7 Reasons

Tag: Jonathan Lee

  • It’s Competition Time!

    It’s Competition Time!

    We realised something recently:  We’ve never had a competition before.  Ever (or at least as far as we can remember).  It was quite a momentous moment in the 7 Reasons offices when this occurred to us; Jon almost missed his mouth with a biscuit and Marc looked up from his book about the war and blinked, before returning to it.

    Now, bearing in mind that the last time the 7 Reasons team funds were audited they stood at half a dead spider, a creased Post-it® note, the crumbs from several ginger nut biscuits, twelve business cards, a mug with a broken handle and a lemon, we weren’t expecting to have too much money to spend on a competition, but we had another check anyway and the good news is that we still have the lemon.

    “We can’t offer people a lemon”, said Marc, without looking up from his book, “You never know when we might need it.  In World War II, they used to use them to sanitise cups and utensils.  They also found them indispensable for…”

    Jon knew when not to interrupt Marc.  And now wasn’t that time, “OKAY!” he blurted, with such a ferocity that he surprised himself, “We won’t give the bloody lemon away!  Just in case Hitler comes back from beyond the grave, as mad as hell, and with some sort of new vendetta against humourists, the number seven and cutlery!  Because that sounds entirely plausible!  We’d also better hang on to any powdered egg that we might chance upon too, and our nylons!”

    “Okay”, said Marc dreamily from behind his book, entirely satisfied that mentioning the war had got him out of devising a competition.

    “So the prize has got to be something cheap, or even better, free”, said Jon, failing to recognise that Marc had already decided that the task was now solely in his hands.

    What the hell’s going on?  He’s still talking to me.  Usually he’s taken the hint by now.  Right, I’m going to have to refer to the war again, thought Marc.  “The Free French?” suggested Marc, “In World War II they…”

    “Yes!  That’s it!” exclaimed Jon.

    “What!?”

    “That’s perfect.”

    He didn’t know what was perfect, and frankly, he didn’t care.  Mumbling, “Very good then.  Do carry on,” Marc turned a page and settled further back into his side of the sofa, while Jon set to work putting together his brilliantly conceived and very cheap to run competition.  And here it is.

    The 7 Reasons Competition


    My Lords, Ladies, gentlemen, and readers of 7 Reasons (including Kindlers).  The 7 Reasons team – in conjunction with the internet – wish to announce a competition.  We’re both proud and delighted to offer you, our loyal readership, a big prize, possibly the biggest prize that’s ever been given away in a competition.  We’re offering one lucky reader the opportunity to win France!  That’s right, France!

    Win France!

    We’ve thought about it and it seems to us that, since they divested themselves of their monarchy in the eighteenth century, no one has actually owned France.  And it’s just there, across the sea, waiting for our lucky winner to claim it.  All of this can be yours.

    a black and white baguette
    Food.

    More Food.

    The Eiffel Tower.

    To win France, simply complete the following sentence in a hundred words or less:

    I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because…

    Send your entries to [email protected] with “I Want France” in the subject box.  The competition closes on 26-02-2011.  The winner will be chosen by the 7 Reasons team (assuming they’re not reading about the war or eating biscuits) and will be announced next Sunday.  We’ll also be putting the best entries on the website, with a free link to your twitter account/website/anything you’re looking to plug.

    We’re really looking forward to reading your entries and would like to wish all of our entrants bon chance.  And good luck.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Child Should Not Be in Martial Arts Classes

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Child Should Not Be in Martial Arts Classes

    Given that we have been working in such close proximity for over a year now, it’s amazing that we have never jumped off the 7 Reasons sofa and started scrapping with each other. Today, we had hoped to change that. Instead of the usual three-piece suit, we both came to work in white dressing gowns. It was time to karate chop each other. Unfortunately, martial arts teacher, Deborah Dera, took one look at us and said we were just too childlike to kick each other to pieces. So we took our dressing gowns off and went to have a sulk. In the meantime, we have left Deborah in charge of the sofa. And she has something to tell us.

    Children Martial Arts
    The boy had nothing on Kung Fu Panda

    I know that it is important for parents to find time for themselves. I know that it is important for children to remain active. What I don’t know is why some parents insist that their children are ready for activities that are either a) beyond their physical abilities or b) beyond their levels of comprehension.

    That said, I’m constantly surprised (and sometimes amused) when parents bring their children in to our martial arts school and insist they sign up for classes. One look at your child tells me he’s not into it. Here are some of the things we see that you may not be hip to.

    1.  He’s Not Old Enough. A good martial arts instructor will not sign up children under a certain age. We do not accept children under the age of four in our school. Even at age four, we insist on a free trial class (no exceptions) so that WE can determine if your child is ready. Even still, we once had a mom lie and tell us that her child was four. He just barely made it through the trial class, so we thought maybe he’d be able to stick with the class. As time went on, it became painfully obvious he was not prepared to be in a social situation, let alone in a martial arts class. While his mother insisted he was four, she put his real birth date on the registration form. He was a very young three and a half.

    2.  He’s Crying. If you are pulling your child through the door while he cries and says he does not want to go in, your child may not be ready to be in a martial arts class. Ok, we get it. Some kids are shy. Those kids will stop crying after a day, maybe two or three – we had one kid who cried for two full weeks before he became the most popular kid in the class. Dragging your child through the door and insisting he cry through the class because you want him there makes no one happy – including us.

    3.  He Has No Concept Of Hygiene. We’re totally cool with kids needing to go to the bathroom during class. We also know that young children aren’t likely to wash their hands after going to the bathroom (thank goodness for hand sanitizer). What we don’t understand is why they look at us like we have three heads when we ask them to please, pretty please, cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough. I should not have to wipe fluids from my my arm, or face, or floor, after your child sneezes.

    4.  He Saw The Karate Kid Movies. I have bad news. The movies were cute (even the newest one) but we simply don’t teach the stuff your kid saw in the movies. Even worse? There will be no dramatic fight scenes on the walk home after class. That’s bound to get boring, right?

    5.  He Can’t Pay Attention. There is a difference between can’t and won’t. Kids who have problems won’t. Kids who simply aren’t developed enough on a mental or emotional level can’t. We don’t expect perfection but we shouldn’t have to spend an entire class finding ways to pull your kid back out of la-la land. Wait a few months and try again.

    6.  He Saw Kung Fu Panda. Seriously. A parent actually told me that his child wanted to take martial arts lessons because he saw Kung Fu Panda. This is worse than Karate Kid because – if you haven’t notice – it’s a cartoon. Combine this reason with the first one on the list (a three and a half year old still in diapers) and you’re in for a real treat.

    7.  You Have Unrealistic Goals. Please, please do not enroll your child in martial arts classes if you are not willing to give them time. Martial arts classes do help with discipline and self control, but it usually takes more than a week of classes to get the job done. The child with a history of hitting did not hit you the day after his first class because he learned how to do it in karate – he did it because he already has a history of lashing out physically. Get it?

    Want to know the truth? I love ever little runny-nosed, screaming, crying kid who comes through the doors every week to check out our classes. They all bring something unique to the table. I just wish I didn’t have to turn so many away.

    Deborah is a full time writer, martial artist, massage therapist, and student of life. She quit her job working with car insurance after 10 years so that she could focus on her passions – including sharing her love of the martial arts with both children and adults.

  • 7 Reasons You Need To Improve Your Scamming Technique

    7 Reasons You Need To Improve Your Scamming Technique

    Scam Alert!

    I never once felt sorry for Bernadette. I probably should have done. After all, her Dad had just died in a plane crash leaving Bernadette to live with her evil mother. A mother she then ran away from and found safety in a run down orphanage. An orphanage without running water, electricity and warm bedding. In fact the only thing that kept the likes of Bernadette going was the super-fast BT Broadband connection. The truth is though, I didn’t care about any of this. I was much more interested in the money. Bernadette was offering me a lot of it. Millions of pounds worth. That was a lot of tea bags. Which is why I gave her my bank details. That was two years ago. He’s still borrowing my money now. That’s right, ‘he’. Bernadette turned out to be a bloke called Alfonso. I am now partly responsible for Nigeria’s heroin addiction and at least thirty-five murders. The only way I can get out of this mess is by winning the lottery. That way I can pay Alfonso the £1 Million he is now demanding and I get to keep my fingers. No wonder I got very excited the other day when this email arrived in the 7Reasons inbox:

    Your Email ID won!
    EuroMillion Lottery Intl. Program
    FOREIGN SERVICE SECTION BARCELONA.
    REFERENCE NUMBER: SOXW/HAWIR
    BATCH NUMBER: 2011/149 /BMQ

    OFFICIAL WINNING NOTIFICATION.

    We are pleased to inform you of the released results of the EuroMillions Corporations Sweepstakes Promotion in conjunction with foundations for the promotion of software products organized for Software users.

    This Program was held on 16th February , 2011, in Barcelona- Spain. Wherein your email address emerged as one of the online Winning emails in the 1st category and therefore attracted a cash award of EUR1,500,000.00 (One Million Five Hundred Thousand  Euros) and an Apple  laptop. Your laptop, certificate of winnings and your cheque of (EUR1 500,000.00 Euros) will be sent to your contact address in your location.

    Please take note, lucky winners will pay for their courier services delivery. EuroMillions corporations only provides lucky winners with a laptop and the sum of (EUR1 500,000.00 Euros) only. To file for claims of the release of your winnings, Contact the Customer Service Officer with the information below:

    1.FULL NAMES:
    2.ADDRESS:
    3.SEX:
    4.AGE:
    5.MARITAL STATUS:
    6.OCCUPATION:
    7.TELEPHONE NUMBER:
    8.COUNTRY
    9)BATCH NUMBER
    10) REFERENCE NUMBER

    Email: [email protected]
    Tel: +34 634 105 921
    Contact Person: Manuel Borreria [CSO]

    This Email Lottery is sponsored by Software development firms a Software Engineering Resource Consortium Companies. This internet E-mail draw is held periodically and is organized to encourage the use of the Internet products and promote computer literacy worldwide.

    Congratulations!!

    Sincerely,
    Mrs. Eva Lopez
    Online Coordinator

    For thirty seconds I got very excited and flexed my fingers in delight. But then I read it again and I realised a few things. This email was a scam! A scam! And it was so easy to spot. Here’s why the scammers drastically  need to improve their technique:

    1.  The Prize. I have won €1,500,000 and an Apple laptop. Obviously Mrs Eva Lopez is trying to stand out from the crowd here. She is trying to differentiate herself from her rivals by offering an incentive to claim the €1,500,000. In an already saturated market place it is a nice idea, but she lets herself down on the terminology. There is no such thing as an Apple laptop. It’s called a MacBook or a MacBook Pro. An understandable, but ultimately telling mistake.

    2.  The Address. Barcelona. That is far too nice a place to have your winnings sent from. Look at the base of any cereal packet and I guarantee you that the address you have to write to claim your prize is an industrial estate in Uckfield, East Sussex. That’s the way these things work. The scammers have failed by trying to be too exotic.

    3.  The Reference Number. SOXW/HAWIR. I’m not falling for that. This has quite clearly been copied from Mrs Eva Lopez’s to-do list, ‘Sort Out Xanthium Watering/Help A Witch In Rio’. It’s nothing short of laziness.

    4.  Courier Services. That’s right, I – the winner may I remind you – has to pay to get the money from somewhere in Barcelona to my lounge. This would never happen in the Lotto. If you win the Lotto Myleene Klass knocks on your door with a massive novelty sized cheque, a bottle of cheap fizz and a camera crew. It might be tacky, but it’s genuine.

    5.  Personal. The details they request are really rather prying. Take the third request for example, ‘sex’. What do I put here? ‘If I’ve been a good boy I earn the right to have a discussion about the possibility at a later date’? This is private information that should not be shared with anyone else. And quite frankly I don’t think my sexual prowess should stand in the way of €1,500,000. It never has before so why should Lopez think differently?

    6.  The Aim. As you will note from the bottom of this email, the mission behind the E-Mail Lottery is to promote computer literacy. While this is to be applauded surely Lopez would be better off sending the email to someone who doesn’t really know about computers and thus more susceptible to falling victim to scam emails. That way they may actually try and claim their winnings. Obvious really.

    7.  Repetition. I had the same email last November. Only a scammer would think that because they caught me out once they can do it again. Idiots.

  • 7 Reasons That Anatidaephobia Must be Awful

    7 Reasons That Anatidaephobia Must be Awful

    Anatidaephobia is the fear that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, a duck is watching you.  While some people might see this debilitating condition as funny, we do not.  We realise that it must be bloody awful, here are seven reasons why.

    a road sign bearing the words "please no ducks"


    1.  It’s Not Taken Seriously.  People are often crass, insensitive and immature.  While they would shy away from mocking the sufferers of other phobias they think nothing of making fun of anatidaephobes, solely for their own puerile entertainment and amusement.  Well at 7 Reasons, we’re bigger and cleverer than that.  We know what not to show an anatidaephobe.

    Not for anatidaephobes
    This is what not to show an anatidaephobe.

    2.  At Home.  Anatidaephobes must find it terribly difficult to cope at home.  After all, they’ll believe that when they’re there a duck is watching them.  And how is anyone supposed to relax with a duck watching them?  And how are they supposed to tell if a duck is watching them or not when they’re suffering from snow-blindness?  Or soft-furnishing-induced vomiting.

    3.  Escape.  So they’ve got a duck staring at them at home.  What to do?  What to do?  Get away from it all, that’s what.  Get away from the daily grind, the endless plates and pitchers, the white stuff all over the place, the searing pain in their eyes, the duck that may or may not be there staring at them and head off on holiday.  To somewhere far, far away from the many, many cups and saucers and the sinister duck.

    a scary duck staring into a plane

    4.  Having A Lovely Time, Wish You Were…Oh…You Are.  Well, apparently to anatidaephobes, flying isn’t a barrel of laughs either.  But a journey in an aircraft is a temporary annoyance – unless it plummets from the sky in a fiery ball and hurtles at several hundred miles an hour into a mountain, in which case it’s a more permanent irritation – and, having escaped the duck at the aeroplane window, the travelling anatidaephobe can finally emerge from the aircraft all set to begin their relaxing holiday in Osaka.

    5.  Look On The Bright Side.  Well okay,  Osaka may not be as relaxing at they’d hoped.  But sufferers of anatidaephobia can console themselves with the thought that the big yellow duck isn’t real, and it’s not like ducks hang around in large gangs.  That would be terrifying.

    Just lots and lots of ducks.
    Yes. This would be terrifying.

    6.  It’s Still Not Being Taken Seriously.  Well it seems we’ve been rumbled.  There does appear to be a series of images in this post that would be terrifying to anyone with a fear of ducks and, if you’re an anatidaephobe that’s made it this far down the page, we apologise for our silliness and can reassure you that there are absolutely no more photos of ducks in this post.  It’s all just text from now on.

           ..---..
     .'  _    `.
 __..'  (o)    :
`..__          ;
     `.       /
       ;      `..---...___
     .'                   `~-. .-')
    .                         ' _.'
   :                           :
   \                           '
    +                         J
     `._                   _.'
        `~--....___...---~'

    7. Comparison. Okay, that was a cheap shot (which is great as there’s a global recession) and, you might reasonably ask, would we make fun of people who suffer from other debilitating ailments; people that are scared of the dark, for example, or the morbidly obese?  And the answer is no, we probably wouldn’t.  A series of pictures of the dark would be very dull indeed, and a post full of pictures of fat would be totally disgusting and would put everyone off their sandwiches.  The good news, however, is that unlike the fear of the dark – or fat people – anatidaephobia isn’t real.  It was made up by Gary Larson – he of  The Far Side fame – so we can all relax now.  Unless you’ve ever claimed to be an anatidaephobe or have been reading this piece through the gaps between your fingers, in which case you’re a simpering nitwit and we can heartily recommend this fine web page.

  • 7 Reasons To Buy A Military Icon

    7 Reasons To Buy A Military Icon

    Rather disappointingly, Valentine’s Day 2011 went without hitch. I say disappointingly because no doubt you were expecting a tale of pure muppetry featuring me, a lasagna and a cactus. Sadly, such a disaster did not occur. Instead we are going to take a look at some of the UK government’s cuts. You may have seen on the news that a number of military vehicles and paraphernalia are now up for sale. And guess what? You could own them! Here are seven reasons to buy a piece of military history.

    Buy A Chieftain Tank!

    1.  Chieftain Tank. Fed up with junk mail and Jehovah Witnesses? The Chieftain Tank comes with it’s own 12.7mm ranging gun meaning those front door stalkers won’t ever get within 2,600 yards again. Yours from only £15000.

    2.  Ejector Seat. At £1000, this is the perfect addition to anyone’s lounge. Especially if you don’t want to watch American Idol, but do want a skylight.

    3.  Ferret Scout Car. A fairly niche market we admit, but for all you boy scouts out there this is the ideal ferret chasing device. Prices start from £5000.

    4.  Tornado Nose Cone. For just £500 you could play absolute havoc with the local roadworks. Or you could have a very big ice-cream. The choice is yours!

    5.  Harrier Jump Jet. The ultimate dinner-party antidote can now be yours with this little beauty. Impress your contemporaries with tales of heroism. Like the time you moved the jet from your garage into the back garden and only just missed the rhododendrons. From £19,999 (exc engines and weapons).

    6.  FV432 Armoured Personnel Carrier. Are you fat, ginger, bespectacled and spotty? If so, this is for you! Don’t let the bullies get to you, hide in your own armored personnel carrier! With room for ten of your friends (yes, we know, what friends? Haha) this is the most accomplished hideout vehicle on the market and yours from only £3000.

    7.  Warrant Officer. Want your own bodyguard? Recently sacked by email, these men have a lot of anger in them and are the ideal accompaniment to any war-torn location. Only thirty-eight left. Please note, these men have put their lives on the line and are currently priceless.

  • 7 Reasons You Should Never Buy a Half Bottle of Champagne (on Valentine’s Day)

    7 Reasons You Should Never Buy a Half Bottle of Champagne (on Valentine’s Day)

    It’s Valentine’s Day here at 7 Reasons and, as you might reasonably expect, everywhere else too (we don’t have a special one just for ourselves, you know).  Anyway, we’ve decided to do something different today.  Usually we’d bring you seven reasons for something: Reasons full of speculation and conjecture; hypothesis; whimsy and made-up statistics.  Today, however, is different: We’re not going to do any of those things.  Because in another lifetime, one of the 7 Reasons team spent several years running wine shops (yes, you didn’t think either of us had any sort of practical use, but you were wrong). As a result of this, today’s 7 Reasons post comes from experience.  Make the most of it, it won’t happen often.  This piece is mostly aimed at men who, while in the minority of wine-buyers for the majority of the year are – by far – the majority of champagne-buyers in the run-up to (and at the last minute) on Valentine’s Day.  Anyway, from experience, here are seven reasons that you should never buy a half bottle of champagne for Valentine’s Day.

    No half bottles of champagne

    1.  You’re Missing The Point.  Allow me to explain the point of buying champagne.  It is a luxury item; an extravagance; a frippery; an opulent treat to be blissfully enjoyed in intemperate immoderation.  You cannot have half an extravagance.  You can’t have partial gratification.  It is not possible to temper excess.  If you buy half a bottle of champagne to share with your beloved on the universal day of romance and indulgence you will – should it turn out that you’ve parked it in front of someone’s driveway – be able to move your car; you’ll be able to put up shelving safely; you’ll be able to do the crossword with a clear head.  Trust me, those things are not the point of Valentine’s Day.

    2.  Consider The Message You’re Sending.  What kind of message are you giving to your loved one with a half bottle?  That your gesture is half-hearted and half-arsed, that’s what message you’re sending.  This is a token gesture.  The spark’s gone out of our relationship.  I don’t really want to spend a romantic evening with you.  Here’s a bit of lip-service (which will, ironically, ensure that no lip-service will occur).  I have no feeling for you whatsoever.  I have no romance in my soul.  I’m an insensitive bell-end and you’re wasting your time with me. You’re not saying just one of those things with half a bottle of champagne, you’re saying all of them.  It’s sending a worse Valentine’s message than turning up with flowers that you’ve pilfered from a graveyard.  In fact, it’s worse than turning up with a wreath that you’ve pilfered from a graveyard.

    3.  The Customer Is Always Right.  This is not true.  As we know, there are many people who can’t walk in a straight line, drive a car without endangering others or operate a telephone without calling the wrong person.  This wrongness also manifests itself when purchasing things.  Stupid people, when placed in a retail environment, do not suddenly experience some sort of revelatory experience in which the fog of stupidity is lifted from their feeble brains, leaving them with a hitherto unfamiliar sensation of lucidity and exactitude: They remain stupid.  So, should you ask, in a wine shop, in the run up to Valentine’s Day, for half a bottle of champagne, you will be treated with utter contempt.  Should you choose – once the aghast member of staff has explained reasons one and two to you, possibly in a voice an octave or two higher than their normal register – to persist with your foolish purchase of a half bottle of champagne, you will be forever thought of as the idiot.  They will remember you; they will point at you whenever you come into the store; they will whisper about you to their colleagues before they both erupt into laughter.  This reaction is not a temporary thing, it will last for eternity, and possibly beyond.  Helpfully, they will also put your tiny bottle of champagne into the largest gift bag they can find and that won’t help you at all because…

    4.  Symbolism.  There’s a lot of symbolism around champagne.  Let us consider the use of champagne in film and television for a moment.  The most obvious example is the popping of a cork and the subsequent cascade of abruptly released champagne as a metaphor for the male orgasm.  In this metaphor, the bottle of champagne represents the male appendage.  So – even though it might not be a conscious reaction – if you turn up with half a bottle of champagne on Valentine’s Day, your lady will be doubly disappointed.  Not only will you have arrived with barely enough champagne to get the cat in the mood, you’ll have arrived with a small todger too.

    5.  Variety.  Although all champagne is grown in a small geographical location, and is composed of any, or all, of a mere three grape varieties, there is a panoply of scents and flavours across vintages and producers.  The variety is absolutely fascinating.  So buying champagne is your chance to turn up with something interesting, to wow your beloved.  And it doesn’t have to be expensive.  This is your moment to turn up with a bottle of Taittinger Brut Reserve NV and tell your other half that, like her, it has a beautiful nose, is perfectly balanced, refreshingly complex and has a glorious aftertaste.  Or you can turn up with any other nice bottle of fizz that takes your fancy; there are loads of them.  If you buy a half bottle though, your choice will usually be limited to the house champagne or the ubiquitous Moet & Chandon.  So, you’re either saying “Darling, I brought you half a bottle of Moet because I don’t care, I have a tiny cock, and you’re just the same as all the other girls” or “Darling, I brought you half a bottle of the house champagne because I don’t care, I have a tiny cock and you have lower standards than all the other girls”.  That won’t go well.

    6.  Cost.  Buying half a bottle of champagne is cheaper than buying a full bottle of champagne and, in the current economic climate, it might seem like a reasonable economy.  It is not.  Not only is the cost of a half bottle far greater than half the cost of a bottle, there are other costs that accompany the purchase of one.  These costs are the usual ones associated with apology for acts of crass stupidity and thoughtlessness; flowers, chocolates and the like.  And while we’re on the subject of peace offerings for women, lingerie is never a suitable apology gift.  Never.

    7.  Volume.  There is one thing to be said about the half bottle of champagne.  It’s an ideal size for one person.  This is useful as, if you take your significant other half a bottle of champagne, there is a high chance you’ll end up drinking it alone.  Perhaps for many years to come.

    The 7 Reasons team would like to wish all their readers lots of love and happiness this Valentine’s Day.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: How You Found Us Part 3

    Russian Roulette Sunday: How You Found Us Part 3

    In this non-too regular, but popular, feature we take a look at some of the phrases that have led people to our site. Sometimes the phrases are pleasing, most of the time they are worrying, occasionally they’re disturbing. Above all though, they are entertaining. And, more importantly, they serve as a reminder that we are actually normal.

    1. Phrases you used to find us that we found flattering:

    Men

    2. Phrases you used to find us that we found less flattering:

    Physical embodiment of evil

    Strange men at bus stops

    Ginger moustache

    How do I tell him I want to split up?

    Weird looking penis head

    3. Phrases you used to find us that we’re sorry we couldn’t help with:

    Three reasons Herbert Hoover was bad

    Reasons to have a bad week

    Dating is like musical chairs

    In how many schools in the world do they do detention?

    Three reasons you should get a kiss

    Different lampshades

    How do you tell if you’re going to have a hairy body?

    How do I iron a shirt?

    4. Phrases you used to find us that we don’t know anything about and nor do we want to:

    Hairy chested sex

    Boyfriend left me feeling really horny

    Nachos in bed

    Did Margaret Thatcher like minors?

    5. Phrases you used to find us that are just plain wrong:

    Hitler

    Is is wrong to kiss a stranger’s cleavage?

    Cross-eye sex

    Women who look like horses

    Why won’t my parents let me sleep with a pig?

    Six Reasons

    6. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for and that we can’t help with:

    Dragons with split tongues that are alive

    Reflexão sobre a vida

    Three reasons why recycling is bad

    Reasons to jump long

    Muscle makes a face

    7. Phrases you used to find us that there is no earthly explanation for but that we were able to help with:

    Richard O’Hagan Facebook – He is.

    Jonathan Lee Jehovah Witness – I’m not.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Japan Is Awesome

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Japan Is Awesome

    We’ve published posts telling us the USA is great, we’ve ignore posts telling us France is great and we already know Great Britain is great, so what’s missing? Ah, yes. Japan. Home of the most annoying game ever invented. I never owned a tamagotchi, but it felt like I had a vested interest in the company given the amount I knew about them at school. Girls you see. They liked to talk about them. And I didn’t have the heart to walk off. Thankfully, Japan have done some good stuff too. As Maria Rainier now explains.

    Maria Rainier
    Maria Rainier 

    Everyone knows Japan is crazy. The reasons why Japanese people are crazy is exactly why they’re awesome. Crazy awesome. I mean, who else has come up with female androids, steakhouses with Mexican cooks, Karate Kid, and Jackie Chan, right?

    1.  Cute. They are the only people on earth who can regularly make poop look cute. Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo does not qualify, Mr. Parker, Mr. Stone. He leaves unsanitary racing stripes wherever he goes and makes a terribly ugly cell phone accessory. Rhinestones look so much more kawaii on unko.

    2.  Humour. Their game shows are not only extravagant wastes of money that could probably fund a super smart cancer research team if only their scientists weren’t too busy riding elephant-sized bouncy balls and falling into mud pits, but more importantly, none of the humor is lost in translation. No matter who’s talking, there’s still a guy getting hit in the face with a giant foam log, and that’s funny.

    3.  Resolute. No one takes a punch like Japan, the only country that’s taken not one but two atomic bombs to the face and said, “Oh, so sorry. Would you like to send over a scientific team to study the damage and not help out the 250,000 women, babies, and old geezers who inexplicably survived your atrocity, and then try to justify it 60+ years later by saying we would have killed more of you had you not done it, even if your planned invasion wasn’t going to happen for two months?” Nah, it’s all good, ya’ll.

    4.  Sushi. They have convinced the West that eating raw fish eggs and octopus suckers is not only healthy and tasty, but sophisticated, especially if you know how to use a pair of chopsticks. They’re laughing their asses off right now, eating their steak and potatoes with a knife and fork.

    5.  They Will Rule The World One Day. While Naruto and animated school girl porn are distracting Westerners and turning them into malnourished, nerdy, basement-dwelling virgins, the Japanese are busy with their next invention: an invisible army of flying life-sized Gundam with nuclear capabilities. The Pokemon franchise was a total Japan takeover of the western world foiled by Trey Parker and Matt Stone in their groundbreaking investigative journalistic endeavor, “Chinpokomon.”

    6.  Vendor. They are the gods of vending machines: hot soup, hot coffee, and panties once worn by hot school girls for your pervy businessman pleasure.

    7.  Ninjas. And samurai. Mr. Miyagi. Ichi the Killer. Those guys.

    Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education and performs research surrounding online degrees. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

  • 7 Reasons That Love is Important

    7 Reasons That Love is Important

    It’s Valentine’s Day!!!  On Monday.  Apologies for any panic we may have caused there, but the 7 Reasons team have decided to jump the gun and celebrate St Valentine’s Day prematurely.  Because we’re lovesick.  Well, one of us is in love and that just makes the other one feel sick, but that’s near enough.  So, in honour of the patron saint of pink stuff everywhere, here are seven reasons that love is important.

    A pink heart

    1.  Make Love Not War. It’s a tired expression, but – short of a nuclear missile – love really is the one thing that can end conflict. For good. We are not interested in truces. Like a dirty weekend in a Travelodge outside of Leeds, it won’t last. Real love means complete acceptance of what others believe and how they choose to live. A marriage of acceptance if you like. Not that I’m suggesting we should accept or indeed make love to radical extremists. That would be extreme. And quite dangerous if their grenades are dangling above your head. If you do find yourself in this situation we suggest you wear a helmet. Just in case.

    2.  Passion. That’s what love is really. Whether it’s passion for your partner or passion for your team or passion for passion fruit, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that you feel something for something. Because it’s those feelings that keep us alive. Without emotion we’d be robots. And if you read yesterday’s post you’d realise that’s not a good thing.

    3.  Compromise. I guess I got lucky. The person I fell in love with also loves what I love. No, not myself. Sport. Which means we don’t have to do the, ‘You can watch Eastenders all week so long as I can watch the rugby all weekend,’ thing. Claire gets to watch Eastenders and the rugby and I get to do the ironing and watch the rugby. But we know we are in the minority. Other people really do have to compromise. And while it may mean missing England beat Wales, you do it because you’re in love. And I admire that. I admire it because I couldn’t do it. Which is why I told Claire before we even started dating that watching England play cricket or rugby comes before anything else in my life. A year later I still haven’t missed a game. And that just makes me love her even more.

    4.  Inspiration.  Throughout human history, love has acted as a spur, a stimulus, a motivational factor in many of mankind’s greatest accomplishments.  The life’s work of Thomas Aquinas; Shelley’s One Word is Too Often Profaned; Shah Jahan’s construction of the Taj Mahal, the historical examples of great works inspired by, and created out of love are almost boundless.  Essentially, if we didn’t have love, we’d still be slimy-fish creatures or animal-bothering Neanderthals living in caves or swamps or our own poo or something.  But thanks to love, most of us aren’t.

    5.  Tennis. I don’t think anything in the world explains love better than a tennis match. As I am sure you are aware, ‘love’ in tennis is the equivalent of zero. Zilch. Nothing. In other words, it is valueless. And that is what love outside of tennis is too. You can’t put a value on love. Unless you are in Amsterdam. Though between you and me I don’t think ten minutes* with a Dutch girl called Helga really counts. Love is the most valuable commodity in life and yet it is free. I have always thought that is a rather wonderful intricacy. We pay our taxes so that the NHS and the Police are there for us when we need them, but the people who are there for us when we don’t need them are free.

    6.  Popular Song.  If it weren’t for the eternally prevalent theme of love, pop music would be wholly different.  There’d be no Renée and Renato’s Save Your Love, there’d be no Yummy Yummy Yummy I Got Love in my Tummy by Ohio Express, and there’d be no When We Collide by Matt Cardle.  This might initially seem like a spectacularly good anti-love argument, but it’s quite the reverse, because when repugnant, saccharine dross like this is being played, you might just find that across a crowded room, someone else is also covering their ears with their hands and bellowing, “What is this shit!?”  And at that moment, your eyes may meet, and that’s when you’ll find true love.  And all because of love songs, which really do begat love.  However circuitously.

    7.  Emotional Intensity.  Love – and this is important in these straitened economic times – is free.  Your other half loves you because you’re you, not because of what you can give them.  Love – true love – transcends the baser human tendency toward being fiscally and materially acquisitive in favour of devotion to and acceptance of another person; no matter what their circumstances or their idiosyncrasies.  When you have found your true soul-mate you will have found unconditional acceptance.  Which is why my other half is going to love her Valentine’s Day card this year, no matter how much it cost.

    A Valentine budget card from Tesco
    She's gonna love this.

    *Okay, two and a half.**

    **This never happened.***

    ***Well, it probably did to someone exciting.