Tag: 7 reasons

7 Reasons Ian Dury’s ‘Reasons To Be Cheerful: Part 3’ Is Unreasonable: Part 2

In a late change to the 7 Reasons posting schedule, I am back again. Don’t worry though, apart from celebrating as you normally do when you realise it’s a Jonathan Lee day, you may carry on as normal. Now, tomorrow marks the ninth month anniversary of the 7 Reasons post, 7 Reasons Ian Dury’s ‘Reasons To Be Cheerful: Part 3’ Is Unreasonable: Part 1. To commemorate this occasion I thought I’d bring you part two. So, just to remind you, the last reason to be cheerful that we analysed was ‘jump back in the alley’. Right, on with the show.

8. 18-Wheeler Scammells. Lorries. Big ones. Now, I know you are supposed to get excited when you see an Eddie Stobart lorry, but that’s kind of a tradition. Along with having a fight with your brother and then being told off. Unless you are a lorry-spotter – and I am fairly confident that at least one of you is – I can’t imagine anyone breaking into a wide, toothy grin at the site of a lorry. Unless they’re an illegal looking for a way to get out of the UK anyway.

9. Dominecker Camels. General consensus has it that Dury wasn’t highlighting a type of black and white camel here, but instead referring to the cigarette brand, Camel. Not cool Ian, not cool. Smoking doesn’t make you cheerful even if the cigarettes are in the shape of a mammal. Smoking makes your clothes smell and your bank balance deteriorate far faster than the cool dudes sucking on straws and biros.

10. All Other Mammals. All other mammals? All of them? They can’t all make you cheerful. What about a lemming throwing itself off a cliff? That makes you happy does it? And what about the naked mole-rat? How can anything that looks like a nude Janet Street-Porter possibly make you happy?

11. Seeing Piccadilly. The only feeling I ever get when I see Piccadilly is one of frustration at the amount of people who think it is appropriate to stand in the middle of the pavement taking photos of massive electronic billboards shouting brand names at them. And then they take bloody ages to walk down the stairs to the Piccadilly Line platform too. I can only assume there weren’t as many idiots around in the seventies.

12. Fanny Smith And Willy. I didn’t know this, but apparently Fanny Smith is a professional skier from Switzerland and the logical conclusion would be that by Willy, Dury is referring to Willy Carson. I have to be honest and say that while Fanny is clearly lovely, there are far more attractive things to get cheerful about. Ian Bell batting for example. And as for Willy, the overriding opinion in the internet forums is that he is too small to cause any sort of penetrable excitement. So it looks like you are on your own here Ian.

13. Being Rather Silly. This is a simple one. You should either be very silly or not silly at all. Being rather silly is both pointless and tiresome. Either give it your all or not at all. As in the local pub, you only cause anger with half-measures.

14. Porridge Oats. I don’t like porridge. So the idea of being cheered by them is a totally alien concept. That’s probably a slightly unfair analysis though. So let’s do ourselves a cereal substitution. I like Shreddies. So let me go and pour a bowl to see if it cheers me up. (I am walking to the kitchen. I am opening the cupboard. I am picking up the cereal box. I am getting a bowl. I am pouring cereal into the bowl. I am looking at my bowl of cereal. I am walking back to the laptop). No. I feel exactly the same as I did before. Though maybe slightly frustrated that I now have to wash-up an extra bowl.

August 17, 2011
7 Reasons Being Left-Handed Is Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be

The two of you who read Friday’s post will know that Saturday was Left-Handers’ Day. To join in with the fun I decided that I would be an honorary left-hander for the day. How hard could it be? The problem was, by the time I had remembered I was supposed to be being left-handed for the day, I had already been right-handed for six hours. It didn’t really seem right to do a half-hearted job so I vowed to be a left-hander on Sunday instead. Only, I forgot. Again. So I wrote myself a note. On Monday I would be a left-hander. And I was. This is my story.

1. Tea. A disaster. From start to finish. Usually I am programmed to pour with my left hand and stir with my right. Having rewired myself – while the pouring was just as effective – the stirring was abysmal. I just couldn’t get into a rhythm. Tea was sloshing over the side. Across the work-surface. Onto the floor. And then there was the flicking off the tea-bag into the bin using the spoon. I missed the bin. I suspect you’re thinking it couldn’t get any worse? Sadly, it did. By the time I had finished we seldom had half a cup of tea between us. Shocker.

2. Writing Freehand Stylee. I made a few phone calls yesterday. That’s nothing new. I often like to leave answerphone messages for myself so I feel loved. Yesterday though I actually called some people who weren’t, never have and never will be me. I didn’t tell them though, it would have been bad for their morale. I used my left-hand to key in the number and hold the phone to my ear. This wasn’t a problem. During the course of the first call though it became abundantly obvious that I needed to make some notes. It’s at the point that I should have probably given up, used my right-hand and pretended this entire episode never occurred. But, dear reader, that would not be fair on you. If there is one thing we are on 7 Reasons, it is honest. So for your benefit I carried on in my pursuit of left-handed glory. I held the phone between my left-shoulder and left-ear and wrote with my left-hand. The result of all this is that I have a meeting on Thursday morning. Not that you would know unless you were hacking my phone at the time.

3. Application Of Cosmetics. On Sunday I got burnt by the vicious Kent 20 degrees sunshine. So come yesterday I was giving Sitting Bull a run for his money. As a result I needed to up the moisture levels of the affected areas using the various lotions and potions I could find lying around the house. Sadly for you I didn’t go for the tomato salsa. Instead I used Vaseline’s Essential Moisture Daily Body Lotion. It’s a tremendous product and I heartily recommend it. Applying it to my face with my left-hand was a doddle. I only wish I had recorded it for a ‘How To’ video on YouTube. Then came the difficult part. Tradition would have it that I apply moisture to my left arm using my right hand. I am sure you can work out what I had to do. The result was not only highly ineffective it also made me look as if I was doing The Funky Gibbon. Only it wasn’t funky and I didn’t have the Steve Wright intro or the future prospect of shrinking like Bill Oddie. Is it really possible to shrink about twenty inches while working with Kate Humble?

4. Mice. Having made half a cup of tea, written something even MI5 would struggle to decipher and performed an impromptu display of Swan Lake on acid, you would have thought not much more could go wrong. That’s when I tuned the computer on and realised I would have to bring the mouse to the other side of the keyboard. After an hour I was fairly proficient in keeping the cursor on the screen. Remembering which finger to click with though is something I never got used to. I was in and out of the recycle bin more times than a school-child watching Blue Peter. I also ended up watching Vanilla’s 1997 smash-hit No Way No Way. I’m still not entirely sure how.*

5. Lunch. Not difficult as such, just dangerous. Knives and Jonathan Lee don’t mix at the best of times. Throw in the fact that I was cutting left-handed while performing The Funky Gibbon in a sunburnt state to the rhythmic beats of Vanilla’s No Way No Way and it’s the kind of thing only a sick pervert would want to witness. As it happened he only stayed for the first half.

6. Photography. The more observant of you will note that every post on 7 Reasons is accompanied by a photo. Most of the time we just borrow one from Google Images, but on the odd occasion we carefully craft our own. Today’s photo – as I would hope you have guessed – is a first edition Lee. It seemed silly to write about my triumphs as a left-hander and then use someone else’s work to highlight it. Which is why I took the photo above. Never would I have thought using a camera would be an issue for a left-hander. But of course it is. I don’t know, maybe lefties actually use their right index finger and right thumb to press the various buttons and change settings? I guess it would make sense. Unfortunately for me though, 7 Reasons rarely makes sense. As such I used solely my left-hand to take the photo above. Twenty-three attempts it took me to finally take one that was both in focus and actually featured anything other than the floor.

7. Writing Keyboard Stylee. Having found six of my seven reasons in such quick time, I began to write this post yesterday afternoon. That brought with it its own problems. When you look at this post and compare it with Marc’s essays, you would wager that this post took far fewer hours to write. Oh how wrong could you be? Very actually. The whole point of being left-handed for the day was to use my left hand when on all other days of the year I use my right. As such my right hand went to the left-half of the keyboard and my left to the right. Three hours later this is the result.

*Honestly, I’m not. You have to believe me.

August 16, 2011
7 Reasons That Peter Allen Should Be On Twitter
Hello 7 Reasons readers! I hadn’t intended to write about Peter Allen or Twitter today. I had originally intended to write about Hitler and the British plot to add oestrogen to his meals but then, in a fleetingly overheard snatch of BBC Radio 5Live’s Drive programme, I heard Anita Anand exhorting broadcasting legend and curmudgeon’s curmudgeon, Peter Allen to open a Twitter account. Amazing idea, I thought, as all notions of one charismatic pint-sized despot receded from my mind, to be replaced by thoughts of Peter Allen using Twitter. That would be amazing. Here are seven reasons why.

1. The Username Potential Is Great. Anita Anand is presenting Drive all week alongside Peter Allen. Her Twitter-name is @tweeter_anita. Peter Allen could take the name @tweeter_peter. Could anything be sweeter than @tweeter_anita helping @tweeter_peter take his first tentative steps on Twitter? Well, yes, kittens and just about all other things in the known world, but the matching names sound like fun. They’d be the Howard and Hilda of the Twitterverse.

2. We’d Learn More About Him. What do we really know about Peter Allen’s life? Very little. I checked his Wikipedia entry and this is all of the information contained in the Personal Life section:

He follows Tottenham Hotspur, owns a barn and has a trademark grunt.

While every 5Live listener will be aware of the first and third things mentioned, that he owns a barn is a revelation that has piqued my interest and raises many, many questions:
- Why does Peter Allen own a barn?
- What colour is Peter Allen’s barn?
- What does Peter Allen keep in his barn?
- Where is Peter Allen’s barn?
- How long has Peter Allen owned a barn?
- Does Peter Allen allow other people into his barn or is it like a rural Essex-based version of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude where he goes to hone his opinions and polish his hair?
- Did Peter Allen wake up one morning and think, “You know, what I really need to complete my life is a barn”?
- Does Peter Allen actually live in the barn?
- Why can’t I stop thinking about Peter Allen’s barn?
I’ll try to contain my curiosity about Peter Allen’s barn for the moment. Essentially we’d get to know more about the man behind the microphone and the barn behind the man behind the microphone. That would be great.

3. He Would Bring Something Different To Twitter. According to people that spuriously concoct statistics on the internet* rather than researching things properly, the average age of a Twitter user is thirty-one. That isn’t high enough to make Twitter truly representative of society. Peter Allen is more than twice that age. He’d bring a rarely seen perspective of experience and the benefit of time-accrued wisdom to the social network. Twitter is – in my experience – also predominantly a happy and joyful medium. He’d soon sort that too.

4. He Would Be Better Informed. During Drive, he regularly solicits listener feedback via text and email. If he were on Twitter, he’d get feedback 24 hours a day, whether he’d asked for it or not. He’d get feedback about travel, he’d get feedback about news, he’d get feedback about sport, he’d get questions about the barn from me, he’d get tweets from his colleagues poking fun at him (which would stop Aasmah getting out of practice during her week off) and he’d get feedback about things that he didn’t even know he wanted feedback about. Peter Allen would be better informed than he’d ever been in his life. If you need an opinion on anything, it will find you on Twitter.

5. There Would Be Pictures. Radio is a non-visual medium, so the ability to post pictures on Twitter would probably be liberating for Peter Allen and enlightening for the rest of us. We’d get pictures of Essex, we’d get pictures of the studio, we’d get pictures of the most bountiful and luxuriant silver barnet in the known universe and – most importantly – we’d get pictures of the barn. Please.

6. He Would Be Good On Twitter. A lifetime spent in journalism and broadcasting is the ideal preparation for the successful use of Twitter. After all, the distillation of the essence of a news story down to a headline or the dogged pursuit of an insightful quote from a radio interviewee are pretty much the same skills that are involved in condensing a thought, experience or opinion down to 140 characters on Twitter. Peter Allen’s tweets are likely to be provocative, incisive and sharp. Or at the very least he’d be able to say “Go away!” with alacrity and authority when confronted with the ninth question of the day about the barn or the fifteenth about his hair. Probably by tweeting “Go away!”.

7. His Presence Would Provide Encouragement For Curmudgeons. Having such a high-profile, self-confessed Twitter-sceptic jump into the fray would be an interesting experience for the man himself, his listeners and Twitter users. What better way to introduce other sceptics, doubters, technophobes and the plain hostile to the medium than to hear someone with a similar mindset coming to terms with its use? He might even learn to love it or, at the very least, loathe it less; which possibly amounts to the same thing in his world. Peter Allen could blaze a trail for the timid, the wary and the sceptical to become late-adopters of Twitter and would probably entertain his listeners royally into the bargain. I’ve loved listening to him since Radio 5 (as was) started and I can’t help thinking I’d enjoy his presence on Twitter every bit as much. Anita Anand is right. #letsgetpeterallenontwitter as soon as possible. Then we can teach him what that hashtag means.

*Source: 7Reasons.org, 2011.
August 15, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit India

Today we welcome to the 7 Reasons sofa James Cave. A man who needs little introduction… if you know him. The chances are though that you probably don’t. So let me tell you about him. He’s a man. And he’s called James. Right, over to him.

A local gets in the way of the archery tournament at Thaipusam Festival

Book cheap flights to India, a land where anything goes. Here are seven weird reasons to inspire your visit:

1. Fortune Favours The Brave. The Thaipusam Festival takes place in temples across Tamil Nadu during the Tamil month of Thai (January/February) on the full moon. It involves devoted Hindus taking extraordinary measures – piercing body parts with alarmingly sharp objects and walking across burning coals in order to be cleansed of past misdeeds. Beating drums, bugles and chanting help to help create a frenzied atmosphere. It’s a hair raising spectacle but not for the faint hearted.

2. A Deadly Dining Experience. The New Lucky Restaurant, Ahmadabad, India. Death might be a part of life but now it’s a part of lunch. This eatery has gained notoriety not only for its cuisine but the 22 cement coffins dotted between the tables and chairs. The milky tea and butter buns are to die for!

3. Toilet Humour Required. We spend a lot of time on the toilet so why not take home some ideas for a new throne by paying a visit to The Sulabh International Toilet Museum in New Delhi. It’s a museum dedicated to the toilet where you can view a rare collection of toilets and other toilet paraphernalia dating from 2,500BC to present day.

4. Ghost Busting – India Style. The Indians are a superstitious lot. But who doesn’t love a good ghost story? To see thousands of real life ghouls cleansed and exorcised by witchdoctors, the ‘bhooton ka mela’ or ‘fair of the ghosts’ is held in the village of Malajpur in Madhya Pradesh in February. It’s an frantic, otherworldly event – the only one of its kind in India. Spooky.

5. Spice Up Your Travels. To prove that the Kama Sutra originated in India, the Khajuraho Monuments in Madya Pradesh makes for an eye opening experience. Explicit erotic art and sexual carvings abound here. What exactly were the creators thinking?

6. Rats Rule. Animal fanatic or a bit strange? Prove your love by paying a visit to this strange place of worship in Deshnoke, Rajastan. The Karni Mata Temple is where rats, yes rats, are worshipped as a tribute to the rat goddess, Karni Mata. Home to some 20,000 rats, they scuttle and scurry across marble floors while people eat, pray and pay their respects.

7. Loose Yourself In The Moment. Infamous trance parties take place on Anjuna beach, Goa between Christmas and New Year when the full moon shines. People watching is a must as such an event attracts the freakish, weird and the wonderful from all corners of the earth. Revellers loose themselves in big beats and psychedelia on this hypnotic night.

Convinced? Flights to India go from most of the world’s major airports. Just a few hours packed into a sardine can and you could be looking at historic porn, losing yourself in a trance party or letting loose at the International Toilet Museum in New Delhi.

August 13, 2011
7 Reasons To Hug A Left-Hander Tomorrow

As I am sure all left-handers’ the world over are aware, tomorrow is ‘International Left-Handers’ Day’. Awesome. In my opinion not enough body parts get the recognition they deserve. Personally I would like there to be an ‘International Third Nipple Day’. Just so I can see which of my friends I need to start avoiding more often. But that’s for another day. Today is all about left-handedness and why we should show love to those of that unfortunate disposition tomorrow.

"Cheer up Monty, you didn't mean to drop that bread roll"

1. Death. On average, right-handed people live nine years longer than lefties.* Nine years! That’s a lot. I am sure we all have friends who are left-handed so tomorrow I suggest we whip round to their place and give them the news. Then it would be nice to give them a hug. Just to, you know, show them that you should be in the will.

2. Evil. This isn’t an easy thing to say, but you need to be told the truth. Left-handed people are in league with the devil. They dabble in witchcraft and sit on the panel of Loose Women. I’m not making this up. I read in in The Telegraph. The thing is, it’s not their fault. They were just born like that. Which is why we have to hug them. Just to, you know, see if they have a tail protruding from their anus.

3. Stationery. If having a short life-expectancy and being an incarnation of the devil wasn’t enough, the left-handed among us have long suffered at the hands of the right-handed. Quite literally. Ever tried using a pair of scissors with your left-hand? Painful isn’t it? Give a lefty a hug. Just to, you know, prevent them from seeing you laugh your head off at their misfortune.

4. Bias. Have you ever noticed that when it comes to money matters, your left-handed friend’s seem far better off than you? This has nothing to do with skill or talent. It is because when it comes to finance everything is strongly weighted in their favour. One typical example is the National Lottery logo. It comprises a left hand. Not a more commonplace right-hand, but a left-hand. So, tomorrow, go and give your left-handed chums a hug. Just so, you know, you can swipe their wallet from their back pocket and check the evening’s lottery numbers.

5. Intelligence. Apparently, left-handers are able to use parts of the brain to more effect than us normal folk. As such they are far more intelligent. So it’s useful to have a left-hander as a friend. A real close friend. A friend you you would hug at the next opportunity. Just so, you know, you can look over their shoulder at the answers to the pub quiz.

6. Effort. Have you ever seen a left-hander write? They make one heck of a mess. As soon as they write something they smudge it with the rest of their clumsy hand. So not only do they have to start their literary works all over again, but they also have to go and wash their ink dyed palms. It takes time and money being a left-hander. Time to write letters over and over again and money on more paper, more ink and more soap. It’s a tough life. So give one a hug, Just to, you know, prevent then shaking your hand with their inky paws.

7. Thievery. Have you ever been sat in a restaurant, enjoying a lovely meal and even lovelier chat, only for the person sitting on your right to spoil the whole mood by stealing your wine or bread roll? You’re nodding your head. This doesn’t surprise us. You may not have known this at the time, but the thief on your right was left-handed. While it is natural to the rest of us to pick up bread rolls with our right hand, it is natural for left-handers to use their left. As such they end up fatter and more drunk than their right-handed counterparts. It’s not their fault though. It’s the way they are wired. So give them a hug. Just so, you know, they’ll find it much harder to steal the mint than accompanies your post-dinner coffee.

*Left-handers I mean, not left-wingers. I think Maggie Thatcher and Bruce Forsyth have proved that righties comfortably outlive lefties by approximately two-hundred years.

August 12, 2011
7 Reasons That Attacking A Train With A Bag Of Stones And Excrement Is A Bad Idea

It is said that everyone remembers where they were when they heard that JFK had been assassinated. Similarly, that everyone remembers where they were when Princess Diana died. I don’t know about that. One thing is for sure though, I will always remember where I was when I heard that a train had been attacked using a bag containing stones and excrement suspended from a wire. Here are seven reasons that it’s a bad idea.

1. It’s Unfriendly. I admit, sometimes we’ve had houseguests that have overstayed their welcome and I’ve wanted them to go and I’ve become fractious and my conversation has become terse and curt, and my wife has rebuked me for that by suggesting that I’m, “…not being very friendly”, but never, ever have I considered attacking a houseguest with a bag of stones and excrement. This would be the level of friendliness you could expect if your enemy’s enemy was Uday Hussein. On the Hitlerian scale of unfriendliness (which, having just thought of it, I’m going to begin work on right now), this will rate quite high.

2. It’s Mind-Boggling. What do you hope to accomplish by attacking a train with a bag of stones and excrement? If we consider it as an act of vandalism, I can understand the use of stones*. But excrement? Why would anyone do this? What is the point of this? It’s so mind-boggling that it defies both rational and irrational explanation (which is a shame, as that’s one of my “gifts”). My mind is officially boggled.

3. It Serves No Purpose. While, in major cities across the nation, there are people committing antisocial acts for personal gain and ending up owning iPhones and Tesco Value Basmati Rice, what happens in Yorkshire? A train is attacked with a bag of stones and excrement. But it’s hard to see the benefit of covering a train in poo. While Londoners are sitting back and watching their new, free HDTVs (or HD ready if they nicked the wrong one) what does the perpetrator of this act gain? The satisfaction of having got poo on a train? You could just visit the restaurant car for that sensation. There is no rational motive.

4. It Causes Temporary Homelessness. When I saw the headline Vandals attack train with bag of stones and excrement yesterday, I have to say that it caused me to laugh. Rather a lot. In fact, I laughed so long and so hard that I woke my wife from her afternoon nap and she banished my son and I from the house. It was raining so we had to go to the pub. This is not a complaint, by the way, it’s an observation.

5. Seriously, It’s More Mind-Boggling. PC Gary Shepherd of the British Transport Police said: “A lot of planning must have gone into this…”. He’s right. Where do you get a bag of excrement from? Is it something that the culprit found lying around? Did they have to shit into a bag for several weeks until they had enough? Did he** solicit the help of friends and family? Did he offer to buy the poo from strangers? Did he steal the poo from somewhere? Outside of a blaxploitation flick, where the hell do you get a bag of shit from?

6. Frustratingly, It Hints At Greatness. What begets greatness? Usually a fusion of innovation and endeavour. No one can deny that attacking a train with a bag of stones and excrement is innovative: Infinite monkey theorem suggests that, “a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare”, but could a monkey with a bag and some stones living near a railway line ever conceive of this act? I think not. It also shows dedication. Not only was the bag meticulously rigged, but the act of gathering (or producing and collecting) all that poo shows dedication, self-motivation and commitment to the cause. This person could probably produce work of greatness and real cultural and social worth. If they weren’t a vile and abhorrent weirdo that gets their jollies by spattering trains with a cocktail of turds, that is.

7. What If You Get Caught? It’s an oft-repeated maxim that “if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.” But what is the time in this case? It’s a life sentence, because anyone being convicted for attacking a train with a bag of stones and excrement would surely receive a massive amount of publicity. International publicity. Every last person in the world would know who this person was, and there’s only one nickname that would be bestowed on him. Shitbag. People will point in the street and shout “Shitbag”. People in the pub will greet him by saying, “Evening, Shitbag”. It will become so ingrained that his family will probably address him as Shitbag: “Can you pass the gravy, Shitbag?” “Don’t forget it’s the PTA meeting this evening, Shitbag.” “Oooh, look into my eyes and tell me I’m your little panda-bear again, Shitbag.” That’s a proper life sentence. Shitbag.

*I can’t really, it’s just a lot more conventional.

**It’s a he. While I’m a firm believer in equality, this is too weird for a woman to be involved in.

August 11, 2011
7 Reasons Joey Barton Is Modern Day Liverpudlian Confucius

We don’t usually give much time to footballers on 7 Reasons – unless we’re using our satirical skills to make they look silly – but today we are dedicating an entire post to Newcastle’s very own Joey Barton. Now, I’ve always thought Joey Barton was a bit of an idiot. And, indeed, a thug. But in recent times – via the medium of Twitter – he has started to change my mind. I now consider him a modern day Liverpudlian Confucius. Here’s why:

Hi Mum! Five Retweets Today Already!

1. Philosophy. There is no doubt about it, Joey Barton is a burgeoning philosopher. While it would be easy to point at his retweets of Nietzsche, Orwell and Morgan* one should not be so fast as to ignore his own work. Yesterday he tweeted, “If this was nipped in the bud in London, with plenty of beatings for these knobheads. It wouldn’t be happening elsewhere. #bringbackthebirch“. It’s important to understand that in the modern age, with a 140 character limit and millions of other people vying for attention, getting your message heard is difficult. But Joey Barton, through his Confucius-like choice of language, finds a way. If he had said, “Naughtiness should be followed by a smacked bottom”, I just don’t think he’d have got his message through.

2. Disciples. It’s unknown exactly how many disciples Confucius had, but it is believed to have been somewhere around the 100 mark. One hundred people believed in him enough to follow him and repeat his work to the world. Currently 280,000 people follow Joey Barton and at least 250 people are sharing (RT’ing) everything he says. That must make him about 5,000 times greater than Confucius. Incredible.

3. Well Read. My formally uneducated view of Joey Barton was that he would sit down of an evening and watch The Football Factory or Green Street or Sesame Street. How wrong could I be? Staggeringly is the answer. Joey Barton doesn’t watch Big Bird having his head kicked in by Elijah Wood. Oh no, instead he reads foreignpolicy.com. Seriously, this guy is the William Hague of the Premier League.

4. Arrest. Like Confucius, Joey Barton has also spent a bit of time at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. (I mean they’ve both been arrested and spent time in jail, not that they’ve both slept with the Queen. That would be weird). Joey Barton spent 77 days of his six month sentence behind bars. Confucius spent five days of his 12 day sentence behind bars. That means they were both released having only completed 42% of their respective sentences. The coincidence is too much.

5. English. Interestingly, both Confucius and Joey Barton had/have problems with the English language. Barton struggles with the concept of grammar and spells words such as dismantled, ‘dimantled’, while Confucius just doodled. This is his attempt at dismantled, 拆除. Pathetic really. One has to say, at least Jory tried.

6. Tea. Tea! Joey Barton likes tea! In fact, he says, “you cannot beat a cup of tea.” How right is that? This boy is a genius.

7. Riots. He’s talking a lot of sense. Joey Barton! Sense! So much so that he’s saying what I – and probably you – have been thinking. The media – by showing these rioters chucking bricks at Police and looting so easily – is not helping. In fact, it’s probably inspiring others to do the same. If they showed more coverage of these people being arrested then maybe, just maybe, that would act as a deterrent. Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Barton. The voice of a nation.

*Yes, Piers Morgan. Don’t look at me, it’s not my fault.

August 10, 2011
7 Reasons That It’s Not As Bad As You Think

Okay! This is a humour site and my country’s been on fire for the last couple of days, so there’s only really one thing that I can write about today, so let’s be funny about the riots. Except, no. That isn’t really going to work, is it? There are people out there losing their homes and livelihoods as a result of them and I’m sure we all have friends and family that are affected, so writing a lot of nonsense about how good the coverage of the riots will look on a brand new (and free) HD television, or how phoning 999 to report themselves will be so much easier now that everyone with a hooded top has an iPhone would seem trite and foolish. Fortunately, though, while events may have saddened me and affected my sense of humour, they haven’t affected my spirit, my love of humanity and my wonderment at peoples’ innate capacity for good and their astonishing ingenuity. Accordingly, here are seven reasons that it’s not as bad as you think.

1. Innovative Brilliance. “Necessity is the mother of invention” said Plato (in Greek, probably) and our brave and hard-working police force need tea. These lovely people have taken the time out to make them some. They’ve also devised the absolute best way to use a riot shield. Is there an image that captures Britain’s spirit better than this?

2. Collective Brilliance. The riots have demonstrated the country’s capacity for collective brilliance. Many, many people decided that they weren’t going to let their (our) streets be wrecked by the mindless idiocy of a few. The Twitter account @riotcleanup was set up and it now has almost 80,000 followers. That’s more people than have been involved in rioting and looting. People have got together in overwhelming numbers for the power of good. This picture by @lawcol888 is wonderfully uplifting.

3. Individual Brilliance. Oscar Levant said that there was “a fine line between genius and insanity” and, from that very line, this woman bravely berates rioters and looters. That there are people in this country courageous and brilliant enough to stand up to a mob so eloquently is wonderful.

4. Expectation-Altering-Brilliance. Stan Collymore (What? Wait, he’s gone mad. He’s been lauding examples of brilliance and now he’s writing about Stan Collymore!?), former Premier League footballer and someone that I have occasionally thought of as a bit of an idiot over the years tweeted this earlier:

Now, professional footballers (and former professional footballers) are often pilloried – sometimes rightly – for behaving poorly and setting a bad example to people and this was unexpected, but it was a cheering and most welcome thing to see, even if he did make me feel like a git.

5. Technological Brilliance. It’s been a while since Britain has seen rioting on this scale and there’ve been a lot of technological advances in the meantime, so it’s fair to say that any online response to it was going to be breaking new ground. The innovative use of social media as a response to events has been staggering. Almost as soon as disturbances began in Birmingham yesterday, the rather brilliant @caseyrain set up a Birmingham Riots Tumblr account to document events in the second city while the attention of the national media was focussed on London. There have been many, many other wonderful examples of innovative use of social media, with Facebook groups (,http://www.facebook.com/londoncleanup), Tumblr accounts (http://catchalooter.tumblr.com/) and websites (http://www.londonrioters.co.uk/identify/) used to promote various causes and to mobilise people into various types of action. That people have used the internet and social media so effectively to mobilize themselves into making our streets better and catching the looters is both marvellous and demonstrative of a laudable degree of collective will and creativity. Oh, and the looters are helping by using Facebook too.

6. Just Utter Brilliance. Don’t want the rioting and looting to ruin your evening? Simple. Just pretend it isn’t happening. “Riot, what riot? I say, could you pass the port, my good man?”

7. Historical Brilliance. The oft-cited high-water-mark of societal unity, sacrifice and collective accomplishment was the way that Britain dealt with the blitz during World War II. The blitz spirit is something that is often mentioned in articles that decry modern society to illustrate a decline in standards and unity, and many commentators on the current situation have spoken of the riots as being symptomatic of a breakdown in society. But rioting and looting are nothing new. During the blitz – that exalted time when our society is seen as having been at its strongest and most cohesive – with a war-depreciated police force and abundance of opportunity there was widespread looting and criminality too. The truth is that there has always been a sociopathic minority in our country ready to exploit any weakness (lack of police cover, evacuated streets etc) for their own personal gain, regardless of the consequences to others. That we don’t let the looting during the blitz affect the high regard in which we hold the selfless sacrifice of the majority during the second world war speaks volumes about us. History tells us that it’s possible to have a strong, dynamic and caring society despite having a minor element that riots and loots. And the way that the majority of Britain has reacted today to the events of the past few days suggests that little has changed. That is heartening.

August 9, 2011
7 Reasons Dangling From A Tightrope Is A Good Place To Be

If anyone knows what’s been put in the water in Hunan Province of late, please tell us. The other week we had two men getting naked and covering themselves in bees and this weekend we’ve had Saimaiti Aishan clinging on to a steel wire for dear life after he slipped while trying to walk across a tightrope – 100m above ground – with no safety net. Were it not for a performance of pure idiocy in North London this weekend, Hunan Province would surely be crowned the bonkers capitial of the world. Or would it? Let’s be honest, isn’t hanging onto a steel wire, 100m above ground, knowing that if you let go you’ll die, actually a rather wonderful position to be in?

1. Time. You’re not going to be going anywhere in a hurry – unless you let go – which means you have time on your hands. Time to think. Time to reflect. How’s your life going? Are you happy? Is your job so boring that you need to play chicken with death? Would this challenge have been more exciting if you had tried to cross the tightrope while carrying a chicken? In this world, where everything and everyone seems to move so fast, it’s good to find some time to yourself.

2. Fitness. This is probably the ultimate test of your strength and fitness. While out running it’s too easy just to stop and walk the final mile home. While on the exercise bike it’s too easy to listen to your quads and decide five miles is enough. While skipping it’s too easy to be embarrassed by the school children who seem to have so much more co-ordination than you. When faced with a 100m drop, however, you won’t let go. You will push your body to the absolute limit trying to save yourself. Only when you have done this will you find out that you are a far more capable human being than you previously thought.

3. Views. Assuming you don’t choose to dangle over Bradford, this is the best view of the world you are ever going to get. Unlike any other form of mid-air hovering, dangling allows you a 360 degree view. Try getting that in a plane.

4. Friends. If you ever wanted to find out who really cares about you, this is the stunt for you. You probably think you know who your best friends are, but this really will separate those who like you for who you are and those who think they might get a drink out of this if they help you. Generally speaking, if someone positions themselves underneath you, looking like they will try and catch you if you fall, they are your best friend. However, if someone is waving at you and taking photos for their Twitter followers, you may delete them from Facebook immediately. Which is why it’s always a good idea to take your iPhone with you.

5. Talent. If the last time you tried gymnastics (and cried when you got stuck atop a climbing frame) was at Tumble Tots, this is the perfect opportunity to see how your Beth Tweddle skills have evolved over the years. Okay, pretending it’s a pummel horse probably isn’t the smartest idea, but using it as one of the parallel bars is certainly achievable. Not only might you find yourself a star of YouTube, you could also earn yourself a year’s supply of Lycra.

6. Peace. No phone calls from Barclays trying to sell you a debt. No Jehovah Witnesses trying to sell you religion. No former youth detention centre attendees trying to sell you dusters. No charity workers trying to make you feel guilty. Just peace. And quiet. So much so that you might even fall asleep and never get interrupted again. Beautiful.

7. Back To Earth Without A Bump. I know it’s probably a bit early in the morning to try and baffle you with science, but this needs to be said. A tightrope is a rope. Which is brilliant because it means when you have had enough of hanging around you can scurry along to one and cut it. Or, if you don’t have a Swiss Army Knife with you, you can gnaw at it. Eventually it will snap and you’ll swing towards the ground.* You couldn’t do this if you were dangling from the underside of a plane or hanging from the balcony on the 88th floor of a building could you?

*Yes, I appreciate that if you reached the end of the rope you could just haul yourself to safer ground. Like a hot air balloon. Or a building. But what if one of them was on fire? Here at 7 Reasons we make sure we think of everything.

August 8, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Everyone Should Eat Marmite

In the last few weeks we have been inundated with phone calls, emails, faxes, carrier pigeons and one – entirely unrelated – message wrapped around a brick. ‘Where is he?’ they’ve been asking. ‘Is he coming back?’ ‘Is he as beautiful as his writing?’ All of this hyperbole meant that we couldn’t post on Tuesday.* (And Marc was at Knitting Club** which didn’t help either). So the only way we felt we could apologise for that faux-pas adequately was to give you what you want. Who you want. So yesterday Marc and I set off to get him. As it turned out we didn’t have to go far. He was waiting outside. In the rain. Unshaven and looking desperate. So we brought him in (me), dried him off (Marc) and knitted him a new jumper (Marc). And now we’re pleased to say he’s back in top form. And more importantly hers back on the sofa. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please raise your Marmite jars to the perrenialist of all our perennial guest writers, Mr Richard O’Hagan.

After Richard had been bathed and shaved by Marc, he was ready to write.

There’s no lead in to this one, no drop paragraph or anything like that. Eating Marmite is so obviously the correct thing to do:

1. Tipple. It is made from beer. Do I really need to say more than that? Marmite is the yeast that is left after beer is made (roughly speaking). Anything that is made from beer has to be good, right? In fact, do you really need another six reasons?

2. All Man. It got its makers accused of promoting homosexuality. Yes, really. Back in the early 2000s, they ran an ad campaign where a male lifeguard was seen giving the kiss of life to a male swimmer. In the week that it was first shown, the manufacturers received an angry letter from a man who accused them of promoting homosexuality. For the avoidance of doubt, Marmite will not make you a homosexual unless you were one in the first place.

3. Aesthetics. It comes in a distinctive jar. The only thing that looks like a Marmite jar is a marmite, the French cooking pot after which it is named (again, for the avoidance of doubt, Marmite isn’t French). If you are eating Marmite, no casual observer can be in any doubt as to what it is you are eating. That jar says, “I am a Marmite eater, and proud of it”.

4. Something For Everyone. They make special versions of it. As well as regular Marmite, you have been able to eat Champagne Marmite, Guinness Marmite, Marmite XO and even Marston’s Pedigree Marmite. Do you get special versions of peanut butter? Or strawberry jam? No. Further evidence of Marmite’s superiority.

5. Roasts. You can add it to gravy. If you want to give your gravy an extra kick, just add a spoonful of Marmite. Not only is this tip suitable for vegetablists (Marmite is vegetablist friendly), you try adding marmalade to gravy and see what you get.

6. Cheddar. You can add it to cheese. Ever had a raspberry jam and cheddar sandwich? Thought not. I’ll save you the trouble. It is horrible. Cheddar and Marmite, on the other hand, is a marriage made in heaven – so much so that you can now buy Marmite Cheddar.

7. Greed. My wife doesn’t like it. Thus ensuring that there is all the more for me.***

Now go forth, eat Marmite, and enrich your lives.

*Many thanks to Alex Clement-Meehan for retweeting nothing anyway. She’s obsessed.

**100% true.

***7 Reasons would like to apologise for the contradiction that appears in reason seven. Perhaps the title of this post should have been ‘7 Reasons Why Everyone Apart From Mrs O’Hagan Should Eat Marmite’?

August 6, 2011