Author: 7 Reasons

7 Reasons I Can Never Get Mothering Sunday Quite Right

1. The Name. My Mother is a traditional Mother. She takes two steps back if I say the wrong thing. And the wrong thing is Mother’s Day. “It is not Mother’s Day, Jonathan. It is Mothering Sunday.” Yes Mum.

2. Cards. Apart from having to ignore all the cards which say Happy Mother’s Day in the search for one that says Happy Mothering Sunday, I can never find one which doesn’t make me sound completely effeminate. I am quite happy telling my Mum she is the greatest in the world (because she is), but goodness knows what she must be thinking when I hand her something that says, ‘You are the blooming flower of my Spring, the sunshine of my Summer, the tumbling conkers of my Autumn and the turkey of my Winter’.

3. Flowers. My Mum likes flowers. I believe it’s a female thing. The problem is I can never remember which flowers my Mum likes. Sure she’ll say she likes everything, but I know for a fact that that isn’t quite true. She does have her favourites and she does tell me a day or so after the Mothering Sunday flowers have died. So why can I never remember what she said 350 days later? It’s one of life’s cruelties.

4. Music. As well as flowers I like to buy my Mum a gift. In recent years I have taken to buying her a CD. She likes The Hollies and Herman’s Hermits. My inability to mentally separate one from the other means she now has four copies of Herman’s Hermits Greatest Hits. Five if you are reading this after Sunday.

5. Household Chores. It’s not that I am bad at the ironing. Or the washing up. Or the drying up. It’s just that it is a Sunday. And on Sundays there is invariably sport on the TV. I have a habit of watching sport. Until, that is, I hear the opening of an ironing board, upon which I jump from my seat and race to the utility room where I find my Mum doing the ironing that I would eventually have started when the game had finished. On telling her to go and sit down she says, ‘No, I don’t want these being done at 7pm’. So I leave.

6. Cooking. Apparently burning doesn’t go down too well. The really frustrating thing is that when I cook for myself I never have any problems. Put a hungry woman in front of me though and I lose the plot. This year I am going to cook for myself on Friday, freeze it and reheat it on Sunday. What could possibly go wrong?

7. I’m Not There. This is probably the thing I get wrong most of the time. It is so much harder to cook the dinner, do the ironing and give her flowers when I am not actually in the same house. Ah well, there is always next year.

March 12, 2010
7 Reasons Not to Revisit Old Football Management Games

1. It’s unproductive. When you’re playing a current Football management game, you can at least try to justify spending all of the time engaged in a trivial activity by reassuring yourself that you’re gaining invaluable insights into the modern game. All you’re learning by re-visiting an old one is how good everyone used to think Gary O’Neill would become.

2. Guilt. You’ll feel guilty about re-visiting an old game. And so you should. You now know who most of the promising players in the game are – this is much like insider dealing on the stock markets – and you’ll feel so guilty about this that you’ll set yourself ridiculous challenges within the game. Trying to build a Premier League winning team entirely from Belgian players; trying to win the FA Cup with an entirely left-footed team; winning the Champions League with a team of players with silly names (Raphael Wicky, Chung Yoo-Suk, Bernt Haas and Olivier De Cock are always the first names on the team-sheet); trying to qualify for the World Cup with an all-Scottish team – the guilt-induced-absurdity is endless.

3. Wayne Routledge. Your Premier League team’s bête noire will be Wayne Routledge. He’ll be awesome whenever you play against him. Yes, the same Wayne Routledge that wouldn’t even get into a Premier League team picked by his own mother. “Wayne Routledge. Wayne Routledge!” will be the tortured and incredulous cry that accompanies your heaviest defeat of the season.

4. Management. The managers do weird things in old games. Arsene Wenger spends money on players, Fergie retires, Steve McLaren is English (I couldn’t resist this video), Rafa Benitez picks a squad using logic and Steve Bruce doesn’t frighten small children.

5. Imagination. Because the old game develops very differently to current real-life football, you have to keep track of them both in your mind. So you now have two Peter Crouches, both a real Peter Crouch and an imaginary one. Do you really need an imaginary Peter Crouch?

6. Match Of The Day. Settling down to watch Match Of The Day becomes a confusing experience after you’ve been playing an old game for some time – it’s like watching The Twilight Zone. All of the wrong players are playing for all of the wrong teams, all of the wrong teams are in all of the wrong leagues, all of the wrong scorers are scoring at all of the wrong ends yet Alan Shearer still can’t find a decent shirt. Where the hell is he shopping?

7. Internationals. I wasn’t managing them, but England won the 2010 World Cup. Wayne scored a hat-trick in the final against Italy. Wayne Routledge. Wayne Routledge!

March 11, 2010
7 Reasons To Name Your Son Troy

1. Looks. When you think of the name Troy, you probably think of the film which starred Brad Pitt as Achilles. Or Stingray which starred Troy Tempest as a puppet. Both are handsome chaps so I am told. (Troy Tempest – who went on to be Scott in Thunderbirds – was modelled on James Garner). Even if your son is a bit odd looking in reality, he will be sex on legs by association.

2. Meaning. Troy means ‘descendant of a footsoldier’. If he has pride in his heritage you won’t have to waste money on blister plasters.

3. Brand. The name Troy is ready made for a multi-national corporation. You can imagine your son growing up to be the new Donald Trump. Troy Towers. Troy Holidays. Troy Trains. And the really good news is that www.mynameistroy.com is currently available.

4. Respect. The name is cool. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. In a class full of Jacks and Toms and Richards, Troy will stand out. Everyone will want to be his friend. He’ll probably be the new Danny Zuko.

5. Intimidating. As well as being a cool name, it will also make people cower. ‘I am Troy’ sounds so much more demanding than, ‘I am Justin’. We don’t live in a perfect world. People will look at Troy’s CV and think, ‘I better employ this guy or else he’s going to come looking for me.’

6. Friends. Parents of Troy’s friends will immediately suspect you as being weird for giving your son such a bizarre name. I accept that this may not sound like a convincing reason, but surely it is better for them to think you are weird and then discover you are not than to think you are normal and then discover you are in fact loons.

7. Mother-in-law. This doesn’t affect me so much as I have a habit of getting on well with mothers, but if you do dread the idea of visiting the mother-in-law I imagine calling her grandson Troy will mean you are only invited round once a decade.

March 10, 2010
7 Reasons to Paint Your Front Door Orange

1. Be unique. No one has an orange front door. Have you ever seen one? No, nobody has. Having an orange front door would mark you out as an individual – like wearing a pointy-hat or carrying a piano-accordion, but less embarrassing.

2. Annoy the neighbours. Painting your front door orange would annoy your neighbours. Their houses would be completely overshadowed by your own, which would become the dominant feature of your street. When giving directions to their own home, your neighbours would have to refer to yours, “You can’t miss it, it’s two houses down from the one with the orange door…”. They would seethe, inwardly, every time they mentioned it, and perhaps frown too.

3. View. Your house would have the best view of your street, as it would be the only one that you definitely wouldn’t be able to see the orange door from.

4. Visibility. Have you ever got drunk and become lost on the way home? I have. Not totally lost – I’m at home now, but lost enough to find myself on the other side of town at 5am heading in the wrong direction – possibly towards Budapest. With an orange door you’ll at least have a fighting chance: If you are able to find your street, you’ll be able to find your house.

5. Friends. It won’t just be you that can find your house. Your friends will be able to find it more easily too. They’ll come and visit more often. The exasperatedly-intoned phrase “I know it’s one of the ones down here on the left” would be heard no more and would probably be replaced with the phrase “Good god! There it is”. You’ll be more popular.

6. Drunk people. It’s a well known fact that alcohol lowers inhibitions, so your curiously coloured door would probably attract the attention of gregarious drunk people. This is great, as drunk people can be fun. They’re often generous and happy to share their tipple of choice with others, usually after declaring their undying love and friendship. So now your friends will come and see you regularly, and drunk people will visit you too, probably bringing beer with them. That’s a party. Woohoo!

Dutch People

7. Holland. It’s a well known fact that Dutch people are crazy about the colour orange, so you’d probably be inundated with your local Dutch population. Dutch people are fantastic. They’re tall, which is more space-efficient than being fat, and they speak many languages, making them brilliant at communicating with your friends and the drunk people at your constant house-party. Also, if the national stereotype is even remotely true, they will probably have drugs with them. And pornography. So, with the booze, the drugs, the drink and the porn, you’ll soon find that you aren’t just having a party, you’re having an orgy. In fact, you’re a bit like Hugh bloody Hefner*! And all because you painted your front door orange.

*Our legal team has asked us to point out that Hugh bloody Hefner does not have an orange door.

March 9, 2010
7 Reasons Radio DJs Annoy

1. Singing Along. Why do some DJs seem to think they are also singers? I don’t mind them singing along to Phil Collins’ version of You Can’t Hurry Love – indeed I’ll be doing the same – but please switch the mic off first. Or at least get one of the funky little voice boxes that makes you sound like an alien. That would be cool.

2. Talking Over Tracks. Usually when the DJ has got bored with all the singing along, he or she will fade out the track so they can talk over it. And usually its not even a comment about the song. It’s to tell us that they have just been given a coffee. And a plain digestive. Thanks. That’s really interesting. Though next time perhaps you could just interupt Phil Collins if we are being invaded by the French or the traffic reporter has just whipped her bra off.

3. Inane Comments. Why do DJs feel the need to impart some sort of wisdom after every song? This morning I had the mispleasure of catching the last five minutes of Sarah Kennedy on Radio 2. (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher & Higher by Rod Stewart was just coming to the end which prompted Kennedy to say, ‘Be careful. You’ve ruffled my tutu.’ Not only did I not understand where this comment had come from, the thought of it made me feel quite ill.

4. Questions. Does anyone actually answer when the DJ says, ‘Hello. How are you?’ or ‘Have a good weekend?’ If you do I think you will be recaptured soon, so just sit tight.

5. Humour Bypass. Most DJs think they are funny. They are not. Steve Wright particularly annoys me. There was a time when I found him quite amusing. I think this must have gone to his head because these days he seems to think he is getting funnier by the hour. Someone should really tell him funnier and fatter are two very different things.

6. See You Tomorrow. No you won’t. That is a stupid thing to say. The only thing you will be seeing is a microphone and a set of headphones. The only thing I will be seeing is a radio. You don’t even know I exist. I mean nothing to you. You don’t even know my mother’s maiden name. So stop talking to me as if you do.

7. Responding To Lyrics. Note to DJs. It is not always necessary to try and improve a song by answering or pre-empting lyrics. When Brandon Flowers sings, Are we human or are we dancer? I really don’t need you to fade the music down a bit and say, ‘Can’t we be both?’ Nor do I like it when you play Take That and you feel the urge to say, ‘Sing up Robbie’. Just shut up, play your records and go to the news. That’s all you need to do.

March 8, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: How To Write A 7 Reasons Post

Since the inception of 7 Reasons, we have – as often as possible – given our Saturdays over to one of you. It helps mix it up and I am sure it’s always good to have a different tone of voice to enjoy your breakfast with. However, the feedback we always get from our guest writers is, ‘it was really hard to think of 7 reasons’. The answer we usually get from people we approach to write for us is, ‘no, I won’t be able to think of 7 reasons for anything’. Well by way of an education, this is my attempt at showing you how it can be done.

1. Everything is a possible subject. Wherever you are, look around you. (Though come back to the screen in 10 seconds because I still require your attention). Whatever you can see could be a subject. A vase. A chair. A window. A packet of chocolate digestives. Just pick one.

2. Question Time. Ask yourself questions about your chosen subject. Let’s say it’s a vase. (I haven’t thought about this before. I am writing it as I go. If it goes horribly wrong I’ll rewrite using biscuits, but that won’t happen because I have faith in my ability to write about vases). a) What would I do to that vase to make it better? b) Why is it made out of glass? c) What else could it be used for?

3. Answer your questions. a) Make it bigger. Make it stronger. Paint it a different colour. b) Because cardboard would get damp. Because that’s what glassmakers make things out of. c) Holding pencils. Carrying water. Carrying petrol. Knocking a robber over the head.

4. Analysis. Which answers do you like better? Which do you feel you could write most confidentally about? Which answers did you enjoy writing more. For me, it was probably the answer to ‘c)’.

5. Conclusion. Work out what you’ve written. In this instance I have written down four uses for a vase. Well I can’t do, 7 Uses For a Vase, the poxy website is called 7 Reasons. How am I going to get reasons in there? Play around with it. Make different words the subject of your title. 7 Reasons To Use A Vase. 7 Reasons A Vase Is Useful. 7 Reasons To Own A Vase. And there it is. 7 Reasons To Own A Vase.

6. Expand. You already have four reasons for this. Okay so carrying water and carrying petrol are very similar so maybe that’s one reason. You need four more. What’s the obvious reason? To put flowers in. At this point you’re probably thinking that’s not funny. That’s because it’s not. So twist it. What would happen if you didn’t have a vase and someone bought you flowers? Where would you put them? In the plug hole? Probably not. That’ll be a nuisance when doing the dishes. In a glass? A cocktail umbrella is probably better. That’s four reasons. What else could you use it as? Again look around. It’s sunny. You could use it to magnify the suns rays and make a small fire. That chair, the leg is a bit wobbly. Put the shorter leg in the vase. Look at the vase. The shape of it. It makes your face look a funny shape. A bit like those funny mirrors at fairgrounds. What a great way to keep the children entertained. And for free! I don’t have children? So what? We don’t mind lies. This isn’t the Chilcott enquiry.

7. Shape It. Suddenly you have your 7 reasons. Write them out. Keep them short(ish). Decide an order. The more obvious reasons first, the wild ones later. Above all though, be you and be your writing style. Then send it to us. Done.

And that is all there is to it. You want a go now don’t you? Good. We’ll look forward to reading it. (Oh, and if you want to use us to plug your business/blog/twitter account, well Jon is quite happy to take payment, write your reasons and put your name on it. Just don’t tell Marc).

March 7, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Women Are Better Than Men

A few weeks ago we had Emily Clifford on our sofa showing us how it is done. Her post on reasons why men and women shouldn’t converse proved very popular – with women. Because we like women we thought we’d invite Emily back. Unfortunately she has gone AWOL in the Blue Mountains this weekend. Before she went though, she left a note for us under one of the sofa cushions. Jon’s side. It said if we wanted to continue the theme of making women feel superior to men we should speak to her sister. Well one thing led to another and before we knew where we were we found Natalie Clifford clawing at the sofa. We’ve allowed her to stay for the day in exchange for a hugely popular post about the brilliance of man. This is her effort. Oh dear.

1. Looks. It’s not my job to say who designed man and woman, but whoever it was clearly had a deadline and spent 97% of their time on the female body. And they have done a pretty good job with it. As for the man, well it looks as if they had a few left over bits and just cobbled it together. That penis thing. I don’t get how it could have gone so wrong.

2. Communication. Women are good at this as they can put words together to form sentences. Men are useless. Their favourite word is, “nothing”. As in, “What are you thinking about?”

3. Leaders. Men may like to think they are the head of the family but if they were why do they have to ask the woman to do something?

4. Multi-tasking. Men think multi-tasking is watching the football, drinking beer and looking after the remote control. In fact it is doing the ironing while cooking the dinner while helping son number one with his homework while telling son number two off for pulling daughter number one’s hair while she was asking mother if she could have a friend to play.

5. Better friends. When a man starts dating a woman, whose friends do they hang out with more? Yes, the woman’s. And when they get married, whose friends do they stay in contact with? Yes, the woman’s. Half the time a man’s friends don’t even know he has got married. They just think he went to the pub toilet five years ago and didn’t come back.

6. Memory. A woman can remember things like dates. And phone numbers. And names. And ages. And what school the children go to. And what the children’s names are. Men can’t even remember whether they wear glasses or not.

7. Vision. I am not sure what it is about men and their inability to see dust. I don’t adhere to the belief that they just can’t be bothered to clean, I honestly believe they are blind to dirt. Unless it’s on their shirt. In which case they give it to the woman to clean.

March 6, 2010
7 Reasons The New Radicals Should Have Done Their Research

1. Did the Captain of the Titanic cry? No he didn’t. In those days it was seen as a sign of weakness. Eye-witnesses have said he looked calm and in control. Which is quite impressive when you consider he had just smacked into an iceberg and ruined a brand new ocean liner.

2. One day I’ll go dancing on the moon. As good as You Get What You Give was, I doubt the royalties will get you to the moon. The Moon Bar in Nevada maybe, but not the moon. And dancing in gravity boots? By yourself? Seriously?

3. Someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain. No we won’t. We know now. It can’t. Only tectonic plates can do that stuff when they grind against each other rhythmically. And that is not love. It’s sluttish behaviour.

4. Someday we’ll know why the sky is blue. When light from the sun enters our atmosphere it collides with nitrogen and oxygen atoms. The colours with the shortest wavelength are scattered the most. Those colours are blue and violet. Our eyes are more sensitive to blue than violet. Thus we see the sky as blue. Next please.

5. Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you. You are a man. I am a man. You like girls. I like girls. It’s pretty straightforward.

6. I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow. Don’t tell me, you also gave some recently orphaned Nigerian your bank details? You’ve been conned. You should pay attention to internet scams more.

7. Someday we’ll know why Samson loved Delilah. Well who doesn’t? After It’s Not Unusual, it is Tom Jones’ finest song.

March 5, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Share a Bed With Me

Hi, I’m Marc. I’m half of the 7 Reasons team – the one with the feet. Some of you probably imagine that after a long day on the 7 Reasons sofa, in the manner of Laurel and Hardy or Morecambe and Wise, Jon and I put on our jim-jams and nightcaps and retire to the 7 Reasons bed for some hard-earned slumber. This is not true, please un-think it. The reality is, in fact, more bizarre than that.

I would just like to make it clear that today’s 7 Reasons post is not 7 reasons that you shouldn’t share a bed with our website, and it isn’t 7 reasons that you shouldn’t share a bed with Jon (you’ll probably have your own reasons for that), it’s 7 Reasons that you shouldn’t share a bed with me – sorry if that upsets any plans.

1. Reading. I read in bed. My bedtime reading matter of choice is often a large, heavy, hardback biography or a similarly weighty historical tome. Consequently, holding a book tires my arms – especially when I’m fidgeting (I do a lot of fidgeting) between positions. At some point I will use the nearest person as a book-rest – their head is the most practical place to rest my book as it is at my eye-level. I’m told that this is annoying.

2. Decapitation. I like to have two pillows to myself – one placed on top of the other. In my struggle to get comfortable/block out sound/block out light/keep my head warm/move into the night’s eighty-third position, I often place my head between the pillows. I find this position comfortable. If you wake up sharing a bed with me, you will briefly believe that you are sharing the bed with a headless man. This will startle you. Every time.

3. Radio. I listen to the radio in bed – BBC Radio 5Live’s Up All Night programme – it keeps me informed, educated and entertained while I am failing to sleep. This is fine until 2:40am on Wednesdays. That’s when Cash Peters is on. That’s when the sound of my (poorly) stifled laughter will wake you up. You will probably wonder why tears are streaming down my face; you’re likely to wonder why I’m biting the duvet (this is for your benefit, you’re welcome); you may wonder if I’m having a funny turn; you will definitely wonder if the spare bed is unoccupied.

4. Soft toys. If I should find a cuddly-toy in, or even near, the bed, I feel compelled to tuck it in. If you are not expecting to wake up flanked by a slumbering bear, a recumbent penguin, a sleepy elephant or a dozing handbag (I get confused in the dark), it can be quite disconcerting.

5. Curling. Not everything I do in bed is annoying. I often curl up into a tiny ball under the covers. This hampers my breathing somewhat, so I fashion myself a small air-hole in the side of the duvet and poke my nose out through it. This, I am told, is one of the cutest things in the world. And it probably is, right up until you try to move my painstakingly-positioned sheets. Then you’ll find yourself involved in a life-and-death tussle for control of the duvet. And I always win.

6. Experimentation. During the night many important questions will pop into my head, prompting me to experiment on the nearest sleeping person. What if I poke my finger in her ear? What if I blow in her eye? What if I drip water on her forehead? What if I tie her hair to the headboard and shout “Boo!?” What if I loudly mimic her breathing pattern for several minutes then stop abruptly? What if I coo like a pigeon and flap the top of the duvet around? The possibilities are limitless.

7. Sleep. Eventually, I will wear myself out and fall asleep. Don’t think that’s where the fun ends though. It’s then that I think up entire 7 Reasons posts that make no sense at all and get chased around the house by a horse. As I flee the dream-horse my legs will flail and I may emit noises – I might even say, “Crikey, a horse!” again. I have also been observed barking like a dog and trying to dig a hole in the mattress with my front paws…er…hands. I meant hands. By this stage, you may not know what time it is, but you’ll probably decide that it’s time to get up, which is great as I’d love a coffee.

March 4, 2010
7 Reasons Jumping Up And Down In The Shower Is Silly

1. Ceilings. Showers generally have them. There is a reason for this. You don’t want to give plane users a good show do you? And if you do there are places for that sort of stuff. But I digress, smashing your head on the ceiling. Not clever.

2. Long hair. This mainly applies to girls and the French rugby team. Your long hair could quite easily get wrapped around the shower head. Then what are you going to do? Pulling is going to hurt. Scissors are rarely within reach. You are probably just going to have to stay there.

3. Slippery. Assuming you have actually switched the water on and you haven’t gone in the shower with your anti-slip hiking boots on, the tray isn’t going to be the safest place to jump around in. One false landing and there is no knowing where the soap may end up.

4. Design. A shower was simply not made to withstand the sheer force of someone jumping up and down in it. The tray will only take so much pounding before it cracks. And what with water being water and gravity being gravity, it isn’t going to be long before your lounge has a new water feature.

5. Sweat. Doing exercise, as jumping up and down in the shower could be classed as, produces sweat. The point of going into the shower is to get rid of stuff like sweat is it not? So jumping up and down in the shower is about as logical as taking your bike for a walk.

6. Muscle Injury. Generally speaking people do not warm-up before entering the shower. This means their muscles are cold. Contrary to popular opinion, getting under a hot shower doesn’t have the same effect as stretching. The pinging and twanging of hamstrings is only a matter of time away.

7. It looks weird. What? Do you really need me to explain why?

March 3, 2010