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7 Reasons That Baths are Better Than Showers

1. Charity. We don’t know of any instances where showers have made any money for charity, but baths have probably raised millions for charity over the years. From bank managers sitting in baths full of baked beans, to bank mangers sitting in baths full of custard, from bank managers being rolling down the High Street in a bath, to bank managers paddling down the local river in a bath, it’s all about the bath. And bank managers.

2. Thought. No one thinks in a shower. They’re too busy scraping, scrubbing and rubbing while their senses are being assaulted by noisy, powerful, intrusive jets of water. Baths, like libraries, on the other hand, are quiet places of studious contemplation. Archimedes famously worked out how to determine the integrity of gold while in his bath. Churchill conducted a large part of his Second World War campaign from his bath, often dictating notes and occasionally holding meetings there. A good deal of this website was devised in the bath. Nothing good ever came of showering.

3. Fun. Showers are humourless. Baths are fun. Are there any shower toys? No. There are loads of bath toys available though, including submarines, ducks and battleships. There are also good jokes related to baths. My wife often asks me how long I’m going to be in the bath, and I always reply “6’2”.” This joke doesn’t work with a shower as, because of the standing position, 6’2” is your height rather than your length. Unless you are not 6’2”, in which case you’d have to modify the joke and my wife probably wouldn’t enquire this of you in the first place. You see, showers cock everything up.

4. Words. In popular phraseology, showers are seen as a bad thing. Ever heard the parade-ground phrase “you lot are a right shower?” It usually precedes some sort of punishment for tardiness. Being a shower is bad. There’s a popular phrase about baths too, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”. In this phrase we are being urged not to do anything to harm the baby with the bathwater. The baby with the bathwater is something that we should preserve. The baby with the bathwater is something that shouldn’t be discarded. This is because bathwater is precious. Probably.

5. Verbs. You switch on a shower; you draw a bath.

6. Flatulence. Breaking wind in the shower is dull. Breaking wind in the bath is a Jacuzzi.

7. Fast. The prime motive for using a shower is because it is fast. Being fast is often the wrong motive for doing anything. Go and stand outside your local branch of McDonald’s for a few minutes and look at the people who consume fast food, is fast good? Test cricket fans, is fast good? Ladies, is fast good? People who’ve been chased by a horse, is fast good? Hungry people, is fast good? Stuck people, is fast good? The answer is no, fast is not good. Nor are showers, they’re bloody rubbish.

December 23, 2009
7 Reasons Buying A Christmas Card Is Infuriating

1. Design. What is wrong with a picture of a robin or a Christmas tree or a snow covered church? It may be the traditional values I hold dear, but I don’t want to buy a card that has a picture of Santa with his pants around his ankles and a mince pie stuck up his backside.

2. Mother & Dad. I’m sorry, do the card manufacturers have a character limit that prevents them from using the correct format or something? It is not ‘Mother & Dad’ is it? It’s ‘Mother & Father’ or ‘Mum & Dad’. I didn’t look inside the cards in question for fear of being compelled to rip them up, but I strongly expect that also use the phrase ‘Yours Faithfully’.

3. Messages. They are always so bloody cliched and impersonal. ‘To my wonderful parents. You are the greatest around. I will love you until the end of time.’ Yes, they are your parents. Of course you will. Why can’t it just say ‘Wishing You A Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year’ and then leave enough room for me to write whatever I want to write?

4. Record Your Own Message. Yes, you can record your own Christmas message for your parents. If I wanted my parents to hear me wishing them ‘A Merry Christmas’ I would phone them up. Or given that I will be in the same house as them this year, I might actually do it face to face. I don’t need a Christmas card to do it for me. I am not an idiot. Fact.

5. Pets. I have never had a pet so maybe I am not on the same emotional level as those that have, but I have never understood the whole pets and cards thing. Whether it’s the ‘To The Dog’ or ‘From The Gerbil’ kind, they are both, as far as I am concerned, wrong. Your dog can not read and your gerbil sure as hell can’t write. All they want is a squeaky ball or a new bit of cardboard. But obviously I am very much out of touch as Clintons have a bigger section for ‘Pets’ than they do for ‘Wife’.

6. Merry Christmas from Jonathan and Homer Simpson. Why? Why, why, why? Why the hell would I want to give someone a Christmas card that is from myself and a cartoon character? No one I know even likes the bloody Simpsons.

7. Brothers. Why is it you can no longer buy a ‘Merry Christmas Brother’ card? It’s always ‘Bro’ or ‘Bruv’ or ‘Brother and Wife’ or ‘Brother and Girlfriend’ and new for this year ‘Brother and Boyfriend’. My brother is not gay. He has not got a wife. I am not sending him a text in which I may shorten to Bro. And he is not in some downtown hood where everyone goes around punching fists and calling each other ‘Bruv’. He is just my brother. I want a card that says that. Is that too much to ask?

December 22, 2009
7 Reasons to Send a Christmas Card

1. Self promotion. Every year, Michael Winner sends out a Christmas card that promotes him, his books and his television show. He’ll send it to any of the readers of his Winner’s Dinners column in the Sunday Times who send him their address. Would you want Michael Winner to have your address? What if he came to visit? What if he told you to “calm down, dear”? The best case scenario is that you’ll get something with a picture of Michael Winner on it. Repeatedly having your middle-toe hit with a hammer is a better case scenario than that.

2. Comedy. If you send a Christmas card without a stamp on, your friend may be forced to go miles to his local post office to pay for the postage. When he phones up to complain, you can tell him that you’ll reimburse him for the amount he was charged, and send him a cheque in an envelope without a stamp on it, forcing him to go back to the post office and pay the excess postage once more. This actually happened to a friend of mine. I was the culprit. The following year I sent him a CD in a box large enough to accommodate an average-sized refrigerator, knowing he would be out at the time of delivery, forcing him to go back to the post office once more. I am a bad man.

3. Cheque. You might want to send a cheque as a Christmas present, and what better place to put it than inside a Christmas card? As you slide the cheque into the card, you can imagine the recipient’s beaming face as they gratefully receive their gift. Obviously, this is not what happens in the real world. The standard reaction to receiving a cheque is to stare at it blankly for several seconds before exclaiming “A cheque! What is this, the dark ages?” The recipient, used to the wonder that is internet banking, will have to go into town and trudge round for ages, attempting to find a branch of their bank that hasn’t closed down. It will probably rain on them while they’re doing this. They will be cold, they will be wet, they will be tired, they will complain about the experience on the internet. They will not be grateful.

4. Handwriting. A Christmas card is your annual opportunity to handwrite something. It’s surprising how hard it is when you’re out of practice, and it’s surprising how tired your hand gets. My cards look like they were written by a messy child when I start them, and a messy child’s dog by the time I finish.

5. Newsletter. Unbelievably, there are people out there who don’t have blogs. These people will sometimes try to impart a whole years worth of family news in a newsletter contained within the Christmas card. These soporific missives usually contain tedious accounts of the summer holiday in Bermuda, Trevor’s hectic year at the office (who knew there was so much to write about human resources?) and Melanie’s second year at Bath (minus all of the interesting bits, as she hasn’t passed those on to her parents). You can send your own newsletter in a card too, containing your description of how you invented the iPob (a portable device to store and play classic children’s television programmes), a torrid account of your affair with Jennifer Aniston and some pictures from your holiday on the moon. You can write anything you want in a newsletter, no one reads them.

6. Protest. When you send a Christmas card you can use a special Christmas stamp without a picture of the Queen on it. Replacing The Queen with a reindeer is one in the eye for the oppressive monarchical hierarchy, and it would also give Prince Philip somewhere to hang his hat.

7. It’s nice. Obviously there are some sad, lonely people out there who might not expect to receive any Christmas cards. It’s not nice to think of anyone not receiving a card so it’s heartening to remember that Jan Moir can actually go out and post a Christmas card to herself.

December 21, 2009
7 Reasons You Upset A Woman

Upsetting a woman is never very clever. Which is why man tries to avoid doing it. Unfortunately, trying is never really good enough. Sometimes we – and I speak on behalf of all man here – just end up in a situation where we can’t help but say something amusing. And make no mistake about it, what we say is amusing. It’s just that the fairer sex can’t see it. And so for some reason they get a bit annoyed. Here are seven examples of things we have have said to women that didn’t go down as well as they should have.

1. “Wow. You’ve got evil eyes!”
Discovered: Friday 26th September 2009
Discovered by: Jon
Location: The Bedford, Balham
Circumstances: Girl standing next to me was staring into my brain.
Excuse(s): 1- Not sober. 2 – It was true. Consequence(s): 1 – Verbal abuse. 2 – Harmed Anglo-Cuban relations. 3 – Forced to down some alcoholic concoction that contained Sambuca and Absinthe.
Positive(s): 1 – Free Drink.
Action to take next time: Advise her to invest in a pair of large sunglasses.

2. “Is you sister really more dull than you or is that just not possible?”
Discovered: 1997
Discovered by: Simon
Location: A pub in St Andrews, Fife
Circumstances: I had endured a term of stories presented as being fascinating and exciting, in reality they were dull tales of life in Aberfeldy, mostly involving horse riding. She was preparing us for her sisters visit the next day by explaining that in comparison to her sibling she was the life and soul of the party.
Excuse(s): 1 – Really not sober. 2 – Boredom following months of dull stories.
Consequence(s): 1 –Having a most of a pint thrown over me. 2 – Loss of the pint for drinking purposes. 3 – Damage to a really rather nice shirt. 4 – Damage to Anglo-Scottish relations.
Positive(s): 1- I didn’t have to meet the sister (which was very much on the cards) 2 – I never heard any more dull stories about horse-riding in Aberfeldy (or anything else for that matter).
Action to take next time: Wait till you’ve met the sister and then compliment the first woman on how interesting and fun she is.

3. “I’m not really keen on it, do you still have the blue one?”
Discovered: December 1997
Discovered by: Marc
Location: My then girlfriend’s bedroom.
Circumstances: I was asked my opinion on the dress that she intended to wear to the Christmas Ball, ten minutes before we were due to leave.
Excuse(s): 1 – I’m very honest.
Consequence(s): 1 – I attended the 1997 Christmas Ball without a date.
Positive(s): 1 – I was able to spend time with friends. 2 – I was able to break wind without apologising. 3 – I still don’t get asked my opinion on dresses.
Action to take next time: Like the green one, no matter how inferior it is to the blue one.

4. “Well, not anymore he doesn’t, he’s dead.”
Discovered: Late 2007
Discovered by: Jon
Location: My old flat in Crystal Palace
Circumstances: Having a discussion with my flatmate about her dog. I found out he had been run over some years previously. Flatmate said something along the lines of, ‘He loves running around the garden’.
Excuse(s): 1 – I was trying to be amusing.
Consequence(s): 1 – She stared at me, looked a bit shocked, then left the room. 2 – I felt a bit uncomfortable. Positive(s): 1 – I could change the TV channel.
Action to take next time: Don’t comment on photos of dogs that may be on the mantel piece.

5. “Piss off, Hitler!”
Discovered: Autumn 2009
Discovered by: Marc
Location: The upstairs landing.
Circumstances: My wife was attempting to comedy-slap me on the forehead with her right hand. I anticipated this and stepped backwards to avoid her hand. This left her standing with her right arm fully outstretched in what could have been interpreted as a Nazi salute.
Excuse(s): 1 – It was funny.
Consequence(s): 1 – She poked her tongue out. 2 – She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead. Positive(s): 1 – I was able to ascertain what flavour squash she had been drinking from the colour of her tongue. 2 – She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead.
Action to take next time: I’m not sure yet. “Piss off, Goebbels?”

6. “It’s because they’re for girls.”
Discovered: 13th December 2009
Discovered by: Marc
Location: A Department Store
Circumstances: My wife and I were browsing in the kitchen section of a local department store. She spotted a new range of mops, brooms, dustpans and brushes with a floral motif on their handles. “Why are they covered in flowers?” she enquired.
Excuse(s): 1 – It was funny. 2 – Shopping is dull and needs enlivening.
Consequence(s): 1 – I received a look of utter contempt from my wife. 2 – The man next to us laughed loudly, but briefly, before he stifled it. 3 – The woman next to us scowled at the man next to us (presumably her husband) causing him to stifle his laughter. 4 – The woman next to us scowled at me.
Positive(s): 1 – I am becoming familiar with the use of mops, brooms, dustpans and brushes.
Action to take next time: Browse in the tools section.

7. “You are like an oven. When I turn you on, you get hot.”
Discovered: Sunday 5th October 2009
Discovered by: Bri McIntosh
Location: Twitter
Circumstances: Brian McIntosh sharing his best chat-up lines with the female world.
Excuse(s): There aren’t any.
Consequence(s): 1 – Mirth all round. 2 – Much ridicule. 3 – Re-Tweeted around the world. 4 – Posted on many blogs.
Positive(s): None for Brian. Constant source of laughter for everyone else.
Action to take next time: Don’t talk to girls. On or offline.

Are you a man? If so, we want to know what you said. Just head over to our contact page and you may see yourself on this site very soon. Especially if your words of wisdom resulted in plates being thrown.

December 20, 2009
Guest Post : 7 Reasons To Love Bolton

Today’s guest post comes from Bolton-based musician, record-label-owner and music-promoter Brad B. Wood. His highly acclaimed band, Merchandise, are releasing their fifth album soon, which could mean any time in the next two years. You can check out the brilliant Merchandise website here, it’ll even play you a song while you read this. You can also find Brad twittering here. Twitter will not play you a song.

1. The moors. In much the same way that the proximity of the Moors influenced Southern Spain, the proximity of the moors influences Bolton. The moors are beautiful in a gorgeously melancholic and autumnal way that imparts the mood which characterises Bolton – helped by the wonderfully named A666 (Dual Carriageway of the Beast) running through the town.

2. Pies. Yes I know Wigan has the reputation, but they’re something of a delicacy round here too. There are many great pie shops including the excellent Ye Olde Pastie Shoppe, Wilson’s in Kearsley and, of course, the locally ubiquitous Greenhalgh’s (a pronunciation nightmare for visitors). My favourite, Villas on Tonge Moor, has sadly closed – not due to any lack of custom on my part. I got told off the other week for saying complimentary things about Carr’s pasties during an interview on Bolton FM – strange folk there. I just mentioned how they make a pasty barm so well (a pasty in a buttered bread roll – great!). You don’t have to travel to Scotland to find fine cuisine, you know. You can also find it in Bolton.

3. Bradshaw fireworks display. A grand evening out. Gloriously crap, and all the more fun for it. One year, the countdown to the start of the display ended with no fireworks. The tannoy announcer asked Cyril (the man in charge of the blue touch-paper) what he was up to several times before he eventually graced us with what could be the most randomly choreographed display in pyrotechnic history. After 25 minutes of mistimed banging and whooshing, bizarre colour combinations and fireworks shooting in all directions, the display concluded with the piece-de-resistance, the words “..od ..ght” illuminated in fireworks.

4. Place names. Well, the best of the lot has to be Knob End, Upper Ramsbottom is just over the hill too (There’s a new game, “Increase the Innuendo by Placing Bolton Place Names Next to Each Other in a Sentence.”) We also specialise in place-names that are unpronounceable to visitors, such as Daubhill (Dobble), and place-names with a right lot of apostrophes: Hall I’ th’ Wood, Top O’ Th’ Brow etc. During a fun game of “Get the Bolton Place Name in a Film Title” (this is how we roll) these were the best: Doffcockerlipse Now, Daubhill Impact (see pronunciation above), Lostock and Two Smoking Barrels, When Harry Breightmet Sally and The Bradshawshank Redemption. That whiled away a long motorway journey of twenty-nine miles, twenty-nine long miles . . . and there were some much worse suggestions.

5. Comedy. Bolton is a funny place, or at least our residents make it one. The local character is to look for the funny; we’re also known for our friendliness to strangers. Genuine business names include “Big Baps and Nice Buns” (a sandwich shop) and Softies Hard Stuff (I think you can guess what he sells). Among our professional comics are Peter Kay, Dave Spikey, Justin Moorehouse, Hovis Presley , Paddy McGuinness and the perennial panto favourite, Stu “I could crush a grape” Francis. We also employ Gary Megson.

6. Bolton Wanderers. Founder members of the Football League and four time FA cup winners – including the White Horse final in 1923 – the first at the old Wembley stadium. We were involved in the first game with nets, which took place between Bolton and Everton (possibly the two teams least likely to need them). And now we’ve come through that dark patch in the eighties where we had to sell one end of the stadium to a supermarket, “We’re the one and only Wanderers!” (except for ones beginning with W)

7. Real ale. Like everywhere, Bolton has a strip of pubs which are less safe than the places you hear about in the international news. However, if you drive out a little, or have a bit of nous, you can avoid everything that’s fetid and wrong with contemporary society, and visit great pubs which make you proud to be British (in a nice way, not a Nick Griffin way). The joy of pubs where folk actually talk to each other is lost on Southerners – Christ knows how they make friends. Go to the No Name (it’s a pub without a name), The Dog and Partridge, The Sweet Green Tavern, The Hen and Chickens, The Old Man and Scythe or The Pack Horse at Affetside and you won’t be disappointed. You may even make a friend.

December 19, 2009
7 Reasons ‘Last Christmas’ Is The Greatest Music Video Ever.

1. The Set-up. The start of the video could very well be the start of a James Bond film that stars Jennifer Aniston. Two jeeps pull up in the snow. A door opens. A man gets out. He turns around. And that’s where is ends. You could never have a Bond villain with a hairstyle like that. Well, not unless Bond himself was played by Mika.

2. The Waving. Let’s be honest about this, it’s horrendous. It is not proper waving. It is five people auditioning for a job as a window cleaner, 0:24 – 0:30. Personally I would give the job to the woman in the middle. She was getting right into the corners.

3. The Tinsel Drop. Nice moves George. Or not. The idea is that he drops the tinsel onto last year’s lover, so that he can crouch down, apologise and stare into her eyes. Watch it though. At 1:27 there is a cut in the video. Only for a split second, but it can be seen. This is because George Michael is useless when it comes to dropping tinsel. They did 132 takes and everytime George missed his lover. In the end they decided just to chuck a bit of tinsel over her and merge the two segments. It didn’t work. But it’s lovely that George has his faults.

4. The Ice Cool Dude. Look at this guy at 1:40. It’s freezing outside yet he has been in the woods chopping up a tree without gloves or a hat. It took me a while to work out why this might be the case but it came to me eventually. He wasn’t wearing a hat because if he was he wouldn’t have been able to hear the director shout instructions at him. He wasn’t wearing gloves because he’s an idiot.

5. The Chat Up Lines. You just have to look at the two girl’s faces at 2:19 to know that they have just been asked by the smarmy git on the left if they fancy a threesome. Unfortunately they cut away from them to show George preparing to inhale wine through his nose, so no one quite knows whether the threesome happened or not. Nothing wrong with imagining though.

6. The Irony. There is quite a lot of it in Last Christmas, but the main one is George Michael supposedly giving his heart away 365 days previously. To a girl. You seriously expect us to believe that George? With that running style between 3:00 and 3:05? But that’s what’s so great about it. For four minutes and sixteen seconds we convince ourselves to believe it. Then we pretend we can’t stand this song.

7. The Skis. Oh, they had skis with them – 3:50. I am sure I am not the only person to notice that they didn’t actually do any skiing. All we saw them do is drink wine, run around in the snow, look at each other seductively and eat a birthday cake (2:11 – don’t ask me why, it was probably someone’s birthday. Jesus’ probably). But that’s fine, it means Wham! were in touch with reality. Sure, people mean to attack the slalom when on a winter holiday, but as soon as they start on the Quality Street they decide it’s just not going to happen. Real people. Real attitudes to getting fat.

December 18, 2009
7 Reasons to go to the Football Match

1. History. You get no sense of history watching a match on television. If you go to the Milton End at Fratton Park though, you can see an impressive recreation of the football experience in Victorian times. If it weren’t for the presence of “ladies” and the absence of flat-caps and rattles I would have believed I’d gone back in time. They even exhorted their team to “play up.” Nobody’s done that since colour was invented. I think I saw Dickens in the row behind me, sitting between a Muffin Man and an urchin.

2. Perspective. When you watch televised football, most of the footage is shot side-on from the main stand. This gives a good perspective on the game and gives you a tactical overview of events. You can get this at live football too, by sitting in the centre of one of the main stands. If you prefer excitement, however, nothing beats sitting behind the goal that your team is attacking. The spectacle of watching your strikers shooting at the space directly ahead of you is unsurpassable.*

*If your strike-force contains an Aliadiere or a Voronin you can replicate this experience by sitting near a corner-flag, the one furthest from the barn-door and the cows-arse.

3. Wit. There’s much wit and humour to be heard at live football. There are funny chants, heckles, pithy observations and bawdy asides. Wigan are considering signing Chilean defender Waldo Ponce in January. I may move to the North-West and buy a season ticket. It’s a name with enormous humour potential, the best since Celtic signed Rafael Scheidt.

4. Alan Green. Supercilious hectoring blabbermouth Alan Green might be at the match but don’t worry, it’s quite noisy there and you won’t be able to hear him. Also, he won’t be able to talk over everyone in the crowd whose opinion differs from his own, which is at least 97% of them – the ones with eyes in their heads and functioning brains.

5. Advise. You can’t help your team by watching the match at home. At the match you can, by shouting. If you’ve spotted something the players haven’t, or developed a new tactic that your manager hasn’t considered, you can let them know instantly. Who knows? You may even change the course of the match with your perceptive insights. Or you may not, like the man next to me three weeks ago who bellowed “Get the ball!” whenever his team weren’t in possession. He is presumably the man that warnings on coffee cups and rear-view-mirrors are for, I had wondered.

6. Pedestrians. Football matches are dangerous places for cars. Tannoy announcements often seem to consist of an endless stream of car-park calamity. “Can the owner of a silver Ford Focus (they’re all silver), registration number xxx xxxx please go to the car park as their car has its lights on/has its windows open/is parked in the way/is on fire/has rolled away/has the keys in the door/has been struck by the opposing team’s bus/is being vandalised/is playing Radio 2 at an immoderate volume. Militant pedestrians love hearing this litany of automotive adversity, it may be why they go.

7. Comedy. When you watch football on television, the cameras aren’t following the referee and often miss it when he does something funny, like falling over. I can’t think of anything that is funnier than a referee falling over, except for a referee falling over a dog…or a referee falling over a linesman…or a referee being chased by a rogue elephant…or a referee being satirised by Ian Hislop…or a referee slipping on a banana skin dropped by the fourth official…

There are many things funnier than the referee falling over. The ref falling over is still very funny though. If you go to the match, you may witness it.

December 17, 2009
7 Reasons To Fly With British Airways This Christmas

1. You’re the boss. The last thing BA need now is more bad publicity. The staff, therefore, are going to be under strict instructions to be extra pleasant to customers. Anything from getting away with being 3kg overweight (your luggage that is) to a constant supply of dry roasted peanuts could be yours.

2. Bump it up. With the cancellation of so many flights, planes are going to be even more overbooked than usual. BA are going to have to let the masses into Club Class – a beautiful place that doesn’t involve recreating the Gauntlet from Gladiators whenever you want to go to the toilet.

3. Relax. Flying with young children is stressful at the best of times, let alone at Christmas. It’s not a proven fact, but a quick poll suggests that 99% of parents would really rather not fly with their offspring. Thankfully, only 13% of these people decide to leave their children at the airport and go off by themselves. The other 87% just cancel their flights and stay at home. And that is exactly what they will be doing this year. Which means you can enjoy your flight without the constant sound of crying babies or the prospect of getting arrested upon arrival at your destination having throttled the little git who had been kicking the back of your seat for two hours.

4. Richard Branson. He never flies with BA.

5. Welcome on board. The six members of BA’s 12,500 strong cabin crew that haven’t decided to go on strike, will be on your flight. And make no mistake about it, they will be feeling the heat. So much so that an extra button may just happen to be undone on their shirts. Oh yes, they’ll be using their sex appeal this festive period. There’ll be a whole lot more bending over you on BA this Christmas. Just to keep you happy. And if you are really lucky it may even be a woman. (If you are a woman, you may wish to read that as man).

6. No clappers. A lot of Americans who are due to fly to the UK with BA will now decide to cancel their flights. This means that when you fly out to the US for New Year there will be a dearth of Yanks returning home. As a result, when you land at JFK there won’t be a round of applause for the pilot – officially the third most annoying thing in the world, after, one, applauding at the end of a film and, two, Janet Street-Porter. Why do Americans do it anyway? Why do they applaud the pilot? I’ve just spent £800 on a plane ticket. The least I expect is that I actually get to my destination alive. Just stop it America. Stop it. It’s very silly. And bloody annoying.

7. Back British. It’s no secret that BA are in dire financial straits. They need your money. If you don’t fly with them they will have to implement more cost-cutting strategies. Anything could happen. Leg room could be reduced to get more seats on the plane. You may have to start sharing flight socks with Doreen (she’s 78 and has a gout issue). They may even make omelettes appear at breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is your duty to stop this happening. It is your duty to fly with BA.

December 16, 2009
007 Reasons to be a Bond Villain

James Bond: Suave, sophisticated, international jet-setting spy and cultural icon. Every boy wants to grow up to be like Bond. But isn’t he just a tad dull? Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be a Bond villain? Of course it would. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Clothes. James Bond dresses well. He usually wears smart-casual gear when he isn’t working, or a bespoke suit if he is. As nice as they are though, they’re still the clothes of an office worker. Bond villains can wear whatever they want – they’re the boss. Usually they eschew convention and go for a light-brown suit with a Nero-collar, a light-brown Mao-suit or a light-brown safari-suit. No one makes fun of them though, they might end up as anaconda food. Bond villains can wear whatever they like without criticism, even light-brown.

2. Pets. Bond villains often have pets. Usually it’s a cat, which is good, or sometimes it’s a shark, which is probably higher maintenance and less fun to stroke, but still good. James Bond has never had a pet, which is a bit weird.

3. Girls. Most Bond girls are employed by the villain, not by Bond. So if you’re the villain, you can choose whichever Bond girls you like. We have chosen Jennifer Aniston.

Caress O’Hare regarded the tall, well dressed, unconscious newcomer as he was dragged into the sumptuous office. Her emotions a heady cocktail of disdain and desire, she leaned provocatively against the front of the large desk, her miniskirt displaying her lustrous, shapely legs to full advantage. The henchmen tied the man – still attired in formal evening wear, two small drops of blood visible on the front of his white shirt – to a chair facing the desk. The burlier of the henchmen took a soda syphon from atop a filing cabinet and began to spray water into the man’s face. Bond came-to suddenly, shaking his head to dispel the liquid and exhaling to clear it from his mouth, sending a fine spray in her direction. “You bitch!” he exclaimed angrily as the water cleared from his eyes. The henchman replaced the soda syphon. From the seat behind the desk a deep, clear voice spoke.

“You have meddled enough in our affairs, Mr Bond, and have now outlived your usefulness. However, we are gentlemen. We won’t kill you if you give us seven reasons that we should spare your life.”

“Seven!” Bond was incredulous. “You inhuman monster! That’s impossible!”

As the henchmen dragged Bond away to the tank of killer cows, Caress O’Hare turned to her employer, the man with the golden bicycle. “He was a fine figure of a man, you never let me have any fun.”

“Never mind that feeble-minded establishment thug,” he said brusquely, “I have decided that we shall be married.”

“That’s wonderful,” she replied, touching her hair, “I’ve always wanted to be more than Friends.”

4. Accommodation. Bond lives in a poky London flat and, when traveling, stays at a series of dull hotels. Bond villains get to live in bunkers where people in colourful boiler suits drive Mini Mokes, in futuristic houses that rise up from the sea, in space, in a volcano, in mansions, in a house full of ladies on top of a mountain, Bond villains dwell in all sorts of cool places. These homes are stacked to the rafters with shiny stuff and amazing gadgets. The best gadget in Bond’s flat is probably his electric tie-rack.

5. Exertion. Bond has to work out a lot. There’s always some sort of emergency that requires him to show off his chest or chase things. Bond villains, on the other hand, don’t have to strip to the waist for spurious reasons and they never, ever run. They sometimes even get a monorail that transports them around their own house. Bond villains can relax and eat a pie whenever they like. Bond villains can be lazy.

6. Imagination. Bond likes to keep his killing simple, preferring to shoot people or push them off cliffs. Bond villains take a far more creative approach to inflicting death on people. Their elaborate schemes involve lasers, computers, submarines, spaceships, missiles, satellites and command centres chock-full of machines that beep, flash, whir and spin. Bond is a dullard; Bond villains are imaginative.

7. Lines. James Bond can tell you his name, own name, and how he would like his vodka-martini prepared. That’s about as eloquent as he gets. Bond villains, in contrast, spout pithy lines of intelligence, malevolence and wit. Their lines are far superior to the semi-articulate drivel spouted by Bond.

Blofeld: I had heard that you were dead.
Bond: This is my second life.
Blofeld: You only live twice, Mr. Bond.

December 15, 2009
7 Reasons Sports Personality 2009 Was A Joke

1. Andy Murray. Where was he? If Andrew Strauss could be on a live link, then why couldn’t Murray? He may have had a legitimate reason, but as things stand he has just made it slightly harder for me to like him again. Goodness me, that boy’s an effort.

2. Coach of the Year. Yes, Fabio Capello has done a good job with England – I say good job, it’s actually a sad indictment of English football that it takes an Italian coach to make the players England possess play well together – but what did he actually coach us to? Top spot in the qualifying table. The last time I checked that meant sod all – apart from that it is part one of the proper job. Have the panel ever heard of Ross Brawn or Declan Kidney? How did they not even make the shortlist? Muppetry.

3. Team of the Year. Well, the pundits got this half right. The sport was right, sadly the team was not. England Women’s Cricket Team should have won this. What more did the pundits want them to do? They won the Ashes. They won the World Cup. They won the Twenty20 World Cup. That’s really quite a big clue. More muppetry.

4. Kelly Holmes. What the hell was she wearing? If I was a girl I am pretty sure that would have been the kind of outfit I would want to have worn when I was about twelve and going bowling with my friends Bianca and Stace.

5. James Corden. For a minute I thought he had just wandered into the wrong studio, but then he appeared on stage. And then he presented an award. If the BBC wanted him to present an award they should have had him on BBC2 getting ready to handover the Pukka Pies UK Snooker Championship trophy.

6. Andrew Strauss. Personally, I think he should have won – for reasons I have outlined before on this website – but not even coming in the top three is bizarre. He single-handedly dragged a team that was humiliated in the West Indies to winning the Ashes just five months later. It wasn’t like 2005 when England had beaten everyone in the past eighteen months. What more do our sportsmen/women have to do to please people?

7. Ryan Giggs. Yes, the big one. How the bloody hell is Ryan Giggs Sports Personality of the Year 2009? I am still trying to work it out. Yes, he had a fine year. Yes, he is a fine player. Yes, it is refreshing to have a footballer with humility in a sport where there is severe lack of it (not that that should be grounds for winning SPOTY). But seriously? He did not have a better sporting year than six World Champions. He did not have a better year than an Ashes winning captain. He did not have a better year than a tennis player who reached the ranking of number two in the world. He did not have a better year than a six-time Tour de France stage winner. Give him a lifetime achievement award someday, sure, but no one can tell me he deserved to beat the other nine contenders this year. But as you voted for him, please try. I really need to understand this.

December 14, 2009