Tag: santa

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Christmas Should Happen In June

We are sure many of you remember with great fondness our attempts at rebranding the 24th December as ‘The Day Of The Sausage’. Sadly – and wrongly – the idea never captured the imagine of the masses. As such we have long been looking for a new festive-based campaign to get behind. And we may have found it in today’s guest post. Over to Sam.

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I’ve had enough of Christmas in December and reckon it’d be far more fun if it were to occur in June. Here are seven reasons why!

1. Christmas Shopping Would Be Fun. I don’t, as a rule, dislike buying my family and friends Christmas gifts. However, I do dislike turning out onto busy, dark, weather-battered streets in search of the perfect pressie. The ensuing festive scrum is just unpleasant. Admittedly moving the event to June wouldn’t lessen the crowds, but I have a theory. Defending oneself from the elements with sweaters, jumpers, coats, scarfs and the rest increases ones size. I, for a while, owned an anorak that was large enough to warrant its own seat on the underground. If Christmas happened in June this wouldn’t be an issue, t-shirts, vest tops, shorts and skirts would give us room to breathe. And it is also worth mentioning it would negate the instant sauna effect every time you enter a store that occurs with our current date arrangement. Imagine the possibilities. It’d be a merry stroll on sunny streets and, when you were done, an ice cream in the park.

2. Online Christmas Shopping Would Be Less Fraught With Potential Pitfalls. I’ve not finished with Christmas shopping yet. A counter to point one would be the suggestion that the modern Christmas shopper notices that it’s December 1st and promptly makes a cup of coffee and a cheese toasty, before sitting down at their computer and surfing straight to various gift themed websites. A click here and a click there and your Crimbo shopping is done quicker than you can say, “I am a gift giving god!” And you are – as long as there is no adverse weather forecast. It’s December though, and adverse weather is what December really likes to do. Cue impenetrable blizzards and M5 stranded delivery drivers eating that hamper of chocolates you ordered.

3. Santa Would Become A Positive Role Model. Currently Santa is a heart attack waiting to happen. In a world of health awareness holding this fellow aloft as the most important person in a young person’s life alongside Pikachu is surely a bad idea. Christmas in summer would see Santa trim in no time. He’d sweat off those extra 200 pounds he’s carrying in a couple of years, especially having to scoot around the world in half the usual time due to shorter nights.

4. Cold Weather Is Rubbish! Having already mentioned the weather in points 1 and 2 does not negate the requirement for an entry on its own merit. Cold weather is miserable. Plus it’s not just the cold; it’s the sideways rain and hip-breaking conditions underfoot. Historically, aside from the Jesus’ birthday deal, it is reckoned the celebration took place in sync with the winter solstice to lift spirits because everyone was miserable due to the short days, crappy weather and that there was little agricultural work to be done. Sensible? Maybe, but sensible never went hand-in-hand with a cracking celebration. Let’s go outside and party like it’s Christmas in June and pushing 100 Fahrenheit. Oh hang on, it is!

5. No More Mulled Wine. “Hot wine?! No thanks, you’re mad.” This is the correct response when someone offers you mulled wine, except if it is Christmas when you smile and swallow it down as if hot wine if the norm. It isn’t, but seemingly it is only brought out due to the fact it’s December and we’re all freezing. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather sit outside in June’s summer sun and celebrate my Christmas by reaching in to a bucket of ice for a chilled beer.

6. I Wouldn’t Get Combined Birthday And Christmas Presents. I’m not an ungrateful sort, but for the best part of quarter of a century I’ve been the receiver of combined Christmas and birthday presents due to my parents bad planning. Yes, I have an early January birthday. Switching to June would give all those suffering the same fate a taste of two awesome gift receiving occasions that are nicely spaced throughout the year.

7. Why Not? Why not indeed? I can’t think of a reason. And as they say, a change is as good as rest. Besides when we switch we’ll be getting two Christmas celebrations within 12 months, how cool is that?! It’ll boost the economy and raise public moral. I know I’ve criticised certain elements of the December-based festivity, but it is the most wonderful time of the year. In fact, are there any negatives to just adding another Christmas in June? If we do that every one’s happy. What could be more Christmas spirited than that?!

Sam C campaigns by night for the redistribution of national holidays, whilst by day contributing to the e-commerce site, Find Me A Gift.

March 13, 2012
7 Reasons That 24th December Should Be Known As The Day of the Sausage

Hi there, it’s the day before Christmas and at other humour websites, you could probably expect to find some sort of Christmas Eve themed piece today, cynically concocted to gain the maximum amount of traffic by exploiting the festive mood. But not here. Because at 7 Reasons(.org) we have had a great and noble idea. We’ve come to realise that Christmas Eve is just a little too Christmassy. Similarly, it’s also occurred to us that it’s just not sausagey enough. When was the last time that your thoughts turned to sausages on Christmas Eve? But we think that’s wrong, and we want to change it. So we see this piece as a clarion call, a rallying cry, because we firmly believe that Christmas Eve should be known as The Day of the Sausage, and here are seven reasons why.

Churchill was never without a sausage.

1. Rennie. You might think that The Day of the Sausage falling on Christmas Eve is a tremendous coincidence. It isn’t. In fact it has been meticulously planned. At Christmas, you can’t move for two things. People and indigestion tablets. The world is full of them. It is full of indigestion tablets because the day that follows The Day of the Sausage is Christmas Day. A day when, regardless of your religious views, you eat a lot. It’s like a rule. When better therefore to hold The Day of the Sausage? You can spend all of 24th December eating sausages knowing that you will have both enough days and enough tablets to recover.

2. Vegetarians. Quite how vegetarians survive without meat is probably the one thing I wouldn’t want to be asked when faced with the One Million Pound question by Chris Tarrant. But that’s okay, because I am never going to be asked. I can live content in the knowledge that there are meat substitute products our there for the herbivores among us and no more prominent are they than during the Christmas period. In amongst the people and the indigestion tablets are vegetarian sausages and vegetarian sausages on cocktail sticks and vegetarian sausages wrapped in something that should really be bacon. They have already been catered for! If The Day of the Sausage fell on June 30th, shops would have to fill their shelves with vegetarian sausages twice a year, but with it falling on 24th December they only need to do it once. Which means they can sell proper food in June to go on my barbecue. Never let it be said that we don’t consider the economic elements when we write.

3. Maths. Christmas Eve falls on the 24^th of December, and you can make that number out of sausages. You’re probably looking at the numbers 2 and 4 right now thinking, oh no you can’t. But you’re wrong. Because sausages come in many forms, but the two most common types of sausage are the straight sausage and the circular sausage (which is essentially a longer version of the straight sausage that can go round corners). And you can make the number 24 from them. Here it is. In binary.

Coincidentally, this is just the right amount of sausages for two average sausage consumers to share.

4. Clarification. If you Google the words ‘Sausage Day’ you will be both disappointed and confused. (Unless you’re a pervert). There is no such thing as an International Sausage Day. Nor a National Sausage Day. Nor just a Sausage Day. There are however various Sausage Weeks. Yes, that’s right. Various Sausage Weeks. More than one. That’s not right! In 2010, British Sausage Week ran from 1st-7th November. However, the Egerton Arms in Knutsford, Cheshire, ran their Sausage Week from 3rd-12th November! Which raises another issue. Do they have 10-day weeks in Knutsford? But that is an issue for another day. Back to the sausages. And to the Cumberland Sausage Day. That falls on 5th July. Yes, it’s a Sausage Day, but a Sausage Day for just one kind of sausage. That is sausagist in anyone’s language. Except French. Where is would be saucissonist. The Day of the Sausage would eliminate such exclusivity and allow the whole world to know exactly when to celebrate their sausage. And that has to be a good thing.

5. Harmony. The Day of the Sausage and Christmas Eve won’t conflict with each other. In fact, to borrow a phrase from George W. Bush, they should be able to co-exist peacefully. You can even make the traditional Christmas Eve nativity scene using them, as this heartwarming depiction of the birth of the baby Jesusage shows.

We assume that Americans did this.

6. Shopping. In something of an exclusive to our 7 Reasons readers, we can reveal that The Day of the Sausage has a sub-agenda. Let us ask you a question. What will you be doing on The Day of the Sausage? The correct answer is eating sausages, celebrating sausages and having your photo taken while hovering your sausage over your top lip so it looks like a moustache. What won’t you be doing? Last-minute Christmas shopping. That’s right, everyone will have forgotten about Christmas. The shops will be empty. So while everyone is celebrating bangers, we will be in Halfords deciding whether our respective partners would prefer the de-icer or some reflectors for their bikes. And because we are kind, both of our readers can join us too.

7. Santa. On Christmas Eve Santa comes to visit you, and how do you reward him while he’s emptying his sack into your stockings? You give him a glass of whisky (he likes a 12 year old Highland Park by the way, don’t ask how we know this) and a mince pie. But a mince pie is essentially a dessert. A teeny-tiny dessert. But look at Santa. He’s a big, fat, ruddy faced man engaged in a hard job of work on his busiest day of the year. And you want to give him a pastry confection! That’s hardly adequate sustenance. What Santa needs is something more nutritious and something more filling to keep him going. He needs sausages. And double the quantity of whisky while you’re at it.*

*The 7 Reasons team would like to wish you a very merry Sausage Day, and a happy Christmas.

December 24, 2010
7 Reasons That I Won’t Be Sending My Christmas Cards Until Christmas Eve

It’s almost Christmas and one of the aspects of the festival that I hate the most is writing Christmas cards. But I’ve come up with a cunning plan for dealing with them. This year, I won’t be sending any Christmas cards out until Christmas Eve. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Space. When you’re buying your stamps or posting your cards, the post office on Christmas Eve is a far more convivial atmosphere than the post office on December 18^th. When I’m posting my cards tomorrow, I’m going to be alone, with just the post office staff wearing their Santa hats and antlers, and eating their mince pies, (which they’ll probably share with me). And, instead of being stuck in a long mazy queue of grey people coughing, I’m going to have space to stretch my arms out and spin around. And that’s what I’m going to do; just because I can. And because it’s less cruel than swinging a cat.

2. Time. Leaving the cards until the last minute will have other benefits too. Had I written my cards early I’d have spent lots of time writing them out neatly, but I didn’t do that this year, and now that Christmas Eve is almost upon us, I’m doing the Christmas cards as a rush job. So that’s a lot less time that I’ve spent writing cards: Time that I was able to use more productively. I didn’t obviously, I spent it mulling things and playing Angry Birds. I also photoshopped a hat onto the statue of liberty. But it’s still time saved.

3. Inclusivity. It’s more inclusive if I send my cards on Christmas Eve. After all, I’m notoriously forgetful, but I know who I’ve received a card from because there’s a bushel of them in the living room. Or a gross. Or a flock (I have no idea how quantities of cards are measured), so it’s easy enough for me to work out who’s sent them and reply. So if you’ve sent me a card, you’ll get one in return: And if you haven’t, then you won’t. Obviously if anyone else is using the same system as me then that’s unfortunate, but if they are, that would benefit the…

4. Environment. That the Christmas cards I’ve sent won’t be received until after Christmas is good for the planet. Because no one sends out a Christmas card after Christmas, so people won’t send out any cards in reply to mine. So there’ll be less wasted paper, and I’ll have less recycling to do in January. Which is great, as the first recycling day of the New Year is usually like some sort of glass-themed labour of Hercules, but without Hercules and starring me instead.

5. Blame. And no one even need know that their cards weren’t sent until Christmas Eve (unless they’re reading this. Damn) because what’s the default opinion on the Royal Mail in this country? It’s that they’re hapless and inefficient. That’s not strictly true. Most of the time, they’re dedicated people doing a fine, and quite thankless, job, but they’ll automatically get the blame for the tardy arrival of my cards anyway. But that’s their problem and I don’t mind using it to my advantage. After all, I’ve never been stupid enough to change my name to Consignia and they have.

6. How To Win Friends And Influence People. When no card arrives before Christmas, friends, family and acquaintances will probably think “The bastard! He hasn’t sent us a folded over piece of paper with a picture of a fat, bearded man on the front and some illegible scrawl within! How could he do this to me?” But then, when the card turns up a few days after Christmas (“bloody post office”) they’ll feel loved and wanted again. And they’ll feel bad for thinking ill of me, which they’ll probably compensate for by being even more well-disposed toward me than usual. So if I keep doing this every Christmas, people will eventually feel so much affection for me that they will probably erect statues of me when I’m in my old age. I could get canonized! I could become the next Princess Diana!*

7. Finances. I won’t need to buy cards until the last minute, by which time I’ll know exactly how many I need. So none will be wasted. So I’ll be saving money. That’s money that I can spend on other Christmas things like candles that get brought out once a year that nobody ever lights, or those owl baubles that my wife saw (because nothing says Christmas more than a rodent-terrorising bird of prey hanging from a tree). By leaving the cards until the last moment, I’m going to be better off financially, and I’m going to benefit in many, many other ways too. I’m a genius! A mean genius. I’m a meanius!

*But my mother-in-law won’t be on the stamps.

December 23, 2010
7 Reasons Buying A Christmas Card Is Infuriating

1. Design. What is wrong with a picture of a robin or a Christmas tree or a snow covered church? It may be the traditional values I hold dear, but I don’t want to buy a card that has a picture of Santa with his pants around his ankles and a mince pie stuck up his backside.

2. Mother & Dad. I’m sorry, do the card manufacturers have a character limit that prevents them from using the correct format or something? It is not ‘Mother & Dad’ is it? It’s ‘Mother & Father’ or ‘Mum & Dad’. I didn’t look inside the cards in question for fear of being compelled to rip them up, but I strongly expect that also use the phrase ‘Yours Faithfully’.

3. Messages. They are always so bloody cliched and impersonal. ‘To my wonderful parents. You are the greatest around. I will love you until the end of time.’ Yes, they are your parents. Of course you will. Why can’t it just say ‘Wishing You A Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year’ and then leave enough room for me to write whatever I want to write?

4. Record Your Own Message. Yes, you can record your own Christmas message for your parents. If I wanted my parents to hear me wishing them ‘A Merry Christmas’ I would phone them up. Or given that I will be in the same house as them this year, I might actually do it face to face. I don’t need a Christmas card to do it for me. I am not an idiot. Fact.

5. Pets. I have never had a pet so maybe I am not on the same emotional level as those that have, but I have never understood the whole pets and cards thing. Whether it’s the ‘To The Dog’ or ‘From The Gerbil’ kind, they are both, as far as I am concerned, wrong. Your dog can not read and your gerbil sure as hell can’t write. All they want is a squeaky ball or a new bit of cardboard. But obviously I am very much out of touch as Clintons have a bigger section for ‘Pets’ than they do for ‘Wife’.

6. Merry Christmas from Jonathan and Homer Simpson. Why? Why, why, why? Why the hell would I want to give someone a Christmas card that is from myself and a cartoon character? No one I know even likes the bloody Simpsons.

7. Brothers. Why is it you can no longer buy a ‘Merry Christmas Brother’ card? It’s always ‘Bro’ or ‘Bruv’ or ‘Brother and Wife’ or ‘Brother and Girlfriend’ and new for this year ‘Brother and Boyfriend’. My brother is not gay. He has not got a wife. I am not sending him a text in which I may shorten to Bro. And he is not in some downtown hood where everyone goes around punching fists and calling each other ‘Bruv’. He is just my brother. I want a card that says that. Is that too much to ask?

December 22, 2009
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Shave (for men).

Thinking of shaving? Don’t bother, it’s a pointless waste of time and your life will be improved by not doing it. Here’s why:

1. You are on the run. No one that goes on the run shaves. Saddam Hussein – Beard. Radovan Karadzic – Beard. Harrison Ford in The Fugitive – Beard. I don’t know why the authorities don’t draw beards on wanted posters. Fugitives always stop shaving. Why not just round up all bearded men? They did it.

2. Christmas. You are a portly man with white facial hair. Of course you shouldn’t shave before playing Santa. Children will inevitably pull your beard. If your beard should come off in a child’s hand, they will learn in a shocking and traumatic manner that Father Christmas isn’t real. Not only will you have ruined Christmas for them, you will have broken the sacred bond of trust between a young child and society. Eventually, disillusioned, the child will withdraw from society, becoming a loner, a sociopath and, in adulthood, a criminal. Their criminality will escalate until they commit a crime so heinous that they will be forced to become a fugitive and stop shaving. This will be your fault. All because you shaved. You bastard, Santa!

3. Skinny jeans. You wear skinny jeans and a plaid shirt. No one that wears skinny jeans and a plaid shirt shaves.

4. You are a Nazi. None of the crew of a U-boat shave at sea, so they end up with beards at a similar stage of development. We have learned from movies that the more ardent a Nazi the submarine’s Political Officer is, the poorer and sparser his beard growth is. This makes him appear less masculine than the rest of the crew and marks him out for ridicule. Not shaving helps fight Fascism.

5. Turkish barber. You shouldn’t shave if you live near a Turkish barber. If you did, you miss out on the pleasure of having someone else shave you. Who’d want to forgo the experience of having a middle-aged man – shaking and hyperactive from far too much strong coffee – holding a cut-throat razor to your jugular and gesticulating wildly, millimetres from your face, while he asks you where you’re going on holiday this year? Then he sets your ears on fire. You’d miss that if you shaved.

6. Shaving is boring. Scraping your face every day is mind-numbingly tedious, in fact, shaving is the second dullest experience known to man. Why not stop? Then you’d have more time to paint that fence or read this website. The dullest experience known to man is thinking about Celine Dion while shaving, in case you were wondering.

7. Stubble. If you don’t shave, you get stubble. Stubble is brilliant. Stubble is manly. Stubble makes a noise when you scratch it – a noise! How cool is that? Stubble makes you look like Don Johnson. Stubble irritates your wife. Stubble is a facial badge of freedom. Stubble is a bridge between your hair and your face. Stubble prevents you from resembling an accountant. Don’t shave. Get stubble.

November 17, 2009