Tag: Reasons

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Would Be Safe In The Event Of An Alien Invasion

When Sam Murray knocked on our email inbox, we thought he’d come to check on the progress of our chest hairs. Thankfully, he just wanted somewhere to hide. The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming! Erm…here’s Sam.

Frustratingly, Earth's atmosphere had caused ET's breasts to sag.

We have all been there, drifting off into a daydream you begin to wonder what you would do if you won the lottery, how long it would take for you to trap a badger out in the wilderness, or what would happen if there was an alien invasion? Well, fear not as I can answer one of them, no, not the badger daydream but the alien invasion. And the good news is, we would all be safe.

Gone are the days that the most well protected place on Earth was the sweet cupboard or the chocolate box in your house as a child. Here we look at the 7 most well protected places on Earth not only to appease your curiosity but to let you plan the quickest route in your Sat Nav if an invasion ever did happen.

1. Fort Knox. Fort Knox is the commonly used name for the United States Bullion Depository. Understandably very little information about the security systems and technologies used at the Gold Depository is known to the general public but we do know the depository is protected by numerous layers of physical security, alarms, video cameras, armed guards, including; Apache helicopter gunships, around 30,000 soldiers, with associated tanks, armoured personnel carriers, attack helicopters, and artillery. It is rumoured a 3 headed dog similar to the one in Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone is rumoured to guard the entrance.

2. Doomsday Seed Vault. The Doomsday vault opened in 2008 and is located in a remote Norwegian island in the Arctic Ocean. It is essentially a vault which contains more than 100 million seeds representing every major food crop on Earth which is why it gets its nickname as the Noah’s Ark for plant genetics. The vault is protected by an armed guard and if that doesn’t put the aliens off then hopefully the -40°C and the fact they have forgot their thermals will. The vault has also been designed to withstand global warming, earthquakes – 6.2 magnitudes – and even a direct nuclear strike.

3. Mormon’s Church Vaults. The Granite Mountain Record Vault, which is the Mormon church’s vaults for storing genealogical and other historical records. The vault is flood-proof, fire-proof and even earthquake-proof, unfortunately it doesn’t say anything about it being alien proof. The vault also contains 6-ton blast doors and seismic sensors can detect if anyone is drilling to get in which I think will stand you in very good stead

4. Bahnhof’s Underground Data Center. At first glance it may seem to be the setting for Dr Evil latest lair in Austin Powers but it is the home to Internet Service Providers Bahnhof and if you are to believe the media then if anyone needs protecting due to the amount of enemies they have made then it is these guys… I don’t think aliens are amongst that list but you should be safe if they are as the site is an old nuclear bomb shelter, situated 100 feet below a mountain in Stockholm and accessed via foot thick steel doors.

5. Saddam Hussein’s Bunker. Mr Hussein was a much sought after man but judging by his home he wasn’t the most sociable chap. Saddam built an impenetrable underground fortress that could and did withstand bombs. The US military dropped two 2-ton “bunker busting” bombs clean on top of Saddam’s bunker completely destroying the palace above, but not affecting the bunker below which should make you feel safer against any alien attack. Apparently, the shelter was designed by the grandson of the woman that built Hitler’s bunker and came as they called “fully furnished” as they called it in the trade. That means it had its very own power station, water treatment plant and air filtering system.

6. The Tower of London. [Insert funny witticism regarding the crown jewels here] Fortunately there will be no touching as the security measures are very tight. There are tower guard sentries throughout the Tower of London complex and every street and every path leading there is guarded by sentries, 24 hours a day, every day, every night. The safest part of the Tower of London is where the Queen’s Jewels are situated so if you can get in there you have made it to safety. They are hosted on a single-level, on the ground floor inside the Army barracks and with reports stating there are up to 1,000 soldiers based there.

7. Area 51. Area 51 is the most infamous alien crash site and probably the first place they would attack, which is why I have left this last on the list and is realistically the last place you should consider, okay, second last after the sweet cupboard. The borders of Area 51 are not fenced, but are marked with orange poles and warning signs both of which would be unlikely to deter any invasion. But stay calm as there is still hope as the base is guarded by the US military and is their test base for all new military aircraft, including stealth planes, B2 Bombers, F-117 Nighthawks and if the conspiracy theorist are right (and for once everyone hopes they are) a few top secret weapons which means they should be able to defend you.

This article was written in association with Yale composite doors who securely protect you in your home. The doors are manufactured in the UK, adhere to the standards set by the makers of the world’s favourite lock and conform to police approved security standards.

February 26, 2011
7 Reasons The Protection Of The Cornish Pasty Is A Jolly Good Show

You’d be forgiven for missing this news, but yesterday the Cornish Pasty was awarded protected status by the European Commission. Or at least the term ‘Cornish Pasty’ has. It now means that a Cornish Pasty can only be called a Cornish Pasty if it has been prepared in Cornwall. So what? I’ll tell you what. With the help of the tried and tested 7 Reasons formula, here are seven reasons why this is brilliant news all round.

1. Employment. A) All Cornish Pasties will now be stamped with a Protected Geographical Identification logo. That’s a job for someone. B) All those who sell fake Cornish Pasties will have to hire designers to redo their menus and, in the case of ‘Glasgow Cornish Pasties’, their whole identity. C) Those who fail to adhere to the new legislation will be sued. This means more jobs for lawyers.

2. Tourism. I don’t have the facts to hand, but I reckon more pasties are sold each year at train stations across the country than actually in Cornwall. Or at least they were. That now will change. Instead of grabbing your pasty from London Paddington, you’ll actually have to get on the train and head down to the South West. And while you are there you may as well check out Tintagel and the Beast Of Bodmin Moor.

3. Pasty Wars. That pasty manufacturer in King’s Lynn who has been selling bogus Cornish Pasties since 1997 now has a wonderful opportunity. And that opportunity is to create the Norfolk Pasty. Come November we are going to see a pasty price war.

4. The CPA. That’s the Cornish Pasty Association to you and me. After nine years of trying, they have finally done it. They have protected the pasty. Congratulations guys! Have a pint and pie on me.

5. When is a Cornish Pasty not a Cornish Pasty? When it’s not made in Cornwall! At long, long last I can use this joke and people will laugh. They just didn’t get it before.

6. Clarification. You know when you go into your local pub and order a coke and the barman says they’ve only got Pepsi and you say that’s fine? Well, the same thing will now have to happen with pasties. You go into a restaurant and order a Cornish Pasty. Instead of making a note of your order the waiter will now be required to say, ‘It’s a Brighton Pasty, is that okay?’ At which point you get up and leave.

7. Pedants. I expect most of them had a party last night. In fact, I know we did. We can hardly wait to get out there and correct people who order a Cornish Pasty. ‘Actually, it’s only a Cornish Pasty if it has been prepared in Cornwall.’ It’ll fit very nicely alongside my, ‘Holland is not bloody a country! The country is called the Netherlands. Holland is made up of the North Holland and South Holland provinces only.’

February 23, 2011
7 Reasons We’re Delighted By This 7 Reasons Analysis

This morning I was completely devoid of inspiration. Initially I was going to attack a 10 year-old girl. Not literally obviously. I wasn’t bored. And it would be wrong. I mean literately. I was going to question why the girl – whose design has been chosen as the emblem for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee – couldn’t be bothered to use a ruler. Or indeed colour between lines. But as I was writing, I felt a deep sense of shame. It is not in my nature to pick on 10 year-old girls, so I stopped. Instead I googled ‘7 Reasons’ and, lo, what did I find? This beautiful analysis of all that is good about 7 Reasons. I was delighted. Here’s why:

1. Backed By FIRA. It’s news to us, but we are delighted to be backed by the capital city of Santorini. And, having looked it up on wikipedia, we are pleased to say that we reciprocate. Go to FIRA. You’ll love it. Especially the Santorini Archeological Museum.

2. Exceptional Performance. It is highly unlikely that this refers to our web hosts so we can only assume it is a compliment aimed at the robotic manner in which both of us knock out 7 Reasons posts day after day after day. We are just short of 500 posts now, or 3,500 reasons if you prefer. Quite an achievement given that one of us thought we’d struggle to get past 14. (Reasons).

3. Experts That Live And Breathe Furniture. Okay, so the use of the word ‘experts’ my have been somewhat over the top, but we happily accept that the 7 Reasons sofa is a thing of beauty. And this is not by luck, but by design. We took great care when sawing the original sofas in half and even more care when we staple-gunned the two required halves together. The fact that it has lasted eighteen months is testament to our expertise. In fact the only thing we bemoan is the number of lemons that keep falling down the back of the cushions. Along with the cat.

4. Understanding & Insights. I am a little surprised this isn’t Reason One. After all, understanding the world around us and providing insight into a variety of topics is our bread and butter. Without this attitude you wouldn’t now be the proud owner of an orange door, you’d probably still be thinking about dating a polar bear and you’d own The American on DVD.

5. Leading Edge Infrastructure. This is very much Marc’s domain so he deserves the applause. From day one he has only been too happy to tinker with the back-end of stuff and he has done a marvelous job. The fact that none of you (or I) have ever noticed any improvements just goes to show how deep into the back-end Marc has gone. The result is a thing of beauty. When it works.

6. UK & Eire Coverage. We are glad this impresses people and it vindicates our original decision. Jon was very keen to prevent anyone outside of the British Isles having the ability to read the British humour website, but Marc muttered something about ‘impossible to do’, ‘xenophobia’ and ‘write about cricket and we’ll get loads of India-based readers’. That was enough. The website has always had Eire coverage. And the rest of the World too.

7. Partnership Approach. One of the seven reasons that 7 Reasons continues to astound the internet is because of this thing they call a partnership. When one of us can’t be bothered to write anything, we don’t. Instead we watch the football knowing the other will eventually crack around 5pm and rapidly write something about winning a country. It’s probably a flawed plan, but it works. For me.

February 21, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Child Should Not Be in Martial Arts Classes

Given that we have been working in such close proximity for over a year now, it’s amazing that we have never jumped off the 7 Reasons sofa and started scrapping with each other. Today, we had hoped to change that. Instead of the usual three-piece suit, we both came to work in white dressing gowns. It was time to karate chop each other. Unfortunately, martial arts teacher, Deborah Dera, took one look at us and said we were just too childlike to kick each other to pieces. So we took our dressing gowns off and went to have a sulk. In the meantime, we have left Deborah in charge of the sofa. And she has something to tell us.

The boy had nothing on Kung Fu Panda

I know that it is important for parents to find time for themselves. I know that it is important for children to remain active. What I don’t know is why some parents insist that their children are ready for activities that are either a) beyond their physical abilities or b) beyond their levels of comprehension.

That said, I’m constantly surprised (and sometimes amused) when parents bring their children in to our martial arts school and insist they sign up for classes. One look at your child tells me he’s not into it. Here are some of the things we see that you may not be hip to.

1. He’s Not Old Enough. A good martial arts instructor will not sign up children under a certain age. We do not accept children under the age of four in our school. Even at age four, we insist on a free trial class (no exceptions) so that WE can determine if your child is ready. Even still, we once had a mom lie and tell us that her child was four. He just barely made it through the trial class, so we thought maybe he’d be able to stick with the class. As time went on, it became painfully obvious he was not prepared to be in a social situation, let alone in a martial arts class. While his mother insisted he was four, she put his real birth date on the registration form. He was a very young three and a half.

2. He’s Crying. If you are pulling your child through the door while he cries and says he does not want to go in, your child may not be ready to be in a martial arts class. Ok, we get it. Some kids are shy. Those kids will stop crying after a day, maybe two or three – we had one kid who cried for two full weeks before he became the most popular kid in the class. Dragging your child through the door and insisting he cry through the class because you want him there makes no one happy – including us.

3. He Has No Concept Of Hygiene. We’re totally cool with kids needing to go to the bathroom during class. We also know that young children aren’t likely to wash their hands after going to the bathroom (thank goodness for hand sanitizer). What we don’t understand is why they look at us like we have three heads when we ask them to please, pretty please, cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough. I should not have to wipe fluids from my my arm, or face, or floor, after your child sneezes.

4. He Saw The Karate Kid Movies. I have bad news. The movies were cute (even the newest one) but we simply don’t teach the stuff your kid saw in the movies. Even worse? There will be no dramatic fight scenes on the walk home after class. That’s bound to get boring, right?

5. He Can’t Pay Attention. There is a difference between can’t and won’t. Kids who have problems won’t. Kids who simply aren’t developed enough on a mental or emotional level can’t. We don’t expect perfection but we shouldn’t have to spend an entire class finding ways to pull your kid back out of la-la land. Wait a few months and try again.

6. He Saw Kung Fu Panda. Seriously. A parent actually told me that his child wanted to take martial arts lessons because he saw Kung Fu Panda. This is worse than Karate Kid because – if you haven’t notice – it’s a cartoon. Combine this reason with the first one on the list (a three and a half year old still in diapers) and you’re in for a real treat.

7. You Have Unrealistic Goals. Please, please do not enroll your child in martial arts classes if you are not willing to give them time. Martial arts classes do help with discipline and self control, but it usually takes more than a week of classes to get the job done. The child with a history of hitting did not hit you the day after his first class because he learned how to do it in karate – he did it because he already has a history of lashing out physically. Get it?

Want to know the truth? I love ever little runny-nosed, screaming, crying kid who comes through the doors every week to check out our classes. They all bring something unique to the table. I just wish I didn’t have to turn so many away.

Deborah is a full time writer, martial artist, massage therapist, and student of life. She quit her job working with car insurance after 10 years so that she could focus on her passions – including sharing her love of the martial arts with both children and adults.

February 19, 2011
7 Reasons You Need To Improve Your Scamming Technique

I never once felt sorry for Bernadette. I probably should have done. After all, her Dad had just died in a plane crash leaving Bernadette to live with her evil mother. A mother she then ran away from and found safety in a run down orphanage. An orphanage without running water, electricity and warm bedding. In fact the only thing that kept the likes of Bernadette going was the super-fast BT Broadband connection. The truth is though, I didn’t care about any of this. I was much more interested in the money. Bernadette was offering me a lot of it. Millions of pounds worth. That was a lot of tea bags. Which is why I gave her my bank details. That was two years ago. He’s still borrowing my money now. That’s right, ‘he’. Bernadette turned out to be a bloke called Alfonso. I am now partly responsible for Nigeria’s heroin addiction and at least thirty-five murders. The only way I can get out of this mess is by winning the lottery. That way I can pay Alfonso the £1 Million he is now demanding and I get to keep my fingers. No wonder I got very excited the other day when this email arrived in the 7Reasons inbox:

Your Email ID won!
EuroMillion Lottery Intl. Program
FOREIGN SERVICE SECTION BARCELONA.
REFERENCE NUMBER: SOXW/HAWIR
BATCH NUMBER: 2011/149 /BMQ

OFFICIAL WINNING NOTIFICATION.

We are pleased to inform you of the released results of the EuroMillions Corporations Sweepstakes Promotion in conjunction with foundations for the promotion of software products organized for Software users.

This Program was held on 16th February , 2011, in Barcelona- Spain. Wherein your email address emerged as one of the online Winning emails in the 1st category and therefore attracted a cash award of EUR1,500,000.00 (One Million Five Hundred Thousand Euros) and an Apple laptop. Your laptop, certificate of winnings and your cheque of (EUR1 500,000.00 Euros) will be sent to your contact address in your location.

Please take note, lucky winners will pay for their courier services delivery. EuroMillions corporations only provides lucky winners with a laptop and the sum of (EUR1 500,000.00 Euros) only. To file for claims of the release of your winnings, Contact the Customer Service Officer with the information below:

1.FULL NAMES:
2.ADDRESS:
3.SEX:
4.AGE:
5.MARITAL STATUS:
6.OCCUPATION:
7.TELEPHONE NUMBER:
8.COUNTRY
9)BATCH NUMBER
10) REFERENCE NUMBER

Email: [email protected]
Tel: +34 634 105 921
Contact Person: Manuel Borreria [CSO]

This Email Lottery is sponsored by Software development firms a Software Engineering Resource Consortium Companies. This internet E-mail draw is held periodically and is organized to encourage the use of the Internet products and promote computer literacy worldwide.

Congratulations!!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Eva Lopez
Online Coordinator

For thirty seconds I got very excited and flexed my fingers in delight. But then I read it again and I realised a few things. This email was a scam! A scam! And it was so easy to spot. Here’s why the scammers drastically need to improve their technique:

1. The Prize. I have won €1,500,000 and an Apple laptop. Obviously Mrs Eva Lopez is trying to stand out from the crowd here. She is trying to differentiate herself from her rivals by offering an incentive to claim the €1,500,000. In an already saturated market place it is a nice idea, but she lets herself down on the terminology. There is no such thing as an Apple laptop. It’s called a MacBook or a MacBook Pro. An understandable, but ultimately telling mistake.

2. The Address. Barcelona. That is far too nice a place to have your winnings sent from. Look at the base of any cereal packet and I guarantee you that the address you have to write to claim your prize is an industrial estate in Uckfield, East Sussex. That’s the way these things work. The scammers have failed by trying to be too exotic.

3. The Reference Number. SOXW/HAWIR. I’m not falling for that. This has quite clearly been copied from Mrs Eva Lopez’s to-do list, ‘Sort Out Xanthium Watering/Help A Witch In Rio’. It’s nothing short of laziness.

4. Courier Services. That’s right, I – the winner may I remind you – has to pay to get the money from somewhere in Barcelona to my lounge. This would never happen in the Lotto. If you win the Lotto Myleene Klass knocks on your door with a massive novelty sized cheque, a bottle of cheap fizz and a camera crew. It might be tacky, but it’s genuine.

5. Personal. The details they request are really rather prying. Take the third request for example, ‘sex’. What do I put here? ‘If I’ve been a good boy I earn the right to have a discussion about the possibility at a later date’? This is private information that should not be shared with anyone else. And quite frankly I don’t think my sexual prowess should stand in the way of €1,500,000. It never has before so why should Lopez think differently?

6. The Aim. As you will note from the bottom of this email, the mission behind the E-Mail Lottery is to promote computer literacy. While this is to be applauded surely Lopez would be better off sending the email to someone who doesn’t really know about computers and thus more susceptible to falling victim to scam emails. That way they may actually try and claim their winnings. Obvious really.

7. Repetition. I had the same email last November. Only a scammer would think that because they caught me out once they can do it again. Idiots.

February 17, 2011
7 Reasons To Buy A Military Icon

Rather disappointingly, Valentine’s Day 2011 went without hitch. I say disappointingly because no doubt you were expecting a tale of pure muppetry featuring me, a lasagna and a cactus. Sadly, such a disaster did not occur. Instead we are going to take a look at some of the UK government’s cuts. You may have seen on the news that a number of military vehicles and paraphernalia are now up for sale. And guess what? You could own them! Here are seven reasons to buy a piece of military history.

1. Chieftain Tank. Fed up with junk mail and Jehovah Witnesses? The Chieftain Tank comes with it’s own 12.7mm ranging gun meaning those front door stalkers won’t ever get within 2,600 yards again. Yours from only £15000.

2. Ejector Seat. At £1000, this is the perfect addition to anyone’s lounge. Especially if you don’t want to watch American Idol, but do want a skylight.

3. Ferret Scout Car. A fairly niche market we admit, but for all you boy scouts out there this is the ideal ferret chasing device. Prices start from £5000.

4. Tornado Nose Cone. For just £500 you could play absolute havoc with the local roadworks. Or you could have a very big ice-cream. The choice is yours!

5. Harrier Jump Jet. The ultimate dinner-party antidote can now be yours with this little beauty. Impress your contemporaries with tales of heroism. Like the time you moved the jet from your garage into the back garden and only just missed the rhododendrons. From £19,999 (exc engines and weapons).

6. FV432 Armoured Personnel Carrier. Are you fat, ginger, bespectacled and spotty? If so, this is for you! Don’t let the bullies get to you, hide in your own armored personnel carrier! With room for ten of your friends (yes, we know, what friends? Haha) this is the most accomplished hideout vehicle on the market and yours from only £3000.

7. Warrant Officer. Want your own bodyguard? Recently sacked by email, these men have a lot of anger in them and are the ideal accompaniment to any war-torn location. Only thirty-eight left. Please note, these men have put their lives on the line and are currently priceless.

February 15, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: How You Found Us Part 3

In this non-too regular, but popular, feature we take a look at some of the phrases that have led people to our site. Sometimes the phrases are pleasing, most of the time they are worrying, occasionally they’re disturbing. Above all though, they are entertaining. And, more importantly, they serve as a reminder that we are actually normal.

1. Phrases you used to find us that we found flattering:

Men

2. Phrases you used to find us that we found less flattering:

Physical embodiment of evil

Strange men at bus stops

Ginger moustache

How do I tell him I want to split up?

Weird looking penis head

3. Phrases you used to find us that we’re sorry we couldn’t help with:

Three reasons Herbert Hoover was bad

Reasons to have a bad week

Dating is like musical chairs

In how many schools in the world do they do detention?

Three reasons you should get a kiss

Different lampshades

How do you tell if you’re going to have a hairy body?

How do I iron a shirt?

4. Phrases you used to find us that we don’t know anything about and nor do we want to:

Hairy chested sex

Boyfriend left me feeling really horny

Nachos in bed

Did Margaret Thatcher like minors?

5. Phrases you used to find us that are just plain wrong:

Hitler

Is is wrong to kiss a stranger’s cleavage?

Cross-eye sex

Women who look like horses

Why won’t my parents let me sleep with a pig?

Six Reasons

6. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for and that we can’t help with:

Dragons with split tongues that are alive

Reflexão sobre a vida

Three reasons why recycling is bad

Reasons to jump long

Muscle makes a face

7. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for but that we were able to help with:

Richard O’Hagan Facebook – He is.

Jonathan Lee Jehovah Witness – I’m not.

February 13, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Japan Is Awesome

We’ve published posts telling us the USA is great, we’ve ignore posts telling us France is great and we already know Great Britain is great, so what’s missing? Ah, yes. Japan. Home of the most annoying game ever invented. I never owned a tamagotchi, but it felt like I had a vested interest in the company given the amount I knew about them at school. Girls you see. They liked to talk about them. And I didn’t have the heart to walk off. Thankfully, Japan have done some good stuff too. As Maria Rainier now explains.

Maria Rainier

Everyone knows Japan is crazy. The reasons why Japanese people are crazy is exactly why they’re awesome. Crazy awesome. I mean, who else has come up with female androids, steakhouses with Mexican cooks, Karate Kid, and Jackie Chan, right?

1. Cute. They are the only people on earth who can regularly make poop look cute. Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo does not qualify, Mr. Parker, Mr. Stone. He leaves unsanitary racing stripes wherever he goes and makes a terribly ugly cell phone accessory. Rhinestones look so much more kawaii on unko.

2. Humour. Their game shows are not only extravagant wastes of money that could probably fund a super smart cancer research team if only their scientists weren’t too busy riding elephant-sized bouncy balls and falling into mud pits, but more importantly, none of the humor is lost in translation. No matter who’s talking, there’s still a guy getting hit in the face with a giant foam log, and that’s funny.

3. Resolute. No one takes a punch like Japan, the only country that’s taken not one but two atomic bombs to the face and said, “Oh, so sorry. Would you like to send over a scientific team to study the damage and not help out the 250,000 women, babies, and old geezers who inexplicably survived your atrocity, and then try to justify it 60+ years later by saying we would have killed more of you had you not done it, even if your planned invasion wasn’t going to happen for two months?” Nah, it’s all good, ya’ll.

4. Sushi. They have convinced the West that eating raw fish eggs and octopus suckers is not only healthy and tasty, but sophisticated, especially if you know how to use a pair of chopsticks. They’re laughing their asses off right now, eating their steak and potatoes with a knife and fork.

5. They Will Rule The World One Day. While Naruto and animated school girl porn are distracting Westerners and turning them into malnourished, nerdy, basement-dwelling virgins, the Japanese are busy with their next invention: an invisible army of flying life-sized Gundam with nuclear capabilities. The Pokemon franchise was a total Japan takeover of the western world foiled by Trey Parker and Matt Stone in their groundbreaking investigative journalistic endeavor, “Chinpokomon.”

6. Vendor. They are the gods of vending machines: hot soup, hot coffee, and panties once worn by hot school girls for your pervy businessman pleasure.

7. Ninjas. And samurai. Mr. Miyagi. Ichi the Killer. Those guys.

Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education and performs research surrounding online degrees. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

February 12, 2011
7 Reasons The 2011 ODI Series Between Australia And England Was Really Rather Tiresome

At last! It’s over! England’s tour of Australia finally finished yesterday after being emphatically thumped by the antipodeans in the ODI series. What better way to celebrate it then than to analyse the disaster?

Straussy didn’t look very impressed when his twitter update appeared on the big screen

1. Predictability. I am just as guilty as you are. When the ODI series started, I thought England might have a chance. You can’t argue with history though and to be frank England didn’t even bother trying. Whoever wins the Ashes loses the ODI series. It is a well established pattern and one we should do well to remember next time. As supporters we waste a lot of energy worrying about defeat, it is much healthier to accept the inevitable before it occurs. I’ll certainly be giving it a go next time.

2. Injuries. It seems fairly obvious to me that the more matches there are, the greater the likelihood of picking up an injury. And I mean both mental and physical. In the past few weeks I have switched on the radio seven times to find out the score and each time I have heard a commentator saying it’s been a disappointing performance so far from England. My heart has sunk so many times I am amazed it’s not lodged somewhere around my groinal area. And there’s the physical injuries too. I stubbed my toe walking downstairs to watch the fifth ODI. That just wouldn’t have happened if the ODI series had been over three games. It’s so unnecessary.

3. Future Planning. It amazes me how stupid the organisers of cricket at both an International and Domestic level are. The World Cup should be the pinnacle of One-Day cricket. Surely you would want everyone from every nation fit, firing and ready for one of the major events in the sporting calender? Well, obviously not. Thanks to the organisers, we, the viewer, has less than three weeks to adjust our cricket watching body clock. Instead of programming our bodies to be awake from 3am, we now need to be awake from 8am. That’s a five hour shift! The sooner the organisers realise we are not robots, the better.

4. Motivation. I’ll be honest, to me it appeared as if it was lacking. Once we had watched England win the Ashes* we seemed to lack the appetite for the rest of the tour. Whether we just wanted sleep or we were bored of playing the same team, our hunger had gone. And that’s not good. Not for us or for cricket. Every single time England play we should be desperate to stay up and watch it. So unexcited was I with the spectacle yesterday, that I made up my own game. The plan was to try and get the previous night’s dishes done before England lost a wicket. I lost. Four times.

5. Ponting. Usually, one would be able to take some solace from the fact that, although we lost, at least Ponting didn’t score many. Instead of that, this series we have had to deal with Shane Watson – a player with very limited abilities – twatting our bowlers all over Australia. And if he failed, Mitchell Johnson would do it. Plain silliness.

6. Heathrow Jubilation. If the England team had flown home at the end of the Ashes I would probably have made the trip to the airport to receive the thanks from Andrew Strauss and co for my support. Because of this needless ODI series though, half the team are already back. Even though the Urn will make its way through arrivals tomorrow I don’t think I deserve the thanks of Andrews Strauss anymore. I just didn’t show the commitment to these ODIs that I should have done. So I won’t be going.

7. It Just Was. I’m even bored writing about it now. It just wasn’t very good was it? And quite frankly, no one cares. Which sums up the point of the series quite beautifully I think. Bring on the Ashes in 2013. And 2013/14. And 2015.

*Get in!

February 7, 2011
7 Reasons To Play The Brian Moore Drinking Game This Six Nations

Last week you may remember that Marc and I failed to deliver our regular Friday joint post. In an extraordinary turn of events we have repeated the trick this week as well. But that’s fine, because it gives me a chance to have a look at one of the greatest sporting events in the calender. Tonight sees the start of the 2011 Six Nations in Cardiff, with England taking on the Daffodil Nation. I could give you 7 Reasons to watch the Six Nations but I am pretty sure we covered that last year** and to be honest, not much has changed. You shouldn’t need to rethink it. Instead I am going to take a look at the commentators. And in particular the joy former England hooker Brian Moore will be bringing to the proceedings. With his passionate views, the words of Moore make this Six Nations the perfect opportunity to have a tipple. So here it is, the 7 Reasons Brian Moore Drinking Game.

1. Criticism. No matter which country a player is from, if he’s a silly boy, Moore will let everyone know about it. Similarly, if he feels a referee has made a bad decision, we will hear it. So, if Moore labels a player a ‘half-wit’ or brands the decision of the referee as ‘stupid’ you have to drink one finger.

2. Scrum. Given that Moore spent most of his career in the middle of one, I think he has the right to harp on about the issues of scrummaging for 80 minutes. And every time he bemoans a collapse, a reset or a wonky feed, you must drink two fingers.

3. Football. That’s right, every time Moore mentions those nancy boys in that round ball game and their rolling around on the floor antics, it’s time to drink three fingers.

4. Passion. Let’s put it like this, Moore is not entirely unbiased. You get the feeling that he’d quite like England to win. And he’s not exactly scared of sharing his passion for the cause. So every time he shows his blatant England bias, drink four fingers.

5. Anti-French Sentiments. Being a proper Englishman, Moore quite rightly lacks appreciation for all things French. So when he comes out which such gems as, “Looks like he’s injured…I don’t care though, he’s French,” it’s time to drink five fingers. And cheer.

6. Admission. On the very odd occasion that Moore views a replay and admits his initial judgement on proceedings was in fact wrong, you must down the rest of your drink.

7. Cut-off. Sometimes Moore can get so worked up about something that his emotions begin to pour out of the speakers. In the past it has led the producer to pulling the plug on Moore’s microphone. Below is the perfect example of what we are looking for. If this happens it is time to refill your glass and down it in one.

Most of all though, enjoy the tournament! (If you are English).

*7 Reasons does not condone drinking to extremes, so if you feel yourself getting dizzy before half-time you may stop.

**I lied. We did not give you 7 Reasons To Watch The Six Nations last year, our guest writer Rachel did. You can read it here.

February 4, 2011