment. We’ve been running our 7 Reasons blog for a while now. We really enjoy it, and other people have been enjoying it too. We want to keep on enjoying.

2. The name. The blog was called 7reasons-sevenreasons.blogspot.com as this was the best name we could get on Blogger. That’s a seriously rubbish name, it’s totally unmemorable and we want to make a 7Reasons.org mug. If we’d made a 7reasons-sevenreasons.blogspot.com mug it would be huge and useless for drinking coffee from. Its size would mean that it was only suitable for the sort of unsophisticated chap who thinks that drinking an enormous quantity of tea is a good idea.

3. Help. 7 Reasons is basically a self-help guide, so people deserve to find it. The catchy new name should help them do this. It’s help (non-self).

4. Blogger. We had quite a few issues when using Blogger as a host. We would often discover that when we viewed our meticulously crafted posts on the blog, that they had been re-spaced and re-sized, that the font style had changed with bold type often randomly added. We found that undoing this was rather tricky and time-consuming. We also found that it was often difficult to log in. On the day that we launched the blog, for example, neither of us could log in to post our debut list. This sort of thing was unacceptable and we hope that with our own site we can eradicate this sort of issue. In fairness to Blogger, I should point out that their services are free and that the co-authors of this website both continue to host their personal blogs there.

5. New Stuff. Now that we have our own site, we have a huge scope for new functions and features. We’re going to be tinkering and adding new stuff as we go along. We’re not sure what yet, but it will be new and it will be stuff. We’d love to hear suggestions.

6. Email. Our old email address was, like the old site name, large and unmemorable. Our new email address is [email protected], which is a vast improvement. Consequently, we expect to receive more emails from readers, with their suggestions for topics, for website features and functions and (we really hope this happens) complete 7 Reasons lists. We know that you’re erudite and funny, we read the comments. Why not have a go yourself?

7. The World. Hitler wanted to take over the world, we do too. We see this as the next stage in our quest for world domination. 7 reasons that Marc and Jon should run the world, there’s an idea…

November 16, 2009
7 Reasons Why Songwriting Is Easy

1. Tackle Dangerous Ground. You can take two areas that should just not work together, i.e.: sex and fire, and merge them. You couldn’t show two people having a fondle on a bonfire in a TV show, but you can write a song called Sex On Fire and it’s fine.

2. Huge Creative License. You can call something something when it’s not actually that something. Alanis Morissette’s Ironic for example. “It’s like rain on your wedding day.” This is not ironic. It’s unlucky. Or to be expected if you book your wedding for a Tuesday afternoon in January. It always rains on a Tuesday afternoon in January.

3. Endorse Nonsense. You can write things that don’t make sense and never will make sense. Yet listeners will spend ages being confused by them. “Are we human or are we dancer?” I haven’t got a clue what Brandon Flowers is on about. And are the two things really mutually exclusive? Can’t we be a human who dances? Or is he suggesting we’re puppets? I am no puppet Flowers. I’m going to go and listen to Coldplay.

4. Lack Genius. You can be a simpleton and write a song. No offence to Lady Gaga, but I am pretty sure I came up with the lyrics to Bad Romance when I was about two months old. “Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance.” Just shut up you silly, silly woman.

5. Promote Drugs. You can tell people what it’s like to be addicted to drugs and, in the process, make it sound awesome. “We skipped a light fandango. Turned cartwheels cross the floor. I was feeling kind of seasick. But the crowd called out for more.” Whatever Procol Harum were on, I want some.

6. Promote Drugs. You can tell people what it’s like to be addicted to drugs and, in the process, make it sound bloody awful. “I am the eggman. They are the eggman. I am the walrus. Goo Goo g’joob.” Whatever The Beatles were on, I don’t want to go anywhere near it.

7. Promote Sex. And more to the point, promote extramarital sex. All you have to do is write the lyrics in French and get the singer to have an orgasm at the end of the song. Then Bingo! There is your hit. Between you and me I think Jane Birkin was faking it though. Je vais et je viens, entre tes reins.

November 15, 2009
7 Reasons You Will Win The Pub Quiz

1. You know that in 1975 there was a number one single whose title wasn’t in the lyrics. Bohemian Rhapsody. And you know this was replaced at number one by the song whose title was a lyric in Bohemian Rhapsody. Mamma Mia.

2. You know which area of London has six consecutive consonants in its name? Knightsbridge.

3. You know which member of your family is an anagram of ‘Woman Hitler’. Mother-in-law.

4. You know which Nobel Literature laureate wrote for the Dick Emery Show. Harold Pinter.

5. You know which country has won the most Wimbledon men’s singles title. Great Britain.

6. You know which two bands from the 60’s and 70’s are named after sperm. The Lovin’ Spoonful and 10cc.

7. Like me you have a copy of Esquire on your lap and are cheating. Not just everyone else but yourself. And you couldn’t care less.

November 14, 2009
7 Reasons To Like Doors

1. The bedroom door. No matter what age you are, whether you share it or are its sole occupant, your bedroom is a private place to do private things. Whether you are a teenage boy practising your faces in the mirror, a thirty year old man playing World of Warcraft on his computer or a fully grown woman singing-along into her hairbrush, your privacy is protected by the door. If it weren’t for the door your siblings, parents, children, housemates and curious pets would be free to spectate on, or join in with, your bedroom activities. Hurrah for the bedroom door.

2. The bedroom door. If there were no doors then your parents’ bedroom would be open. There is nothing that happens in there that you should have to witness. Nothing. Not ever. Never. No.

3. Locks. If there were no doors, there would be no door-locks. They deter burglars, vandals, squatters and perverts from entering your house. Also, the ability to retain keys is what separates us from the animals, and from my friend Rachel.

4. Slamming. Slamming the door on your way out is like adding an exclamation-mark to a furious exit; without doors you’d have to shout “pow” or kick the wall. This wouldn’t be as effective and you might feel silly.

5. The Doors. Without doors, The Doors would have been called The, which would have been rubbish. It would also have confused fans of The The – and me.

6. Knocking. If there were no front doors, there would be nothing for the pizza-delivery-man to knock on and many Americans would starve to death…eventually.

7. The wardrobe door. If there were no doors, your wardrobe would be open and the contents would be visible. Is there a more effective way to repel a new lover than letting them glimpse the saggy jogging-bottoms and moth-eaten, bobbly cardigan that you wear around the house? Without the wardrobe door, your new suitor would be able to see the future and you would be single forever.

Leaving a comment is like providing a window to your soul. We like windows.

November 13, 2009
7 Reasons People Love Lists

1. Order. Your life is busy. You just have so many things to do. So many things that, sometimes, you forget to pack your knickers or eat more than spaghetti hoops all day. A list is a cure. It brings order to the chaos of your mind. You won’t embarrass yourself again.

2. Stationery. A list gives you a chance to use those highlighters your grandparents bought you five years ago. And the A4 pad. Andthe gold star stickers. And the 23 pencils. And the car shaped pencil sharpener that has moving wheels. And the book, How To Write The Perfect List.

3. Format. ‘The Nation’s 50 Favourite Types of Sock’ will easily take up an hour of Channel 4’s schedule or a six page spread inHaberdashery Monthly. Why waste time doing something that will involve thinking? Lists are a part of ‘Broken Britain’ and we should be proud about that.

4. Focus. You can prioritise what needs doing. 1 – Watch the rugby.2 – Watch the wife do the ironing. 3 – Mend the iron.

5. Targets. History shows that if you write your targets down when you are a young whippersnapper, they will more often than not be accomplished. Think about it. Benjamin Franklin had targets. Jonny Wilkinson had targets. Jack The Ripper had targets. Exactly.

6. Throwing. Is there a better feeling than screwing up a now completed list and chucking it across the room towards the bin? Absolutely not. Especially when your boss walks into the trajectory of its flight and it lands in his coffee, splashing hot liquid all over his shirt and causing first degree burns on his stupid Mickey Mouse tie.

7. Prevention. Drawing up a list stops us getting on with what we should be doing. And as that’s picking up next door’s children from the swimming pool, it’s good thing. They’re ugly and should not be seen anywhere near a 1998 Volvo Estate.

November 12, 2009
7 Reasons Carla Bruni Should Replace 7 Reasons Carla Bruni Should Replace Nicolas Sarkozy as French President as French President

1. The stamps would look much, much better.

2. The President would be visible when speaking from behind a lectern and would no longer need to wear high heels.

3. Paris-Match magazine wouldn’t need to photoshop the President’s holiday pictures.

We’re not sure why they turned him pink.

4. Angela Merkel would have someone to go to the toilet with at EU summit meetings. We still don’t understand why women do that (Go to the toilet together, that is. We’re fairly certain we know why women go to the toilet).

5. Less Presidential time would be wasted jogging. Look at him, stumbling along in her wake. If she wasn’t being held back by a wheezing short-arse she could probably finish the run in half the time. This would leave more time for doing important President-y stuff and having a long lunch (it is the French presidency, after all).

6. As President, Carla Bruni would have less time to devote to her “singing” career.

7. More of a picture than a reason, but a convincing argument, nonetheless. She’s French, you know.

Do you have additional reasons, perhaps even sensible ones? Use the comments section.

November 11, 2009
7 Reasons TV Adverts Annoy Us

1. Interruptions. Let’s start with the obvious. Ads interrupt programmes. And just when you are getting into them as well. Now you have to wait five minutes to see if the bloke is dead or not. Then you find out he isn’t and curse the show for being unrealistic. He shot him in the head for goodness sake.

2. Voiceovers. That famous bloke is doing the voiceover for a financial advert. You just can’t place the voice. You spend the whole evening trying to work out who it is. You can’t sleep. You are tired the next day. The presentation goes badly. You get fired.

3. False Advertising. Some of the claims that adverts make are quite frankly bollocks. Take Gaviscon for example. ‘Oh no! I have heartburn. I won’t be able to save the stranded hiker using my rescue helicopter. I know! I’ll have some Gaviscon. That’s much better. Now I can save lives.’

4. Michael Winner. If Michael Winner is not annoying enough, it’s his bloody stupid catchphrase, “Don’t worry dear, it’s a commercial”. Twat.

5. Dubbing. It’s an advert for some sort of grooming product. Probably a razor. Or Just For Men. The gaudy font clearly shows it’s an American advert, so why have they employed some Brits to dub over the top? And why does it never sync properly? It’s just very, very poor workmanship.

6. They’re loud. Because everyone knows we go to the kitchen during the break, the ads are 50db louder than the show you are watching. Naturally, you turn the volume down as the adverts start. When you get back in the room you forget to turn it up again though. As a result you miss the really important conversation that explains how Inspector Frost knew the murderer was the one with the wooden leg and the false eye lashes.

7. They can’t keep it real. Not all adverts are bad. The spectacularNicole and Papa ads for Renault Clio had the British public on tenterhooks. I don’t know how many Renault Clio’s were actually sold, but that is hardly the point. Nicole was fit. As this – one of the first ads in the series – proves.

As the series went on we fell in love. With Nicole, Papa and the Clios. So much so that 23 million of us tuned in for this – the final outing. But, of course, the advertising agency just had to ruin it for us didn’t they?

Reeves and Mortimer? What the hell were they thinking? A nation mourned and Nicole ended up working for Rover. She was made redundant in 2004 and now sells ice-cream from the back of a burger van.*

*This is not true.

I feel much better now. Amazing to think I used to be in advertising really

November 10, 2009
7 Reasons David Slew Goliath (On Points)

1. Dizziness. Valuev spent the whole fight looking down at the top of Haye’s head. Haye had cleverly styled his hair with cornrows. Basically Valuez was looking at lines all night. Lines make you dizzy. Eventually it caught up with him and he wobbled all over the place in the final round.

2. Testosterone. Valuev’s levels were off the scale. This is proven by the fact that he had shaved his back before the start of the fight but by the end of the third round all his hair had grown back. It caused too much drag and meant he was unable to move around the ring as quickly as he had planned.

3. Tactics. Haye damaged his hand in the second round. This meant he didn’t throw any punches. Not throwing punches meant Valuev didn’t get hurt. Not getting hurt meant Valuev didn’t get annoyed. Not being annoyed meant Valuev didn’t have to flatten Haye. Haye won because he accidentally jabbed his opponent in the 6th round when he went to wave at someone in Row 16. It was enough.

4. It’s all in a name. Haye’s nickname is the Hayemaker. Clever. It sounds fierce. It sounds dangerous. It has ‘Champion’ written all over it. Valuev’s nickname is The Russian Bear. Everyone likes a bear. Bears are soft and cuddly. Hence the popular phrase, “Come here you big bear”.

5. Time difference. The fight was in Germany. It started at 11pm German time. This was fine for Haye. His body clock assumed it was 10pm. But Valuev’s said 2am. You only fight well at 2am after a few pints. And Valuev doesn’t drink pints.

6. Giants are nice. Valuev is a giant. Like the Jolly Green Giant. Or the Big Friendly Giant. Or, James Bond’s nemesis turned pal, Jaws. They are completely misunderstood and actually very nice people. Too nice to hit anyone. I strongly expect Valuev to go the way of Jaws and fall in love with an impossibly small lady on a spacestation.

7. It was scripted. This had Rocky IV written all over it. East versus West. Big Guy versus Little Guy. Vodka versus Caffeine-Based Hot Beverage. It was never in any doubt and shows the genius that is Sylvester Stallone was so ahead of his time.

Like Valuev, did I miss anything?

November 9, 2009