Tag: Marc Fearns

7 Reasons To Be Self-Employed

1. It’s 00:00 to 23:59, not 9:00 to 17:00. You can choose when you work. If you want to work at 3am on a Sunday morning then that is fine. You answer to no one but yourself. Unless you live with your partner and your computer is in your bedroom. They probably don’t want to hear you bashing one out in the middle of the night. An email I mean.

2. Social Media. To a normal boss in a normal company, the likes of twittering and facebooking are seen as distractions. To the self-employed though, they are vital tools of the trade. All self-employed people have a streak of the entrepreneur about them. They are always on the look out for ideas. Which is why conversation about ‘imaginary friends’ on twitter is classed as research.

3. Sport. A whole lot of sport happens during the day. Cricket, tennis, golf, baseball, The Olympics (all forms), various World Cups and World Championships. That is a heck of a lot of sport you are missing while working for some major conglomerate. Or the Co-Op. Not only do the self-employed watch all this sport, they all use it to their advantage. Watching Stuart Broad knock over Ricky Ponting’s poles doesn’t half motivate you. Okay, it motivates you to keep watching, but when the day’s play is over, then you are pumped to do some work. Or you will be after dinner. And the highlights. Actually, you’ll be ready at the end of the Test. But you will be ready. Just a shame the deadline has passed really.

4. Chores. They can be done at anytime you like. Cleaning the bathroom can be Monday at 10am. Food shopping can be Tuesday at 2pm. Having your haircut can be Wednesday at 11am. And if you are really lucky you’ll get the OAP rate.

5. The IT Department. Everyone in IT is a muppet. It’s official. They think you should know what SMPT means and how to locate the back-gate entrance for Microsoft Outlook. No one knows that stuff. I don’t even think there is a back-gate entrance for Microsoft Outlook. I think he was trying to make himself sound clever. The thing about working for yourself is that if something goes wrong you don’t have to phone someone up to ask them how to fix it. You can press reset and blow all the dust away from the back of the PC. And more times than not it works. Within minutes you are flying through the front door of Microsoft Outlook. In your face Sam in IT.

6. Tea-bags. You don’t have to share them and no one is going to steal them. They are yours. You can also have the brand and flavour you want. None of this value stuff, you can have proper tea from a proper tea plantation. Imported directly to you if you like. I get mine from Sainsburys.

7. Your Fee. It can be what you want it to be. If you want to charge £300 an hour, you can. You won’t get much work unless you are Pete Doherty’s solicitor, but that’s irrelevant. You can go around saying, ‘I charge £300 an hour’. Though when you end up working in the local pub you should probably stop. It makes you sound like a prat.

April 19, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You’re Not Watching The IPL

Taking over the good ship sofa 7 Reasons today, is student and Muse fanatic Rob. A. Foot. (No we’re not sure what the ‘A’ stands for either). When Rob isn’t reading 7 Reasons or arguing about politics with an angry Scotsman on twitter, he can be found blogging away at There Is Music In The Breakdown. Oh, and judging by what’s coming next, sticking pins in his Lalit Modi voodoo doll.

1. Duration Of Matches. It just isn’t long enough. 120 balls per innings? That’s not even long enough to get yourself in before compiling a decent innings! It is also nowhere near enough time to get all of the batting side out. Before you know it, you’ve just batted yourself in, and then you’re being told that the innings is over? Ludicrous! The whole game is over and done with in just a few hours. How are you meant to while away a day that’s meant to be spent writing an essay/revising/doing work by listening to Jonathan Agnew and Geoffrey Boycott bicker about how someone’s relative could have hit the ball with a piece of fruit?

2. Vulgarity. First of all, the team strips. They are ridiculous. The Mumbai Indians strip looks like it has little cymbals lining the hems along the shoulders. The Chennai Super Kings’ kit looks the colour of a banana, and the Royal Bangalore Challengers kit looks like someone has dumped it in tomato sauce. Then there’s the music that plays at every boundary/wicket/ball/scratching of noses. And then there’s the cheerleaders. Why are they necessary? Isn’t there anything more exciting than seeing a highly rated batsman playing and missing at a ball which fizzes by his off-stump? Cheerleaders have nothing on that.

3. Money. Most of the foreign players are only there for the money. When you see someone getting auctioned off for several million dollars, you get the impression that it is just cattle being sold, not cricket players. Then you see that they are getting lots of money for the privilege of playing cricket in a hot country when their homelands are freezing cold. You begin to question their morals. Cricket players should have standards. They aren’t footballers.

4. The advertisements. If you have the misfortune to watch the cricket on YouTube, then you will quickly become familiar with the adverts. All two of them. The first, an advert for a hair styling cream, is innocuous enough, with only mildly annoying music accompanying it. The second really gets my goat. An advert for a phone company, with annoying music and a painfully annoying voiceover. Then you end up putting the computer on mute until the advert finishes. But then you do something else, and by the time that you go back to it, it’s that bloody advert again. The other alternative is to watch it on ITV. With that woman staring at you.

5. The Tactics. Or lack of them. All the captain of the fielding side needs to say is: “Right, Dale, bowl at the stumps early in the innings, then as wide as the umpire will allow later” and he’s done with it. Yes, he can move his fielders around to try and catch a batsman out, but then again, most of the catches made by fielders are just for miscued smashes which balloon high into the air before being smothered by the wicketkeeper or the long-on fielder. The batsman’s mentality, by the way, is just to smash every ball as far as he can.

6. The Umpires. The players aren’t the only people to see this slogfest as a way of going over the top; the umpires want in on the game too. As the batsmen play more extravagant shots, the umpires find more extravagant ways of signalling that these shots have been rewarded. Instead of just raising the finger (index) at a decent speed when someone is given out, it takes an age for it to be raised. Instead of standing still whilst waving the arm sedately when signalling for four runs, the umpires now appear to be helicopters about to take off. Then with the six signalling, instead of raising the hands, the umpires now appear to be attempting to break the high jump world record. Alright, I’ll admit it. All of the previous points have related to Billy Bowden.

7. You Don’t Like Cricket. I’m sure that this will cover the vast majority of people who haven’t been watching the IPL this season. Does it need explaining?

April 17, 2010
7 Reasons You Should Build A Castle

1. The Portcullis. So much better than shutting the door on an annoying visitor. A portcullis will make sure they definitely do not come back. Providing you get the timing exactly right that is. If you don’t, they may come back with an arm hanging off.

2. The Moat. A morning swim is a popular pursuit. It gets people ready for the day and keeps them fit. Unfortunately, most people don’t get the full benefit of the exercise because whilst doing laps in the local pool they cut corners. You can’t cut corners in a moat. If you try to, you’ll smash your head open. Very few people think this is a good idea. Hopefully you are not one of them. A few laps of your castle moat in the morning and you’ll be ready to take on the world. Wet, knackered and covered in piranha bites. Sorted.

3. The Keep. I don’t know about you, but I seem to have a lot of stuff. And most of the time I don’t know where to keep it. I rather suspect a Keep will do the job nicely.

4. End The Norman Monopoly. The Normans built most of our castles apparently. I am not sure who The Normans were – I imagine a cross between The Nolan Sisters and The Osmonds – but whoever they were, they have monopolised the trade. You can’t move for Norman castles in this country. Other people need to start building castles to bring down this evil empire. People called Jonathan or Marc or Mark. Whatever your name is, go and build a castle. Unless it’s Norman. In which case run. Run very fast.

5. Earn While You Live. The great thing about castles is that they are tourist attractions. They attract millions of visitors every year. And – providing they don’t know a back entrance into the grounds – they’ll have to pay for the privilege. What better way to earn a bit of extra money when you are out at work? And just in case you are worried about people stealing stuff, don’t be. Just put a nice looking rope in front of your dining table and a sign saying ‘Do Not Touch’. You’ll be amazed how effective it is.

6. Cleaning Bills. Proper castles didn’t have carpets. Or curtains. Or windows. Probably because the cleaning bill would have been extortionate. Do the same and all the money that you have saved can be put towards a new bailey. Or a trebuchet.

7. I’m The King Of The Castle, You’re A Dirty Rascal. For the first time in history, a nursery rhyme will actually have meaning. You used to have to stand on top of the climbing frame to say this little cracker, now you can stand atop a turret and shout it down to whoever walks along your drawbridge. Until you get the postman you want that is.

April 15, 2010
7 Reasons Frank Sinatra Talked Nonsense

1. If I Can Make It There, I Can Make It Anywhere, It’s Up To You, New York New York. No it isn’t. A city does not decide whether you make it or not. A city is an inanimate object and therefore lacks the necessary attributes to make such a call. But if you are that desperate, try Norwich. You’ll have more luck.

2. She’d Never Bother, With People She’d Hate, That’s Why The Lady Is A Tramp. This does not make the lady a tramp. It makes the lady someone who uses her time wisely. Think Thatcher and Scargill.

3. The Way You Wear That Hat, The Way You Sip Your Tea, The Memory Of All That, They Can’t Take That Away From Me. Unless they shoot you.

4. I’ve Lived A Life That’s Full, I’ve Travelled Each And Every Highway. An oxymoron to begin with. And probably bollocks. That is a hell of a lot of road.

5. Saturday Night Is The Loneliest Night Of The Week. No, that would be Monday night. When you are desperately trying to come up with ideas for the following day’s 7 Reasons post.

6. I’ve Got The World On A String, I’m Sitting On A Rainbow. No, you have a microphone on a wire and you are sitting on a stool. The difference is beyond substantial.

7. Come Fly With Me, Let’s Fly, Let’s Fly Away. Not so much a nonsensical comment, as a ridiculous and dangerous one. Frank didn’t own a pilot’s license. I wouldn’t bloody trust him. Especially as he carried a crate of whiskey around with him.

April 13, 2010
7 Reasons To Become A Superhero

1. With Great Power Comes Great… I know it’s supposed to be, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’, but quite frankly they are missing the bloody obvious. With great power comes great power. Sometimes you get lucky and get even more than one. I.E.: Two. Anyway, the point is that I can have great responsibility by becoming a milkman. What becoming a milkman won’t give me is power. Especially in a milk float. So given the choice between becoming a milkman and becoming a superhero, I recommend the latter. Although if we all became superheroes, then we wouldn’t have any milkmen. I might have to come back to this later.

2. The Film. Providing you are a half-decent superhero – and this means you don’t die before you’ve named yourself – you’ll have a film made about you. It’ll also be named after you. Oh, and it will star you. And that’s only the beginning of it. Superhero films usually do very well at the box office. Think of all those royalties. And the costume styled pyjamas. And the action dolls. You’ll be a multi-millionaire before you know it.

3. The Cape. Capes look daft. I know they are supposedly the fashion these days, but the French wear them. That means they must be daft. Unless, that is, you are a superhero. I know what you are thinking, ‘What happens if you are a French superhero?’. Well that’s a bit like saying, ‘What happens if you cross an OXO cube with an idiot?’ The answer is the same. It’s an Oxymoron.

4. The Soundtrack. You would have your own personal one. A soundtrack that would accompany you on all missions. You wouldn’t even need a sound system. The soundtrack is just there. Floating about. Ready to be turned up to loud as soon as you do something good.

5. The Girl. She’s generally the one next door. You’ve probably seen her. No, not her. She lives on the left. It’s the house on the right you want. Yes. Her. As a superhero you will always win her. She’ll probably think you’re a bit weird to begin with – probably something to do with you climbing up the drainpipe to her bedroom window – but you’ll get her in the end. Always. (Unless you are Batman. In which case you get Robin. Which is nice. I suppose).

6. Never ending wardrobe. All superheroes run down the road pulling their shirt apart to reveal their lycra superhero costume. They then go about their superhero business before returning home for the evening. At no point do you see them return to the original road to reclaim their shirt. Nor do you see them nipping down to Marks and Spencer. The only explanation is that they own a never ending wardrobe. Or their Mum lives with them. If your Mum doesn’t live with you, you are halfway there. Nice one.

7. The Fight. Superheroes never lose. Even if they have been strapped to the seabed. In a large microwave. With Jo Brand. It must be amazing to know you can get out of that mess unscathed. So amazing in fact that I am now calling myself Lee-man. He’s a bit like He-man, just with an L and an extra E instead of the H. Seems worth it to get away from Jo Brand.

April 9, 2010
7 Reasons It Takes 7 Songs To Tell You Who You Are

I’m a bit weird. I thought you should know. Sometimes I sit on the tube and listen to music. Nothing weird there I admit, but sometimes I sit on the tube, listen to music and decide to play a game. I switch on the shuffle function and decide that the next three songs will tell me what sort of person I am. So for example, Billy Joel’s Piano Man would tell me I am a musical instrument engineer. Now, the more observant of you will have noted that I am not. Which is why Piano Man never has been in the first three. It really is that accurate. So today, here are the first seven songs that emanated from my speakers after I had clicked shuffle. They tell you exactly the kind of person I am. That’s right. Weird.

Dancing In The Dark – Bruce Springsteen. I can’t dance. Switching the light off is always my first move. Admittedly this looks stupid at three in the afternoon and gets me in trouble when I am out clubbing*, but needs must.

Wings Of A Dove – Madness. That’s right, I’m vain. I don’t have wings, but I do have arms. I also find the sensual properties of Dove for Men Wing Lotion particularly welcoming.

No Words – Neil Diamond. This is generally what happens when my girlfriend asks me what I am thinking. Well, she got fed up with hearing the word, ‘Nothing’.

The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore – Robson & Jerome. Believe me, if your iTunes shuffled to Robson & Jerome while you were writing a piece entitled 7 Reasons It Takes 7 Songs To Tell You Who You Are, you would be hoping the sun ain’t gonna shine anymore. In fact you’d be hoping the world was going to end. Sharpish.

Yes – Coldplay. I’m a Yes man. In general, I’ll say yes more times than I say no. It creates opportunities and gives you new things to do with your life. Like thinking up 7 Reasons posts. Like writing 7 Reasons posts. Like editing 7 Reasons posts. Like getting annoyed because the 7 Reasons post you have just thought up, written and edited is actually rubbish. Like sticking pins into your Marc Fearns voodoo doll because you said yes to him last October.

Sussex By The Sea – Horsham Borough Brass Band. I am good at geography. To be honest I didn’t need the Horsham Borough Brass Band to give hints as to which Sussex they meant. But like them I like to clarify things. Like England By France. Or in a dream England Bye France. Or in an even better dream England Buy France, England Sell The French, England Send Gordon Brown, Germaine Greer and Janet Street-Porter Through The Channel Tunnel, Lock The Door And Melt The Key. Epic.

Waiting For A Star To Fall – Boy Meets Girl. Yes, I’m naïve. I also think the sky is going to fall on my head and Steven Gerrard is going to learn the words to the National Anthem before the World Cup starts in June.

*Yes, I have been known to go clubbing. I’m not all about tea and crumpets.

April 1, 2010
7 Reasons It Sometimes Takes 7 Hours To Write 7 Reasons

Hour One. Have a cup of tea, watch the Australian Grand Prix highlights, remember I need to do something. Can’t remember what that something is. Drink tea. Remember that something is write a new 7 Reasons post. Reluctantly sit at desk and look around for inspiration. Rather worrying I have used everything in my room as inspiration before. This might be hard work today.

Hour Two. Come on Jon, get your act together and start thinking properly. It’s really not that hard to think of 7 Reasons. Just think of a topic. Watch the IPL for a bit and come back. You’ll have an idea in five minutes. 7 Reasons Lalit Modi Is A Twat or something. Five minutes later start on new post. 7 Reasons Lalit Modi Is A Twat. Genius.

Hour Three. This is getting ridiculous. The only reason I think Lalit Modi is a twat is because he has exploited the market and is making a shed load of money from it. I want to do that someday. That would make me a twat. I don’t like that idea much.

Hour Four. Okay, this is now officially ridiculous. I need to put this to the side and come back to it. I should go for a run and punch a few unsuspecting dog handlers. But it’s raining. A lot. I like running in the rain, but not when it’s raining. A lot. New idea: 7 Reasons To Run In The Rain. Erm…

Hour Five. This is getting beyond the ridiculous now. There are no good reasons to run in the rain. Only muppets run in the rain. That’s it! 7 Reasons Muppets Run In The Rain. Reason One: Because they are lazy and rain water will wash their shoes. Brilliant Jon, that is quite possibly the worst reason you have ever thought of. How about 7 Reasons You Can Tell A Lot About Someone From Their Running Preference? Am I writing a 7 Reasons post or a bloody thesis?

Hour Six. This is now officially beyond the ridiculous. Six bloody hours to write 7 poxy reasons?! I need help. Maybe someone on twitter can do this for me? Does anyone want to put me out of my misery and write tomorrow’s 7 Reasons piece for me? Five hours it has taken me so far. FIVE hours. Reply from @sophietonks Seven hours should make it the perfect 7 Reasons post then! Ooh! There is something in that! I can write about why it took so long to write today’s post. Thanks Sophie!

Hour Seven. I am going to make this idea work. It’s either this or I have to email Marc and tell him I can’t do this anymore. Open up my email account and start typing the message. Can’t bring myself to press send though. I’ll force this idea through. Somehow. I just need to remember what the hell I was doing six hours ago. I could just make it up. No one is going to know. 7 Reasons People Know You’re Lying. Why has it taken me seven hours to think of that? I could have probably written that in thirty minutes. I need tea.

March 30, 2010
7 Reasons You Should Always Kiss Properly

Please note, the proper way to kiss involves lip on lip action. No substitute will be accepted. Until you’ve finished reading this anyway. Quite frankly, I suspect you’ll all be so horny in two minutes time that you’ll want to go away and try the lot. I shan’t stand in your way.

1. Eskimo Kiss. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but you have no idea what your fellow kisser has up their nose. They could be suffering from a hideous cold. The impact of nose on nose could cause an embarrassing and traumatic experience for both of you. Especially if the words, ‘Bloody hell, it was a marble’ are soon heard.

2. Butterfly Kiss. It’s pretty obvious what can go wrong here. Eyelashes may become tangled. You will have to pull apart in a move reminiscent of a Christmas cracker. Who will end up with the extra eyelid?

3. Fishlips Kiss. Just so there is no doubt as to what I am referring to here, please see the photo above. Thanks. This is a particularly dangerous kiss as it may result in you sucking so hard on the inside of your cheeks that you actually bite a chunk off. You don’t really want that floating about your mouth while partaking in a little romance. It’s also a particularly awkward kiss as you both have to tilt your heads quite a long way. Neck strains are commonplace.

4. Earlobe Kiss. This is quite sensual. So long as earrings aren’t involved. Choking on such a thing completely spoils the mood.

5. Glasgow Kiss. As the name suggests, this a particularly romantic kiss. Also known as the headbutt. You’ve got to be really sure the object of your desire is a sadist before giving this a go. Either that or make sure he/she has something soft to land on.

6. Gum Kissing. This is a strange one. People – that’s us – have long had a fascination with pretending we have no teeth. (I imagine it must be the sound we make when trying to talk as opposed to the thought of our dentures floating in glass next to us). Really this is where such a fascination should end. Just you. On your own. Looking in the mirror. Under no circumstances should you try and kiss someone like this. Not only does it feel weird, it is an accurate representation of how kissing each other will feel in fifty years. Can you live your life knowing what is around the corner?

7. Vacuum Kiss. This is best tried when someone is least expecting it. Perhaps when they are driving a bus. However, this move is also the most dangerous of the lot. It is one thing distracting the driver, quite another sucking the life out of them.

*All information has been researched and verified by a kissing expert.

March 26, 2010
7 Reasons Text Abbreviations Are Confusing

Via: roadsidescholar.com

1. U2. As in, ‘I’m going to the festival! U2?’ Now what I understand from this is that someone is going to a festival. What I can’t work out is whether they are asking me if Bono is playing, if there is a submarine docking station nearby or whether I am going too.

2. LOL. As in, ‘Was great to see you today. LOL.’ Does that mean lots of love or are they laughing at me? Outloud? Are they being sarcastic? My Mum doesn’t want to see me again does she?

3. ATM. As in, ‘Hi. I’m in Barclays ATM. See you in five minutes.’ What?! How on earth did they get inside an automated teller machine? And how do they know it’s only going to take them five minutes to get out? Is this a regular occurrence? Oh good golly! I’m friends with a serial cashpoint raider.

4. PLZ. As in, ‘It would be great if you could join me plz.’ Again I’m very confused. Do they want me to join them at Port Elizabeth Airport or in a random German postcode (or Postleitzahl)? There is quite a difference.

5. TOY. As in, ‘I hope it goes well today. TOY.’ What is this? A name change? A new signature? Is it a new nickname for me? Do they just think I am a play thing? I’m being used. That means last night I was abused.

6. ENUF. As in, ‘ENUF is ENUF’. The Ethiopian National United Front is The Ethiopian National United Front? Why am I being told this? If I knew one I probably knew the other. Did my previous message imply that I was in a pub quiz? My brain hurts.

7. BOT. As in, ‘Anyway, BOT.’ Are they referring to me as a robot or do they just want to address my backside? Something that sounds quite painful in all honesty. Especially if they intend to use a franking machine. And what happens if they don’t want to treat it as first class? Because I do. I treat my backside with the utmost respect. But I digress, let’s get back on topic.

March 24, 2010
7 Reasons The French Couldn’t Invade The UK

1. Language. A successful French invasion would result in the British speaking French. That’s not happening. The British have about as much interest in learning French as they do in my trousers. They are also incapable of learning something so… well… pointless. (The British I mean, not my trousers. Though, come to think of it, my trousers are fairly incapable in that department too). The fact is, we Brits just wouldn’t turn up to the classes. The French would eventually get fed up and go home. Then they’d find that while they were out for the day we took over. Genius.

2. Beaches. The French have dainty little feet. It’s a well known fact, in my mind, that they spend 56% of their time in the bathroom moisturising their toes. If they try and invade by boat it means making an assault via our beaches. These are made from stone. That’s enough to make them turn around and run out of petrol in the middle of the English Channel. Please note that name. The English Channel. None of this French Chanel No.5 rubbish.

3. Flights. Attempting to invade by plane would be particularly stupid as most of the planes destined for Heathrow get diverted to Charles de Gaulle anyway. Or Luton. Both are pretty horrendous.

4. Time Difference. The French are an hour ahead of the British. Not in common sense, just in time. Supposing the French finish work at 5pm their time. It would take them two hours to get to London. That would be 6pm our time. Rush hour. Told you they didn’t have common sense.

5. Food. There is no point in invading and then going home for tea. We’d just take our country back. The French would actually have to occupy the UK. This would mean eating British food. Well they’re not going to do that are they? Who wants a plate of fish and chips when you can have frog’s legs dipped in snail fluid?

6. Nelson. Horatio still gives the French nightmares. That is why you never see an onion-selling cyclist in Trafalgar Square. Fancy losing a battle to a bloke with one arm and one eye. Do you know how difficult it is steer a ship with one arm and one eye? That’s pretty lame France.

7. Scared. The French are big pansies. In the early 1800’s Nelson had both the French and Spanish fleets blockaded in at Toulon. Instead of fighting back, they slipped through the back entrance. (A nasty habit). Nelson ended up having to chase them all the way to the West Indies. And back again. And they still didn’t bloody engage in battle. If that is their attitude how could they possibly invade the UK? They’d run away crying if the foghorn on the Calais to Dover ferry was a bit too loud.

March 22, 2010