Category: Posts

7 Reasons to Hate Pigeons

1. Impudence. Pigeons poo on statues. This is disrespectful. They poo on Churchill, they poo on Nelson, they poo on Eros. Pigeons poo on all of the nice statues of people and gods that we like. Pigeons don’t poo on statues of Michael Winner or Margaret Thatcher. This may be because we don’t have any, but if we did, pigeons probably wouldn’t poo on them, because pigeons are horrid and annoying.

2. Freeloading. We regularly hear stories (some of us have even witnessed this) of pigeons using London Underground trains to get across London. Do they pay for this? No. These sponging vermin are using our transport system at our expense. They didn’t help build it and they don’t contribute anything to its maintenance or running costs. I have to carry an Oyster Card, so should they. Let’s staple Oyster Cards to them.

3. Imagery. Pigeons are oft described as “winged rats.” That’s “rats,” terrifying pointy-faced, sharp-toothed creatures. That’s “winged,” which is one of the scariest words in the English language when pronounced as a word of two syllables, “wing-ed.” “Wing-ed rats.” It makes me shudder.

4. Idiots. Pigeons attract idiots. Look at this American woman in the Piazza San Marco, Venice. She’s in one of the most beautiful parts of one of the world’s loveliest cities and she’s fascinated by the pigeons. She’s clearly an idiot. She could be looking at the Basilica, she could be looking at the Doge’s Palace, she could be looking at the Procuratie Vecchie but no, she’s looking at pigeons. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid bloody pigeon-woman.

5. War. Pigeon excrement was the only known source of saltpetre (potassium nitrate) in 16^th century England. Saltpetre is an essential ingredient in gunpowder, so if your Tudor house was damaged by canon-balls or if your copotain hat was knocked from your head by musket-shot five-hundred years ago, you can blame pigeons.

6. Emasculation. Wood pigeons are the larger, nobler cousins of the urban pigeon. Historically these creatures, with their quite pleasant and distinctive call, have been content to live in trees far away from people (who do not live in trees). Recently though, a pair of these creatures have moved in near to a house belonging to a friend of mine. Their favourite game is to poo on the love of his life (his shiny, expensive German car) and then to sit on his garden fence cooing at him. They do this every day. Not unnaturally, this makes him very cross. If he could get hold of them, he would probably tear their heads off in a murderous rage, but every time he approaches, they casually retreat to a safe distance and continue taunting him. It is because of this that he is now known as The Pigeons’ Bitch. And because of me, obviously. He should never have told me.

7. Profiteering. The use of a fleet of trained carrier pigeons was instrumental in the allowing the Rothschild banking family to make vast fortunes during the Napoleonic wars. They were able to manipulate financial markets for their own gain, based on having exclusive access to early information about the results of battles. Pigeons filled the bankers’ wallet (the Reverend Spooner himself would have been proud of that one, and astonished by the mental image).

December 11, 2009
7 Reasons to Make Your Own Calendar

1. Dates (Women). You can put important dates on it so that your partner won’t forget them. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, he’ll never forget them if you put them on a calendar.

2. Credit Crunch. As a result of the new-austerity, we’re all looking for gifts that are cheap and thoughtful. A personalised calendar is inexpensive and lets people know that you’re thinking of them. Also, if you haven’t been affected by the credit crunch and want to remind your friends of this, you can put your holiday pictures from The Maldives on it.

3. Skippy. You can give your friends and relatives a calendar with twelve pictures of your dog, Skippy, on it. It’s not like showing them a picture of Skippy, or posting it on Facebook, where they’ll only look at it once. If you give someone a calendar they can look at Skippy for a whole year. He’ll be there every time they look at their kitchen wall; chasing a ball, slavering, wearing a Santa hat, chasing a stick, poking his tongue out, chasing a Frisbee, drinking his water, sitting, standing, jumping, running, sleeping, lying on his side, Skippy’s there all year!

4. Dates (Men). You can put important dates on it so that your partner won’t forget them. Sporting events, beer festivals, Xbox 360 game release dates, she’ll never forget them if you put them on a calendar

5. Customisability. In your own calendar you can make the months as long or as short as you want. On my calendar, June is fifty days long and February is only six. This is a huge improvement as I loathe the cold, winter weather and I can spread my family’s many June birthdays over a longer time period, making the June glut of present-buying more financially manageable. I’m fairly certain that you can use this method to make a prison sentence shorter and make payday nearer too.

6. Revert. Tired of the Gregorian calendar? Feel that the implementation of the 1582 Papal decree was heavy-handed and had a poor consultation process? Never mind, if you make your own, you can revert to the Julian calendar and say “Up yours!” to Pope Gregory XIII.

7. Reasons. You can make your own 7 Reasons calendar with your favourite reasons on it. As long as it’s for personal use we don’t mind, cut and paste away. Send us an email if you want a copy of our logo and let us know how you got on. You can even send us a copy if you like. Then we won’t have to look at Skippy next year. Again.

December 9, 2009
7 Reasons To Love The Letter A

1. A is for Amore. You can say what you like about the Italians – and I usually do – but when it comes to love they have a good word for it. In fact it’s a beautiful word. One that actually makes it look as if you are kissing when you say it. Saying the word ‘love’ makes you look like a goldfish.

2. A is for Apple. When I was much, much younger I always used to fret over how I would remember the alphabet. Thankfully some bright spark came up with the idea of teaching me words to go with the letters. Which was brilliant. Soon enough I knew 26 new words. All starting with a different letter. Unfortunately, I still didn’t have a bloody clue which order they went in.

3. A is for Abracadabra. The biggest trick Paul Daniels ever pulled was convincing me and a bunch of my friends to whip our wands out one break time and wave them around the playground in an attempt to magically make the school disappear. It didn’t and the girls ran away. That was during the morning break. By the afternoon break my wand had been snapped in half by a girl called Lousie who accused me of making her scrunchie disappear. She was a right nutter. I imagine she’s quite butch these days. She’s never getting her scrunchie back.

4. A is for Scandinavian music. Sweden gave us Abba and Ace of Base. Norway gave us A-ha. Denmark gave us Aqua and Alphabeat. Finland gave us a rest.

5. A is for Airplanes. Without them we wouldn’t have a carbon footprint. This would be a great loss to my lounge. It’s very much a centerpiece.

6. A is for Audrey. Only two people in the history of the world have ever been called Audrey. And one of them wasn’t even real. The real Audrey was of course Audrey Hepburn. Has there ever been a more beautiful, intelligent and funny Belgian-Dutch-British-Irish-American-Swiss woman? No is the answer you are looking for. The fake Audrey was of course Penelope Keith. Or Audrey fforbes-Hamilton as she was more commonly known for a few half-hours between 1979 and 1981. She had no American in her what-so-ever. Though in the form of Richard De Vere she supposedly had a little Polish-Czech in her once in a while. Once they were married obviously.

7. A is for Ox. Don’t ask me. That’s the Egyptians for you. Apparently the letter A can be traced back to a pictogram of an ox head in Egyptian hieroglyphs or the Proto-Sinaitic alphabet. No, I don’t have a bloody clue what that is either. What I do know is that whoever traced it back probably got it wrong. Surely O is for ox?

December 8, 2009
7 Reasons to Shop Online

1. Queues. Sometimes, shops are busy and there are long queues. Having spent the previous ten minutes standing in a queue for the checkout, many people are taken by surprise when they are asked for money. Once they get over the shock of this unanticipated event, they proceed to spend an inordinate amount of time fumbling for cash, cards or vouchers in their pocket, wallet or handbag (sometimes all three), thus making everyone else’s wait in the queue even longer. Approximately 50% of the people in the queue will do this. When an online shop is busy, their servers are sometimes slow, which causes pages to load slowly. This gives you time to practice drumming on the desk or to sing show-tunes from Fiddler on the Roof which, on balance, is better than murdering idiots in Borders.

2. Scary Man.

I saw this man at the shops.

3. Creativity. If you have too much beer, you can’t go shopping. You tend to stumble about, get distracted and forget things. You may even fall over or get asked to leave the shop. When shopping online though, drunkenness is a virtue, as it lowers our inhibitions and brings our creative tendencies to the fore. In the same way that all of the best ideas happen in the pub (and are sadly often forgotten), all the best shopping ideas occur when under the influence. Why buy your partner perfume or aftershave, lingerie or underpants in a shop when you can have a few beers and get them a pan in the shape of a fried egg, a map of New Zealand, an illuminated bust of Beethoven and a biography of Charles Lindbergh? You can also get yourself a new bicycle while you’re at it.

4. Happy cat. When you have to go to the shop for groceries, you tend to pick up a couple of tins of cat food at a time. When you shop online, you stock up. The monthly online grocery shop is like Christmas for cats.

5. Attire. When you visit the shops, you have to dress normally, or people will point at you and security guards may follow you around. When you’re shopping online, however, you can wear whatever you want. If you’re fond of hats, you can wear a pith helmet, a Davy Crockett hat, a top hat or a straw boater without feeling at all self-conscious. If you’re not fond of hats, you can wear whatever costume you like. You could dress up as a Louis XVI or a pirate – you could even dress up as a bear, though this might hamper your ability to use the keyboard and may cause you to order too much salmon.

6. Teenagers. The over-made-up 15 year girl at the Superdrug checkout who hates you for reasons that you don’t understand doesn’t scowl at you, and sigh when you tell her that you don’t require a bag, when you shop online. You may not recall treading on her puppy but at some point during a transaction with her, you will wonder if you have.

7. Christmas. When you shop online your senses aren’t assaulted by gaudy decorations, flashing lights, glittery stuff or baubles, unless that’s what your own home looks like, in which case you probably won’t mind. You will not bang your head on all of the decorations which were hung from the ceiling by an inconsiderate short-arse (for blind people this is a serious issue) and you will not have to listen to Stop The Cavalry once, let alone thirty times. I hate Stop The Cavalry so much that I’m tempted to write Stop The Stop The Cavalry. I probably will do, in a queue in a shop while waiting for people who’ve just discovered that they need to exchange money for goods.

December 7, 2009
7 Reasons not to Dance

1. Marital Disharmony. In the Edwardian era, dancing was a gentle affair and the worst thing that could happen while dancing with your wife was that you might tread on her foot. This may have led to some resentment, but nothing that would distract a man from guzzling brandy and smoking cigars in his library or waxing his moustache in the bathroom. Modern dancing, however, is less well structured and far more vigorous. These days, when dancing after a sherry or two, it’s all too easy to inadvertently stumble and face-plant your partner onto the dance-floor. This can lead to months of tutting, silences and chores that urgently need doing on a Saturday afternoon.

2. Deviance. George Bernard Shaw said that dancing is the “…vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” This is a fair statement. Salsa dancing and the Tango, for example, have a degree of eroticism that would seem to indicate carnal intent. What though, should we make of Riverdance? What could the stiff, immobile arms and motionless head, neck and upper torso in combination with the preposterous, maniacally-flailing leg movements of Riverdancers indicate that they want to do in the bedroom? Whatever it is, I don’t want any part of it, and I don’t want to hear it through the wall either.

3. Death. Ah, the Tango; that moody dance from Argentina; so sensual, so visually arresting and so beloved of film-makers. If you meet a lusty, long-limbed, raven-haired, wild-eyed beauty, under no circumstance should you dance the Tango with him/her because, as we have learned from Hollywood movies, you will die. It’s one of the rules of cinema that if you dance the Tango in a film you will be stabbed or shot by your partner’s jealous lover/former lover, usually in an alley outside a Buenos Aires dance hall.

4. Geography. This is a map of where your feet need to be when dancing. If you don’t understand this diagram (and I think that’s all of us) you shouldn’t be dancing. Who knows what could happen or where you might end up? If you do understand this diagram then your chances of meeting a dance partner are negligible, by the way.

5. Strictly No Dancing. Ballroom dancing is a great reason not to dance. If you have no desire to paint yourself orange and dress in tight, sequinned, garishly-hued, puff-sleeved creations (the ladies outfits are even more preposterous) and twirl around with your teeth clenched then you should avoid ballroom dancing at all costs. Not ballroom dancing also minimises your risk of having to go to Blackpool.

6. Boycott. One of my local bars has a sign that says “Do not take lasses onto the dance floor”. There’s no way you should go and dance without taking your lass, so we boycott dancing at this venue.

7. Weddings. If there is an occasion that you shouldn’t dance at it’s a wedding. If you do anything freakish or memorable on the dance floor in front of the friends and family that you rarely see, you will forever be defined by it, as witnessing whatever it was that you did on the dance floor will be your extended family’s shared experience of you. They will bring it up at every social occasion you attend from that moment on, and if you don’t believe me, ask Sweaty Uncle Richard.

December 5, 2009
7 Reasons The Tiger Woods ‘Story’ Is Annoying Me

1. It’s All In The Name. Half the people commenting on this story don’t even know who Tiger Woods is. I have lost count of the number of times I have seen his name written Tiger Wood or Tiger Wood’s. There are two things that really annoy me in life. Spelling names incorrectly is one of them. How hard can it be? There should be a rule. Only people who can spell properly are allowed to live. (The second thing that annoys me is when people ask, ‘Are the US/Australia/France/Bognor-bloody-Regis ahead or behind us in time?’ It’s simple geography people).

2. The Jokes. They are quite frankly rubbish. They’re obvious, poorly written, usually spelt incorrectly and not funny. Ten minutes after news of his car crash broke, everyone in the world had come up with, ‘What’s the difference between an SUV and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball!’. So why then are people still posting it? Just shut up the lot of you.

3. Here, There and Everywhere. It’s dominating all media outlets. There are reports in the news, sport and entertainment sections. And they all say the same bloody thing. ‘Tiger Woods may or may not have had sexual relations with cocktail waitresses.’ Firstly, I don’t care. Secondly, it isn’t news. You may as well write, ‘Jonathan Lee may or may not have had sexual relations with a cocktail waitress,’ for all the fact that the statement contains.

4. It’s Not Happening. If the allegations are true, a few people will be outraged. But that’s it. No one is going to make an example out of him. Tiger is too big a star to be dropped by those who sponsor him. Not even Nike. Nike need Tiger more than he needs them. This is the world we live in. I don’t care whether you like it or not. It’s a fact. Nothing is going to change so get over it. Stop wasting your time by drawing up pointless petitions asking Nike to drop him. It. Will. Not. Happen.

5. We are all human. I’ve seen a lot of people say that his transgressions just show Tiger Woods is human. What?! He was a robot before was he? And since when did having an affair become acceptable? If he did have an affair, he’s an idiot. Simple as that. If you think he should be forgiven in an instant, it’s because you have been sleeping around yourself. The fact that Tiger may have done it too, makes you feel just a little bit less guilty. Twat.

6. Tiger Woods’ Downfall. There’s always a bloody Downfall spoof. And it’s always the same bloody clip. Yawn.

7. I’m A Loser. I end up writing about it. Even though I am bored to death of the story, think everyone writing or commenting on it is a muppet and my heart says I shouldn’t join in, I do. The fact is, I know it’s what people want to read about. I know that if I write it this website will get billions of hits. So I have a dilemma. Stick to my moral convictions or put on my business hat. Obviously I have no morals. It makes me sick.

December 4, 2009
7 Reasons to use Photoshop

1. Spots. As surely as crumpets will land butter side down or jam will spill on your new tie, it is inevitable that on the morning you’re attending a wedding, you’ll wake up with a spot on your face. This always happens. The size and prominence of the spot is governed by the importance of your role at the wedding, ranging from a minor blemish (your second cousin’s wedding) through a noticeable carbuncle (your brother’s wedding), all the way up to a puss-filled second head (your own wedding). While there’s nothing you can do about the spot on the day, you can erase all record of it using Photoshop (fortunately).

2. Vanity. A recent survey discovered that 100% of internet humourists use Photoshop to adjust their eye colour.

3. Laughter. This picture is very funny, but Photoshop makes it hilarious.

These people made it

4. Revenge. Ever wanted to exact revenge upon someone for making fun of your spot at a wedding? With Photoshop you can. We have already seen that you can remove a spot from your face with Photoshop, you can also use it to move that spot to someone else’s face, and make it bigger and redder. You can put it on your tormentor’s face as many times as you like. She will then call you a “poo-head” and not speak to you for three days, in my experience.

5. Protest. Protestors often hold up really dull placards. You can use Photoshop to make them more interesting. I tried to do something about the stripy top too, but my computer melted.

6. Deception.The University of Wisconsin couldn’t find any group shots containing any black students so they just photoshopped one in (badly). If they hadn’t been sued by Diallo Shabazz (the photoshopped student), who knows what they might have done next. Removing stairs from pictures to demonstrate their wheelchair access perhaps, or removing images of staff pointing at tall buildings and aeroplanes, to make themselves appear a little more sophisticated.

7. Celebrities. Don’t you hate it when friends bump into Dan Akroyd at the train station and keep showing you the photo? With the aid of Photoshop, you can stop them, by manufacturing a picture of you having tea with the Dalai Lama or going for a jog with Ted Danson. Also, if you should ever bump into Michael Winner, you can remove him from any photographs.

December 3, 2009
7 Reasons To Write A Song About Rain

I think it’s fair to say that this is the only time I have had trouble cutting my reasons down to seven. Usually I have four reasons for something and spend all night trying to think of three more. I will have slept peacefully last night. That’s nice isn’t it?

1. Creedence Clearwater Revival – Have You Ever Seen The Rain? Yes, I have. Pretty much everyone has seen the rain. Write a song about something pretty much everyone has seen and pretty much everyone will be interested. Pretty much.

2. The Carpenters – Rainy Days & Mondays. This makes sense because only people who like rain would like Mondays. So basically The Carpenters were talking about people who should be locked up again very soon. Or idiots as they are more commonly known. You can only make such an opinion known via the medium of song.

3. BJ Thomas/Burt Bacharach – Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head. You can basically admit to being a muppet in a song about rain yet no one will ever pick up on it. Apart from me. If raindrops keep falling on your head then buy a bloody umbrella. Or walk on your head.

4. Neil Sedaka – Laughter In The Rain. As this song aptly demonstrates, if you are a man it is perfectly acceptable to sing about the rain while sounding like an slightly butch sixteen year-old girl. Something that in every other walk of life would be deemed suspicious. And probably illegal in at least eighteen US states.

5. Gene Kelly – Singing In The Rain. Standing in the rain and having a sing-song is quite frankly a stupid thing to do. You’ll get wet and cold and the sound of the rain hitting the ground will drown out your harmonies. But if you are a songwriter then you have free license to try and brainwash people.

6. Supertramp – It’s Raining Again. Rain doesn’t actually have to mean rain. Fascinatingly in this song the rain actually refers to bad times and the fact that they happen all too regularly. Cleverly though, by using the word rain and adding an uplifting tune, you don’t realise you are listening to something that should really want to make you commit suicide until it’s too late.

7. Carole King – Might As Well Rain Until September. It’s a throwaway comment. If you said, ‘It might as well rain until September’, in the pub you’d be scoffed at. Put it in a song though and it’s fine. Helen Shapiro will even cover it for you. As will a Canadian pop duo called Gary and Dave. Seriously.

December 2, 2009
7 Reasons to Cycle Naked

Police in London are currently hunting a naked cyclist. Harassing our womenfolk is not a good reason to cycle naked. Here are seven better ones.

1. Fine Tuning. Chafing can be a problem when cycling. Your clothing, posture, the angle and height of the handlebars and saddle are all factors that can cause chafing in places where you really don’t want to be chafed. It’s hard to tell, when riding, exactly where and how chafing is occurring. If you remove your clothes, however, you remove one of the variables and can more easily make the necessary adjustments to your bicycle. This will help you get to the bottom of the problem (the problem of the bottom) more quickly.

2. Accidents. Accidents happen to cyclists. The naked cyclist, however, will not tear his new jacket when falling off. If hospitalized, he will not have to worry about whether he is wearing clean underwear. If the hospitalized naked cyclist is a lady, she will also not have to worry about whether her bra and pants match.

3. Wide Berth. Studies have shown that motorists give less room to cyclists that wear helmets and high-visibility cycling gear. This is because motorists believe that correctly attired cyclists are competent and unlikely to make suddenly and erratic manoeuvres. People are generally wary and sometimes frightened of nudity (it gives them the willies). Imagine how much room they’ll give you if you cycle naked.

4. The Chain. No, not the Fleetwood Mac song. The bicycle chain is an oily, abrasive clothing magnet that excerpts a mysterious force on your trousers, unerringly drawing them toward the teeth of the chain-ring. This is messy and annoying. If you ride a fixed-gear cycle it’s very messy, very annoying and very dangerous. If you cycle naked you can’t get your clothes caught in the chain.

5. Helmets. At least 50% of naked cyclists always ride with a helmet.

6. Naked Bike Ride. Going on the Naked Bike Ride is a very good reason to cycle naked. You can draw attention to oil-dependency and body-painting is encouraged. Who wouldn’t want to cycle around in the all-together painted as Spiderman or a mermaid?

7. Annoy James Martin. “Celebrity” chef James Martin hates cyclists. Last September in his Fail On Sunday column, he spoke of his joy at inflicting “sheer terror” on cyclists, and boasted of having run a group of them off the road while testing the Tesla Roadster. These lycra-clad cyclists, “with their private parts alarmingly apparent” managed to annoy him quite a lot. If the private parts of clothed cyclists manage to irritate him that much, imagine how much we could annoy this vacuous dullard by cycling naked. Hopefully to the point of spontaneous combustion.

December 1, 2009
7 Reasons To Become An Artist

1. Name. You can change it. To anything you like. Banksy. Hotelsy. Police Stationsy. No one cares. They just think you are cool and will queue up for hours to see your latest graffiti on the toilet wall.

2. It’s A Con. You can do anything and call it art. Take Tracey Emin for instance. No, actually don’t bother. No one is quite sure where she has been. Instead take a look above. That’s Emin’s artwork. My Bed it’s called. The Saatchi Gallery describe it thus, ‘Tracey Emin shows us her own bed, in all its embarrassing glory. Empty booze bottles, fag butts, stained sheets, worn panties: the bloody aftermath of a nervous breakdown. By presenting her bed as art, Tracey Emin shares her most personal space, revealing she’s as insecure and imperfect as the rest of the world‘. This is how Jonathan Lee describes it, ‘Bollocks‘.

3. Entrepreneurship. We’re in a recession here in the UK. You aren’t going to find a job. So become an artist. All you have to do is pop down to the scrap heap and pick up a bit of metal. Whack it with a hammer a few times and suddenly you have something you can call ‘The Distressed Pigeon’. Then go on Dragon’s Den and wink at James Cann a few times. You’ll be a millionaire before you can say, ‘Gordon Brown won the election! What the…’

4. Nudes. Apparently you get to paint nudes if you are an artist. The only reason I know this is because I occasionally walk back from Hammersmith past an art school. Look through the window and all you can see are naked people covered in paint. Someone out there is making a killing on the sale of White Spirit.

5. Van Cough. Not to be mistaken with Van Gogh. Well, actually, yes he is. Rory Bremner makes a fortune spoofing Blair and Brown and the like, so why not become the first art spoofer? A spoofer is very different to a forger. You can get arrested for forging art. For spoofing it you could probably earn £1.56 a week by showcasing your work on a website. You just have to make the Sunflowers look ironic or something. You’ll be a cult leader in no time.

6. Vive la France. You may be French or you may just own a beret. Whichever it is, it is illegal to own a beret and not be an artist. If you are caught wearing a beret while not working in the arts, you will be sacked and forced to sell onions from tights.

7. Drugs. Now I am not advocating taking anything illegal here, I am really addressing those already addicted. There is no doubt that being high improves your creative output. Just look at The Beatles or Brian Wilson or Silvio Berlusconi. Though thinking about it, I guess the only reason Berlusconi got high was viagra. So ignore that example. Viagra doesn’t count. I’m taking about proper Class A drugs. If you are on something, as by the law of averages at least one of our readers surely must be, then maybe think about paying for your habit by drawing what you see in the twilight zone? It’s not like anyone is going to try and find out if you are portraying the truth or not, is it?

November 30, 2009