7 Reasons

Tag: seven reasons

  • 7 Reasons Not to Have a Dinner Party

    7 Reasons Not to Have a Dinner Party

     

    Black and white photograph of a dinner party

    1.  The bad-egg.  At any dinner party, at least one person will behave badly and annoy all of the other guests.  It’s always a man.  Often it’s me.

    2.  Multi-tasking.  Women can multi-task – they demonstrate this by talking during films.  This means that they approach both hosting and cooking for a dinner party with confidence, which makes it all the more tragic when your tearful hostess returns from the kitchen bearing a foul-smelling tray containing something black (possibly the charred remains of a flan) and a bowl of something green and unidentifiable (no idea).  If you want to see a grown-woman cry, you don’t have to go to a dinner party.  You can just hide her chocolate – which is a lot easier.

    3.  Candles.  There are always candles on the table at dinner parties but no one knows why.  I don’t want to singe my arm hair every time I pour some wine or pass the salt.  Why would you want to put a fire on the table?

    4.  Wine.  Guests always bring wine with them, and it’s always the wrong one – a Barolo when the main course is a delicate fish dish, or a New Zealand sauvignon blanc to go with lamb.  Why can’t guests just do something useful and bring dessert with them?  Or not come?

    5.  Cheesecake.  A plain, unadorned cheesecake is one of the best desserts ever.  I don’t want cheesecake made with Baileys, I don’t want cheesecake made with fruit, nor do I want cheesecake made with chocolate.  What I would like is cheesecake made with cheese.  And cake.  Don’t tell me that I’m getting a cheesecake for dessert and then bring me something made with gooseberries and covered in sauce!  Why can no one hosting a dinner party resist cocking up a cheesecake?  Is it the law?

    6.  Children.  I was brought up in a house that often hosted dinner parties – at least one a month – but I don’t think that my siblings or I even caught sight of one until we were eighteen years old.  No one has ever successfully explained why children are banished from dinner parties to me.  Is it because of the candles?

    7.  Restaurants.  There are places where a group of people can sit around a table and eat wonderful food – made to a higher standard than they could manage themselves – they’re called restaurants.  The diners don’t have to get up to fetch courses, drinks or cutlery and they don’t end up with candle-wax on their carpet.  You can choose what you want to eat and drink rather than have your courses compromised by your friends bizarre and varied dietary requirements, children don’t have to be hidden – they can be taken with you or looked after by a babysitter – and you don’t have to wash-up afterwards.  I sincerely hope they catch on.

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  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why The British Should Not Travel To Australia

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why The British Should Not Travel To Australia

    Joining us on the 7 Reasons sofa today is Alexandra Clement-Meehan: blogger, twitterer, Australian and maker of cheese.  When she isn’t looking after her collection of meat or poisoning herself with her own cooking, she can be found writing for this wonderful sports blog, or tweeting – thankfully under the shorter name @splex.

    Picture of an Australian riding a kangaroo outside the Sydney Opera House

    1.  Heat.  It’s definitely too hot here for any normal human being to exist, and I do accept that I am, in fact, calling Australians abnormal – but as I am one, it’s allowed.  Sunburnt English men and women are also not a pretty sight. One would even go as far as saying they’re a bit of an eyesore, spoiling our idyllic coasts and tranquil scenery.  Not that they’re ugly, the pinkness and rawness is just so very… distracting.

    2.  Fauna.  England doesn’t even have real native fauna.  Do they even know what the word means?  Australian fauna is unique to our island home, including all the wonderful spiders and deadly snakes.  Do snakes even live in England?  They shouldn’t.  Too cold.  Maybe they just slip around on the ice.  Ice-snakes probably exist but they’d be unlikely to kill anyone, not like the Red-Bellied Black snake and the aptly named Brown snake.  I should also mention that we have bloody big sharks as well.

    3.  Most of our citizens already live in England.  Case in point: Rolf Harris – he’s an Australian hero.  He took the wobble-board to soaring new heights before anyone else even knew it existed.  You’d be hard pressed to even find a better Australian, and he resides in England, spending his time painting portraits of our* Queen.  Secondly, who would pour your beers and serve you copious amounts of alcohol if not the Australian backpackers?  Who would care for your upper-middle class children if not for the young Australian nannies?  Exactly.  There’s zero reason to leave the Motherland when you’ve got the best of both worlds in one place!  Oh, and you might like to note that most of us are similar to this.**

    4.  Sport.  It can be said that we’re a whole lot better at sport than you are.  In fact, often, we’re embarrassingly better than you.  Case in point: The Ashes 2006/2007.  We definitely won that 5-0.  Even though we were defeated in our most recent attempt, we at least won a test or two.  By not travelling to Australia, any proud English-person can save face and avoid any heckling about their sporting prowess.  We’re not that nice when it comes to sport, because we are just better than every other nation (except at snow-based events).

    5.  Distance.  Everything is really far away and no one actually wants to waste their holidays in small, dingy, probably cockroach infested, coaches.  Here’s an interesting fact:  It would take almost an entire day to drive from the East coast of Australia to the West coast.  Who has the time?  Not even Australians have the time, which is why we don’t, and Western Australia remains the forgotten state.  If one was to stay in England, they could spend their time going to places like Bristol or maybe even the town that Midsomer Murders is filmed in.  It may actually be called Midsomer.  I think John Nettles lives there.

    6.  TV.  It’s safe to say that British television is exponentially better that anything the Australian TV world could ever produce (except maybe Neighbours, but for some reason the Brits love that, which seems strange, because – news flash! – it’s actually a terrible show).  Now that has been cleared up we can continue. Any charming and pithy British television series that reach our shores do so months, if not years, after they have been aired in Britain.  Another case in point: Dr Who.  The recent Christmas specials have only just been screened….in February.  So if any British citizen were to travel, and find themself in a state of ennui mixed with desperate homesickness, they couldn’t turn on the box and see a brand new show direct from the UK.  If it’s television you like, there’s definitely no point in coming to Australia.

    7.  Accent.  Let’s face facts here, you don’t understand what we’re saying and we definitely haven’t a clue what you’re on about – you English and your Cockney rhyming slang!  We have it as well, but it’s not hard to decipher.  We have things like “dog’s eye” and “dead horse” (“meat pie” and “tomato sauce”, respectively).  You have things like “loop the loop” for “soup” – just say soup!  It has at least two less syllables!  But I digress, the Australian accent is a thing of beauty, yet it is misunderstood by most of the English-speaking world.  Upon hearing feedback regarding the aforementioned accent, it’s plain that the English are unsure why we question everything.  We’re an inquisitive nation – you might like to think that’s because we’re descended from convicts and therefore we have simple minds – but we’re not simple, ok?  It’s just that our rising inflection, like our outlook on life, is always in the ascendant and positive.

    *This is what happens when a Pom edits you.

    **Definitely untrue.

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  • 7 Reasons I Can Never Get Mothering Sunday Quite Right

    7 Reasons I Can Never Get Mothering Sunday Quite Right

    Mothering Sunday Uk 7 Reasons

    1.  The Name. My Mother is a traditional Mother. She takes two steps back if I say the wrong thing. And the wrong thing is Mother’s Day. “It is not Mother’s Day, Jonathan. It is Mothering Sunday.” Yes Mum.

    2.  Cards. Apart from having to ignore all the cards which say Happy Mother’s Day in the search for one that says Happy Mothering Sunday, I can never find one which doesn’t make me sound completely effeminate. I am quite happy telling my Mum she is the greatest in the world (because she is), but goodness knows what she must be thinking when I hand her something that says, ‘You are the blooming flower of my Spring, the sunshine of my Summer, the tumbling conkers of my Autumn and the turkey of my Winter’.

    3.  Flowers. My Mum likes flowers. I believe it’s a female thing. The problem is I can never remember which flowers my Mum likes. Sure she’ll say she likes everything, but I know for a fact that that isn’t quite true. She does have her favourites and she does tell me a day or so after the Mothering Sunday flowers have died. So why can I never remember what she said 350 days later? It’s one of life’s cruelties.

    4.  Music. As well as flowers I like to buy my Mum a gift. In recent years I have taken to buying her a CD. She likes The Hollies and Herman’s Hermits. My inability to mentally separate one from the other means she now has four copies of Herman’s Hermits Greatest Hits. Five if you are reading this after Sunday.

    5.  Household Chores. It’s not that I am bad at the ironing. Or the washing up. Or the drying up. It’s just that it is a Sunday. And on Sundays there is invariably sport on the TV. I have a habit of watching sport. Until, that is, I hear the opening of an ironing board, upon which I jump from my seat and race to the utility room where I find my Mum doing the ironing that I would eventually have started when the game had finished. On telling her to go and sit down she says, ‘No, I don’t want these being done at 7pm’. So I leave.

    6.  Cooking. Apparently burning doesn’t go down too well. The really frustrating thing is that when I cook for myself I never have any problems. Put a hungry woman in front of me though and I lose the plot. This year I am going to cook for myself on Friday, freeze it and reheat it on Sunday. What could possibly go wrong?

    7.  I’m Not There. This is probably the thing I get wrong most of the time. It is so much harder to cook the dinner, do the ironing and give her flowers when I am not actually in the same house. Ah well, there is always next year.

  • 7 Reasons Not to Revisit Old Football Management Games

    7 Reasons Not to Revisit Old Football Management Games

    Computer monitor with the Championship Manager and Football Manager computer game logos

    1.  It’s unproductive.  When you’re playing a current Football management game, you can at least try to justify spending all of the time engaged in a trivial activity by reassuring yourself that you’re gaining invaluable insights into the modern game.  All you’re learning by re-visiting an old one is how good everyone used to think Gary O’Neill would become.

    2.  Guilt.  You’ll feel guilty about re-visiting an old game.  And so you should.  You now know who most of the promising players in the game are – this is much like insider dealing on the stock markets – and you’ll feel so guilty about this that you’ll set yourself ridiculous challenges within the game.  Trying to build a Premier League winning team entirely from Belgian players; trying to win the FA Cup with an entirely left-footed team; winning the Champions League with a team of players with silly names (Raphael Wicky, Chung Yoo-Suk, Bernt Haas and Olivier De Cock are always the first names on the team-sheet); trying to qualify for the World Cup with an all-Scottish team – the guilt-induced-absurdity is endless.

    3.  Wayne Routledge.  Your Premier League team’s bête noire will be Wayne Routledge.  He’ll be awesome whenever you play against him.  Yes, the same Wayne Routledge that wouldn’t even get into a Premier League team picked by his own mother.  “Wayne Routledge.  Wayne Routledge!” will be the tortured and incredulous cry that accompanies your heaviest defeat of the season.

    4.  Management.  The managers do weird things in old games.  Arsene Wenger spends money on players, Fergie retires, Steve McLaren is English (I couldn’t resist this video), Rafa Benitez picks a squad using logic and Steve Bruce doesn’t frighten small children.

    5.  Imagination.  Because the old game develops very differently to current real-life football, you have to keep track of them both in your mind.  So you now have two Peter Crouches, both a real Peter Crouch and an imaginary one.  Do you really need an imaginary Peter Crouch?

    6.  Match Of The Day.  Settling down to watch Match Of The Day becomes a confusing experience after you’ve been playing an old game for some time – it’s like watching The Twilight Zone.  All of the wrong players are playing for all of the wrong teams, all of the wrong teams are in all of the wrong leagues, all of the wrong scorers are scoring at all of the wrong ends yet Alan Shearer still can’t find a decent shirt.  Where the hell is he shopping?

    7.  Internationals.  I wasn’t managing them, but England won the 2010 World Cup.  Wayne scored a hat-trick in the final against Italy.  Wayne Routledge.  Wayne Routledge!

  • 7 Reasons To Name Your Son Troy

    7 Reasons To Name Your Son Troy

    Troy Tempest Boys Name

    1.  Looks. When you think of the name Troy, you probably think of the film which starred Brad Pitt as Achilles. Or Stingray which starred Troy Tempest as a puppet. Both are handsome chaps so I am told. (Troy Tempest – who went on to be Scott in Thunderbirds – was modelled on James Garner). Even if your son is a bit odd looking in reality, he will be sex on legs by association.

    2.  Meaning. Troy means ‘descendant of a footsoldier’. If he has pride in his heritage you won’t have to waste money on blister plasters.

    3.  Brand. The name Troy is ready made for a multi-national corporation. You can imagine your son growing up to be the new Donald Trump. Troy Towers. Troy Holidays. Troy Trains. And the really good news is that www.mynameistroy.com is currently available.

    4.  Respect. The name is cool. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. In a class full of Jacks and Toms and Richards, Troy will stand out. Everyone will want to be his friend. He’ll probably be the new Danny Zuko.

    5.  Intimidating. As well as being a cool name, it will also make people cower. ‘I am Troy’ sounds so much more demanding than, ‘I am Justin’. We don’t live in a perfect world. People will look at Troy’s CV and think, ‘I better employ this guy or else he’s going to come looking for me.’

    6.  Friends. Parents of Troy’s friends will immediately suspect you as being weird for giving your son such a bizarre name. I accept that this may not sound like a convincing reason, but surely it is better for them to think you are weird and then discover you are not than to think you are normal and then discover you are in fact loons.

    7.  Mother-in-law. This doesn’t affect me so much as I have a habit of getting on well with mothers, but if you do dread the idea of visiting the mother-in-law I imagine calling her grandson Troy will mean you are only invited round once a decade.

  • 7 Reasons to Paint Your Front Door Orange

    7 Reasons to Paint Your Front Door Orange

    The orange front door of number ten ( 10 ) Downing Street - the British (Britain, UK, United Kingdom,Great Britain) Prime Minister's residence.

    1.  Be unique.  No one has an orange front door.  Have you ever seen one?  No, nobody has.  Having an orange front door would mark you out as an individual – like wearing a pointy-hat or carrying a piano-accordion, but less embarrassing.

    2.  Annoy the neighbours.    Painting your front door orange would annoy your neighbours.  Their houses would be completely overshadowed by your own, which would become the dominant feature of your street.  When giving directions to their own home, your neighbours would have to refer to yours, “You can’t miss it, it’s two houses down from the one with the orange door…”.  They would seethe, inwardly, every time they mentioned it, and perhaps frown too.

    3.  View.  Your house would have the best view of your street, as it would be the only one that you definitely wouldn’t be able to see the orange door from.

    4.  Visibility.  Have you ever got drunk and become lost on the way home?  I have.  Not totally lost – I’m at home now, but lost enough to find myself on the other side of town at 5am heading in the wrong direction – possibly towards Budapest.  With an orange door you’ll at least have a fighting chance:  If you are able to find your street, you’ll be able to find your house.

    5.  Friends.  It won’t just be you that can find your house.  Your friends will be able to find it more easily too.  They’ll come and visit more often.  The exasperatedly-intoned phrase “I know it’s one of the ones down here on the left” would be heard no more and would probably be replaced with the phrase “Good god!  There it is”.  You’ll be more popular.

    6.  Drunk people.  It’s a well known fact that alcohol lowers inhibitions, so your curiously coloured door would probably attract the attention of gregarious drunk people.  This is great, as drunk people can be fun.  They’re often generous and happy to share their tipple of choice with others, usually after declaring their undying love and friendship.  So now your friends will come and see you regularly, and drunk people will visit you too, probably bringing beer with them.  That’s a party.  Woohoo!

    A crowd of Dutch (Netherlands, Holland) people wearing orange clothes and hats with flags
    Dutch People

    7.  Holland.  It’s a well known fact that Dutch people are crazy about the colour orange, so you’d probably be inundated with your local Dutch population.  Dutch people are fantastic.  They’re tall, which is more space-efficient than being fat, and they speak many languages, making them brilliant at communicating with your friends and the drunk people at your constant house-party.  Also, if the national stereotype is even remotely true, they will probably have drugs with them.  And pornography.  So, with the booze, the drugs, the drink and the porn, you’ll soon find that you aren’t just having a party, you’re having an orgy.  In fact, you’re a bit like Hugh bloody Hefner*!  And all because you painted your front door orange.

    *Our legal team has asked us to point out that Hugh bloody Hefner does not have an orange door.

  • 7 Reasons Radio DJs Annoy

    7 Reasons Radio DJs Annoy

    Radio DJs Annoying

    1.  Singing Along. Why do some DJs seem to think they are also singers? I don’t mind them singing along to Phil Collins’ version of You Can’t Hurry Love – indeed I’ll be doing the same – but please switch the mic off first. Or at least get one of the funky little voice boxes that makes you sound like an alien. That would be cool.

    2.  Talking Over Tracks. Usually when the DJ has got bored with all the singing along, he or she will fade out the track so they can talk over it. And usually its not even a comment about the song. It’s to tell us that they have just been given a coffee. And a plain digestive. Thanks. That’s really interesting. Though next time perhaps you could just interupt Phil Collins if we are being invaded by the French or the traffic reporter has just whipped her bra off.

    3.  Inane Comments. Why do DJs feel the need to impart some sort of wisdom after every song? This morning I had the mispleasure of catching the last five minutes of Sarah Kennedy on Radio 2. (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher & Higher by Rod Stewart was just coming to the end which prompted Kennedy to say, ‘Be careful. You’ve ruffled my tutu.’ Not only did I not understand where this comment had come from, the thought of it made me feel quite ill.

    4.  Questions. Does anyone actually answer when the DJ says, ‘Hello. How are you?’ or ‘Have a good weekend?’ If you do I think you will be recaptured soon, so just sit tight.

    5.  Humour Bypass. Most DJs think they are funny. They are not. Steve Wright particularly annoys me. There was a time when I found him quite amusing. I think this must have gone to his head because these days he seems to think he is getting funnier by the hour. Someone should really tell him funnier and fatter are two very different things.

    6.  See You Tomorrow. No you won’t. That is a stupid thing to say. The only thing you will be seeing is a microphone and a set of headphones. The only thing I will be seeing is a radio. You don’t even know I exist. I mean nothing to you. You don’t even know my mother’s maiden name. So stop talking to me as if you do.

    7.  Responding To Lyrics. Note to DJs. It is not always necessary to try and improve a song by answering or pre-empting lyrics. When Brandon Flowers sings, Are we human or are we dancer? I really don’t need you to fade the music down a bit and say, ‘Can’t we be both?’ Nor do I like it when you play Take That and you feel the urge to say, ‘Sing up Robbie’. Just shut up, play your records and go to the news. That’s all you need to do.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: How To Write A 7 Reasons Post

    Russian Roulette Sunday: How To Write A 7 Reasons Post

    The 7 (seven) Reasons Russian Roulette Sunday logo featuring Christopher Walken from the Deer Hunter

     

    Since the inception of 7 Reasons, we have – as often as possible – given our Saturdays over to one of you. It helps mix it up and I am sure it’s always good to have a different tone of voice to enjoy your breakfast with. However, the feedback we always get from our guest writers is, ‘it was really hard to think of 7 reasons’. The answer we usually get from people we approach to write for us is, ‘no, I won’t be able to think of 7 reasons for anything’. Well by way of an education, this is my attempt at showing you how it can be done.

    1.  Everything is a possible subject. Wherever you are, look around you. (Though come back to the screen in 10 seconds because I still require your attention). Whatever you can see could be a subject. A vase. A chair. A window. A packet of chocolate digestives. Just pick one.

    2.  Question Time. Ask yourself questions about your chosen subject. Let’s say it’s a vase. (I haven’t thought about this before. I am writing it as I go. If it goes horribly wrong I’ll rewrite using biscuits, but that won’t happen because I have faith in my ability to write about vases). a) What would I do to that vase to make it better? b) Why is it made out of glass? c) What else could it be used for?

    3.  Answer your questions. a) Make it bigger. Make it stronger. Paint it a different colour. b) Because cardboard would get damp. Because that’s what glassmakers make things out of. c) Holding pencils. Carrying water. Carrying petrol. Knocking a robber over the head.

    4.  Analysis. Which answers do you like better? Which do you feel you could write most confidentally about? Which answers did you enjoy writing more. For me, it was probably the answer to ‘c)’.

    5.  Conclusion. Work out what you’ve written. In this instance I have written down four uses for a vase. Well I can’t do, 7 Uses For a Vase, the poxy website is called 7 Reasons. How am I going to get reasons in there? Play around with it. Make different words the subject of your title. 7 Reasons To Use A Vase. 7 Reasons A Vase Is Useful. 7 Reasons To Own A Vase. And there it is. 7 Reasons To Own A Vase.

    6.  Expand. You already have four reasons for this. Okay so carrying water and carrying petrol are very similar so maybe that’s one reason. You need four more. What’s the obvious reason? To put flowers in. At this point you’re probably thinking that’s not funny. That’s because it’s not. So twist it. What would happen if you didn’t have a vase and someone bought you flowers? Where would you put them? In the plug hole? Probably not. That’ll be a nuisance when doing the dishes. In a glass? A cocktail umbrella is probably better. That’s four reasons. What else could you use it as? Again look around. It’s sunny. You could use it to magnify the suns rays and make a small fire. That chair, the leg is a bit wobbly. Put the shorter leg in the vase. Look at the vase. The shape of it. It makes your face look a funny shape. A bit like those funny mirrors at fairgrounds. What a great way to keep the children entertained. And for free! I don’t have children? So what? We don’t mind lies. This isn’t the Chilcott enquiry.

    7.  Shape It. Suddenly you have your 7 reasons. Write them out. Keep them short(ish). Decide an order. The more obvious reasons first, the wild ones later. Above all though, be you and be your writing style. Then send it to us. Done.

    And that is all there is to it. You want a go now don’t you? Good. We’ll look forward to reading it. (Oh, and if you want to use us to plug your business/blog/twitter account, well Jon is quite happy to take payment, write your reasons and put your name on it. Just don’t tell Marc).

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Women Are Better Than Men

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Women Are Better Than Men

    A few weeks ago we had Emily Clifford on our sofa showing us how it is done. Her post on reasons why men and women shouldn’t converse proved very popular – with women. Because we like women we thought we’d invite Emily back. Unfortunately she has gone AWOL in the Blue Mountains this weekend. Before she went though, she left a note for us under one of the sofa cushions. Jon’s side. It said if we wanted to continue the theme of making women feel superior to men we should speak to her sister. Well one thing led to another and before we knew where we were we found Natalie Clifford clawing at the sofa. We’ve allowed her to stay for the day in exchange for a hugely popular post about the brilliance of man. This is her effort. Oh dear.

    1.  Looks. It’s not my job to say who designed man and woman, but whoever it was clearly had a deadline and spent 97% of their time on the female body. And they have done a pretty good job with it. As for the man, well it looks as if they had a few left over bits and just cobbled it together. That penis thing. I don’t get how it could have gone so wrong.

    2.  Communication. Women are good at this as they can put words together to form sentences. Men are useless. Their favourite word is, “nothing”. As in, “What are you thinking about?”

    3.  Leaders. Men may like to think they are the head of the family but if they were why do they have to ask the woman to do something?

    4.  Multi-tasking. Men think multi-tasking is watching the football, drinking beer and looking after the remote control. In fact it is doing the ironing while cooking the dinner while helping son number one with his homework while telling son number two off for pulling daughter number one’s hair while she was asking mother if she could have a friend to play.

    5.  Better friends. When a man starts dating a woman, whose friends do they hang out with more? Yes, the woman’s. And when they get married, whose friends do they stay in contact with? Yes, the woman’s. Half the time a man’s friends don’t even know he has got married. They just think he went to the pub toilet five years ago and didn’t come back.

    6.  Memory. A woman can remember things like dates. And phone numbers. And names. And ages. And what school the children go to. And what the children’s names are. Men can’t even remember whether they wear glasses or not.

    7.  Vision. I am not sure what it is about men and their inability to see dust. I don’t adhere to the belief that they just can’t be bothered to clean, I honestly believe they are blind to dirt. Unless it’s on their shirt. In which case they give it to the woman to clean.