7 Reasons You Upset A Woman
Upsetting a woman is never very clever. Which is why man tries to avoid doing it. Unfortunately, trying is never really good enough. Sometimes we – and I speak on behalf of all man here – just end up in a situation where we can’t help but say something amusing. And make no mistake about it, what we say is amusing. It’s just that the fairer sex can’t see it. And so for some reason they get a bit annoyed. Here are seven examples of things we have have said to women that didn’t go down as well as they should have.
1. “Wow. You’ve got evil eyes!”
Discovered: Friday 26th September 2009
Discovered by: Jon
Location: The Bedford, Balham
Circumstances: Girl standing next to me was staring into my brain.
Excuse(s): 1- Not sober. 2 – It was true. Consequence(s): 1 – Verbal abuse. 2 – Harmed Anglo-Cuban relations. 3 – Forced to down some alcoholic concoction that contained Sambuca and Absinthe.
Positive(s): 1 – Free Drink.
Action to take next time: Advise her to invest in a pair of large sunglasses.
2. “Is you sister really more dull than you or is that just not possible?”
Discovered by: Simon
Location: A pub in St Andrews, Fife
Circumstances: I had endured a term of stories presented as being fascinating and exciting, in reality they were dull tales of life in Aberfeldy, mostly involving horse riding. She was preparing us for her sisters visit the next day by explaining that in comparison to her sibling she was the life and soul of the party.
Excuse(s): 1 – Really not sober. 2 – Boredom following months of dull stories.
Consequence(s): 1 –Having a most of a pint thrown over me. 2 – Loss of the pint for drinking purposes. 3 – Damage to a really rather nice shirt. 4 – Damage to Anglo-Scottish relations.
Positive(s): 1- I didn’t have to meet the sister (which was very much on the cards) 2 – I never heard any more dull stories about horse-riding in Aberfeldy (or anything else for that matter).
Action to take next time: Wait till you’ve met the sister and then compliment the first woman on how interesting and fun she is.
3. “I’m not really keen on it, do you still have the blue one?”
Discovered: December 1997
Discovered by: Marc
Location: My then girlfriend’s bedroom.
Circumstances: I was asked my opinion on the dress that she intended to wear to the Christmas Ball, ten minutes before we were due to leave.
Excuse(s): 1 – I’m very honest.
Consequence(s): 1 – I attended the 1997 Christmas Ball without a date.
Positive(s): 1 – I was able to spend time with friends. 2 – I was able to break wind without apologising. 3 – I still don’t get asked my opinion on dresses.
Action to take next time: Like the green one, no matter how inferior it is to the blue one.
4. “Well, not anymore he doesn’t, he’s dead.”
Discovered: Late 2007
Discovered by: Jon
Location: My old flat in Crystal Palace
Circumstances: Having a discussion with my flatmate about her dog. I found out he had been run over some years previously. Flatmate said something along the lines of, ‘He loves running around the garden’.
Excuse(s): 1 – I was trying to be amusing.
Consequence(s): 1 – She stared at me, looked a bit shocked, then left the room. 2 – I felt a bit uncomfortable. Positive(s): 1 – I could change the TV channel.
Action to take next time: Don’t comment on photos of dogs that may be on the mantel piece.
5. “Piss off, Hitler!”
Discovered: Autumn 2009
Discovered by: Marc
Location: The upstairs landing.
Circumstances: My wife was attempting to comedy-slap me on the forehead with her right hand. I anticipated this and stepped backwards to avoid her hand. This left her standing with her right arm fully outstretched in what could have been interpreted as a Nazi salute.
Excuse(s): 1 – It was funny.
Consequence(s): 1 – She poked her tongue out. 2 – She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead. Positive(s): 1 – I was able to ascertain what flavour squash she had been drinking from the colour of her tongue. 2 – She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead.
Action to take next time: I’m not sure yet. “Piss off, Goebbels?”
6. “It’s because they’re for girls.”
Discovered: 13th December 2009
Discovered by: Marc
Location: A Department Store
Circumstances: My wife and I were browsing in the kitchen section of a local department store. She spotted a new range of mops, brooms, dustpans and brushes with a floral motif on their handles. “Why are they covered in flowers?” she enquired.
Excuse(s): 1 – It was funny. 2 – Shopping is dull and needs enlivening.
Consequence(s): 1 – I received a look of utter contempt from my wife. 2 – The man next to us laughed loudly, but briefly, before he stifled it. 3 – The woman next to us scowled at the man next to us (presumably her husband) causing him to stifle his laughter. 4 – The woman next to us scowled at me.
Positive(s): 1 – I am becoming familiar with the use of mops, brooms, dustpans and brushes.
Action to take next time: Browse in the tools section.
7. “You are like an oven. When I turn you on, you get hot.”
Discovered: Sunday 5th October 2009
Discovered by: Bri McIntosh
Circumstances: Brian McIntosh sharing his best chat-up lines with the female world.
Excuse(s): There aren’t any.
Consequence(s): 1 – Mirth all round. 2 – Much ridicule. 3 – Re-Tweeted around the world. 4 – Posted on many blogs.
Positive(s): None for Brian. Constant source of laughter for everyone else.
Action to take next time: Don’t talk to girls. On or offline.
Are you a man? If so, we want to know what you said. Just head over to our contact page and you may see yourself on this site very soon. Especially if your words of wisdom resulted in plates being thrown.