7 Reasons

Tag: respect

  • 7 Reasons We Were Unlucky To Miss Out On A Scout Birthday Badge

    7 Reasons We Were Unlucky To Miss Out On A Scout Birthday Badge

    Yesterday the Scouts celebrated their 104th birthday. Quite an accomplishment from an association that has a maximum age limit of 25. As part of the celebrations they handed out big birthday badges to a number of celebrities. Celebrities who have – apparently – inspired youngsters. For example, James May received the ‘navigation’ badge for driving all over the country using his sat-nav. And Stephen Fry earned himself the ‘IT’ badge for being on Twitter. Worthy winners I think we can all agree. In total, fourteen badges were handed to fifteen celebrities (Sue Perkins and Giles Coren had to share the ‘smallholder’ badge). However, there was an alarming omission. There was no mention of 7 Reasons. Which is a shocking oversight when you consider the number of people we have inspired in true Scout fashion. And I say true Scout fashion because of course there are seven Scout Laws:

    1. A Scout is to be trusted.
    2. A Scout is loyal.
    3. A Scout is friendly and considerate.
    4. A Scout belongs to the worldwide family of Scouts.
    5. A Scout has courage in all difficulties.
    6. A Scout makes good use of time and is careful of possessions and property.
    7. A Scout has self-respect and respect for others.

    This then, is why we should have been rewarded:

    7 Reasons We Were Unlucky To Miss Out On A Scout Birthday Badge

    1.  Trust. Ask yourselves a question. Ideally this one. Can you trust 7 Reasons? Of course you can. When we highlighted the dangers of a dating a polar bear or riding a crocodile, were we telling the truth? Yes. When we told you not to hold a conversation in the men’s toilets or not to dream about Andy Murray’s mother, was this sound advice? Yes. It strikes us that when it comes to honesty, we lead the way every single day.

    2.  Loyalty. We are fiercely proud of our roots. Our British roots. Which is why we uphold all that is good about this country. It is why we dislike France and urge you to invade at your soonest convenience. It’s why… actually, that’s pretty much it really. But it’s enough. We don’t like the French. And this isn’t because we’re xenophobic (at least not both of us), it’s because we are loyal to Nelson and Wellington and everyone else who had the joy of fighting the frogs. Invade the garlic-eating, beret-wearing, onions-around-their-neck-cycling, Francs today!

    3.  Friendliness And Consideration. Like I say, we love everyone.

    4.  Family. Our audience is our family. But we don’t need to tell you that. The amount of you we let sit on the 7 Reasons sofa is testament to how much we care about you. How much we cherish you. How much we love you and need you and want you. It’s why everything we do is for you. We cater for every aspect of your life. Let’s take one example. Cooking. Ignoring previous accusations that one of us once gave our housemate food poisoning, 7 Reasons has lead the way on bringing culinary delights to your home. We single-handily made SPAM fashionable again. For you. We advised you not to fall victim to the verbal row ignitor that is M&S’ ‘Dine in for £10’ deal. We told you to make a pizza. We told you never, ever, ever to host a dinner party. All wise words and all words that the majority of people immediately adhered to. So why were we overlooked I wonder?

    5.  Courage. One criticism often levied at us is that we don’t do our research. That we just write without thinking of the consequences. Nothing, it must be stressed, can be further from the truth. Each piece is painstakingly researched. Which is why we post things about wrapping up presents after the event, not before. It’s why we kayak the Pacific and then tell you not to do it. It’s why we listen to stuff by Owl City and then advise you against it. It’s why Marc goes to prison for a while and then tells you not to have sex with a penguin. All this takes a huge amount of bravery on our part and it’s a crushing blow when people just assume you wrote this while sitting on the sofa watching cricket.

    6.  Time Efficiency. One of 7 Reasons’ finest accomplishments is that we always adhere to our promise of posting on or before 9am each day. Today, for instance, I am posting well ahead of 9am EST. And on Monday Marc posted well before 9am BST. On Tuesday.

    7.  Respect. As I’ve said, we love everyone. But not quite as much as we love ourselves. And don’t for one minute think I love myself while Marc spends all day bemoaning his life. Only one of us wears the moisturiser around here and my rough, flaking, peeling skin says it isn’t me.

     

  • 7 Reasons to get your Children a Cat.

    7 Reasons to get your Children a Cat.

    1.  Cleanliness.  Cats are self-cleaning.  They fastidiously preen themselves with their Velcro-textured tongues and consequently, unlike dogs, never require bathing.  In fact, cats are much cleaner than children and therefore set a good example to them.  They also bury their own excrement so you don’t have to worry about that either.  If you’re really lucky, they’ll bury it in a neighbour’s garden.  This is probably something you shouldn’t teach your children to do.

    2.  Ninja.  Children are loud and noisy; cats are silent and alert.  You can use the cat to demonstrate silence and awareness to your children.  There is no better stealth training than attempting to sneak up on a cat.  Your children will learn to tread carefully and to watch out for the cat’s ever-alert swivelling ears.  Who knows, they may eventually become domestic-ninjas.  Like me.

    3.  Exotic.  You want a sensible, low-maintenance, low-risk animal, but your children don’t.  Children never want sensible pets.  They always want something terrifying and dangerous like a tarantula, a piranha or a crocodile.  A cat is an ideal compromise.  Cats come with a free snake.  It’s at the back.

    4.  Porn-Star-Name.  The name of your first pet is the first part of your porn-star-name so your choice of a first pet for your children is important.  Tortoises are called things like George and Simon; dogs are called things like Pip and Rover; cats, on the other hand, have cool names like Horatio or Socks.  If you need to know how important the right pet is in determining your childrens’ future porn-star-name you should ask my wife, Fred Townsend.  Or you could ask my friend whose first pet was a cat, Lucifer Jordan.

    5.  Independence.  Cats come and go as they please through a little hole in the door.  They go out to stare at the garden gate and sit under cars for reasons that we don’t understand.  The important thing though, is that they do it unaided.  Unlike dogs, there’s no endless walking and throwing sticks to distract your children from their homework.  Besides, they’ll eventually tire of walking a dog and you’ll end up doing it yourself.

    6.  Biscuits.  Cats don’t have biscuits and chocolate drops, unlike dogs.  This means that your children will have less opportunity to play pet food related practical jokes on you or unsuspecting house-guests.  They will still substitute salt for sugar and gravy granules for instant coffee, but being served dog biscuits with your cup of tea is one less thing you’ll have to worry about if you get a cat.  This is what eating a dog biscuit did to Jennifer Aniston’s face.  Poor, poor Jennifer.

    7.  Respect.  Cats are cute and cuddly, soft and furry, content and purry – until angered.  When you anger a cat it turns from a docile, supine teddy bear of an animal into a hissing, spitting, furious mass of teeth and claws.  Nothing teaches children to respect others like being bitten on the hand or losing an eye.  If they survive cat-ownership, they will be equipped for life.