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7 Reasons That Squirrels Shouldn’t Eat KitKats

Posted on September 10, 2010 in Posts | 7 comments

Yesterday, A picture of a squirrel eating a KitKat was printed in the York Press.  It struck us that squirrels eating KitKats was a bad thing.  Here are seven reasons why.

A Grey Squirrel Eating a KitKat finger in the city of York

1.  Health. As humorists, we don’t know much about the internal workings of squirrels (or about the economy of Papua New Guinea for that matter, though that is less relevant here), but we’re fairly certain that chocolate is bad for squirrels.  In fact, it could be deadly for them.

Dead KitKat Eating Squirrels In The Museum Gardens, York.  Loads of them

2.  Corpses. And parks littered with the corpses of dead KitKat-eating squirrels aren’t fun places.  In fact, they’re probably hazardous to park-goers; just try chasing a frisbee when there are many dead squirrels underfoot.  Or get a dog, they chase frisbees for you.  And probably eat squirrel corpses.  But they poo everywhere – and chase writers – and no one wants that.  Also, the park of dead squirrels would probably…

A dead KitKat eating squirrel and an upset child3.  Upset The Girl. And no one wants to upset the girl.

A fat squirrel eating a KitKat4.  Squirrel Obesity. Although grey squirrels are American, and we should expect them to be on the portly side, they will only be made fatter by the consumption of chocolate confections.  And the spectre of obese squirrels lumbering around the nations’ parks is not a desirable one.  In fact…

a child is upset by a tree that has been broken by a fat squirrel

5.  It Could Be Injurious To Flora. And this would upset the girl.  And no one wants to upset the girl (she’s not called Flora, by the way).

A Giant Squirrel Eating A Submarine near some broken ice6.  The Unknown. We just don’t know what effect eating KitKats could have on squirrels.  Partly because this is a new phenomena and there is insufficient data available to construct a meaningful hypothesis, and partly because we would rather do almost anything than conduct a scientific study.  Or maths.  Or whatever the hell it is.  Anyway, our cursory investigations have led us to conclude that eating KitKats could cause the grey squirrel to mutate into a giant submarine-eating creature that would constitute a hazard to shipping.*

A Giant Squirrel Eating A Submarine While An Upset Girl Looks On At The North Pole7.  And This Would Upset The Girl. And no one wants to upset the girl.

*Our study mostly consisted of thinking hmm, what could we photoshop into the hands of the squirrel?

**7 Reasons (.org) would like to make it clear that we do not believe that Nestle are a large, evil corporation that are attempting to achieve world domination by causing squirrels to mutate into giant submarine-eating creatures that dwell at the North Pole.***

***Do not read that with a sarcastic tone, it totally undermines the important disclaimer.

****Picture “borrowed” from York Press.  But if you check the original article, you can see that we’ve put it back exactly where we found it.

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7 Comments

  1. This is hilarious!

  2. So, it means that squirrels are also prone to obesity? Hmmm, anyway, it is also impractical to feed a mouth-watering chocolate to squirrels (KitKat). I rather eat that chocolate. To tell you, I have a pair of squirrels bought in last month and I usually give them nuts and fruits so they really look healthy and energetic.

  3. Maybe i should suggest not to feed these squirrels those chocolates so that no dead squirrels can be seen in the park that can cause to some girls be upset. it was so fun to read this article and those reasons i think is pointless. cheers!!!

  4. Personally, I really love squirrels and kitkats. Now, you give me ideas that two of my interest cannot go together. These numerous reasons are sort of funny to me but we don’t know. Maybe this one considers as paradox. :)

  5. OMFG!!!! LOL I’m dying laughing because that is my image “of the girl.” And boy, you’re right. NOBODY WANTS TO UPSET THE GIRL!!! lol

    I can’t believe I found this thanks to Google’s new image search – but WOW that’s hilarious!!!

  6. you really suck.

  7. Get your squirrel photo painted before they are too fat from eating too much kitkat :) Well if you do not own a squirrel you just get yourself painted ok?

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