Category: Top Posts

7 Reasons 7 Reasons Are Making A Film About The Ash Breathing Volcano

1. The Plot Bit. Think Love Actually meets Planes, Trains & Automobiles (without the planes) meets The Day After Tomorrow. Various people stranded in various places have to find various methods of getting back to the UK for various of reasons. It’ll be a romcom/thriller.

2. The Product Placement Bit. The 7 Reasons team isn’t stupid. We know that slipping in a few products will boost our coffers. That is why Ash’s entire back catalogue will be on display in the majority of scenes. Ashes To Ashes will be shown on all TV screens. Unless it’s in a hotel room where the occupant may choose between Ashes To Ashes, The History Of The Ashes or The Arthur Ash Story.

3. The Cast Bit. All the usual suspects will be there. Hugh Grant. Colin Firth. Emma Thompson. Rowan Atkinson. We’ll find them something to do. We’ll also bring in Colin Farrell to liven up proceedings. He’ll be monk. Though a monk who has escaped from his monastery after being accused of sneaking into the local nunnery of an evening and having his evil way with a couple of habits. The head monk is after him. So is the head nun. The nun isn’t wearing anything. This is not a 3D film.

4. The Political Bit. Hugh Grant will be the leader of the opposition. He has just been in Washington DC (with Gary Barlow) meeting the President – who will be played by either Morgan Freeman or Denzel Washington. It really depends who is cheaper. They won’t have a speaking part. Hugh Grant then needs to get home to vote in the election and then pick up the keys to Downing Street from it’s former occupant. Who will be played by Eddie Izzard. His wife will be Carole Smilie.

5. The Romance Bit. Colin Firth is a writer – probably working on something Shakespearean – he has been on a writer’s holiday in Spain and now needs to get back to London because he also has a part time job in Waterstones. He misses out on hiring the last available car in Barcelona so jumps up and down a bit on the pavement and looks angry. A Spanish girl pulls up in her hire car and – in broken English – asks Mr Firth if he would like a lift to London. Col says yes and before you know it they are on a road trip together. We’re not quite sure how the drive will go but they’ll be having a good old snog come Dover. Of that you can be sure.

6. The Sad Bit. Bill Nighy is the owner of a Formula 1 team. He’s stuck in Shanghai after the Chinese Grand Prix. While he’s waiting for a plane in the Chinese version of Starbucks, he gets a phone call from his daughter. Bill’s wife has been in an accident and is in a critical condition in hospital. Bill starts walking home. At the end of the film he is still walking. This is our ticket to a sequel.

7. The ‘He Should Be Dead. This Is So Unrealistic’ Bit. Dennis Quaid is a volcanic expert. He was inside the volcano when it started to erupt. The Icelandic name for the volcano is Eyjafjallajökul, but for arguments sake we’ll call it Volcano Mrs Robinson. So Dennis was inside Volcano Mrs Robinson when she started blowing off. Dennis’ English wife thinks he’s dead. But as this is a film, she is the only one. He’s blatantly alive. Everyone knows it. We wouldn’t have cast Dennis Quaid just to kill him off in the first five minutes. If we wanted to do that we’d have cast Ben Affleck. Anyway, Dennis makes it back to his wife in one piece. Bar a touch of sunburn/frost-bite.

April 21, 2010
7 Reasons Frank Sinatra Talked Nonsense

1. If I Can Make It There, I Can Make It Anywhere, It’s Up To You, New York New York. No it isn’t. A city does not decide whether you make it or not. A city is an inanimate object and therefore lacks the necessary attributes to make such a call. But if you are that desperate, try Norwich. You’ll have more luck.

2. She’d Never Bother, With People She’d Hate, That’s Why The Lady Is A Tramp. This does not make the lady a tramp. It makes the lady someone who uses her time wisely. Think Thatcher and Scargill.

3. The Way You Wear That Hat, The Way You Sip Your Tea, The Memory Of All That, They Can’t Take That Away From Me. Unless they shoot you.

4. I’ve Lived A Life That’s Full, I’ve Travelled Each And Every Highway. An oxymoron to begin with. And probably bollocks. That is a hell of a lot of road.

5. Saturday Night Is The Loneliest Night Of The Week. No, that would be Monday night. When you are desperately trying to come up with ideas for the following day’s 7 Reasons post.

6. I’ve Got The World On A String, I’m Sitting On A Rainbow. No, you have a microphone on a wire and you are sitting on a stool. The difference is beyond substantial.

7. Come Fly With Me, Let’s Fly, Let’s Fly Away. Not so much a nonsensical comment, as a ridiculous and dangerous one. Frank didn’t own a pilot’s license. I wouldn’t bloody trust him. Especially as he carried a crate of whiskey around with him.

April 13, 2010
7 Reasons That Time Zones Are Confusing

The way we measure and calculate time is a wholly abstract construct that is often difficult to grasp. And then, when we split it into zones – that are also abstract – it becomes very confusing indeed. Here are seven reasons why.

1. South Africa. I’m not a geographical expert, but I have rough grasp of the map of the world and how it relates to me. I’m in England; I know that South Africa is approximately 5,500 miles away from me. I also know that France is 21 miles away from England. But it’s exactly the same time in France right now as it is in South Africa. This means that when it’s lunchtime in Cape Town, it’s lunchtime in Paris, and when it’s teatime in Cape Town, it’s lunchtime in Paris. But they’re so far away from each other!

2. The Moon. The moon has a time zone of its own, Lunar Standard Time. Today’s date on the moon is 42-12-21. So if I go to the moon, I’ll probably need a separate moon calendar, and perhaps a moon watch, though I’m not certain about that. What I do know is that the time (and date) on the moon bear no relation to the time and date on Earth, or even in Paris, where it’s still lunchtime.

3. The North Pole. There isn’t a time at the North Pole. The moon has a time, but the North Pole doesn’t. The reason the North Pole doesn’t have a time zone is because there’s no permanent human presence at the North Pole – which makes me wonder if there’s something that we’re not being told about the moon? If you go to the North Pole, you can just choose (arbitrarily) to be in whichever time zone you like. This means that you can be in a totally different time zone to the person standing next to you and the same time zone as someone standing inside Starbucks in Croydon. Or Johannesburg. Or any Starbucks you like.

4. The South Pole. The South Pole is on New Zealand time, despite being a long way from it. This is because most of the things that the polar bases consume are imported from New Zealand. But in Britain, most of the goods we consume come from China, though we’re not on Chinese time (yet). This is good as their next New Year is in February, and my New Year guests arrive in December, and there’s only so much of me they can take.

The International Date Line

5. The International Date Line. You may have already noticed that it’s not straight. This means that if you travel sort of North-Eastish, by sea, from New Zealand, the date may change several times on the way. The date line isn’t a time zone though, so when the date changes, the time doesn’t. So you know it’s 2pm, because that’s what your watch tells you, but you don’t know if it’s today, yesterday, tomorrow or Thursday – which must make arranging shipboard entertainments damn nigh impossible. And what if one of the days is your birthday? If you’ve worked on a sort of North-Eastish-sailing ship from New Zealand for a few years, you could end up having your fifty-ninth birthday at the age of twenty-seven. And then your presents would be inappropriate. What twenty-seven year old wants a subscription to the Radio Times and a pair of Totes Toasties for their birthday?

6. Trains. The Indian Pacific train in Australia has its own time zone. On its journey between Kalgoorlie and Kalgoorlie the time on the train bears absolutely no relation to the time zone that the train is in. This is because it crosses several time zones (including a weird one that changes in half hour increments). I find this confusing, but compared to British trains – which also seem to operate in their own time zone, one that bears no relation to either the time outside the train or the published timetable – it seems quite straightforward.

7. Greenwich. Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) is the time zone of zero degrees longitude. Greenwich is in London. London switches to Summer Time (BST) during the summer months. This means that London is an hour ahead of Greenwich in the summer. But, as Greenwich is in London, Greenwich is also an hour ahead of itself. This makes my head hurt. But if anyone can think of a way in which I can exploit this to plan a heist or win the lottery, please let me know.

April 12, 2010
7 Reasons That Looking Like A Horse Shouldn’t Be A Barrier To Success

Do you look like a horse? Some people do (most horses do too, but we’re not anticipating that many of them will be reading this). There’s no reason that it should be a barrier to a successful or fulfilled life though, as these horse-faced people demonstrate.

1. Jerry Seinfeld looks like a horse. This hasn’t held his career back though. His eponymous sit-com is the most successful comedy show of all time. Jerry Seinfeld made a fortune from it, and he was the least funny thing in it, being upstaged by all of the other cast members. Perhaps his success – relative to that of the other cast members – is because people’s expectations are lower when it comes to performing horses. After all, if a horse multiplies 6 x 7 using its foot, we marvel at it. If a person does it, we cross the road and hope they haven’t spotted us. Forty-two, by the way, in case you were wondering.

2. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. All horses, in fact. Yet she’s been phenomenally successful as Carrie from Sex and the City. This is despite: 1) Looking like a horse: 2) Being completely divisive in her appeal. The Sarah Jessica Parker Paradox is this: Most women find Sarah Jessica Parker attractive, yet no man finds Sarah Jessica Parker attractive. She’s not desirable to men in the least. Women, however, can’t understand her lack of appeal to men and never believe that men don’t find her attractive. If you’re a woman, you probably don’t believe it right now, so we should test this notion. Women, you have my permission to leave your computer for a moment and go and ask the nearest man if he finds SJP attractive (don’t get distracted by something and forget to come back). Back now? Good. See, I told you. There may be an explanation for this phenomenon.

When they’re growing up, what do most girls want? A pony. What do most boys want? Not a pony. This is why women find SJP so attractive. Somewhere, in a subconscious throwback to their girlhood, women still want a pony, and find themselves inexorably drawn to Sarah Jessica Parker. Men, who spent their boyhood not wanting a pony, do not. What men want is one of the other lead characters from Sex and the City, or a combination of all three of them. Perhaps in a haystack, or a corner-bath.

3. John Kerry looks like a horse. Despite this, he was a highly-decorated military officer and a high-profile member of the anti-Vietnam-war movement. Okay, so George W. Bush retained the presidency when Kerry fought him in the 2004 election, but being defeated by Bush is no measure of failure. After all, George W. Bush attained the presidency in the 2000 election – an election which Al Gore won.

The Princess Royal & Hound

4. The Princess Royal looks like a horse. Despite this, she’s been the greatest Princess Royal of all time. We’re not entirely sure what Princess Royals do, other than looking equine and telling the hoi-polloi to “naff off”, but she’s very successful at it.

5. Nicholas Cage looks like a horse. He looks more like a horse with every passing year. From his early days, acting terrifically in a series of brilliant and often quirky films, to his later career, acting badly in a series of vacuous and often inane films, he has grown steadily more equine. To be fair to him, in his latest film, Kick-Ass, he was brilliant; he plays a horse with a false moustache. He was also in the film Honeymoon In Vegas with Sarah Jessica Parker. They may have been in Sea Biscuit together too.

6. Ruud Van Nistelrooy looks like a horse. Like all Dutch people, he’s quite tall (he’s 18.3 hands high) and he’s used that height to great effect, his aerial prowess has helped him earn a fortune from football and become the second highest scorer in Champions League history. Here he is pictured with his great rival Alan Shearer.

Camilla Parker Bowles (right) and horse.

7. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, looks like a horse. This didn’t stop her displacing one of the world’s most celebrated beauties in the affections of the heir to the throne though. Perhaps Prince Charles is the exception that proves the Sarah Jessica Parker Paradox?

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*Thanks to sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com for the SJP pictures.

April 6, 2010
7 Reasons We Love Propaganda Posters

At 7 Reasons, we’re quite into war and propaganda, and recently, we’ve been putting together some bits and pieces that we’ve used propaganda posters in. We’ve looked at an awful lot of them in the past couple of weeks, and we were astounded at the amount of brilliant posters that we’d never seen before. We thought we’d show you some of the more obscure ones today. We’re sure you’ll agree that each one of them is a reason to love propaganda posters.

1. Tell Her Nothing (1940). Produced quite early into World War II, this extremely rare British poster proved so popular that as soon as the posters were put up, they would disappear – presumably stolen by amorous servicemen. This woman was a more popular pin-up than Vera Lynn in the early war years. We would tell her everything. And give her the blueprints (whatever blueprints are).

2. He Volunteered For Sperm Donation (c. 1945). Used by the Americans after the end of World War II, this poster encouraged virile men to donate their little swimmers to the wives and partners of soldiers killed in action. It was believed that a baby boom would help the economy recover.

3. Syphilis (c. 1944). A poster used mainly in the Dorset area during the build-up to D-Day. It was used to highlight the dangers of fraternising with the allies.

4. Who Smells Of Fish? (c. 1916). In World War I, rationing meant that some foods such as fish were only able to be eaten on Friday. Many citizens ignored this order though and ate their fish on a Thursday. This campaign was created to scare those who cheated by implying that if you ate fish early you would smell.

5. For A Happy, Healthy Job…(c. 1940). While the Battle of Britain was raging in the South-East of England, these posters were everywhere. Women were encouraged to organise themselves and head out into the countryside to search for German airmen that had been shot down and gone into hiding.

6. Women Of Britain. Direct Our Planes! (c. 1943). Due to the sun, it was hard for Allied pilots to focus on incoming German Bombers and Messerschmitts. The British devised a simple solution. They asked women to go out into the streets and point in the direction of the bastards. Our brave boys were able to look down and follow the direction of where the women were pointing. This simple but effective solution proved vital in winning the Battle of Britain.

7. Tell No One (1939). In the early days of WWII, during the phoney war, it was easy to become overwhelmed by the media’s portrayal of the enemy. This poster was issued by the Ministry of Health, to instruct British men on how best to deal with any psychological issues resulting from the constant media bombardment of war-stories.

********************UPDATE********************

Due to the popularity of this post, we have made this series of propaganda posters available for sale in postcard form in the 7 Reasons Emporium. There are also t-shirts.

March 27, 2010
7 Reasons You Should Always Kiss Properly

Please note, the proper way to kiss involves lip on lip action. No substitute will be accepted. Until you’ve finished reading this anyway. Quite frankly, I suspect you’ll all be so horny in two minutes time that you’ll want to go away and try the lot. I shan’t stand in your way.

1. Eskimo Kiss. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but you have no idea what your fellow kisser has up their nose. They could be suffering from a hideous cold. The impact of nose on nose could cause an embarrassing and traumatic experience for both of you. Especially if the words, ‘Bloody hell, it was a marble’ are soon heard.

2. Butterfly Kiss. It’s pretty obvious what can go wrong here. Eyelashes may become tangled. You will have to pull apart in a move reminiscent of a Christmas cracker. Who will end up with the extra eyelid?

3. Fishlips Kiss. Just so there is no doubt as to what I am referring to here, please see the photo above. Thanks. This is a particularly dangerous kiss as it may result in you sucking so hard on the inside of your cheeks that you actually bite a chunk off. You don’t really want that floating about your mouth while partaking in a little romance. It’s also a particularly awkward kiss as you both have to tilt your heads quite a long way. Neck strains are commonplace.

4. Earlobe Kiss. This is quite sensual. So long as earrings aren’t involved. Choking on such a thing completely spoils the mood.

5. Glasgow Kiss. As the name suggests, this a particularly romantic kiss. Also known as the headbutt. You’ve got to be really sure the object of your desire is a sadist before giving this a go. Either that or make sure he/she has something soft to land on.

6. Gum Kissing. This is a strange one. People – that’s us – have long had a fascination with pretending we have no teeth. (I imagine it must be the sound we make when trying to talk as opposed to the thought of our dentures floating in glass next to us). Really this is where such a fascination should end. Just you. On your own. Looking in the mirror. Under no circumstances should you try and kiss someone like this. Not only does it feel weird, it is an accurate representation of how kissing each other will feel in fifty years. Can you live your life knowing what is around the corner?

7. Vacuum Kiss. This is best tried when someone is least expecting it. Perhaps when they are driving a bus. However, this move is also the most dangerous of the lot. It is one thing distracting the driver, quite another sucking the life out of them.

*All information has been researched and verified by a kissing expert.

March 26, 2010
7 Reasons That Seven is the Wrong Number

1. Socks. Our washing machine broke recently. It was calamitous. I was down to my last seven socks when the washing-machine-man came and mended it – and seven is certainly the wrong number of socks. Only two of them matched each other – the pink ones. The other five were variously; ropey, frumpy, crappy, bobbly and greasy. Which reminds me.

2. Dwarves. Seven is too few dwarves for a good song: “Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it’s off to work we go” is the best you can expect from seven dwarves, and that’s rubbish. No one’s that jolly on their way to work (except dolphin trainers, and that’s not even a real job). But if you get a greater number of dwarves and paint them orange, they’ll sing “Ooompa-Loompa, doompadee-doo”, which are far superior lyrics that everyone can relate to. And they’ll make you some chocolate while they sing them.

3. Maths. Seven is a prime number, and it was while I was trying to come up with a mathematical explanation of a prime number that this occurred to me: We call maths maths. Americans call maths math. If we follow the logic of the British way of doing things, then surely mathematical should be mathsematical, mathematics should be mathsematics and a mathematician should be a mathsematician. But they’re not. This means that we are wrong and Americans are right – which is very, very, very wrong indeed. Thinking about the number seven made me realise this.

4. Viagra. When a man takes one Viagra pill, his penis assumes the shape of the number 1 for a considerable time. Therefore, if a man takes seven Viagra pills, his penis must assume the shape of the number 7 for a considerable time. I’m not sure why anyone would want a 7 shaped penis – unless they wanted to make love to someone round a corner – so it’s probably the wrong number of pills to take. I don’t know how taking 7 Viagra pills would affect a woman*, but I would advise against it; it may tousle the hair…or…something.

5. Human pyramid. Seven is the wrong number of people to construct a human pyramid. You can make one with six, but then the seventh person is just standing about, feeling left-out and unloved. Or it will lead to a human rhombus, and no one wants one of those.

6. Brides. Exhaustive research on Wikipedia has yielded the statistic that between 2% and 13% of people are gay. This means that, in the film Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, seven is the wrong number of brides. The brothers (0.14 to 0.91 of whom would be gay) would require 6.09 to 6.86 brides and between 0.14 and .91 additional grooms**. So, logically, the film should be called 6.09 to 6.86 Brides and Between 0.14 and 0.91 Grooms For Seven Brothers. I’m only about 85% sure that my calculations are correct but I am 100% certain that at least 50% of the 7 Reasons team now has a headache.

7. Reasons. It’s a well known fact that there are only six reasons for anything. Don’t just take my word for it. Ask Jonathan Lee, he’s an expert.

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*I’m not a real doctor

**Nor am I a mathsematician.

March 25, 2010
7 Reasons Text Abbreviations Are Confusing

Via: roadsidescholar.com

1. U2. As in, ‘I’m going to the festival! U2?’ Now what I understand from this is that someone is going to a festival. What I can’t work out is whether they are asking me if Bono is playing, if there is a submarine docking station nearby or whether I am going too.

2. LOL. As in, ‘Was great to see you today. LOL.’ Does that mean lots of love or are they laughing at me? Outloud? Are they being sarcastic? My Mum doesn’t want to see me again does she?

3. ATM. As in, ‘Hi. I’m in Barclays ATM. See you in five minutes.’ What?! How on earth did they get inside an automated teller machine? And how do they know it’s only going to take them five minutes to get out? Is this a regular occurrence? Oh good golly! I’m friends with a serial cashpoint raider.

4. PLZ. As in, ‘It would be great if you could join me plz.’ Again I’m very confused. Do they want me to join them at Port Elizabeth Airport or in a random German postcode (or Postleitzahl)? There is quite a difference.

5. TOY. As in, ‘I hope it goes well today. TOY.’ What is this? A name change? A new signature? Is it a new nickname for me? Do they just think I am a play thing? I’m being used. That means last night I was abused.

6. ENUF. As in, ‘ENUF is ENUF’. The Ethiopian National United Front is The Ethiopian National United Front? Why am I being told this? If I knew one I probably knew the other. Did my previous message imply that I was in a pub quiz? My brain hurts.

7. BOT. As in, ‘Anyway, BOT.’ Are they referring to me as a robot or do they just want to address my backside? Something that sounds quite painful in all honesty. Especially if they intend to use a franking machine. And what happens if they don’t want to treat it as first class? Because I do. I treat my backside with the utmost respect. But I digress, let’s get back on topic.

March 24, 2010
7 Reasons The French Couldn’t Invade The UK

1. Language. A successful French invasion would result in the British speaking French. That’s not happening. The British have about as much interest in learning French as they do in my trousers. They are also incapable of learning something so… well… pointless. (The British I mean, not my trousers. Though, come to think of it, my trousers are fairly incapable in that department too). The fact is, we Brits just wouldn’t turn up to the classes. The French would eventually get fed up and go home. Then they’d find that while they were out for the day we took over. Genius.

2. Beaches. The French have dainty little feet. It’s a well known fact, in my mind, that they spend 56% of their time in the bathroom moisturising their toes. If they try and invade by boat it means making an assault via our beaches. These are made from stone. That’s enough to make them turn around and run out of petrol in the middle of the English Channel. Please note that name. The English Channel. None of this French Chanel No.5 rubbish.

3. Flights. Attempting to invade by plane would be particularly stupid as most of the planes destined for Heathrow get diverted to Charles de Gaulle anyway. Or Luton. Both are pretty horrendous.

4. Time Difference. The French are an hour ahead of the British. Not in common sense, just in time. Supposing the French finish work at 5pm their time. It would take them two hours to get to London. That would be 6pm our time. Rush hour. Told you they didn’t have common sense.

5. Food. There is no point in invading and then going home for tea. We’d just take our country back. The French would actually have to occupy the UK. This would mean eating British food. Well they’re not going to do that are they? Who wants a plate of fish and chips when you can have frog’s legs dipped in snail fluid?

6. Nelson. Horatio still gives the French nightmares. That is why you never see an onion-selling cyclist in Trafalgar Square. Fancy losing a battle to a bloke with one arm and one eye. Do you know how difficult it is steer a ship with one arm and one eye? That’s pretty lame France.

7. Scared. The French are big pansies. In the early 1800’s Nelson had both the French and Spanish fleets blockaded in at Toulon. Instead of fighting back, they slipped through the back entrance. (A nasty habit). Nelson ended up having to chase them all the way to the West Indies. And back again. And they still didn’t bloody engage in battle. If that is their attitude how could they possibly invade the UK? They’d run away crying if the foghorn on the Calais to Dover ferry was a bit too loud.

March 22, 2010
7 Reasons To Invade France

1. Riots. There is nothing the French like more than a riot. Half the time it doesn’t have to be about anything particular, they just like getting out there and giving it a go. They haven’t had one for a while so let’s give them something to riot about. I suspect, us invading – and the French Army waving us through – will work.

2. Language. French is just very silly. What is it with everything having to be masculine or feminine? In no other language do you refer to a male cat as feminine. In no other language is my toothbrush as masculine as Freddie Mercury. In no other language is my tool box as feminine as Alan Carr. It’s a load of nonsense. Let’s get rid of it.

3. Riviera. I don’t mind the fact that the French have a Riviera. What I do mind is that it is British water they are using. It comes from the South coast of England. I have seen it go out with the tide. It slips down past the West coast of France, past Portugal, sweeps under Spain and then heads up to the South Eastern corner of France. Now, as far as I am aware, the French don’t pay us for it. Nor have they even thanked us. Well if that is their attitude, it’s time to go and get it back.

4. Liberate The Fake Named. Don’t you feel sorry for all those otherwise normally named people trapped in Frenchness. I’m referring to all the Jack’s trapped as Jacques. And the John’s as Jean. And the Peter’s as Pierre. And the Luke’s as Luc. These are men. Or at least they would have been had they not been effeminate-d upon the completion of a birth certificate.

5. Liberate Brittany. Only the bloody French could name a place after a country they pretend to hate. Brittany quite clearly belongs to Britain. In the same way that the vast majority of New England belongs to England. And the vast majority of Koreans belong to Jonathan Lee.

6. Reduce The Cost Of Onions/Garlic/Tights. I bet you didn’t even realise that onions, garlic and tights were that expensive? Well they are. And the reason for that is because the French hoard 98% of the world’s stock. The rest of the world have to fight over the remaining 2%. Of course this means the demand inflates the price to excessive levels. It’s not fair.

7. Take Down The Imitation Blackpool Tower. What is it with the French? Why can’t they have any of their own ideas? I applaud their bottle for sticking a metal pointy thing in the middle of their capital city, but it is clearly a rip-off. It’s time it came down and was replaced by a burger van.

March 18, 2010