7 Reasons Joey Barton Is Modern Day Liverpudlian Confucius
We don’t usually give much time to footballers on 7 Reasons – unless we’re using our satirical skills to make they look silly – but today we are dedicating an entire post to Newcastle’s very own Joey Barton. Now, I’ve always thought Joey Barton was a bit of an idiot. And, indeed, a thug. But in recent times – via the medium of Twitter – he has started to change my mind. I now consider him a modern day Liverpudlian Confucius. Here’s why:
1. Philosophy. There is no doubt about it, Joey Barton is a burgeoning philosopher. While it would be easy to point at his retweets of Nietzsche, Orwell and Morgan* one should not be so fast as to ignore his own work. Yesterday he tweeted, “If this was nipped in the bud in London, with plenty of beatings for these knobheads. It wouldn’t be happening elsewhere. #bringbackthebirch“. It’s important to understand that in the modern age, with a 140 character limit and millions of other people vying for attention, getting your message heard is difficult. But Joey Barton, through his Confucius-like choice of language, finds a way. If he had said, “Naughtiness should be followed by a smacked bottom”, I just don’t think he’d have got his message through.
2. Disciples. It’s unknown exactly how many disciples Confucius had, but it is believed to have been somewhere around the 100 mark. One hundred people believed in him enough to follow him and repeat his work to the world. Currently 280,000 people follow Joey Barton and at least 250 people are sharing (RT’ing) everything he says. That must make him about 5,000 times greater than Confucius. Incredible.
3. Well Read. My formally uneducated view of Joey Barton was that he would sit down of an evening and watch The Football Factory or Green Street or Sesame Street. How wrong could I be? Staggeringly is the answer. Joey Barton doesn’t watch Big Bird having his head kicked in by Elijah Wood. Oh no, instead he reads foreignpolicy.com. Seriously, this guy is the William Hague of the Premier League.
4. Arrest. Like Confucius, Joey Barton has also spent a bit of time at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. (I mean they’ve both been arrested and spent time in jail, not that they’ve both slept with the Queen. That would be weird). Joey Barton spent 77 days of his six month sentence behind bars. Confucius spent five days of his 12 day sentence behind bars. That means they were both released having only completed 42% of their respective sentences. The coincidence is too much.
5. English. Interestingly, both Confucius and Joey Barton had/have problems with the English language. Barton struggles with the concept of grammar and spells words such as dismantled, ‘dimantled’, while Confucius just doodled. This is his attempt at dismantled, 拆除. Pathetic really. One has to say, at least Jory tried.
6. Tea. Tea! Joey Barton likes tea! In fact, he says, “you cannot beat a cup of tea.” How right is that? This boy is a genius.
7. Riots. He’s talking a lot of sense. Joey Barton! Sense! So much so that he’s saying what I – and probably you – have been thinking. The media – by showing these rioters chucking bricks at Police and looting so easily – is not helping. In fact, it’s probably inspiring others to do the same. If they showed more coverage of these people being arrested then maybe, just maybe, that would act as a deterrent. Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Barton. The voice of a nation.
*Yes, Piers Morgan. Don’t look at me, it’s not my fault.