Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Everyone Should Eat Marmite
In the last few weeks we have been inundated with phone calls, emails, faxes, carrier pigeons and one – entirely unrelated – message wrapped around a brick. ‘Where is he?’ they’ve been asking. ‘Is he coming back?’ ‘Is he as beautiful as his writing?’ All of this hyperbole meant that we couldn’t post on Tuesday.* (And Marc was at Knitting Club** which didn’t help either). So the only way we felt we could apologise for that faux-pas adequately was to give you what you want. Who you want. So yesterday Marc and I set off to get him. As it turned out we didn’t have to go far. He was waiting outside. In the rain. Unshaven and looking desperate. So we brought him in (me), dried him off (Marc) and knitted him a new jumper (Marc). And now we’re pleased to say he’s back in top form. And more importantly hers back on the sofa. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please raise your Marmite jars to the perrenialist of all our perennial guest writers, Mr Richard O’Hagan.
There’s no lead in to this one, no drop paragraph or anything like that. Eating Marmite is so obviously the correct thing to do:
1. Tipple. It is made from beer. Do I really need to say more than that? Marmite is the yeast that is left after beer is made (roughly speaking). Anything that is made from beer has to be good, right? In fact, do you really need another six reasons?
2. All Man. It got its makers accused of promoting homosexuality. Yes, really. Back in the early 2000s, they ran an ad campaign where a male lifeguard was seen giving the kiss of life to a male swimmer. In the week that it was first shown, the manufacturers received an angry letter from a man who accused them of promoting homosexuality. For the avoidance of doubt, Marmite will not make you a homosexual unless you were one in the first place.
3. Aesthetics. It comes in a distinctive jar. The only thing that looks like a Marmite jar is a marmite, the French cooking pot after which it is named (again, for the avoidance of doubt, Marmite isn’t French). If you are eating Marmite, no casual observer can be in any doubt as to what it is you are eating. That jar says, “I am a Marmite eater, and proud of it”.
4. Something For Everyone. They make special versions of it. As well as regular Marmite, you have been able to eat Champagne Marmite, Guinness Marmite, Marmite XO and even Marston’s Pedigree Marmite. Do you get special versions of peanut butter? Or strawberry jam? No. Further evidence of Marmite’s superiority.
5. Roasts. You can add it to gravy. If you want to give your gravy an extra kick, just add a spoonful of Marmite. Not only is this tip suitable for vegetablists (Marmite is vegetablist friendly), you try adding marmalade to gravy and see what you get.
6. Cheddar. You can add it to cheese. Ever had a raspberry jam and cheddar sandwich? Thought not. I’ll save you the trouble. It is horrible. Cheddar and Marmite, on the other hand, is a marriage made in heaven – so much so that you can now buy Marmite Cheddar.
7. Greed. My wife doesn’t like it. Thus ensuring that there is all the more for me.***
Now go forth, eat Marmite, and enrich your lives.
*Many thanks to Alex Clement-Meehan for retweeting nothing anyway. She’s obsessed.
***7 Reasons would like to apologise for the contradiction that appears in reason seven. Perhaps the title of this post should have been ‘7 Reasons Why Everyone Apart From Mrs O’Hagan Should Eat Marmite’?