Tag: pen

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Almost Everyone Should Keep Chickens

Dads are an interesting bunch. They’re either absent; or they’re present in body but absent in any meaningful way (such as when you want a lift to a dodgy club no parent worthy of the title would ever take their 17-year-old, much less drop off a block away so the teenager in question wouldn’t have to be seen with their totally embarrassing dad); or they care deeply about the fortunate position they’re in and want to bestow upon their children gems of wisdom. Gems like, “You could feed the world on chickens and zucchini. If everyone just kept chickens and grew zucchini, world hunger would cease.”

Like I said, interesting.

In honour of Father’s Day – and now that I am 36 years old and living 4,000 miles away from my bonkers old man – I can concede that fathers sometimes do know best. At least when it comes to solving life’s little problems, like world hunger. So as a tribute to my dad, here are 7 reasons why almost everyone should keep chickens.

1. Chickens + zucchini = starvation solved! In a nutshell, the theory is this: chickens are inexpensive, easy to keep and don’t take up much space. They produce eggs, which you can eat, and if you can tolerate a noisy cockerel, they’ll also keep producing chickens, which you also can eat. Zucchini, otherwise known as courgette, operates in much the same way. Cheap, self-sufficient, produces loads. Mind you, no one actually likes to eat zucchini, but shred it in with some eggs (and other stuff) and you can make the world’s greatest cake. Fact.

2. Got weeds? Hate cutting the grass? Get chickens and they’ll do all the work for you. What’s more, they’ll actually enjoy doing it for you. Let’s not kid ourselves that chickens are anything like pets, because they’re not. They’re skittish instead of cuddly, they sometimes get mites (which are gross) and they’re incredibly stupid. So stupid, in fact, that their world revolves around scratching up worms and picking at weeds. Chickens are like vacuum cleaners for the garden, except that they…

3. …poo everywhere. This is one aspect that chicken enthusiasts will always gloss over. Yes it’s lovely to see a smattering of colourful hens blissfully pecking about in your garden, but the price you pay is in poo. On the upside, the stinky stuff is so rich in nutrients that it will keep your zucchini plants growing fat and happy without any weird chemical frankenfertilisers.

4. I’ve yet to meet a kid who willingly eats the crusts of bread, but do you know who will? That’s right. As well as being squawking, pooing, mite-infested simpletons, chickens have another thing going for them: they will eat anything your kids won’t, including eggs and eggshells. But not actual chicken-meat byproducts, which would just be gross and cruel, even if they’d be too dumb to know the difference.

5. Also, kiddies love chickens. Collecting eggs is like finding a little present every day. Feeding chickens gives children a sense of responsibility and compassion, or at least it keeps them out of your hair for five minutes. Better yet, let your kids have some fluffy chicks. Just don’t tell them they’ll probably get eaten someday (the chickens, not the kids.)

6. Everybody loves eggs. Therefore your popularity will be guaranteed every time you nonchalantly offer a free half-dozen to your mates. No one has to know it’s because the thought of one more omelette is enough to send you rushing for the laxatives.

7. Chickens in knitwear. This phenomenon is beyond my powers of sarcasm, you just have to appreciate it for yourselves.

June 3, 2013
7 Reasons to Buy a Fisher .375 Caliber Bullet Space Pen

Great news, 7 Reasons readers! It’s now the future, for the zenith of that great and influential piece of technology – the pen – is here. Pictured down there, just below these words, is the most awesome pen ever. The only pen you’ll ever need. A pen that you can use on absolutely any occasion. If you want to be prepared, never mind the Scouts, get this pen. Did I mention that it’s awesome already? It’s awesome.

1. It’s Mighty. Okay, I can’t get anything past you. You’ve noticed, haven’t you? It doesn’t look like a pen, does it? No. It’s made from a .375 calibre bullet. That makes this pen mightier than the pen, which is mightier than the sword. It’s also packaged in an attractive gift case and is easy to transport in your pocket.

2. It’s Handy. I live in Britain where few people own guns and, as such, I have a very limited understanding of them. But what if bands of roaming barbarian hordes turned up at my house. Or hordes of roaming barbarian bands? Or reams of hording, barbering hands? Or bandaged ranks, handy with swords? I’d be fucked. And really confused. But if I had a bullet pen I’d be able to defend myself and my loved ones in the best possible way: By writing a cross letter to the local newspaper and then hurling the pen really hard at an assailant. That should work, right?

3. It’s Feminine. Now, you might be thinking that this isn’t a very feminine accoutrement, and that this awesome pen would be undesirable to women. But you’d be very, very wrong. Because if you thought that, you’d be making the crass assumption that what every woman wants is a man. But they don’t. And let me tell you right now, there is no surer way of not getting a man than for a woman to carry a large bullet around in her handbag. None. You can’t even top this with a cat in a pram or a hat made of cheese. Or Crocs.

4. It’s Waterproof. It writes underwater, which is something conventional pens can’t do. And it’s important to be able to write under water. For a successful submariner, for example, the ability to write under water is a necessary part of the job. They need to be able to write things down to do with charts and protractors and compasses and periscopes that you couldn’t possibly understand. If they were explained by me. The Fisher .375 Caliber Bullet Space Pen is ideal for all of this underwater tomfoolery.

5. It’s Airproof. It writes over water too. So if you’re an unsuccessful submariner, you can still use the pen without feeling stigmatised and discriminated against as a consequence of your haplessness and ineptitude. Sure, other submariners may mock you, but it won’t be because of your pen.

6. It’s Oilproof. Who amongst us hasn’t been trapped in a barrel of oil and suddenly remembered that it’s Mothers Day? If you own this pen, your mother will never be card-less again. You’ll also be able to write inside a wok and on the head of my teenage self. It’s so practical!

7. It’s A Force For Good. It raises the stakes and pushes back the boundaries of science, technology, the human species as a whole and the design of pouch laminating machines. Because the bullet space-pen is so amazing that it’s way ahead of the curve. Sure, the pen works underwater, and so does paper. For a short time. But eventually in water, paper turns to papier-mâché and, as we know, turning French is undesirable. The only thing that can prevent this horror is the pouch laminating machine which sadly, does not work underwater. Because of this technological imbalance, humankind will inevitably pour all sorts of resources into making the underwater pouch laminating machine a reality. All because of the Fisher .375 Caliber Bullet Space Pen. Bring on the future* (only £16.34 and delivered free within the UK)!

*My birthday is in June.

April 5, 2011
7 Reasons That This Pen is Stupid

1. Shape. When the lid is on, the pen is oval-shaped and it puts me in mind of a rugby ball. That should be a good thing as the Six Nations is on at the moment, but look at the colour. It’s blue. And it’s not even the dark blue of France, it’s light-blue, the colour of the Italian team. Italy are the worst team in the competition – worse even than England. This pen exudes the acrid stench of failure. And I don’t want to smell failure when I’m writing. I want to smell coffee. Or soup.

2. Emasculation. The pen is two inches long. Two inches! To men, having a two-inch-long pen is bad. Having a two-inch-long pen is unmanly. To women, a two-inch-long pen is unsatisfactory too. A big pen is much more desirable to both sexes. Big pen is good. Small pen is bad.

3. Gift. The pen is a gift. The worst kind of gift – it’s a gift from someone who lives in the same house as me. This means that I can’t just put it away in a drawer or re-gift it. I have to keep it here on the desk where I can see it. I can see it right now. It’ll be months before I can move it to the box in the loft where I hide all of the unwanted gifts. Months.

4. Writing. Look at this picture of my hand. Do you see that blue speck in the centre of my palm? (you may need to fetch your glasses for this one) No? I’ll tell you then. It’s the pen. How, you may ask, does a hand that size write with a pen that size? The answer is badly. Very badly. In fact, if I had to use the pen to write this 7 Reasons post, it would be four words long and those words would be “bloody”, “fucking”, ”stupid” and “pen”. And they would be illegible.

5. Blue. It’s a Highlighter pen. In blue. I – like a lot of people – write in blue ink. This means that the pen is completely useless as a highlighter. It has the opposite effect. It’s an obscurer. If I want to make my words appear fuzzy and indistinct, it’s the pen to use. Otherwise, it’s useless.

6. The Horatio Pyewackett Caractacus Fearns test of Pen-Stupidity. I own a cat that attacks pens. If he sees one, he pounces – whether I’m using it or not. When hoovering under the sofa (infrequently), I always find several pens that he’s stolen and then lost under there. Can I get him to attack this pen? No I bloody can’t. And I’ve rubbed catnip on it. Even my cat knows that this pen is stupid.

7. Suppository. I’ve just realised what else the pen reminds me of. It looks like a suppository. Appropriate really, given what I’d do if with the pen if I ever encountered the feckless cretin that designed it. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid bum-pen! Grrrr! I hate this pen!

March 19, 2010