Tag: PHOTOS

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Move Overseas

Ever considered moving to a new country? Perhaps you are restless at home, maybe you just need a fresh start, perhaps there are better career opportunities abroad. Whatever your thoughts, are 7 reasons to convince you.

1. It’s scary. So, so scary. And it’s not just the big stuff that is scary – family, friends, job, home; it’s the little things as well. Things like not knowing which radio station to listen to, or how to use the bus, or having to ask what obscure children’s programme everyone is talking to. But it’s great because it’s scary. As the great Eleanor Roosevelt said, “do one thing every day that scares you.” Make one of those scary things moving overseas, and that can definitely count for at least a week’s worth of scary things.

2. You make new friends from scratch. You know when you starting dating someone new and it’s great fun because you get to find out loads about a new person, like where they grew up, their favourite music, how they like their eggs? This is also true of making new friends. It can be tough, because as with potential boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes they will turn out to be duds. But don’t let that put you off! The one is out there for you!

3. You get to see another culture from the inside. In a way that you can’t possibly access during a short visit, you will come to know a different culture from a fly-on-the-wall perspective. You watch their TV and find out which newspapers are right wing or left wing. You learn stereotypes and what their comedy is.

4. Realising you’re a local in a new area is brilliant. The moment you notice you’ve finally stopped using a smartphone app to get you around your new ‘hood is a great moment, because you’ve absorbed your new surroundings. Even better is being asked for directions by a native and being able to give them. And better than that? Bumping into people you know on the street.

5. Bragging rights on Facebook. Because what could be a better reason to move abroad than making others jealous over social media? “Just chilling at [insert cool location] with [insert cool new friend’s name] before heading to [insert cool band’s gig] and then [insert cool, location-specific activity]. Whatevz.”

6. Homesickness really sucks. This might not sound like a reason to move overseas particularly, but it is a cathartic experience to have a cry once in a while because a song came up on shuffle that reminds you of home. It makes you value friends and family that much more.

7. Coming home again is excellent. Returning like the prodigal son, you are showered in love, free drinks, attention and meals. Whether it’s just for Christmas or you’re home for good, seeing, touching and smelling home and all the people in it after a lengthy absence is truly brilliant.

Author Bio: Vivienne Egan moved to the UK from Australia a year and a half ago. She is a writer for International Healthcare Insurance company, Now Health, and regularly cries at Tim Minchin’s White Wine in the Sun.

October 18, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Do Your Research When Online Dating

There are over 7 million singles in the UK looking for a long-term relationship, many of whom turn to online dating to find a partner. Online dating can be a great way of finding somebody you share things in common with, but it is important to do your research both on the website you choose as well as on the people you talk to. Here are 7 reasons why…

1. They could be bending the truth. Some people just can’t resist the urge to be economical with the truth on their internet dating profiles. It’s generally about small things, like certain interests, weight, and sometimes people shed a few years off their age. This is because of the tension between the desire to be truthful and also give the best impression. If it´s just a minor lie, be understanding – after all, your profile may not have been totally honest either. However, some may use the anonymity of online communities to deceive you, so stay savvy.

2. They could be unfit for dating. Some people may be slightly troubled, whether that is because of a bad break-up or family issues. This may come across in their profile and when you talk to them – if it does, go with your instinct and tell them you´re not interested. Sometimes, if somebody comes across as fragile, it can be an attractive quality, as you might want to help them get better, but it is often the case that they have to do this for themselves. If somebody appears to be completely off their rocker – stay well away!

3. They may be related. You know that awkward moment at a family wedding when you accidentally kiss a third cousin or –gulp – someone from an even closer branch of the family tree? Well, before you start sending flirty messages to someone, just make sure they´re not in any way related or, perhaps just as bad, an ex.

4. They may be attached. Some people on dating websites are actually in a relationship. It is always worth doing some research on somebody for this reason, as the internet can provide a good cover for people and it can be difficult to know if somebody is lying. Do a background check – type their name into Google and Facebook and see what comes up. If you suspect they might not be genuine, ask them straight out.

5. They aren´t looking for long term. Before you get all excited about someone who seems promising, make sure they´re looking for the same thing as you. Not everyone is looking to commit, and some are scared of it, so check out their profile, ask them some questions and try to gauge what kind of place they´re in and what they want.

6. There is a Christian Grey or Lara Croft within an overweight, unemployed exterior. Hopefully not both at the same time… that would just be weird. They have potential – they´re sweet and kind – if only they would eat less, exercise more and get a job. That’s where you come in on your white horse. If only human relationships could be a simple matter of asking: ‘do you think you will change or become more interesting?’ And the other person would answer: ‘no’. That would be great, wouldn’t it? Instead, you could be a little less direct and just try to gauge their personality – if they seem motivated and positive they may be willing to change.

7. They are boring. These people bang on and on about a whole lot of nothing. They aren’t interested in anything except themselves. Their narcissism knows no end. If they don’t ask questions about you or seem interested in you online or on the first date, stay right away. On some dating websites people answer interesting, stimulating questions and give awesome answers. There’s no time in life to be boring so if you´re after singles with originality and flair, click here.

August 2, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Travel In A Tuk-Tuk In Thailand

Below are seven reasons why anyone planning a trip to Thailand should travel in a tuk-tuk during their time in the country:

1. Style. Nothing says style quite like a tuk-tuk does. For starters, 3-wheelers are just plain cool. Then there is the vehicle exterior – the paint jobs are quite exquisite and the alloys are comparable to something out of a 50 Cent music video. Add to this the tasteful and sophisticated interior and it’s easy to see why tuk-tuks are regarded as such a stylish means of travel.

2. Comfort. If you’re looking to travel in total comfort, a tuk-tuk is undoubtedly the vehicle for you. Spacious, quiet and air conditioned, you can sit back, relax and enjoy your journey in peace no matter how hectic the outside world may be.

3. Stand Out From The Crowd. Should you choose to travel in a tuk-tuk, you can be assured that you will be part of an exclusive group. With tuk-tuks being extremely rare in Thailand, only a select few are fortunate enough to experience the great thrill of travelling in these fine vehicles.

4. There’s Room For Your Shopping. A bit of a shopaholic? No problem at all. These spacious vehicles are perfect for carrying large groups of people, shopping bags or livestock as is often the case.

5. Safety. Tuk-tuks are very rarely involved in collisions thanks to their drivers care and attention whilst on the road. However, should you be unfortunate enough to be involved in some kind of accident, you can rest assured that these vehicles are extremely sturdy with a safety rating that is comparable to that of a tank.

6. Perfect For All Road Surfaces. No matter what the road surface is like, you can be certain that a tuk-tuk will plough on through even the worst road conditions. Thanks to its powerful engine, huge tyres and advanced 3-wheel drive technology, there is no road too challenging for these magnificent machines.

7. Safe From Thai New Year Traditions. Songkran is a festival in Thailand which celebrates the Thai New Year between the 13th-15th April. Should you be in the country during this time, you’ll quickly notice that one of the traditions during this festival is to throw water over each other – a symbol of washing all of the bad away. Normally you’d be in very real danger of getting soaked but you’ve little to fear when travelling in a tuk-tuk.

June 9, 2012
7 Reasons That Kim Jong Il Is The Ideal Pet

Hello dear reader! At 7 Reasons, we’re not afraid to admit when we’re wrong and today, we do just that. Once, we were of the opinion that the Komodo dragon was the ideal pet but, though that would be amazing, we’ve realised that there is a superior one. It’s Kim Jong Il. Here’s why.

1. Kim Jong Il Comes In Many Colours. Whatever your interior colour scheme; whatever hue and shade your decor, there’s a Kim Jong Il to blend in perfectly with it. Even if it’s beige.

2. Kim Jong Il Is Independent. Don’t want a needy pet that requires you to take it out for walks or let it in and out five times per hour? Kim Jong Il is ideal: He comes with his own man-flap.

3. Kim Jong Il Annoys The Neighbours. All the best pets annoy the neighbours, whether it’s next-door’s dog barking at all hours, next-door’s cat pooing in your flower bed or next door’s snake being a snake in close proximity to you. Kim Jong Il does this too.

4. Kim Jong Il Is Loved By Women. That’s important in a pet. After all, they’re usually the ones that end up looking after them once the children grow tired of the responsibility. Surely there isn’t a woman alive that wouldn’t jump at the chance to care for Kim Jong Il.

5. Kim Jong Il Is Good With Children. This is an important consideration when choosing a pet. You need a pet that can help teach them social skills and engender a sense of playfulness in them. That pet is Kim Jong Il.

6. Kim Jong Il Makes Everyone Happy. Everyone loves the warm, fuzzy joy of pet-ownership (it’s one of the reasons we have them). They bring delight and wonder into our lives and spread happiness and warmth wherever they go. So does Kim Jong Il.

7. Kim Jong Il Is Easy To Feed. While other pets have special dietary requirements and often need to be fed expensive and exotic foodstuffs, Kim Jong Il prefers a simple diet of radishes.*

So there you go. Kim Jong Il is the ideal pet. The only drawback is that you might occasionally have to see this.

Seems a small price to pay. So let’s all go out and get a Kim Jong Il. Is a home really a home without one?

*Or sometimes fresh lobsters that he has airlifted to his train whenever he’s away travelling.

**For fans of looking at Kim Jong Il looking at things, this is the place to go.

June 2, 2011
7 Reasons That We Shouldn’t See The Photograph

Breaking news: The world is debating whether or not to look at a photograph, and here at 7 Reasons we have an exclusive. We have got hold of the picture that you should never, ever see, and we’re going to let you, our thoroughly grown-up readers, decide whether you want to look at it. The 7 Reasons team have viewed this graphic image and it’s fair to say that we were somewhat taken aback. In fact there was gasping and a bit of vomiting. We’re going to post a link to the picture at the bottom of this post but before you go there, let us explain why you shouldn’t look at it.

1. You Don’t Need To See It. Would your life be improved immeasurably by viewing it? No. Quite the opposite, in fact. If you want to look at it, it’s only because of morbid curiosity. You don’t need to see it, and your life will not be enriched by viewing it. Trust us on this, we’ve seen it, and once you see the picture, you cannot un-see the picture. It’s like Pandora’s box except it’s not Pandora’s box, it’s a box belonging to someone else. Don’t look into the box and certainly don’t zoom in on it with your mouse. The RSPCA don’t take that sort of thing lightly. Don’t look into the box!

2. It’s Gruesome. The image is bloody horrible. It’s truly sickening to behold and it will haunt you until your dying day. If you don’t want to see something so abhorrent that you might try to poke your own eyes out with a spoon* don’t look at it.

3. There’s A ‘Hole. A big ‘hole. Where once there was life, now there’s a big gaping ‘hole in the foreground; something vacant. You really don’t need to see the ‘hole. Viewing the ‘hole is a truly hideous and traumatic experience that you can well do without. I would have been better off without ever having seen the ‘hole. You will be too. Don’t look at the ‘hole.

4. It’s Puzzling. It really is. Imagine you’re a Viking and a blue cat wearing jeggings is explaining string theory to you. It’s more confusing than that. And you don’t get to wear a beard or one of those horny hats either.** There is nothing in the world that makes less sense than this image***

5. It’s Graphic. We don’t really know the circumstances under which the photograph was taken; perhaps it was hurried, we don’t know, and frankly we don’t want to think about it any further. But there’s still a fire visible in the background and there’s flesh. Much flesh. It’s apparent that the scent of burning flesh would have been strong when this picture was taken. You don’t need to see that or even think about it. In fact, stop thinking altogether. It only leads to trouble. Don’t think and don’t look at the picture.

6. Side-Effects. We’re reasonably young and healthy here at 7 Reasons**** and we felt unwell when we saw it. So we wondered what this image could do to readers with any underlying health problems and, even though we’re not real doctors, we’ve come to a conclusion via a process of wild speculation and abject conjecture: This image could kill. And dying would be inconvenient as you’ve probably got things to do this afternoon or dinner plans. Don’t look at the picture. And don’t die.

7. Trust. Now we’ve put the link to the picture just below this paragraph and we’re going to let you decide whether to look at it or not. But, before you make that important decision, consider this. If you look at the image, you’ll be doing it for the wrong reasons as – and we’ve made this quite clear – it’s bloody horrible and you don’t need to see it. We hope you’ll trust that the judgement of the 7 Reasons team in this matter is sound and that we have your best interests at heart. So when deciding whether to view it, remember that if you choose to look, you’ll be letting us down and you’ll be letting yourselves down too. Oh, and you should probably lock away your spoons.

Here is the link to the image, don’t click on it.

*Or whatever else you have handy, I don’t know why I assume that all 7 Reasons readers are equipped with a spoon.

**If we do have a Viking reader, imagine you’re a Norman. Or a Gerald.

***Except for the labels in baby clothes that say “Keep away from fire”. Where do clothes manufacturers imagine that people store babies?

****When the health and age of the team is taken as a mean average.

May 5, 2011
Guest Post: 7 (+1) Reasons An Onion Doesn’t Make A Good House Pet

In keeping with our traditions as a a self-help guide we are delighted to welcome Paisley Downing to the 7 Reasons sofa. For those of you wondering who Paisley is, let me tell you. Paisley enjoys writing comical articles about pets, politics, and cyber culture. She currently writes for Allied Satellite TV. It’ll come as no surprise to you then that today’s post is concerned with that troublesome matter of selecting a pet. Here’s Paisley (after the photo of an onion):

Selecting the right pet for your home can be a daunting process and, with so many choices, beginning with which pet not to choose could save you time and stress. Today, we’ll look at seven really good reasons you don’t want an onion for a house pet.

1. An Onion Reeks. An onion will necessarily have a powerful smell after peeling or slicing. While this makes it excellent at what it does, it contributes little to the family aspiring to adopt a new friend. An onion simply can’t stay wrapped in its comfy little peel forever. Sooner or later, the onion will have to come out. By then, the only options left include lighting a candle to ward off the fumes, or submerging the onion in iced water. Neither option is conducive to cuddling on the couch.

2. Too Many Layers. Of all the vegetables one could select as a family pet, the onion is known to be most complicated. Just when you think you’ve developed an easy rapport, whammo! Another shocking, perhaps even disturbing surprise from your thin skinned friend. The onion is simply beyond our comprehension, in a number of ways — and by the time many onion owners discover what that number is, the damage to the relationship has been done and there is no going back.

3. Fragility. Onions are not the hardiest of vegetables. Even when stored in optimal conditions, the best of the lot can quickly go bad, transforming your sleek-sheathed bulb baby into a furry friend. While it is true that the variety used for cooking can be stored for much longer periods of time at room temperature — as opposed to sweet onions that require refrigeration — even these are overly sensitive about being left alone, and prefer the company of other onions to yours.

3. Cost. Many people are initially attracted by the affordability of onions, but they fail to see the Big Picture; onions can cost pet owners more than they might believe in terms of personal relationships and health care. How many times has a young man let an onion come between him and that special girl? Or a guy come home from a tough day on the job, only to face the perils of indigestion after a too-close encounter with an onion during his lunch break?

4. Disloyalty. Unlike broccoli, the onion is likely to be disloyal to its owners should a more exciting person come along. Onions tend to wander off with anyone who will give them a moment’s attention, and if you disappeared never to be seen or heard from again, the onion would not care so long as someone else was there to feed, bathe, and play with it.

5. Jealousy. Let’s face it: onions need lots of attention and can be quite jealous. They’re jealous of you, your children, your pets, and your life. Even the most affectionate onion will eventually disappoint you with passive-aggression tactics such as rolling around in your pillowcase when you aren’t looking, leaving a slime trail on the bathroom floor for you to slip on, or throwing out your mail before you’ve had a chance to read it. If you decide to go onion, be prepared to coddle a delicate, high-maintenance temperament.

6. High Energy Levels. Unless you’re very young and active as a matter of course, you will likely find the onion’s energy levels to be too high. An onion is constantly on the move and loves chasing and being chased. This is not a pet for a person who expects a nice, quiet creature to nod hello to in the mornings and evenings and not have to deal with during the day.

7. They Hate Family Photos. Onions are notorious for their purposeful avoidance of the camera during family get-togethers. In fact, they are known to go so far out of their way to escape picture time that there have been reports of onions rolling away into the wilderness at high rates of speed, where they are unfortunately lost or preyed upon by wild animals. What better way to ruin a family reunion than the needless tragedy of losing a beloved pet in the chaos?

April 9, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Images

Hello! Happy Sunday! (or Friday, if you’re one of the 7 Reasons team editing this post before scheduling it for Sunday)

Images are very important to us here at 7 Reasons and we always try to put them together in-house because, though what we post usually isn’t about an image, there’s always at least one picture attached to what we’ve written. We wanted to communicate the significance that we place on arresting and original visuals to you, so we decided that today we would chose three each of our favourite images from previous posts (plus one we’d used from Google Images by way of contrast) and hold an earnest and thoughtful contemplation of the importance of imagery in our posts and the technical and aesthetic merits of the selected illustrations as pieces of artwork. Obviously we failed, so here’s Marc Fearns and Jonathan Lee bickering about pictures instead.

Hitler’s Hand

Originally used in 7 Reasons That Size is Important.

MF. This is probably my favourite of the images I’ve put together for 7 Reasons. It’s not technically brilliant (in fact, it’s quite flawed), but boring stuff aside, it ticks all of my boxes: It’s black and white; It has Hitler in it; it has some sort of Photoshop-induced oddity (the big hand), and it has a random, bizarre element to it (the triangle apparently embedded in Himmler’s head). If it weren’t for Jon’s civilising influence, 7 Reasons would probably look a lot more like World War II than it does already.

JL. I have a serious problem with this image. It seems to suggest the Nazis were very handy. The Nazis were not very handy. They weren’t even quite handy. The Nazis were rather irritating and quite frankly caused more harm than good. I also have a problem with Himmler. Unlike Marc I am not struck by the triangle in his head, but his the binoculars. Why did Himmler need binoculars? Was he a part time ornithologist? Was he a pervert? Why are they pointing at his trousers? This picture provides more questions than answers. And that I find rather frustrating.

Lamb & Jon Photoshoot

Originally used in 7 Reasons Playing With A Cuddly Toy 2010 Was Not A Let Down.

JL. I like this picture because I look like an idiot. And in this life there just aren’t enough people prepared to be idiots. Sure, there are idiotic people, but that’s by accident. It takes a very special kind of person to deliberately make themselves look like an idiot and I am very proud to say I am very special. It also reminds me of that great day last September with Lamb. Oh, what fun was had. Rock on.

MF. I’m less keen on this picture than Jon. While it does feature a pair of Aviators, which is always a good thing, it’s lacking something quite fundamental. Hitler. Or the war generally. Also, outside of the framing, there barely a straight line in it. And what’s with the archway? What sort of oddball has an archway in their house? And he’s wearing a hat indoors which, as any grandparent would be very keen to point out, is a #manfail. The only thing that makes this image good is the albino monkey.

The Anglo-French Flag

Originally used in 7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement is a Good Idea

MF. This Anglo-French flag is something that I’m rather proud of. I constructed it from a picture of a British flag, a picture of a French flag and a picture of a silk sheet (which is how I got the creased fluttering effect). It wasn’t even in the post itself, it was the featured image, which means that it appears next to the post on menus as a thumbnail and it was in the Latest Posts window at the top of our home page for five days. You might wonder why I’d go to such an effort to create an image that would be barely seen but, to me anyway, that sort of detail is important, and I like to think that 7 Reasons is all the better for having high standards. That the image of the intertwined British and French flags brought Jon to near-apoplexy is purely coincidence.

JL. As Marc indicates, this picture absolutely disgusts me. I don’t mind the United Kingdom and France joining forces if we are beating up some bad guys, but to merge the Union Jack with the Drapeau Tricolore is nothing less than treason. I have had to ask myself many searching questions since Marc posted this. Should I turn him in? Can I continue to work with him? How the hell did he get that creased fluttering effect? In the end I have allowed Marc to remain living his life in York. The prospect of writing 7 Reasons on a daily basis was just too much to deal with. Rest-assured though, he’s had a warning. A severe one. And, as he’s posted it again, I shall be poking him on facebook too.

Beauty & The Beast

Originally used in 7 Reasons You Should Never Get Cary Grant & Carrie Grant Mixed Up.

JL. Let me clarify one thing, I don’t have a ‘Cary Grant dressed as a woman’ fantasy. I think it’s important to remind you of this now as I can see why you may be thinking such a thing. It’s a disturbing sight. I don’t think there is any getting away from that. So why do I love it? Well that comes down to the photoshopping. Do you know how difficult it is finding a picture of Cary Grant and a picture of Carrie Grant that will go together seemlessly? No, of course you don’t. The consequences of your actions rarely lead you to such an investigation. The consequences of starting 7 Reasons very much do. So, yes, I was delighted that I found two pictures that would work together. It’s not perfect. If I had my time again I would do a bit of work on their skin tones, but for the purpose of the post it did the job. And in 7 Reasons circles that means victory.

MF. For once, I agree with absolutely everything that Jon said about this image. In his third sentence. I do, however, have some observations of my own. Firstly, bloody Twilight: When you’re a vampire and you’re not even the scariest person in the background of a picture, you’re doing it wrong and you should just bloody stop. Secondly, there’s a terrifying bald man wearing an ill-fitting white suit and eyeliner with someone’s severed arm tucked under his own arm. I haven’t slept properly since I saw this. Thirdly, I find Jon’s Cary/Carrie Grant hybrid creature more attractive than the actual Carrie Grant. Or Cary Grant. This is troubling. And Jon never responds to my emails begging him to photoshop more of them.

Lungs, Heart, Asparagus.

Originally used in 7 Reasons That We Should Grow Vegetables in our Lungs.

MF. I put this one together to complement the title of the piece. It’s an original x-ray with the heart and lungs highlighted which I found online and added asparagus to. I’ve chosen this image not just because I’m pleased with the way it turned out, though I am rather. I’ve chosen it because of the almost boundless amusement it gives me every time someone discovers it searching Google Images for x-rays of lungs. I just like knowing that at any given moment someone, somewhere in the world is looking at it thinking, “Blimey! (or perhaps a colloquial equivalent) That looks nasty. I’m going to treat asparagus with more respect now”. I feel certain that one day, this picture will turn up in a medical journal, or on a GP’s surgery wall.

JL. Who eats asparagus whole? Is that even possible? This is just one of the 7 Reasons images that has inspired readers all over the road. A bit like that man in Norwich who – having been so inspired by a post last June – tried to break the world record for number of Jaffa Cakes eaten in one minute and was subsequently sick all over the biscuit aisle. Now, I am not for a minute encouraging you to see how much whole asparagus you can eat at once – that would be highly irresponsible of us – but if you manage more than five I would love to know.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Originally used in 7 Reasons You Should Always Kiss Properly.

JL. I know what you are thinking, ‘Typical Jon. Two of his three image choices feature him.” Yep, I can’t argue with maths. But let’s look at this photo. At least for as long a you feel comfortable doing so. It is an animated GIF! How bloody exciting! But more than that it is a reminder. A reminder of how far my kissing technique has advanced since last March and – if you’ve been using the above as some kind of guide – how far backwards yours has gone. Lovely stuff.

MF. “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” was my initial reaction to this image when I first saw it eleven months ago. And now that I am older, wiser and more mature, on reviewing this image I would say that my reaction is now AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”. Note that Jon has attempted to baffle us with maths to distract from the inherent narcissism of his selections, but let’s consider it carefully. This, as Jon points out, is an animated GIF, so it’s not one picture of him, it’s three pictures of him. This means that four out of Jon’s five image choices are of himself. That’s 80%. Anyway, that aside, I like this picture. On the first occasion I viewed it I remembered that I was supposed to unblock the kitchen sink, and the repeat viewing has caused me to agree with my wife that I spend too long on the internet and I’ve now closed my laptop, sellotaped it shut and placed it under a sofa. With an anvil on top.

Raw Sausages

Originally used in 7 Reasons That December 24th Should be Known as the Day of the Sausage.

MF. Aha! I remember this piece. Sadly, I also remember this picture. It makes me feel sick. It’s not just that the raw former-animal bits are shiny and greasy looking and some of them appear to be inside used condoms, it’s that I don’t even remember which of us added this to the (co-written) piece. I realise what must have been going through the mind of the person that uploaded it. “Sausages! Sausages! We’ve written a piece about sausages and now I need an image of sausages – any image of sausages – right now, to go with the piece about sausages!” And, in the grip of a deadline-panic, that person will have just grabbed the first image of sausages that they saw and attached it to the post. Truly horrible.

JL. This is a perfect example of what one calls, ‘shooting oneself in the foot’. Not that I shot myself, Marc shot me. And himself. And our argument. Using this image kind of reminds me of that day I sent my CV out to dozens of prospective employers and realised a week later that it didn’t contain my contact details. That section about my ‘outstanding attention to detail’ lost all credibility after that. Now, I’m not saying that the idea of the Day of the Sausage lost credibility with the inclusion of this image, just that – if such a day ever was created – Marc and I would not be part of the marketing team. And that’s sad.

January 30, 2011
7 Reasons I Shouldn’t Have Seen This Picture Of Russell Crowe

1. Lips. Well, Russell looks manly and scary as always. But there’s something strange about his lips. They look a little red, don’t they? They strike a feminine note in an otherwise masculine portrait. That’s what inspired me to do this:

2. Head. There, that’s better. But there’s something else bothering me. In the original photo, the top of his head’s missing. Now I could try to blend in some hair to make it appear that he has a complete head but that’s tricky and time-consuming, and I have a simpler idea:

3. Accessorise. Okay ladies, now I’m sure you’ve all noticed that the hat looks a little out of place as it doesn’t go with the rest of his outfit. What he needs is something else to compliment it. Don’t worry, I’ve sorted it.

4. Legs. Russell has no legs in the picture either. Now, there’s nothing wrong with having a missing limb – as these amazing guys are preparing to demonstrate – but we know that Crowe has two of them. Never mind, I can get some from the internet.

5. Background. So there you go, Russell’s finished. But what about that dreary background? I’ll put him somewhere else.

6. Words. Not quite finished yet, we need some words to complete the picture. I’m a little tired now, what with all of the photoshopping, so I’ll need some help with that. This is now officially a caption competition. Put them in the comments section and we’ll add the best entry to the picture.

7. Danger. You might think that it’s foolhardy to lampoon a notoriously angry and volatile man like Russell Crowe, but how hard can he be? My name’s Jonathan Lee, and I’m not scared in the slightest.

**********Update**********

We were inundated by both entries to the caption competition and it was hard to pick a winner. But there can only be one and the winner is…Robert A. Foot with this entry.

Sailor 1: There’s something not right about that woman over there. Sailor 2: Yeah, her accent keeps changing every 3 minutes.

Thanks very much, Rob and Daryl, for your entries. You’ve both won a place on our prestigious (though seldom updated) Links page.

May 18, 2010
7 Reasons Not to Upload a Facebook Profile Picture.

1. You look like this.

2. There are two photos of you in existence; one is of you paddling nude, aged two; the second is a blurred and poorly composed picture from your wedding in 1983, you are wearing maroon.

3. You are a troll who only uses Facebook to anger people in the group I Love Knitting. Your post stating that “Knitting is an inferior pastime for cack-handed simpletons who lack the dexterity and finesse required for the infinitely superior art of Crochet” has generated such fury amongst online knitters that you fear for your safety.

4. You look like this.

5. You are a besotted cat owner. No one wants to see posts on their wall that are apparently from a cat. Nobody wants to interact with a cat in a discussion forum, it makes them look a bit mad. Your friends don’t want to receive a message of condolence in response to their status update that apparently comes from Tiddles the cat. Don’t do it, madam.

6. You are a bald man with a beard. No one needs the fleeting moment of doubt that comes on first viewing a picture of a bald man with a beard. The thought “Is that picture upside-down?” followed by the closer scrutiny required to ascertain that it is not, is a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

7. You are Simon Cowell.

Go on…comment. You know you want to.

November 3, 2009