Tag: Reasons

7 Reasons To Be A Farmer

Yesterday Marc gave you 7 Reasons To Be A Father, so, in line with my attitude as to do as little work as possible, I have changed just two letters. Today it’s seven reasons to turn yourself into one of these:

A Farmer

1. Burglars. Late to bed, early to rise. As farmer’s sayings go, that isn’t a particularly popular one. But that does not make it any less true. Most plummet at 11pm and arise at 4am. That gives your average robber only a five hour period to commit their crimes. Most people have the correct amount of sleep and thus give burglars a further three hours to work in. So yes, ‘Stop Crime, Become A Farmer’. And of course, if you do find someone fiddling with your cucumbers, you have a pitching fork to stab them with. Assuming Big Dave pushes through this whole ‘fewer rights for burglars’ thing, you’ll be good to poke his eyes out too. The burglar’s, not Cameron’s.*

2. Machines. Not only will you get your hands on a Land Rover, you’ll also have a legitimate reason to have one. And an even more legitimate reason not to wash it. But that’s not all! Oh no. You’ll also have a combine harvester, a quad bike, a tractor and one very good excuse to spend all your time in the garage. Which means your farmer’s wife (or husband) has a very good reason to stay in the kitchen making you pork pies.

3. Scarecrow. No more fancy dress shops for you. Your ready-made costume is in that field. Never have your looked so good in you dad’s clothes.

4. Ooo Arghhh! Everyone likes putting on an accent, but there is a time and a place. The Brixton-bound 192, for example, is not the bus on which to pretend you are a native Jamaican. (That woman’s accusation that I was reenacting a scene from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum still upsets me to this day). Anyway, the point is that as soon as you become a farmer you get the accent. Whether it be a West-Country burr, an East-Anglian whirr or the hoity-toityness of an organic crop grower.

5. Dog. If you want a four legged friend but your partner doesn’t, become a farmer. All farmers have to have a dog. It’s like a rule or something. A farmer without a dog is like a football match without Ashley Young diving. Or Gordon Brown playing a game of marbles without being tempted to whip his glass eye out. It just doesn’t happen.

6. Wellington Boots. Apart from those couple of days in January and one weekend in June, when else do you where your boots? Exactly, hardly ever. Wellington boots have one of the highest ‘cost to use’ ratios of any product in the world. Ever. Unless you are a farmer. Because if you are a farmer you always wear boots. In the winter and the summer. In the cow shed and the bath. On the farm and the dog. Farmers have the best ‘cost-to-use’ wellington boot ratio of anyone in the world. Ever. Fact.

7. Hay. Some farmers loan out their fields. Some loan out their barns. Some loan out their wives. What I have a never seen a farmer do, however, is utilise the amount of spare hay they have. Which seems odd really. With so many horny people about, they could easily charge £10 for a roll in the hay.

*Sorry if this disappoints you.

NB: I came up with five of these. The best two came from someone else. And she’s not even a farmer. Weird.

June 29, 2011
This Is Not A 7 Reasons Post

Well, actually, I suppose it is. It’s just not your traditional 7 Reasons post. You see there are no reasons today.* Just an announcement. An announcement to say the Blowers t-shirts are now nestled in the 7 Reasons Emporium. And they look a bit like this:

Don’t worry, there’s the women’s version too. Which is exactly the same. Just in different colours. And smaller. If you read yesterday’s post though you will know that we felt bad about discarding the other Blowers t-shirts. Which is why we thought we’d make a few of the others too. And when I say a few, I mean twenty – ten male and ten female. They are as limited edition as it is possible to get. Unless we just made one of each. Which would be stupid. So the limited edition t-shirts – also nestled in the emporium – look like this:

You will notice that of the seven designs we drew up last week, Red Trousers, The Collection and Silhouette are not to be seen. There’s a reason for this. Or three. (Actually, we might get a 7 Reasons post out of this after all). Red Trousers got no votes. None. Not even an accidental vote that was scribbled out. Not much point in making that then. The Collection had one vote. 7 Reasons logic dictates that if only one person wants something there is no point in catering for twenty. So we haven’t. And finally Silhouette. Well, that did get quite a few votes. More than Bus Stop in fact. But it was probably illegal. Unlike the other designs, it wasn’t all our own work. Silhouette used a photo someone else had taken. We just made it look cool. Anyway, we’d have almost certainly been infringing copyright laws by selling it. So we aren’t.

So, to sum up. You can buy Hat, Glasses & Bow Tie from now until eternity. My Dear Old Thing, Bus Stop and On Mic are here until they are gone.

Finally, just a reminder that we’ll be contacting everyone who voted with their Blowers T-Shirt discount codes. Assuming we concentrate on the job in hand there is no reason why we should miss anyone, but we do have a whole heap to get through. As a result this is our safety net. If you haven’t heard from up by 6pm today send an angry email to [email protected] and we’ll sort it out.

*If you think I am going to spend hours writing a 7 Reasons piece having spent hours creating t-shirts you are sadly mistaken. I have work to do. And tennis to watch.

June 27, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: You’ve Decided On Blowers’ T-Shirt

On Friday we had a dilemma. We just didn’t know which Blowers’ t-shirt design to go for. So we asked you. And you voted in your droves. Having spent all night counting the votes we are pleased to annouce the winner. Well, show it to you anyway. It’s this one:

Well done. Good decision. The t-shirt will be nestled in our Emporium from tomorrow – ready to be worn by all cricket going Blowers fanatics. But the thing is, there were votes, as you’d expect, for other t-shirts too. And quite a few votes. Which by our calculations means there’ll be a lot of unhappy Blowers fans out there. So what to do? Well, we thought we’d make the lot. Except ‘Red Trousers’. That got no votes at all. So, ‘My Dear Old Thing, ‘Bus Stop’, ‘On Mic’, ‘Silhouette’ & ‘The Collection’ will also in the Emporium tomorrow. But only for limited time. In fact, we are only making twenty of each – ten male, ten female. Once they are gone, they are gone. ‘Hat, Glasses & Bow Tie’ on the other hand, will be in there indefinitely. Which is the way it should be.

Oh, one final thing, if you voted you’ll be getting a message from us in the next week with your 20% discount code.

June 26, 2011
7 Reasons We Couldn’t Decide On Blowers’ T-Shirt

You’ll know by now, or at least you should, that we are both thoroughly decent English chaps who like cricket. You’ll also know that we like the commentator extraordinaire that is Henry Blofeld. We know that’s a contentious issue. There are some who would readily describe him as ‘bumbling’. We, on the other hand, find his excitement, his love for both cricket and life, his pigeon twitching and his inability to grasp Twitter completely infectious. So much so that we want to go to the cricket wearing a Blowers t-shirt. Sadly, that is currently not possible. There is no Blowers t-shirt in existence. So, we’ve designed one. Well, seven actually. We designed one and Marc wasn’t too keen. So Marc designed one and Jon wasn’t very happy. So in the end we have designed seven and it is up to you, the humble reader, to decide which design goes to mass manufacture. Here are the choices.

1. My Dear Old Thing.

2. Hat, Glasses & Bow Tie.

3. Bus Stop.

4. Silhouette.

5. On Mic.

6. Red Trousers.

7. The Collection.

To vote for your favourite just click on an image. This will take you to Twitter where all you have to do is click ‘Send’. Clever, huh? Or you can vote on our Facebook page. Or, if you are not a Twitter or Facebook person, you can leave a comment below with your choice. There, we think that’s all bases covered. Voting closes at 11:59pm on Saturday 25th June and we’ll announce the winner in Russian Roulette Sunday, on… erm… Sunday. And, if you vote, there’ll be 20% off the t-shirt that goes to print too.

NB: T-shirt colours are subject to change, so just go with which design makes your heart sing.

June 24, 2011
A 7 Reasons Guide To Alternative Definitions (Part A)

Thanks to Nicholas Ruth for the picture of Marc wearing a donkey's head.

Today sees us provide you with what is possibly the shortest 7 Reasons post in history. (Assuming we don’t include that disastrous Monday in May). Today’s post is not short because I couldn’t be bothered to write more, it is short because that is all that is required. On Saturday evening I engaged in a savage battle against both my future parent-in-laws and my future wife. This battle took place on the Scrabble board.* During what was otherwise a tense and competitive ninety minutes, I had a chuckle to myself. That is because the letters on my rack just so happened to spell the word ‘ANALYSE’. Only they weren’t spread out quite like that. It was more ‘ANAL YSE’. Now, anuses rarely humour me, but on this occasion I did find the vision of a pair of buttocks with eyes somewhat smile worthy. You probably won’t find it at all funny, but I should stress that at the time I had just had half a glass of beer. So at least you can understand why I found it funny. Anyway, all this got me thinking about 7 Reasons. What words have we used in the past two years that could well mean something else? After extensive research I am proud to present to you the top seven. (Beginning with A. I haven’t even begun to look at the other 25 letters of the alphabet yet).

1. Abattoir. A Frenchman with three abdominal muscles.

2. Accessory. An apologetic write off.

3. Advisor. Promotional headwear – usually sporting a brand name or logo.

4. Allusive. A device that assists in the unblocking of toilets.

5. Antilog. A saw or chainsaw.

6. Aphrodisiac. The impairment of a persons spartial perception and stability resulting from a large hair do.

7. Assert. An injured donkey.

*I won.

June 21, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Winners!

Last week you entered a competition. No, not you. Nor you. Or you. But, you. Yes, you. This week we take great pleasure in announcing the winners. Are you one of them? You’ll find out soon. First though, let’s look at the answers you should have given us.

1) When the 7 Reasons team successfully invades France, what do we plan to replace the Eiffel Tower with? A burger van.

2) What colour should you paint your front door? Orange.

3) Which date should be known as the day of the sausage? 24th December. (Though we did accept Christmas Eve).

4) At what time should you not carry out bicycle maintenance? 3am.

5) What vehicle should you not drive up the M4? A Golf Buggy.

6) How many sailors make up the 7 Reasons sponsored Mongolian Navy? Seven.

7) What type of dancer are at least 50% of the 7 Reasons team afraid of? Flamenco.

So, all those who got 100% were put in a hat. Well, their names were. And it wasn’t so much a hat, more of a bowl. But either way the winners were in there. And the names came out like this.

Simon Best. You are a winner!

Claire Quinn. You are a winner!

Aspasia Matthaiou. You are a winner!

But then I looked back into my bowl and I was overcome with a feeling of utter sorrow. You see, there was just one name left. (What are you smirking at? So what if we only had four entries?). It felt somewhat harsh to leave Giles Clarkydum on his lonesome. So I didn’t. I whipped him out of the bowl and put him on the table.

Giles Clarkydum. You are a winner!

And it is only just seeing as this was their approach to entering.

Well done to all the winners. A set of propaganda postcards will soon be landing on your door mat.

*Ceci Masters was disqualified for not following simple instructions and entering via the medium of secret code on Facebook.

June 19, 2011
7 Reasons To Take Your Own Chimenea To The Pub

It’s the post you have been waiting for since Monday! In many respects it is fate that this is being written today, for today is Andy’s 30th birthday. Now, Andy, for those of you who don’t know, got a chimenea for his birthday. I know this because I carried it to the pub on Saturday night. (That’s when he had his party). So, this post is partly inspired by my experiences of carrying a chimenea to a pub and partly inspired by the ‘7 Reasons To Take A Chimenea To The Pub’ conversation Andy and I had later that evening.

There is not one photo of a chimenea in a pub on the whole internet so this will have to do.

1. Fitness. Chimeneas are not overly heavy. The one Andy now owns is 21kg. However, they weren’t really designed to be carried for a prolonged period of time. I had to carry the chimenea about 500m. The only thing you can compare this feat to is the Atlas Stones in the World’s Strongest Man. While they have to lift a stone of 100kg, they only have to carry it about five metres. Five metres! That’s pathetic. No wonder these ‘Strongest Men’ are so fat. Start carrying a chimenea to the pub every Saturday and you will soon become a lean mean fighting machine.

2. Games. Sometimes pub-based conversation can get a little stale and with the pool table and dart board in use, a period of uncomfortable silence is just around the corner. But not if you have your chimenea with you. If you’ve been unlucky enough in the past year you may have caught the TV show, Hole In The Wall. Basically you have to manoeuvre your body into positions so that you fit through a hole. It’s not great and I advise you to avoid it. Especially if you are in the pub with your chimenea. In this situation a much better game is Chimenea Through The Gap. Level one, which involves trying to get the bloody thing through the pub door, will prove too much for many. Had it not been Andy’s 30th I would probably left it in the road and told him to go and fetch it.

3. Apologies. It’s always something that’s confused me. Non-smokers are forever apologising to smokers. “Got a light mate?” they say. “No, sorry,” you reply. If you have a chimenea with you though the conversation will go very differently. “Got a light mate?” they say. “Have I got a light? Are you blind? I’ve got my own bloody chimenea! Of course I’ve got a light,” you reply. “Oh, sorry,” they respond. Smokers apologising to non-smokers. That’s the way it should be.

4. Present. It’s happened to all of us. We’ve gone to the pub and realised that it’s our friend’s birthday. Today! You haven’t got them a present or a card. What do you do? You can’t really buy them salted peanuts all night. They’ll get suspicious. There’s only one solution. Give them your chimenea. They’ll be delighted. “Wow! I’m delighted!” they say. See, told you they’d be delighted. “The one you gave me last year is still going strong, but you can never have too many can you!”

5. Excuse. Maybe you have a partner who doesn’t like you going to the pub all the time. Maybe you get home one night and they are there; standing in the hall; arms crossed; brow furrowed. “Been in the pub again have you?” they ask tersely. “Nope,” you reply. “I haven’t been in a pub for weeks.” And you aren’t lying. Ever since you bought that chimenea you have sat outside the pub keeping warm while sending your mates in to get the drinks.

6. Witches. I’m not the biggest Halloween fan. If I wanted to see four witches cackling I could watch Loose Women. The good thing about having a chimenea on your person on October 31st is that you can burn every single witch that enters the pub that night.

7. Earn While You Burn. Occasionally the work experience boy will flick a switch in the local power station and the pub will go into complete darkness. Well, nearly. The light that is available is coming from your chimenea. It’s also the only source of heat. Which is when you whip out the sausages and start selling hot dogs to all and sundry. If it looks like the flames are about to die, just stick a chair leg in there. No one will notice. It’s dark.

June 15, 2011
7 Reasons A Cardboard Tube Is The Essential Accessory

It’s nearly time for the members of the 7 Reasons team to celebrate their birthdays again. Jon reaches the grand old age of 28 tomorrow, while Marc will fall just shy of his half-century on the 18th. As a result there have been a lot of cardboard tubes lying around the 7 Reasons sofa this week. No doubt they were once wound in birthday related wrapping paper. While the forthcoming presents certainly entertain the mind, it is the sight of the cardboard tubes that have excited us thus far. Well, excited Jon anyway. You see, there is so much that a cardboard tube can be used for. Let’s have a look.

1. Sport. If the sport features a bat, you can play it with a cardboard tube. With the amount of cricket related posts on this site, these seemed like an opportune moment to feature another sport. So this is how you would face down Roger Clemens with a cardboard tube.

2. Music. Immediate thoughts of turning a cardboard tube into an instrument will surely give you a vision of a didgeridoo. Fair enough. But a cardboard tube is so much more. It’s also a flute.

3. Wooden Leg. Sadly, accidents will happen. Which is why you need to be ready for any eventuality. What you can’t see in the above photo is that the dog from across the road was gnawing at my right leg. So bad was it that I lost it from the knee down. Luckily I had my cardboard tube with me. It formed an immediate replacement. It’s a not a pre-requisite to look camp, it’s just very hard not to.

4. Pointer. When you want to get you message across, sometimes holding a pointing device will help. Here I show how you would use a cardboard tube to point at a shed. I don’t think there is any doubt that I mean business.

5. On Guard. Unlike scissors, the cardboard tube also works for left-handers. Although I am right-handed, I am comfortable using this sword with my left-hand.

6. Invaders. If the French were to invade the UK – which obviously is a laughable proposition – a cardboard tube would act as a very viable telescope. If would almost certainly give the invading army flashbacks to the sight of Nelson.

7. Fitness. Joining the local gym is expensive. And joining the gym 300 miles away even more so. As a result keeping fit at home is the ultimate alternative. As is aptly displayed here, weightlifting with a cardboard tube is both easy and fun. Again you will look camp, but that seems a small price to pay given the guns you will eventually develop.*

*Yes. I had reattached my leg.

June 9, 2011
7 Reasons Prison Transforms People

A lot is said about the prison service. Especially here in the UK. Many people seem to think that being an inmate is an easy life. You have your own TVs and a free day pass. In some cases, you even have your own dogs. Well, bitches. And then, when you’ve done half the time for your crime, you’re released. To be honest, this was an opinion I also shared. That was until the other night when I saw an episode of Porridge. I am now of the opinion that prison does indeed do what it sets out to do. It transforms people. Here’s why:

1. Fitness. Prison is full of bullies. There isn’t a nice way to say this, so I’m going to be straight with you. If you’ve got moobs, you are going to be teased. What better incentive is there then to get you doing pull-ups off the bunk bed? Prison gives you guns.

2. Art. You know what really states that you are not to be messed with? Yep, a tattoo. Not of a dolphin on your ankle, but a snake wrapped around your whole body. Probably accompanied by a skull. And a Millwall FC logo. Prison develops the culture vulture in you.

3. Crimes. Prison is all about reputation. The axe murderers aren’t going to look too impressed if you turn up and announce you’re inside for serial parking ticket evasion. That’s why, if you’ve still got them, you should use your scruples. You have to transform yourself into a different person. And that means exaggerating your crime. Yes, you are a serial parking ticket evader, but the only reason you evade them is because you stole the cars in the first place then reduced the number of traffic wardens on patrol. Prison teaches you to sell yourself.

4. Names. You can’t go to prison and call yourself Marc Fearns. Fearns? You’ll get a reputation as a right nancy boy. You can’t even call yourself ‘The Fearns’, ‘Fearnsy’ or ‘Fearnso’. So you have to be inventive. And call yourself ‘Terror’. Not because you are a little terror, but because it is short for ‘territory’. Which comes from the calling card you leave where you would usually place the parking ticket. The one that says, ‘Marc-ing My Territory’. Prison inspires creativity.

5. Goldilocks. Everyone has told you that long, curly, greasy, ginger hair is not the look, yet the impending prospect of a jail term is the only medium that will make you do something about it. You don’t want people seeing your mane as something to hang on to. Prison cures perms. And dandruff.

6. Gravel. Joe Pasquale wouldn’t last five minutes in prison. That’s not because his jokes aren’t funny, it’s because he sounds like a girl. You really don’t want a reputation as someone whose balls have yet to drop. Unless you’re a woman. That’s why you need to put on a deep, East End accent. Use Ray Winstone as your benchmark. Prison makes you a man.

7. Posture. At home you may readily bend down to pick up the soap. I have heard from some sources that this is not the thing to do in the prison showers. Something about getting slapped on the backside by a wet towel. As such, in prison, you should remain upright at all times. Prison transforms you into an upstanding member of society.

June 7, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Air Travel Can Be A Pain In The Butt

Today’s guest post is written by Sally. That is all we know about her. We suspect, judging by her use of ‘z’s instead of ‘s’s, that she resides on the other side of the pond. Other than that, our file is empty. You might think letting such a mysterious character onto the 7 Reasons sofa is as dangerous as the 7 Reasons cushions themselves. For the sake of keeping you entertained this Saturday though, it is a risk we are prepared to take. And it means we can watch the cricket. After the nice picture, it’ll be Sally.

Did you know people actually used to get dressed up to fly on an airplane? I mean, people were so excited to fly that they would actually break out their Sunday best for the flight. Why? Because flying was seen as such an exciting, high-class event that it was as much a highlight of their trip as actually getting to the destination. Most travelers could not imagine that today, as it feels like these once great sky coaches have been reduced to little more than a cattle car that flies. With that in mind, here are seven reasons why traveling in the year 2011 can be a giant pain in the butt.

1. Packing. Some of us were born without that organizational gene. You know, the one that lets people organize their sock drawers and car glove compartments. I never quite figured these out. Normally, it’s just a minor inconvenience. But when it comes to packing for a trip, I’m hopeless. I might as well just pile my clothes on top of a suitcase and hire a fat guy to sit on it.

2. Getting To The Airport. I’d like to send a message to all my friends. I am not a cab driver. Do not ask me to take you to the airport. First, people never fly at normal times, and waking up 4 hours before I have to go work is not worth you saving $15 in cab fare. Also, you’re about to go on a fun trip and I’m about to turn around and drive home from the airport in morning rush-hour traffic by myself. Hearing you talk about it on the way there makes me want to drive off the road into a tree. And I’m pretty sure your travel insurance doesn’t cover that.

3. Airport Check-in Staff. Okay, I just wanted to ask a simple question and see if there was an available window seat on my flight. You don’t have to talk down to me. You have the easiest job in the world. You type my name into the computer, you asked me a couple of dumb questions about my luggage (by the way, don’t you think anyone carrying contraband in their luggage would just lie?), and then you print out my ticket. Don’t act like you invented the airplane.

4. Airline Security Staff. Pretty much the same as reason three, except they’re more smug, less competent and fondle people’s legs for a living. We were never destined to get on.

5. Safety Speech Freestyling. Yes, we know! We have all heard it a million times. Just because it’s rehashed, I still don’t want to hear your lame canned jokes. I understand this is your one chance to show a little personality during the flight, but hearing Bob the flight attendant – not his real name – rap about oxygen masks makes me want to strangle myself with one.

6. Fellow Passengers. Sadly, I can’t charter my own flight, which means I have to travel with other people. At least I think they’re people. Sometimes you wonder given that don’t seem to get that the big piece of plastic in front of them is a seat with someone in it. Usually me. Kicking it makes me want to stop strangling myself with the oxygen mask and instead have a go on them. Either that or I regret not driving into that tree on the way to the airport.

7. Baggage Claim. Seriously, all you have to do is get the baggage from there, bring it here, and put it on the little conveyor belt. Why is this a half-hour long process? And why is my bag always last? And why do I only spot it when it’s passed me which means I look an idiot running after it?

June 4, 2011