7 Reasons

Tag: Marc Fearns

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why A Credit Card Might Save Your Life

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why A Credit Card Might Save Your Life

    7 Reasons Why A Credit Card MIght Save Your Life

    1.  It Just Might Save Your Marriage Someday. Women love to shop. It is part of their genetic makeup. If you are married to a woman who thrives on shopping, and you deny her the fulfillment of this instinctive, natural urge, you could very well end up causing very real marital problems. You know the old saying “hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn”? That phrase was coined by a department store. So when your wife finds a way to spend all of your money, you will be owing a debt of gratitude (and interest and fees) to the best credit card companies.

    2.  Your Parents Refuse To Raise Your Allowance To Keep Up With Inflation. You need money to go out with your friends. You need money to treat your significant other on a date. You need money to put gas in your (parents’) car. You need money to buy the latest gadgets and accessories and to keep up with all of the stuff that your friends have. But when your parents refuse to give you the money to fund your lifestyle, and you can’t (or won’t) find a job, then a freshly minted credit card, made for students, can be a godsend.

    3.  You Get Trapped In An Elevator Or Locked In A Room And Can’t Get Out. Credit cards are notorious for getting you trapped… financially. But they can also help you get out of traps… physically! These slender little shards of plastic can help you unlock doors and windows, and can help you to pry open practically anything that needs to be opened. Who would have thought that a credit card just might help you get out of a difficult situation rather than get you stuck in one.

    4.  You Need To Do Your Part To Save The Economy. The economy is in shambles. We’ve all seen the devastation caused by the collapse of the housing market and the implosion of the job market. You might think that the prudent thing to do in during these tough economic times is to hunker down and keep tighter control over your money and reign in your spending habits. But if you do that, the economy is just going to worsen, isn’t it? If we want the economy to recover, then we all need to put our confidence back into the economy and start spending again. So get that credit card out and start spending, and do your part to save the economy!

    5.  Using Your Credit Cards Is A Matter Of National Security. One of the most sacred institutions of the United States is the pursuit of the American Dream. Indeed, keeping the American Dream alive is one of the stated goals that our politicians in Washington DC have been emphasizing in their attempts to revive the economy. Therefore, it is your patriotic duty as an American to keep the American Dream alive by keeping the credit card companies in business. After all, how long can we expect them to survive on government bailouts? Their bailout should come from the private sector. And what better way to help keep the credit card companies in business than to use your credit cards?

    6.  The World Is Coming To An End And You Need To Safeguard Your Cash. The Mayans predicted that the world will end in 2012. Scientists claim that an asteroid will be coming close enough to impact the earth during this century. World War III could happen at any time now. If a run on the banks would occur and people start hoarding cash, you could always rely on plastic to help you survive the economic uncertainty that lies ahead.

    7.  When You Run Out Of Money Every Month, At Least You Will Have The Credit Cash Back Rewards To Help You Keep Afloat. If you are living paycheck to paycheck, using one credit card to pay off another every single month, then at least you should be looking forward to your credit card cash back rewards! When you find yourself constantly running out of money every month, at least you know that all of the money you spent on your credit cards, keeping a balance and accruing interest, will pay off when you get those cash back rewards every month! A credit card can really help you out when money is tight!

  • 7 Reasons The UK Should Be 100% Renewable

    7 Reasons The UK Should Be 100% Renewable

    I’m going to put my neck on the line and say that, one day, the UK will become 100% reliable on renewable energy sources. It probably won’t happen tomorrow. Or indeed by next Tuesday. But I would like to think it will happen in our lifetimes. And, you know what, we should all be encouraging it. Because it would be great. Here’s why:

    7 Reasons The UK Should Be 100% Renewable

    1.  Expressions. Are you bored with hearing the same, tired expressions when you ask someone what the weather is like? “It’s chucking it down,” they say. Or, “It’s bloody windy!”. No, you’re probably not. But that’s because you see the weather only as something that influences what you are going to wear. When the UK becomes 100% renewable, this view will change. The weather, be it sun, wind or rain, will provide all our energy. And with something so serious, come serious expressions. Gone are the uncouth observations. In comes, “The energy is wonderfully blustery today”, “We’re being bathed in glorious energy” and “It’s that annoying energy that gets you wet.” We’ll sound like something from an undiscovered Jane Austen novel. I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to it.

    2.  Defence. How you ever asked yourself, “Why doesn’t Margate get invaded more often?” Given its classic Arnold Palmer mini-golf course you’d have thought it would be a prime target. If you don’t have the answer, don’t feel ashamed. It took me a while to realise it too. Just off the coast of Kent is the world’s biggest off-shore wind farm. Yes, a farm of wind turbines. That’s why no one is invading. They’ll get chopped to bits in the propellers. When the UK is 100% renewable we’ll have these wind farms all over our coastline. We’ll be impregnable!

    3.  Barons. I don’t know any personally, so for purposes of this reason I shall invent a Middle-Eastern oil baron called Sheikhin Stevens. Now Sheikhin has a lot of oil that the UK currently buys off him so we can feed cars petrol. (And other stuff.) He’s a bit greedy is Sheikhin and so he charges us a lot. The good news is that he’ll soon be surplus to requirements. Because soon the UK will have their own barons. Biomas barons. And solar barons. People that produce their own renewable energy and sell it to renewable energy companies. Like St. Aldhelms Chruch in North London do by selling their solar energy to Good Energy. Who then pass it onto us and make a better planet.

    4.  Go Wild. Perhaps the best thing about renewable sources is that they never run out. At least we hope they don’t. And if they do we all die anyway so what’s the point in worrying about it? Assumption has it that sun, wind and rain will always be around. (Like a really good Earth, Wind and Fire tribute group I suppose.) The fact that it can’t run out means we can all do the things we want to do, but, in this day of fossil fuel reliability, are afraid to start. So, we can put the heating on at 2pm if we want. We can re-boil the kettle even though we did it thirty-seconds ago. We can leave all our lights on when we go on holiday. It’ll still cost us, but assuming that hurricane is still on the way we don’t have anything else to worry about.

    5.  Aesthetics. It’s a little known fact that gargoyles are simply statues that have been attacked by acid rain. I mean, would anyone really attach a granite troll to their house? Of course not, it was a mermaid before the rain got to it. Now, acid rain – as I am sure you’re aware – is a product of water droplets mixing with sulphur dioxide and nitrous oxide. Products that are released when fossil fuels burn. No fossil fuels means no pollutants. No pollutants means no acid rain. No acid rain means nice statues of dolphins and kittens and Michael Jackson.

    6.  Industry. If you’re anything like me, you won’t remember the 1950s on account of the fact that you weren’t born. The UK was great back then though. That’s what Wikipedia says anyway. Our car industry was particularly strong. So strong in fact that we were the second biggest car manufacturer in the world. Now look at us. Bentley, Jaguar and Rolls-Royce are all owned by foreign fingers, we’re outside the top ten in terms of manufacturing and we actually consider a Skoda to be a viable form of transport. But there is a solar-powered torch light at the end of the tunnel. You see, no one has quite got to grips with inventing the car that runs solely on renewable energy sources. People have tried and either it looks like something from Minority Report or something only Susan Boyle should drive. So this is the UK’s big opportunity. When we go 100% renewable we’ll need renewable cars. So let’s be the biggest manufacturer of environmentally friendly cars in the world. And then let’s sell it all to BMW for loads of money and invade France. Something like that anyway.

    7.  Cows. I don’t know about you, but I think cows are a bit boring. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the lot. A bit like an episode of Friends really. But cows do have their uses. Milk for instance. And methane. Only methane isn’t a good use. Some scientists, somewhere, have established that methane from cows account for 3% of the UK’s greenhouse gas emissions. It’s not a great amount, but with the UK being 100% renewable we should really find a use for this fuel. And, as luck would have it, the Argentinians have already worked out of way of harnessing methane and using it for stuff like cooking. And they do it by strapping a plastic box to a cow’s back and shoving a tube… somewhere. Suddenly the countryside has got far more interesting.

    7 Reasons The UK Should Be 100% Renewable

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Christmas Eve Is Better Than Christmas Day

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Christmas Eve Is Better Than Christmas Day

    If you were in the 7 Reasons club this time last year, no doubt you’ll be rushing down to the butchers today to celebrate The Day Of The Sausage. The rest of you, no doubt, will be eagerly awaiting tomorrow. Christmas Day. Arguably the best day of the year. Well, certainly in the top 365 anyway. Here at 7 Reasons we are not adverse to handing out gifts and this year you get yours a day early. It’s a special Christmas post from the undisputed King of Guest Posts, Richard O’Hagan. PS: When he’s not writing rude words in the snow he’s adding to his Memory Blog. Well worth a RSS Feed Subscription.

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Christmas Eve Is Better Than Christmas Day

    1.  Anticipation. One of the best things about Christmas Eve is that it isn’t Christmas Day. Obviously. This means that it is the day when you reach the height of anticipation about the day to come. You can’t do anything more. The shops are shut and Amazon haven’t been able to piece together a next day delivery service for December 25th*, so you just have to kick back, relax and resign yourself to the fact that you can’t do anything to make Christmas any better, so you just have to look forward to the day to come. And you also get to build large toys whilst drunk. No-one who has ever tried to put together a tricycle at five to midnight ever forgets that experience, no matter how much Baileys they’ve downed beforehand (and no matter how hard they try to)

    2.  Food Choice. It’s only Christmas Eve, so you can eat what you damn well like. The mandatory turkey-fest is another day away and all dining options remain open to you. Which means that if you fancy getting a huge takeaway so that you can have the leftovers for breakfast on Christmas morning, you can do. Or you could have sausages.

    3.  TV. For all of the build up that the television companies give to the 25th, Christmas Eve television is infinitely better than Christmas Day’s offering. Aside from anything else, it tends not to be clogged up with octogenarians reading you their Christmas letter and Channel 4 trying far too hard to be trendy, not to mention the tired old sitcoms that weren’t that funny anyway being even less funny as they try to shoehorn a festive storyline into their archaic format.

    4.  Shopping. The shops being closed on Christmas Day isn’t a bad thing in general, but at least on Christmas Eve you can pop to Sainsbury’s if you run out of milk or, heaven forbid, booze.

    5.  Work. Admittedly this doesn’t apply to so many people this year, but over seventy percent of the time Christmas Eve is a work day. It is a great day to go to work for most, because almost nothing gets done, you get to go home early and someone pays you for working the full day. And if you do have to work properly, you get to feel all virtuous and Christmassy anyway because you are the only people working properly, so it is a win-win whichever way you look at it.

    6.  Lie-Ins. Whether you are working or not, you can be sure of one thing – you will get to sleep in longer on Christmas Eve than you will on Christmas Day. If you have small children, they will be up and wanting to open presents practically as soon as the clock passes midnight. If you have older children, you’re probably going to be woken up by your grandchildren instead. If you have no children, your partner will get over-excited and still wake you up early. And if you live alone, don’t worry, there will be a child wailing somewhere long before 7am to rouse you from your slumber. Get all the sleep you can on the 24th, because the 25th is going to hurt. Which is why you should make sure that you don’t run out of booze on the 24th.

    7.  Disappointment. Inevitably, Christmas Day cannot live up to all of the expectations. We build it up to be the perfect day of all days, so something has to go wrong – the turkey taking too long to cook, the neighbours calling in unexpectedly, Santa not bringing you the moon on a stick that you asked for. Christmas Day cannot help but be a disappointment. Christmas Eve never is, because at the end of it a fat bloke is going to give you a load of presents. And nothing is better than free presents, is it?

    *In truth, they’ve not really worked out a delivery service for most of December, preferring the ‘give it to Yodel or City Link and hope the customer forgets ever ordering it’ option. One the things I ordered is presumably still in a locked empty flat where Yodel apparently delivered it a fortnight ago.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why The Banana Splits Are Brilliant

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why The Banana Splits Are Brilliant

    I would like to say we’ve been saving this one especially for Christmas. But that would be lying. The truth is I lost this post in the 7 Reasons vault sometime in April. Not that I knew it at the time. You see, this only came to light on Friday when today’s author – Richard O’Hagan – queried why we hadn’t published his 43rd 7 Reasons work. Or words to that effect anyway. I said I didn’t know and blamed Marc. Then I realised it was my fault. Anyway, it’s all sorted now and today Richard’s post finally gets the airing it deserves. If you want to read more from Richard, he’s still remembering things and writing them down over at The Memory Blog.

    ***

    This post was precipitated by a conversation which I had with Marc at the end of March. Well, I say ‘conversation’, but it was on Twitter and largely consisted of me sitting there twiddling my thumbs whilst Marc went off and changed nappies/fed the wife/saved the world/did other manly things. The conversation began with Marc comparing me to the fifth Beatle, something which I objected to on the grounds of limited life expectancy and even more limited royalty cheques. It ended with me agreeing to be the fifth Banana Split, which suits me fine because I have a weakness for ice cream sundaes (they are more edible that Russian Roulette ones, I find).

    Then I realised that he didn’t mean delicious fruit and dairy desserts, but the television show of the same name. Which I didn’t mind either, because I loved that show as a kid. In fact, here are ‘7 Reasons Why The Banana Splits Are Brilliant’.

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why The Banana Splits Are Awesome

    1.  Fleegle. What better name could there be for a beagle? It rhymes, it has the ‘flea’ connotation, and moreover this one was in charge of one of the greatest television shows ever. If I actually liked dogs, and if they didn’t fall foul of my ‘no point in having any pet that you can’t eat’ rule*, and if I was going to get a beagle, I’d name it ‘Fleegle’ too.

    2.  Bingo. Bingo was the drum playing orangutan with the glasses and the biggest grin this side of an American TV evangelist. Whenever great, charismatic, drummers are mentioned – Moon the Loon, Bonzo Bonham, Animal from The Muppets – Bingo is always left out, yet that level of spaced out dementia doesn’t just come from nowhere. Today, 7 Reasons is putting Bingo back where he belongs, in the great pantheon of drumming nutjobs.

    3.  Snorky. Without a doubt the least convincing elephant in the history of television, Snorky (for some reason referred to as ‘Snork’ in the theme song) was the non-speaking, squeaking, member of the Splits. Surprisingly deft on the keyboards and remarkably hairy, he has the odd distinction of being the most recognisable of the four despite never saying an intelligible word, thereby making him the Ian Brown of his day.

    4.  Drooper. It was only when I was researching this piece – yes, there was research, you think I just know this stuff? – that I realised that Drooper was supposed to be a lion. I’d always assumed that he was some particularly mangy breed of dog. Now I know that he’s actually the skinniest, mangiest lion in history. But he did have exceedingly cool sunglasses well before the likes of Liam Gallagher were even thought of. And ‘Drooper’s Letters’ preceded anything Viz could come up with by at least a decade. Moreover, he was voiced by

    5.  Daws Butler. The legendary Hanna-Barbera voiceover artist, the man behind not only Snagglepuss and Quick Draw McGraw, but Yogi Bear himself. That’s right, the Banana Splits have a direct genetic line to Yogi and BooBoo, despite none of them being a bear at all. Which means that they invented cross species genetic engineering long before Wayne Rooney’s parents thought of it.

    6.  Banana Buggies. Would sir like a multicoloured beach buggy to drive across the dunes at high speed? YES PLEASE! If there has been a cooler summertime mode of transport than a Banana Buggy then I have yet to see it. And better still, unlike other anthropomorphosised television characters, they didn’t have to share. Oh no. They got one each. Being a Banana Split meant never having to wonder which seat you were going to sit in, and therefore never having to understand Rebecca Black.

    7.  Theme Tune. The theme tune is, without doubt, the greatest children’s tv theme of all time. Aside from anything else, it is the only one to have been covered by a punk band** and the only one that it is still cool to sing when you are as old as me***. And definitely the only one to have been released on yellow vinyl.

    *You were expecting a tired cliché masquerading as a joke here, won’t you. Go on, admit it! I can see you smiling, you know.

    **The Toy Dolls’ cover of ‘Nellie the Elephant’ doesn’t count, as it was never the theme to a children’s show and they were about as punk as Cliff Richard

    ***Oh, yes it is!

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Believe Harry Potter Exists

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Believe Harry Potter Exists

    As you may have noticed, here at 7 Reasons we have a habit of belittling other people’s muppetry. The question, ‘Is Harry Potter Real?’, for instance, would have us stampeding towards our pencil cases. As indeed we did when we discovered this. However, when today’s guest post dropped on our inbox mat, we had to take a step back. And question ourselves. Because today we are confronted with seven compelling reasons that suggest maybe, just maybe, we were too quick to judge. Perhaps, just perhaps, Harry Potter does exist after all. So, with that in mind, let’s get to the post. Written today by massive Harry Potter nerd, Rachel, who went to boarding school and Oxford University just to have an education as close to the Hogwarts experience as possible.

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Believe Harry Potter Exists

    Come on, admit it: at least once in your life, you’ve fantasised about what it would be like to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Depending on the level of your Harry Potter obsession, you might even have gone as far as to have a careful think about which House you’d get put into by the Sorting Hat (definitely Ravenclaw for me). If you’re still waiting for that Hogwarts acceptance letter to drop down your chimney, check out our seven great reasons why you should hold out hope that the magical world of Harry Potter really exists…

    1.  Online Stores. Anyone looking for a reason to believe need search no further than their computer screen. A decent Google session later and you could quite easily purchase yourself a wide array of wizarding accessories. With anything from school supplies to apparel, time turners and hand carved wands available, any budding witch or wizard can easily stock up for their first day at Hogwarts. Just order your acceptance letter (again, available online) and head on down to platform 9¾ at King’s Cross Station.

    2.  Muggle Wear. When wizards attempt to dress in ‘Muggle clothes’, the result is notoriously hilarious: slippers with pinstripe suits, a middle-aged man sporting a flowery dress and a bowler hat, or unusual patterns and colour combinations, the ensembles that they come up with are anything but normal. I’m sure everyone has seen someone whose outfit garners a second glance or a funny look, someone who doesn’t seem to understand that you shouldn’t wear a dressing gown with skinny jeans. Maybe they were just cold? Or maybe they were an undercover wizard.

    3.  Supernatural Sightings. Yetis in Tibet, the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland or aliens in Roswell: hundreds of unbelievable, supernatural sightings and occurrences are reported every year. What’s easier to believe: that a UFO sighting is proof of alien life from space, or that it was just a glimpse of Mr Weasley’s flying Ford Anglia? Or even a small bespectacled boy riding on a hippogriff.

    4.  History. Ancient records are littered with references to the occult: Merlin in Camelot, witch hunts in Salem or stories of immortality elixirs – tales of witches and wizards permeate the fabric of our history. There’s no smoke, as they say, without fire.

    5.  Sweet Stuff. Sugar Quills, Fizzing Whizzbees, Butterbeer, Exploding Bonbons, Liquorice Wands, Jelly Slugs, Chocolate Frogs, Cauldron Cakes, Pumpkin Pasties, Firewhiskey, Pepper Imps, Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum, Acid Pops and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. I don’t know about you, but I’m not prepared to live in a world where these sweet treats don’t exist.

    6.  Quidditch. The strangest of games, Quidditch defies the laws of logic. Not only is this school sport played in mid-air (health and safety anyone?), but unless one of the teams is able to gain a lead of at least 160 points, the whole match, and subsequently the final score, rests on the shoulders of the Seeker. You can’t make this stuff up, so it must be real.

    7.  The International Statue Of Wizarding Secrecy. This may be the most obvious reason of all, but the only reason for not believing that Harry Potter is real lies in the absence of proof: why would we have proof? These are not wayward sorcerers who cast spells at random; the Ministry of Magic has rules about that sort of thing. Officially established in 1692, the Statue of Secrecy was created to “safeguard the wizard community from Muggles, and hide their presence from the world at large”. With such a law in place, I’m sure that any Muggle with proof would find themselves on the wrong end of a memory charm pretty sharpish.

    If you have any further reasons to add, please leave a comment below – we are the believers!

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Be Your Own Sovereign Nation

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Be Your Own Sovereign Nation

    Remember when you were a youngster and you drew a new country – Jonville – in your parent’s atlas? No? Well you missed out. I did and my imaginary country was amazing. But that’s all it was. Amazing and imaginary. It never actually became a reality. (As those of you who have looked in a 2011 atlas will know.) Today’s guest post from Mark Richardson goes that one step further. Mark’s not interested in whimsy. He’s interested in the real thing. He wants to start his own country. And here’s why you should do it too:

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Be Your Own Sovereign Nation

    Many of the great, and imaginary, thinkers of our time have said; “There’s no freedom like political freedom”. And they are right. Don’t take my word for it, read a history book. Its pages will be drenched with the blood of warriors who fought for independent rule and freedom. That could be you. Although I would advise you don’t actually fight for freedom. Rather have some coffee and get others to fight for you. Like the French do.

    “Why should I be my own sovereign nation?” I hear you ask. Well here are seven thought provoking reasons.

    1.  No More Speeding Tickets. I don’t remember being included in the meeting where speed limits were decided. Democracy failing at the first hurdle there really. Well, diplomatic immunity will solve that. Next time you’re handed a speeding ticket, hand it back claiming you are beyond the jurisdiction of traffic law enforcement, and demand an apology. You will need diplomatic number plates though. And your nation’s flag flying from your car. That’s a nice touch.

    2.  Military Allies. Label anyone who messes with you a rebel insurgent and request military assistance from the United States Army. Let’s see those neighbourhood punks give you crap when there’s an Apache Gunship hunting them down.

    3.  Money, Money, Money. Don’t stress about that new credit card application. Request one hundred million a year directly from the IMF. Billions exchange hands every year in loans to third world economies. Why shouldn’t you get a piece of that? Claim you need the money to implement a project to build decent housing and ease the overcrowding in your nation’s more populated cities. Roughly translated; get yourself a big house. Personally, my nation could do with a 150 acre secluded coastal estate with a private beach and helicopter pad.

    4.  Travel The World. Sick of economy class and cheap hotels? Me too. Plan a trip to Washington DC and request to stay in the White House and have a meeting in the Oval Office with the President. Demand that the press be present, and request a personal bodyguard for the duration of your US visit. Insist that this bodyguard be Chuck Norris.

    5.  Make Up Your Own Holidays. Why settle for the mere handful of holidays issued by your regular government when you could invent your own when it suits you? It doesn’t have to stop at holidays either. Parades are fun. An annual street parade based around a bikini theme is a killer foreign policy plan. The problem is that regular governments don’t put enough thought into this stuff.

    6.  Get Rid Of Door-To-Door Sales People. Sales people encroaching on your land to sell you crap you don’t need are to be immediately detained as spies and found guilty of espionage, and then imprisoned never to be seen again. Those that email you spam will be tracked down with the help of Western Intelligence Services, accused of cyber terrorism and sent to Guantanamo where violent things will be done to their sensitive parts. Seriously, I hate those guys.

    7.  Get Your Own National Anthem. Yes, one of the perks of being a visiting dignitary everywhere you go. Be creative here. Don’t go the normal boring route. Try Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine and demand that it is played every time you walk into a room. Also, everyone should stand respectfully for the entire duration of the song.

    Well, there you go. Be your own Nation. Craft your own destiny. I should point out at this stage that these suggestions probably actually won’t work in a real world situation. But if you don’t ever try you won’t ever experience the crushing failure that leaves you feeling like an underachieving loser.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons The Holiday Season Sucks

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons The Holiday Season Sucks

    If you’re feeling really festive, we mean really festive, then today’s guest post from Louise Tillotson probably isn’t the kind of thing you wanted to read over your lunch break. On the other hand, though, if you bat for Team Scrooge this is the kind of thing you’ll want to read and share and read and share and read and share… (repeat to fade).

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons The Holiday Season Sucks

    I like Christmas as much as the next person. Provided that person is, in fact, Scrooge. Bah humbug and all that…

    But honestly, I do enjoy the festive period to an extent. The act of going out in the cold, wrapped up warmly, spending my hard-earned savings on things I don’t have to find space for in my already cluttered home is, to me, one of the joys of Christmas.

    When you’re a grown-up, Christmas does kind of lose its appeal. But when you have kids of your own and see it through their eyes, it seems magical all over again.

    Sadly, what those little eyes don’t see are the niggly little annoyances that now seem to ruin the season just that little bit more each year. I’m talking about…

    1.  Christmas Cards. Every year we send flimsy bits of cardboard with awful pictures on them to people we never see or speak to throughout the year. And every year we get flimsy bits of cardboard with awful pictures on them given to us which we then have to display in our homes in case the giver happens to drop by. Which is unlikely seeing as we haven’t seen or spoken to them all year…

    2.  The Weather. Do a Google image search for ‘Christmas’ and you immediately get thousands of pictures containing snow-covered cottages, trees festooned with lights, and jolly-looking snowmen made out of the purest white snow. Now look out of your window. See the grey slush laying forlornly in the gutter, the crumpled lump of grey and yellow matter with a single carrot poking out at an odd angle, the few dimly lit bulbs hanging on for dear life to a wilting bush…Doesn’t the sight just fill your heart with winter joy? No, I didn’t think so.

    3.  Strange Bearded Men. I am of course referring to Santa Claus, Father Christmas or whatever you call him in your family. There’s just something vaguely creepy about taking your beloved little one to sit on the knee of a strange man and confide in him all their secret wishes for the season. Or more realistically; start to cry hysterically, scream for mummy and wet themselves.

    4.  Cold Food. Maybe it was just the way my mother cooked it, but I always think of Christmas dinner as being a lot of cold stuff covered with thick gravy. There’s obviously an art to getting four types of vegetable, three types of potato, turkey and stuffing to the same hot temperature at the same time…and my mother never mastered it. Our turkey dinners always consisted of freezing cold meat, red hot gravy and tepid everything else. Which probably wouldn’t be so bad but the turkey is always far too large and you end up having it with every meal for a week afterwards.

    5.  Mandatory Alcohol. And when I say alcohol I don’t mean the tasty stuff that you’d choose to drink if you were at the pub. I’m talking about stuff like Babycham, the “wine” parents buy when they want to get their offspring amusingly drunk; and Advocaat, which looks like runny custard and smells like it’s been drunk already. And woe betide you if you don’t want to drink – you’ll have a glass of this cheap plonk out of a box and damn well enjoy it!

    6.  Decorations. I don’t mind what people have inside their homes, as I don’t have to look at it. I’m talking about the stuff people decorate the outside of their homes with. As far as I can tell, there are two rules every outside decorator thinks they must obey: the lights must be the brightest you can find, and if they don’t flash and/or cause a hazardous distraction to drivers, you’ve not used enough. For preference, you should also create your own Nativity/Farm/North Pole with brightly lit animal structures too, for that added tackiness.

    7.  Presents. Last but not least, we come to the gifts. Your granny is probably delegated to trot out the old adage “giving is better than receiving” but honestly, I think it’s true. Only by not receiving gifts can we avoid having to pretend to love the hideous pair of socks a lazy uncle has bought you, or the bath salts which you just know will make you smell like the inside of a pensioner’s handbag. There’s only so long you can wear a fake smile and feign delightedness so as not to offend your well-meaning but utterly clueless relatives.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Make Sure You Buy The Right Christmas Present

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Make Sure You Buy The Right Christmas Present

    Some years (Radley) I get it right, some years (B&Q) I get it wrong. Yet I never seem to learn. I still make the same mistakes and I suspect I shall continue to do so until I’ve got rid of all these spirit levels. (I thought they measured gin. They don’t.) Perhaps I can learn something from today’s guest post, though. Because today Leo Parker tells us why buying the correct gift is so important. There’s also a picture of Bill Murray being scared by a pile of coats which quite frankly makes this the most awesome guest post ever.

    ***

    To be honest, Christmas sucks – it’s impossible to buy presents for people and you seldom receive what you really want (jet-pack) so this list of seven reasons to make sure you buy the right Christmas present is, for all intents and purposes, moot from the outset….

    ….so, let’s get started.

    1.  You’ll Feel All Warm Inside. This is patently untrue, but we’re led to believe via movies and such like that we should feel good about getting people the things that they want. But, truth be told, most people (male people) will merely pick up the nearest Christmas gift guide and purchase the first thing they come across regardless of who the recipient is to be. Ergo, you will see a mother unwrapping a remote control hovercraft and a young niece opening a Top Gear DVD come Christmas morning. Result of this – tension filled Christmas lunch.

    2.  Karma. If you buy good gifts at Christmas, you’ll bag yourself some quality karma. Dish out luxury Swiss watches to your friends and family on Christmas Day, for example, and you’ll be lucky for ages afterwards. Or they’ll think you’ve turned to a life of crime and disown you.

    3.  Revenge. Perhaps an odd emotion to go for on the day of Jesus’ birth but, if you think about it, buying a good Christmas present for someone can be the perfect act of revenge. Someone give you a terrible gift last year? Give them a bloody Tag Heuer watch for Christmas! That’ll make them feel guilty. Revenge…..ACCOMPLISHED. No, wait!

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Make Sure You Buy The Right Christmas Present
    Sweet revenge in the form of Tag Heuer Watches

    4.  A Peaceful Life. When buying Christmas gifts for girlfriends, wives, mistresses et al, special dispensation must be made from your normal poor gift buying endeavours if you hold out any hope of a peaceful life. Buy the wrong gift for your girlfriend (after she’s repeatedly told you what she wants, to the point of writing on your phone, computer, iPod and arm) and you are opening yourself up to a world of pain. You won’t hear the end of it and any hope you had of watching Boxing Day’s set of Premiership football fixtures…..well, you can kiss that goodbye.

    5.  Give The Impression Of Normality. It is generally expected of people to find simple tasks easy and what could be easier than buying a gift for someone – especially when you’ve explicit instructions as to what the gift should be? Well, if you want to appear normal, then you should make buying gifts look simple and whether you’re looking for men’s watches or Power Rangers action figure, you’ve no excuse for messing it up. Unless, of course, you leave all of your shopping until Christmas Eve – in which case, welcome to my world.

    6.  Avoid Ghosts. If you plan on living into your later years and have never given good presents, then you’re in for a ghostly surprise a la Ebenezer Scrooge. Give crap presents for decades then don’t be surprised if you’re visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future asking what the deal is.

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Make Sure You Buy The Right Christmas Present
    I think that’s the Ghost of Christmas Future….or Death

    7.  It’s Christmas. What are you doing reading this? You should be out panic buying presents for your loved ones! No matter how difficult it is buying Christmas presents, there’s no excuse for not trying so get online (if you’re lazy) or on the high street (if you’re resilient to cold) and give that debit or credit (are you sure?) card a work out.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons I’m Going To Buy Window Blinds As A Christmas Gift For A Stranger

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons I’m Going To Buy Window Blinds As A Christmas Gift For A Stranger

    If you can remember as far back as March, you may recall Ewan MacDougal advocating the art of building a fortress from furniture. Well, we are pleased to say he’s back. And this time he’s got Christmas on his mind.

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons I'm Going To Buy Window Blinds As A Christmas Gift For A Stranger

    Window blinds as a Christmas gift for a stranger? “Well that’s a little odd!” I’m sure you’re thinking. Window blinds are generally something one buys for themselves. Choosing window blinds is a big task that can change the whole feel of a room. It would be presumptuous for me to think I could choose how someone else’s’ room must look. “Maybe,” I imagine you suggest. “Maybe choosing window blinds for a loved one could work.” And certainly I agree it would make more sense if I told you I was buying window blinds for, say, my Grandmother – whose tastes I’m likely to know well, especially if she had been hinting she wanted window blinds and knew I had worked with a window blinds company for my job. However, Grandma will have to wait, because this Christmas I’m buying window blinds for a (near) stranger.

    It is not that I am a blind fanatic who hopes he can create a little piece of Christmas magic by having blinds delivered to a random strangers’ home. It’s actually far more self serving than that. It has been said on occasion, that I am perhaps at times a little socially awkward. (Shocking I know.) This was proved to me the other day at a party when, whilst trying to make friends with a stranger, I may have accidently given the impression I could be a stalker. I assure you I am not a stalker!

    It’s okay, though, I have a cunning plan, window blinds will save my reputation and potential friendship, and here are seven reasons why.

    1.  Proof That I’m Gainfully Employed. I have a job, like a proper one with an office, day time hours, email address, phone number, a monthly wage, the works. All these very normal things. I’m sure the random stranger I may have seemed like a stalker to, has in mind a stereotypical stalker. I imagine this stereotype of a stalker is quite a weird individual. Who does not get on with people and does not keep regular hours. A stalker fitting this stereotype would probably struggle to get or hold down a regular office job such as mine. Thus by making it known that I have a job I will surely seem less stalker like. How will blinds help? Well one of my clients at the moment just happens to be a leading window blind manufacturer. I’ll be sure to mention the work connection on any gift tag, making my normalness apparent.

    2.  Window Blinds Create Privacy. This reason is surely an obvious one, but in case some didn’t share quite the same train of thought as I did… Stalkers are notorious for staring through the windows of their victims. Watching all their movements, keeping track of every happening in their life. If someone was to use blinds this would become much more challenging. So, unless I was a stalker particularly looking for a challenge, it would be completely counterproductive to give someone blinds. Thus, the stranger I met at this party will only be able to conclude that I am not a stalker.

    3.  Sending Window Blinds Is Actually Less Creepy Than Explaining The Situation. So the ‘sensible’ among you may be thinking, “Surely this mistaken stalker conundrum is all just a miss understanding that could be sorted out by explaining.”. Well.. maybe. However, the only means of contact I have for my possibly alleged victim soon to be friend, is a postal address. This is what got me into the whole mess in the first place. After the party I was calling a taxi for myself, and being the generous non-stalker that I am I called one for her as well (hence having an address) and at the time I joked that now I had her address I could send her a postcard. I’m no comedy genius, but even I can tell that offering to send someone a postcard isn’t a particularly funny joke. In fact, in all honesty, I don’t know if it can be deemed a joke at all. So how could I save myself as being remembered as that guy who tells non-funny jokes? Well, I could only think of one way. Pretend it was never a joke at all and actually send her a postcard.

    So, that’s what I did. The next day I bought a postcard, drew a nice scene of seals on the back (why seals? Why not?), wrote on her address, a return address and a shiny first class stamp and popped it in the post.

    It’s been four days now and still no response.. the more I think about it, sending a hand drawn seal scene to someone you hardly know might be a little weird.. perhaps stalkerish? It was a party, there was drinking. Does she remember I have her address? How will she think I got it? What if she thinks I found it from somewhere else? Is finding home addresses of strangers stalkerish? Yes.

    So, if my fears are founded, and I have been deemed a weird stalker by sending a postcard, is sending another really the best option? Fixing a mistake by doing the exact same thing again, has been proven (I’m thinking the Brand/Ross vs Andrew Sachs thing) to be a bad idea!

    No, the only option is a completely different gesture. Sending window blinds to her home address instead.

    4.  Drawing Another Picture Would Make Things Worse Still. Before I completely ruled out writing to her again, I did consider creating a second drawing. This drawing would be entitled ‘proof I’m not a stalker’ and feature a sketch of the bushes I saw outside her house on Google street view – it would be clear I’m not hiding in them. The picture would also feature a dustbin being raided for food by foxes – and therefore confirm it was not being raided by me looking for whatever it is stalkers steal from bins. Finally, it would include a sketch of the shelf in my bedroom – which currently has books on it and not a creepy shrine dedicated to her. So that’s what I was going to draw.

    However, I do all my drawings from life, and I feel the amount of time I’d have to secretly sit outside her house to capture the bins and bushes really might not help my case. So really we’re back to the window blinds.

    5.  It’s A Good Value Gift With 50% Off Selected Blinds. The window blind shop I’m looking at currently has 50% off most products. I know I shouldn’t be cheap about saving my own reputation, but there’s no harm in looking for good value.

    6.  Christmas Is A Magical Time Of Year. By making the blinds a Christmas gift the recipient will get them at the most magical time of year. It’s surely much harder to be mad at someone and worry that they might be a stalker when you’re filled with Christmas cheer. Plus, Christmas is a time when you have lots of guests. So what better time to spruce up your living room with some new blinds?! She’ll only be able to think good things about me after this Christmas gift.

    7.  A Personal Gift Will Say I’m Thoughtful Not Creepy. Blinds are a really personal gift, which takes a lot of effort to give. Think about it, I’m going to have to break into her house to measure the windows to make sure the blinds fit. Then I’m going to have to go through all of her stuff to get familiar with her tastes and make sure I choose blinds she’ll really like. Roller blinds or Venetian blinds? I’m going to have to track down the homes of all her friends and family to make sure none of them have blinds that look too similar. It’s really going to be a lot of hard work to make sure the gift is perfect. How could she possibly be mad or scared by me once she knows how much work I’ve gone to in order to get her this perfect and special Christmas gift? I mean, if someone broke into my house, rummaged through all my things, started snooping around the homes of all my friends and family, I know that I’d feel… uh… oh wait… maybe not then.