Tag: Humor

7 Reasons The World Needs Hoverboards

1. Transport. There are a lot of cars where I live – that’s on Earth. Whenever I am in a car I always end up getting stuck. A journey that should take ten minutes, invariably takes twelve. Half the time I think it would be quicker to walk. The other half I think it would be quicker to hover. On both occasions I am right. Walking, though, tends to be a bit boring and I blister easily. I wouldn’t get blisters hovering though and I certainly wouldn’t get bored. Weaving in and out and over cars. I imagine the adrenaline rush to be something like sky-diving with a handkerchief.

2. Evolution. The bicycle is a great mode of transport, but while it remains popular in it’s current form it has also evolved into a motorbike. Another great mode of transport is the skateboard. Unlike the bicycle though, the skateboard has not evolved. And in my opinion it’s getting left behind. Everything else evolves, it’s time for the skateboard to step up to the plate.

3. My Generation. Apart from being Friday, today is also referred to as the age of the ‘Playstation Generation’ (though other computer video gaming consoles are available). People get fat playing on the Playstation. They also end up with square eyes. The best cure for both these ailments is to get outside. I guarantee Hoverboards would do this. The youngsters of today would switch off their consoles, get on their board and hover about all over the place. Or maybe they’ll just go down to KFC.

4. Literature. If WH Smith lacks one thing on its shelves, it is Hoverboard Monthly. Or the more youth-orientated Pimp My Hoverboard Bitch!

5. No More Snow Chaos. If you look outside today, you will notice that there is snow on the ground. This white stuff is treacherous to walk on or drive over. So the best thing to do is stay in, or, if your journey is unavoidable, get on a hoverboard. And if you fall off, at least you’ll land on something soft.

6. Reputations. There is a great film trilogy called Back To The Future. Well, I say a ‘great trilogy’, the third one was a bit random if you ask me, but that is irrelevant until next week’s 7 Reasons The Third Back To The Future Film Was A Bit Random. What is relevant now though, is that they had hoverboards in BTTF II. In the year 2015. We’re not far off. If we don’t get them soon the credibility of the trilogy is going to plummet.

7. Sport. I think just about every sport out there would be improved by the addition of a hoverboard. Especially if they are remote control hoverboards and controlled by random spectators. It would be a bit like…erm…using a Playstation.

January 8, 2010
7 Reasons You Upset A Woman

Upsetting a woman is never very clever. Which is why man tries to avoid doing it. Unfortunately, trying is never really good enough. Sometimes we – and I speak on behalf of all man here – just end up in a situation where we can’t help but say something amusing. And make no mistake about it, what we say is amusing. It’s just that the fairer sex can’t see it. And so for some reason they get a bit annoyed. Here are seven examples of things we have have said to women that didn’t go down as well as they should have.

1. “Wow. You’ve got evil eyes!”
Discovered: Friday 26th September 2009
Discovered by: Jon
Location: The Bedford, Balham
Circumstances: Girl standing next to me was staring into my brain.
Excuse(s): 1- Not sober. 2 – It was true. Consequence(s): 1 – Verbal abuse. 2 – Harmed Anglo-Cuban relations. 3 – Forced to down some alcoholic concoction that contained Sambuca and Absinthe.
Positive(s): 1 – Free Drink.
Action to take next time: Advise her to invest in a pair of large sunglasses.

2. “Is you sister really more dull than you or is that just not possible?”
Discovered: 1997
Discovered by: Simon
Location: A pub in St Andrews, Fife
Circumstances: I had endured a term of stories presented as being fascinating and exciting, in reality they were dull tales of life in Aberfeldy, mostly involving horse riding. She was preparing us for her sisters visit the next day by explaining that in comparison to her sibling she was the life and soul of the party.
Excuse(s): 1 – Really not sober. 2 – Boredom following months of dull stories.
Consequence(s): 1 –Having a most of a pint thrown over me. 2 – Loss of the pint for drinking purposes. 3 – Damage to a really rather nice shirt. 4 – Damage to Anglo-Scottish relations.
Positive(s): 1- I didn’t have to meet the sister (which was very much on the cards) 2 – I never heard any more dull stories about horse-riding in Aberfeldy (or anything else for that matter).
Action to take next time: Wait till you’ve met the sister and then compliment the first woman on how interesting and fun she is.

3. “I’m not really keen on it, do you still have the blue one?”
Discovered: December 1997
Discovered by: Marc
Location: My then girlfriend’s bedroom.
Circumstances: I was asked my opinion on the dress that she intended to wear to the Christmas Ball, ten minutes before we were due to leave.
Excuse(s): 1 – I’m very honest.
Consequence(s): 1 – I attended the 1997 Christmas Ball without a date.
Positive(s): 1 – I was able to spend time with friends. 2 – I was able to break wind without apologising. 3 – I still don’t get asked my opinion on dresses.
Action to take next time: Like the green one, no matter how inferior it is to the blue one.

4. “Well, not anymore he doesn’t, he’s dead.”
Discovered: Late 2007
Discovered by: Jon
Location: My old flat in Crystal Palace
Circumstances: Having a discussion with my flatmate about her dog. I found out he had been run over some years previously. Flatmate said something along the lines of, ‘He loves running around the garden’.
Excuse(s): 1 – I was trying to be amusing.
Consequence(s): 1 – She stared at me, looked a bit shocked, then left the room. 2 – I felt a bit uncomfortable. Positive(s): 1 – I could change the TV channel.
Action to take next time: Don’t comment on photos of dogs that may be on the mantel piece.

5. “Piss off, Hitler!”
Discovered: Autumn 2009
Discovered by: Marc
Location: The upstairs landing.
Circumstances: My wife was attempting to comedy-slap me on the forehead with her right hand. I anticipated this and stepped backwards to avoid her hand. This left her standing with her right arm fully outstretched in what could have been interpreted as a Nazi salute.
Excuse(s): 1 – It was funny.
Consequence(s): 1 – She poked her tongue out. 2 – She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead. Positive(s): 1 – I was able to ascertain what flavour squash she had been drinking from the colour of her tongue. 2 – She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead.
Action to take next time: I’m not sure yet. “Piss off, Goebbels?”

6. “It’s because they’re for girls.”
Discovered: 13th December 2009
Discovered by: Marc
Location: A Department Store
Circumstances: My wife and I were browsing in the kitchen section of a local department store. She spotted a new range of mops, brooms, dustpans and brushes with a floral motif on their handles. “Why are they covered in flowers?” she enquired.
Excuse(s): 1 – It was funny. 2 – Shopping is dull and needs enlivening.
Consequence(s): 1 – I received a look of utter contempt from my wife. 2 – The man next to us laughed loudly, but briefly, before he stifled it. 3 – The woman next to us scowled at the man next to us (presumably her husband) causing him to stifle his laughter. 4 – The woman next to us scowled at me.
Positive(s): 1 – I am becoming familiar with the use of mops, brooms, dustpans and brushes.
Action to take next time: Browse in the tools section.

7. “You are like an oven. When I turn you on, you get hot.”
Discovered: Sunday 5th October 2009
Discovered by: Bri McIntosh
Location: Twitter
Circumstances: Brian McIntosh sharing his best chat-up lines with the female world.
Excuse(s): There aren’t any.
Consequence(s): 1 – Mirth all round. 2 – Much ridicule. 3 – Re-Tweeted around the world. 4 – Posted on many blogs.
Positive(s): None for Brian. Constant source of laughter for everyone else.
Action to take next time: Don’t talk to girls. On or offline.

Are you a man? If so, we want to know what you said. Just head over to our contact page and you may see yourself on this site very soon. Especially if your words of wisdom resulted in plates being thrown.

December 20, 2009
7 Reasons Sports Personality 2009 Was A Joke

1. Andy Murray. Where was he? If Andrew Strauss could be on a live link, then why couldn’t Murray? He may have had a legitimate reason, but as things stand he has just made it slightly harder for me to like him again. Goodness me, that boy’s an effort.

2. Coach of the Year. Yes, Fabio Capello has done a good job with England – I say good job, it’s actually a sad indictment of English football that it takes an Italian coach to make the players England possess play well together – but what did he actually coach us to? Top spot in the qualifying table. The last time I checked that meant sod all – apart from that it is part one of the proper job. Have the panel ever heard of Ross Brawn or Declan Kidney? How did they not even make the shortlist? Muppetry.

3. Team of the Year. Well, the pundits got this half right. The sport was right, sadly the team was not. England Women’s Cricket Team should have won this. What more did the pundits want them to do? They won the Ashes. They won the World Cup. They won the Twenty20 World Cup. That’s really quite a big clue. More muppetry.

4. Kelly Holmes. What the hell was she wearing? If I was a girl I am pretty sure that would have been the kind of outfit I would want to have worn when I was about twelve and going bowling with my friends Bianca and Stace.

5. James Corden. For a minute I thought he had just wandered into the wrong studio, but then he appeared on stage. And then he presented an award. If the BBC wanted him to present an award they should have had him on BBC2 getting ready to handover the Pukka Pies UK Snooker Championship trophy.

6. Andrew Strauss. Personally, I think he should have won – for reasons I have outlined before on this website – but not even coming in the top three is bizarre. He single-handedly dragged a team that was humiliated in the West Indies to winning the Ashes just five months later. It wasn’t like 2005 when England had beaten everyone in the past eighteen months. What more do our sportsmen/women have to do to please people?

7. Ryan Giggs. Yes, the big one. How the bloody hell is Ryan Giggs Sports Personality of the Year 2009? I am still trying to work it out. Yes, he had a fine year. Yes, he is a fine player. Yes, it is refreshing to have a footballer with humility in a sport where there is severe lack of it (not that that should be grounds for winning SPOTY). But seriously? He did not have a better sporting year than six World Champions. He did not have a better year than an Ashes winning captain. He did not have a better year than a tennis player who reached the ranking of number two in the world. He did not have a better year than a six-time Tour de France stage winner. Give him a lifetime achievement award someday, sure, but no one can tell me he deserved to beat the other nine contenders this year. But as you voted for him, please try. I really need to understand this.

December 14, 2009
7 Reasons To Holiday At The Airport

1. Anticipation. Getting on a plane is quite exciting. (Unless you’re going on a business trip to the middle of Russia. But let’s assume you are not). Let’s assume you are supposedly going somewhere nice. Kingston, Jamaica for example. That really is quite exciting. The thought of spending time on a beach and hanging around with people who say, ‘No problum marn’ a lot, is very exciting. Holiday-ing at an airport means you can experience this anticipation every minute of everyday.

2. Duty-Free. The airport is full of it. You can stock up on so many gifts. And let’s face it, no one can have too many AAA sized batteries or an adaptor for the electrical system in Outer Mongolia.

3. Joy. There probably aren’t many more wonderful places than the arrivals gate at an airport. Unless it’s in an airport in the middle of Russia and you are on a business trip. But you’re not are you? You are on holiday in Heathrow Terminal 5. Here you witness thousands upon thousands of people being reunited with family and friends. It’s a beautiful sight. One that makes you feel up warm and fuzzy inside. Incidentally, it is also a hotspot for the exchange of boomerangs, sombreros and ushankas.

4. Cheap Thrills. Apparently it’s actually illegal to holiday in an airport. Which makes it all the more fun to try and do it. The thrill of hiding in a cupboard in Sunglasses Hut hoping that no one will find you has no equal. I imagine it’s like having sex in a lift. But I wouldn’t know. I have always worried about what the other people in the lift would think. Especially the girl’s boyfriend.

5. Get A Job. Obviously you’d struggle to get a job in McDonald’s as you left your P45 at home, but, as Tom Hanks showed in The Terminal, there is always a bit of building work that needs doing. It’s cash-in-hand and you get to meet Catherine Zeta-Jones. Bonus.

6. Get On TV. People are always filming at airports. If they aren’t filming Paris Hilton then they will be filming a real man’s man in the form of Jeremy Spake. All you need to do is wander onto the wrong plane and suddenly he’s all over you. He could make you a star. Or make you go home. He’s like marmite.

7. Comedy. The queue for check-in is a remarkable place. On average people have to queue up for ten minutes. And in those ten minutes they check they have their passport about 40 times. Then they check their watch 50 times before looking anxiously at the departures board. Then they make sure the padlock on their suitcase is locked about 72 times. Then they get to the check-in desk and realise their passport expired three weeks ago. Oh, the look on their sorry little faces is a picture. Enjoy it.

December 10, 2009
7 Reasons not to Dance

1. Marital Disharmony. In the Edwardian era, dancing was a gentle affair and the worst thing that could happen while dancing with your wife was that you might tread on her foot. This may have led to some resentment, but nothing that would distract a man from guzzling brandy and smoking cigars in his library or waxing his moustache in the bathroom. Modern dancing, however, is less well structured and far more vigorous. These days, when dancing after a sherry or two, it’s all too easy to inadvertently stumble and face-plant your partner onto the dance-floor. This can lead to months of tutting, silences and chores that urgently need doing on a Saturday afternoon.

2. Deviance. George Bernard Shaw said that dancing is the “…vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” This is a fair statement. Salsa dancing and the Tango, for example, have a degree of eroticism that would seem to indicate carnal intent. What though, should we make of Riverdance? What could the stiff, immobile arms and motionless head, neck and upper torso in combination with the preposterous, maniacally-flailing leg movements of Riverdancers indicate that they want to do in the bedroom? Whatever it is, I don’t want any part of it, and I don’t want to hear it through the wall either.

3. Death. Ah, the Tango; that moody dance from Argentina; so sensual, so visually arresting and so beloved of film-makers. If you meet a lusty, long-limbed, raven-haired, wild-eyed beauty, under no circumstance should you dance the Tango with him/her because, as we have learned from Hollywood movies, you will die. It’s one of the rules of cinema that if you dance the Tango in a film you will be stabbed or shot by your partner’s jealous lover/former lover, usually in an alley outside a Buenos Aires dance hall.

4. Geography. This is a map of where your feet need to be when dancing. If you don’t understand this diagram (and I think that’s all of us) you shouldn’t be dancing. Who knows what could happen or where you might end up? If you do understand this diagram then your chances of meeting a dance partner are negligible, by the way.

5. Strictly No Dancing. Ballroom dancing is a great reason not to dance. If you have no desire to paint yourself orange and dress in tight, sequinned, garishly-hued, puff-sleeved creations (the ladies outfits are even more preposterous) and twirl around with your teeth clenched then you should avoid ballroom dancing at all costs. Not ballroom dancing also minimises your risk of having to go to Blackpool.

6. Boycott. One of my local bars has a sign that says “Do not take lasses onto the dance floor”. There’s no way you should go and dance without taking your lass, so we boycott dancing at this venue.

7. Weddings. If there is an occasion that you shouldn’t dance at it’s a wedding. If you do anything freakish or memorable on the dance floor in front of the friends and family that you rarely see, you will forever be defined by it, as witnessing whatever it was that you did on the dance floor will be your extended family’s shared experience of you. They will bring it up at every social occasion you attend from that moment on, and if you don’t believe me, ask Sweaty Uncle Richard.

December 5, 2009
7 Reasons The Tiger Woods ‘Story’ Is Annoying Me

1. It’s All In The Name. Half the people commenting on this story don’t even know who Tiger Woods is. I have lost count of the number of times I have seen his name written Tiger Wood or Tiger Wood’s. There are two things that really annoy me in life. Spelling names incorrectly is one of them. How hard can it be? There should be a rule. Only people who can spell properly are allowed to live. (The second thing that annoys me is when people ask, ‘Are the US/Australia/France/Bognor-bloody-Regis ahead or behind us in time?’ It’s simple geography people).

2. The Jokes. They are quite frankly rubbish. They’re obvious, poorly written, usually spelt incorrectly and not funny. Ten minutes after news of his car crash broke, everyone in the world had come up with, ‘What’s the difference between an SUV and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball!’. So why then are people still posting it? Just shut up the lot of you.

3. Here, There and Everywhere. It’s dominating all media outlets. There are reports in the news, sport and entertainment sections. And they all say the same bloody thing. ‘Tiger Woods may or may not have had sexual relations with cocktail waitresses.’ Firstly, I don’t care. Secondly, it isn’t news. You may as well write, ‘Jonathan Lee may or may not have had sexual relations with a cocktail waitress,’ for all the fact that the statement contains.

4. It’s Not Happening. If the allegations are true, a few people will be outraged. But that’s it. No one is going to make an example out of him. Tiger is too big a star to be dropped by those who sponsor him. Not even Nike. Nike need Tiger more than he needs them. This is the world we live in. I don’t care whether you like it or not. It’s a fact. Nothing is going to change so get over it. Stop wasting your time by drawing up pointless petitions asking Nike to drop him. It. Will. Not. Happen.

5. We are all human. I’ve seen a lot of people say that his transgressions just show Tiger Woods is human. What?! He was a robot before was he? And since when did having an affair become acceptable? If he did have an affair, he’s an idiot. Simple as that. If you think he should be forgiven in an instant, it’s because you have been sleeping around yourself. The fact that Tiger may have done it too, makes you feel just a little bit less guilty. Twat.

6. Tiger Woods’ Downfall. There’s always a bloody Downfall spoof. And it’s always the same bloody clip. Yawn.

7. I’m A Loser. I end up writing about it. Even though I am bored to death of the story, think everyone writing or commenting on it is a muppet and my heart says I shouldn’t join in, I do. The fact is, I know it’s what people want to read about. I know that if I write it this website will get billions of hits. So I have a dilemma. Stick to my moral convictions or put on my business hat. Obviously I have no morals. It makes me sick.

December 4, 2009
7 Reasons To Become An Artist

1. Name. You can change it. To anything you like. Banksy. Hotelsy. Police Stationsy. No one cares. They just think you are cool and will queue up for hours to see your latest graffiti on the toilet wall.

2. It’s A Con. You can do anything and call it art. Take Tracey Emin for instance. No, actually don’t bother. No one is quite sure where she has been. Instead take a look above. That’s Emin’s artwork. My Bed it’s called. The Saatchi Gallery describe it thus, ‘Tracey Emin shows us her own bed, in all its embarrassing glory. Empty booze bottles, fag butts, stained sheets, worn panties: the bloody aftermath of a nervous breakdown. By presenting her bed as art, Tracey Emin shares her most personal space, revealing she’s as insecure and imperfect as the rest of the world‘. This is how Jonathan Lee describes it, ‘Bollocks‘.

3. Entrepreneurship. We’re in a recession here in the UK. You aren’t going to find a job. So become an artist. All you have to do is pop down to the scrap heap and pick up a bit of metal. Whack it with a hammer a few times and suddenly you have something you can call ‘The Distressed Pigeon’. Then go on Dragon’s Den and wink at James Cann a few times. You’ll be a millionaire before you can say, ‘Gordon Brown won the election! What the…’

4. Nudes. Apparently you get to paint nudes if you are an artist. The only reason I know this is because I occasionally walk back from Hammersmith past an art school. Look through the window and all you can see are naked people covered in paint. Someone out there is making a killing on the sale of White Spirit.

5. Van Cough. Not to be mistaken with Van Gogh. Well, actually, yes he is. Rory Bremner makes a fortune spoofing Blair and Brown and the like, so why not become the first art spoofer? A spoofer is very different to a forger. You can get arrested for forging art. For spoofing it you could probably earn £1.56 a week by showcasing your work on a website. You just have to make the Sunflowers look ironic or something. You’ll be a cult leader in no time.

6. Vive la France. You may be French or you may just own a beret. Whichever it is, it is illegal to own a beret and not be an artist. If you are caught wearing a beret while not working in the arts, you will be sacked and forced to sell onions from tights.

7. Drugs. Now I am not advocating taking anything illegal here, I am really addressing those already addicted. There is no doubt that being high improves your creative output. Just look at The Beatles or Brian Wilson or Silvio Berlusconi. Though thinking about it, I guess the only reason Berlusconi got high was viagra. So ignore that example. Viagra doesn’t count. I’m taking about proper Class A drugs. If you are on something, as by the law of averages at least one of our readers surely must be, then maybe think about paying for your habit by drawing what you see in the twilight zone? It’s not like anyone is going to try and find out if you are portraying the truth or not, is it?

November 30, 2009
7 Reasons Not to Have Children

1. Toys. There are toys everywhere. If you have children, you have to get rid of your toys and replace them with stuffed animals and pushchairs.

2. The Zoo. Adults don’t take other adults to the zoo, they only take children there (a lot). If you don’t have children then you don’t have to go to the zoo. This is a good thing as zoos are expensive and alternately boring, terrifying, disgusting and smelly. You can see far more interesting animals acting naturally in their own environments by watching David Attenborough documentaries from the comfort of your own sofa. You can eat a sandwich while you do this. Would anyone want to take a sandwich to the zoo? Of course not, a monkey would probably throw its poo at you while you were eating; a monkey in a cage that has nothing better to do. Who wants to visit the animal prison? Not me.

3. Sport. Sport’s a lot better when you don’t have children. If you participate in a sport on a regular basis then your spouse will rarely come to see you, and will take little interest in your performance when they do. This is good, as you can exaggerate your sporting prowess in years to come. When you have children, however, they will often get taken along to matches. This is bad, as children can be observant and cruel. If, for example, you turn out for a rugby team and are particularly injury prone, then having children is a very bad idea. They stand on the sidelines watching you make your return to the team after a lengthy lay-off and, ten minutes into the match, when you break yet another bone (the collar-bone, for example), they exclaim “Christ! He’s the Evel Knievel of Seaford Rugby Club”. In years to come they will complain that they spent most of their childhood weekends in the Casualty Department waiting room while you went for stitches or to have a broken collar-bone/arm/ankle/ribs(3 times)/nose(monthly)/shoulder treated. For the next twenty-five years or so their resentment at their lost childhood will manifest itself as a series of reminiscences at family gatherings whenever you mention your sporting career. “Was that the match when the nurse gave us chocolate?” one of your children will enquire, “No, it was the match when the ambulance crashed into the van” another will reply. Children are so cruel that they may eventually write about it on a website.

4. Butt-Power. A small child will jump up and run to the centre of the café you’re dining in and, thrusting his right arm heavenward, shout with all the volume he can muster, “Butt-Power!” for no apparent reason. The other customers will all turn to stare at you, the parent. This is embarrassing.

5. Money. Parents often complain about the costs involved in owning a child. We’ve all witnessed first-hand how expensive children can be. In the supermarket, harassed, distracted parents pushing a trolley full of the weekly shopping often miss several of the items that their mischievous progeny surreptitiously add to the trolley. Nuts, biscuits, jam, cotton wool balls, muffins, string, children don’t care what they’re putting in there, they’re just “helping”. Let’s say they get away with £5 of extra items per week, multiply that by the fifty-two weeks of the year and then multiply it by the eighteen years until they are grown-up. That’s almost £5000 pounds worth of stuff that you don’t need. That’s a lot. That’s 5000 lottery tickets you could have bought.

6. Hair loss. Each generation grows successively taller, so your children are probably going to be taller than you. This means that they will be able to see your bald spot. They will draw it to everyone’s attention and call you “Baldy”.

7. Harry Potter. If you don’t have children then you don’t have to have anything to do with Harry Potter. You don’t have to see the films, you don’t have to read the books, you don’t have to play the computer games, you don’t have to queue for hours outside Borders in the rain waiting for the latest edition, you don’t have to know anything about witches, warlocks, muggles, fairies or quidditch, you don’t have to talk total guff. No children: No Potter.

November 27, 2009
7 Reasons For 7Reasons.org

1. Enjoyment. We’ve been running our 7 Reasons blog for a while now. We really enjoy it, and other people have been enjoying it too. We want to keep on enjoying.

2. The name. The blog was called 7reasons-sevenreasons.blogspot.com as this was the best name we could get on Blogger. That’s a seriously rubbish name, it’s totally unmemorable and we want to make a 7Reasons.org mug. If we’d made a 7reasons-sevenreasons.blogspot.com mug it would be huge and useless for drinking coffee from. Its size would mean that it was only suitable for the sort of unsophisticated chap who thinks that drinking an enormous quantity of tea is a good idea.

3. Help. 7 Reasons is basically a self-help guide, so people deserve to find it. The catchy new name should help them do this. It’s help (non-self).

4. Blogger. We had quite a few issues when using Blogger as a host. We would often discover that when we viewed our meticulously crafted posts on the blog, that they had been re-spaced and re-sized, that the font style had changed with bold type often randomly added. We found that undoing this was rather tricky and time-consuming. We also found that it was often difficult to log in. On the day that we launched the blog, for example, neither of us could log in to post our debut list. This sort of thing was unacceptable and we hope that with our own site we can eradicate this sort of issue. In fairness to Blogger, I should point out that their services are free and that the co-authors of this website both continue to host their personal blogs there.

5. New Stuff. Now that we have our own site, we have a huge scope for new functions and features. We’re going to be tinkering and adding new stuff as we go along. We’re not sure what yet, but it will be new and it will be stuff. We’d love to hear suggestions.

6. Email. Our old email address was, like the old site name, large and unmemorable. Our new email address is [email protected], which is a vast improvement. Consequently, we expect to receive more emails from readers, with their suggestions for topics, for website features and functions and (we really hope this happens) complete 7 Reasons lists. We know that you’re erudite and funny, we read the comments. Why not have a go yourself?

7. The World. Hitler wanted to take over the world, we do too. We see this as the next stage in our quest for world domination. 7 reasons that Marc and Jon should run the world, there’s an idea…

November 16, 2009
7 Reasons Why Songwriting Is Easy

1. Tackle Dangerous Ground. You can take two areas that should just not work together, i.e.: sex and fire, and merge them. You couldn’t show two people having a fondle on a bonfire in a TV show, but you can write a song called Sex On Fire and it’s fine.

2. Huge Creative License. You can call something something when it’s not actually that something. Alanis Morissette’s Ironic for example. “It’s like rain on your wedding day.” This is not ironic. It’s unlucky. Or to be expected if you book your wedding for a Tuesday afternoon in January. It always rains on a Tuesday afternoon in January.

3. Endorse Nonsense. You can write things that don’t make sense and never will make sense. Yet listeners will spend ages being confused by them. “Are we human or are we dancer?” I haven’t got a clue what Brandon Flowers is on about. And are the two things really mutually exclusive? Can’t we be a human who dances? Or is he suggesting we’re puppets? I am no puppet Flowers. I’m going to go and listen to Coldplay.

4. Lack Genius. You can be a simpleton and write a song. No offence to Lady Gaga, but I am pretty sure I came up with the lyrics to Bad Romance when I was about two months old. “Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance.” Just shut up you silly, silly woman.

5. Promote Drugs. You can tell people what it’s like to be addicted to drugs and, in the process, make it sound awesome. “We skipped a light fandango. Turned cartwheels cross the floor. I was feeling kind of seasick. But the crowd called out for more.” Whatever Procol Harum were on, I want some.

6. Promote Drugs. You can tell people what it’s like to be addicted to drugs and, in the process, make it sound bloody awful. “I am the eggman. They are the eggman. I am the walrus. Goo Goo g’joob.” Whatever The Beatles were on, I don’t want to go anywhere near it.

7. Promote Sex. And more to the point, promote extramarital sex. All you have to do is write the lyrics in French and get the singer to have an orgasm at the end of the song. Then Bingo! There is your hit. Between you and me I think Jane Birkin was faking it though. Je vais et je viens, entre tes reins.

November 15, 2009