7 Reasons

Tag: seven

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Jonathan Lee

    Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Jonathan Lee

    In an interview that is still being talked about fondly in at least one corridor in Nottingham University’s halls of residence, the co-founder of 7 Reasons, Marc Fearns, was interviewed by another co-founder of 7 Reasons, Jonathan Lee. If you missed it you still have time to check it out. It won’t be coming down until yesterday at 6pm when the world ended. This link will take you there. Do come back though because this week the tables have been turned. Or at least the sofa has. Or at least it was going to turn. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, Marc can’t be here. Being the creative chap Jon is though, he has decided to press ahead with the interview. So, here is Jonathan Lee in conversation with himself.

    Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Jonathan LeeJL: Thanks for coming Jon.

    JL: No problem.

    JL: I like what you’re wearing.

    JL: Ah, thanks. Claire doesn’t wear it much these days so I thought I’d give it a whirl.

    JL: You can pull it off.

    JL: I can, but not right now. We have an interview to do.

    JL: Yes, sorry. So, 7 Reasons, how much longer are you going to keep doing it for?

    JL: Who knows. At present working for myself means I can take time out to think of and write posts as well as all the other admin that goes into making it a ‘success’. That’s not going to last forever though. At some stage in the near future I expect to be working for someone else again and that means time for 7 Reasons will be heavily reduced.

    JL: So 7 Reasons might come to an end soon?

    JL: I didn’t say that.

    JL: It’s what you intimated.

    JL: It’s always a possibility and Marc and I both know this can’t last forever.

    JL: So, this time next year, will 7 Reasons be around?

    JL: It’ll be around, in what form I don’t know. You’ll see a slow down in the number of 7 Reasons posts we churn out before we say goodbye permanently. I would be surprised if we are posting every single day this time next year. But I thought that last year too. We’ll be two years old in a few months and writing every single day in the same format for two years is hard work.

    JL: Are you tired then?

    JL: Very.

    JL: Is there anything you want to achieve with 7 Reasons before you shut the door on it?

    JL: We’re working on a couple of things outside of the 7 Reason website. I’d be surprised if we don’t make at least one of those happen. Certainly from my point of view I would like the 7 Reasons concept to be able to exist without the website.

    JL: So are we talking about an Edinburgh Fringe show?

    JL: Maybe.

    JL: When you look back, what one moment stands out for you?

    JL: England winning the Ashes in Australia, just fractionally ahead of winning the Rugby World Cup.

    JL: I really meant within or because of 7 Reasons.

    JL: Oh. I don’t have one. When people say they’ve enjoyed reading a post that’s very gratifying, unless it’s a Marc Fearns post in which case it’s a bit sickening to watch to be honest.

    JL: Is there a rivalry between you?

    JL: I’m not sure. I think we drive each other to try and be better writers, but there is no jealousy if the other’s post is picked up by Umbro or The Guardian or whoever. We know that 7 Reasons is the sum of its parts and it simply wouldn’t work if one of us wasn’t there.

    JL: That’s nice.

    JL: Next question.

    JL: What’s the worst post you’ve ever written?

    JL: Anything that attempted to drive audience participation. Whether there was our quest to find the ‘8th Reasoner’ or our challenge for readers to ‘Pimp Our Sofa’. I completely misjudged just how lazy our audience was. And the ideas were rubbish. We had entries – some good ones – but ultimately they didn’t inspire the majority.

    JL: And the best?

    JL: Probably the posts that I have ghost written for other people.

    JL: You do that?!

    JL: For a fee.

    JL: How much did SirStraussy pay you?

    JL: He wrote that himself.

    JL: And finally, you’re getting married next year. Is there going to be a 7 Reasons theme?

    JL: No chance.

    JL: Why not?

    JL: You’ll have to read this forthcoming Tuesday’s post to find that out.

    JL: Thanks for talking to us. I had fun.

    JL: I’m glad one of us did.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons The Earth Could Really End Today

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons The Earth Could Really End Today

    We were close to the end of the world yesterday and today we are mere hours away from a good rapturing. In light of this I really admire you for coming back to 7 Reasons when you should probably be saying goodbye to your loved ones. In keeping with the end of the world theme, today’s guest post is an extraordinary look into another seven ways the world might end today. It’s written by Greg Buckskin, a writer and blogger for Comcast.USDirect.com – home to Comcast Cable Deals. At least that’s what he does when he’s not skiing the Utah powder. After the nice picture below, it’ll be Greg.

    7 Reasons The World Really Might End Today

    For many fundamentalist Christians, May 21st will be their last day at work—or on the planet for that matter. Harold Camping, owner of the $100 million Family Radio Christian network, has predicted that May 21st is the day of the rapture—the end of the world when the righteous will be taken to heaven and the wicked will be left here on earth wallowing in misery until October 21st, when the earth will finally be destroyed for good.

    Although Camping’s predictions have failed in the past (he also predicted that the world would end in 1994—oops), he has many followers who are backing him up, selling their homes, quitting their jobs, and budgeting their last cent to run out on May 21st.

    Who knows, maybe the world will end on May 21st. I’ve been wrong before; I thought Arnold and Maria would be together forever. But most likely, May 21st will be just like any other day, except for the lamenting cries of those who went into huge debt so they could live it up until the 21st and thought they’d never have to pay it back. However, there are tons of other ‘real’ ways the world could end this weekend, or even in the next half hour. These events would be so random that I’ll bet none of us ever even pay it much mind.

    1.  Nuclear War. Stanford Professor Emeritus Martin Hellman figures that at any given moment there is about a 10% chance of the world ending in nuclear war. That’s a bigger percentage than most of us have of dying from common forms of cancer—more than 10 times bigger in most cases. There are still over 25,000 nuclear weapons in existence today. North Korea, Iran, some pissed off fundamentalist who finds one of Sadam’s WMDs buried in the desert somewhere—theses are all likely candidates and extremely unpredictable. How is your bomb shelter coming along?

    2.  Asteroid. We all know that Armageddon was a completely unrealistic movie, right? I mean who would hire an oil rig captain to blow up an asteroid? Well, it may not be so far from the truth. Right now scientists from NASA and other organizations around the globe are predicting that asteroid 1999 RQ36 could have as big as a 1/1000 chance of hitting earth in 2182. When you think about the vastness of the universe, that’s actually pretty good odds. If a big asteroid took out the dinosaurs, why couldn’t we be next.

    3.  Super Volcano. We all learned about volcanoes in 3rd grade science class, but most of that curriculum focused on places like Hawaii and Mt. Saint Helens. Chances are your teacher didn’t tell you about the super volcano that is Yellowstone National Park. Only fairly recently have scientists discovered that Yellowstone is a giant caldera, an underground volcano where magma has been building for hundreds of thousands of years. The last time a super volcano erupted (75,000 years ago in Sumatra), it exploded with the force of over 10,000 Mt. Saint Helens, covered the world with ash and brought about a global ice age. According to calculations, the Yellowstone caldera explodes about once every 600,000 years. The last explosion was over 640,000 years ago. Yikes!

    4.  Disease. Bird flu? Swine flu? Forget about it. What about airborne HIV? Or some new disease that has not even developed yet? If you’ve ever read The Andromeda Strain you know that all it takes is for one virus to mutate in exactly the right way to kill us all instantly. Then the zombie apocalypse hits, and it’s every man for himself.

    5.  Gamma Ray Burst. Gamma ray bursts have been observed in far distant galaxies for many years. A Gamma ray burst generally happens as a star goes supenova and can release more energy in ten milliseconds than our sun will release over its 10 billion year lifetime. Most of the observed bursts are in galaxies that are billions of light years from earth. But what if a closer star decided to explode (or our sun) and send a beam of high-energy gamma rays our way? We’d be space dust before any of us even knew what happened.

    6.  Global Warming. Global warming is a slow phenomenon compared to our short human lives, but it can be a rather quick event in the earth’s life. A warmer planet won’t simply mean that we can’t wear long pants anymore, it will change the entire way the planet functions. It will disrupt plant growth, extend the life cycle of many animals and insects, especially those that live in tropical regions and carry diseases like malaria. It also increases air pollution and causes flooding and wildfires and increases the size a magnitude of tropical storms—think Katrina, but on a scale that would cover all of North America. Currently, about 150,000 deaths can be attributed to global warming. If we don’t watch out, we could face a slow death by a warming planet.

    7.  Big Robots From Outer Space. So this one is a little more far-fetched. But astronomers are discovering new planets all the time, some that could even support life like earth’s. In fact, recently, Gliese 581g—a planet similar to earth—was discovered only 20 light-years from our solar system. Who is to say that life does not exist elsewhere in the cosmos, that they may be more technologically advanced than ourselves, and can travel the stars? And if there is one thing I’ve learned from watching movies, it’s that aliens rarely come to earth just to see what’s here. They usually (much like we are doing right now) have destroyed their own planet and are looking for a new home. And they don’t take too kindly to the natives. Will they send giant robots to annihilate us or will it be pod people to snatch our bodies? I don’t know. All I can say is, “watch the skies.”

  • 7 Reasons It Is Inappropriate For The World To End At 6pm Tomorrow

    7 Reasons It Is Inappropriate For The World To End At 6pm Tomorrow

    Disaster. The world ends tomorrow. So, in our penultimate 7 Reasons post – we’ll still publish a guest piece tomorrow morning – we take a look at the reasons why 6pm is a ridiculous time for it all to come to an end.

    7 Reasons It Is Inappropriate For The World To End At 6pm Tomorrow

    1.  Waste Of A Day. At the moment, as you may have noticed, I am not taking the demise of the World very seriously. That’s because I’m writing this the day before and the idea that I shan’t be writing 7 Reasons on Monday hasn’t really hit home yet. Tomorrow morning, when I rise to the Sounds of the Sixties, no doubt I will start worrying. I dare say I will be petrified. This is it. It’s all over. I had so much to do. There’ll be tears. There’ll be praying. And then there’ll be tea. And a whole lot of waiting. There is no point in doing anything tomorrow. What’s the point in shopping? Or DIY? Or writing my birthday list? There isn’t any. So I’ll just sit there and wait and be bored. What a waste. At least if the world had ended at 6am I wouldn’t have had to endure the slowest day ever.

    2.  Awkward. The problem with 6pm is that it’s that awkward time between coming home after being out for the day and going out for the evening. Those who don’t know anything about the world ending or those who have decided to stupidly ignore it, will be getting ready. And that means a whole lot of nakedness on display. When we end up in heaven or ‘the other place’ surrounded by naked flesh, where are we supposed to look? I tell you something, there will be many an argument in full flow come 6.15pm. “You were looking at that girl’s bottom!” “No I wasn’t. She just raptured in front of me!” “I didn’t believe that excuse last time and I don’t believe it this time. And will you cover yourself up! You’re embarrassing me.” “Oh, I’m embarrassing you am I? Look at yourself, you are the only one who put weight on whilst rapturing.” Yes, many an argument and many a divorce.

    3.  Indigestion. Many people will be cooking or thinking about cooking dinner when it gets close to 6pm. But what should we do? Eat and be prepared to get indigestion during the rapturing phase or miss our evening meal and hope something is provided at arrival when we reach our new destination. It’s a tough call. One we wouldn’t have had to make had the world been due to end at, say, 3pm.

    4.  Heineken Cup Final. This kicks off at 5pm. That means I’m not going to know what happens. Do you know how many hours I have put into watching the Heineken Cup this year? Dozens. Bakers dozens probably. And for what? Just so I know who enjoys their half-time oranges more. It is said that 2% of the population will be ‘raptured’ to heaven at 6pm. No doubt those who end up there will get to see the second half, but for the rest of us – and I rather suspect that includes me – will no doubt be faced with burning hell that is ‘So You Think You Can Dance Live’. That’s a hugely inadequate outcome and should it happen I propose we make an appeal (or overpower The Devil/Piers Morgan and steal the remote control).

    5.  Children. For a lot of young families, 6pm signifies the time at which the youngest members of the family are put in their cots for the night. Or, if you are eighteen and have parents like I, just put to bed. There is nothing wrong with that, especially if you have spent all day chasing them around. The evening is the time when you get to relax. Only tomorrow you won’t. As soon as baby Byron is sung to sleep, death will come knocking at the door.

    6.  Work. Some people, believe it or not, actually have to work on Saturday. As such they’ll be working tomorrow. What a day they’ll have. Wake up early, go to work, work hard, come home, world explodes. The forces at large could at least let them sit down with a beer first.

    7.  Plus This Lot. Given that this is the last proper 7 Reasons post we thought we’d celebrate life by opening this up and asking the 7 Reasons faithful why 6pm would be a bad time for them. Here are some of the replies. (It suggests only a few of our followers are bothered about the world ending. Fair play to them).

    Nick Barrow: “Because it’s my day off.”

    @rachel_simmo: “Because we’d only be half way through the Heineken Cup final! Surely they can put it back a couple of hours to 8pm?”

    @splex: “Dr Who wouldn’t have been on telly yet. Could you postpone the world ending until at least 9pm?”

    Sarah Ay: “Because we’d miss the Champions League final.”

    @rachel_simmo: “We wouldn’t find out what happens in Doctor Who! With Amy and the baby and the eye-patched nurse!”

    @Kateypotatey: “Because I wouldn’t have had time to finish my first glass of fizz/cocktail. 6.30 would be better.”

    @RugbyByDilbert: “I wouldn’t of sung happy birthday to my mate! #actofrevenge”

    Rob Lee: “Because I might be either batting or bowling at that time, and I’ll never know how I got on.”

    @kittyQ: “Because I am getting married next year to a 7 reasoner, that’s after Saturday, that means I won’t get to be the happiest kitty ever”

    Jack Pitts: “Bad? At least we won’t have to sit through Britain’s Got Talent anymore.”

    @RugbyByDilbert: “If the world was to end on Saturday, I wouldn’t have gone to the Waratahs game in Sydney (makes me sad)”

    @NellPlant: “I’d die a work and this would mean I would not be able to iPlayer Doctor Who when I’ve finished work.”

    @rachel_simmo: “We wouldn’t ever know if Birmingham City could manage to stay up on the last day of the season on the Sunday…”

    Richard O’Hagan: “Because (a) Marc would never get the website to work for a whole 7 days in succession and (b) the world would be deprived of the weekly spectacle of one of you accidentally posts a piece they meant to schedule for later in the week.”

    @kittyQ: “Kent play Sussex on Sunday.. I am hoping to go. I’ll get to see the signs I set up for print. If the world ends I won’t get to see Kent THRASH Sussex”

    Richard O’Hagan: “Because we would never get to read the second half of the Russian Roulette interview?”

    @rachel_simmo: “Plus my brother would only be a 21 year old for 3 and a bit days, not even a week being 21!”

    @RevdKathy: “6pm Saturday? The world CANNOT end before Doctor Who has aired!”

    *On behalf of Marc and myself, may I thank you all for reading 7 Reasons for the past 20 months. It’s been ace. See some of you soon. (I’ll bring the ball, you bring the bat).

  • 7 Reasons To Let A Bull Loose In The City

    7 Reasons To Let A Bull Loose In The City

    Those of you who watch the news may well have seen that a bull ran amok in the Brazilian town of Sao Jose do Rio Preto last Friday. Eventually it got stuck in a clothes shop and was recaptured by a man with a bit of rope. While on this occasion the bull caused damage and forced a shop worker to hide in a toilet, a bull loose in the city isn’t always a bad thing. In fact it could be very effective. Here’s why:

    7 Reasons To Let A Bull Loose In The City

    1.  Slow People. It staggers me the amount of people who walk around at a snails pace. Are these people so out of touch that they don’t know there is a massive Facebook campaign encouraging slow moving people to be punched in the back of the head? Obviously, no one has done this as it would be seen as GBH. Letting a bull loose in the city though is a highly legitimate method of making these people get a shift on.

    2.  Cheap Demolition. There are always areas of cities that could do with a lick of paint. And there are areas of cities – or, in the case of Bradford, whole cities – that should just be knocked down so something vaguely attractive can be built instead. Bringing in a demolition team is expensive. Bringing in a bull is cheap. And, given the fact that it won’t stop for tea every five minutes, a damn sight quicker.

    3.  China. Tired of idioms that may or may not be factually accurate? I know I am. I am particularly tired of the idiom, ‘he’s like a bull in a china shop’. I have never seen a bull in a china shop. Are we absolutely sure he is going to cause carnage as opposed, to say, purchasing a tea set? Does a bull even like china shops? Letting a bull loose in the city will confirm or destroy this idiom forever.

    4.  Muppets. From idioms to idiots. This might be news to you as much as it was to me yesterday when I was doing my 7 Reasons research. Each year in the Spanish city of Pamplona, as part of the San Fermin festival, bulls are let free to run through the city. And if you don’t think that’s odd, wait until I tell you that men try and out run them. Men try and out run them. Exactly, ridiculous. Take a look at this:

    So, I propose that by letting a handful of bulls loose in the city the idiots among us will be routed out. These people are more dangerous than the bulls.

    5. Curfew. Last week I went to a pub where I saw a man with an ankle tag. Apart from immediately knowing I was in the wrong pub, I questioned whether he should be at home in bed. It was gone 7pm after all. The response he gave me wasn’t one I can share with you, but let’s just say he didn’t leave right then and there. It would have been different if I had been a bull. Or I had a bull with me. Or, even better, I wasn’t there at all but the bull was. A bull would police curfews without any issues whatsoever. In this case the Police would turn up, question as to why this man used a bull to remove his ankle tag and send him back to prison. The place where he should have been all along. His reckless snapping of my skateboard was bang out of order.

    6.  Chuggers. I want them gone. The lot of them.

    7.  Advertising. I am a little bit surprised they haven’t thought of this already, but this is probably the greatest idea Red Bull have never had. The Red Bull Lottery. This is how it works. Forty-nine bulls are spray-painted in the Red Bull colours and then each given a number. They are dropped off on one side of the city and encouraged to rampage to a big net on the other. The first six Red Bulls that reach the net form the Red Bull Lottery numbers. The winner of the lottery will be given the other forty-three bulls. Once he/she has found them. Genius.

  • 7 Reasons To Look In The Mirror Before Leaving The House

    7 Reasons To Look In The Mirror Before Leaving The House

    The first thing to say about about today’s 7 Reasons post is that I feel very guilty for what I am about to write. What you are about to read is a savage attack on one elderly gentleman’s dress sense. An elderly gentleman who no doubt fought in the War just so I could live in a world where I am free to judge him. It’s hardly the way in which to offer thanks is it? And I honestly do feel somewhat ashamed for what appears below. The thing is though, if I don’t help this gentleman out, then Trinny and Susannah will. That is something I am not prepared to let happen. So, here we go. May I present a hero dressed terribly.

    7 Reasons To Look In The Mirror Before You Leave The House

    The more observant of you will note that this man is wearing an MCC blazer and bow tie. That’s because he is an MCC member and was yesterday evening at Lord’s watching Middlesex battle it out with Worcestershire. I wasn’t. I was at home watching it on Sky Sports. Which is where I saw the man, blinked, wondered if what I had just seen was real, rewound the TV, watched the footage again, found the man and hit pause. I then took the above photo. I am sure you can think of your own reasons, but here are my top seven as to why he really should have looked in the mirror.

    1.  Trousers (Part One). He’s wearing them quite high. And when I say quite high, I mean around his chest. Unless you take style tips from Simon Cowell that’s an odd place for the waistband to sit. And when I say odd, I mean bloody ridiculous. What happens if you are caught short – as I understand is a regular occurrence when you reach a certain age? Your fly will open somewhere around your belly button. That’s just asking for trouble. And a wet patch.

    2.  Trousers (Part Two). If the waistband is around the chest, we can only guess at what point the legs of the trousers end. We must be talking some serious ankle swingers. And probably white socks. It’s not a good image is it?

    3.  Shirt. If this man had looked in the mirror before heading off to Lord’s he would have realised that the last time he used the washing machine he had an absolute nightmare. Resulting in at least one shrunken shirt.

    4.  Checks. Admittedly the sickly MCC egg and bacon attire makes it very had to look stylish while sitting in the pavilion, but one should know that mixing stripes with checks is a serious fashion faux pas. Unless he was trying to dazzle the Worcestershire batsmen. In which case he is a cleverer man than I have given him credit for and I feel somewhat inadequate to continue writing. But I shall.

    5.  Disguise. It was a dark, damp evening at Lord’s which leads me to ask whether the sun hat and sunglasses were strictly necessary. It is as if this man was trying to hide from someone. Unfortunately, on the evidence no one told the dear fellow that the best way of hiding is by blending in. Or going into the loft for a decade.

    6.  Abuse. As I have previously mentioned, this post is a sad indictment of society today. My only defence – and I fully accept it is both a pathetic and futile one – is that I write ravaged by guilt. There are many who would see this man and – without even a thought as to the harm it would cause – draw comparisons between him and this pair. And that is completely unacceptable. Accurate, but unacceptable.

    7.  Hat. Is it me or is there a suspicious lump on the top of his head? A lump concealed by a small white floppy. I’m thinking pigeons. I’m thinking this is Blowers’ new pigeon supplier. Which not only goes to prove this man doesn’t look in the mirror when he’s about to leave the home, it also means he isn’t a regular reader of 7 Reasons. And that really is the great disappointment here.

  • 7 Reasons Following Henry Blofeld On Twitter Makes The Mind Boggle

    7 Reasons Following Henry Blofeld On Twitter Makes The Mind Boggle

    Don’t worry if you’re not on Twitter, you don’t need to be to read this post. Do worry if you don’t like cricket though, you’re an odd one. Henry Blofeld, for those of you who don’t know, is best known as a pigeon-loving, bus-spotting cricket commentator on the most glorious of radio shows, Test Match Special. Less well known are his forays on to the social media platform, Twitter. Now I don’t wish to upset the apple cart by saying he hasn’t quite got the hang of it yet, but occasionally, just occasionally, he puts something into the public domain that clearly shouldn’t be there. Sometimes it’s an erroneous punctuation mark, other times it’s a message clearly meant for someone in particular – he’s just forgotten to include the recipients username. Every time this happens though I can’t help but wonder what he was trying to do or say. Nor can I help wondering what conversation he is in the midst of. To my mind it usually involves pigeons. Being curious I have gone through his Twitter feed and found the last seven tweets that make little sense. After much analysis, I have discovered something that is rather alarming. Prepare yourself for a shock.

     

    7 Reasons Following Henry Blofeld on Twitter Is Mind Boggling
    The Twitterati Know Him As @blowersh

    1.  “My Dear Old Thing. Many thanks for sending me news from the ship! Let’s hope we succeed in packing them in!” – 29 Mar 2011. Good golly gosh! Blowers is smuggling pigeons into Britain! He has a man – who he has unsurprisingly dubbed ‘My Dear Old Thing’ – and he has a ship. A ship that no doubt sits somewhere in the middle of the English Channel. And this man on the ship relays news to Blowers as and when he has packed as many pigeons into the vaults as humanly possible. No wonder Blowers doesn’t commentate as much as he used to. He’s far too busy preparing fake British pigeon documents.

    2.  “.X” – 10th Apr 2011. Interesting. Is this a kiss for a young lady who Blowers is embroiled in an exotic dalliance with? Or does it mean ‘X marks the spot’? Is it code for his man on the ship? Is that a full-stop or is it a dot? Google Maps indicate there is a place called Dot Cottage near Winchelsea Beach in Sussex. So this is code! It means, ‘X marks the dot’. Blowers is unloading illegal pigeons at Dot Cottage!

    3.  “My Dear Old Thing. I suppose it takes one to know one. Anyway, good to hear from you. Pip pip Blowers.” – 12th Apr 2011. What is one? A cricket commentator? Is this message for Aggers? No, he wouldn’t say that to Aggers. This must be a reply to another pigeon smuggler! I bet it’s Boycott. Blowers’ message contains hints of a brush off. The use of ‘anyway’ signifies that Blowers doesn’t have time for this. He’s got things to do. My only conclusion is that Boycott is also smuggling pigeons and therefore they are fighting for business.

    4.  “#” – 22nd Apr 2011. A hashtag. But without the tag. So really it’s just a hash. Oh crikey! Someone’s made a terrible hash of things haven’t they? The man on the ship! It must be him. Has he been captured by a ghastly pigeon immigration official at Dot Cottage?!

    5.  “Yes please! What a terrific idea! Where do you suggest?” – 4th May 2011. Yes! It looks like I was right. Blowers’ man on the ship is now imprisoned. And even worse Dot Cottage is now a no go area. But it looks like someone else has approached Blowers with an offer. An offer Blowers really likes. We can only presume it’s an offer in a similar business and a new arrival port is being sought.

    6.  “My Dear Old Thing. Just arrived back in London. See you at 1.30 and look so much to meeting you. Pip pip Henry.” – 7th May 2011. Where’s Blowers been? Has he been to the new Dot Cottage or has he been to the printers to get the fake pigeon passports? And who is he meeting at 1.30pm? Is it his new pigeon supplier? The other option really isn’t worth thinking about. The idea of Blowers being caught in a honey trap by the pesky RSPCP (the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pigeons) fills one with absolute fright. Oh, Blowers, do be careful.

    7.  “My Dear Old Thing. How’s the new ‘phone coming along? Pip pip.” – 17th May 2011. Odd. I have absolutely no idea how this relates to pigeon smuggling. Have I got this all wrong? Is Blowers actually something worse than a pigeon smuggler? Does he work in customer service for Vodafone?

    *Disclaimer: Obviously this is entirely made up. We are not suggesting for one minute that Henry Blofeld or any of his associates are involved in the smuggling of pigeons into Great Britain. Nor are we suggesting he endorses Vodafone. The only thing we know about Blowers for sure is that he is the sound of cricket, a national treasure and he’s still struggling with Twitter. And, to be honest, we wouldn’t have him any other way.

  • 7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

    7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

    On Saturday afternoon, the country had two choices. They could either watch a bunch of tarts or a bunch of thugs. Being someone who lacks a passion for theatrical performance this choice didn’t apply to me. My radar featured solely the Leicester v Northampton Premiership semi-final. The FA Cup Final only appeared on nancy boy’s radars. And Ricky Hatton’s. My choice, as happens regularly with my choices, was the correct one and I was treated to a terrific sporting occasion. However, it wasn’t all savoury. During the first half there was an off the ball incident between Leicester’s Manu Tuilagi and Northampton’s Chris Ashton. For those who didn’t watch it, this is what happened. Manu Tuilagi attempts something resembling a tackle on Chris Ashton. Unfortunately, Ashton didn’t have the ball. And in rugby, tackling someone without the ball is frowned upon. So, Ashton gives Tuilagi a shove to say, “Excuse me ol’chap, I am without ball. That’s terribly unsportsmanlike conduct.” To which Tuilagi replies, “No it ******* well isn’t! This is!” Although he replaced the words with three punches. Unfortunately footage of the incident isn’t great, but it’s as good as we have for now.

    At full speed it looked like a brutal attack and one Audley Harrison would be proud/incapable of. On closer inspection though, it’s pretty poor. And for that Manu should be incredibly embarrassed. Here’s why:

    1.  Eyes. In such circumstances the victim should really have his eyes shut as he prepares himself for the blow. The puncher, on the other hand, should be looking in the direction of his target. This is all back to front. Firstly, although it’s hard to tell, Ashton has his eyes open. And secondly, Tuilagi has his eyes shut. So what can we establish from this? Well, firstly that Ashton is a madman. He likes pain and he loves watching the impact of a fist on his face. Secondly, Tuilagi is squeamish. He’ll gladly give someone a happy slap but he doesn’t want to see blood.

    2.  Body Position. Now, I’ve done a bit of boxing – in a ring that was frequented by Justin Langer and Adam Gilchrist no less – so I like to think I know what I am talking about. When you punch, you’ll get more joy if you hit in front of you as opposed to the side. Obviously, there may be occasions when your target is not in front of you. If this is the case it is generally a good idea to move.

    3.  Oxygen. It’s always a good idea to breath when involved in a pursuit that actively encourages being alive. Tuilagi’s decision to hold his breath was not only dangerous, it also made him look a little chubby.

    4.  Standing. If you get a chance to see decent footage, do watch it. That’s because this footage is useless at showing what happened next. It also doesn’t fully show the impact of the other two punches. Well, actually, it doesn’t show the other two punches. And, while I have suggested these punches weren’t particularly great, they were still pretty damn forceful. The slow-mo footage shows Ashton’s head turn into a jelly for a few moments. The thing is though, after Tuilagi threw the punches, nothing happened. Ashton just stood there. And so did Tuilagi. And Tuilagi looked at Ashton standing in front of him and said, “Huh? What the hell aren’t you doing on the floor? Get down son, you’re making me look like a tit.” Which he did.

    5.  Officials. While Tuilagi was trying to punch Ashton into Nottingham, the touch judge was doing what all good touch judges should do. He was waving his flag around. The referee, Wayne Barnes eventually noticed the semaphore message and stopped the game. He then had a chat with his touch judge and then sent both Tuilagi and Ashton to the sin-bin. So yes, Tuilagi should be embarrassed for putting the officials in a position where they made the worst decision in the history of refereeing. Ever.

    6.  Ovation. Despite all I have said about the punches and their ineffectualness the home crowd seemed to love it. I felt somewhat uncomfortable as I watched the Tigers faithful give Tuilagi an ovation as he ran back on the pitch after his sin-bin. Sure, if he had flattened Ashton, give him an ovation. But don’t applaud the guy for half measures. He must have felt three inches tall after hearing that. How embarrassing to hear your own supporters cheer you for not punching properly. They must have thought that’s all he had. Which it was.

    7.  Handshake. So you’ve thrown everything at your opponent. He’s taken an absolute hammering. So what’s the worst that can happen now? That’s right, he comes up to you at the end of the match without a scratch on him and says, “Well played.” And all you can do is smile and remind everyone that you spend far too long shaping your sideburns.

    7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

     

     

  • In Conversation With Marc Fearns

    In Conversation With Marc Fearns

    In something of an oddity, we’re both on the sofa this Sunday. Usually it’s just Marc and his spam fetish, but this week we thought we’d bring Jon into the equation to give things a little more substance. 7 Reasons has been going on twenty months now. Given our success we would have thought we’d at least have been interviewed on Yorkshire based radio station Whippet FM by now. Sadly, we haven’t. And that’s really disappointing. But, being innovators of great stature, we have decided to do what Whippet FM hasn’t. We are going to interview ourselves. In this two part special we are going to be sitting on the sofa talking to each other. Via the medium of email. This week, it’s Jon interviewing Marc. Here we go.

    Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Marc Fearns

    JL: Hello Marc. Nice baby/glasses. Why did you feel it necessary to involve me in 7 Reasons?

    MF: Hello Jon.  Nice fiancé/biscuits.  It seemed logical. I realised that with someone else on board, I would only have to come up with three and a half reasons per day and – I’ve been told – that doing things on your own is less fun.  The first seven reasons piece that I wrote (which was on my own blog, before the provisional concept of the site came to me in the bath) was also partially your idea, so it seemed like the thing to do.  It does have its drawbacks:  Not being the best writer on my own website occasionally irritates me and I’ve learned more about Whitstable than I ever wanted to but, those minor matters aside, time has proved that it was the right decision.  It’s a bit like a variant on infinite monkey theory:  If there are two thoroughly daft people in the world with roughly compatible interests and skill-sets, eventually they’ll end up running a website together. Or annoying a woman.  Or both.  I’m also a big fan of the writing of Jonathan Lee.  This way I can see it more often (and get to remove the rogue apostrophes).

    JL: It’s nice to hear you’re such a fan, but let’s talk about you more. Almost two years ago you quit the wine industry to start 7 Reasons and redesign the whole of your house. Which do you feel has been more successful?

    MF: Well, I do now have a library, a loft, a working roof and a big muddy hole in the front garden but parts of the house are still pink.  7 Reasons, on the other hand, isn’t pink at all.  It is also visible from Rio de Janeiro.  Definitely 7 Reasons.

    JL: We’re approaching our 500th post Birthday. That’s a lot, especially when you consider we use the same formula every single day. Have you ever been tempted to call it a day and go back to fearns.blogspot.com?

    Oh, most days.  Usually when I’m stuck on five reasons.  But other than that, no, not really.  I test myself occasionally just to ensure that I retain the ability to write without counting to seven, but 7 Reasons is much more fun and some days it just seems to write itself.  Saturdays, mostly.

    JL: Obviously an ability to write and count up to seven are essential requirements for a 7 Reasons writer  – and may I just say on one of those counts you succeed admirably – but are there any other skills that you feel lend themselves favourably to being part of the 7 Reasons team?

    MF: Yes.  Anyone can write seven reasons for something, but to make it entertaining requires some sort of minor unhinged-ness, eccentricity, neurosis, and perhaps a soupçon of Francophobia.  Most people, for example, on hearing the captivating tones of the woman next door singing lullabies to her children would think no more of it and carry on.  A member of the 7 Reasons team would have a different thought process:

    That’s the woman next door singing a lullaby.  Wow, she’s got lovely pitch and an impressive range.  I wish my child’s mother could sing this well to him.  Perhaps I could convince the woman next-door to sing to him occasionally, he’d like that…  Wait!  What am I doing?  I’m coveting my neighbour’s wife!  I’m not supposed to be doing that, the Bible says not to (possibly).  And I’m not even coveting her out of lust!  I’m coveting her for her parenting skills, which is probably an even worse betrayal of my child’s mother than coveting a woman for more conventional reasons.  Or is it?  Does this mean I’m going to hell?  Can I get a 7 Reasons post out of it?

    That’s the sort of mindset that the 7 Reasons team bring to the plate every day.

    JL: What about the need to have a thick skin? You recently wrote a piece about the M&S Dine In For £10 deal. On reading the article, Mark Spencer (probably not his real name) suggested that you were a complete idiot and proffered that you were someone who moans about anything and everything. He then called you an idot. An improvement on idiot though one suspects not overly complimentary. How do you deal with the personal insults?

    MF: Before he(she?) called me an “idot”, which as a fan of irony, I heartily approve of, he(she?) also complained (semi-literately) that I wrote a full article on the subject.  Presumably he(she?) inhabits a world where people that disagree with him(her?) can only do it in that arcane and obscure form, the partial-article.  Either that or Mark Spencer (or, more accurately, Anonymous-From-The-Internet) is a bit unhinged and should really be ignored by right-thinking people.  After all, if you have to resort to abuse where there is room for debate and opinion, you’ve really already marked yourself out as not worthy of anyones’ consideration or attention.  Generally, I’m happy that I write fair-mindedly, and if people choose not to read things in that manner, that’s really up to them.  And most people do, which is heartening.

    JL: 7 Reasons is very much concept driven, in a marketplace full of content driven websites do you think the 7 Reasons approach has helped or hindered its growth?

    MF: No.  Or yes.  Or, more accurately, I don’t know.  I think it adds a nice hook to the titles of pieces and gives the potential reader some sort of inkling of what to expect.  If you imagine the titles of our pieces without the prefix 7 Reasons, what you might expect to see when clicking on that link would be far less clear.  I think people realise that they’re not going to get some dull, sprawling, ranty tract that will take all day to read when they see that there are a fixed number of reasons.  Plus it gives people that have failed to observe the name on the link or the website’s header the chance to say of any given post, “What, only seven?” and wear their own ignorance as a badge.   They seem to like doing that.

    On balance, I think the concept helps to attract an audience, but it isn’t the key to retaining them.  That’s the role of the content.  And all I need to do now is add the phrases “evolve viral experiences”, “synergize leading-edge web-readiness” and “drive front-end bandwidth” to this paragraph and then I can draw a cock on my own back and beat myself to death with an iPad.  Great question, Jon.  Thanks.

    JL: They don’t call me the young Michael Parkinson…actually, that sentence stops there. They don’t call me the young Michale Parkinson. In what will hopefully be a more enjoyable question to answer, which three posts, from the 500 plus that have been published, stand out in your mind?

    MF: 7 Reasons Not to Write on a Train stands out.  I really enjoyed writing that one, though it really sticks in my mind as a result of the epic battle I had to upload it from Essex the next day.  The friends that we were staying with had a broken internet connection that I could have fixed but they couldn’t remember their password.  Then it turns out that no establishment in Essex (apart from one place) had working WiFi.  Then the working WiFi in the place with the working WiFi stopped working just as I started using it, and many of the places that advertised WiFi weren’t there any more.  After six hours of trying to upload the piece from Essex I had to abandon my wife and friends to go to London to use the internet.  And to have a beer.

    7 Reasons We Love Propaganda Posters also stands out.  Just because there are websites out there that have accepted our posters and explanations as historical fact and there’s a part of me that finds that very funny.

    7 Reasons Sports Personality 2009 Was A Joke also stands out, mostly for the debate about sport in the 1990s that ensued in the comments section.  I don’t think you’ve ever researched anything as thoroughly as you did the sporting year of 1994 during that debate.  And then someone else we knew turned up and commented thinking that our website was The Guardian.  Fun all round.

    JL: And finally, what hopes do you have for 7 Reasons in the future?

    MF: Untold riches, tiramisu, world domination and minions; it’d be great to have some of them.  Oh, and a book deal.

    JL: Well best of luck with that Marc Fearns. Thank you for talking to us.

    MF: We’re welcome.

    Next week: In Conversation With Jonathan Lee!

  • 7 Reasons Not To Have A Staring Contest With The BBC One Ident Hippo

    7 Reasons Not To Have A Staring Contest With The BBC One Ident Hippo

    For one reason – which is why it doesn’t qualify for this site – I had to live pause the TV last night so that Claire and I could watch The Apprentice together. I paused the TV when the Hippo ident was showing. The exact point at which I paused is shown below. Knowing that I had at least fifteen minutes before I could press play, I had a choice. Start the ironing or have a staring contest with the hippo. I chose the latter. This is my story (of why it was a stupid idea).

     

    7 Reasons Not To Have A Staring Contest With The BBC One Ident Hippo

     

    1.  Winning. From the moment I even contemplated staring at the hippo I knew I was going to lose. The only way I could have won is if we had had a power cut. (An unlikely scenario unless I was to attack the fuse box with a cucumber). And yet, despite being fully aware of the highly probable outcome, I still entered the battle. It was pointless, it was a waste of time and I was always going to finish second. Or last. Whichever didn’t come first really. For someone who enjoys winning it was a bizarre and futile decision that did me no favours. When the inevitable did happen a little bit of my aura had been destroyed. I’m was no longer the man I once was. So if you are ever tempted, don’t do it. You’ll never be the same again.

     

    2.  Distractions. A couple of minutes into the contest my phone rang. Now, even if I don’t answer my phone, I nearly always look at the display to see who I am going to ignore. It’s a habit. While on this occasion I was strong enough to ignore it, my mind was no longer on the job in hand. It was on who might be calling me. Was it Claire saying she’d be longer than she initially thought? Was it my Mum wondering where the rest of her Mother’s Day present was? Was it Marc wanting to sell me a baby? To this very minute I am not sure if my line of vision flinched towards my phone or not. It’s impossible to say. What I do know is, it did me no favours. When you are staring at a Hippo – especially a picture of one on the TV – you have to be in the zone and you have to stay in the zone. Distractions are zone killers.

     

    3.  Fish. I gave myself the benefit of the doubt. I told myself that my line of vision had not altered and so, if I was able, I may re-enter the zone. And, after a few minutes, that is what happened. I know this is what happened because my focus began to drift. The hippo was now a blurred hippo. And then the blurred hippo wasn’t a hippo at all. It was a fish. A fish in side-profile. A scary fish in side-profile. I mean this thing was ugly. It had a pair of lips Leslie Ash would have been proud of and a scaly body that reminded me of this. I am not sure this will work for you – in fact I am not sure I want it to work for you – but if you have a spare ten minutes just stare at the hippo above. If you’re unlucky the fish should appear across the lop of the hippo’s head. The lips appear in the hippo’s right eye if that helps.

     

    4.  Guilt. Having rid myself of visions of Piers Morgan and Leslie Ash’s illegitimate child, I then experienced severe pangs of guilt. The hippo was drowning. I had done that. I had paused the hippo and made him tread water. Twelve hours on I am pretty sure he wasn’t drowning at all. I am pretty sure this was pre-recorded footage and all I had done was paused its progress. But at the time, when you’ve been staring at a hippo for approximately thirteen minutes, that type of rational thought doesn’t enter your mind. You really do feel like a hippo murderer.

     

    5.  Terror. This is when you realise that the hippo is staring back at you. And he looks angry. Probably because you have made him tread-water for fifteen minutes. He also looks a bit like a crocodile with his nostrils protruding from the water. And that’s when you start panicking. Are you actually on BBC One? Are you sure you’re not watching – and recording – Animal Planet? Do you even have the Animal Planet channel? Is there even a channel called Animal Planet? So, yes. Staring at a hippo for too long makes you go mad. Really quite mad.

     

    6.  Visions. When Claire eventually arrived beside me on the sofa and gave me an opportunity to end my ordeal, I realised it wouldn’t be over for a little while longer. All the staring at a bright screen in an otherwise dark environment left me looking through those annoying colour blotches that you are only supposed to get when your eyes are closed. As one does in such circumstances I shut my eyes to try and get rid of them. This didn’t work. Instead I was faced with a vision of the hippo. In sort of a yellow and red mosaic. A mosaic that slowly began to disperse. Which is when I decided I was through and settled back to watch The Apprentice. With the occasional appearance from a fish.

     

    7.  Tea. I can barely bring myself to write the words. It went cold.