Tag: Birds

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Take A Cruise To South America

Cruises aren’t just for oldies with a lust for tea-dancing. Oh no. They are – believe it or not – getting cooler. And part of it is about the destinations. You don’t have to go to Malta anymore to sit on a dinky balcony and turn your skin to leather. You don’t even have to don a sparkly kaftan or a pair of Speedos to wade the waters of the Caribbean while local kids try to flog you miniature bongo drums.

So without further ado, here are seven reasons why a cruise to achingly hip South America is the thing to do:

1. You’ll see lots of boobies. Wait, now don’t get too excited. I’m talking about blue-footed boobies – a type of bird with sky blue feet which lives all over the Galapagos Islands. Choose the right time of year to go and you’ll see them doing the dance moves of their courtship dance – quite an amusing spectacle.

2. Sweat it out in the Amazon. Take a river cruise down the planet’s biggest river and you’ll really learn what it means to sweat. Even if you’re a gym regular, or a Bikram yoga fan, you’ll reach new heights of perspiration in this equatorial region. When you’re not wiping your brow, you’ll see chattering monkeys and native villages, and maybe even fish for piranhas.

3. Get the Horn. Some itineraries sail all the way under Cape Horn – the furthest south point in Chile. Early round-the-world sailors had to take this route before the Panama Canal was built. It’s pretty spectacular: glaciers, fjords, whales, penguins and condors will guide your way. Just keep an eye out for icebergs, eh?

4. Get high. Bolivian drug dens aside, there is plenty of stuff to get you high – quite literally – in South America. Choose cultural cruise which drops you off on the Peruvian coastline for an inland trip to the Lost City of Machu Picchu. Here, nearly 2,500 metres above sea level, you’ll have shortness of breath from both the altitude and the view. Chill out back at the beach with a few Pisco Sours before moving on.

5. Spy on supermodels. Ah, Brazil. Forget about feeling insecure in your frumpy on-piece and do what every other tourist does: find a prime viewing spot on Copacabana and watch the local ladies and gents play a hot and sweaty game of beach volleyball. It’s a beautiful thing. The teeny bikinis, the even smaller trunks, the toned, tanned flesh… these people really know how to look gorgeous, and they are used to being stared at.

6. Tango in Buenos Aires. The capital of Argentina is a city that keeps on giving. The locals will teach you how to stay up all night and then go straight to work for the day, and they’ll laugh it off when you ask them why the country has the highest number of psychiatrists per capita. Let them teach you to tango and you’ll be made an absolute fool of – but that’s half the fun. Knock back the red wine and get on with it. If you can get into a tangle with a luscious local, all the better!

7. Gurn at giant tortoises. The Galapagos Islands, as we’ve already seen, have such amusing animals as the blue-footed booby. But the giant tortoises take the trophy for oddest animal. These wrinkled old things staggering about the Darwin Research Centre look a lot like a bunch of retirees on an outing. Expressive and painfully slow, copy their gurning for some holiday photos you will want to frame and hang in the living room.

Article courtesy of Exsus South America

July 27, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Need Bird Proofing

Pigeons. Seagulls. Rooks. Seagulls. There are many species of birds that cause a real nuisance – from squawks and screeches these birds create an awful amount of mess, ruin roofs and can be incredibly aggressive too. To deal with these pesky pests you may need to invest in a bit of bird proofing. Here’s seven reasons why.

The flock gathered to watch their next victim

1. Pigeons Are Rats With Wings. Let’s face it, no-one loves pigeons. Especially city-dwelling pigeons. They multiply at an amazing rate, they get into roof spaces when roosting and structurally damage buildings with their copious amounts of mess. Throw in the feathers they leave behind everywhere and

2. Rooks Are Noisy. If you live in the country, you’ll know all about rooks. They are very sociable birds and form nests high in treetops and they can number hundreds, if not thousands at a time – as such the noise is terrible! From as early as 4am these birds can cause a real racket – if you’re a country retreat or hotel you’ll know about it from the amount of complaints you’ll get!

3. Seagulls Are Aggressive. Oh I don’t like to be beside the seaside! Ever been for a nice walk on the beach or pier and had your fish and chip lunch ruined by aggressive seagulls? They cause a real headache for seaside businesses through their mess – and they can be pretty scary too! They are very territorial birds – get near their nest and you’ll know about it. Plus they can spread salmonella. Yuck.

4. Starlings Anger Gardeners. If you’ve got green fingers, the starling is your main enemy. These birds eat grubs, grains and seeds and will happily chomp away at your green shoots. Plus if that wasn’t bad enough their droppings can cause real problems – they carry a fungal respiratory disease that grows in soil, so if you’re growing fruit and veg you can really make your family ill.

5. Canada Geese Scare Pilots. Canada Geese are not only noisy, opportunistic feeders, they flock together. If you’re a pilot – you are scared of these birds. They flock together and if they get sucked into a plane’s jet engine…well the consequences are unthinkable.

6. Bird Proofing Isn’t Expensive. Believe it or not, bird proofing solutions aren’t expensive. They can range from putting up simple bird netting and bird spikes, to things like electrical deterrents and wire deterrent systems. Contact your local pest control company who will often carry out a free survey to see what you need!

7. Hawking Is Cool. We’re going to say it – hawking is cool. It’s probably the most expensive bird control solution, but it pits nature against nature. Hawks convince gulls and pigeons that there is a real threat in their nesting area, which makes those pesky birds scarper. Watching these beautiful birds fly up and scare away pigeons and gulls is a sight to behold.

So there you have it. Seven simple reasons you need bird proofing if you’ve got problem birds. For more information, check out www.nbcbirdandpest.co.uk.

April 20, 2012
7 Reasons To Be A Birdman

The other month, Worthing did something that it had never done before. It appealed to me. Or, to be more precise, the Worthing International Birdman Competition appealed to me. Lots of muppets chucking themselves off Worthing pier. Brilliant. I doubt they needed persuading, but if you have ever considered being a Birdman, here are seven compelling reasons why you should definitely do it.

1. The Horn. We’re all a little bit kinky at heart. We probably won’t admit it – which is why I’m admitting it on your behalf – but the idea of spandex and lycra is not all too alien to us. Opportunities to wear such attire rarely show themselves however, which is why being a Birdman is the perfect excuse. You could be Superman or Bananaman or Robin or a Dominatrix. You get a cheap thrill and no one bats an eye lid. Perfect.

2. Funding. If you went up to your friends and said, “I’m dressing up as Peter Pan, can I have a fiver?” you’d probably get laughed out of the room. Well, pushed anyway. Saying that you’re doing if for charity though and they’ll be far quicker to the cash point. Of course you’re not going to give it to charity, you’re just funding your unemployment habit.

3. Cred. R Kelly’s masterpiece I Believe I Can Fly is often cited as being thoroughly whimsical. No one really believes they can fly. Not even me after half a Peroni. Being a Birdman, though, gives this song new credibility. So, if you don’t want to be a Birdman so you can throw yourself off a pier, do it for Robert Sylvester.

4. Impress. Why was Superman so popular with the ladies? It wasn’t his glasses. Or his ability to stalk Lois Lane. It was because he could fly. And perhaps because he could protect you against just about anything that wasn’t within close proximity of a green, shiny rock. Mainly though, it was because he could fly. So, if there is someone out there you want to impress – and your 1995 Premier League Sticker Album is failing to do the magic – be a Birdman. (As for why Superman was so popular with the men. Well that comes down to Teri Hatcher. Superman managed to marry her, James Bond managed to get her killed. Muppet.).

5. Punishment. Maybe you’ve let yourself down. Perhaps you dropped a catch. Perhaps you shouted at your Mum. If you are not a Roman Catholic you gave not ask for forgiveness, so go and be a Birdman. A poor Birdman though. It is your duty to simply belly flop off the pier. That is your comeuppance. And if it doesn’t hurt, do it again. And again. And again. Only when you have tears in your eyes and at least one broken rib can you stop.

6. Film. There is little debate that Birdman Of Alcatraz is a good film, but, let’s be honest, while it contained a lot of stuff about sparrows, there was very little of Burt Lancaster disguising himself as a sparrow and trying to escape. I know it was based on a true story, but had John Frankenheimer never heard of artistic license? Should you prove yourself to be a good Birdman there is a very real possibility that you might find yourself cast alongside Simon Bird, Russell Crowe and Ethan Hawke in Birdman Of Alcatraz 2: Feathered Creatures.

7. Men Can Be Birds Too. I once knew a bloke called Kieran. I say ‘once knew’ because I don’t know him anymore. Sadly, he’s no longer with us. It’s okay, he’s not dead. He’s now a woman called Cynthia. Now, changing sex is not my kind of thing, but it’s what he/she wanted to do and I can only commend him/her on his/her decision to go through with it. I only wish that there had been a Birdman competition while he was contemplating the procedure. That way he could have experienced being a bird without the great expense. Still, he’s got boobs to play with now so I expect she’s happy.

October 3, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Have Sex With A Penguin

Yesterday, we showed you some of the search terms that people have used to find our website but, as is often the case, no sooner had we posted that piece, someone discovered our website in a new, and not entirely unalarming way. Someone in the Netherlands (thus confirming at least one national stereotype about the Dutch) found our website by entering the search term “what to do if I had sex with a penguin”; a search for which we rank number one on Google. Now, we have no idea why we rank so high for this search term, it’s not as if the team spend their days thinking about – or writing about – having sex with penguins (until today) but, seeing as we rank so highly, we feel it is our duty to tell people not to have sex with penguins and to point out that it is wrong. Here are seven reasons why.

1. They’re Hard To Get Hold Of. I’m not thinking of the technical difficulties of having a dalliance with a penguin, you’ll be pleased to note – though they do look slippery – but more about their scarcity. In the UK, they are rarely seen in our waters which means that, for the casual penguin-fucker, the most likely place to find a partner is a zoo. Because of this, if you wanted to have sex with a penguin, you’d have to break into a zoo at night. If successful, you’d run the risk of being eaten by a lion and if unsuccessful, you’d face a very interesting conversation with the police, a series of eye-grabbing headlines in the local paper and a rather high level of public opprobrium.

This would be bad.

2. They’re Hard To Get Hold Of II. Or, you might decide to save yourself a breaking and entering charge by committing the act at a time when the zoo is open. Now, as a new father, I’ve recently begun to develop a fear of answering difficult questions from a growing son with an enquiring mind but, I have to admit that nothing I have thought of so far fills me with as much dread as the question, “Daddy, what’s that man doing to that penguin?” That’s the sort of question I definitely intend passing on to my wife. And I’d also prefer to be addressed as Father, but most of all, I’d prefer not to be put through it in the first place.

3. It Would Be A Backward Move. Penguins – though they might be confused with fish by the unaware and…well…me* – to the rest of humanity, are birds. But surely (and I’m sure we’re all grateful for this) no one in this country has had sex with a bird since the heyday of On The Buses in the mid-1970s. There’s no way we should start doing that again, that would be a backward step. Nor we should we address anyone as “Love”, though that’s a different post.

4. You Are A Man. Men shouldn’t have sex with penguins because if, as a result of your inappropriate interspetial intercourse, you should sire any progeny, you are in for a big shock: While fathers of human babies can usually get away with changing about one in three nappies and don’t have the equipment to feed a human baby (so can be pretty hands-off) as the father of a penguin you’ll be expected to go to the South Pole and balance your offspring on your feet for months. That looks tedious and you’ll miss a lot of cricket as you stand there with all the other penguins hoping not to get eaten by a polar bear and looking at the snow.

5. You Are A Woman. As a woman, should you end up bearing the child of a penguin you’ll…actually, I don’t believe that any woman has, at any point, ever considered having sex with a penguin. I just refuse to believe that women are that weird. Obviously I’m still open minded though so, if you are a woman that has considered having sex with a penguin, please let us know via the comments section. We want to hear from you.

6. Black And White. Penguins are in black and white and – for the most part – no one has sex in black and white, that’s just not the British way of doing things. Look at Brief Encounter: a mannered depiction of repression, subsumed emotion, inhibition and tea at railway stations. That’s in black and white, is there any sex in it? Hell, no. Want to take a penguin for tea at a railway station? Fine, that’s your business. Want to have sex with a penguin? Well you can’t. It’s not how we do things.

7. There’s No Future In It. When seeking prospective long-term partners, not smelling of fish is high up the list of things that people look for in a mate. There are other things that are up there on the list of desirable attributes too: Not having a beak; not having flippers; not having webbed feet (except in Dorset); not walking like a penguin in fact, not being a penguin are all right up there. In a game of Ideal Mates For Humans Top Trumps, the penguin card would be the one no one wanted to be saddled with. And if you were dealt a hand that contained both the penguin and the Ryan Giggs cards, you could pretty much abandon all hope of victory.

We don’t do eighth reasons around here but if we did, we would offer you this piece of information that comes to us courtesy of writer, solicitor, giant and friend of 7 Reasons, Richard O’Hagan. He tells us that under (the rather brilliantly numbered) section 69 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003, having sex with a penguin is against the law. I briefly thought I’d found a loophole, but it seems that even though penguins can blow, that’s precluded in section 78. So it’s not just logic that says you shouldn’t have sex with a penguin, it’s the law too.

*They can’t fly, yet they do swim and they’re often chased by killer whales, how is that not a fish?

July 4, 2011
7 Reasons That Anatidaephobia Must be Awful
Anatidaephobia is the fear that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, a duck is watching you. While some people might see this debilitating condition as funny, we do not. We realise that it must be bloody awful, here are seven reasons why.

1. It’s Not Taken Seriously. People are often crass, insensitive and immature. While they would shy away from mocking the sufferers of other phobias they think nothing of making fun of anatidaephobes, solely for their own puerile entertainment and amusement. Well at 7 Reasons, we’re bigger and cleverer than that. We know what not to show an anatidaephobe.

This is what not to show an anatidaephobe.

2. At Home. Anatidaephobes must find it terribly difficult to cope at home. After all, they’ll believe that when they’re there a duck is watching them. And how is anyone supposed to relax with a duck watching them? And how are they supposed to tell if a duck is watching them or not when they’re suffering from snow-blindness? Or soft-furnishing-induced vomiting.

3. Escape. So they’ve got a duck staring at them at home. What to do? What to do? Get away from it all, that’s what. Get away from the daily grind, the endless plates and pitchers, the white stuff all over the place, the searing pain in their eyes, the duck that may or may not be there staring at them and head off on holiday. To somewhere far, far away from the many, many cups and saucers and the sinister duck.

4. Having A Lovely Time, Wish You Were…Oh…You Are. Well, apparently to anatidaephobes, flying isn’t a barrel of laughs either. But a journey in an aircraft is a temporary annoyance – unless it plummets from the sky in a fiery ball and hurtles at several hundred miles an hour into a mountain, in which case it’s a more permanent irritation – and, having escaped the duck at the aeroplane window, the travelling anatidaephobe can finally emerge from the aircraft all set to begin their relaxing holiday in Osaka.

5. Look On The Bright Side. Well okay, Osaka may not be as relaxing at they’d hoped. But sufferers of anatidaephobia can console themselves with the thought that the big yellow duck isn’t real, and it’s not like ducks hang around in large gangs. That would be terrifying.

Yes. This would be terrifying.

6. It’s Still Not Being Taken Seriously. Well it seems we’ve been rumbled. There does appear to be a series of images in this post that would be terrifying to anyone with a fear of ducks and, if you’re an anatidaephobe that’s made it this far down the page, we apologise for our silliness and can reassure you that there are absolutely no more photos of ducks in this post. It’s all just text from now on.
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7. Comparison. Okay, that was a cheap shot (which is great as there’s a global recession) and, you might reasonably ask, would we make fun of people who suffer from other debilitating ailments; people that are scared of the dark, for example, or the morbidly obese? And the answer is no, we probably wouldn’t. A series of pictures of the dark would be very dull indeed, and a post full of pictures of fat would be totally disgusting and would put everyone off their sandwiches. The good news, however, is that unlike the fear of the dark – or fat people – anatidaephobia isn’t real. It was made up by Gary Larson – he of The Far Side fame – so we can all relax now. Unless you’ve ever claimed to be an anatidaephobe or have been reading this piece through the gaps between your fingers, in which case you’re a simpering nitwit and we can heartily recommend this fine web page.
February 16, 2011
7 Reasons To Stone The Crows

1. Farmers. I have never been a farmer, lacking as I do the necessary sheepdog and accompanying whistle. I imagine, though, it must be tough work. Tiring work. Frustrating work. Especially if you have ploughed your field and sowed the seed only to see a flock of crows engulf the scene. It’s at this point when you have a choice. Allow them to eat your livelihood or revert to the stones. Whichever you choose, you also need to invest in a better scarecrow. *

2. Rivalry. If you live in the city of Adelaide, Australia, you may well support Port Adelaide Football Club in the AFL. In doing so you immediately have a rival. They are across town and are called the Adelaide Crows. You may take exception to defeat at the hands of your nemesis and wish to take matters into your own hands. To, you know, bring some pride back to your end of town.*

3. Attack. Picture the scene. You are walking along the street, minding your own business, when an armoured vehicle rocks up next to you with crows on its roof. And when I say crows, I mean a Common Remotely Operated Weapon Station. You know, one of those things that you can mount a machine gun on and then operate from the comfort and security of the driver’s seat. If this happens you need to get prepared. If he starts firing you need to use whatever means you can to fight back. And chucking stones at the crows might be your only hope. Good luck.*

4. Words. The collective noun for crows is a murder and, if we take that as some sort of corrupted historical instruction, we should be killing them. Now, shooting them would probably be the best way to do this but, as most of the 7 Reasons readership is based in the UK, there probably aren’t that many gun-owners among us. This would leave us furiously hurling bullets at them (which would be expensive) or desperately searching for alternate methods of killing them. Though they live in trees and rope is in plentiful supply from chandlers all around our island nation, hanging them isn’t practical as crows can defy gravity. Basically they’d just flutter about for a bit then fly back to the branch we’d hanged them from so, in essence, we’d just be tying crows to trees. Where they live anyway. This really leaves stoning as the only viable option.

5. Australia. In Australia, where the phrase stone the crows is said to have originated – or should that be aboriginated – the crows eat lambs. That’s right, lambs. Now I haven’t been too close to Australian lambs, but they seem like quite sizeable creatures to me. And frankly, if I lived in an upside-down land where large black birds were capable of swooping up from the sky below me and killing animals that are the size of human babies (which apparently have enough to fear from dingoes over there as it is), I’d be ready to stone them too. Or I’d go even further and rock them. What’s more, being English, my throws would have a better chance of hitting them than the natives’ efforts.***

6. Do The Right Thing. Crows are the proper animal to stone. I – before I corrected a spelling mistake – spent an earlier paragraph exhorting you, the reader, to stone the cows. But cows are definitely not an animal that you should be stoning. They’re large – surprisingly fast – and would probably become quite cross if you were to hurl stones at them. Not to mention the possibility of being shot by a furious and ruddy-faced farmer. Stoning cows is wrong. Stoning crows is right.

7. Kia-Ora. Remember the Kia-Ora advert where crows impersonate a hobo-child’s dog to relieve him of his Kia-Ora, despite his protestations that it’s too orangey for them? You’ll know if you’ve seen it, the music will still be reverberating round your head over twenty-five years later ready to surface when you least expect it to. Or want it to. Which is never.

Enjoy!

And now we all probably want to stone the crows.

*7 Reasons would like to point out that we do not condone the stoning of crows whether they be real crows, the Adelaide Crows or the Common Remotely Operated Weapon Station.**

**No, on second thoughts, fuck them. Stone away.

***We can probably keep this up until the next Ashes series in 2013.

January 17, 2011
7 Reasons That These Proverbs are Nonsensical

1. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Birds are vile, horrid, cruel-eyed, pointy-beaked creatures that flap alarmingly. Why the hell would I want such a thing in my hand? A bird in the hand is a traumatic event. A bird in the hand is worth thousands of pounds in therapy. The proverb does state, correctly, that birds further away from me – in the bush – are of greater value than birds near me, which is true. But what it doesn’t do is stress the greater desirability of no birds in the hand. Or anywhere else. No birds in the hand are more valuable than anything.

2. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Motionless stones also gather no moss. As do shimmying stones, stones moving up-and-down, side-to-side, in uneven circles or dancing the fandango. Stones don’t gather moss. In fact, stones don’t gather anything. They just hang out in the garden or on the beach. Not gathering things.

3. A woman’s place is in the home. Really? But what if I want to use the internet undisturbed, mend bicycles in the kitchen, or break wind? Surely the presence of a woman would hinder me. Also, how would I have met a woman in the first place, if they were all at home? I wouldn’t. Unless I was related to them. Essentially, this proverb encourages incest.

4. Ask a silly question and you’ll get a silly answer. Okay then. I’m not going to dance with a cat this afternoon, what colour cat shouldn’t I dance with?

5. Many a mickle makes a muckle. Errr. Okay. You might also say that many a sparcus makes a sporcus, many a grungle makes a grongle or many a kadookle makes a kanookle. In fact, that’s better. I’ve improved it right there. Now people can say that for hundreds of years for no apparent reason.

6. Ne’er cast a clout till May be out. No beating anyone around the head until after May. Got it. Head-beating season runs from June to December. Couldn’t be clearer. Physical assaults to the head will presumably be frowned upon from January to May (inclusive).

7. Oil and water don’t mix. I’m afraid that BP have successfully disproved that. They have also been successful in eliminating a lot of birds, which helps with proverb one enormously. Well done BP. Solver of Bird Problems. Bloody Priceless. Britain’s Proud.

July 1, 2010
7 Reasons To Fly A Kite

1. Cats. It’s a well known fact that 80% of all missing cats are somewhere up a tree. 60% of these cats are found when someone accidentally gets their kite tangled up on the same branch. So basically, the morale of this reason is thus: If you’ve lost a cat, buy a kite.

2. Life Skills Training. There aren’t many more annoying things in life than Janet Street-Porter, but trying to fly a kite when there is no wind has to be one of them. Charging up and down the park, dragging a bit of string and cellophane – or whatever that material is – along the ground is enough to give anyone the hump. But this is where perseverance comes in. If at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until the wind comes.

3. You Want To Be David Attenborough. I, myself, have always liked the idea of being a sports commentator. Which is why, whenever I see a dog off it’s lead, I pretend it’s in a Grand Prix. It’s good practice. If you want to make wildlife documentaries, I can’t think of better place to practice than in the park. Preferably one like that in the above photo. You can make insightful comment on the relationship between a giant purple bear and a red lizard without any danger of either of them turning on you.

4. SOS. I know it’s unlikely, but if you ever find yourself on an apparently deserted island, well the best thing you can do is whip out your kite. Fly it high in the sky and there is much more chance of you being spotted and saved before the island monster comes and reads your mind and then kills you.*

5. Hand-eye Co-ordination. If you’ve ever wanted to improve your use of a knife and fork or your ability to text when drunk, then flying a kite surely has to be the perfect practice. Keep the kite in the air, without the strings tangling, without taking out another kite and without walking off the edge of the cliff. The results will be incredible. Don’t believe me? Well, you try using a knife and fork at the foot of the Beachy Head.

6. Chat-up Technique. If you see someone you like flying their kite, all you have to do is ‘accidentally’ run towards them and take their kite out with yours. Or, if you think they’ll provide you with a soft landing, just take them out. The next step is to be apologetic and, before you know it, you’ll be off on a date to the nearest kite repair store. Or the hospital.

7. Watch Retriever. You’ve probably never thought of this, but next time a magpie flies off with your watch, get the kite out. If you are quick enough you can chase after the pesky thing and capture it. Much more bird friendly than a shotgun.

*I might have been watching Lost a bit too much.

May 19, 2010
7 Reasons That it Sucks to be a Psychedelic Penguin

1. Ostracisation. The other penguins won’t play with you, because you’re different, and penguins can be mean.

2. Confectionery. The manufacturers of Penguin bars won’t like you, because your colours would increase their printing costs and their accountants are all about the bottom line and are mean.

3. Spectacle. People may capture you and imprison you in a zoo, because you’re different, and people are mean.

4. Movies. Black and white movie-makers will shun you. This is because you eclipse their colourless show, and because they are mean.

5. Dinner. Killer whales will be able to see you more easily, and will eat you, because killer whales are mean (and greedy).

6. Decor. Interior designers will detest you because you will ruin their carefully planned colour schemes, and because interior designers are mean.

7. Poo. No one will want to step on your psychedelic poo. This is because poo -psychedelic or otherwise – is disgusting. They’ll know it was you that did it too.

Okay, who doesn’t want a psychedelic penguin?

*7 Reasons for grown-ups will return tomorrow.

April 30, 2010
7 Reasons to Hate Pigeons

1. Impudence. Pigeons poo on statues. This is disrespectful. They poo on Churchill, they poo on Nelson, they poo on Eros. Pigeons poo on all of the nice statues of people and gods that we like. Pigeons don’t poo on statues of Michael Winner or Margaret Thatcher. This may be because we don’t have any, but if we did, pigeons probably wouldn’t poo on them, because pigeons are horrid and annoying.

2. Freeloading. We regularly hear stories (some of us have even witnessed this) of pigeons using London Underground trains to get across London. Do they pay for this? No. These sponging vermin are using our transport system at our expense. They didn’t help build it and they don’t contribute anything to its maintenance or running costs. I have to carry an Oyster Card, so should they. Let’s staple Oyster Cards to them.

3. Imagery. Pigeons are oft described as “winged rats.” That’s “rats,” terrifying pointy-faced, sharp-toothed creatures. That’s “winged,” which is one of the scariest words in the English language when pronounced as a word of two syllables, “wing-ed.” “Wing-ed rats.” It makes me shudder.

4. Idiots. Pigeons attract idiots. Look at this American woman in the Piazza San Marco, Venice. She’s in one of the most beautiful parts of one of the world’s loveliest cities and she’s fascinated by the pigeons. She’s clearly an idiot. She could be looking at the Basilica, she could be looking at the Doge’s Palace, she could be looking at the Procuratie Vecchie but no, she’s looking at pigeons. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid bloody pigeon-woman.

5. War. Pigeon excrement was the only known source of saltpetre (potassium nitrate) in 16^th century England. Saltpetre is an essential ingredient in gunpowder, so if your Tudor house was damaged by canon-balls or if your copotain hat was knocked from your head by musket-shot five-hundred years ago, you can blame pigeons.

6. Emasculation. Wood pigeons are the larger, nobler cousins of the urban pigeon. Historically these creatures, with their quite pleasant and distinctive call, have been content to live in trees far away from people (who do not live in trees). Recently though, a pair of these creatures have moved in near to a house belonging to a friend of mine. Their favourite game is to poo on the love of his life (his shiny, expensive German car) and then to sit on his garden fence cooing at him. They do this every day. Not unnaturally, this makes him very cross. If he could get hold of them, he would probably tear their heads off in a murderous rage, but every time he approaches, they casually retreat to a safe distance and continue taunting him. It is because of this that he is now known as The Pigeons’ Bitch. And because of me, obviously. He should never have told me.

7. Profiteering. The use of a fleet of trained carrier pigeons was instrumental in the allowing the Rothschild banking family to make vast fortunes during the Napoleonic wars. They were able to manipulate financial markets for their own gain, based on having exclusive access to early information about the results of battles. Pigeons filled the bankers’ wallet (the Reverend Spooner himself would have been proud of that one, and astonished by the mental image).

December 11, 2009