Blog

7 Reasons To Love Monday

1. It’s a fresh start. It is to the week what New Years Day is to the year. Full of hope, expectation and Great Aunties singing Auld Lang Syne.

2. Sunday was so quiet without the letterbox flicking open. Now it’s Monday and the post is arriving again. Who knows what will arrive. Unless you are in the UK. In which case everyone knows what will arrive. Sod all.

3. It’s not a day for work. Monday is spent talking about the weekend. Did Donna and Darren get it on? Did Donna and Jimmy get it on? Did Donna and Matthew get it on? Was Donna particularly horny this weekend?

4. You have the rest of the week to make it happen, so you can relax and take it easy. You can check twitter every ten minutes. You can make paper aeroplanes. You chuck paper clips at each other. You can go and find Donna.

5. The Monday sports pages are the best of the week. Full of reports and analysis. And that column from that bloke who used to play, but apparently doesn’t know anything about the game. He really is a twat isn’t he?

6. The Boomtown Rats hated Monday. Bob Geldof is almost as annoying as Bono. Every reason to disagree with him then.

7. There are a whole five nights ahead before X Factor is on again and half the nation loses the plot for a few hours. The other, more sophisticated half, go to the pub and make really long straws.

You agree right?

November 2, 2009
7 Reasons to Follow @7_Reasons on Twitter

We will tell you when we have a new post.

We will follow you and you can tell us when you have a new post.

We are technical incompetents and often send tweets from this account in error. You wouldn’t want to miss out on such gems as “Just noticed my socks are on the wrong feet. How embarrassing” or “My wife is singing at the cat again, why doesn’t he run?” would you?

You can share your ideas with us and suggest topics or features that you’d like to see.

We will not tweet incessantly about teeth-whitening or invite you to look at pictures of us without our trousers on.

We might have a Twitter competition one day.

We will not say LOL, ROFL or use punctuation-marks to make a sideways face.

Do you have additional reasons? Share them with us in the comments section. Or tweet them to us, if they are short, and you are new-fangled.

1. We will tell you when we have a new post.

2. We will follow you and you can tell us when you have a new post.

3. We are technical incompetents and often send tweets from this account in error. You wouldn’t want to miss out on such gems as “Just noticed my socks are on the wrong feet. How embarrassing” or “My wife is singing at the cat again, why doesn’t he run?” would you?

4. You can share your ideas with us and suggest topics or features that you’d like to see.

5. We will not tweet incessantly about teeth-whitening or invite you to look at pictures of us without our trousers on.

6. We might have a Twitter competition one day.

7. We will not say LOL, ROFL or use punctuation-marks to make a sideways face.

Do you have additional reasons? Share them with us in the comments section. Or tweet them to us, if they are short, and you are new-fangled.

November 1, 2009
7 Reasons Top Gun Is The Most Homoerotic Movie Ever Made

1. Maverick’s preferred choice of transport are motorbikes and MiGs. He basically likes a big engine between his legs. Or being strapped in with his hands clasped on a gearstick.

2. Kelly McGillis plays the main female lead, yet she is often seen in elevators dressed as a man. She also has a ridiculously good knowledge of planes and we don’t see her shaving her legs once.

3. The most iconic quote from the movie is, “I feel the need…the need for speed!” It’s a well known fact that men can’t be bothered with foreplay. Get in there, get the job done, make some toast, watch Match of the Day. Sorted.

4. In the volleyball scene, Goose is seen wearing a t-shirt. This is not because his skin burns easily. It’s because he’s a tease.

5. Other quotes from the film include, “Okay Mav, let’s turn and burn”, “I was invaded” and “We’re in his Jet Wash.” I have looked at the manual for the US Navy Strike Fighter Tactics Instructor program and can confirm that none of these appear in the terminology section.

6. Iceman. The Baywatch style bleached hair. The hand-on-hip poses. The snapping of teeth. The wingman called Slider. The walk straight out of Village People. He’s not leaving much to the imagination is he?

7. The soundtrack. From Playing With The Boys to Great Balls Of Fireto Heaven In Your Eyes by Loverboy. It’s like being at Elton John’s house party.

Spotted the movement of Viper’s buttocks or Cougar’s pink handcuffs? We want to hear about it.

October 31, 2009
7 Reasons That Sir Alex Ferguson Should Retire

1. It would give the other managers a chance. Seriously, he just keeps winning stuff.

2. We would get to see Manchester United playing in white. It’s a little known fact that Manchester United’s shirt is actually white, it only appears to be red when bathed in the glow from Fergie’s nose.

3. He’s won so many matches and titles. Why can’t he celebrate any better than this?

He’s a rubbish celebrator.

4. When someone retires it’s customary to present them with a watch. Fergie obviously needs one of these. Have you seen him during injury time? He clearly can’t tell the difference between nine seconds and an hour.

5. If Fergie retired then Alan Green wouldn’t prefix every comment about him on 606 with the words “I’ve got nothing against Sir Alex as a manager, but…”. That’s eleven words Alan Green wouldn’t have to say, thus bringing Alan Green eleven words closer to not speaking altogether.

6. Fergie’s talents are clearly needed at home. His postman is unfit, his milkman’s always too early or too late and his local newsagent never has the right cards.

7. If Fergie retired then giving someone the hairdryer would, once more, be a benevolent and selfless act that ladies would applaud.

Do you have additional reasons? Feel free to share them with us in the comments section below. We like comments.

October 30, 2009
7 Reasons to Support the Postal Strike

1. There will be no post and, as a result, no bills will be delivered. This means that everything will be free. Your gas and electricity will be free. Everything you buy using a credit card will be free. There will be no bank statements so you can’t be overdrawn. Result!

2. My postman’s a whistler. He’s awful, he might be whistling tunes by The Average White Band, Perry Como or Beyonce, I can’t quite tell. Now I won’t have to.

3. The weekly letter addressed to “The Householder” from Virgin Media that offers you cheaper broadband and cable television will not arrive. There are 24.7 million households in the U.K. That means that there will be 24.7 million fewer thoughts per week about Richard Branson. That’s definitely progress.

4. The Royal Mail use red elastic bands. While there is no post none of these will be used. As a consequence the Royal Mail will order fewer red elastic bands. This will lead to a surplus which may prompt their manufacturers to put them on sale to the general public, thus making our elastic band balls more colourful (i.e. not light brown).

5. We won’t have to send birthday cards. This means that we can never forget to send a birthday card. Also, we won’t have to buy birthday cards so we will never have to visit a Clinton Cards ever again. We can just write “Happy Birthday chum” on a Facebook profile and be done with the whole business.

6. Better marital harmony. If you’re browsing on Ebay late at night, after a pint or two, the goods that you buy (which are now free, remember) will not be delivered, thus avoiding a row with my (sorry, your) wife (husband/spouse/partner/significant other/special friend/cat).

7. Postal workers are popular with dogs. Every year there are approximately 826 dog related injuries between the gate and the front door. It’s so needless. I used to live up the road from a dog. Bloody big thing it was. And it often went for the postal workers. No wonder they started disguising themselves as milkmen.

Do you have additional reasons, praise or insights? Share them with us in the comments section. All criticism and negative responses are taken far more seriously and can be posted to:

7 Reasons
P.O. Box 94
Bristol
BS13 4SR

October 29, 2009
7 Reasons Andre Agassi’s Career Should Not Be Overshadowed By Crystal Meth Admission

1. Mistakes. We make them. Human’s are pre-programmed to make errors in judgement. It’s why fifteen million people watch the X-Factor. It’s why we failed to launch this blog on time yesterday. No one means to do these things, but there is something beautiful about not being perfect..

2. Andre Agassi – the tennis playing version – was an entertainer, adored the world over for his bowing, his kissing and his silly pony tail. That is who you fell in love with. Don’t forget it.

3. His autobiography, ‘Open’ hits the shelves soon. Waterstone’s only have so much space in their stockroom. To boycott Agassi’s book, is to prevent booksellers bringing in other titles. Like ‘Methematics For Dummies’.

4. There is no evidence that Crystal Meth is a performance enhancing drug. At least in the sporting arena. All we know, is that when Agassi got high, he had an urge to whip out the feather duster and polish the bookcase. Nothing wrong with a spot of cleaning now and again is there?

5. He’s retired. The future generation of tennis stars aren’t watching Agassi. They are watching Murray and Nadal. They are the role-models of today and we should be thankful for that. The game needs bigger biceps and more monotone voices.

6. We don’t remember Jennifer Capriati or Martina Hingis for anything other than their performances on court. Or their legs. Agassi should be treated in a similar vein. His legs were superbly crafted specimens.

7. I haven’t looked at Agassi’s bank account recently, but I doubt he’s short of cash. So I don’t buy the usual, ‘let’s put this in the book to sell more copies’ accusation. I think he’s genuinely sorry and if his name is now tarnished, well, then he feels he deserves it. Or maybe his ghost writer holds a grudge?

Do you want to save Andre’s reputation? Join the campaign in the comments section.

October 28, 2009
7 Reasons This Blog Was Created

1. People like lists. This is a well known fact. Shopping lists, to-do lists, Wedding lists, the list is endless. It adds structure to people’s lives. Structure is good. It makes people feel in control. We like control.

2. Seven is one of our favourite numbers. The number seven is the only number less than fifteen which cannot be represented as the sum of the squares of three integers. We like that (probably).

3. It gives us something to think about on the train or the bus or while walking to the post box. Instead of thinking, ‘Isn’t that woman’s blouse so last season?’ it gives us the chance to think of seven reasons why she is wearing that blouse. This tests our imagination. We like creativity.

4. On average we waste seven minutes a day thinking, ‘what shall I do next’. That’s the equivalent of 42 hours a year. In 42 hours you could comfortably travel around the world or hold your breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. Both of these are highly dangerous and more often that not result in Deep Vein Thrombosis or death. This blog is an antidote to both. We like saving lives.

5. Sometimes people take things far too seriously. Life should not be about taking things seriously. It should be about frivolity and nonsense. Seriousness gives us sensible shoes and Jeremy Paxman. They are bad. It’s time to be far more light-hearted. We like joy.

6. Sometimes people don’t take things at all seriously. They should. Life is a serious business. Without seriousness we get Balloon Boy and Ken Dodd. They are bad. It’s time to look at things with far more thoughtfulness. We like serious.

7. It’s the 21st Century and in the 21st Century you have to be able to back up what you say or do. It’s no good saying, ‘I just bought a new drill’ and then shrugging when your loved one asks why. You must have a reason. Other than, ‘because it had 25% off’. So there needs to be a database to help you answer that question. This is what we will provide. We like drills.

Do you have additional reasons or anything else you want to get off your chest? Share them or it with us in the comments section.

October 27, 2009