Author: 7 Reasons

7 Reasons To Leave The Party

1. Your crocodile costume has made several people laugh and has got you a lot of attention, but it turns out that you’re not at a fancy dress party.

2. It turns out that the man you took an instant dislike to earlier because he was “an unctuous pillock…wandering about like he owns the place” is your host and does, in fact, own the place.

3. The attractive young lady that you’ve been eyeing up all night and are using your wittiest conversation on turns out to be a lesbian who is making eyes at a girl on the other side of the living room when she thinks that you’re not looking.

4. The strange and deeply dull man that has been leering at you all evening has trapped you in conversation in the living room (well, an unfunny and slightly bizarre monologue, anyway). You frantically throw “rescue me” glances to your best friend who is standing alone on the other side of the room, which she ignores.

5. You are alone on one side of the living room. Your best friend has abandoned you and is engaged in conversation with a cute guy on the other side of the room. She keeps glancing over to make sure that you’ve noticed. Bitch!

6. With about an hour to go until New Year you receive a phone call from a friend inquiring as to your whereabouts. You look around at your fellow guests and it slowly dawns on you that you don’t know any of them.

7. There is a magician.

Do you have additional reasons? Share them with us in the comments section, and if you enjoyed this post share it with a friend, or a spouse.

November 8, 2009
7 Reasons That Coffee is Better Than Tea

1. Coffee doesn’t taste of tea.

2. Tea doesn’t come with nearly enough paraphernalia. A pot and a little sieve thing? Bags? Coffee comes with roasters, grinders, steamers, frothers, espresso makers and brewers; They’re all enormously expensive and very, very shiny. Brilliant!

3. You don’t have to stick your little finger out when drinking coffee which, on the evidence of this picture, is a very good thing indeed.

4. Italian is the language of coffee: Espresso, cappuccino, machiato, latte, americano; how great do they sound? English is the language of tea: with milk, without milk, with sugar, without sugar, teabag; not so impressive.

5. Gareth Hunt.

6. The Boston Tea Party. A whole nation rose up and rejected tea. Who are we to argue with that? Obviously they let themselves down by rejecting association football and the word “trousers” but they were right about the tea.

7. Coffee Rage is a known and accepted phenomenon. Does tea have a rage? No.

Do you have additional reasons? Share them with us in the comments section. And if you enjoyed reading this tell your friends, they’ll probably enjoy it too.

November 7, 2009
7 Reasons A Child Should Never Be Given The Guinness Book Of World Records

1. It’s a book. There is nothing worse than receiving a book when you are a child. Especially when the book contains stupid facts about the smallest puddle and the biggest conker found in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

2. The child will have to look happy. They will be suppressing their true feelings. Feelings of anger and pain. They are basically lying to themselves and everyone else. Their future is now one of self-harm or joining MI5.

3. Everyone else in the room will say, “Wow! That’s exciting. Tell us something amazing.” And that’s when the child finds out that conkers are unusually large in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. And then they want to kill themselves. The child. Not the conkers.

4. The child will know the giver had forgotten about them. They will know the giver had to rush into Waterstone’s. They will know the giver picked up the first thing they saw on the ‘Great Gift Ideas’ table. They will be plotting revenge for years.

5. In all likelihood the child was given the book by their great aunt. This involves kissing the great aunt to say thanks. The great aunt wears dentures and smells a bit funny. It will put the child off sex with an OAP for life. (Actually, that’s probably a good thing isn’t it?)

6. It makes the child look like a geek. When all their friends come round after school to play Thundercats, Lion-O will see the book on the shelf and laugh. Cheetara and Panthro will join in. News will get back to the school and teachers will immediately label the child as a ‘swotty’ type. Forevermore they will be overlooked for the Netball team.

7. The child will age into an adult. One day they will forget that they need to buy a present for their great nephew. Thinking back to their childhood they remember getting The Guinness Book Of World Records. They head to Waterstone’s and another generation has to go through this unnecessary torture.

This is not based on a personal experience. Okay, yes it is. I wasn’t alone, was I?

November 6, 2009
7 Reasons The 1950s Were Better Than The Present

1. Pipes. In the 1950s if you smoked a pipe, you were a stand-up fellow, a good chap, a pillar of society who drove a Morris Cowley and wore a hounds-tooth sports jacket with leather arm-patches. In the present if you smoke a pipe, you are probably embroiled in a downward spiral of addiction and degradation that will ultimately lead to you living in an alley and offering to fellate strangers in exchange for something called crack (according to television).

2. Crooners. In the 1950s there was Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby and Perry Como. Nowadays, we have someone called Michael Buble. He points a lot.

3. Prime Ministers. The Prime Ministers of the 1950s were Atlee, Churchill, Eden and Macmillan. That’s the man voted the greatest Briton of all time and three men with impressive moustaches. Now we have Gordon Brown. He has one eye and a clunking fist.

4. Writers. In the ’50s Kerouac wrote On The Road in a benzedrine-fuelled prose-frenzy on a continuous roll of paper, while Burroughs shot his wife in the head in Mexico and moved to Tangiers, using newspapers to form novels of rare brilliance with his pioneering cut-up technique. Modern writers tap away at their laptops fuelled by tea and ginger biscuits while a fat cat dozes contentedly by their side, frittering away most of their words on blogs and…Hang on, this is a rubbish argument, pretend you haven’t seen it.

5. Ladies Undergarments. In the ’50s ladies wore stockings and suspenders. Stockings and suspenders are brilliant. They are complex enough to be interesting from an engineering viewpoint but simple enough that, with practice, a man can learn to undo them easily. They are also great fun to tweak, resulting in a satisfying slapping noise when released – they’re even more fun to tweak than bra-straps. The modern equivalent to stockings and suspenders are tights. Tights are rubbish. The only excuse for ever choosing tights over stockings and suspenders is if you are a pair of bank-robbing Siamese twins.

6. Ladies Undergarments. In the ’50s bras were plain, under-wired things which gave some indication of the proportions of the protruberances contained within. Nowadays, women wear Wonderbras, which are awful things. You take an apparently spectacularly proportioned woman home, reach for her bra clasp and, having deftly unhooked it with a single-handed flourish, discover you’ve made molehills out of mountains.

7. Television. In the 1950s people on both television channels spoke with received pronunciation and wore evening dress while addressing weighty and sensible topics. These days, there are hundreds of channels full of the working classes. They sing and dance badly, there are women painted orange, men wearing horizontally striped jerseys with their tracksuit bottoms tucked into their socks, ruffians setting upon one another drunkenly, Piers Morgan. It’s rubbish.

Using the comments section is like asking if we can come out to play.

November 5, 2009
7 Reasons You Said Yes

1. You’re polite. You always have been. It would have been rude to say no to the guy who asked, “Shall I jump?”

2. You were drunk. You were saying ‘Yes’ to everything because you thought it was hilarious. It wasn’t and you woke up eight hours later in a bus stop in Croydon. Without your trousers on.

3. You’re a positive person. An optimist. Saying ‘Yes’ means you won’t have any regrets. Unless you were asked by Jeremy Clarkson if he could borrow your pimped-up Vespa 150cc.

4. You met a wise man on the bus. He said, “Say yes more.” You did. You then wrote a book about it. Your name is Danny Wallace.

5. You’re not getting any younger. Let’s be honest, offers like this aren’t going to fly in at your time of life. May as well make the most of what you can get.

6. You’re in France and you desperately need the bathroom. (Cryptic).

7. You have often dreamt of joining the mile-high club. It was just circumstance that stopped you before. Like the wrong kind of person making you the offer. Now your co-pilot is a woman.

November 4, 2009
7 Reasons Not to Upload a Facebook Profile Picture.

1. You look like this.

2. There are two photos of you in existence; one is of you paddling nude, aged two; the second is a blurred and poorly composed picture from your wedding in 1983, you are wearing maroon.

3. You are a troll who only uses Facebook to anger people in the group I Love Knitting. Your post stating that “Knitting is an inferior pastime for cack-handed simpletons who lack the dexterity and finesse required for the infinitely superior art of Crochet” has generated such fury amongst online knitters that you fear for your safety.

4. You look like this.

5. You are a besotted cat owner. No one wants to see posts on their wall that are apparently from a cat. Nobody wants to interact with a cat in a discussion forum, it makes them look a bit mad. Your friends don’t want to receive a message of condolence in response to their status update that apparently comes from Tiddles the cat. Don’t do it, madam.

6. You are a bald man with a beard. No one needs the fleeting moment of doubt that comes on first viewing a picture of a bald man with a beard. The thought “Is that picture upside-down?” followed by the closer scrutiny required to ascertain that it is not, is a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

7. You are Simon Cowell.

Go on…comment. You know you want to.

November 3, 2009
7 Reasons To Love Monday

1. It’s a fresh start. It is to the week what New Years Day is to the year. Full of hope, expectation and Great Aunties singing Auld Lang Syne.

2. Sunday was so quiet without the letterbox flicking open. Now it’s Monday and the post is arriving again. Who knows what will arrive. Unless you are in the UK. In which case everyone knows what will arrive. Sod all.

3. It’s not a day for work. Monday is spent talking about the weekend. Did Donna and Darren get it on? Did Donna and Jimmy get it on? Did Donna and Matthew get it on? Was Donna particularly horny this weekend?

4. You have the rest of the week to make it happen, so you can relax and take it easy. You can check twitter every ten minutes. You can make paper aeroplanes. You chuck paper clips at each other. You can go and find Donna.

5. The Monday sports pages are the best of the week. Full of reports and analysis. And that column from that bloke who used to play, but apparently doesn’t know anything about the game. He really is a twat isn’t he?

6. The Boomtown Rats hated Monday. Bob Geldof is almost as annoying as Bono. Every reason to disagree with him then.

7. There are a whole five nights ahead before X Factor is on again and half the nation loses the plot for a few hours. The other, more sophisticated half, go to the pub and make really long straws.

You agree right?

November 2, 2009
7 Reasons to Follow @7_Reasons on Twitter

We will tell you when we have a new post.

We will follow you and you can tell us when you have a new post.

We are technical incompetents and often send tweets from this account in error. You wouldn’t want to miss out on such gems as “Just noticed my socks are on the wrong feet. How embarrassing” or “My wife is singing at the cat again, why doesn’t he run?” would you?

You can share your ideas with us and suggest topics or features that you’d like to see.

We will not tweet incessantly about teeth-whitening or invite you to look at pictures of us without our trousers on.

We might have a Twitter competition one day.

We will not say LOL, ROFL or use punctuation-marks to make a sideways face.

Do you have additional reasons? Share them with us in the comments section. Or tweet them to us, if they are short, and you are new-fangled.

1. We will tell you when we have a new post.

2. We will follow you and you can tell us when you have a new post.

3. We are technical incompetents and often send tweets from this account in error. You wouldn’t want to miss out on such gems as “Just noticed my socks are on the wrong feet. How embarrassing” or “My wife is singing at the cat again, why doesn’t he run?” would you?

4. You can share your ideas with us and suggest topics or features that you’d like to see.

5. We will not tweet incessantly about teeth-whitening or invite you to look at pictures of us without our trousers on.

6. We might have a Twitter competition one day.

7. We will not say LOL, ROFL or use punctuation-marks to make a sideways face.

Do you have additional reasons? Share them with us in the comments section. Or tweet them to us, if they are short, and you are new-fangled.

November 1, 2009
7 Reasons Top Gun Is The Most Homoerotic Movie Ever Made

1. Maverick’s preferred choice of transport are motorbikes and MiGs. He basically likes a big engine between his legs. Or being strapped in with his hands clasped on a gearstick.

2. Kelly McGillis plays the main female lead, yet she is often seen in elevators dressed as a man. She also has a ridiculously good knowledge of planes and we don’t see her shaving her legs once.

3. The most iconic quote from the movie is, “I feel the need…the need for speed!” It’s a well known fact that men can’t be bothered with foreplay. Get in there, get the job done, make some toast, watch Match of the Day. Sorted.

4. In the volleyball scene, Goose is seen wearing a t-shirt. This is not because his skin burns easily. It’s because he’s a tease.

5. Other quotes from the film include, “Okay Mav, let’s turn and burn”, “I was invaded” and “We’re in his Jet Wash.” I have looked at the manual for the US Navy Strike Fighter Tactics Instructor program and can confirm that none of these appear in the terminology section.

6. Iceman. The Baywatch style bleached hair. The hand-on-hip poses. The snapping of teeth. The wingman called Slider. The walk straight out of Village People. He’s not leaving much to the imagination is he?

7. The soundtrack. From Playing With The Boys to Great Balls Of Fireto Heaven In Your Eyes by Loverboy. It’s like being at Elton John’s house party.

Spotted the movement of Viper’s buttocks or Cougar’s pink handcuffs? We want to hear about it.

October 31, 2009
7 Reasons That Sir Alex Ferguson Should Retire

1. It would give the other managers a chance. Seriously, he just keeps winning stuff.

2. We would get to see Manchester United playing in white. It’s a little known fact that Manchester United’s shirt is actually white, it only appears to be red when bathed in the glow from Fergie’s nose.

3. He’s won so many matches and titles. Why can’t he celebrate any better than this?

He’s a rubbish celebrator.

4. When someone retires it’s customary to present them with a watch. Fergie obviously needs one of these. Have you seen him during injury time? He clearly can’t tell the difference between nine seconds and an hour.

5. If Fergie retired then Alan Green wouldn’t prefix every comment about him on 606 with the words “I’ve got nothing against Sir Alex as a manager, but…”. That’s eleven words Alan Green wouldn’t have to say, thus bringing Alan Green eleven words closer to not speaking altogether.

6. Fergie’s talents are clearly needed at home. His postman is unfit, his milkman’s always too early or too late and his local newsagent never has the right cards.

7. If Fergie retired then giving someone the hairdryer would, once more, be a benevolent and selfless act that ladies would applaud.

Do you have additional reasons? Feel free to share them with us in the comments section below. We like comments.

October 30, 2009