Tag: PHOTOGRAPH

7 Reasons That We Shouldn’t See The Photograph

Breaking news: The world is debating whether or not to look at a photograph, and here at 7 Reasons we have an exclusive. We have got hold of the picture that you should never, ever see, and we’re going to let you, our thoroughly grown-up readers, decide whether you want to look at it. The 7 Reasons team have viewed this graphic image and it’s fair to say that we were somewhat taken aback. In fact there was gasping and a bit of vomiting. We’re going to post a link to the picture at the bottom of this post but before you go there, let us explain why you shouldn’t look at it.

1. You Don’t Need To See It. Would your life be improved immeasurably by viewing it? No. Quite the opposite, in fact. If you want to look at it, it’s only because of morbid curiosity. You don’t need to see it, and your life will not be enriched by viewing it. Trust us on this, we’ve seen it, and once you see the picture, you cannot un-see the picture. It’s like Pandora’s box except it’s not Pandora’s box, it’s a box belonging to someone else. Don’t look into the box and certainly don’t zoom in on it with your mouse. The RSPCA don’t take that sort of thing lightly. Don’t look into the box!

2. It’s Gruesome. The image is bloody horrible. It’s truly sickening to behold and it will haunt you until your dying day. If you don’t want to see something so abhorrent that you might try to poke your own eyes out with a spoon* don’t look at it.

3. There’s A ‘Hole. A big ‘hole. Where once there was life, now there’s a big gaping ‘hole in the foreground; something vacant. You really don’t need to see the ‘hole. Viewing the ‘hole is a truly hideous and traumatic experience that you can well do without. I would have been better off without ever having seen the ‘hole. You will be too. Don’t look at the ‘hole.

4. It’s Puzzling. It really is. Imagine you’re a Viking and a blue cat wearing jeggings is explaining string theory to you. It’s more confusing than that. And you don’t get to wear a beard or one of those horny hats either.** There is nothing in the world that makes less sense than this image***

5. It’s Graphic. We don’t really know the circumstances under which the photograph was taken; perhaps it was hurried, we don’t know, and frankly we don’t want to think about it any further. But there’s still a fire visible in the background and there’s flesh. Much flesh. It’s apparent that the scent of burning flesh would have been strong when this picture was taken. You don’t need to see that or even think about it. In fact, stop thinking altogether. It only leads to trouble. Don’t think and don’t look at the picture.

6. Side-Effects. We’re reasonably young and healthy here at 7 Reasons**** and we felt unwell when we saw it. So we wondered what this image could do to readers with any underlying health problems and, even though we’re not real doctors, we’ve come to a conclusion via a process of wild speculation and abject conjecture: This image could kill. And dying would be inconvenient as you’ve probably got things to do this afternoon or dinner plans. Don’t look at the picture. And don’t die.

7. Trust. Now we’ve put the link to the picture just below this paragraph and we’re going to let you decide whether to look at it or not. But, before you make that important decision, consider this. If you look at the image, you’ll be doing it for the wrong reasons as – and we’ve made this quite clear – it’s bloody horrible and you don’t need to see it. We hope you’ll trust that the judgement of the 7 Reasons team in this matter is sound and that we have your best interests at heart. So when deciding whether to view it, remember that if you choose to look, you’ll be letting us down and you’ll be letting yourselves down too. Oh, and you should probably lock away your spoons.

Here is the link to the image, don’t click on it.

*Or whatever else you have handy, I don’t know why I assume that all 7 Reasons readers are equipped with a spoon.

**If we do have a Viking reader, imagine you’re a Norman. Or a Gerald.

***Except for the labels in baby clothes that say “Keep away from fire”. Where do clothes manufacturers imagine that people store babies?

****When the health and age of the team is taken as a mean average.

May 5, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Images

Hello! Happy Sunday! (or Friday, if you’re one of the 7 Reasons team editing this post before scheduling it for Sunday)

Images are very important to us here at 7 Reasons and we always try to put them together in-house because, though what we post usually isn’t about an image, there’s always at least one picture attached to what we’ve written. We wanted to communicate the significance that we place on arresting and original visuals to you, so we decided that today we would chose three each of our favourite images from previous posts (plus one we’d used from Google Images by way of contrast) and hold an earnest and thoughtful contemplation of the importance of imagery in our posts and the technical and aesthetic merits of the selected illustrations as pieces of artwork. Obviously we failed, so here’s Marc Fearns and Jonathan Lee bickering about pictures instead.

Hitler’s Hand

Originally used in 7 Reasons That Size is Important.

MF. This is probably my favourite of the images I’ve put together for 7 Reasons. It’s not technically brilliant (in fact, it’s quite flawed), but boring stuff aside, it ticks all of my boxes: It’s black and white; It has Hitler in it; it has some sort of Photoshop-induced oddity (the big hand), and it has a random, bizarre element to it (the triangle apparently embedded in Himmler’s head). If it weren’t for Jon’s civilising influence, 7 Reasons would probably look a lot more like World War II than it does already.

JL. I have a serious problem with this image. It seems to suggest the Nazis were very handy. The Nazis were not very handy. They weren’t even quite handy. The Nazis were rather irritating and quite frankly caused more harm than good. I also have a problem with Himmler. Unlike Marc I am not struck by the triangle in his head, but his the binoculars. Why did Himmler need binoculars? Was he a part time ornithologist? Was he a pervert? Why are they pointing at his trousers? This picture provides more questions than answers. And that I find rather frustrating.

Lamb & Jon Photoshoot

Originally used in 7 Reasons Playing With A Cuddly Toy 2010 Was Not A Let Down.

JL. I like this picture because I look like an idiot. And in this life there just aren’t enough people prepared to be idiots. Sure, there are idiotic people, but that’s by accident. It takes a very special kind of person to deliberately make themselves look like an idiot and I am very proud to say I am very special. It also reminds me of that great day last September with Lamb. Oh, what fun was had. Rock on.

MF. I’m less keen on this picture than Jon. While it does feature a pair of Aviators, which is always a good thing, it’s lacking something quite fundamental. Hitler. Or the war generally. Also, outside of the framing, there barely a straight line in it. And what’s with the archway? What sort of oddball has an archway in their house? And he’s wearing a hat indoors which, as any grandparent would be very keen to point out, is a #manfail. The only thing that makes this image good is the albino monkey.

The Anglo-French Flag

Originally used in 7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement is a Good Idea

MF. This Anglo-French flag is something that I’m rather proud of. I constructed it from a picture of a British flag, a picture of a French flag and a picture of a silk sheet (which is how I got the creased fluttering effect). It wasn’t even in the post itself, it was the featured image, which means that it appears next to the post on menus as a thumbnail and it was in the Latest Posts window at the top of our home page for five days. You might wonder why I’d go to such an effort to create an image that would be barely seen but, to me anyway, that sort of detail is important, and I like to think that 7 Reasons is all the better for having high standards. That the image of the intertwined British and French flags brought Jon to near-apoplexy is purely coincidence.

JL. As Marc indicates, this picture absolutely disgusts me. I don’t mind the United Kingdom and France joining forces if we are beating up some bad guys, but to merge the Union Jack with the Drapeau Tricolore is nothing less than treason. I have had to ask myself many searching questions since Marc posted this. Should I turn him in? Can I continue to work with him? How the hell did he get that creased fluttering effect? In the end I have allowed Marc to remain living his life in York. The prospect of writing 7 Reasons on a daily basis was just too much to deal with. Rest-assured though, he’s had a warning. A severe one. And, as he’s posted it again, I shall be poking him on facebook too.

Beauty & The Beast

Originally used in 7 Reasons You Should Never Get Cary Grant & Carrie Grant Mixed Up.

JL. Let me clarify one thing, I don’t have a ‘Cary Grant dressed as a woman’ fantasy. I think it’s important to remind you of this now as I can see why you may be thinking such a thing. It’s a disturbing sight. I don’t think there is any getting away from that. So why do I love it? Well that comes down to the photoshopping. Do you know how difficult it is finding a picture of Cary Grant and a picture of Carrie Grant that will go together seemlessly? No, of course you don’t. The consequences of your actions rarely lead you to such an investigation. The consequences of starting 7 Reasons very much do. So, yes, I was delighted that I found two pictures that would work together. It’s not perfect. If I had my time again I would do a bit of work on their skin tones, but for the purpose of the post it did the job. And in 7 Reasons circles that means victory.

MF. For once, I agree with absolutely everything that Jon said about this image. In his third sentence. I do, however, have some observations of my own. Firstly, bloody Twilight: When you’re a vampire and you’re not even the scariest person in the background of a picture, you’re doing it wrong and you should just bloody stop. Secondly, there’s a terrifying bald man wearing an ill-fitting white suit and eyeliner with someone’s severed arm tucked under his own arm. I haven’t slept properly since I saw this. Thirdly, I find Jon’s Cary/Carrie Grant hybrid creature more attractive than the actual Carrie Grant. Or Cary Grant. This is troubling. And Jon never responds to my emails begging him to photoshop more of them.

Lungs, Heart, Asparagus.

Originally used in 7 Reasons That We Should Grow Vegetables in our Lungs.

MF. I put this one together to complement the title of the piece. It’s an original x-ray with the heart and lungs highlighted which I found online and added asparagus to. I’ve chosen this image not just because I’m pleased with the way it turned out, though I am rather. I’ve chosen it because of the almost boundless amusement it gives me every time someone discovers it searching Google Images for x-rays of lungs. I just like knowing that at any given moment someone, somewhere in the world is looking at it thinking, “Blimey! (or perhaps a colloquial equivalent) That looks nasty. I’m going to treat asparagus with more respect now”. I feel certain that one day, this picture will turn up in a medical journal, or on a GP’s surgery wall.

JL. Who eats asparagus whole? Is that even possible? This is just one of the 7 Reasons images that has inspired readers all over the road. A bit like that man in Norwich who – having been so inspired by a post last June – tried to break the world record for number of Jaffa Cakes eaten in one minute and was subsequently sick all over the biscuit aisle. Now, I am not for a minute encouraging you to see how much whole asparagus you can eat at once – that would be highly irresponsible of us – but if you manage more than five I would love to know.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Originally used in 7 Reasons You Should Always Kiss Properly.

JL. I know what you are thinking, ‘Typical Jon. Two of his three image choices feature him.” Yep, I can’t argue with maths. But let’s look at this photo. At least for as long a you feel comfortable doing so. It is an animated GIF! How bloody exciting! But more than that it is a reminder. A reminder of how far my kissing technique has advanced since last March and – if you’ve been using the above as some kind of guide – how far backwards yours has gone. Lovely stuff.

MF. “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” was my initial reaction to this image when I first saw it eleven months ago. And now that I am older, wiser and more mature, on reviewing this image I would say that my reaction is now AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”. Note that Jon has attempted to baffle us with maths to distract from the inherent narcissism of his selections, but let’s consider it carefully. This, as Jon points out, is an animated GIF, so it’s not one picture of him, it’s three pictures of him. This means that four out of Jon’s five image choices are of himself. That’s 80%. Anyway, that aside, I like this picture. On the first occasion I viewed it I remembered that I was supposed to unblock the kitchen sink, and the repeat viewing has caused me to agree with my wife that I spend too long on the internet and I’ve now closed my laptop, sellotaped it shut and placed it under a sofa. With an anvil on top.

Raw Sausages

Originally used in 7 Reasons That December 24th Should be Known as the Day of the Sausage.

MF. Aha! I remember this piece. Sadly, I also remember this picture. It makes me feel sick. It’s not just that the raw former-animal bits are shiny and greasy looking and some of them appear to be inside used condoms, it’s that I don’t even remember which of us added this to the (co-written) piece. I realise what must have been going through the mind of the person that uploaded it. “Sausages! Sausages! We’ve written a piece about sausages and now I need an image of sausages – any image of sausages – right now, to go with the piece about sausages!” And, in the grip of a deadline-panic, that person will have just grabbed the first image of sausages that they saw and attached it to the post. Truly horrible.

JL. This is a perfect example of what one calls, ‘shooting oneself in the foot’. Not that I shot myself, Marc shot me. And himself. And our argument. Using this image kind of reminds me of that day I sent my CV out to dozens of prospective employers and realised a week later that it didn’t contain my contact details. That section about my ‘outstanding attention to detail’ lost all credibility after that. Now, I’m not saying that the idea of the Day of the Sausage lost credibility with the inclusion of this image, just that – if such a day ever was created – Marc and I would not be part of the marketing team. And that’s sad.

January 30, 2011
7 Reasons That Postcards Should Be More Honest

Postcards. They’re not honest enough. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Blackpool. This is what a holiday in Blackpool actually looks like. I’ve been there. Many times. Other postcards may not show this, but forewarned is forearmed.

2. Bondi Beach. Sending a postcard from Australia, where it’s nice and warm and sunny you’re having a good time is ostentatious and likely to cause the recipient a pang of envy. Negate the envy by showing the reality. That you’re being eaten by a shark. Or a crocodile. Or a spider.

3. Welwyn Garden City. If the postcard isn’t honest, the recipient might get a false impression of a destination and may choose to visit it themselves. This would be a mistake.

4. Slough! You don’t want to get people’s hopes up about what they can expect as a present. Unless you show the iconic local product on your postcard, they might expect all sorts of exotica: A sombrero; a stuffed donkey; a bottle of wine in a wicker basket; an owl. You need to let them know that they aren’t getting any of these things.

5. The Natural History Museum. Or, you can subvert an entire genre of postcards and send this. That should make the recipient nervous until your return.

6. Yorkshire. You don’t want the recipient to feel as if they’re missing out on lots of sunshine, warmth and an exotic climate. Let them know what the weather’s really like where you are.

7. Candour. Ever wondered why the sender always returns from holiday before the postcard? Well wonder no more. It’s because they don’t care enough about you.

November 17, 2010
7 Reasons That This Picture Is Amazing

A friend of mine sent me this picture. And it’s amazing. Here are seven reasons why.

1. It’s Cute. Just look at the sweet little pig feeding between the bigger pigs. Look how sweet and little and cute he is. Awwww. What a lovely, heart-warming, rustic scene.

2. It’s Compelling. The cute pig picture was on my monitor when my wife was walking past the room and, having glimpsed it, she was beside me within a nanosecond, looking rather flustered and seemingly unable to take her eyes off it. “Isn’t the little piggy cute?” I enquired. “Errr…er…yes”, she replied, before wandering off, looking back at it over her shoulder a couple of times as she left the room.

3. It’s Unexpected. The friend that sent me the picture of the cute pig did so in an email entitled Not What You Think. And he was right. Because usually when I get an email from him it contains some sort of smut or a horrific example of Darwinism. The last thing I expected was a nice animal picture. It seems that seeing the cute pig has brought out my friend’s better side.

4. It Brings Out Deep-Rooted Primitive Beliefs. Using my phone I showed another friend the picture of the cute piggy while we were in a bar and his reaction was extraordinary. After a couple of seconds looking at the picture, he grabbed my phone and tried to hide it under the table. I can only imagine he thought that by looking at the picture we were stealing the pig’s soul, but I never got the chance to ask because…

5. It’s Awesome. So awesome that the sight of it caused a woman seated a couple of tables behind us to gasp audibly and point, slack-jawed in our direction. This was unnerving and we left quite soon after. But not before I observed that…

6. It’s Inspirational. Because the gasping woman was obviously very taken with the cute piggy; I couldn’t hear what she was saying, but when her friend came back from the toilet she seemed very excited and spent several minutes telling her about the picture in a breathless and animated manner. She pointed many more times, and touched her ruddy cheeks a lot. The cuteness of the piggy seemed to have affected her greatly. Hormones, I expect.

7. It’s Baffling. Because I like the cute pig; I like the little fella a lot, don’t get me wrong. But other people seem extraordinarily taken with him, and there are other, cuter animal pictures out there that don’t provoke such a reaction. This one, for example:

Awww. Much cuter.

October 20, 2010
Guest(ish) Post: 7 Reasons We Should Be Kept Well Away From Photoshop

Today’s guest(ish) post comes to you courtesy of Marc Fearns, who can usually be found doing stuff here, and the amazing Ceci Masters of Swanning About fame; a blog so good that it’s in The Times’ list of the top 50 cricket blogs, along with the blog of another friend of 7 Reasons, Sarah Ansell, and forty-eight other blogs that we’re less interested in.

This guest(ish) post is a little unusual. It tells the tale of last Friday evening when, shamefully, Ceci and I were both at our homes, with our Photoshop software open.

1. Crouching Crouch Hidden Dragon. It started innocently enough. Ceci – inspired by the film Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon – produced this picture for the Facebook group, Hollywoodgate: Onde futebol e película cruzam. She also put it on Twitter.

2. Hiding Crouch Tiger-Dragon. And Twitter is where I saw it, while I was in the middle of photoshopping something else (a cat in a submarine, I think). Anyway, I was struck by the wordplay potential so within five minutes, this was winging its way to Ceci.

3. Crouch’s Tiger Hiddink’s Dragon. Then, about five minutes after the previous picture, Ceci put this one up. There was only one way that this was going to go.

4. Grouchy Tiger Smitten Crouch. We had become embroiled in a duel. A frenzied maelstrom of a contest in which PCs were pistols and Crouch crouching crouchy tigery tiger tiger-dragons were our ammunition. In short, we had lost the plot. I made this one. But girls are sensible, and you can always rely on them to stop the madness, can’t you?

5. Hiding Tiger Crouch With Drag On. No, it turns out that you can’t. You can rely on them to take the madness and add big hair and sequins to it.

6. Crouch In Drag On Ridden Tiger. Now, Ceci’s previous picture was not only brilliant, it was also a bit frustrating, as I’d already got started on this one before I discovered that she’d used drag too. But now that we’d started coming up with the same ideas we agreed that it was time to call a halt to things, and we established a truce.

7. Crouch In Tiger With A Bag On. The truce lasted a full three minutes or so, until I thought of this.

That’s why Ceci and I should be kept well away from Photoshop but, like predatory beasts, we’ll be watching, waiting, ever-ready to pounce during the World Cup. The moment that Crouch does anything that even remotely resembles the words tiger, dragon or hiding, one of us will strike. Well, unless his solicitors get in touch which, on balance, seems entirely possible.

June 5, 2010
7 Reasons I Shouldn’t Have Seen This Picture Of Russell Crowe

1. Lips. Well, Russell looks manly and scary as always. But there’s something strange about his lips. They look a little red, don’t they? They strike a feminine note in an otherwise masculine portrait. That’s what inspired me to do this:

2. Head. There, that’s better. But there’s something else bothering me. In the original photo, the top of his head’s missing. Now I could try to blend in some hair to make it appear that he has a complete head but that’s tricky and time-consuming, and I have a simpler idea:

3. Accessorise. Okay ladies, now I’m sure you’ve all noticed that the hat looks a little out of place as it doesn’t go with the rest of his outfit. What he needs is something else to compliment it. Don’t worry, I’ve sorted it.

4. Legs. Russell has no legs in the picture either. Now, there’s nothing wrong with having a missing limb – as these amazing guys are preparing to demonstrate – but we know that Crowe has two of them. Never mind, I can get some from the internet.

5. Background. So there you go, Russell’s finished. But what about that dreary background? I’ll put him somewhere else.

6. Words. Not quite finished yet, we need some words to complete the picture. I’m a little tired now, what with all of the photoshopping, so I’ll need some help with that. This is now officially a caption competition. Put them in the comments section and we’ll add the best entry to the picture.

7. Danger. You might think that it’s foolhardy to lampoon a notoriously angry and volatile man like Russell Crowe, but how hard can he be? My name’s Jonathan Lee, and I’m not scared in the slightest.

**********Update**********

We were inundated by both entries to the caption competition and it was hard to pick a winner. But there can only be one and the winner is…Robert A. Foot with this entry.

Sailor 1: There’s something not right about that woman over there. Sailor 2: Yeah, her accent keeps changing every 3 minutes.

Thanks very much, Rob and Daryl, for your entries. You’ve both won a place on our prestigious (though seldom updated) Links page.

May 18, 2010
7 Reasons to use Photoshop

1. Spots. As surely as crumpets will land butter side down or jam will spill on your new tie, it is inevitable that on the morning you’re attending a wedding, you’ll wake up with a spot on your face. This always happens. The size and prominence of the spot is governed by the importance of your role at the wedding, ranging from a minor blemish (your second cousin’s wedding) through a noticeable carbuncle (your brother’s wedding), all the way up to a puss-filled second head (your own wedding). While there’s nothing you can do about the spot on the day, you can erase all record of it using Photoshop (fortunately).

2. Vanity. A recent survey discovered that 100% of internet humourists use Photoshop to adjust their eye colour.

3. Laughter. This picture is very funny, but Photoshop makes it hilarious.

These people made it

4. Revenge. Ever wanted to exact revenge upon someone for making fun of your spot at a wedding? With Photoshop you can. We have already seen that you can remove a spot from your face with Photoshop, you can also use it to move that spot to someone else’s face, and make it bigger and redder. You can put it on your tormentor’s face as many times as you like. She will then call you a “poo-head” and not speak to you for three days, in my experience.

5. Protest. Protestors often hold up really dull placards. You can use Photoshop to make them more interesting. I tried to do something about the stripy top too, but my computer melted.

6. Deception.The University of Wisconsin couldn’t find any group shots containing any black students so they just photoshopped one in (badly). If they hadn’t been sued by Diallo Shabazz (the photoshopped student), who knows what they might have done next. Removing stairs from pictures to demonstrate their wheelchair access perhaps, or removing images of staff pointing at tall buildings and aeroplanes, to make themselves appear a little more sophisticated.

7. Celebrities. Don’t you hate it when friends bump into Dan Akroyd at the train station and keep showing you the photo? With the aid of Photoshop, you can stop them, by manufacturing a picture of you having tea with the Dalai Lama or going for a jog with Ted Danson. Also, if you should ever bump into Michael Winner, you can remove him from any photographs.

December 3, 2009
7 Reasons Not to Upload a Facebook Profile Picture.

1. You look like this.

2. There are two photos of you in existence; one is of you paddling nude, aged two; the second is a blurred and poorly composed picture from your wedding in 1983, you are wearing maroon.

3. You are a troll who only uses Facebook to anger people in the group I Love Knitting. Your post stating that “Knitting is an inferior pastime for cack-handed simpletons who lack the dexterity and finesse required for the infinitely superior art of Crochet” has generated such fury amongst online knitters that you fear for your safety.

4. You look like this.

5. You are a besotted cat owner. No one wants to see posts on their wall that are apparently from a cat. Nobody wants to interact with a cat in a discussion forum, it makes them look a bit mad. Your friends don’t want to receive a message of condolence in response to their status update that apparently comes from Tiddles the cat. Don’t do it, madam.

6. You are a bald man with a beard. No one needs the fleeting moment of doubt that comes on first viewing a picture of a bald man with a beard. The thought “Is that picture upside-down?” followed by the closer scrutiny required to ascertain that it is not, is a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

7. You are Simon Cowell.

Go on…comment. You know you want to.

November 3, 2009