Category: Posts

7 Reasons to Pretend to be a Pirate

1. It’s cool. Whatever you do, there’s nothing that’s cooler than dressing up as a pirate. Being a poet is cool but people don’t dress up as poets. Being an architect is cool but people don’t dress up as architects. Being a deep sea diver is cool but people don’t dress up as deep sea divers. Probably one of the coolest things you can do is be in a really good rock band. Look at Johnny Kidd and the Pirates, they were a great band. They dressed up as pirates.

2. Avast. Pirates say “Avast” a lot, we’re not sure why. They preface many of their sentences with it. “Avast below”, “avast, ye scurvy dogs” and “avast, me hearties” are all commonly used pirate phrases. Saying “Avast” is fun. You can even improvise your own phrases. If, for example, while dressed as a pirate, you enter a room to discover your then girlfriend facing away from you and bending over, it is acceptable to exclaim “Avast behind!” Just make sure that you don’t trip over your own cutlass while running away.

3. Black eye-patches. Black eye-patches are great. When you’re a child that gets grit in your eye, you get given a white eye-patch. White eye-patches are surgical-looking and conspicuous, and you feel really silly wearing one until your eyeball heals. If your parents are thoughtful enough to get hold of a black one for you though, you can pretend to be a pirate while you’re at school, thus earning the envy and admiration of your classmates…and teachers.

4. Equality. Pretending to be a pirate is an equal opportunity business. While boys are pretending to be Blackbeard, Bluebeard, Yellowbeard or (ahem) Gingerbeard, girls needn’t be relegated to the role of pirate wenches. There’s a grand tradition of women pirates, from Lady Mary Killigrew through Charlotte de Berry to Anne Bonny, budding girl-pirates have loads of great role-models to look up to. Girls can’t be cowboys or spacemen, but they can be pirates.

5. Shanties. Sea shanties are brilliant. They’re tremendously evocative and a lot of fun to sing. You can’t sing sea shanties when you’re not dressed up as a pirate though, people will look at you funny and tell you to stop. They may even try to lock you away. We’re fairly certain that you’re not dressed as a pirate right now so, if you don’t believe us, stand up and sing this aloud.

Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Drink and the devil had done for the rest

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

The mate was fixed by the bosun’s pike

The bosun brained with a marlinspike

And cookey’s throat was marked belike

It had been gripped by fingers ten;

And there they lay, all good dead men

Like break o’day in a boozing ken

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Wouldn’t that have been better if you were dressed as a pirate?

6. Required. Pirates arrrr cool.*

7. Costumes. When else does a straight man get to wear frilly shirts, tight trousers, thigh-high leather boots and flamboyant hats? Never. Unless they dress up as a Highwayman, and that would be silly.

*It is the law that you use this joke whenever pirates are mentioned.

November 29, 2009
7 Reasons We Fall Asleep

1. Bob Willis. I guess Bobby is most famous for destroying the Australian batting line-up at Headingley in 1981 (and being continually overlooked for this feat since). These days he would probably be described as a cricket analyst/commentator. Sadly, I have no idea whether he is any good or not, because, within half a minute of hearing his voice, I am out for the count on the chaise longue. Mr. Monotone is the sleep doctor.

2. Sunday. Everyone sleeps on a Sunday afternoon. It’s a rule. Sunday lunch followed by a Sunday sleep. As a child it is the first time you hear your Mum snore. Instead of having to hear it again, you decide to learn to sleep on Sunday afternoons too.

3. Cinema. It might be the darkness or the comfy seats or the lack of fresh air or the mind-numbingly boring plot that makes your eyelids feel heavy, but whichever it is, soon you find yourself struggling to stay awake. This never happens at a gig or in the launderette or in the queue at Tesco. So why does it happen after you’ve just paid £10.50 on a ticket plus a small fortune on popcorn and a ridiculously giant sized coke that doesn’t fit in the bloody cup holder?

4. Travel. Okay, so strictly speaking you are not actually asleep. It’s impossible to sleep next to this guy. He has been talking to everyone, shifting around in his seat and crunching nuts ever since you left. And you’ve got seven more hours of this to put up with. The one thing you can do is pretend that you’re asleep. Maybe if you do that and everyone else does that, he’ll eventually fall asleep himself. Then you can gag him and lock him in the toilet.

5. Grandparents. Another one of life’s mysteries is why your grandparent’s home is always ten degrees warmer than anywhere else. Even if it’s a sunny, warm May afternoon, they still having the heating on. Not only do you end up stripping down to your sweat soaked string vest but the heat also saps your energy. Before you know it you have fallen alseep with your head resting atop the pork pie.

6. Fancy Dress. Is there anything better than the person who really wants to win the Fancy Dress competition? Not only have they spent hours on their costume, they are prepared to act the part as well. Which is why you are delighted they have come as Sleeping Beauty.

7. Reading. Now reading can be fun. I know, I have done some fun reading myself. What is not fun is reading about how fun reading can be. So I’ll stop. Also into this category falls reading about what makes you sleep. Of course – as this post will testify – it very much depends on how you write it. The fact that you are still awake is testimony to my literary skills. But what if you were to try and read this? Seven pages on the topic of Why We Sleep. Good luck. I’ll wake you later.

November 28, 2009
7 Reasons Not to Have Children

1. Toys. There are toys everywhere. If you have children, you have to get rid of your toys and replace them with stuffed animals and pushchairs.

2. The Zoo. Adults don’t take other adults to the zoo, they only take children there (a lot). If you don’t have children then you don’t have to go to the zoo. This is a good thing as zoos are expensive and alternately boring, terrifying, disgusting and smelly. You can see far more interesting animals acting naturally in their own environments by watching David Attenborough documentaries from the comfort of your own sofa. You can eat a sandwich while you do this. Would anyone want to take a sandwich to the zoo? Of course not, a monkey would probably throw its poo at you while you were eating; a monkey in a cage that has nothing better to do. Who wants to visit the animal prison? Not me.

3. Sport. Sport’s a lot better when you don’t have children. If you participate in a sport on a regular basis then your spouse will rarely come to see you, and will take little interest in your performance when they do. This is good, as you can exaggerate your sporting prowess in years to come. When you have children, however, they will often get taken along to matches. This is bad, as children can be observant and cruel. If, for example, you turn out for a rugby team and are particularly injury prone, then having children is a very bad idea. They stand on the sidelines watching you make your return to the team after a lengthy lay-off and, ten minutes into the match, when you break yet another bone (the collar-bone, for example), they exclaim “Christ! He’s the Evel Knievel of Seaford Rugby Club”. In years to come they will complain that they spent most of their childhood weekends in the Casualty Department waiting room while you went for stitches or to have a broken collar-bone/arm/ankle/ribs(3 times)/nose(monthly)/shoulder treated. For the next twenty-five years or so their resentment at their lost childhood will manifest itself as a series of reminiscences at family gatherings whenever you mention your sporting career. “Was that the match when the nurse gave us chocolate?” one of your children will enquire, “No, it was the match when the ambulance crashed into the van” another will reply. Children are so cruel that they may eventually write about it on a website.

4. Butt-Power. A small child will jump up and run to the centre of the café you’re dining in and, thrusting his right arm heavenward, shout with all the volume he can muster, “Butt-Power!” for no apparent reason. The other customers will all turn to stare at you, the parent. This is embarrassing.

5. Money. Parents often complain about the costs involved in owning a child. We’ve all witnessed first-hand how expensive children can be. In the supermarket, harassed, distracted parents pushing a trolley full of the weekly shopping often miss several of the items that their mischievous progeny surreptitiously add to the trolley. Nuts, biscuits, jam, cotton wool balls, muffins, string, children don’t care what they’re putting in there, they’re just “helping”. Let’s say they get away with £5 of extra items per week, multiply that by the fifty-two weeks of the year and then multiply it by the eighteen years until they are grown-up. That’s almost £5000 pounds worth of stuff that you don’t need. That’s a lot. That’s 5000 lottery tickets you could have bought.

6. Hair loss. Each generation grows successively taller, so your children are probably going to be taller than you. This means that they will be able to see your bald spot. They will draw it to everyone’s attention and call you “Baldy”.

7. Harry Potter. If you don’t have children then you don’t have to have anything to do with Harry Potter. You don’t have to see the films, you don’t have to read the books, you don’t have to play the computer games, you don’t have to queue for hours outside Borders in the rain waiting for the latest edition, you don’t have to know anything about witches, warlocks, muggles, fairies or quidditch, you don’t have to talk total guff. No children: No Potter.

November 27, 2009
7 Reasons The British Know Thanksgiving Must Be Important To Americans

1. Where the hell is Wichita? Whole Hollywood movies are based around the theme of trying to get home for Thanksgiving and feature scenes in which the lead shares a bed with John Candy. Most other films with the theme of trying to get home, feature daring escapes from Colditz and shenanigans with a French Resistance fighter called Michelle in a bunk-bed somewhere outside Paris. So yes, if they make films about Thanksgiving, we know it’s important.

2. Happy Thanksgiving y’all!!! Such words are dominating Twitter at the present time. We haven’t seen the like of it since Balloon Boy didn’t fly. Even that naughty Britney girl is having a day off from following people. Oh hang, no she’s not.

3. He’s over the 40…the 30…the 20…no one’s going to catch him! Touchdown! That’s right, the football is on. And it’s a Thursday. Everyone knows the football (the kind you use your hands to play) is a Sunday and Monday night sport, so playing it on a Thursday must mean it’s a special day. We liken it to the Boxing Day Test Match – a much more delightful event that doesn’t include spiking.

4. Phone in now. If you’ve been listening to Simon Mayo on BBC Radio 2 this week, you’ll know he has been celebrating Thanksgiving by getting people to call in and tell him what they are thankful for. I have no idea why he’s doing this. Simon Mayo is not American. Neither are his listeners. But anyway, if Britain’s most popular radio station is celebrating it, it must be big. Though incredibly frustrating for someone like me who very much doubts that American DJs ask people to call in on St. George’s Day and tell the nation about the last time they fought off a dragon.

5. The one with the Thanksgiving. Yes, in at number five is the ever popular sitcom Friends. Every sixth episode of Friends features Thanksgiving. E4 are almost certainly showing one of them right now.

6. Another slice? We all know that Americans eat everything, but Pumpkin Pie? Seriously? That is some commitment. Especially when you consider that just four weeks earlier, the pumpkins had been used for Halloween. It’s full of molten wax and wicks and all sorts.

7. Oranges. It’s bad enough that Americans have swapped perfectly acceptable English words for their own made up nonsense. Pavement for sidewalk. Trousers for pants. Boot for trunk. But at least they kind of make sense. On Thanksgiving though, logic apparently goes out of the window and any old word is perfectly fine. ‘Orange’ instead of ‘aren’t’ for example. What is that about? And why is it funny to some checkout girl called Rose? Only in America. Over to you Mr. Hanks.

November 26, 2009
7 Reasons to Run Away and Change Your Name

1. The CIA. You are the co-author of a British-based humour website which gets an alarming number of page hits from readers in Arlington, Virginia (the home of the CIA). This scares you.

2. A Fable. Your name is Alan Lupus. You live in a small, unremarkable seaside town in a semi-detached house on the cliff-top. You have formerly had many close friends and been on good terms with your neighbours. For the last three weeks, however, you have been plagued by a recurring vision that seems to you to be completely real. You have seen it several times, all at different times of day. You look out from your living room window and see that a large, heavy buoy has broken free from its chains near the harbour entrance and, floating around unsecured, is causing a danger to shipping. Every time this apparition has appeared, you have frantically roused your friends and neighbours who have rushed down to the harbour to secure the buoy and prevent catastrophe. On all of these occasions they arrive to find that the buoy is safely moored outside the harbour entrance and everything is normal. Your behaviour has caused such a stir that the story has been printed in the local paper and the townsfolk have now begun to point at you in the street. You are being persecuted by your neighbours and former friends. You have brought shame on your family and, thanks to the story in the local paper going viral on the internet, you are notorious. You realise that your only hope of leading a normal life again is to run away and change your name. You are the Wolf who cried “buoy”.

3. Superb Pseudonym. You have devised the alias Fernando Manchega. Pleased as punch with your own cleverness at having devised a non-de-guerre that contains elements of your own name and one of your favourite cheeses, you run away to start a new life in Belize taking your wife, Mrs Manchega, and your cat, Ignatio Peregrine Constantine Manchega, for company. You are confident that no one will be able to track you down.

4. Jordan. Having been introduced to Katie Price you have unaccountably made a good impression. She is now pursuing you with amorous intent. Run man, run!

5. You Have A Dream. Your name is The Great Alfonso. Your father is a circus strongman and your mother is a bearded lady. You have been born into the circus business and your parents are adamant that it is your calling. Since childhood, however, you have harboured a secret ambition and, in the twenty years that you have been a circus performer, this dream has begun to haunt you more and more. You have now reached the stage that you find circus life unbearable. You realise that, for the sake of your sanity, you must act to fulfil your desire. You run away to join the accountancy firm of Baker, Foot and Slee.

6. You are rightly reviled. You are Jan Moir.

7. Sex. You are a trusted and long established Member of Parliament. The publication in the News of the World of your sexual peccadilloes (which make the previous week’s headline that involved a rocking chair, a gymnast and a spotted-winged fruit bat seem tame,) have caused a hubbub in The House, a furore in Fleet Street and a hullabaloo in your home. Your constituents are appalled, your colleagues are outraged and your wife is murderous. You may have earned the admiration of contortionists and broccoli farmers everywhere but this is not enough to save your career or your reputation. It is time to run away and change your name.

November 25, 2009
7 Reasons You Know He Was A Cub Scout

1. Good with targets. This harbours back to the days when he was obsessed with achieving. He was obsessed with achieving because in the Cub Scouts you were rewarded heavily. With badges. Anyone who is rewarded with badges at a young age is going to be programmed into thinking they will always be rewarded with badges. So they keep trying. And he probably likes achieving things three times over doesn’t he? That’s because you could get sports badges one, two and three. Not to mention cooking badges one, two and three. And even badge collecting badges one, two and three.

2. Good with names. Not only is he good at remembering names he is also amazingly talented when it comes to not laughing at funny names. This is because he often had to use the phrase, ‘Excuse me Akela, Baloo said you would help me with my woggle’. If you are not going to laugh at that you are not going to laugh at anything. (What was it with the Jungle Book names anyway?)

3. Good with knots. If his best moves in the bedroom are tying you up to the headboard then you can be assured that not only was he a Cub Scout, but that he also probably achieved the station of Sixer. To be absolutely sure of this ask him to explain what he’s doing. In 98% of cases he’ll explain that a Windsor Knot is the safest kind to tie you down with, it’s strong but easy to undo and is the preferred knot of the Queen. At this point he will rise and salute.

4. Good with navigation. He knows where to go. Whether it’s the middle of the night or the middle of the day he’ll be looking skyward and checking out the stars or the sun. Don’t suggest he uses his A-Z instead. That is a typical female thing to say and you are so much better than that. He’ll also be in a bad mood all day as you have just questioned his manhood. Don’t question his manhood either.

5. Good outdoors. Whether it is pitching a tent or making a fire, he’ll be good at it. You had to be as a Cub Scout. If you weren’t you died. And as he is alive you can assume he’s only dead on the instead. He doesn’t do emotion you see. Oh, he’s probably also very good at Morris Dancing. As a Cub Scout he was always grabbed by the Morris Dancers on weekend camping trips and made to skip around waving handkerchieves and jangling bells. It makes him sick. So don’t ask him to do it. He is all man.

6. Good with his hands. That’s good at cleaning them. And polishing his shoes. He does that with his hands too. And a cloth and brush and polish and stuff. In the Cub Scouts you lost vital points if you had dirty hands and unshiny shoes. He can’t quite remember why the points were so vital, but it probably had something to do with getting a badge for points accumulation. Next time he cleans your hands for you, give him a badge.

7. Good with stamps. A bit like when you interrupt him while he is watching England play rugby by asking bloody stupid questions like, “Ooh this looks a bit rough. Why did that man just grab that man and throw him to the ground?”, he’ll interrupt you while you’re writing a letter and tell you that the Penny Black is the oldest adhesive stamp and was issued on 1st May, 1840. He’ll also add that back then you had to lick them yourself and that tongue cuts were rife. You’ll want to slap him.

November 24, 2009
7 Reasons That Christopher Walken is Great.

1. Hair. Christopher Walken’s hair is amazing, it’s thick, lustrous and full. It’s always slightly odd though. It’s never styled in a way that anyone would choose to have their hair done. Have you ever heard anyone ask their hairdresser for “a Walken”? Of course you haven’t. To strengthen his hair, he pulls it for ten minutes per day. Christopher Walken’s hair is strong. And weird. Christopher Walken’s hair is probably the only thing that can beat Chuck Norris in a fight.

2. He’s funny. Christopher Walken is hilarious. Watch this.

3. The Deer Hunter. Christopher Walken is amazing in The Deer Hunter, managing to outshine both Robert De Niro and Meryl Streep – he even holds his own when performing next to John Cazale, which is the best any actor can hope for. He looks like an angel in the early stages of the film, which makes his eventual descent into despair and ultimate disintegration all the more poignant and harrowing. He actually spat in De Niro’s face in one scene, which came as quite a surprise to a furious De Niro. That’s brave. Christopher Walken is so good in The Deer Hunter that they should have given him more than one Best Supporting Actor Oscar for it. At least three…no, four.

4. He’s a betty. It’s beginning to look like 7 Reasons(.org) has a bit of a man-crush on Christopher Walken. We should point out that ladies like him too. We have shown this clip to ladies and ladies have told us that he is a betty, which is a good thing, apparently.

5. Bond. In View to a Kill, Christopher Walken was the best Bond villain ever, playing a Nazi-eugenics-created psychopath who, when he wasn’t giving drugs to horses or sleeping with Grace Jones, spent his time cruising the San Francisco Bay area in his dirigible, hurling businessmen into the sea. During filming of View to a Kill, Roger Moore had to have his hair thickened every day. Christopher Walken did not.

6. The Watch. Pulp Fiction is a fantastic film, containing many fine actors and performances. Here’s how Walken totally steals the show during his four minutes on screen.

7. Delilah. We genuinely believe that this is what goes on in Christopher Walken’s head.

November 22, 2009
7 Reasons to go to The Cinema

1. You are a basketball scout. Where better to find abnormally tall people to play in your team? They’re always at the cinema, usually in the seat immediately in front of you.

2. Gauge your normality. When, during the scalping scenes in Inglourious Basterds, the rest of the audience are gasping, groaning, covering their eyes and looking away while you’re grinning and thinking, “Cool!” you learn that there is probably something wrong with you. And by “you”, I really mean me.

3. Bladder testing. Have you ever worried that you have a weak bladder? Go to the cinema. You’ll soon realise that it’s stronger than you think when you have to stand up to let the same man through three times during a ninety minute film. Obviously, if you’re the man went to the loo three times, you have serious bladder problems, please stay away from the cinema.

4. Be cool. In my experience, there’s nowhere better to discover the latest, most fashionable, ringtones than when watching a film at your local cinema. Going to the cinema helps you to stay down with the kids. Innit.

5. Sound. Cinemas have the most amazing surround sound systems, with speakers mounted everywhere and subwoofers the size of Highland cows. The sheer mind-boggling array of whooshing noises in the cinema is worth the admittance price alone. And that’s just low-budget independent art films. Hollywood blockbusters have ninety times as much whooshing and the full panoply of rumbling too. All the way from deep rumbling that makes your stomach hurt through to slightly less deep rumbling that makes your teeth hurt. Brilliant.

6. Popcorn. Popcorn costs a small fortune, has the texture of polystyrene chips and the flavour of a cardboard box. It is served in a bucket. How superior do you feel when watching your fellow cinema-goers consume it? It’s a shame you can’t bottle that feeling.

7. Peace and quiet. Sometimes it’s hard telling people to stop talking, that you’d just like some peace and quiet. Saying “I don’t care what happened in the office, please stop bothering me with the minute by minute account of your day” makes you appear mean and there are often recriminations. If you take that person to the cinema, someone else will raise their finger to their lips and say “Shh!” so that you don’t have to. It’s always woman in her fifties that does this. No one knows why.

November 19, 2009
7 Reasons Andrew Strauss Should Win Sports Personality of the Year

Andrew Strauss ©SarahCanterbury

1. Mess. At the start of the summer the England cricket team was in a mess. They were a team still reeling on the back of coach-captain issues and defeat to the West Indies. Not a productive environment to be in. But somehow Strauss led them out of the darkness and into the light. From zeros to heroes. From ashes to, erm, Ashes.

2. Form. The general rule with captains, and certainly English captains, is that when you take over, your form dips. No matter how good Nasser Hussain and Michael Vaughan were as captains, they weren’t the same players. And to be fair neither is Strauss. Unlike messrs. Hussain and Vaughan though, Strauss has improved his game. He has been unstoppable in his pursuit of runs. Not just in Tests, but also in the ODI format. A format he supposedly couldn’t perform in. He has bucked the trend to spectacular effect.

3. Team. Not only did Andrew Strauss have to lead himself, he had to lead a team. That’s another ten people to motivate, stimulate and berate. The other contenders this year only had number one to look after. Button. Tweddle. Ennis. They had it easy. Andrew Strauss should probably win SPOTY multiple times over.

4. ICC Muppetry. For some bizarre reason Mitchell Johnson was named 2009 ICC Cricketer of the Year. Did the board not watch the Ashes? Johnson was owned by Strauss. How can someone who owns someone lose out to the person they own? It’s a bit like me beating my Mum to the 2009 Ironer of the Year. Just nonsense. SPOTY will go some way to make up for this. (Strauss losing out to Johnson I mean, not my Mum losing out to me. That never happened).

5. Formula One Factor. Jenson Button was great this year. I very much enjoyed watching him rule. However, he shouldn’t win. Lewis Hamilton won the F1 Championship last year and he was the SPOTY runner-up. It is only right that the same happens to Jenson. Next year Lewis and Jenson will almost certainly be in the same team. Whichever one wins the World Championship can be SPOTY 2010. Fair and simple.

6. Compton Miller. Andrew Strauss won the Compton-Miller medal this year. The Compton-Miller medal. The name just exudes greatness. Anyone who has a medal that exudes greatness should win a large trophy in the shape of a TV camera.

7. Personality. The whole personality bit of SPOTY annoys me. You can be sure that, the day after SPOTY, people will be moaning about the fact that the winner doesn’t have a personality. Of course they bloody don’t. They are not supposed to. They spend every hour of every day focusing on being the best in their field. They don’t have time to have a personality. Interestingly though, Andrew Strauss has one. I know this because he calls people dude. Only people with personality call others dude.

November 18, 2009
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Shave (for men).

Thinking of shaving? Don’t bother, it’s a pointless waste of time and your life will be improved by not doing it. Here’s why:

1. You are on the run. No one that goes on the run shaves. Saddam Hussein – Beard. Radovan Karadzic – Beard. Harrison Ford in The Fugitive – Beard. I don’t know why the authorities don’t draw beards on wanted posters. Fugitives always stop shaving. Why not just round up all bearded men? They did it.

2. Christmas. You are a portly man with white facial hair. Of course you shouldn’t shave before playing Santa. Children will inevitably pull your beard. If your beard should come off in a child’s hand, they will learn in a shocking and traumatic manner that Father Christmas isn’t real. Not only will you have ruined Christmas for them, you will have broken the sacred bond of trust between a young child and society. Eventually, disillusioned, the child will withdraw from society, becoming a loner, a sociopath and, in adulthood, a criminal. Their criminality will escalate until they commit a crime so heinous that they will be forced to become a fugitive and stop shaving. This will be your fault. All because you shaved. You bastard, Santa!

3. Skinny jeans. You wear skinny jeans and a plaid shirt. No one that wears skinny jeans and a plaid shirt shaves.

4. You are a Nazi. None of the crew of a U-boat shave at sea, so they end up with beards at a similar stage of development. We have learned from movies that the more ardent a Nazi the submarine’s Political Officer is, the poorer and sparser his beard growth is. This makes him appear less masculine than the rest of the crew and marks him out for ridicule. Not shaving helps fight Fascism.

5. Turkish barber. You shouldn’t shave if you live near a Turkish barber. If you did, you miss out on the pleasure of having someone else shave you. Who’d want to forgo the experience of having a middle-aged man – shaking and hyperactive from far too much strong coffee – holding a cut-throat razor to your jugular and gesticulating wildly, millimetres from your face, while he asks you where you’re going on holiday this year? Then he sets your ears on fire. You’d miss that if you shaved.

6. Shaving is boring. Scraping your face every day is mind-numbingly tedious, in fact, shaving is the second dullest experience known to man. Why not stop? Then you’d have more time to paint that fence or read this website. The dullest experience known to man is thinking about Celine Dion while shaving, in case you were wondering.

7. Stubble. If you don’t shave, you get stubble. Stubble is brilliant. Stubble is manly. Stubble makes a noise when you scratch it – a noise! How cool is that? Stubble makes you look like Don Johnson. Stubble irritates your wife. Stubble is a facial badge of freedom. Stubble is a bridge between your hair and your face. Stubble prevents you from resembling an accountant. Don’t shave. Get stubble.

November 17, 2009