Tag: Reasons

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Watch Eastenders

A few weeks back, Claire Quinn talked to us about freckles. And why they rocked. So convinced were Marc and I by her reasons, that we popped outside to catch some rays. We’ve just come back in to find Claire back on the sofa. She’s watching Eastenders. So while she tells you why it’s great, Marc and I are going back outside.

1. Happiness. Ok I hear you… “Eastenders” and “happy” aren’t really words you ever hear in the same sentence. The deaths, marriage break-ups, screaming public arguements in The Queen Vic and the miserable bloody face of Billy Mitchell might have something to do with this. But on reflection, your life feels a whole lot better!

2. Fashion. Pat Butcher’s famous horrendously oversized earrings, Bianca’s silver puffer jacket, actually I can’t go on; the visuals in my head are causing too much pain. What I do realise though, is that I have impeccable dress sense. Thank you Eastenders costume designer person. Who needs Trinny and Susannah?

3. Money. Who can name me one family that owns their own washing machine in Albert Square? No? I didn’t think so. Neither can I. However, I do own one. Eastenders has made me feel rich!

4. Family. I don’t think it would matter how dysfunctional your family is, watching this soap makes your family feel positively normal.

5. Geographical Knowledge. I am an intrepid explorer! Well I am in comparison to the Enders lot… I mean, I know more than one pub to drink in, I have more than two choices of restaurant to dine in and, well, basically my life doesn’t revolve around 100 square feet. Which leads me nicely onto…

6. Employment. Not having to restrict myself to 100 square feet around my abode, I realise I have a much greater range of jobs to choose from. Thankfully, I am not restricted to market trader, hospitality worker or mechanic.

7. Dirty Laundry. No, I am not repeating myself. I am not talking about washing machines again. I am talking about personal information… Eastenders has taught me that airing your dirty laundry in public is NEVER a good idea. Why would you EVER humiliate yourself like that in front of all and sundry? If I didn’t want everyone to know that I think I am a cat, I wouldn’t start announcing it publicly… oh shit.

May 22, 2010
7 Reasons You Are Wrong Not To Love The 2012 Olympic Mascots

1. Equality. Wenlock (he’s on the right) and Mandeville belong to a young boy and a young girl. Though for quite a while I thought the young girl was also a young boy. But this has clearly been done on purpose to show solidarity behind those athletes who are still deciding whether they should enter the Olympics as a man or a woman. Caster Semenya for example.*

2. Billy Crystal. Okay, not Billy Crystal per se, but the animated character he voiced in Monsters Inc. Mike Wazowski. He was a one-eyed monster and, at first, children were terrified of him. They had nightmares and all sorts. But eventually they got round to liking him. Loving him even. And that is what will happen to Wenlock and Mandeville. They may terrify you now, but come 2012 you’ll be making your own Wenlock outfits.

3. The Future. While we are on that point. This is 2010. The Olympics aren’t for another two years. Who knows what might happen in the next 798 days? We may get visited by Wenlock and Mandeville look-alikes from somewhere else in this universe. They might turn up and fix the whole global warming thing. And the economy thing. And mend your bike puncture. If that happens you can’t possibly tell me you won’t be happy. You can’t possibly tell me you won’t be immediate fans of Hemlock and Manderlay. So let’s have a little perspective please people.

4. Home Life. The boy and girl live with their grandparents. I don’t know why, but I am guessing that this is because, maybe, Mummy and Daddy have gone away for a while. Possibly to prison. Or maybe they were investigating volcanic activity in Iceland a few weeks ago. Either way, their Grandpa George does something very sweet for his grandchildren. He whacks a bit of steel into some quite funky shapes. The children are delighted. Yet all you can do is complain. Why can’t you be happy for them you heartless bunch?

5. The Beaver. Which would you prefer? Wenlock and Mandeville or Amik The Beaver from the 1976 Montreal Games? I for one am thankful our designers are no longer inspired by roadkill.

6. Security. Let’s not pretend that some nasty people aren’t going to think about doing something bad during the games. If we have a load of one-eyed freaks guarding the stadia, I strongly suspect that they may think twice. Especially as I have heard that Wenlock v1.2 will has a laser beam that he can fire from his eye.

7. The Film. Still don’t like them? Still think we should have had a cuddly lion? Well, watch the film. It’s beautifully made, beautifully told, beautifully funny and beautifully optimistic. You beauty.

*I admit this is in very bad taste. I am even a little bit ashamed of writing it. But I really was struggling for reasons. You understand. All complaints should be addressed to Marc Fearns.

May 21, 2010
7 Reasons To Fly A Kite

1. Cats. It’s a well known fact that 80% of all missing cats are somewhere up a tree. 60% of these cats are found when someone accidentally gets their kite tangled up on the same branch. So basically, the morale of this reason is thus: If you’ve lost a cat, buy a kite.

2. Life Skills Training. There aren’t many more annoying things in life than Janet Street-Porter, but trying to fly a kite when there is no wind has to be one of them. Charging up and down the park, dragging a bit of string and cellophane – or whatever that material is – along the ground is enough to give anyone the hump. But this is where perseverance comes in. If at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until the wind comes.

3. You Want To Be David Attenborough. I, myself, have always liked the idea of being a sports commentator. Which is why, whenever I see a dog off it’s lead, I pretend it’s in a Grand Prix. It’s good practice. If you want to make wildlife documentaries, I can’t think of better place to practice than in the park. Preferably one like that in the above photo. You can make insightful comment on the relationship between a giant purple bear and a red lizard without any danger of either of them turning on you.

4. SOS. I know it’s unlikely, but if you ever find yourself on an apparently deserted island, well the best thing you can do is whip out your kite. Fly it high in the sky and there is much more chance of you being spotted and saved before the island monster comes and reads your mind and then kills you.*

5. Hand-eye Co-ordination. If you’ve ever wanted to improve your use of a knife and fork or your ability to text when drunk, then flying a kite surely has to be the perfect practice. Keep the kite in the air, without the strings tangling, without taking out another kite and without walking off the edge of the cliff. The results will be incredible. Don’t believe me? Well, you try using a knife and fork at the foot of the Beachy Head.

6. Chat-up Technique. If you see someone you like flying their kite, all you have to do is ‘accidentally’ run towards them and take their kite out with yours. Or, if you think they’ll provide you with a soft landing, just take them out. The next step is to be apologetic and, before you know it, you’ll be off on a date to the nearest kite repair store. Or the hospital.

7. Watch Retriever. You’ve probably never thought of this, but next time a magpie flies off with your watch, get the kite out. If you are quick enough you can chase after the pesky thing and capture it. Much more bird friendly than a shotgun.

*I might have been watching Lost a bit too much.

May 19, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons Top Trumps

Hello. It’s Jon here. I like your pyjamas. No, I know your not wearing them at the moment. But that’s not the point. Today I thought we’d play a game. And when I say ‘we’ I really mean ‘me’. The game I’m going to have with myself today is Top Trumps. But not just any version of Top Trumps. Oh no, sir. I shall be playing 7 Reasons Top Trumps. With myself. I have two cards. A Jonathan Lee card. Woohoo! And a Marc Fearns card. Boo! Let’s duel.

Drink: Tea v Coffee. So we have Lee with his traditional English cuppa against Fearns with his rest of the world coffee. Verdict: Lee win. 7 Reasons is a British humour site after all. And tea is better.

Sidekick: @SirStraussy v Horatio Pyewackett Caractacus Fearns. It’s the spoofed version of England Cricket Captain Andrew Strauss up against Marc’s cat. Verdict: Fearns Win. Horatio Pyewackett Caractacus Fearns has walked over foil for a BBC Radio 5 LIve experiment. @SirStraussy hasn’t.

Best Rating: +41 v +7. So it’s 7 Reasons Sports Personality Of The Year Was A Joke up against a couple of Marc’s posts that have registered plus seven. Verdict: Lee win. Maths.

Grammatical Errors: 298 v 1. A disgraceful number of misplaced apostrophes taking on the incorrect spelling of Jennifer Aniston. Verdict: Fearns win. 7 Reasons uses the English language. It helps if the writers know how to use it.

Special Power: Self-love v Cow Magnet. A man who fancies himself a bit too much against a man who is fancied by cows. Verdict: Score draw. Narcissism is not pretty. Neither is being buggered by a cow.

Overall Result: 2-2. Well it wasn’t a classic. In fact it was a bit like watching Carlisle play Scarborough. In the end though, it was a fair result. Player of the game was Lee, purely because he had better headwear. Next week we might actually play Russian Roulette.

May 16, 2010
7 Reasons It’ll Be Great Under David & Nick

Yesterday I watched David and Nick in the garden. I don’t know about you, but I kind of liked it. I felt a sense of profound optimism. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am deluded. Maybe my sense of profound optimism combined with my natural optimism has made me go completely loopy, but I think it might just work. I think it might just be great under Dave and Nick. And here’s why:

1. It’s In The Names. The meaning of David is beloved. The meaning of Nick is victory of the people. That sounds good to me. Incidentally the meaning of Gordon is large fortification. Which probably explains why it took so bloody long to get rid of him.

2. It’s In The Colours. Anyone who went to school and paid attention when they accidentally knocked over the blue and yellow paint bottles, will know that, when combined, they make green*. You know what this means. The environment. David and Nick are going to save us from Global Warming. Caroline Lucas must be furious.

3. It’s In The Hands. As luck would have it, David and Nick seem to favour opposite hands. As the above shows, David likes his right and Nick likes his left. This means of course that they have two spare hands that meet in centre ground. Genius.

4. It’s In The Hair. It may be May, but that means sod all in this country. The weather is still unpredictable/predictably rubbish. As I have pointed out, yesterday David and Nick were in the garden. The sun was out but it was chilly and a tad windy. Miraculously though, for forty minutes, their hair acted superbly. Not once did either of them so much as touch their coiffures. It was the kind of strong, stable hair that this country so badly needs.

5. It’s In The Wives. Neither Samantha or Miriam – that’s Mrs Cameron and Mrs Clegg if you are not on first name terms yet – seem particularly keen on the limelight. Which is good. Because they have a job to do. Run our country. Don’t be fooled, David and Nick don’t really know what they’re doing. And they are married men. Their wives tell them what to do. So for the next five years Great Britain will be run by a creative director and a Spanish lawyer. Mandelson and Campbell, eat your hearts out.

6. It’s In The Looks. It’s quite useful that they are called the cabinet because that is what most of them look like. And so they should. It’s brains you need in politics, not beauty. The last thing we need is for Theresa May to be distracted by a six figure sum to pose naked for Playboy or for Ken Clarke to get his braces off for the centre-fold of Cosmopolitan. Thankfully – for all our sakes – that isn’t going to happen. It’s going to be all work and no play for David and Nick’s boys. And girl.

7. It’s In The Logos. No one in the world has picked up on this yet. But that is why I am me and the rest of you do interesting things with your time. The Conservative logo is a tree. The Liberal Democrat logo is a bird. Birds like trees. It’s where they live. You couldn’t make this stuff up. If this coalition was destined to fail the Liberal Democrat logo would have been an axe. But it’s not. It’s a bird. And David has let it into his foliage. Bravo.

*Yes, if it is pure blue and pure yellow it would turn black, but that’s the point. It’s a coalition. All purity has been thrown out of the window.

NB: I might not believe all of the above nonsense.

May 13, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Use The Washing Machine

1. Odd socks. Wearing odd socks is not really the done thing. It looks strange and makes people avoid you. The problem is that it’s really not your fault. If the washing machine understood that eating a sock is not part of the deal when you use the machine, then you could walk around like a normal person. That sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

2. Communication Destroyer. They are loud and clanky bits of machinery are washing machines, so much so that you may struggle to hear the wife when she asks, ‘Have you seen the cat?’

3. Vision Depletor. It doesn’t take much, just a dodgy washing machine door and too much soap powder. Before you know it, the suds have built up to uncontainable levels, pushed the door open and filled the room with white floaty stuff. As fun as it is to play around in, it won’t be long before you’ve collided with the blender.

4. Back Injury Hazard. The majority of duvets are light. In weight I mean, not colour. Though some are light in weight and colour – which is to be applauded I suppose. But when you’ve stopped applauding, let’s get back to my point. Duvets are light. They can be tossed into the machine and one does not need to adhere to correct tossing procedures. However, upon washing machine cycle completion, something has happened. The once light duvet, is now heavy. Not only is it wet, it has also eaten everything else in the machine. To remove said duvet, one should adhere to heavy object lifting protocol. But does one? No one does not. Silliness.

5. DIY Fail. I am convinced the traditional washing machine is made out of parts of a space-shuttle. How else can you explain it’s complete disregard for gravity? When I switch my washing machine on, I expect it to stay next to the sink, not head off down the kitchen towards the oven. Nor do I expect it to chip away at the tiling on the way.

6. Administration Fail. I have a filing system for receipts. It’s called the back pocket of my jeans. Usually I find these much easier to read when they are dry. Not when they have been reduced to little bits of paper and apparently superglued to every other item of clothing I have just pulled from the machine.

7. Not Every Day Is Valentine’s Day. Presenting your girlfriend/wife with pink lingerie may be seen as a romantic gesture one day a year, but it gets a bit repetitive if it happens everytime you use the washing machine. The secret is to make sure there is no red sock in with the whites. Apparently.

May 11, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Watch Ashes To Ashes

Pushing us to one side and sitting on the 7 Reasons sofa this week is Chris Aram. Though we kind of get the feeling that she would much rather be on the sofa with someone else.

1. Gene Hunt. The archetypal macho man. We don’t necessarily want to live with him, but we do want to be shagged by him. Anywhere. Anytime. Anyhow. Men envy him and wish to god they could get away with behaviour like that!

2. Philip Glenister. A damn good actor – who has a brother who is also very fine and completely different. He’s probably good for an intellectual debate, but maybe not a…

3. Gene Hunt. Who wouldn’t respond to being called “Bollynickers”? Okay, maybe with a slap, yes, but just think of the making up. Who else could say, “Fire up the Quattro” and get away with it? That’s right only Gene.

4. That Uptown Girl Routine. Now I work for the NHS and, after an arduous night shift following that comic relief night, we greeted the day staff with our own version of that routine. But when Gene Hunt and co performed it, we were all in awe. How could they do that and not look naff…

5. Philip Glenister. Having watched him closely for a while now – in various guises (him not me) – he is a fab actor. Always self deprecating. Keeping a little back. Always leaving you wanting more.

6. Gene Hunt. Always dresses well. Likes a drink and a fag. Seems to be harbouring a secret love story. That nasty Jim seems hell bent on trying to make him the bad guy, but let me tell you, it aint going to work and it only makes the ladies want to protect him and stick up for this luscious man. (Sorry getting carried away here!).

7. Philip Glenister. No one else could have played the part of Gene Hunt. This is no Dr Who. I mean, Matt Smith being macho? Nice as he is…I don’t think so. And Glenister is not going to be defined by this role alone. We all look forward to more of his work.

May 8, 2010
7 Reasons These Opening Lines Are Not Classics

It is said that the following seven opening lines are some of the best written. I disagree. In fact I believe them to be vastly overrated. This is why.

1. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” Pride and Prejudice. Jane Austen. 1813. I think one only has to look at the case of Sir Elton John to realise that this is not a truth universally acknowledged at all. Nor is it acknowledged locally.*

2. “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” 1984. George Orwell. 1949. Bollocks. I suppose the sundial was pointing to half-past twenty-seven too.

3. “He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.” The Old Man And The Sea. Ernest Hemmingway. 1952. If the old man doesn’t have the sense to move to a different location after eighty-four days then I fail to see how I am going to be inspired by his intelligence for the ensuing chapters. Nor his fishing technique.

4. “It was love at first sight.” Catch-22. Joseph Heller. 1961. Now I am a romantic. I know this because I have Notting Hill and Love Actually on DVD, but I can’t believe in love at first sight. Lust, yes. Nausea, certainly. But not love. This wasn’t love. It was just a deep attraction to this person’s physical appearance. I assume it was a person. I didn’t get beyond the line to find out. It could have been a new toaster. But even so, it wasn’t love.

5. “I write this sitting in the kitchen sink.” Dodie Smith. I Capture The Castle. 1948. I suppose I should have had an idea what to expect when I read the title. This book is about a drug addict. Who owns a large sink. Not for me.

6. “When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventyifirst birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton.” The Fellowship Of The Rings. J.R.R Tolkein. 1954. How the hell did this get made into a film? In fact, how the hell did it get made into a book? For two years I have been trying to get my book published and I can guarantee you my first line makes more bloody sense than this rubbish. The next 10,000 lines maybe not, but the first line definitely.

7. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” Charles Dickens. A Tale Of Two Cities. 1859. I don’t know whether Mr. Dickens is being hypocritical on purpose here or just can’t make his bloody mind up. Poxy fence sitters. I bet this was on the Liberal Democrats reading list in the pre-Nick Clegg days. It’s probably been replaced by something with a nice cover now.**

*This is not a subtle attempt to come out. I’m not coming out. Because I don’t need to. And that’s not because I have come out in the past. I haven’t. Mainly because I don’t think like Sir Elton John.***

**The Conservative Party’s book of choice is, Slaughterhouse-Five, while Labour’s is, The Catcher In The Rye. You can look up the first lines.

***So, to sum up, I’m straight.

May 5, 2010
7 Reasons To Leave The Party

1. Your crocodile costume has made several people laugh and has got you a lot of attention, but it turns out that you’re not at a fancy dress party.

2. It turns out that the man you took an instant dislike to earlier because he was “an unctuous pillock…wandering about like he owns the place” is your host and does, in fact, own the place.

3. The attractive young lady that you’ve been eyeing up all night and are using your wittiest conversation on turns out to be a lesbian who is making eyes at a girl on the other side of the living room when she thinks that you’re not looking.

4. The strange and deeply dull man that has been leering at you all evening has trapped you in conversation in the living room (well, an unfunny and slightly bizarre monologue, anyway). You frantically throw “rescue me” glances to your best friend who is standing alone on the other side of the room, which she ignores.

5. You are alone on one side of the living room. Your best friend has abandoned you and is engaged in conversation with a cute guy on the other side of the room. She keeps glancing over to make sure that you’ve noticed. Bitch!

6. With about an hour to go until New Year you receive a phone call from a friend inquiring as to your whereabouts. You look around at your fellow guests and it slowly dawns on you that you don’t know any of them.

7. There is a magician.

Do you have additional reasons? Share them with us in the comments section, and if you enjoyed this post share it with a friend, or a spouse.

November 8, 2009