Tag: seven

7 Reasons That Having A Baby Can Be Hard On A Man
It’s Saturday. Or, as we call it around these parts, Richard O’Hagan Day. You see Richard, apart from being a fine writer, is on a mission. A mission to become the third permanent member of the 7 Reasons team. He may not have mentioned it out loud, he may not even realise it himself, but given the sheer number of O’Hagan works we have in the 7 Reasons ‘to be published’ vault, his sub-conscious wants it. Badly. Just take a look at these figures that show the origins of submissions and their associated percentages.
- USA – 28%
- UK – 23%
- Australia – 5%
- France – 3%
- Canada – 2%
- Pakistan – 2%
- India – 2%
- South Africa – 1%
- Muppetville – 1%
- Richard O’Hagan – 33%
Exactly. Incredible. And rather disturbing. Which is a shame really because the writer of The Memory Blog isn’t disturbing at all. He’s a great writer with lots of useful advice. Which he will now aptly demonstrate.

Three Men And A Byron

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. It is something along the lines of “He’s a man (allegedly). He knows nothing about how hard it is to have a baby. How DARE he try and offer an opinion on this.”

To which all I can say is, bear with me*, ladies. There’s a point to all of this. I am a father. Marc of this parish has just become father to The Legendary Byron Sebastian Fearns. And Jon has just got engaged, which means that fatherhood is marching towards him with the grim inevitability of a giant spider with a particularly juicy fly snared in its web. There are some serious points which he needs to be aware of, as do any men out there without issue. There’s a big temptation to think that the difficult bit comes around nine months before the birth, but that’s not the case. Once the baby arrives, life is hard for a man.

1. Being a Role Model. You’ve spend the last few decades of your life belching, breaking wind and yelling when you want to. Sorry, but there’s someone else in the house to do that now. Your role is now to be a positive role model for the child, which means an end to coming home bladdered at 3am and trying to make toast using the DVD player, no popping out to the shops and vanishing for three days, and absolutely no supporting Manchester United. (Unless your offspring will be Charlie Sheen’s grandson, in which case you’ve a family tradition to maintain. And even Charlie draws the line at the last thing).

2. Expense. Everyone says that babies are expensive. They’re not. It will be years before they crash your car, or you need to bail them out. People who look after babies, on the other hand, really are expensive. You will find yourself forking out hundreds of pounds a month just so that you can go to work to earn the money to pay the people who look after your child whilst you go to work. It is a cycle more vicious than the one that resulted in a baby in the first place.

3. Pain. Once your female partner has given birth, nothing on this earth is going to convince them that you are enduring any kind of pain whatsoever. The Black Knight in ‘Monty Python & The Holy Grail’ wasn’t brave, he just knew that he was never going to convince his Lady that having all of your limbs lopped off justified reaching for the Aspirin. Being a father means never being able to complain of a hangover again.

4. Language. Whilst we are at it, you might as well brace yourself for the fact that ladies in labour are not always the politest, and that you may be about to learn a few new words. All of them directed at you and several of them anatomically improbable.

5. Empathy. For many years, you and the prospective mother of your prospective child have lived in harmony, anticipating each other’s needs and desires. Having a baby will put an end to all of that. There are two questions that you should never ask a woman in labour, and one of them is “How does it feel?”** You should never ask this question, because you will receive an answer which puts you in the one situation in which you are unequipped to empathise. The answer is “Like the worst period pain ever”***

6. In-Laws. If you produce a baby, your in-laws will visit. Need I say more?

7. Space (Lack Thereof). You might be thinking that the saying that babies might be small but they need a lot of stuff is some sort of urban myth. There are certainly many urban myths about having a baby and you’d be right to disregard them**** but not this one. Work might expand to fill the time available, but nothing beats the rule which says that baby stuff expands to fill the space available. There’s a great temptation to think that you can get around this by moving to a bigger house, but it won’t work. There will still be stuff everywhere. And what is more, you’ll have to work more hours to pay the bigger mortgage, meaning you need more childcare, meaning that you need to work harder to pay for the childcare, and so on until death, really.

On the other hand, children are great fun and the hardship is well worth it. Yes, even the bits where she swears at you.

*I said bear WITH ME, not ‘bear down’. Stop it! Now! Think of the carpets!

**You’re not old enough to know the other one

***There’s actually a question on Facebook which says ‘Which hurts more, having a baby or a kick in the testicles’, which has only been answered by bigots and idiots. And the teenage daughter of a friend of mine, who has experience of neither.

****Disregard any books you might be given, too. The babies can’t read them and so have no idea what to do
May 7, 2011
7 Reasons You Should Never Tickle A Penguin

The other week this video was uploaded to YouTube. It is a hand tickling a penguin. We wish to advise viewers of a nervous disposition that the film contains disturbing sights and sounds.*

I know what you are thinking. Absolutely shocking! This is an outrage! A penguin should never be tickled! We quite agree. There are a whole host of reasons why. But this is a look at the first seven:

1. Pain. You may think that is the sound of a penguin laughing. If you do, you’d be wrong. That is the sound of a penguin screaming. How cruel. I expect penguin ticklers such as the owner of the arm in this video also put live crabs and in boiling water and laugh when the crab starts whistling. It’s not whistling! It’s screaming. That’s why you should always bash its skull in before dropping it in the water. Much more humane. I would never advocate smashing a penguin’s skull in, but at least it’s quicker than tickling it to death.

2. Urine. Usually, when someone starts tickling me, I feel the need to visit the bathroom and relieve my bladder. This is most inconvenient, especially when I am on the bus. I know I’m not the only one. When that fruitcake went around tickling everyone on the number 14 there was a mad dash to get off at the next stop. If a penguin had been on the bus I dare say he too would have needed to hop off. So, if you don’t want a penguin to wee on your hand, don’t tickle him. Or her.

3. Fight. A penguin could slap you to eternity. And when you get to eternity it’ll keep slapping you. Those flippers aren’t just for swimming you know. Well, no, you probably don’t know. Unless you’ve tickled a penguin.

4. Sex. Apparently, tickling can be used as a foreplay technique. To be honest tickling myself has never done anything for me so I have never bothered. But for those of you who do find a good tickle pleasurable before practicing the art of baby making, what are you going to do if the penguin tickling gets you a bit horny? Are you going to be able to stop yourself? Having sex with penguin – with or without consent – is not just wrong in the eyes of 7 Reasons you know. It’s wrong in the eyes of the NSPCA too. And quite frankly, even if it was legal, having sex with a penguin in someone’s eyes is just a tad inconsiderate.

5. Emperors. Once you’ve tickled a penguin it’s very had to justify stopping. Are you just going to tickle baby penguins? Or female penguins? Or penguins in a zoo that you can tickle with Ken Dodd’s tickling stick? Where do you draw the line? Personally I would have drawn it at least thirty miles before Ken Dodd’s tickling stick came into view, but I’m not a penguin tickler. What would you do, for instance, if you were faced with an emperor penguin? Would you tickle it? An emperor? An emperor, let me remind you, is a monarch. A sovereign ruler. If I was to tickle the Queen I wouldn’t get away with it. If you tickle an emperor penguin, neither will you.

6. Role Reversal. Anyone who seems to think that tickling a penguin will entertain it seems to be forgetting something. A penguin is supposed to entertain you. By telling you a rubbish joke. Something along the lines of, ‘Why don’t you see penguins in Britain? Because they are afraid of Wales!’ That sort of thing. You then get to eat it. Tickling a penguin would make you look weird. And you might scratch all the chocolate off.

7. Psychedelia. That’s right. What happens if you end up trying to tickle the 7 Reasons psychedelic penguin? Or indeed a psychedelic penguin not related to 7 Reasons at all. I don’t know. I’ve read the first six reasons and so I know not to tickle a penguin. As a result I can only guess. I think it probably includes hallucinations though. Hallucinations that feature giant penguins trying to tickle you. That doesn’t sound good to me. So my advice is don’t go there. Keep sane and leave the psychedelic penguins alone.

Right, I think that’s everything. As you were. Without the penguin.

*Not really. It’s actually quite cute.**

**Don’t read this until you have read the whole post. It sort of undermines our reasoning.

May 6, 2011
7 Reasons You Should Never Throw Away Your Left Contact Lens

Jon had to get this close to see what he was doing

1. Replacement. I wear monthly disposable contact lenses. For those not in the know it means I can wear a pair for 28, 30 or 31 days before they automatically dissolve into my iris. Occasionally though, the lenses become irritating or torn before the 28, 30 or 31 day limit arrives. When this happens I get rid of them and put in a new lens. It makes sense. So yesterday when my left lens started irritating me, I threw it in the bin. I then went to bed. And I slept. Soundly. This morning I rose, showered and went to put a new lens in. And this is when I realised I really should have checked I had a spare left lens before I got rid of the irritable one. Because I didn’t. There was no lens. Not one. Zilch. Oh dear.

2. 2006. England lost to Portugal on penalties and I broke my leg playing cricket. As far as I can remember those are main the highlights from that year. You probably still have visions of at least one of these. Something else happened in 2006 though. I bought a pair of glasses. You’d probably only remember this if you were my joint optometrist/stalker. The glasses in question can be seen above. Now, five years is a long time in eye years. Mine have deteriorated quite a lot and as such so have the minus numbers on my prescription. As a result, unless I am up very close and personal, I can’t see a bloody thing through them. The wise among you may question why I haven’t purchased glasses since 2006. Well, I have. It’s just that I sort of lost them. Twice. And losing stuff is an expensive hobby. Which is why I haven’t bought anymore since. So basically, I’m blind. I’m wearing these glasses but I’m blind.

3. And Scary. I don’t like me in glasses. Especially these glasses. I think I look like I am trying to look inside your brain. And I’m not. I’m really not. To be honest with you I’d probably struggle to find your head with these on. But I can’t tell everyone who sees me that I am not as scary as I look. If someone came up to me and told me they were not as scary as they looked I wouldn’t believe them. So how can I expect other people to believe me? Until I can get my eyes on a new lens I am going to have to look directly at the floor. At all times. If I can see where it is.

4. Vision Express. I don’t know much about other opticians as I’ve always been with Vision Express. For contact lenses at least. They’re a touch on the expensive side but they do offer added benefits. Apparently. And a free quarterly magazine which I last received in 2009. So I guess they could improve their service a bit. One thing they do offer is free replacement lenses if you accidentally tear one (or throw it in the bin). The two mile blind walk to the branch is somewhat frustrating, but at least you know you’ll be able to see on the return journey. Or at least you would be able to if Vision Express had the lenses you require in stock. If they don’t you have little option but to make the blind walk home. And no, you can’t get a bus. You’ll probably get on the wrong one. Or get in the cab of a fire engine. You might get lucky though, it might not be moving like the one I tried to get into was.

5. Irrational Behaviour. Now, I have never felt the inclination to rummage around in bins before, but that could well have been because I have never lost my sight before. That’s why you’d have found me in a bin at about 11am today. Or my hands at least. Don’t worry, there was nothing else in the bin apart from a tissue. And the packaging from a new pen. Hopefully you will have worked out by now that I was looking for my left contact lens. I found it. All crisp and brittle. In a move that would startle eye health experts the world over the lens is now sitting in cleaning solution in my desperate attempt to bring it back to life. And you know what, yes, I am going to try and wear it again. Because I’m a rebel. An irrational rebel.

6. Dishonesty. I wear my contacts every day. Except Sundays. That at least is what I tell my optometrist. Obviously, being a normal person, I wear my contact lenses every single day including Sunday and lie to my optometrist. Oh, don’t pretend you’re not the same. But now I’m not wearing contact lenses at all. Which means when I tell my optometrist that I wear my contact lenses every day except Sunday I’ll be lying about six days of the week. At least when I wore my lenses I was only lying about one day of the week. Throwing away my contact lens has made me dirty,

7. Time. Throwing away a contact lens destroys your day. Or, in this case, the next day. It’s now 2pm. Today’s 7 Reasons post should have been uploaded at 9am. That’s five hours ago. Trying to restore my sight – and so far failing – has taken five hours! That means I am five hours behind schedule. This means I will have to have my lunch at 6pm. And my dinner at midnight. I’ll go to bed at about 3.30am. And get up at about 11am. And the process will continue. Always. I’ll never post a 7 Reasons piece on time ever again. I’ll be late for my wedding. I’ll try and make a baby in the middle of the biscuit aisle in Tesco. I’ll end up in the wrong coffin. This is a disaster. Because I can’t see I am always going to be five hours behind the world.* And not just in the brain department. What a nightmare. What an absolutely hidoeus nightmare my life has become.

*Unless I move to New York.

May 4, 2011
7 Reasons To Celebrate The Royal Wedding With A Commemorative Pizza

Tomorrow, people up and down the land will be watching and ignoring the Royal Wedding in equal measure. I’ll probably be in the former category as I’ve been invited. Not officially you understand, but I’m assisting the photographer, Clayton Bennett. I’m holding his tripod or something. Clayton and I aren’t invited to the Wedding Breakfast but we will be hiding behind a curtain with this beauty.

Here are seven reasons you should join us and celebrate with a commemorative pizza from Pappa Johns:

1. God Save The Queen. If, like me, you are a royalist but not monarchist then you’ll probably have an interest in the wedding even if you are not caught up in all the hyperbole. Eating a commemorative pizza says, ‘Congratulations Will and Kate, I wish you the best of luck for the future,’ without going over the top. If you are a monarchist you’re probably from a generation that doesn’t eat pizza.

2. Elizabeth Who? If, on the other hand, you are an anti-royalist and/or a republican – like that Welsh girl who is now Prime Minister of Australia, Julia Gillard – you can rid some of that anger by biting the King presumptive on the neck. Given that you’ll probably also be giving the world snide commentary on twitter, a pizza is the perfect accompaniment to keep you fuelled.

3. It’s Loaded. Some people will be having street parties tomorrow. It’s not really my type of thing, but food certainly is. And, if I were going or heaven-forbid put in charge of organising such an event, I would certainly turn to the commemorative pizza. Why provide various plates of salami, pepperoni, cheese, pepper, ham, sweetcorn, onion, olive, mushroom and jalapeno when I can have it all on the same one? Mixed in. On a doughy base. I would save a lot of time, a trip to Tesco and hours of washing up.

4. Sharing. A pizza, unlike a sausage for instance, is ideal for sharing. I hope we all agree that we could never share a sausage. Especially a cocktail sausage. A pizza though, loathed as I would be to do it, can be shared. And that’s what the Royal Wedding is all about. At least according to Big Dave. We’re all supposed to share in this happy day according to him. And if Dav’s sharing his pizza then I think we should all follow in his example. No double dip for us.*

5. USA! USA! I like Americans. I like Americans because they like our Queen. And Princes. And assorted others. And they like them more than we do. I also like them because they adhere to the maxim that when it comes to food ‘quantity beats quality’. While paying £10 for a mushroom on a stick of celery is okay once in a decade, I would much rather a stack of nachos for $5. Anyway, the point is that the company selling the commemorative pizza is Pappa John’s. An American company. So there you go. You know your royal wedding pizza is coming from a team who love royal weddings and you know it’s going to be huge.

6. It’s Free! Assuming enough of us buy it that is. Imagine if we all ordered a commemorative pizza. Pappa John’s would be inundated and unable to cope. They would never deliver it within forty minutes which means we get it free. All we have to do is whack it in the oven for ten minutes and it’ll be as good as new. Obviously we don’t want too many people ordering because if they do we probably won’t get the pizza until June. And it’s too hot to eat pizza in June.

7. Mystery. That’s right, you don’t have to eat the pizza. You can keep it. In the loft. Then, in many years time, when you have grandchildren and you are searching for an old train set, you’ll find it. Once the mould is scraped off you can put it on the kitchen table and stare at it. And then you’ll wonder who the hell these two people are. That Kate girl looks a bit like Queen Catherine, but who’s the bloke? He looks like Walter from the Beano.

*A recession double dip I mean. Obviously we’d get the garlic dip.

April 28, 2011
7 Reasons To Take Your Lady To A Spar

Today it is my lady’s birthday. ‘My’ being me, Jon, and ‘lady’ being Claire. In the midst of discussing what she would like to do for her big day, I discovered that she’d really like to go to Bath Spar. My initial reaction was one of questioning. ‘Really?’ I thought, ‘You want to go to a Spar for your birthday?’ And then it dawned on me. She didn’t mean a Spar, she meant a spa. I thought about it. I did some research. I tried my swimming trunks on. And in the end I came to the conclusion that taking your lady to a Spar is so much better than taking her to a spa. Here’s why.

1. Types Of Water. Bath Spa offers warm water. Spar offers natural still water, spring water, purified water, mineral water, sparkling water, elderflower water, tonic water, isotonic water and loads of other waters that I really can’t be bothered to look up. That doesn’t matter though, I have offered enough. For variety take your lady to Spar. For tepid results take her to a spa.

2. Products. In a Spar you can purchase a vast range of suncreams, fake tans, cosmetics and plasters. All are new and nicely packaged. In a spa, while they may be free, these products are certainly not new. They are all mixed together along with hairs and dead skin cells and happily float about on top of the water. Who in their right mind would wish to expose their loved one to such an environment on their birthday?

3. Dressing Gowns. A spa is a fantastic place hiding place for people who have escaped from hospital. They’ll blend in seamlessly. You’ll have absolutely no idea which dressing gown adorned visitor is healthy, ill or dangerous. At least if you see someone in a Spar attired in just their dressing gown you know they’ll be recaptured very soon. Or they’ll head back to their halls of residence.

4. Sights. Let’s be honest, there are some people who perhaps don’t look after themselves as well as they should. As a result they are fatties. Fatties with clothes on the majority of us can just about bear, but fatties with no clothes on are a sight we wish we never have to witness. Spar, being a decent public service provider, have a rule. ‘Shoppers must wear clothes’. A spa of course just lets anyone and anything in.

5. Boredom. I have never been to a spa before but from what I hear there is a lot of sitting around in water doing not very much. A bit like when you fall asleep after Sunday lunch. I have, however, been to many a Spar. And many a Spar sells magazines and newspapers and even the occasional DVD. So the choice is simple. Take my lady to a spa so she’ll be bored for two hours or take her to a Spar where she can relax with a film, magazine and six hundred bottles of wine? I’m not an idiot.

6. Entry Fee. For a two-hour session at the Bath Spa it costs £25 per person. For a two-hour session at a Spar (not necessarily in Bath) it is free. This should be enough to persuade you, but should you need further evidence keep reading. If you don’t like the Spar, you can leave. You need not feel guilty about doing so and no one will ask you why. If you don’t like the spa however, what do you do? Well you’ll probably pretend that you do like it for a start. And then you’ll stay for the whole two hours so you get your money’s worth. There’s a complete logic fail in there somewhere. A massive one.

7. Associated Costs. So you’ve been in the spa. Now you’ve got to dry yourself and re-apply any make-up, hair wax or fake nails you may have lost. Then, when you get home, you have to use electricity to wash and dry your swimsuit and towel. This is all costing you money. When was the last time you went to a Spar and had to wash your towel because of it? Exactly, never. I’m not making my lady do unnecessary washing on her birthday. And neither should you.

*Happy Birthday Claire. Have a great day.

April 26, 2011
7 Reasons This Is Wedding Photography At Its Finest

Next year I am getting married. And, as luck would have it, so is my fiancée. Unlike the more obvious considerations – such as deciding on the date – one of the first decisions we made was that of our photographer. You do that type of thing when the groom is really vain. We’ve decided to go with this young lady. Now, I was more than happy with this choice. Until Monday. Because on Monday I was listening to the radio and Jeremy Vine started talking about wedding photography. In particular he was talking about the wedding photographer and videographer extraordinaire that is Clayton Bennett. I don’t know Clayton and he doesn’t know me, which is a great shame. Because if I did then he would almost certainly be the man in charge of capturing the greatest day of our life. He’s done some great work in the past and has quite rightly received tons of press coverage. The below is what I consider to be his finest work.

I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s a tremendous piece of photography, but just in case you have your doubts, here are seven compelling reasons as to why:

1. Style. Believe it or not, I am not a great fan of posing for photos. I’m not very good at smiling properly and I always look slightly constipated. That’s why I love candid photography. I love the natural look. Which probably explains my dislike for Katie Price, tattoos, make-up and transsexuals. Based on this, Clayton Bennett is clearly the photographer for me. Weddings are full of people wearing clothes they wouldn’t normally wear, being nice to people you don’t like and me pretending to enjoy dancing. It’s all a bit fake. Nice, but fake. It’s brilliant therefore that Clayton provides a bit of everyday naturalism in his work. And what is more natural than a pair of calves, ankles and feet walking across grass?

2. Mystery. Whose body do these legs belong to? You get more than memories with Clayton, you get a game. Are they Aunt Mildred’s? Sally’s? Suzie’s? Stephanie’s? Simon’s?* No, in fact they don’t belong to anyone who attended your wedding. This is one of Clayton’s major attributes. Not only will he photograph your wedding, he’ll also get a photo of a randomer in there somewhere. Above and beyond the call of duty I think they call this. Fantastic.

3. Blending. Apart from when I say hello and accidentally break a tripod, I don’t want to see the photographer. Not because I don’t like her, but because the sight of her long lens might put me off my quickstep. Or my slow step. Or whatever step I decide to bring to the dance floor. I suspect it would be too much to ask if requested not to bring any step to the dance floor?** That’s why Clayton is a genius. This photo aptly demonstrates his technique at camouflaging himself. I can only assume he is dressed as a small mole here. A woman in a skirt is hardly going to walk over a photographer she can see, is she?

4. Reminder. You may think this is slightly strange, but I love the graves in the background. A lovely reminder that this life won’t last forever and to make sure you enjoy every minute of married bliss. And of course a reminder not to waste valuable time in marrying again. You’re already missing Wimbledon and the European Championships for this. That’s enough missed sport to last a lifetime.

5. Legs. So, who could be bothered to shave their legs for the day? This is when you find out who your real friends are. And which bridesmaid wants the ushers. All three of them.***

6. Shoes. Women like shoes. I know this, I live with fifty pairs. The thing about wedding photography though is that it is 99% above the knee shots. How ridiculous! One of the things women love most and yet hardly any photographers cater for it. Clayton does. And that’s why he’s a pro.

7. Different. Yes, it is. How many wedding albums have you seen with this kind of photo in it? If you’re a woman, probably none. If you’re a man, certainly none. In fact, if you are a man, you are probably wondering what a wedding album is. The truth is, you don’t need to worry about it. If you are a soon-to-be-bride though, Clayton will make your wedding album unique. No more, ‘Oh that’s nice’ and ‘Ooh, I like that’, instead you’ll hear, ‘That’s interesting’ and ‘What the fu…erm…that’s different.’ Which is great because it means they are paying attention.

*Obviously not. They’d be a spoon attached. Or a set of salad spinners.

**Yes. Apparently it would.

***Yes, I do know to which of my future wife’s bridesmaids I am referring to here.

April 20, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Androids Are Better Than iPhones

We’ve had doors and hairy chests and alien invasions, so what next from 7 Reasons groupie Sam Murray? Well, quite obviously, it’s post about smartphones. So, if you’re thinking of upgrading your handset soon, here’s Sam with some invaluable information. (Just remember to ignore all he says and buy an iPhone).

Long gone are the days where playground bullies proclaim, “my dad is harder than your dad”, the latest insult is more likely to be, “my phone is better than yours”. And if that phone happens to be an android, then I am in their gang and will wedgie anyone that says otherwise.

I could give more than seven reasons why androids are better than iPhones but after discovering the site ’33 Reasons’ doesn’t exist I have come back to share my top seven.

1. Battery Life. iDrain is a more apt description of most iPhones, especially the 3GS or earlier models (as the iPhone 4 has improved) For a phone whose star attraction is the ability to download applications it is a shame that you play and surf at your peril. It is the equivalent of being given the keys to a new Ferrari only to find out the faster you go the less time you will have.

2. Browsing. Although I do like a Safari, the grass might be greener on the other side of the electric fence. Yes the Safari browser on the iPhone is fast and reliable, but flexible? No. It still doesn’t have the ability to operate with Flash which automatically restricts users viewing certain websites. No not those kinds of websites. On the other hand, the Android has a range of browsers which you can choose from ranging from; Dolphin, Opera Mini, Skyfire, Fennec and the default Browser. Everyone loves options and that is the beauty of Android: You have options which all have fast page-load speeds, extensive features, and video support.

3. Open 24-7 – Wider Choice Of Apps. Yes that’s right. 24-7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and without the baggage of paying overtime. The Android is open source so developers all over the world have the ability to tap into the API and create new applications or improve current apps. This freedom sparks ideas and innovations which can help push the Android community forward. It reminds me of the Kurt Russell film ‘Escape from L.A’ where people are left to fend for themselves but hey, Kurt came out of it ok so its fine by me.

4. Wide Range of Choices. I may come across as an anti-iPhone protester so it may surprise you to know that I have one, and I really like it. However, I like “it”, not “them”, or “they”, or any other plural reference as another sad face on the iPhone chalk board is the fact that there is only one phone. This is the 21^st Century; choices are imperative. What happens if you want your handset to come with a QWERTY keyboard? Or if you want a slightly larger screen on your phone? I have to decide what type of sauce I want on my sandwich, I expect the same type of problem when deciding on my handset.

5. Notification – “Excuse Me Sir, You Have A Visitor”. You don’t want to keep opening the front door of your home to check if you have a visitor. That is why we have invented door bells and knockers so why should that be the case on your phone? On the iPhone there is a very limited notification system which means if you want to check if you have a Twitter message or a Facebook comment you have to open the app to find out. However, the Android has a notification bar which alerts users to new voice messages, email messages, Twitter and Facebook notifications, new Gmail messages and plenty more. If an app has a notification, it can let you know quickly, and in the background.

6. Synching with iTunes. The amount of tears that has been the result of wiping music and contacts from your phone after an unsuccessful and stressful synch could fill the Thames. This issue stems from needing to use iTunes to synch your phone whereas with an Android this is not the case. In addition, at times with the iPhone you can sync it with only a limited number of computers. Android phones do not need any such application and you can simply connect the phone into any computer and gain access to pictures, contacts, videos and music.

7. If you can’t beat them, join them… If these six reasons weren’t enough to persuade you then maybe this seventh will: Charlie Sheen has an android. #WINNING

This article was written in association with My Phone Deals who provide a wide range of iPhone, Blackberries and Android phones for 2011. They have everything from the latest phone releases to classic and reliable Nokia’s.

April 16, 2011
7 Reasons We Like Birthday Cards

Last year we provided you with seven of the finest World War propaganda posters that the world had never seen. They now exist in a very pleasant postcard collection. Today we thought we’d do the same with birthday cards. It’s a fascinating collection displaying the very finest in 7 Reasons style, humour and photoshop. Well, mostly.

1. Eyechart. Remember the good old days when your Dad could read? Yes, so do I. This card humorously reminds them that they are aging very quickly. Don’t worry, they wont find it insulting. By the time they have found their glasses they’ll have forgotten what they needed them for.

2. I Like This. Are you on facebook? Yes, of course you are. The only person who isn’t is my Mum. And good for her. It means she has more time to bake cakes and stuff. It also means she has real friends. That’s in stark contrast to the rest of us who have never actually met at least 20% of our ‘friends’. This card is ideal therefore for the social media nut in your life. It would also help if they have watched Notting Hill. And they’re a boy. You need to be a girl too. Or a male lesbian.

3. Copper Letters. This is our minimalist card. It wasn’t intentional, it’s just that these were all the letters we found down the side of the 7 Reasons sofa. Luckily for those among us who have birthdays, all the letters required to spell ‘Happy Birthday’ were present. Unfortunately we could only find a number zero and a number six. Which means this card is only really suitable for the six or sixty year-old in your life. At least you can reuse it though. Just hang on to it for fifty-four years.

4. White. Then we realised that our minimalist card wasn’t minimal enough. So this is our ist card (it’s so minimal that we could only make it more minimal by dispensing with the word minimal). Have we said “minimal” enough now? Good, we’ll stop then. This card recognises that the best cards in the shop are always the ones in which the interior is “left blank for your message” and contains the message “exterior left blank for your image” within. Printed in white. Which makes it appear even more…er…even less maximal.

5. Chess With Death. This birthday card designed specifically for the film buff references the Ingmar Bergman classic The Seventh Seal, in which an ailing knight plays a chess match against Death to prolong his life. It’s a card which accurately represents how most people over the age of thirty view birthday cards anyway, except that most people don’t even get the fun of a chess match on their “special” day. This is not a card for birthday fans.

6. Happy___Birthday. This is the only card you’ll ever need (which is something of a shame, as there’s one more to go). If you keep a stock of these at home you’re all set for every eventuality. Can’t find a card with the right age on it? No problem, there’s space for you to fill it in (to the day). Forgot the birthday and you’re sending it late? No problem, you can just tell them you meant to send it as a happy-sixty-fourth-plus-two-days card. Know someone who hates birthdays and want to stick the knife in? No problem, just send it with their age plus a hundred and eighty days, half a year after their birthday. They won’t be expecting that!

7. Deforestation. We’ve just designed a lot of cards. Well six. That’s a lot if you’ve only got five fingers. It’s also a lot of paper and, as we should all know by now, paper comes from trees. Our seventh card therefore highlights the plight of our rainforests. A greeting card that urges people to save the trees is a brilliant contradiction and one we hope will appeal to the hypocrites among you.

April 15, 2011
7 Reasons To Take A Spoon To Bed

As can sometimes happen I forgot about my 7 Reasons duties this morning. In something of a panic I asked the whole of twitter for requests. The one reply I got was, ‘7 Reasons Not To Forget 7 Reasons’. I started but it soon became obvious that there were plenty of reasons to forget 7 Reasons and only one – a Marc shaped one – not to. Thankfully, lady luck was on my side as regular guest writer, Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best, updated his twitter feed with, “I’ve just found a spoon in my bed”. Dr SPJB went on to question why it was there, but he didn’t need to. The doctor, as with all doctors, is a genius. There are many reasons to take a spoon to bed. Here are just seven:

The Philosophy Of Beds & Spoons by Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best

1. Have Your Cake And Eat It. That’s right, with a spoon as your bed companion, not only can you take cake to bed, but you can eat it. I’ve never quite understood this idiom. Who has cake but doesn’t eat it? That would be stupid.

2. Defence. All sorts of things can happen when you are asleep as anyone who has seen Fantasia will confirm. The last thing you want is to be attacked by a collection of broomsticks while you are unarmed. Good then to have a spoon to defend yourself with. Threatening enough to help protect you, but not dangerous enough to destroy the house when you swipe at imaginary buckets. Or a shaved lamb.*

3. Self-Esteem. We all have times when we go to bed and can’t sleep. More often than not this leads us in to a state of worry. Women worry whether they are too fat or too thin. Men worry about relegation. While a spoon won’t help keep Aston Villa in the Premiership, it will certainly help a woman sleep peacefully. Think you’re too fat? Look at the back of the spoon. Think you’re too thin? Look at the front of the spoon.

4. Uri Geller. Quite why our bodies feel the need to wake us up in the middle of the night is anyone’s guess, but sometimes we find it impossible to drop off back to sleep. Indeed, the harder we try, the harder it becomes. In such situations the TV becomes our sole-mate. In the good old days Channel 5 used to show live baseball. Now they just show rubbish. Including Uri Geller. Still, at least if you’ve got a spoon in bed you can join in.

5. Dribble. If like me, you dribble in the night, having a spoon in bed would be really useful. Instead of turning the pillow over and letting the dribble seep into the sheet, you can spoon it into a bucket. Yes, you’d have to take a bucket to bed too.

6. Tent. We’ve all gone to bed with a torch and a comic and hidden under the duvet. I do it every Sunday. It’s pretty realistic to camping on Mount Everest. Just fewer yetis. The one thing I always lack though is something to prop the tent up. For any length of time at least. Assuming I take a big spoon I could use that. A big spoon would also be helpful if I wanted to reach something that I otherwise couldn’t. My girlfriend’s perfume for instance. I don’t wear it, but spraying a little bit on the fire really helps it. Obviously I don’t let it get out of control. If it starts burning the mattress I spoon a bit of dribble onto it. Usually does the trick.

7. Waterbed. I’ve never quite seen the attraction of a waterbed, but I could be tempted if I was allowed to take a spoon with me. Let’s be honest, the bed could quite easily burst. Floating out of the bedroom and whitewater rapid rafting down the stairs is not my idea of fun. If I had a spoon though at least I could use it as a paddle.

*The shaved lamb wasn’t in Fantasia. Just my bedroom.

April 14, 2011
7 Reasons To Celebrate The 50th Anniversary Of Yuri Gagarin’s Flight Into Space

On 12th April 1961, Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space. To celebrate his achievement there are a variety of events happening all over the world, but here at 7 Reasons we thought we’d give him our own homage.

1. You’re Hired! Way before Mark Burnett invented The Apprentice, Sergei Korolev invented the The Spaceman. It wasn’t actually called that, but it should have been. The premise of The Spaceman was simple, find the world’s first spaceman. After weeks of tasks – that may or may not have included filming an advert for a brand of CCCP cereal – the final came down to a battle between Yuri Gagarin and Gherman Titov. Right up until the last minute it looked liked Titov was going to get the nod. Then Korolev found out Titov was the son of a teacher and Gagarin was the son of a peasant. The decision was made. One wonders why he didn’t read the applications properly at the beginning. He could have saved a lot of bother.

2. Infinity And Beyond! Due to the length of time The Spaceman would have to spend alone in his shuttle, part of the training process included long stays in an isolation chamber. When each cosmonaut left the chamber they were asked what they did. Titov recited poetry, Popovich sang Ukraniane folk songs, the rest thought about their past. It was only Gagarin who thought of the future. Korolev liked this. He wanted a man who thought he would come back. (Do bear in mind that this was a good few years before the introduction of iPhones and Angry Birds).

3. Clothing. Look what he’s wearing! Just look! Yuri Gagarin went around the earth in a thin orange jump suit! I wear more protective clothing when I use the hob.

4. Humour. Throughout his flight, Gagarin referred to Korolev as ‘Dawn’. What a brilliant way of getting back at the guy who has made you risk your life. In every single transcript of the flight it’s full of Gagarin talking to this mystery character called Dawn. In fairness to Korolev he played along. To be honest, I think they were flirting by the end.

5. Polite. Can you imagine John Terry walking into a press conference and giving the journalists a standing ovation? I doubt it. But that’s exactly what Gagarin did when he attended a British press conference in July 1961. He also brought them flowers. What a nice chap.

6. The Spacewoman. Seeing his new found popularity as an opportunity, Gagarin began his own search to find a woman to send into space. As you can see, there were plenty of candidates. Personally I’d have gone for the woman in the top right hand corner. She looks like she could do with some G-forces.*

7. Serious. At 7 Reasons we don’t like doing serious very often. Serious isn’t funny. Just for today though, I am. I urge you to watch some of the videos here, spend 100 minutes watching this and following as-live coverage of the flight on twitter. It’s all fascinating. Really, really fascinating.**

*This reason may or may not be true.

**I’ve spent so long writing this that Gagarin’s already parachuting into a Russian field. Sorry about that. Worth playing catch up though.

April 12, 2011