Tag: Humour

7 Reasons Cushions Are Evil

Today is National Cushion Day in Oman! No, not really. We just needed a hook to get you reading. A sly move we admit, but one that worked. Assuming you did your good deed for the day yesterday, you’ll no doubt be going to the shops later to buy a pet Kim Jong Il. Have you thought about where you are going to put him though? The reason we ask is that you may well seat him on a cushion. Today we want to warn against this practice. You see, cushions pose more danger that admitting you like croissants.

1. Zip It. If you look at your cushions, you’ll probably notice that the cover is zipped on one side. This is so you can remove the cover and wash it. A practice we have to do every Sunday after our Saturday guest writer has thrown coke all over the 7 Reasons sofa. Putting the cover back on the cushion is where the danger begins. Zipping it up is never effortless. The zip always gets caught on a loose thread and causes minutes of straining and swearing. Then it suddenly gives way. It flies straight to the end, zipping everything in its path. Fingers, cat tails, lemons, penises*. Everything.

2. Vision Impaired. There is no doubt that a cushion cover can make a very good headdress when you are indulging in a little fancy dress. Or role-play. They are particularly useful if you want to be a cheap version of Robin Hood. The Maid Marian And Her Merry Men version, not the Russell Crowe version. The problem comes when it drops down over your eyes. Especially if you’re driving the mini-bus at the time. Bumping into things, like rivers, is quite common.

3. On Display. If the 7 Reasons sofa lacks anything, it’s display cushions. For a very good reason. What is the point in them? Are you supposed to move them? Are you allowed to move them? What will the owner say if you move them? If you do move them, where do you move them to? Are you even sure that is a display cushion? What’s the difference between that cushion and that cushion? Display cushions cause trauma.

4. Trip Hazard. At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team can’t stand cushions. They’re always in the way. Preventing him from sitting down. They seem to multiply in number every day. As a result he places them neatly on the floor. Of course, then he goes flying when he’s taking the empty plates through to the kitchen. Which could explain the broken handle on the front of the oven.

5. Expense. It’s not just physical abuse a cushion will hand out, it’ll abuse your bank account too. When you redecorate the house, you need to buy new covers for the cushions. Which means you need to buy storage for the old cushion covers. And then you need to buy storage for the storage that’s storing the old cushion covers. And on it goes. And goes. And goes. Until you hear from your bank manager for the first time ever.

6. Illegal Entry. A cushion to a pillow is like a rugby league ball to a union ball. You might think they are interchangeable, but they are not. Particularly so when a pillow fight is taking place. Pillows are soft and their cases softer. Cushions are hard with pointy corners. Bringing a cushion in to a pillow fight, apart from being illegal, could very easily result in eye pokage. Naughty.

7. Suck Up. Most of the guest writers who spread themselves across the 7 Reasons sofa do so with the elegance and grace that you would expect. Some, however, see the sofa as a piece of apparatus. Which is why they leapfrog over the back, cartwheel over the armrests and generally treat it as a bouncy castle. It is lucky the 7 Reasons cushions are not decorated with beads or sequins. If so, a few of our guest writers may well have ended up in hospital with a button shoved up their backside. Not pleasant. And a reminder to all that cushions are evil. Even more so than dolphins.

*Why Marc was washing the 7 Reasons sofa cushions in the buff is something we have never discussed.

June 3, 2011
7 Reasons That Kim Jong Il Is The Ideal Pet

Hello dear reader! At 7 Reasons, we’re not afraid to admit when we’re wrong and today, we do just that. Once, we were of the opinion that the Komodo dragon was the ideal pet but, though that would be amazing, we’ve realised that there is a superior one. It’s Kim Jong Il. Here’s why.

1. Kim Jong Il Comes In Many Colours. Whatever your interior colour scheme; whatever hue and shade your decor, there’s a Kim Jong Il to blend in perfectly with it. Even if it’s beige.

2. Kim Jong Il Is Independent. Don’t want a needy pet that requires you to take it out for walks or let it in and out five times per hour? Kim Jong Il is ideal: He comes with his own man-flap.

3. Kim Jong Il Annoys The Neighbours. All the best pets annoy the neighbours, whether it’s next-door’s dog barking at all hours, next-door’s cat pooing in your flower bed or next door’s snake being a snake in close proximity to you. Kim Jong Il does this too.

4. Kim Jong Il Is Loved By Women. That’s important in a pet. After all, they’re usually the ones that end up looking after them once the children grow tired of the responsibility. Surely there isn’t a woman alive that wouldn’t jump at the chance to care for Kim Jong Il.

5. Kim Jong Il Is Good With Children. This is an important consideration when choosing a pet. You need a pet that can help teach them social skills and engender a sense of playfulness in them. That pet is Kim Jong Il.

6. Kim Jong Il Makes Everyone Happy. Everyone loves the warm, fuzzy joy of pet-ownership (it’s one of the reasons we have them). They bring delight and wonder into our lives and spread happiness and warmth wherever they go. So does Kim Jong Il.

7. Kim Jong Il Is Easy To Feed. While other pets have special dietary requirements and often need to be fed expensive and exotic foodstuffs, Kim Jong Il prefers a simple diet of radishes.*

So there you go. Kim Jong Il is the ideal pet. The only drawback is that you might occasionally have to see this.

Seems a small price to pay. So let’s all go out and get a Kim Jong Il. Is a home really a home without one?

*Or sometimes fresh lobsters that he has airlifted to his train whenever he’s away travelling.

**For fans of looking at Kim Jong Il looking at things, this is the place to go.

June 2, 2011
7 Reasons Sepp Blatter Must Go (Now)

Today, Sepp Blatter will be re-elected as FIFA President. That is all kinds of wrong. As this video aptly demonstrates.

June 1, 2011
7 Reasons These Excuses Are Not Silly

Ministers have released the top ten ‘silliest’ excuses as used by benefit cheats. If you haven’t read them yet, you’ll be able to watch the countdown on BBC Three later this year. It’s narrated by Richard Bacon with insights from a bloke who once pretended he didn’t work in Lidl. Understandably. My issue with this programme is that it’s clearly going to be an excuse to laugh at people who are unable to articulate. As such they sound stupid. Having looked through the excuses I am saddened that they are are deemed silly. At least seven are very legitimate. Here’s why:

Ladder Therapy

1. “I had no idea my wife was working! I never noticed her leaving the house twice a day in a fluorescent jacket and a ‘Stop Children’ sign.” – Hardly surprising given that this man is obviously blind. The ‘Stop Children’ signs don’t come in braille you know.

2. “I wasn’t aware my wife was working because her hours of work coincided with the times I spent in the garden shed.” – This man’s wife was clearly hiding the fact that she worked by playing an elaborate game of hide and seek. Every morning she told her husband to hide. He scurried off to the shed and only appeared when his wife returned home and shouted, “I give up!”

3. “He does come here every night and leave in the morning and, although he has no other address, I don’t regard him as living here.” – Shelter are a fantastic charity. For them to be pulled up on this is a disgrace and an insult. I suspect the thousands of volunteers who give up their time to help those less fortunate than themselves feel really great now. Well done ministers.

4. “I didn’t declare my savings because I didn’t save them, they were given to me.” – Is having a basic grasp on the English language seen as a bad thing now then? Surely to declare savings under the pretence that you saved them is fraud?

5. “I wasn’t using the ladders to clean windows, I carried them for therapy for my bad back.” – A man (or woman) with a whole lot of common sense. Instead of spending his (or her) benefits on expensive therapists, he (or she) purchased a ladder. It was just as effective and instead of weekly payments of £40, cost just an initial £15. I don’t understand why ministers have a problem with this. Surely they want people to show initiative? If people can find methods of lowering their outgoings how is that not a good thing? One day this man (or woman) might buy a bucket and become a window cleaner. Good for him (or her).

6. “We don’t live together he just comes each morning to fill up his flask” – Well, this clearly shows that sexism is still rife in the ministerial hood doesn’t it? Just because this woman is single, it doesn’t mean she wants to get into a relationship with every builder whose bum she spies. This woman is perfectly entitled to share her tea bags with whomever she wants. It’s 2011 for goodness sake.

7. “It wasn’t me working, it was my identical twin.” – Which only goes to prove that one half of Jedward always mimes.

May 31, 2011
7 Reasons Product Names Are Important

A little bit of schoolboy humour for you today. It’s crass, it’s not very clever, but it’s easy. And you might just find it some light relief after yesterday’s telling-off. You may well have heard the story of Chevrolet’s Chevy Nova. The car that didn’t sell because the word ‘nova’ roughly translates as ‘doesn’t go’. Well, today we look at seven other products whose names just don’t seem appropriate. Basically, every thing’s to do with sex.

1. The Antidote To Viagra.2. Australians Should Know.

3. Pocket Games.

4. The Japanese Like Hairy Knees.

5. No Flicking Straight To The End.

6. Oral Stimulation.

7. Girl Repellent.

May 27, 2011
7 Reasons That The UK Should Ban Carlsberg

1. Retaliation. Relations between the UK and Denmark have long been difficult.   From the eighth to the eleventh centuries they invaded us; in the nineteenth century we confiscated their navy, and in the twenty-first century they sent Nicklas Bendtner to lumber around our football fields and sulk like a moon-faced twelve year old girl. A giant moon-faced twelve year old girl. Now, however, they’ve gone too far. They’ve banned that quintessentially British spreadable yeast extract, Marmite from their country. The time to act is now and we need to ban something in return. We can’t ban bacon, because half of the 7 Reasons team will cry and we can’t ban Lego for exactly the same reason. The only thing left is Carlsberg.

2. Strength. The standard Carlsberg is an okay and quite drinkable lager (for a mass-manufactured one). Sadly, however, we don’t get that in the UK. We get an insipid watery thing brewed specially for us. It’s horrible and pointless. If you wanted to get drunk, you’d have to consume so much of it that your bladder would swell to the size of a small hatchback before you felt the teeniest bit light-headed. And that’s the moment that your small hatchback would probably be involved in an accident. With a boat.

3. Taste. The flavour of the UK Carlsberg lager is…well…in there somewhere. You can definitely tell that you’re drinking something that was once in the same country as some malt and some hops. Briefly. But going on an epic search to find the flavour in the beverage that you’re drinking is frustrating and pointless. And we already have a drink like it in the UK, it’s called water. It’s cheaper (unless you’re a family with a meter) and you don’t have to go out and buy it, it’s already there in your own home; in the taps. And it might already have been drunk by a celebrity like Elton John or Ryan Giggs, so it carries a greater celebrity cachet.

4. It Comes In A Green Tin. And I don’t like green tins. I just don’t. Never have, never will. I’m perfectly within my rights to dislike green tins and it’s not at all irrational. After all, we live in a country where it’s considered perfectly normal behaviour to dislike otherwise perfectly good people because of what vehicle they choose to commute in/on, what football team they support and the brand of shoe they choose to wear. So my hatred of green tins is far more rational than the cultural norm. Let’s get rid of the little green tins.

5. Because It’s Bad For You. Marmite was banned from Denmark because it contains additives: It’s unnaturally potent. But are the parks and playgrounds and municipal seating areas of Copenhagen littered with – often apparently lifeless – ruddy-faced and dishevelled men clutching half full* jars of Marmite in their limp, grimy hands? No. Those men are over in the UK, clutching cans of Carlsberg Special Brew**.    Because that too is unnaturally potent and unlike Marmite, which is good for you, it seems to be quite detrimental to the health.

6. Because They Keep The Good Stuff To Themselves. For Carlsberg make an amazing beer: a strong, rich, malty lager-beer with brilliant sharp hoppy notes. It’s called Elephant – named after one of the gates to their Copenhagen brewery – and can I get hold of it in the UK? Can I buggery. It would be easier to get hold of an actual elephant, and possibly more fun too. I could keep it in the garden and train it to stand on my next-door-neighbour’s car. If we banned Carlsberg, my frustrating and usually fruitless search for Elephant would come to an end.

7. Because Of The Adverts. Carlsberg’s advertising is brilliant. It’s high-budget, has consistently great production values and is usually very, very memorable.   But if we have to suffer every last epically dull and unoriginal bore mindlessly parroting, “Carlsberg don’t do *****(those asterisks are to suggest blankness, we’re not subject to a superinjunction)…but if they did….”, every time they see something they’re enthused by, because they believe it passes for original wit, that’s too high a price to pay for it. Let’s ban Carlsberg: We’d get revenge, lose crap beer, drink more water, rid ourselves of green tins, have healthier tramps and I’d be able to ride an elephant to the pub, where I wouldn’t be tempted to punch a dullard. You know it makes sense. Sort of.

*Or half empty, you decide.

**As manufactured by Chaka Khan.

May 25, 2011
7 Reasons It Was Inconvenient That The World Didn’t End On Saturday

Hello 7 Reasons readers! It’s Monday 23^rd of May, which can only mean one thing. That the world didn’t end at 6pm on Saturday. Obviously this has affected our plans somewhat as we didn’t prepare a piece for today just on the off-chance that we would be wasting our time. This, it turns out, was an error. Anyway, somewhat belatedly, it’s time to begin the 7 Reasons working week.

Now, it would be easy to mock the poor, deluded fools who told us that the world was going to end on Saturday, so let’s do that. Here are seven reasons that it was inconvenient that the world didn’t end at six pm on Saturday.

1. Marc Fearns. “It’s Monday morning and I’m in my dining room writing. I hadn’t planned to be doing this at all. I was expecting to be hanging out by Piers Morgan’s fiery lake watching Glee while French people force-fed me raw sprouts and read the Daily Mail to me. I was expecting to be wearing Crocs and an I’m With Stupid t-shirt. I was expecting to be spending time with my brother. The rest of time. This is a right inconvenience.”

2. Robert Fitzpatrick. Robert Fitzpatrick was also inconvenienced. He’s currently a little bewildered. Asked how he felt about events (or the lack thereof) he said, “Obviously, I haven’t understood it correctly because we’re still here”.

3. Keith Bauer. Mr Bauer travelled from Maryland to California for the rapture. As a demonstration of total conviction in Mr Camping’s prediction, he took a week off work for the end of the world. Not just a few days, but a whole week, mark you. After all, it was for the end of the world. You can’t pack that into a couple of days or a long weekend. That’s a week he’ll never get back.

4. Gary Vollmer. “Judgment day has come and passed, but it was a spiritual judgment on the world”. Ah, a spiritual judgement. So it did happen then, just not in the way that it was predicted to. Not in a way that was in any sense tangible or demonstrable. Not in a way that anyone could remotely tell whether it had happened or not, except for Gary. There has been a judgement but only Gary knows about it. This is not Gary refusing to admit that he was wrong at all. No one called Gary is ever wrong and especially not this Gary who is especially not wrong about the end of the world. NOT WRONG. No.

5. Harold Camping. Harold Camping, the man that made the prediction in the first place, has not been seen since the end of the world and has “no intention to speak or issue any statement” according to a spokesman. How he communicated this to the spokesman is unclear. I prefer to imagine that it was via the medium of mime or that it took the form of an interpretative dance. Perhaps he iced it on a cake or banged it in Morse code on the desk with his forehead. We may never know. According to his wife he is “mystified” and “somewhat bewildered” at the world’s failure to end.

6. Harold Camping. And this isn’t the first time that this has happened to poor Harold. The blasted world failed to end in 1994 for him too. That’s an easy mistake to make once, but when the world doesn’t end and 97% of its occupants aren’t eternally damned for a second time, you might start to feel a tiny bit foolish. Oh well, cheer up Harold, third time lucky.

7. Everyone Else. So the world hasn’t ended and another working week has begun. There’s no chance of getting out of painting that spare bedroom, your next dental appointment or paying the gas bill. We’re also going to have to carry on with all the joy, love, bliss, wonder, gratification and whatnot that characterises our human existence on this beautiful earth. What an infernal nuisance.

May 23, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Jonathan Lee

In an interview that is still being talked about fondly in at least one corridor in Nottingham University’s halls of residence, the co-founder of 7 Reasons, Marc Fearns, was interviewed by another co-founder of 7 Reasons, Jonathan Lee. If you missed it you still have time to check it out. It won’t be coming down until yesterday at 6pm when the world ended. This link will take you there. Do come back though because this week the tables have been turned. Or at least the sofa has. Or at least it was going to turn. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, Marc can’t be here. Being the creative chap Jon is though, he has decided to press ahead with the interview. So, here is Jonathan Lee in conversation with himself.

JL: Thanks for coming Jon.

JL: No problem.

JL: I like what you’re wearing.

JL: Ah, thanks. Claire doesn’t wear it much these days so I thought I’d give it a whirl.

JL: You can pull it off.

JL: I can, but not right now. We have an interview to do.

JL: Yes, sorry. So, 7 Reasons, how much longer are you going to keep doing it for?

JL: Who knows. At present working for myself means I can take time out to think of and write posts as well as all the other admin that goes into making it a ‘success’. That’s not going to last forever though. At some stage in the near future I expect to be working for someone else again and that means time for 7 Reasons will be heavily reduced.

JL: So 7 Reasons might come to an end soon?

JL: I didn’t say that.

JL: It’s what you intimated.

JL: It’s always a possibility and Marc and I both know this can’t last forever.

JL: So, this time next year, will 7 Reasons be around?

JL: It’ll be around, in what form I don’t know. You’ll see a slow down in the number of 7 Reasons posts we churn out before we say goodbye permanently. I would be surprised if we are posting every single day this time next year. But I thought that last year too. We’ll be two years old in a few months and writing every single day in the same format for two years is hard work.

JL: Are you tired then?

JL: Very.

JL: Is there anything you want to achieve with 7 Reasons before you shut the door on it?

JL: We’re working on a couple of things outside of the 7 Reason website. I’d be surprised if we don’t make at least one of those happen. Certainly from my point of view I would like the 7 Reasons concept to be able to exist without the website.

JL: So are we talking about an Edinburgh Fringe show?

JL: Maybe.

JL: When you look back, what one moment stands out for you?

JL: England winning the Ashes in Australia, just fractionally ahead of winning the Rugby World Cup.

JL: I really meant within or because of 7 Reasons.

JL: Oh. I don’t have one. When people say they’ve enjoyed reading a post that’s very gratifying, unless it’s a Marc Fearns post in which case it’s a bit sickening to watch to be honest.

JL: Is there a rivalry between you?

JL: I’m not sure. I think we drive each other to try and be better writers, but there is no jealousy if the other’s post is picked up by Umbro or The Guardian or whoever. We know that 7 Reasons is the sum of its parts and it simply wouldn’t work if one of us wasn’t there.

JL: That’s nice.

JL: Next question.

JL: What’s the worst post you’ve ever written?

JL: Anything that attempted to drive audience participation. Whether there was our quest to find the ‘8th Reasoner’ or our challenge for readers to ‘Pimp Our Sofa’. I completely misjudged just how lazy our audience was. And the ideas were rubbish. We had entries – some good ones – but ultimately they didn’t inspire the majority.

JL: And the best?

JL: Probably the posts that I have ghost written for other people.

JL: You do that?!

JL: For a fee.

JL: How much did SirStraussy pay you?

JL: He wrote that himself.

JL: And finally, you’re getting married next year. Is there going to be a 7 Reasons theme?

JL: No chance.

JL: Why not?

JL: You’ll have to read this forthcoming Tuesday’s post to find that out.

JL: Thanks for talking to us. I had fun.

JL: I’m glad one of us did.

May 22, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons The Earth Could Really End Today

We were close to the end of the world yesterday and today we are mere hours away from a good rapturing. In light of this I really admire you for coming back to 7 Reasons when you should probably be saying goodbye to your loved ones. In keeping with the end of the world theme, today’s guest post is an extraordinary look into another seven ways the world might end today. It’s written by Greg Buckskin, a writer and blogger for Comcast.USDirect.com – home to Comcast Cable Deals. At least that’s what he does when he’s not skiing the Utah powder. After the nice picture below, it’ll be Greg.

For many fundamentalist Christians, May 21st will be their last day at work—or on the planet for that matter. Harold Camping, owner of the $100 million Family Radio Christian network, has predicted that May 21st is the day of the rapture—the end of the world when the righteous will be taken to heaven and the wicked will be left here on earth wallowing in misery until October 21st, when the earth will finally be destroyed for good.

Although Camping’s predictions have failed in the past (he also predicted that the world would end in 1994—oops), he has many followers who are backing him up, selling their homes, quitting their jobs, and budgeting their last cent to run out on May 21st.

Who knows, maybe the world will end on May 21st. I’ve been wrong before; I thought Arnold and Maria would be together forever. But most likely, May 21st will be just like any other day, except for the lamenting cries of those who went into huge debt so they could live it up until the 21st and thought they’d never have to pay it back. However, there are tons of other ‘real’ ways the world could end this weekend, or even in the next half hour. These events would be so random that I’ll bet none of us ever even pay it much mind.

1. Nuclear War. Stanford Professor Emeritus Martin Hellman figures that at any given moment there is about a 10% chance of the world ending in nuclear war. That’s a bigger percentage than most of us have of dying from common forms of cancer—more than 10 times bigger in most cases. There are still over 25,000 nuclear weapons in existence today. North Korea, Iran, some pissed off fundamentalist who finds one of Sadam’s WMDs buried in the desert somewhere—theses are all likely candidates and extremely unpredictable. How is your bomb shelter coming along?

2. Asteroid. We all know that Armageddon was a completely unrealistic movie, right? I mean who would hire an oil rig captain to blow up an asteroid? Well, it may not be so far from the truth. Right now scientists from NASA and other organizations around the globe are predicting that asteroid 1999 RQ36 could have as big as a 1/1000 chance of hitting earth in 2182. When you think about the vastness of the universe, that’s actually pretty good odds. If a big asteroid took out the dinosaurs, why couldn’t we be next.

3. Super Volcano. We all learned about volcanoes in 3rd grade science class, but most of that curriculum focused on places like Hawaii and Mt. Saint Helens. Chances are your teacher didn’t tell you about the super volcano that is Yellowstone National Park. Only fairly recently have scientists discovered that Yellowstone is a giant caldera, an underground volcano where magma has been building for hundreds of thousands of years. The last time a super volcano erupted (75,000 years ago in Sumatra), it exploded with the force of over 10,000 Mt. Saint Helens, covered the world with ash and brought about a global ice age. According to calculations, the Yellowstone caldera explodes about once every 600,000 years. The last explosion was over 640,000 years ago. Yikes!

4. Disease. Bird flu? Swine flu? Forget about it. What about airborne HIV? Or some new disease that has not even developed yet? If you’ve ever read The Andromeda Strain you know that all it takes is for one virus to mutate in exactly the right way to kill us all instantly. Then the zombie apocalypse hits, and it’s every man for himself.

5. Gamma Ray Burst. Gamma ray bursts have been observed in far distant galaxies for many years. A Gamma ray burst generally happens as a star goes supenova and can release more energy in ten milliseconds than our sun will release over its 10 billion year lifetime. Most of the observed bursts are in galaxies that are billions of light years from earth. But what if a closer star decided to explode (or our sun) and send a beam of high-energy gamma rays our way? We’d be space dust before any of us even knew what happened.

6. Global Warming. Global warming is a slow phenomenon compared to our short human lives, but it can be a rather quick event in the earth’s life. A warmer planet won’t simply mean that we can’t wear long pants anymore, it will change the entire way the planet functions. It will disrupt plant growth, extend the life cycle of many animals and insects, especially those that live in tropical regions and carry diseases like malaria. It also increases air pollution and causes flooding and wildfires and increases the size a magnitude of tropical storms—think Katrina, but on a scale that would cover all of North America. Currently, about 150,000 deaths can be attributed to global warming. If we don’t watch out, we could face a slow death by a warming planet.

7. Big Robots From Outer Space. So this one is a little more far-fetched. But astronomers are discovering new planets all the time, some that could even support life like earth’s. In fact, recently, Gliese 581g—a planet similar to earth—was discovered only 20 light-years from our solar system. Who is to say that life does not exist elsewhere in the cosmos, that they may be more technologically advanced than ourselves, and can travel the stars? And if there is one thing I’ve learned from watching movies, it’s that aliens rarely come to earth just to see what’s here. They usually (much like we are doing right now) have destroyed their own planet and are looking for a new home. And they don’t take too kindly to the natives. Will they send giant robots to annihilate us or will it be pod people to snatch our bodies? I don’t know. All I can say is, “watch the skies.”

May 21, 2011
7 Reasons It Is Inappropriate For The World To End At 6pm Tomorrow

Disaster. The world ends tomorrow. So, in our penultimate 7 Reasons post – we’ll still publish a guest piece tomorrow morning – we take a look at the reasons why 6pm is a ridiculous time for it all to come to an end.

1. Waste Of A Day. At the moment, as you may have noticed, I am not taking the demise of the World very seriously. That’s because I’m writing this the day before and the idea that I shan’t be writing 7 Reasons on Monday hasn’t really hit home yet. Tomorrow morning, when I rise to the Sounds of the Sixties, no doubt I will start worrying. I dare say I will be petrified. This is it. It’s all over. I had so much to do. There’ll be tears. There’ll be praying. And then there’ll be tea. And a whole lot of waiting. There is no point in doing anything tomorrow. What’s the point in shopping? Or DIY? Or writing my birthday list? There isn’t any. So I’ll just sit there and wait and be bored. What a waste. At least if the world had ended at 6am I wouldn’t have had to endure the slowest day ever.

2. Awkward. The problem with 6pm is that it’s that awkward time between coming home after being out for the day and going out for the evening. Those who don’t know anything about the world ending or those who have decided to stupidly ignore it, will be getting ready. And that means a whole lot of nakedness on display. When we end up in heaven or ‘the other place’ surrounded by naked flesh, where are we supposed to look? I tell you something, there will be many an argument in full flow come 6.15pm. “You were looking at that girl’s bottom!” “No I wasn’t. She just raptured in front of me!” “I didn’t believe that excuse last time and I don’t believe it this time. And will you cover yourself up! You’re embarrassing me.” “Oh, I’m embarrassing you am I? Look at yourself, you are the only one who put weight on whilst rapturing.” Yes, many an argument and many a divorce.

3. Indigestion. Many people will be cooking or thinking about cooking dinner when it gets close to 6pm. But what should we do? Eat and be prepared to get indigestion during the rapturing phase or miss our evening meal and hope something is provided at arrival when we reach our new destination. It’s a tough call. One we wouldn’t have had to make had the world been due to end at, say, 3pm.

4. Heineken Cup Final. This kicks off at 5pm. That means I’m not going to know what happens. Do you know how many hours I have put into watching the Heineken Cup this year? Dozens. Bakers dozens probably. And for what? Just so I know who enjoys their half-time oranges more. It is said that 2% of the population will be ‘raptured’ to heaven at 6pm. No doubt those who end up there will get to see the second half, but for the rest of us – and I rather suspect that includes me – will no doubt be faced with burning hell that is ‘So You Think You Can Dance Live’. That’s a hugely inadequate outcome and should it happen I propose we make an appeal (or overpower The Devil/Piers Morgan and steal the remote control).

5. Children. For a lot of young families, 6pm signifies the time at which the youngest members of the family are put in their cots for the night. Or, if you are eighteen and have parents like I, just put to bed. There is nothing wrong with that, especially if you have spent all day chasing them around. The evening is the time when you get to relax. Only tomorrow you won’t. As soon as baby Byron is sung to sleep, death will come knocking at the door.

6. Work. Some people, believe it or not, actually have to work on Saturday. As such they’ll be working tomorrow. What a day they’ll have. Wake up early, go to work, work hard, come home, world explodes. The forces at large could at least let them sit down with a beer first.

7. Plus This Lot. Given that this is the last proper 7 Reasons post we thought we’d celebrate life by opening this up and asking the 7 Reasons faithful why 6pm would be a bad time for them. Here are some of the replies. (It suggests only a few of our followers are bothered about the world ending. Fair play to them).

Nick Barrow: “Because it’s my day off.”

@rachel_simmo: “Because we’d only be half way through the Heineken Cup final! Surely they can put it back a couple of hours to 8pm?”

@splex: “Dr Who wouldn’t have been on telly yet. Could you postpone the world ending until at least 9pm?”

Sarah Ay: “Because we’d miss the Champions League final.”

@rachel_simmo: “We wouldn’t find out what happens in Doctor Who! With Amy and the baby and the eye-patched nurse!”

@Kateypotatey: “Because I wouldn’t have had time to finish my first glass of fizz/cocktail. 6.30 would be better.”

@RugbyByDilbert: “I wouldn’t of sung happy birthday to my mate! #actofrevenge”

Rob Lee: “Because I might be either batting or bowling at that time, and I’ll never know how I got on.”

@kittyQ: “Because I am getting married next year to a 7 reasoner, that’s after Saturday, that means I won’t get to be the happiest kitty ever”

Jack Pitts: “Bad? At least we won’t have to sit through Britain’s Got Talent anymore.”

@RugbyByDilbert: “If the world was to end on Saturday, I wouldn’t have gone to the Waratahs game in Sydney (makes me sad)”

@NellPlant: “I’d die a work and this would mean I would not be able to iPlayer Doctor Who when I’ve finished work.”

@rachel_simmo: “We wouldn’t ever know if Birmingham City could manage to stay up on the last day of the season on the Sunday…”

Richard O’Hagan: “Because (a) Marc would never get the website to work for a whole 7 days in succession and (b) the world would be deprived of the weekly spectacle of one of you accidentally posts a piece they meant to schedule for later in the week.”

@kittyQ: “Kent play Sussex on Sunday.. I am hoping to go. I’ll get to see the signs I set up for print. If the world ends I won’t get to see Kent THRASH Sussex”

Richard O’Hagan: “Because we would never get to read the second half of the Russian Roulette interview?”

@rachel_simmo: “Plus my brother would only be a 21 year old for 3 and a bit days, not even a week being 21!”

@RevdKathy: “6pm Saturday? The world CANNOT end before Doctor Who has aired!”

*On behalf of Marc and myself, may I thank you all for reading 7 Reasons for the past 20 months. It’s been ace. See some of you soon. (I’ll bring the ball, you bring the bat).

May 20, 2011