It’s been almost five months since we last took a look at the phrases you used to find our website, which means it must be time to do it again. And once they are some of the strangest, weirdest and disturbing phrases as you are likely to find anywhere on the inter-web.
1. Phrases you used to find us that we found flattering:
British
Boys are better than girls
Funny Asterix comments
2. Phrases you used to find us that we found less flattering:
Syphilis designers
Fernando is faster than you
Talked nonsense
Cheryl Cole
3. Phrases you used to find us that we’re sorry we couldn’t help with:
Bear roulette
Bikini clad women with hose pipes
Relieve air travel butt pain
4. Phrases you used to find us that we don’t know anything about and nor do we want to:
Ten reasons
Where is CCTV
jewel house guarded 24 hours
5. Phrases you used to find us that are just plain wrong:
Naked chef calendar
Sweater kittens
Noki c2-03
Why did the French not invade England
Piers Morgan hair
Moobs
6. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for and that we can’t help with:
Minefields on the way to Seven Sisters
Carbonated water burps
When I look at things I go cross-eyed
Yupik kiss
Martin Sheen can’t swim
7. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for but that we were able to help with:
It’s Sunday today, so we’ve taken our traditional day away from the reasoning-mine and, as they are often wont to do, our thoughts have turned to food. Now, some time back we brought you what we considered to be the ultimate SPAM recipe – Planked SPAM – but now we’ve unearthed something that has easily trumped Planked SPAM and knocked it into a cocked hat. Whatever that means. Brace yourself! It’s…
Yes, it’s SPAM ‘n’ Beans which is, apparently, exactly right for Saturday night (which is rather a shame as I took my wife for cocktails and to a really good concert in Northern Europe’s largest Gothic Cathedral last night (if only I’d seen this first)). It seems delightfully simple to cook, consisting as it does of two ingredients; SPAM and baked beans. Simply place slices of SPAM in baked beans and cook them on the hob, then serve in some sort of dirty brown pot with congealed sauce oozing over the side. Who wouldn’t be overjoyed to be served this? It seems that the simplest recipes are often the most delicious.*
*Sadly I’m the member of the 7 Reasons team that doesn’t eat meat and – as SPAM is a distant relative of meat – I can’t try it myself. Any readers care to give it a go?**
**7 Reasons will be back tomorrow, without any tummy trouble whatsoever.
When you look at the above, what do you think? I’ll tell you what I think. I think I’d like that on my wall as a poster. In a frame. A wooden frame. What a great talking point it would be. And an even better way of getting people you don’t really want in your house out of it. I am sure you feel the same. And, because we feel the same, Marc and I have done something to accommodate our needs.
Launching this week – after seven days, four hours and eleven minutes (approximately) of planning – is the 7 Reasons store. That’s right, a whole store dedicated to selling 7 Reasons branded goods. How marvelous. So whether it’s a t-shirt or a postcard or a… erm… another t-shirt, this is the place for you.
Now, because we are nice and because we want to see someone walk around Brixton in a 7 Reasons tank top, we are offering you the chance to get 15% off your first order. All you have to do is send an email to [email protected] before 11:59pm tomorrow – (that’s 11:59pm on Monday 4th April 2011 for the easily confused among you). In return we’ll send you your coupon code which you can use at the checkout. Make sure you are following us on Twitter or Facebook to find out when the store opens. The links are up there. On your right.
Okay, that’s enough for today. Someone wise once said too much excitement on a Sunday was bad for the heart. And they were right. See you in store soon.
In this non-too regular, but popular, feature we take a look at some of the phrases that have led people to our site. Sometimes the phrases are pleasing, most of the time they are worrying, occasionally they’re disturbing. Above all though, they are entertaining. And, more importantly, they serve as a reminder that we are actually normal.
1. Phrases you used to find us that we found flattering:
Men
2. Phrases you used to find us that we found less flattering:
Physical embodiment of evil
Strange men at bus stops
Ginger moustache
How do I tell him I want to split up?
Weird looking penis head
3. Phrases you used to find us that we’re sorry we couldn’t help with:
Three reasons Herbert Hoover was bad
Reasons to have a bad week
Dating is like musical chairs
In how many schools in the world do they do detention?
Three reasons you should get a kiss
Different lampshades
How do you tell if you’re going to have a hairy body?
How do I iron a shirt?
4. Phrases you used to find us that we don’t know anything about and nor do we want to:
Hairy chested sex
Boyfriend left me feeling really horny
Nachos in bed
Did Margaret Thatcher like minors?
5. Phrases you used to find us that are just plain wrong:
Hitler
Is is wrong to kiss a stranger’s cleavage?
Cross-eye sex
Women who look like horses
Why won’t my parents let me sleep with a pig?
Six Reasons
6. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for and that we can’t help with:
Dragons with split tongues that are alive
Reflexão sobre a vida
Three reasons why recycling is bad
Reasons to jump long
Muscle makes a face
7. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for but that we were able to help with:
It’s almost as if every other day of the week leads up to this. Sunday! But enough of that, let’s get to business, you have wrapping to do. The second most important thing this week concerns the ongoing Wikileaks shebang. Here at 7 Reasons we are nervous about it. Many emails are exchanged between us. Dozens a week. Some even make sense. They are our life-blood. Amongst our messages of affection and frustration lie bits of creative genius and ideas that spark beauty. Of these we are proud and smug. But there are also moments when one of us embarrasses ourselves. Or one of us says something that could come back to bite us in the undergarment area. These messages have been hidden deep in the 7 Reason vault. Never to be seen by anyone outside of our cult. But what happens if we’ve missed something? What happens if Marc has left the code showing on the padlock? What if Jon has put the wrong box in the vault? The unseen 7 Reasons files could be in the shed! What happens if Wikileaks has sent someone round to the shed? We are going to be exposed! And we don’t like being exposed. Especially the York based half of us. The only way we can counteract any embarrassment Wikileaks could cause ourselves, our family and our friends is a show of the utmost alpha-male. We are going to share the embarrassing bits of 7 Reasons with you ourselves. Now. Ha! Take that Wikileaks!
This isn’t an actual conversation that took place of course. Just some of the things we said in a variety of messages. We don’t want you thinking we are wierd or anything. Because we’re not. Not one of us. Zilch.
Jon: I’m a prick. Not a massive one, but enough of one. The good news is, I have remembered how to use it.
Marc: Do you need a tissue?
Jon: I am surpsied you have to ask.
Marc: Hang on. I just sat on a lemon. I’ll be back in ten minutes.
Jon: I just sat on a cat. I’ll be back when I’ve won my case.
Marc: You can never win. I just gave my wife a Hitler salute. She headbutted me in pelvis. It’s unfair when she uses the ladder.
Jon: I have always thought Steps were vastly underrated. Especially the short one.
Marc: It would be silly to keep talking about it. We know he’s a cock.
Jon: Fair enough, we shall wash our hands of it.
Marc: Will do. I’m going for a bath.
Jon: This is a potentially dangerous situation. I live near someone who uses Lidl.
Marc: I’m not sure that’s the issue.
Jon: We’ll blame the French.
Marc: I’m glad we thought it was a good idea. Shame no one else did.
Jon: We’ll probably reep the rewards in the months to come.
Marc: That’s the SEO working. I have done lots of work on the back-end.
Jon: Does your wife know?
Marc: I woke her up celebrating. She looked angry.
Jon: I think that’s more unlucky than anything. We know we what we are trying to do and, for the most part, we are doing it.
Marc: I completely agree with everything you’ve said. Do we have any ideas for Sunday?
Jon: I’m going for a run.
Marc: I always meet a cow.
Jon: That’s one more we can add to the 7 Reasons posse.
Marc: It’s very annoying when you do that, especially given the countless hours of hard work I have put in. Stop it!
Jon: I’ll do it this weekend then.
Marc: I’ll be in a field drinking beer and shan’t have access to the internet.
Jon: Well done.
Marc: Thanks.
So there you have it. Straight from us. Wikileaks can never make us look stupid and you undoubtedly have newfound respect for us. For this we thank you.
*Marc: This isn’t a leak.**
**Jon: What is it then?***
***Marc: It’s a leek.****
****Jon: You say potato, I say tomato. Same thing.*****
If you are a proper England cricket supporter, you will have no doubt found yourself assisting your country in their times of need. If they need a wicket, there is nothing quite like disappearing from the room for five minutes to make a cup of tea or visit the bathroom or just sit on the stairs. Whenever England take a wicket, it is very rare that the bowler should be congratulated. One of us should. The one who had the gumption to leave the room and go a make a sock drawer. And we have a similar approach to batting. In England’s hour of need, when they really could do without losing another wicket before lunch, it is down to us to make sure they don’t. This is generally accomplished by remaining motionless on the sofa. Or standing on one leg. Or thumping your thigh to the rhythm of Cilla Black’s Anyone Who Had A Heart. If the stumps are demolished, you can be sure it’s because some twat, somewhere made him/herself more comfortable between overs.
Here at 7 Reasons, despite what you may think, we are not infallible. Sometimes, this really is a tough job. Much tougher than working out upon which strip Mitchell Johnson is next going to pitch the ball. This week was a turgid one. In fact, it was as tough a week as we have ever experience. For the majority of it we were completely devoid of inspiration. Hence the fact that on Tuesday Marc wrote about writers block, on Wednesday we had a guest post and on Friday we both advised you not to ride a crocodile. It was only when I was attempting to get England that vital breakthrough on Friday morning by walking around the coffee table backwards, that I realised 7 Reasons could do with some assistance from our supporters. So this post is aimed at all four of you. But don’t think we’re being selfish. This is not a question of you giving up your time just to make 7 Reasons better, you actually get a choice. With that in mind, we have devised six positions we would like you to adopt depending on what you want out of 7 Reasons. All we ask is that you perform one of these positions at around about 8.45am each day. That’s generally the time Marc and I realise there is no way we are going to meet the 9am deadline. We are sure, with your help, we’ll never be devoid of inspiration again. Thank you.
Ever wanted to know who writes what and when here at 7 Reasons? No, neither did I. But I didn’t want to go to school either and I did that. So here are the stats behind 7 Reasons. And they are all accurate, except where I have made them up.
Wednesday 27th October 2010 marks the first birthday of 7 Reasons. In the past year we have written approximately 2,000 reasons. Which, thinking about it, is 1,993 more than we should have done. We have also had countless guest writers and hundreds upon hundreds of comments. Some good, mostly anti-Jon. All in all, it’s been pretty good. Hopefully year two will be even better. Maybe a book? Maybe a panel show? Maybe we’ll finally appear in Esquire? Who knows. But that’s the future. Today, I want to concentrate on what we’ve achieved.
Right, now that’s done, we can move on. Oh, but before we do, can we just say thank you to everyone who has read 7 Reasons over the last year. And give an even bigger thank you to those who have commented on and/or shared 7 Reasons posts. And then there needs to be an even bigger thank you to all those who have written for us. Saturdays wouldn’t be the same without you. Now let’s hug. Okay, that’s long enough. Someone’s lemon is pressing into my thigh.
It’s Sunday! But it’s not just any Sunday, it’s 10/10/10. And, because at 7 Reasons we’re really quite cool – despite all the tea-drinking and war-buffery – we’ve posted today’s piece at ten past ten. So, at the very moment that this post goes live it is 10/10/10 10:10. And that causes us a bit of a problem. Because we only know about the number 7: We know lots about the number seven, and we know cock-all about the number ten. But we’ve done some research, and here are five things about the number ten. Because it’s 10/10/10 10:10 (which is five of them). I’m sure you get that.
Look! Some Tens.
1. Binary. 10, as a binary number, means 2. The binary way if displaying 10 is 1010. Therefore…er…we really don’t understand binary. And it doesn’t contain the number seven. You can only understand binary if you wear spectacles.
2. Virgins. Virgins, according to the bible, come in tens (Matthew 25:1-13); half of them foolish, half of them wise. We did not learn this by googling “virgins”, by the way. Mary was also a virgin in the bible, making a total of 11, which is also a binary number. In Procul Harem’s Whiter Shade of Pale, there are sixteen virgins. Though I appear to have become become completely sidetracked from the number ten, which is what we’re supposed to be celebrating.
3. Lobsters. Lobsters have ten legs. As do all crustaceans, apparently. Which makes them two better than spiders, and eight better than Piers Morgan.
4. Italian. The number ten in Italian is dieci. The Italian for leader is duce (a phrase which is usually associated with Mussolini. They sound quite similar to the untrained ear. I once left my wife seated outside a café in Milano to finish her coffee and settle the bill while I bought a newspaper. Several minutes later, I returned to find an agitated-looking wife still seated at the table. “I thought you were going to pay the bill”, I said. “The waitress came out and kept saying, “Duce, Duce” when I asked her how much we owed. I gave her a ten euro note and she hasn’t come back with the change yet”, my shocked-looking wife replied. Fortunately we were able to avoid an international incident.
5. Harry Potter. The tenth highest grossing film of all time is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Which is abjectly depressing. And it’s not even the highest-grossing Harry Potter film. It does, however, go to demonstrate that money isn’t everything. And it goes to show that the number ten just isn’t as good as the number seven, so we were right all along.
Normal service – involving a proper number – will resume tomorrow. But not at seven past seven.
Hello, it’s a Jon week. In terms of Russian Roulette Sunday anyway. In terms of general living, every week is a Jon week. If it wasn’t I’d be dead or something. And no one wants that. Especially Marc. All the reasons and all the lemons would drive him insane. So, anyway, back to today. If you were with us in January, you may remember we took a look at some of the words Marc and I have exchanged with each other in the making of 7 Reasons. Have a read here if you were washing your hair that day. Not only was it funny, it was very easy to write. Which is basically our ideal kind of post. So we’ve decided to do it again. Right here. Right now. Enjoy.
“I think it’s fairly obvious, I’m a spaceman.”
“I haven’t done the same, that would be lazy and unhelpful.”
“I am now hungover and not writing furiously about lemons.”
“I may have something sensible to say later.”
“I think camp bingo is like gay bingo. But in a field.”
“Ouch.”
“It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.”
“Canasta.”
“Well done on the lemons.”
“7 Reasons Guy Fawkes Should Have Been Called Lady Spoons?”
“I’d like to point out that a man in Russia found your socks and sandals piece yesterday.”
“If I take the name of York’s most famous son (his birthplace is a four minute walk from here) in vain, an angry mob will probably form outside my door.”
“I shall have an Alka-Seltzer and some lemon juice.”
“That’s £22.50 each per month that we’re not making now. That’s progress.”
“In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have put it straight in. That’s ovens for you though.”
“I’m back! Did you miss me?”
“Would you be totally insulted if I said I didn’t?”
“I was writing about dough balls. It does happen occasionally.”
“The only thing I liked about it was the end. A bit like when my parents used to listen to the Archers at dinner.”
“How about a cat hoverboard?”
“Oh, and Esquire magazine bought David Baddiel lunch today. Have they said anything about buying us lunch?”
“Excuse me a minute, I have a Jehovah Witness shaped problem.”
“I’m not sure it’s totally necessary, but it looks pretty. A bit like Kate Moss.”
“Let me know if you need a lemon.”
“Nice lemon on the sofa. Very funny.”
“Marc. Spiffing. Jon.”
“I have added my thoughts in curly lines that look like sperm.”
“I’ve never liked the French.”
“I tried to write a piece about beards once.”
“I’m like the world’s slowest genius.”
“We are like the tortoise and the tortoise.”
“Something went wrong. I think I shut it too tightly.”
“Photoshopping top trumps cards is more time consuming than I imagined.”
“I’m off to visit the shed.”
“I’m off to the greenhouse of neurosis.”
“I’ve tried shouting at it and that isn’t working.”
“A boy just fell off his bike. I’m laughing. Shall I go and pick him up?”
“That’s like liking Hitler more than Atilla The Hun and New Kids On The Block.”
“Ken, when in doubt, pretend to be a grown-up. It never fails.”
“I don’t have an issue with it. It’s probably the sadist in me. Or the beer.”
“I don’t think you’ve said Zara enough.”
“I hadn’t forgotten that you’re going to Rome, as in my mind it’s a tiramisu-related-event.”
It’s been almost five months since we last took a look at the phrases you used to find our website, which means it must be time to do it again. And once they are some of the strangest, weirdest and disturbing phrases as you are likely to find anywhere on the inter-web.
