7 Reasons

Category: Russian Roulette Sunday

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Jonathan Lee

    Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Jonathan Lee

    In an interview that is still being talked about fondly in at least one corridor in Nottingham University’s halls of residence, the co-founder of 7 Reasons, Marc Fearns, was interviewed by another co-founder of 7 Reasons, Jonathan Lee. If you missed it you still have time to check it out. It won’t be coming down until yesterday at 6pm when the world ended. This link will take you there. Do come back though because this week the tables have been turned. Or at least the sofa has. Or at least it was going to turn. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, Marc can’t be here. Being the creative chap Jon is though, he has decided to press ahead with the interview. So, here is Jonathan Lee in conversation with himself.

    Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Jonathan LeeJL: Thanks for coming Jon.

    JL: No problem.

    JL: I like what you’re wearing.

    JL: Ah, thanks. Claire doesn’t wear it much these days so I thought I’d give it a whirl.

    JL: You can pull it off.

    JL: I can, but not right now. We have an interview to do.

    JL: Yes, sorry. So, 7 Reasons, how much longer are you going to keep doing it for?

    JL: Who knows. At present working for myself means I can take time out to think of and write posts as well as all the other admin that goes into making it a ‘success’. That’s not going to last forever though. At some stage in the near future I expect to be working for someone else again and that means time for 7 Reasons will be heavily reduced.

    JL: So 7 Reasons might come to an end soon?

    JL: I didn’t say that.

    JL: It’s what you intimated.

    JL: It’s always a possibility and Marc and I both know this can’t last forever.

    JL: So, this time next year, will 7 Reasons be around?

    JL: It’ll be around, in what form I don’t know. You’ll see a slow down in the number of 7 Reasons posts we churn out before we say goodbye permanently. I would be surprised if we are posting every single day this time next year. But I thought that last year too. We’ll be two years old in a few months and writing every single day in the same format for two years is hard work.

    JL: Are you tired then?

    JL: Very.

    JL: Is there anything you want to achieve with 7 Reasons before you shut the door on it?

    JL: We’re working on a couple of things outside of the 7 Reason website. I’d be surprised if we don’t make at least one of those happen. Certainly from my point of view I would like the 7 Reasons concept to be able to exist without the website.

    JL: So are we talking about an Edinburgh Fringe show?

    JL: Maybe.

    JL: When you look back, what one moment stands out for you?

    JL: England winning the Ashes in Australia, just fractionally ahead of winning the Rugby World Cup.

    JL: I really meant within or because of 7 Reasons.

    JL: Oh. I don’t have one. When people say they’ve enjoyed reading a post that’s very gratifying, unless it’s a Marc Fearns post in which case it’s a bit sickening to watch to be honest.

    JL: Is there a rivalry between you?

    JL: I’m not sure. I think we drive each other to try and be better writers, but there is no jealousy if the other’s post is picked up by Umbro or The Guardian or whoever. We know that 7 Reasons is the sum of its parts and it simply wouldn’t work if one of us wasn’t there.

    JL: That’s nice.

    JL: Next question.

    JL: What’s the worst post you’ve ever written?

    JL: Anything that attempted to drive audience participation. Whether there was our quest to find the ‘8th Reasoner’ or our challenge for readers to ‘Pimp Our Sofa’. I completely misjudged just how lazy our audience was. And the ideas were rubbish. We had entries – some good ones – but ultimately they didn’t inspire the majority.

    JL: And the best?

    JL: Probably the posts that I have ghost written for other people.

    JL: You do that?!

    JL: For a fee.

    JL: How much did SirStraussy pay you?

    JL: He wrote that himself.

    JL: And finally, you’re getting married next year. Is there going to be a 7 Reasons theme?

    JL: No chance.

    JL: Why not?

    JL: You’ll have to read this forthcoming Tuesday’s post to find that out.

    JL: Thanks for talking to us. I had fun.

    JL: I’m glad one of us did.

  • In Conversation With Marc Fearns

    In Conversation With Marc Fearns

    In something of an oddity, we’re both on the sofa this Sunday. Usually it’s just Marc and his spam fetish, but this week we thought we’d bring Jon into the equation to give things a little more substance. 7 Reasons has been going on twenty months now. Given our success we would have thought we’d at least have been interviewed on Yorkshire based radio station Whippet FM by now. Sadly, we haven’t. And that’s really disappointing. But, being innovators of great stature, we have decided to do what Whippet FM hasn’t. We are going to interview ourselves. In this two part special we are going to be sitting on the sofa talking to each other. Via the medium of email. This week, it’s Jon interviewing Marc. Here we go.

    Russian Roulette Sunday: In Conversation With Marc Fearns

    JL: Hello Marc. Nice baby/glasses. Why did you feel it necessary to involve me in 7 Reasons?

    MF: Hello Jon.  Nice fiancé/biscuits.  It seemed logical. I realised that with someone else on board, I would only have to come up with three and a half reasons per day and – I’ve been told – that doing things on your own is less fun.  The first seven reasons piece that I wrote (which was on my own blog, before the provisional concept of the site came to me in the bath) was also partially your idea, so it seemed like the thing to do.  It does have its drawbacks:  Not being the best writer on my own website occasionally irritates me and I’ve learned more about Whitstable than I ever wanted to but, those minor matters aside, time has proved that it was the right decision.  It’s a bit like a variant on infinite monkey theory:  If there are two thoroughly daft people in the world with roughly compatible interests and skill-sets, eventually they’ll end up running a website together. Or annoying a woman.  Or both.  I’m also a big fan of the writing of Jonathan Lee.  This way I can see it more often (and get to remove the rogue apostrophes).

    JL: It’s nice to hear you’re such a fan, but let’s talk about you more. Almost two years ago you quit the wine industry to start 7 Reasons and redesign the whole of your house. Which do you feel has been more successful?

    MF: Well, I do now have a library, a loft, a working roof and a big muddy hole in the front garden but parts of the house are still pink.  7 Reasons, on the other hand, isn’t pink at all.  It is also visible from Rio de Janeiro.  Definitely 7 Reasons.

    JL: We’re approaching our 500th post Birthday. That’s a lot, especially when you consider we use the same formula every single day. Have you ever been tempted to call it a day and go back to fearns.blogspot.com?

    Oh, most days.  Usually when I’m stuck on five reasons.  But other than that, no, not really.  I test myself occasionally just to ensure that I retain the ability to write without counting to seven, but 7 Reasons is much more fun and some days it just seems to write itself.  Saturdays, mostly.

    JL: Obviously an ability to write and count up to seven are essential requirements for a 7 Reasons writer  – and may I just say on one of those counts you succeed admirably – but are there any other skills that you feel lend themselves favourably to being part of the 7 Reasons team?

    MF: Yes.  Anyone can write seven reasons for something, but to make it entertaining requires some sort of minor unhinged-ness, eccentricity, neurosis, and perhaps a soupçon of Francophobia.  Most people, for example, on hearing the captivating tones of the woman next door singing lullabies to her children would think no more of it and carry on.  A member of the 7 Reasons team would have a different thought process:

    That’s the woman next door singing a lullaby.  Wow, she’s got lovely pitch and an impressive range.  I wish my child’s mother could sing this well to him.  Perhaps I could convince the woman next-door to sing to him occasionally, he’d like that…  Wait!  What am I doing?  I’m coveting my neighbour’s wife!  I’m not supposed to be doing that, the Bible says not to (possibly).  And I’m not even coveting her out of lust!  I’m coveting her for her parenting skills, which is probably an even worse betrayal of my child’s mother than coveting a woman for more conventional reasons.  Or is it?  Does this mean I’m going to hell?  Can I get a 7 Reasons post out of it?

    That’s the sort of mindset that the 7 Reasons team bring to the plate every day.

    JL: What about the need to have a thick skin? You recently wrote a piece about the M&S Dine In For £10 deal. On reading the article, Mark Spencer (probably not his real name) suggested that you were a complete idiot and proffered that you were someone who moans about anything and everything. He then called you an idot. An improvement on idiot though one suspects not overly complimentary. How do you deal with the personal insults?

    MF: Before he(she?) called me an “idot”, which as a fan of irony, I heartily approve of, he(she?) also complained (semi-literately) that I wrote a full article on the subject.  Presumably he(she?) inhabits a world where people that disagree with him(her?) can only do it in that arcane and obscure form, the partial-article.  Either that or Mark Spencer (or, more accurately, Anonymous-From-The-Internet) is a bit unhinged and should really be ignored by right-thinking people.  After all, if you have to resort to abuse where there is room for debate and opinion, you’ve really already marked yourself out as not worthy of anyones’ consideration or attention.  Generally, I’m happy that I write fair-mindedly, and if people choose not to read things in that manner, that’s really up to them.  And most people do, which is heartening.

    JL: 7 Reasons is very much concept driven, in a marketplace full of content driven websites do you think the 7 Reasons approach has helped or hindered its growth?

    MF: No.  Or yes.  Or, more accurately, I don’t know.  I think it adds a nice hook to the titles of pieces and gives the potential reader some sort of inkling of what to expect.  If you imagine the titles of our pieces without the prefix 7 Reasons, what you might expect to see when clicking on that link would be far less clear.  I think people realise that they’re not going to get some dull, sprawling, ranty tract that will take all day to read when they see that there are a fixed number of reasons.  Plus it gives people that have failed to observe the name on the link or the website’s header the chance to say of any given post, “What, only seven?” and wear their own ignorance as a badge.   They seem to like doing that.

    On balance, I think the concept helps to attract an audience, but it isn’t the key to retaining them.  That’s the role of the content.  And all I need to do now is add the phrases “evolve viral experiences”, “synergize leading-edge web-readiness” and “drive front-end bandwidth” to this paragraph and then I can draw a cock on my own back and beat myself to death with an iPad.  Great question, Jon.  Thanks.

    JL: They don’t call me the young Michael Parkinson…actually, that sentence stops there. They don’t call me the young Michale Parkinson. In what will hopefully be a more enjoyable question to answer, which three posts, from the 500 plus that have been published, stand out in your mind?

    MF: 7 Reasons Not to Write on a Train stands out.  I really enjoyed writing that one, though it really sticks in my mind as a result of the epic battle I had to upload it from Essex the next day.  The friends that we were staying with had a broken internet connection that I could have fixed but they couldn’t remember their password.  Then it turns out that no establishment in Essex (apart from one place) had working WiFi.  Then the working WiFi in the place with the working WiFi stopped working just as I started using it, and many of the places that advertised WiFi weren’t there any more.  After six hours of trying to upload the piece from Essex I had to abandon my wife and friends to go to London to use the internet.  And to have a beer.

    7 Reasons We Love Propaganda Posters also stands out.  Just because there are websites out there that have accepted our posters and explanations as historical fact and there’s a part of me that finds that very funny.

    7 Reasons Sports Personality 2009 Was A Joke also stands out, mostly for the debate about sport in the 1990s that ensued in the comments section.  I don’t think you’ve ever researched anything as thoroughly as you did the sporting year of 1994 during that debate.  And then someone else we knew turned up and commented thinking that our website was The Guardian.  Fun all round.

    JL: And finally, what hopes do you have for 7 Reasons in the future?

    MF: Untold riches, tiramisu, world domination and minions; it’d be great to have some of them.  Oh, and a book deal.

    JL: Well best of luck with that Marc Fearns. Thank you for talking to us.

    MF: We’re welcome.

    Next week: In Conversation With Jonathan Lee!

  • It’s That SPAM Again

    It’s That SPAM Again

    7 Reasons To Borrow One Of The 7 Reasons Team

    It’s Sunday today, so we’ve taken our traditional day away from the reasoning-mine and, as they are often wont to do, our thoughts have turned to food. Now, some time back we brought you what we considered to be the ultimate SPAM recipe – Planked SPAM – but now we’ve unearthed something that has easily trumped Planked SPAM and knocked it into a cocked hat.  Whatever that means.  Brace yourself!  It’s…

    A SPAM advert with a recipe for SPAM and baked beans

    Yes, it’s SPAM ‘n’ Beans which is, apparently, exactly right for Saturday night (which is rather a shame as I took my wife for cocktails and to a really good concert in Northern Europe’s largest Gothic Cathedral last night (if only I’d seen this first)). It seems delightfully simple to cook, consisting as it does of two ingredients; SPAM and baked beans.  Simply place slices of SPAM in baked beans and cook them on the hob, then serve in some sort of dirty brown pot with congealed sauce oozing over the side.  Who wouldn’t be overjoyed to be served this?  It seems that the simplest recipes are often the most delicious.*

     

    *Sadly I’m the member of the 7 Reasons team that doesn’t eat meat and – as SPAM is a distant relative of meat – I can’t try it myself.  Any readers care to give it a go?**

    **7 Reasons will be back tomorrow, without any tummy trouble whatsoever.

     

  • It’s a Mystery

    It’s a Mystery

    Hi, Marc here.  Hope you’re having a great Sunday, I know I am.  Now.  But I wasn’t earlier on.  Because this morning, while I was fast asleep at 04:48, the 7 Reasons team received a tweet.  I know this because my head vibrated.  It turns out that my phone was between my pillows (which is not a euphemism for anything).  As the parent of a new-born baby my automatic response is just to deal with any event that wakes me up then and there.  Accordingly, I read the tweet.

    a tweet to @7_Reasons

    Okay, I’ve read the tweet.  There isn’t a screaming baby.  I’m going to go back to sleep now…wait…the Dutch?  What can this mean?  I know, it must refer to our most recent post.  What was that?  Um…got it.  It was 7 Reasons That Androids are Better Than iPhones.  They’re better because of the Dutch.  Great.  I can go back to sleep now.

    Wait!  That doesn’t make sense.  Dutch people are associated with orange, which is different to Apple and Orange is a phone network that Apple phones are available on but it’s French.  Nope.  This tweet can’t relate to the most recent post.  It must pertain to a different one.  What else have we done recently?  I know, 7 Reasons We Like Birthday Cards7 Reasons to Take a Spoon to Bed?  No, we don’t like birthday cards because of the Dutch.  And I fail to see why anyone would need to take a spoon to bed because of the Dutch, and if they do, I don’t want to know why. Not even a little bit.

    So it can’t be a recent post.  It must be another one.  What are our most popular posts?  7 Reasons That Series II of Downton Abbey Will be Even Better Than Series I. Yes, series II will be immeasurably better because of the Dutch.  They’ll come over from the Netherlands and enliven life at Downton no end with their tallness, nice cheese and liberalism and…no…that doesn’t seem right either.  7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Kayak Across The Pacific?  You shouldn’t kayak across the Pacific because of the Dutch?  Definitely no.  You shouldn’t kayak across the Pacific because of the giant squid and because it looks really hard.  Not because of the Dutch.

    Okay, I’ll think about it tomorrow.  I’ve only been asleep for a couple of hours and I’ll probably be woken up again soon, I’d better go to sleep.

    7 Reasons it’s Dangerous to Drive a Golf Buggy up the M4?  The Dutch don’t like golf buggies?  They become enraged when they see them.  Livid!  No.  7 Reasons That Women Shouldn’t Listen to Chaka Khan?  Because of the Dutch?  Has Chaka Khan ever cancelled a gig in Amsterdam?  Does Chaka Khan mean something vulgar in Flemish?  What can Chaka Khan have possibly done to the Netherlands?  It can’t be that.  Must.  Go.  To.  Sleep.

    Why don’t I know anything about the Dutch?  I know loads about America, and that’s much further away.  I know more about Italy too.  And Ireland.  Come to think of it, I know more about Mongolia than I do the Netherlands…and…oh bugger, the baby’s woken up again.  Must make the baby quiet.  Must make the baby quiet.*

    *Essentially there are two lessons to be learned here.

    1)  Never look at tweets when you should be sleeping.

    2)  Never have children.  They interrupt everything (including thinking about the Dutch).

     

  • 7 Reasons I Am The New Rebecca

    7 Reasons I Am The New Rebecca

    7 Reasons I Am The New RebeccaHello. Regular readers of 7 Reasons will know that on Sundays we do things a bit differently. Well, today is very different. What you are about to read is a job application. A live job application. We have a lot to get through so I’ve broken it down for you.

    If you are a regular 7 Reasons reader head straight to (A).
    If you are a POKE employee (particularly one who is in charge of hiring me) head to (B).
    If you are the person who keeps finding our site by Googling ‘hot woman’ your day has finally arrived. Just stare at the picture.

    (A) Yes, so this is a live job application for the position of Social Media Copywriter. Very briefly here’s what has happened so far. On Thursday the London-based agency POKE announced they’d be running a live recruitment process via twitter on Friday. The aim was to find a new Rebecca to replace the current Rebecca who is going off to play her recorder or something. This was poor timing on POKE’s part as I was at a wedding on Friday. So, I needed a plan. I set myself up as @TheNewRebecca and then requested a bit more time. Luckily, I got it. Which is why I am able to apply today. Right, got that? Good. Ignore (B) and read my job application.

    (B) Hello future colleagues. Some of you might be here because you are following @TheNewRebecca (good choice) others might be here because you’re doing the sifting process. Whichever it is I shall try and make this as painless as possible. So, sorry I couldn’t be with you on Friday for the live application process, I was at a wedding. The good news is I have no more Friday weddings in my diary this year so I will make it into work five days a week. Hopefully you appreciate that kind of commitment. Right, that’s the formalities out of the way, here are my responses to the tasks.

    #poketask1. We have two Thor premiere tickets to give away on Orange Film Club. Think up a comp & tweet how you’d announce it.

    Quick! Help Thor save #OrangeWednesdays! Upload your most rousing speech to http://on.fb.me/oowfc. The best wins two Thor premiere tickets!”

    #poketask2. Someone complains that @PizzaExpress was too busy on Weds because of #OrangeWednesdays. Extinguish their grumpiness in a tweet.

    Ah, the by-product of being a genius. We all turn out on #OrangeWednesdays I’m afraid. (PS: Fancy beating the queue next time? Book ahead).

    EDIT: On Wednesday 13th April, @TheNewRebecca decided she’d be clever. She tweeted, “Yet again Pizza Express is heaving because of #OrangeWednesdays. I need someone to extinguish my grumpiness.” Unfortunately this backfired substantially when some even cleverer bod hiding beneath the guise of @OrangeFilm promptly replied, “We tried to respond with your #poketask2 response, but alas, it was over 140 characters. tsk tsk. ;)”. Now, I was pretty damn sure it wasn’t. Attention to detail is something of a forte of mine. So I checked. And I was right. 139 characters. Perfect. But then it dawned on me. Not many people have a username as short as ‘@’. Not liking defeat, I replied, “My defence: Yes, my response is 139 characters leaving little/no room for a username. However, it’s a DM. More special that way.” But I knew I was pushing the boundaries. Thankfully the time was just gone 6pm. The deadline for entries wasn’t for another 24 hours. Time then to reword my #poketask2 response taking into account a 14 letter username (based on @TheNewRebecca). So, here it is. My new #poketask2 response:

    Ah, the by-product of being a genius. We all turn out on #OrangeWednesdays I’m afraid. (Psst: The really smart ones book).”

    #poketask3. Tweet three ways you’d get people to enter your competition from task one.

    1. Pop-up video on the Orange Wednesdays website showing Thor (probably me in a Thor-like costume) urging people to act if they don’t want the darkest forces of Asgard destroying Orange Wednesdays. This would also be posted on the Orange Film Club facebook page and tweeted via the relative Orange accounts.

    2. SMS alerts sent out to Orange customers telling them that the existence of Orange Wednesdays is under threat.

    3. Regular tweeting of incoming videos throughout the contest from @orangefilm and @orangethefeed.

    #poketask4. Oops. We just wrote ‘exited’ instead of ‘excited’ on our Facebook wall & everyone’s saying we’re half-baked. What do you do?

    I write: “And when I say ‘exited’, I clearly mean ‘excited’. It’s true, I am having severe problems with my ‘c’s today. You should count yourselves lucky though, already today I’ve been asked to leave the office twice because of problems with my ‘r’s.”

    #poketask5. Someone’s posted on Orange Film Club: “Tracy, you’re an idiot”. What you would do/say?

    It depends on the context. If I feel it could be construed as ‘banter’, I would leave it and monitor the conversation. If, on the other hand, it was clearly posted with malicious intent I would delete it and write a general reminder to everyone that we are a friendly bunch and abuse won’t be tolerated. There’s a place for that type of thing and that place is ITV2.

    Of course it could have been Tracy who posted the message herself. In which case she is an idiot and I would ‘like’ the status.

    #poketask6. Think up a sticky, smart hashtag for our new project all about personalised Royal Wedding memorabilia. (Yep, you read that right).

    #DuchyUnoriginals

    #poketask7. Righty. That’s today’s tweet-a-thon over. Anything else you want to let me know?

    Well yes, there is actually. I think this would be a good point to announce that my name isn’t really Rebecca. Nor do I own a pair of orange shutter shades or a splendid moustache. The finger though, is very much mine. So who am I? Well, when I’m not being The New Rebecca, I call myself Jon and one of my side-projects is this, 7 Reasons. The premiss of 7 Reasons is simple. To give seven reasons for something, every day. And that is what my co-founder Marc and I have done since latter 2009. Topics have varied from 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Date A Polar Bear to 7 Reasons You Should Not Kayak Across The Pacific Ocean to – just because it is mentioned in the tasks above – 7 Reasons To Have A Pizza Express Tattoo. Anyway, given that there were seven tasks, it seemed logical to use 7 Reasons. And it’ll also up our unique visitor count which will please Marc no end.

    And one final thing, just to show you I get results from innovative social media use, I met my fiancée by paraphrasing this guy.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: Excitement Has Arrived

    Russian Roulette Sunday: Excitement Has Arrived

     'Syphilis' 7 Reasons Propaganda Postcard

    When you look at the above, what do you think? I’ll tell you what I think. I think I’d like that on my wall as a poster. In a frame. A wooden frame. What a great talking point it would be. And an even better way of getting people you don’t really want in your house out of it.  I am sure you feel the same. And, because we feel the same, Marc and I have done something to accommodate our needs.

    Launching this week – after seven days, four hours and eleven minutes (approximately) of planning – is the 7 Reasons store. That’s right, a whole store dedicated to selling 7 Reasons branded goods. How marvelous. So whether it’s a t-shirt or a postcard or a… erm… another t-shirt, this is the place for you.

    Now, because we are nice and because we want to see someone walk around Brixton in a 7 Reasons tank top, we are offering you the chance to get 15% off your first order. All you have to do is send an email to [email protected] before 11:59pm tomorrow – (that’s 11:59pm on Monday 4th April 2011 for the easily confused among you). In return we’ll send you your coupon code which you can use at the checkout. Make sure you are following us on Twitter or Facebook to find out when the store opens. The links are up there. On your right.

    Okay, that’s enough for today. Someone wise once said too much excitement on a Sunday was bad for the heart. And they were right. See you in store soon.  

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: The Return Of The 7 Reasons Origami Team

    Russian Roulette Sunday: The Return Of The 7 Reasons Origami Team

    7 Reasons To Borrow One Of The 7 Reasons TeamAfter the success of last weeks poll in which a massive 79% of you said you would prefer to borrow Marc over me, I have decided to accept my place as the lesser member of the 7 Reasons team. I have also decided not to dwell on my humiliating defeat. Though it did hurt. A lot. But like I say, I am not going to dwell. Instead I am going to hand you ungrateful lot over to the 7 Reasons origami team.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons To Borrow One Of The 7 Reasons Team

    Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons To Borrow One Of The 7 Reasons Team

    7 Reasons To Borrow One Of The 7 Reasons Team

    Good morning Sunday. Usually on Sunday we rid ourselves of the strict seven reasons framework and let it all hang out. Today is slightly different. Without request, bargaining or bribery, former (and future) guest writer Richard O’Hagan decided to be nice to us. Now, 50% of the 7 Reasons team don’t go in for all this self-loving egotistical narcissism that is so prevalent on the internet. The other 50% can’t get enough. And because he is in charge this Sunday he has decided to share the nice things Richard said about us with you. For reasons best known to himself – though he did cite our week of cat flap/flat cap/flat cat borrowing – Richard has thoughtfully provided the world with seven reasons as to why one of you should borrow one of us. And here they are:

    1.  Technical Skills (IT). It must be obvious to anyone that the 7 Reasons team are technical geniuses when it comes to computer related stuff. Every now and then a post appears which is so laden with computer-speak that it is the written equivalent of being audible only to dogs, ergo they must know a lot more about this stuff than you or I. So the next time that your office computers crash, don’t wait for some numpty in Prague or Mumbai to diagnose your problem, simply borrow a 7 Reasons member to sort it out for you

    2.  Technical Skills (DIY). Look at that sofa! Isn’t it a work of genius? How much talent must be bottled up in these two guys, that they can produce something so seamless that you can hardly see the join (apart from the change in colour and style, obviously). Here are men so talented with a saw, screwdriver and hammer that the likes of Tommy Walsh weep in their presence (presumably). There is simply no reason to employ someone else to put up your shelves or build your decking when you can go to the very best and borrow Marc or Jon

    3.  Geographical Convenience. Better still, with one of them (Marc) being Oop North, and the other (Jon, by a process of elimination) Dahn Sarf, you can guarantee that a 7 Reasons expert is only minutes away (as even hours can be measured in minutes, too), thereby making them far more likely to show up and fix your problem than any other so-called expert

    4.  Lemons. One of my wife’s frequent complaints is that whenever I buy fish, I forget to buy a lemon for her to squeeze over it. 7 Reasons practically runs on the things, so why not borrow a 7 Reasons-er to do your shopping for you and avoid citrus-related domestic grief forever (unless your wife wanted limes. Or oranges)

    5.  Cats. Have you ever tried getting a cat sitter? It is almost impossible to find one for less than the cost of the holiday you were going on in the first place. And catterys cost even more. So why not borrow Marc, a self confessed tolerator of felines, to look after your cats whilst you are gone. There’s at least a 50% chance that he won’t try and feed them on lemons.

    6.  Empathy. At least one of the 7 Reasons boys is colour blind. At least one is married. If, like me, you are both colour blind and married you can really do with having someone to empathise with as your wife yet again complains that your shirt and trousers clash with one another. Borrow the 7 Reasons team and you have an instant set of shoulders (four, in fact) to cry on.

    7.  7 Bespoke Reasons. You just know that the 7 Reasons team spend all day, every day, wandering around in a highly-developed comedic haze, every fibre twitching to find the source of the next 7 Reasons post. If you borrow one of them, you will find that it is your life that 7 Reasons becomes based upon. Which, frankly, is even better than writing 7 of them for yourself.

    So there you have it. Well, almost. Due to the success of Thursday’s poll – which was won handsomely by “Fnuduhuh!” – we thought we’d give your fingers another chance to click on something. In line with today’s revelations, we are asking …

    [poll id=”3″]

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: It’s Cake!

    Russian Roulette Sunday: It’s Cake!

    Hello 7 Reasons readers!  It’s Marc here and today, dear readers, we would like you to make a cake.  This cake.

    It’s Oxfam’s Easy Lime and Ginger Cheesecake, the recipe for which comes from my local Oxfam Bookshop’s brilliant blog .  The recipe calls for the use of  Fairtrade Stem Ginger Cookies and, when you go to your nearest Oxfam shop to buy them, you’ll be giving money to a worthwhile cause.  That’s right readers, by making and eating an ethically sourced cheesecake (unless you buy mascarpone sourced from warmongering cheesemongers) you’ll be helping a good cause in an ethical way.  In fact, if we can all make and eat enough cheesecake, we can probably save the world, and I’ll be trying very hard.  Here’s the achingly simple recipe as published by Oxfam Books, Petergate York:

     

    Easy Lime and Ginger Cheesecake

    • Serves 4
    • Prep time: 15 min
    • Chilling time: 30 min
    • Basically, in 45 minutes you’re in business.

    Ingredients

    • 200g pack of Fairtrade stem ginger cookies, crushed
    • 50g butter, melted
    • 500g mascarpone cheese (they usually come in 250g tubs, so get two of these)
    • 40g icing sugar, sifted
    • Finely grated zest and juice of two limes

    Method

    1.  Mix together the crushed biscuits and melted butter (I also like to add a bit of sugar to my cheesecake bases to make them a bit jazzier) and press into the bottom of an 18cm (7inch) spring-sided or loose-bottomed cake tin.

    2.  Place the mascarpone cheese, icing sugar, lime zest and juice in a bowl and beat together. Spread this mixture over the biscuit base.

    3.  Put it in the fridge and chill for 30 min! That’s really it.

    That’s the entire recipe.  It’s basically spreading cheese on biscuits and it’s so simple that absolutelyanyone should be able to make it.   And now we’re going to demonstrate that even people with no food preparation skills, knowledge or aptitude can follow this recipe.  I’m going to hand you over to my writing partner: A man whose culinary education began and ended with learning how to boil water for tea:  A man who – before he moved to Kent – was known as The Fulham Poisoner: A man whose litany of culinary disasters includes failing at defrosting a chicken and the hospitalisation of a flatmate*.  He’s going to make a cheesecake himself and feed it to his fiancé Claire – a renowned and accomplished maker of cakes – who will judge it on appearance, texture and taste (should she survive).  Here’s Jon.

    “It was only when I was standing in the queue that I realised I had been well and truly duped. The idea of making a cheesecake and then eating it had originally sounded like a good idea, which is why I had agreed. Marc had, after all, said all it required was a spare half hour. In my book, that’s a fair exchange for cake. But as I stood there I realised it had already been twenty-five since I had left home and I hadn’t even purchased the ingredients. There was no way I could make a cheesecake in five minutes. Not there. And then I got to the till. Which is when I realised this idea was also going to cost me money. Just short of £5 in fact. That’s a lot to spend just to have something to write about. I couldn’t help but think if I had managed the past year and a half writing without having to pay for the privilege, why did this have to change? I trudged home.

    Having spread the ingredients in front of me and read the recipe, I realised this was the exact same cheesecake that Claire makes. And she makes it very well. Brilliant. So I’ve had to walk all the way the shops, spend the best part of a fiver on ingredients and now I am challenging my future wife by making one of her specialities. Perturbed, I carried on. Twenty minutes later I was left staring at the following creation:

    Making it was something of a doddle. What was not a doddle was the washing up. I don’t know how often you zest a lime, but cleaning the zesting part of the grater is quite possibly a harder job than watching England play cricket. Still, an hour later I was done. I also had lime poisoning from licking the bowl.

    The next part of this project – and that is very much what it had become – was to get Claire to profer her opinion. These are the results of the Claire survey.

    On Appearance: “That looks nice.”

    On Texture: “It’s nice.”

    On Taste: “That was very nice”.

    So there we have it. I make nice cheesecakes. I am sure your Sunday just got a whole lot better with that news.”

    *Which he denies.**

    **Falsely.

    ***As Oxfam Books, Petergate York would (and actually did) tell you themselves, remember the whole point of this recipe is that it is a Fairtrade recipe.  So help the global community during this Fairtrade Fortnight (and after) by buying Fairtrade goods as much as you can.

    the fairtrade fortnight logo

     

  • And The Winner Is…

    And The Winner Is…

     

     

    Hello!  Marc here.  It’s Sunday, and now that much of the sport has been watched, it’s time for me to sit down and sift through the entries for the awesome competition that we set last week.  We felt sure that the competition – and the brilliant prize – would inspire many of our readers to wit and brilliance and well, here’s the top three entries (out of three).

    In third place, with this entry is Chrissy Aram with:

    I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I could live next door to my brother.

    Now, I’m not entirely sure what to make of this.  Chrissy lives in England – which is already next door to France – so, unless her brother lives in Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Monaco, Andorra or Spain, this won’t work.  Plus there’s no cricket in France, she wouldn’t like that, and cricket is far better than brothers, as my sister will happily confirm.

    In second place is Rachel Simmonite’s entry:

    I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because it would be the ideal place to put my shoes, and it would be a good bargaining tool to help me take over Britain, then after that THE WORLD.

    Now, if I had feet half the size of Central Europe, I’d want somewhere to put my shoes too.  This is an entirely laudatory use of France.  Where Rachel’s entry falls down is the suggested use of the occupation of France to take over Britain, and then the world.  Or THE WORLD, as she shouted.  This has already been tried – by a monobollocular chap with a funny moustache – and it doesn’t work.  I appreciate that her plan differs somewhat to that of Herr Hitler, in that she intends to use France as a bargaining tool, rather than as a picturesque military base, but how would that work?  Would she issue threats?  “Give me the Isle of Wight or I’ll blow up Dieppe!”  I can already hear the massed voice of 60 million Britons saying, “Okay, blow up Dieppe then.  Whatever.”  “Give me the Queen or Nicolas Sarkozy gets it!”  “Bahahahahahha!”  The plan is fundamentally flawed.  Rachel is clearly the Wile. E. Coyote of the Win France competition.

    Winging its way in from Greece (where the exchange rate is 2.5 Greek words to 1 English word) is the final entry that we received – which is also our winner – by Ασπασία Ματθαίου (easy for her to say):

    I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I would be able to stop that awful film overdubbing business which is just wrong. Viewers should be allowed to enjoy actor’s real voices in the way that they actually speak them. Why would anyone want to listen to Orson Welles speak in a silly French tone? I know I wouldn’t. (Individuals formerly employed in dubbing would have to find a new job, in the field of foreign film criticism. Their criticism would have to be written in the language of the film in question. At least 5000 words of it. I think that’s fair.)

    Then I would pass a law whereby all taxi drivers in the area of the land formerly known as France would speak Greek. That would serve them right. And then everyone would be made to count and spell numbers correctly, in every known language in the world. Finally, that same law would clearly state to all taxi drivers that they would have to drive me to and from airports for free, eternally. (Hehehe. That would be great.)

    French politics and sport I would make sure remain the same for ever more. (Yes!)

    Just a final thought.  If my entry wins the competition I might just hand France to Jon. I think he will appreciate the prize better.

    So there you have it.  In a totally unexpected outcome to our competition, France has been won and her new owner, as a result of Ασπασία’s generosity, is my writing partner, Jonathan Lee.  I’d like to thank everyone that entered and, now that France is under new management, I’d like to wish her citizens good luck.  They’ll need it.  And Jon, you may now sally forth across the channel and claim France*.  Though please get your posts for the week out of the way first, I’ve rather a lot on.

    *Remember to put an English-Greek dictionary into your suitcase of baked beans and ginger nuts in case you need to use a taxi.  Oh, and it’s thé au lait you want.  The other brown stuff is something called coffee that you won’t like.