7 Reasons

Tag: Weird

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Never Lick A Door Handle

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Never Lick A Door Handle

    Remember Ewan MacDougal of Furniture Fortress and Window Blinds as Christmas Presents fame? Well he’s back. And this time he’s not alone. Joining him on the 7 Reasons sofa is article co-author Nicola Winters. Oh, and a lot of Japanese girls with their tongues attached to door handles. We’ll leave Ewan and Nicola to explain why.

    ***

    There are many trends, fashions and fads that come and go (most are completely alien to me) but yet they get the whole world talking. Some trends catch on, some don’t and some simply shouldn’t! You can often predict the next big trend by looking at Japanese culture. For a long time the Japanese have been number one for innovation, number one for technology and most defiantly number one for alternative fashion. However, there is a new phenomenon sweeping Japan that I certainly hope is not a sign of things to come at home. The bizzare new fetish where girls are licking door handles! Usually I’m all for diversifying culture, but this is one innovation that I really hope does not catch on at home. Call me a hygiene freak if you must, but I certainly don’t want to find myself trapped in a room, too scared to open the door for fear that it’s been coated with some one else’s saliva. So, in an attempt to prevent this trend spreading, here are seven reasons why you should just say no to licking door knobs.

    7 Reasons Why You Should Never Lick A Door Handle

    1.  Door Handles Aren’t Always That Clean. A handle is not just an interior design accessory; their primary purpose is to be functional tools, used to open and close doors for anyone (and everyone) who wish to enter or exit. The average handle must have been touched by countless people, all with different standards of personal hygiene. In almost no time at all germs will have gathered. Do you really want to be licking these germs? What if someone else has licked this handle before you? How many germs will it be home to then? I have a really ugly friend who has glandular fever and loves Japanese trends, what if he’s licked the handle first?

    2.  It’s Just Plain Weird! How many times have you previously found yourself licking door handles? How many times have you been out and about, shopping, picking the kids up from school or walking the dog and got the urge to lick a door handle? What was that? Never? No of course you haven’t. Do you want to know why? Because it’s weird! If you had previously witnessed this type of behaviour on a street near you then you’d be the first person to call the psychiatric specialist and get them off the streets immediately! So don’t think that just because the “cool” Japanese people have started doing it, it’s suddenly stopped being weird. Because it hasn’t!

    3.  There’s Better Things To Lick. Seriously, door handles? For hundreds of years confectionery professionals have strived long and hard to manufacturer tasty, sweet, juicy and mouth-watering treats to suck on. Surely these hours have not been wasted? Surely in all this time they must have developed at least one thing you would prefer to lick than a door handle.

    4.  You Could Strain Your Back. Maybe this is a sign that I’m getting old, but surely you’d agree the act of actually bending down to participate in door knob licking is a strenuous process in itself. The risk of pulling, straining or (in more serious cases) breaking the back has to be pretty high. Even if you are just a casual licker it only takes one bad kneeling position and you could ruin your licking-things career for ever. Do you really want a door handle to be the last thing you lick? If you’re going to take the risk, there must be other things out there better licked.

    5.  You’ll Restrict Others Access. Don’t be selfish. Whilst you are indulging in a little handle love from one side of the door, there could be an extremely important person on the other side. An extremely important person trying to get to an extremely important meeting. If they have to wait until you’re done satisfying yourself, think of all the important things they could miss. Think what this could mean for the world! What if they were a diplomat that had finally come up with a plan that could lead to world peace and they missed the world peace summit because of you? Do you want that on your conscience?

    6.  You Could Get A Bump On The Head. What if said important person didn’t wait? What if their important thing was so important they just had to push through? Getting hit in the head with a door, whilst its handle is in your mouth, with your tongue wrapped around it, does not sound like a pleasant experience.

    7.  You Could Be A Fire Hazard. When I was a child, my Japanese mother was tragically killed in a fire when she could not leave a burning building because someone was taking too long to finish licking the door handle of the fire exit. It was extremely sad and left me and my six siblings homeless and living on the streets only able to survive by selling our organs on the black market. It was an horrific existence and it was all because of door handle licking.*

    So, take a moment before jumping on this bandwagon. Stop before resorting to this crazy behaviour simply to ‘fit in’. Think about this logically and ask yourself, “Do I really need to lick this door handle?” The answer, surprisingly, will almost always be ‘NO’.

    *Reason 7 is entirely a lie, but I was hoping for the sympathy vote.

  • 7 Reasons That a Dream Bath is Better Than an Actual Bath

    7 Reasons That a Dream Bath is Better Than an Actual Bath

    Hello 7 Reasons readers!  I have a confession to make.  I love baths, but it turns out that for years I’ve been bathing wrong.  I know this because this morning I had an epiphany (or should that be a baptism as I’m writing about baths).  I woke up, having dreamt that I’d had a bath, and that dream bath was better than an actual bath.  Here are seven reasons why.

    Fortunately not my bath.

    1.  It Saved Time. The major problem with taking a bath – and the reason that most people end up settling for showers – is the amount of time it takes.  It takes time to fill them up and you tend to spend a lot of time in them.  This takes a substantial chunk out of the day.  Dream baths, however, are different.  You can spend hours in a dream bath and it’ll only take seconds out of your life.  That’s time that you would have been using to sleep anyway.  It’s like being given the gift of time but there’s no wrapping paper to recycle, which saves further time.  It probably makes time.

    2.  It Was The Right Temperature.  My dream bath was the correct temperature, which is approximately halfway between “Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!” and “Gah!”  Actual baths are always intemperate and usually end up turning that initial cautious toe either red or blue.  Or brown, if the bath hasn’t been cleaned.

    3.  I Was Able To Share It.  Sharing an actual bath is seldom the dreamy, romantic pastime it is popularly portrayed as.  When sharing a dream bath though, your eyes will already be closed so you can share it with absolutely anyone.  I shared mine with my wife who was a reluctant and water-shy cat named Marmalade.  Eventually she settled down and enjoyed the bath, right up until the moment that she morphed into a roof-tile and sank without trace at the tap-end, forcing me to eat the rest of the yoghurt alone.

    4.  Finding The Soap.  In your actual bath, you’ll probably find that you spend approximately 8.4% of your time trying to find the soap that you’ve just dropped (which is not as surprising an experience as trying to find it when in prison, but it is still rather an irksome chore).  In the dream bath, however, there’s always soap, probably from Lush.  And you can bathe safe in the knowledge that it will never, ever have a pubic hair stuck to it.  Unless, of course, that’s what you dream about, in which case you’re making my dreams seem positively conventional.  And you should never sleep again.

    5.  No Interruption.  My dream bath – unlike my actual baths – wasn’t interrupted by anyone knocking on the bathroom door asking to use the toilet.  It was interrupted by a pelican asking for directions to Mr Bobble’s House of Wobbles, but I got rid of him simply by clapping my hands together and shouting “Muffins!”  He was far easier to deal with than the desperate and persistent aspiring toilet-users that blight actual baths.  Sometimes it seems that pregnant women want to pee just to spite you, and during a long bath, when you’re sharing a house with a pregnant lady, you can find yourself being spited several times.  Then that finishes and for the next eighteen years you’ll have a child that will interrupt you in the bath.  In my dream bath that did not happen.  Obviously, my sleep was interrupted by the child, but that’s a slightly different thing.  Probably.

    6.  No Cleaning.  Unlike your actual bath, you’ll never have to clean your dream bath – unless you actually dream about cleaning baths, in which case, thank you, mine was spotless when I got in and I really enjoyed the scented candles and the petals floating on the surface.  The meticulously constructed wigwam of bath-towels might have been a step too far though, but you won’t find me complaining.  Not least because I can hide in the wigwam while I’m doing so.  For other people that don’t clean baths in their sleep, the good news is you won’t have to clean the bath in your sleep.  That’s good news.

    7.  Wake Refreshed And Ready.  Nothing prepares you for your day like a dream bath because – like nothing – having a dream bath is not actually having a bath.  You will, however, wake feeling refreshed, invigorated and ready for your day; I know I did.  You’ll have to spend a large part of that day dodging mirrors and people with a sense of smell, but surely that’s a small price to pay for the amazing time saving and great start to the day.  And how close do you really want people to stand to you anyway?  With a dream bath, you can keep them at armpit’s length.  It’s all win.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit India

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit India

    Today we welcome to the 7 Reasons sofa James Cave. A man who needs little introduction… if you know him. The chances are though that you probably don’t. So let me tell you about him. He’s a man. And he’s called James. Right, over to him.

    7 Reasons To Visit India
    A local gets in the way of the archery tournament at Thaipusam Festival

    Book cheap flights to India, a land where anything goes. Here are seven weird reasons to inspire your visit:

    1.  Fortune Favours The Brave. The Thaipusam Festival takes place in temples across Tamil Nadu during the Tamil month of Thai (January/February) on the full moon. It involves devoted Hindus taking extraordinary measures – piercing body parts with alarmingly sharp objects and walking across burning coals in order to be cleansed of past misdeeds. Beating drums, bugles and chanting help to help create a frenzied atmosphere. It’s a hair raising spectacle but not for the faint hearted.

    2.  A Deadly Dining Experience. The New Lucky Restaurant, Ahmadabad, India. Death might be a part of life but now it’s a part of lunch. This eatery has gained notoriety not only for its cuisine but the 22 cement coffins dotted between the tables and chairs. The milky tea and butter buns are to die for!

    3.  Toilet Humour Required. We spend a lot of time on the toilet so why not take home some ideas for a new throne by paying a visit to The Sulabh International Toilet Museum in New Delhi. It’s a museum dedicated to the toilet where you can view a rare collection of toilets and other toilet paraphernalia dating from 2,500BC to present day.

    4.  Ghost Busting – India Style. The Indians are a superstitious lot. But who doesn’t love a good ghost story? To see thousands of real life ghouls cleansed and exorcised by witchdoctors, the ‘bhooton ka mela’ or ‘fair of the ghosts’ is held in the village of Malajpur in Madhya Pradesh in February. It’s an frantic, otherworldly event – the only one of its kind in India. Spooky.

    5.  Spice Up Your Travels. To prove that the Kama Sutra originated in India, the Khajuraho Monuments in Madya Pradesh makes for an eye opening experience. Explicit erotic art and sexual carvings abound here. What exactly were the creators thinking?

    6.  Rats Rule. Animal fanatic or a bit strange? Prove your love by paying a visit to this strange place of worship in Deshnoke, Rajastan. The Karni Mata Temple is where rats, yes rats, are worshipped as a tribute to the rat goddess, Karni Mata. Home to some 20,000 rats, they scuttle and scurry across marble floors while people eat, pray and pay their respects.

    7.  Loose Yourself In The Moment. Infamous trance parties take place on Anjuna beach, Goa between Christmas and New Year when the full moon shines. People watching is a must as such an event attracts the freakish, weird and the wonderful from all corners of the earth. Revellers loose themselves in big beats and psychedelia on this hypnotic night.

    Convinced? Flights to India go from most of the world’s major airports. Just a few hours packed into a sardine can and you could be looking at historic porn, losing yourself in a trance party or letting loose at the International Toilet Museum in New Delhi.

  • 7 Reasons That Seven Is Called Seven (probably)

    7 Reasons That Seven Is Called Seven (probably)

    Okay, people.  You can’t have failed to have noticed that David and Victoria Beckham have had a daughter and that they’ve named her Harper Seven Beckham (unless you get your news from the News of the World, in which case time stopped yesterday).  Now, we all understand why the Beckhams have named their daughter Harper; it’s because they’re aficionados that have been inspired by the American literary canon (and who amongst us wouldn’t rate Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird as a seminal work), but most people have been a bit nonplussed by their selection of the second-name Seven.  As of yet, there’s been no official word on what the fuck they were thinking how they selected their newborn’s middle moniker so, in the best traditions of 7 Reasons (.org), we’re going to flail around and speculate wildly.  Here are seven reasons that Seven is called Seven (probably).

    1.  They’re Big Fans!  Well, we had no idea and frankly we’re a little overwhelmed and very flattered.  You see, we have a number of American readers, though we know very little about them, we just know that we are read regularly in America.  So, it’s possible that David and Victoria love our website and have named their daughter after us.  After all, it’s easily possible that homesick Brits abroad would love to keep up with what’s going on at home and why wouldn’t the Beckhams want to know when one of the team gets stuck in a revolving door or the other one buys a new laundry bin?  There’s no reason that they wouldn’t want to know that.  None at all.  Of course they’ve named their daughter after us.

    2.  Conception.  The Beckhams are noted for naming their children for the place where they were conceived: Brooklyn was conceived in Brooklyn; Romeo was conceived in the back of an Alfa Romeo; Cruz was conceived on a cruise (spelling apparently isn’t their strong suit) and it’s easily possible that their latest child was conceived in hotel room number 7 somewhere, or (in a variation on the theme) at seven o’clock, or while watching Channel 7 (Australia).  Or perhaps she was conceived near the River Severn.  Whatever it is, it could be about the conception.

    3.  Dwarves.  I know a bit about newborn babies – being the curator of one myself – and one of the most striking things about them is that they are tiny.  Really, really little.  Perhaps, as the Beckhams held their wee bundle in their arms, they looked at her and thought isn’t she small?   Let’s call her Small.  No, we can’t call her small, that would be silly.  People will make fun.  We’re going to have to take a more sophisticated approach than that.  Let’s be clever.  Let’s take the concept of small and be a little more oblique.  What else is small?  Dwarves!  Let’s call her Sleepy!  Or Dopey!  No, we can’t call her that; it spoils a potential nickname.  Let’s be a tad circumlocutory when we reference the dwarves.  Got it!   We’ll call her Seven.

    4.  Keeping Track.  In the manner of farmers painting numbers on the sides of their cows (which is essentially a rural version of tagging perpetrated by ruddy-faced tweed-wearers in fields), it’s quite important to keep track of your herd.  With the addition of Harper Seven Beckham, there will now be six members of the Beckham household.  But thumbs are complex things, and when you’re counting to seven, it’s easy to make a mistake, right?  After all, thumbs are only half the size of your fingers.  Who wouldn’t find that confusing?  Oh yes.  Them.

    5.  Seinfeld.  Okay, so maybe the Beckhams aren’t fans of our site:  That would explain why the limited edition diamond encrusted version of our Blowers t-shirt remains unsold.  But perhaps they are fans of Seinfeld.  After all, George Costanza’s ideal name for a boy (or a girl) was Seven.  Obviously, Jerry objected, but as he was the least funny thing in his own sitcom so it’s possible that the Beckhams ignored him.  We have too.  George is right.

    6.  Numerology.  In 2011, the number seven is tremendously significant.  We’ve done actual research and have discovered that, for numerologists, the number seven represents all manner of important stuff that we sort of skim-read.  To our untrained eyes, it might appear somewhat similar to every other number and year, but to experts (and who’s to say that the latest celebrity craze isn’t Scientology or Kabbalah and that Posh and Becks aren’t, in fact, Grand High Poobahs of Numerology or Akelas or something ), it’s probably quite meaningful and important.  And interesting.  And had we looked at it closely, it might have seemed profound.

    7.  It’s Not The Worst Name They Could Think Of.  I learned today of a worse baby name than Seven: also worse than Superman; and worse than Adolf.  I discovered that a baby at my son’s baby group is called…Ian.  That’s right, a baby called Ian.  The boy Ian.  Ian the baby.  A name that’s only appropriate for a man in his 50s (or Ian Bell) has been given to tiny child.  What sort of monster would name their child Ian?  Never mind speculating about the name Seven, that’s a question we all need an answer to.

    *The 7 Reasons team would like to congratulate the Beckhams on the occasion of the birth of their daughter, Harper Seven Beckham.  Though we may have derived some humour from their choice of name (we are humourists, after all), we have nothing but admiration for their conduct as parents which, in an age where parenting skills often seem to be lacking amongst such a large section of the population, are an exemplary example to us all.  Congratulations!  But Seven?  Really?

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: How You Found Us Part 3

    Russian Roulette Sunday: How You Found Us Part 3

    In this non-too regular, but popular, feature we take a look at some of the phrases that have led people to our site. Sometimes the phrases are pleasing, most of the time they are worrying, occasionally they’re disturbing. Above all though, they are entertaining. And, more importantly, they serve as a reminder that we are actually normal.

    1. Phrases you used to find us that we found flattering:

    Men

    2. Phrases you used to find us that we found less flattering:

    Physical embodiment of evil

    Strange men at bus stops

    Ginger moustache

    How do I tell him I want to split up?

    Weird looking penis head

    3. Phrases you used to find us that we’re sorry we couldn’t help with:

    Three reasons Herbert Hoover was bad

    Reasons to have a bad week

    Dating is like musical chairs

    In how many schools in the world do they do detention?

    Three reasons you should get a kiss

    Different lampshades

    How do you tell if you’re going to have a hairy body?

    How do I iron a shirt?

    4. Phrases you used to find us that we don’t know anything about and nor do we want to:

    Hairy chested sex

    Boyfriend left me feeling really horny

    Nachos in bed

    Did Margaret Thatcher like minors?

    5. Phrases you used to find us that are just plain wrong:

    Hitler

    Is is wrong to kiss a stranger’s cleavage?

    Cross-eye sex

    Women who look like horses

    Why won’t my parents let me sleep with a pig?

    Six Reasons

    6. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for and that we can’t help with:

    Dragons with split tongues that are alive

    Reflexão sobre a vida

    Three reasons why recycling is bad

    Reasons to jump long

    Muscle makes a face

    7. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for but that we were able to help with:

    Richard O’Hagan Facebook – He is.

    Jonathan Lee Jehovah Witness – I’m not.

  • 7 Reasons That James Blunt Must Be Stopped

    7 Reasons That James Blunt Must Be Stopped

    You may agree with Dave Cameron; you may follow Nick Thing; you may be a supporter of Mad Elliband; you may be a devotee of that Scottish man with a name like a fish. It doesn’t matter, because there’s one cause that everyone must unite behind:  Stopping James Blunt.  And be in no doubt whatsoever, James Blunt must be stopped.  Here are seven reasons why.

    It's James Blunt. On a bus!

    1.  Ubiquity.  He’s bloody everywhere.  On everything.  I can’t turn on my television or my radio at the moment without James Blunt being on it.  I can’t visit websites – though I’m aware I’m now partially responsible for this – or open newspapers (yes, newspapers, those paper things from the past that existed before this screen in front of you with these words on.  He’s in them too) without seeing or hearing him.  James Blunt has – in the last fortnight – achieved total, absolute, all-permeating multi-platform media omnipresence.  He’s in a magazine somewhere near me right now.  And near you.  In fact he’s in all of the magazines.  Everywhere.  All over the place.  Being James Blunt.

    2.  He’s Becoming Weirder.  Remember when Tom Cruise seemed normal?  No?  Well some of us have long memories and he did once.  Before he split up with Penelope Cruz; before he started jumping up and down on Oprah’s sofa; before he began espousing odd birthing techniques, Tom Cruise didn’t seem all that weird.  But he does now.  And the same thing is happening to James Blunt.  He used to look and seem relatively at one with the world, but the more I see him, and the more I see him respond to external stimuli (interviews, conversation etc) by grinning inanely and then grinning inanely some more, the more he reminds me of Tom Cruise.  Which is the slippery slope to weirdness.

    3.  His Hair.  Have you seen his hair?  I’m about to skirt the accepted boundaries of heterosexuality right here and right now, but I don’t care; because James Blunt’s hair used to be lovely.  Absolutely fucking lovely.  A dark, lustrous, bounteous, luxuriant barnet; a follicular paragon; a mane to rival the legendary tresses of both Samson and Aniston, but have you seen it recently?  When he appeared on Have I Got News For You (and Never Mind The Buzzcocks and Daybreak and The One Show and BBC Breakfast and T4 and Something For The Weekend and London Tonight and The Graham Norton Show) it looked like he’d painted a brillo pad orange and stuck it down to his head.  I don’t know how this is happening to his hair or why it’s happening; but what if it’s catching?  What if it happens to my hair?!  Or yours?

    A montage of James Blunt and his hair, including his ginger appearance on Have I Got News For You
    Seriously. What has happened here and is it contagious?

    4.  The Bath.  And then last night it all became even stranger.  Because, when I was listening to a politics programme on BBC Radio 5Live in the bath (on a rare occasion that it wasn’t full of champagne and dancing girls), they announced that they were about to interview James Blunt.  Oh God, I thought.  I’m trapped.  I’ve just put on my facial mud (for MEN) and now I’m going to be stuck in the bath for twenty minutes listening to James Blunt…again.  And I was.  And I couldn’t even put my head under the water to cover my ears or to drown myself because of the mud.  So I had to listen.  And listen I did.  I listened to James Blunt recount the time that he disobeyed orders from his commanders in Kosovo and didn’t attack the Russians, thus averting a massive East-West conflict.  That’s right, James Blunt saved us from World War III.  And while, at the bottom of my heart, I knew that not having a third world war was probably a good and desirable thing, I couldn’t help thinking that if we’d had a third world war, James Blunt would never have been allowed to leave the army and we’d never have had to listen to his music, and he wouldn’t be bloody everywhere; all over the place; even in my bath.

    5.  The Song.  And sure enough, as I lay there unable to escape from James Blunt: Saviour of the World, they played the song.  The same song that I’ve heard everywhere, every time that James Blunt has appeared over the last fortnight: You’re Beautiful.  The one James Blunt song that I know, apparently the one James Blunt song that everyone knows.  There are others, sure, but can you name them?  No, and I can’t either.  I, a musical man with an enviable collection of music; a man for whom music has been a passion for his entire life.  A man who owns all four Electrelane studio albums, and has most of the Os Mutantes albums on original vinyl.  I can’t name more than one James Blunt song and neither can anyone else except his fans, and even they can’t do it with any certainty.  And having heard it sodding everywhere for the past fortnight (even the Sesame Street version) it came as a blessed relief later on, to turn the television, the computer and the radio off knowing that I would escape from it.  And then my wife started humming the bloody thing (having presumably absorbed it through some sort of osmosis) and, while I couldn’t help but agree with her sentiments, it was still the same damned song…again.  But off key.

    6.  Then There’s His Name.  James Blunt’s name is James Blunt.  That’s right: James Blunt.  And you might think to a humourist, that it would offer all manner of potential, but it doesn’t.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  Because it rhymes with the one word in the English language that you can never, ever use without losing the sympathy of your reader.  If he were called James Bluck, James Block, James Blank, James Blick, James Blit, James Bliss, James Blits, or James Brance I might conceivably be able to make fun of him in rhyme.  But I can’t.  Because his name is Blunt.  And do know what’s really annoying about it?  It isn’t even his real name.  He changed it.  His original name is Blount:  Pronounced Blunt.

    7.  And This Is The Worst Part.  He seems like a nice guy.  A man who, despite being everywhere with his one song irritating the hell out of you, me and all those other people standing about and clogging the pavements, actually seems to have substance.  A man who has a mind of his own and is no mere vacuous, avaricious, chancer like many contemporary popular musicians.  A man who has served his country in combat and has come out of the experience intact and has forged a successful post-army life for himself; sadly in contrast to many ex-servicemen who often don’t get the support that they deserve and that we owe them.  A man who goes back and performs concerts for the troops and is a vociferous advocate of, and fundraiser for, Médecins Sans Frontières.  And that makes criticism of him hard.  And it probably makes me look like a bit of a count.  But please, for the love of god, James.  Stop.  Enough.  We all know we’re beautiful and we need a break now.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: How You Found Us: Part 2

    Russian Roulette Sunday: How You Found Us: Part 2

    Hello!  It’s Sunday again and here’s part two in an occasional series that takes you behind the scenes of 7 Reasons.  How You Found Us gives you, the reader, a glimpse into something usually only seen by us, the people who know the password, into the ways that this website has been discovered.  This time, we’ve split them into categories.  Seven categories (it felt weird experimenting with the number ten last week).  Enjoy.  And try not to have nightmares.

    1.  Phrases you used to find us that we found flattering:

    funny website

    VIRILE MEN

    good humour

    Epic Moustache

    I lust you

    Extra large penis

    lotharios

    2.  Phrases you used to find us that we found less flattering:

    scary man

    FAIL

    I dont care

    funny faced people

    KNOB END

    you dirty mind

    the scariest mask in the world

    3.  Phrases you used to find us that we’re sorry we couldn’t help with:

    cooking frozen sausages

    What time is Blue Peter on

    where do women urinate from?

    what to do with lemons

    who is the most beautiful naked woman in the world?

    are oranges gay?

    how to wear socks

    4.  Phrases you used to find us that we don’t know anything about and nor do we want to:

    horse sex tube

    The Pope naked

    PIRAHNA PORN

    Margaret Thatcher mask

    sex with house

    Naked Pocahontas

    pictures of socks

    5.  Phrases you used to find us that are just plain wrong:

    Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a foot

    reasons for Piers Morgan

    the queen paints front door

    The Daily Mail

    6.  Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for and that we can’t help with:

    pin the sperm on the egg

    naked hunting

    syphilis fruit

    dead squirrels

    mermaid found in Haiti

    7.  Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for but that we were able to help with:

    the network is down  (easy one, our website is hosted by Fasthosts)

    Ryan Giggs hiding cupboard (we don’t know why a friend of ours googled this but we do know who she is so we made her one).

    the stylish and functional Ryan Giggs hiding cupboard. Also available in black.7 Reasons will return tomorrow.  With reasons and stuff.

  • 7 Reasons Whitstable Is A Bit Strange

    7 Reasons Whitstable Is A Bit Strange



    7 Reasons Whitstable Is A Bit Strange

    I don’t know. Maybe I caught the place on a bad day, but my goodness, there are some strange people there. I mean really, really strange.

    1.  The Conversations. “Have you heard from your friends in Iceland?” “Oh, well not since the last time.”

    2.  The Stall Owners. “Would you like a picnic?” As chat-up lines go, this is quite forward. No introductions. Just straight in there, “Would you like a picnic?” I replied no, at which point the stall owner said, “Peppermint! Why did I say picnic?” She then stared at me. For far too long.

    3.  The Fish & Chip Shop Queue. Apparently, Whitstable adheres to the philosophy that states, ‘if you see a queue, get in it’. That would explain why I spent ten minutes standing behind two people who had absolutely no intention of buying fish. Or chips. Or even one of those small wooden forks. Idiots.

    4.  The Weird Family. A mother who screams when attacked by fake wasps and chucks drink down her top. A son who runs slower than he walks. Another son who gets in a strop and starts throwing stones towards his family. A father who sits down and bends the wooden bench. A youngest son who keeps going on about seeing a King Charles Spaniel. And when I say he keeps going on about it, I mean on and on and on and on. And on. Just shut up already! It’s a dog. Not a bloody Tyrannosaurus Rex.

    5.  The Dogs. There are millions of them. And not a single one gave me a whiff out of courtesy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I wanted a dog to give me a whiff, it’s just that they usually do. As a rule, dogs do not like me. And because of this rule they usually attack me. What is wrong with Whitstable’s dogs?

    6.  The Mens. I don’t want to spoil anyone’s breakfast here, but Whitstable, it would appear, has the worst designed urinal in the world. And yes, urinal. Singular. Just one. Hidden round the corner from the entrance. That of course means any unsuspecting visitor would automatically assume there were a whole raft of urinals inside. And so in they wander. Only to be confronted by an old fella being held by an old fella.

    7.  The Holiday-Makers. You know when Daniel Craig walked out of the water in Casino Royale and 65% of the female population went a bit weak at the knees? Well, every single holiday-maker in Whitstable seems to think they are Daniel Craig. And as a result I felt weak in the stomach.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons You Found Us

    Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons You Found Us

    Visitors mean a lot to websites.  Visitors are their oxygen. We are no different. At 7 Reasons we like to breath. And we’re not doing too badly on that account, thanks for asking. In the past seven days thousands of people have popped by, either because they are regular visitors or because they have typed something into Google and 7 Reasons has appeared in the search results. All are welcome. Well, nearly all. We’d be lying if we said 7 Reasons hadn’t opened our eyes to the amount of weirdoes that own a computer. There aren’t many, but there are enough. 50% of whom really need to be recaptured very soon. So, in the last seven days, here are the most random, mind-boggling and disturbing phrases people have searched for. And if you want to know where they turned up, just click on the link. Oddly, I don’t think it was quite what they were looking for because no one left a comment or used the rating system.

    1.  “Meeting Arrive Sweat Enter Room Embarrassing Business” – 7 Reasons To Become An Artist

    2.  “James Martin Chef Nude Picture” – 7 Reasons To Cycle Naked

    3.  “Australian Open 2010 Spectator Excrement” – 7 Reasons To Hate Pigeons

    4.  “MP Moustache Deep Diving” – 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

    5.  “Break Wind Sideways Male Female” – 7 Reasons To Be A Bond Villain

    6.  “Penis White Peeling” – 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

    7.  “How Many Pasty Shops In Bolton?” – Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Love Bolton

    We don’t know why people searched for any of these things, but as we feel a duty of care towards all of our readers, here is some advice.

    1.  Seek medical help.

    2.  Seek psychiatric help.

    3.  Seek medical help.

    4.  Resign from your job at the brothel, madam.  There are some things that no one should have to do.

    5.  Seek medical help.

    6.  Seek medical help urgently.

    7.  Just go out and count them Brad.

    We take the problems of our readers seriously.  If anyone needs any advice, on anything, feel free to ask us using the comments section.