7 Reasons That Seven is the Wrong Number
1. Socks. Our washing machine broke recently. It was calamitous. I was down to my last seven socks when the washing-machine-man came and mended it – and seven is certainly the wrong number of socks. Only two of them matched each other – the pink ones. The other five were variously; ropey, frumpy, crappy, bobbly and greasy. Which reminds me.
2. Dwarves. Seven is too few dwarves for a good song: “Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it’s off to work we go” is the best you can expect from seven dwarves, and that’s rubbish. No one’s that jolly on their way to work (except dolphin trainers, and that’s not even a real job). But if you get a greater number of dwarves and paint them orange, they’ll sing “Ooompa-Loompa, doompadee-doo”, which are far superior lyrics that everyone can relate to. And they’ll make you some chocolate while they sing them.
3. Maths. Seven is a prime number, and it was while I was trying to come up with a mathematical explanation of a prime number that this occurred to me: We call maths maths. Americans call maths math. If we follow the logic of the British way of doing things, then surely mathematical should be mathsematical, mathematics should be mathsematics and a mathematician should be a mathsematician. But they’re not. This means that we are wrong and Americans are right – which is very, very, very wrong indeed. Thinking about the number seven made me realise this.
4. Viagra. When a man takes one Viagra pill, his penis assumes the shape of the number 1 for a considerable time. Therefore, if a man takes seven Viagra pills, his penis must assume the shape of the number 7 for a considerable time. I’m not sure why anyone would want a 7 shaped penis – unless they wanted to make love to someone round a corner – so it’s probably the wrong number of pills to take. I don’t know how taking 7 Viagra pills would affect a woman*, but I would advise against it; it may tousle the hair…or…something.
5. Human pyramid. Seven is the wrong number of people to construct a human pyramid. You can make one with six, but then the seventh person is just standing about, feeling left-out and unloved. Or it will lead to a human rhombus, and no one wants one of those.
6. Brides. Exhaustive research on Wikipedia has yielded the statistic that between 2% and 13% of people are gay. This means that, in the film Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, seven is the wrong number of brides. The brothers (0.14 to 0.91 of whom would be gay) would require 6.09 to 6.86 brides and between 0.14 and .91 additional grooms**. So, logically, the film should be called 6.09 to 6.86 Brides and Between 0.14 and 0.91 Grooms For Seven Brothers. I’m only about 85% sure that my calculations are correct but I am 100% certain that at least 50% of the 7 Reasons team now has a headache.
7. Reasons. It’s a well known fact that there are only six reasons for anything. Don’t just take my word for it. Ask Jonathan Lee, he’s an expert.
*I’m not a real doctor
**Nor am I a mathsematician.