Tag: Humor

7 Reasons To Like Doors

1. The bedroom door. No matter what age you are, whether you share it or are its sole occupant, your bedroom is a private place to do private things. Whether you are a teenage boy practising your faces in the mirror, a thirty year old man playing World of Warcraft on his computer or a fully grown woman singing-along into her hairbrush, your privacy is protected by the door. If it weren’t for the door your siblings, parents, children, housemates and curious pets would be free to spectate on, or join in with, your bedroom activities. Hurrah for the bedroom door.

2. The bedroom door. If there were no doors then your parents’ bedroom would be open. There is nothing that happens in there that you should have to witness. Nothing. Not ever. Never. No.

3. Locks. If there were no doors, there would be no door-locks. They deter burglars, vandals, squatters and perverts from entering your house. Also, the ability to retain keys is what separates us from the animals, and from my friend Rachel.

4. Slamming. Slamming the door on your way out is like adding an exclamation-mark to a furious exit; without doors you’d have to shout “pow” or kick the wall. This wouldn’t be as effective and you might feel silly.

5. The Doors. Without doors, The Doors would have been called The, which would have been rubbish. It would also have confused fans of The The – and me.

6. Knocking. If there were no front doors, there would be nothing for the pizza-delivery-man to knock on and many Americans would starve to death…eventually.

7. The wardrobe door. If there were no doors, your wardrobe would be open and the contents would be visible. Is there a more effective way to repel a new lover than letting them glimpse the saggy jogging-bottoms and moth-eaten, bobbly cardigan that you wear around the house? Without the wardrobe door, your new suitor would be able to see the future and you would be single forever.

Leaving a comment is like providing a window to your soul. We like windows.

November 13, 2009
7 Reasons People Love Lists

1. Order. Your life is busy. You just have so many things to do. So many things that, sometimes, you forget to pack your knickers or eat more than spaghetti hoops all day. A list is a cure. It brings order to the chaos of your mind. You won’t embarrass yourself again.

2. Stationery. A list gives you a chance to use those highlighters your grandparents bought you five years ago. And the A4 pad. Andthe gold star stickers. And the 23 pencils. And the car shaped pencil sharpener that has moving wheels. And the book, How To Write The Perfect List.

3. Format. ‘The Nation’s 50 Favourite Types of Sock’ will easily take up an hour of Channel 4’s schedule or a six page spread inHaberdashery Monthly. Why waste time doing something that will involve thinking? Lists are a part of ‘Broken Britain’ and we should be proud about that.

4. Focus. You can prioritise what needs doing. 1 – Watch the rugby.2 – Watch the wife do the ironing. 3 – Mend the iron.

5. Targets. History shows that if you write your targets down when you are a young whippersnapper, they will more often than not be accomplished. Think about it. Benjamin Franklin had targets. Jonny Wilkinson had targets. Jack The Ripper had targets. Exactly.

6. Throwing. Is there a better feeling than screwing up a now completed list and chucking it across the room towards the bin? Absolutely not. Especially when your boss walks into the trajectory of its flight and it lands in his coffee, splashing hot liquid all over his shirt and causing first degree burns on his stupid Mickey Mouse tie.

7. Prevention. Drawing up a list stops us getting on with what we should be doing. And as that’s picking up next door’s children from the swimming pool, it’s good thing. They’re ugly and should not be seen anywhere near a 1998 Volvo Estate.

November 12, 2009
7 Reasons TV Adverts Annoy Us

1. Interruptions. Let’s start with the obvious. Ads interrupt programmes. And just when you are getting into them as well. Now you have to wait five minutes to see if the bloke is dead or not. Then you find out he isn’t and curse the show for being unrealistic. He shot him in the head for goodness sake.

2. Voiceovers. That famous bloke is doing the voiceover for a financial advert. You just can’t place the voice. You spend the whole evening trying to work out who it is. You can’t sleep. You are tired the next day. The presentation goes badly. You get fired.

3. False Advertising. Some of the claims that adverts make are quite frankly bollocks. Take Gaviscon for example. ‘Oh no! I have heartburn. I won’t be able to save the stranded hiker using my rescue helicopter. I know! I’ll have some Gaviscon. That’s much better. Now I can save lives.’

4. Michael Winner. If Michael Winner is not annoying enough, it’s his bloody stupid catchphrase, “Don’t worry dear, it’s a commercial”. Twat.

5. Dubbing. It’s an advert for some sort of grooming product. Probably a razor. Or Just For Men. The gaudy font clearly shows it’s an American advert, so why have they employed some Brits to dub over the top? And why does it never sync properly? It’s just very, very poor workmanship.

6. They’re loud. Because everyone knows we go to the kitchen during the break, the ads are 50db louder than the show you are watching. Naturally, you turn the volume down as the adverts start. When you get back in the room you forget to turn it up again though. As a result you miss the really important conversation that explains how Inspector Frost knew the murderer was the one with the wooden leg and the false eye lashes.

7. They can’t keep it real. Not all adverts are bad. The spectacularNicole and Papa ads for Renault Clio had the British public on tenterhooks. I don’t know how many Renault Clio’s were actually sold, but that is hardly the point. Nicole was fit. As this – one of the first ads in the series – proves.

As the series went on we fell in love. With Nicole, Papa and the Clios. So much so that 23 million of us tuned in for this – the final outing. But, of course, the advertising agency just had to ruin it for us didn’t they?

Reeves and Mortimer? What the hell were they thinking? A nation mourned and Nicole ended up working for Rover. She was made redundant in 2004 and now sells ice-cream from the back of a burger van.*

*This is not true.

I feel much better now. Amazing to think I used to be in advertising really

November 10, 2009
7 Reasons That Coffee is Better Than Tea

1. Coffee doesn’t taste of tea.

2. Tea doesn’t come with nearly enough paraphernalia. A pot and a little sieve thing? Bags? Coffee comes with roasters, grinders, steamers, frothers, espresso makers and brewers; They’re all enormously expensive and very, very shiny. Brilliant!

3. You don’t have to stick your little finger out when drinking coffee which, on the evidence of this picture, is a very good thing indeed.

4. Italian is the language of coffee: Espresso, cappuccino, machiato, latte, americano; how great do they sound? English is the language of tea: with milk, without milk, with sugar, without sugar, teabag; not so impressive.

5. Gareth Hunt.

6. The Boston Tea Party. A whole nation rose up and rejected tea. Who are we to argue with that? Obviously they let themselves down by rejecting association football and the word “trousers” but they were right about the tea.

7. Coffee Rage is a known and accepted phenomenon. Does tea have a rage? No.

Do you have additional reasons? Share them with us in the comments section. And if you enjoyed reading this tell your friends, they’ll probably enjoy it too.

November 7, 2009
7 Reasons A Child Should Never Be Given The Guinness Book Of World Records

1. It’s a book. There is nothing worse than receiving a book when you are a child. Especially when the book contains stupid facts about the smallest puddle and the biggest conker found in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

2. The child will have to look happy. They will be suppressing their true feelings. Feelings of anger and pain. They are basically lying to themselves and everyone else. Their future is now one of self-harm or joining MI5.

3. Everyone else in the room will say, “Wow! That’s exciting. Tell us something amazing.” And that’s when the child finds out that conkers are unusually large in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. And then they want to kill themselves. The child. Not the conkers.

4. The child will know the giver had forgotten about them. They will know the giver had to rush into Waterstone’s. They will know the giver picked up the first thing they saw on the ‘Great Gift Ideas’ table. They will be plotting revenge for years.

5. In all likelihood the child was given the book by their great aunt. This involves kissing the great aunt to say thanks. The great aunt wears dentures and smells a bit funny. It will put the child off sex with an OAP for life. (Actually, that’s probably a good thing isn’t it?)

6. It makes the child look like a geek. When all their friends come round after school to play Thundercats, Lion-O will see the book on the shelf and laugh. Cheetara and Panthro will join in. News will get back to the school and teachers will immediately label the child as a ‘swotty’ type. Forevermore they will be overlooked for the Netball team.

7. The child will age into an adult. One day they will forget that they need to buy a present for their great nephew. Thinking back to their childhood they remember getting The Guinness Book Of World Records. They head to Waterstone’s and another generation has to go through this unnecessary torture.

This is not based on a personal experience. Okay, yes it is. I wasn’t alone, was I?

November 6, 2009
7 Reasons You Said Yes

1. You’re polite. You always have been. It would have been rude to say no to the guy who asked, “Shall I jump?”

2. You were drunk. You were saying ‘Yes’ to everything because you thought it was hilarious. It wasn’t and you woke up eight hours later in a bus stop in Croydon. Without your trousers on.

3. You’re a positive person. An optimist. Saying ‘Yes’ means you won’t have any regrets. Unless you were asked by Jeremy Clarkson if he could borrow your pimped-up Vespa 150cc.

4. You met a wise man on the bus. He said, “Say yes more.” You did. You then wrote a book about it. Your name is Danny Wallace.

5. You’re not getting any younger. Let’s be honest, offers like this aren’t going to fly in at your time of life. May as well make the most of what you can get.

6. You’re in France and you desperately need the bathroom. (Cryptic).

7. You have often dreamt of joining the mile-high club. It was just circumstance that stopped you before. Like the wrong kind of person making you the offer. Now your co-pilot is a woman.

November 4, 2009
7 Reasons Top Gun Is The Most Homoerotic Movie Ever Made

1. Maverick’s preferred choice of transport are motorbikes and MiGs. He basically likes a big engine between his legs. Or being strapped in with his hands clasped on a gearstick.

2. Kelly McGillis plays the main female lead, yet she is often seen in elevators dressed as a man. She also has a ridiculously good knowledge of planes and we don’t see her shaving her legs once.

3. The most iconic quote from the movie is, “I feel the need…the need for speed!” It’s a well known fact that men can’t be bothered with foreplay. Get in there, get the job done, make some toast, watch Match of the Day. Sorted.

4. In the volleyball scene, Goose is seen wearing a t-shirt. This is not because his skin burns easily. It’s because he’s a tease.

5. Other quotes from the film include, “Okay Mav, let’s turn and burn”, “I was invaded” and “We’re in his Jet Wash.” I have looked at the manual for the US Navy Strike Fighter Tactics Instructor program and can confirm that none of these appear in the terminology section.

6. Iceman. The Baywatch style bleached hair. The hand-on-hip poses. The snapping of teeth. The wingman called Slider. The walk straight out of Village People. He’s not leaving much to the imagination is he?

7. The soundtrack. From Playing With The Boys to Great Balls Of Fireto Heaven In Your Eyes by Loverboy. It’s like being at Elton John’s house party.

Spotted the movement of Viper’s buttocks or Cougar’s pink handcuffs? We want to hear about it.

October 31, 2009
7 Reasons to Support the Postal Strike

1. There will be no post and, as a result, no bills will be delivered. This means that everything will be free. Your gas and electricity will be free. Everything you buy using a credit card will be free. There will be no bank statements so you can’t be overdrawn. Result!

2. My postman’s a whistler. He’s awful, he might be whistling tunes by The Average White Band, Perry Como or Beyonce, I can’t quite tell. Now I won’t have to.

3. The weekly letter addressed to “The Householder” from Virgin Media that offers you cheaper broadband and cable television will not arrive. There are 24.7 million households in the U.K. That means that there will be 24.7 million fewer thoughts per week about Richard Branson. That’s definitely progress.

4. The Royal Mail use red elastic bands. While there is no post none of these will be used. As a consequence the Royal Mail will order fewer red elastic bands. This will lead to a surplus which may prompt their manufacturers to put them on sale to the general public, thus making our elastic band balls more colourful (i.e. not light brown).

5. We won’t have to send birthday cards. This means that we can never forget to send a birthday card. Also, we won’t have to buy birthday cards so we will never have to visit a Clinton Cards ever again. We can just write “Happy Birthday chum” on a Facebook profile and be done with the whole business.

6. Better marital harmony. If you’re browsing on Ebay late at night, after a pint or two, the goods that you buy (which are now free, remember) will not be delivered, thus avoiding a row with my (sorry, your) wife (husband/spouse/partner/significant other/special friend/cat).

7. Postal workers are popular with dogs. Every year there are approximately 826 dog related injuries between the gate and the front door. It’s so needless. I used to live up the road from a dog. Bloody big thing it was. And it often went for the postal workers. No wonder they started disguising themselves as milkmen.

Do you have additional reasons, praise or insights? Share them with us in the comments section. All criticism and negative responses are taken far more seriously and can be posted to:

7 Reasons
P.O. Box 94
Bristol
BS13 4SR

October 29, 2009
7 Reasons Andre Agassi’s Career Should Not Be Overshadowed By Crystal Meth Admission

1. Mistakes. We make them. Human’s are pre-programmed to make errors in judgement. It’s why fifteen million people watch the X-Factor. It’s why we failed to launch this blog on time yesterday. No one means to do these things, but there is something beautiful about not being perfect..

2. Andre Agassi – the tennis playing version – was an entertainer, adored the world over for his bowing, his kissing and his silly pony tail. That is who you fell in love with. Don’t forget it.

3. His autobiography, ‘Open’ hits the shelves soon. Waterstone’s only have so much space in their stockroom. To boycott Agassi’s book, is to prevent booksellers bringing in other titles. Like ‘Methematics For Dummies’.

4. There is no evidence that Crystal Meth is a performance enhancing drug. At least in the sporting arena. All we know, is that when Agassi got high, he had an urge to whip out the feather duster and polish the bookcase. Nothing wrong with a spot of cleaning now and again is there?

5. He’s retired. The future generation of tennis stars aren’t watching Agassi. They are watching Murray and Nadal. They are the role-models of today and we should be thankful for that. The game needs bigger biceps and more monotone voices.

6. We don’t remember Jennifer Capriati or Martina Hingis for anything other than their performances on court. Or their legs. Agassi should be treated in a similar vein. His legs were superbly crafted specimens.

7. I haven’t looked at Agassi’s bank account recently, but I doubt he’s short of cash. So I don’t buy the usual, ‘let’s put this in the book to sell more copies’ accusation. I think he’s genuinely sorry and if his name is now tarnished, well, then he feels he deserves it. Or maybe his ghost writer holds a grudge?

Do you want to save Andre’s reputation? Join the campaign in the comments section.

October 28, 2009
7 Reasons This Blog Was Created

1. People like lists. This is a well known fact. Shopping lists, to-do lists, Wedding lists, the list is endless. It adds structure to people’s lives. Structure is good. It makes people feel in control. We like control.

2. Seven is one of our favourite numbers. The number seven is the only number less than fifteen which cannot be represented as the sum of the squares of three integers. We like that (probably).

3. It gives us something to think about on the train or the bus or while walking to the post box. Instead of thinking, ‘Isn’t that woman’s blouse so last season?’ it gives us the chance to think of seven reasons why she is wearing that blouse. This tests our imagination. We like creativity.

4. On average we waste seven minutes a day thinking, ‘what shall I do next’. That’s the equivalent of 42 hours a year. In 42 hours you could comfortably travel around the world or hold your breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. Both of these are highly dangerous and more often that not result in Deep Vein Thrombosis or death. This blog is an antidote to both. We like saving lives.

5. Sometimes people take things far too seriously. Life should not be about taking things seriously. It should be about frivolity and nonsense. Seriousness gives us sensible shoes and Jeremy Paxman. They are bad. It’s time to be far more light-hearted. We like joy.

6. Sometimes people don’t take things at all seriously. They should. Life is a serious business. Without seriousness we get Balloon Boy and Ken Dodd. They are bad. It’s time to look at things with far more thoughtfulness. We like serious.

7. It’s the 21st Century and in the 21st Century you have to be able to back up what you say or do. It’s no good saying, ‘I just bought a new drill’ and then shrugging when your loved one asks why. You must have a reason. Other than, ‘because it had 25% off’. So there needs to be a database to help you answer that question. This is what we will provide. We like drills.

Do you have additional reasons or anything else you want to get off your chest? Share them or it with us in the comments section.

October 27, 2009