Author: 7 Reasons

7 Reasons To Get On The Wrong Train

1. For A Seat. Why is it that whenever you get to your train it’s full and the one on the opposite platform is empty? Every bloody time it happens. You end up having to sit with some woman from Birmingham. Every bloody time. Get on the wrong train. Get a seat. Get a woman from Worcester.

2. For Thinking Time. You’re going to be late for work anyway. You always are. The excuses are wearing thin. Your dog can’t die every morning. He’ll get bored lying. Getting on the wrong train gives you more thinking time.

3. For First-Class Travel. Get on the wrong train and travel first-class. You may as well, you’re going to get chucked off anyway. May as well get chucked out of comfort when you’ve had your free tea and newspaper.

4. For The Adventure. The Unknown. Where will you end up? Will you get on the Love Train or the Midnight Train To Georgia? Or will you end up in Luton. It’s like Russian Roulette. On trains.

5. For The Journey. The journey is always better than the destination. Remember all those school trips? The coach trip was always so much better than the actual Geography fieldwork you had to do in the…erm…field.

6. For Escapees. The likelihood is that you aren’t reading this in prison, but if you are – and you are lucky enough to escape – it is worth remembering that if you don’t know where you are going, you can be sure no one else does.

7. For A Different Time. Who says it is the wrong train? It might be the right train and just the wrong time. So okay, I suppose that does make it the ‘wrong train’, but it isn’t necessarily the wrong train. If you catch my drift. Or should that be train? Either will do. Do you? No, I can’t remember what I asked either.

April 7, 2010
7 Reasons That Looking Like A Horse Shouldn’t Be A Barrier To Success

Do you look like a horse? Some people do (most horses do too, but we’re not anticipating that many of them will be reading this). There’s no reason that it should be a barrier to a successful or fulfilled life though, as these horse-faced people demonstrate.

1. Jerry Seinfeld looks like a horse. This hasn’t held his career back though. His eponymous sit-com is the most successful comedy show of all time. Jerry Seinfeld made a fortune from it, and he was the least funny thing in it, being upstaged by all of the other cast members. Perhaps his success – relative to that of the other cast members – is because people’s expectations are lower when it comes to performing horses. After all, if a horse multiplies 6 x 7 using its foot, we marvel at it. If a person does it, we cross the road and hope they haven’t spotted us. Forty-two, by the way, in case you were wondering.

2. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. All horses, in fact. Yet she’s been phenomenally successful as Carrie from Sex and the City. This is despite: 1) Looking like a horse: 2) Being completely divisive in her appeal. The Sarah Jessica Parker Paradox is this: Most women find Sarah Jessica Parker attractive, yet no man finds Sarah Jessica Parker attractive. She’s not desirable to men in the least. Women, however, can’t understand her lack of appeal to men and never believe that men don’t find her attractive. If you’re a woman, you probably don’t believe it right now, so we should test this notion. Women, you have my permission to leave your computer for a moment and go and ask the nearest man if he finds SJP attractive (don’t get distracted by something and forget to come back). Back now? Good. See, I told you. There may be an explanation for this phenomenon.

When they’re growing up, what do most girls want? A pony. What do most boys want? Not a pony. This is why women find SJP so attractive. Somewhere, in a subconscious throwback to their girlhood, women still want a pony, and find themselves inexorably drawn to Sarah Jessica Parker. Men, who spent their boyhood not wanting a pony, do not. What men want is one of the other lead characters from Sex and the City, or a combination of all three of them. Perhaps in a haystack, or a corner-bath.

3. John Kerry looks like a horse. Despite this, he was a highly-decorated military officer and a high-profile member of the anti-Vietnam-war movement. Okay, so George W. Bush retained the presidency when Kerry fought him in the 2004 election, but being defeated by Bush is no measure of failure. After all, George W. Bush attained the presidency in the 2000 election – an election which Al Gore won.

The Princess Royal & Hound

4. The Princess Royal looks like a horse. Despite this, she’s been the greatest Princess Royal of all time. We’re not entirely sure what Princess Royals do, other than looking equine and telling the hoi-polloi to “naff off”, but she’s very successful at it.

5. Nicholas Cage looks like a horse. He looks more like a horse with every passing year. From his early days, acting terrifically in a series of brilliant and often quirky films, to his later career, acting badly in a series of vacuous and often inane films, he has grown steadily more equine. To be fair to him, in his latest film, Kick-Ass, he was brilliant; he plays a horse with a false moustache. He was also in the film Honeymoon In Vegas with Sarah Jessica Parker. They may have been in Sea Biscuit together too.

6. Ruud Van Nistelrooy looks like a horse. Like all Dutch people, he’s quite tall (he’s 18.3 hands high) and he’s used that height to great effect, his aerial prowess has helped him earn a fortune from football and become the second highest scorer in Champions League history. Here he is pictured with his great rival Alan Shearer.

Camilla Parker Bowles (right) and horse.

7. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, looks like a horse. This didn’t stop her displacing one of the world’s most celebrated beauties in the affections of the heir to the throne though. Perhaps Prince Charles is the exception that proves the Sarah Jessica Parker Paradox?

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*Thanks to sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com for the SJP pictures.

April 6, 2010
7 Reasons It Takes 7 Songs To Tell You Who You Are

I’m a bit weird. I thought you should know. Sometimes I sit on the tube and listen to music. Nothing weird there I admit, but sometimes I sit on the tube, listen to music and decide to play a game. I switch on the shuffle function and decide that the next three songs will tell me what sort of person I am. So for example, Billy Joel’s Piano Man would tell me I am a musical instrument engineer. Now, the more observant of you will have noted that I am not. Which is why Piano Man never has been in the first three. It really is that accurate. So today, here are the first seven songs that emanated from my speakers after I had clicked shuffle. They tell you exactly the kind of person I am. That’s right. Weird.

Dancing In The Dark – Bruce Springsteen. I can’t dance. Switching the light off is always my first move. Admittedly this looks stupid at three in the afternoon and gets me in trouble when I am out clubbing*, but needs must.

Wings Of A Dove – Madness. That’s right, I’m vain. I don’t have wings, but I do have arms. I also find the sensual properties of Dove for Men Wing Lotion particularly welcoming.

No Words – Neil Diamond. This is generally what happens when my girlfriend asks me what I am thinking. Well, she got fed up with hearing the word, ‘Nothing’.

The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore – Robson & Jerome. Believe me, if your iTunes shuffled to Robson & Jerome while you were writing a piece entitled 7 Reasons It Takes 7 Songs To Tell You Who You Are, you would be hoping the sun ain’t gonna shine anymore. In fact you’d be hoping the world was going to end. Sharpish.

Yes – Coldplay. I’m a Yes man. In general, I’ll say yes more times than I say no. It creates opportunities and gives you new things to do with your life. Like thinking up 7 Reasons posts. Like writing 7 Reasons posts. Like editing 7 Reasons posts. Like getting annoyed because the 7 Reasons post you have just thought up, written and edited is actually rubbish. Like sticking pins into your Marc Fearns voodoo doll because you said yes to him last October.

Sussex By The Sea – Horsham Borough Brass Band. I am good at geography. To be honest I didn’t need the Horsham Borough Brass Band to give hints as to which Sussex they meant. But like them I like to clarify things. Like England By France. Or in a dream England Bye France. Or in an even better dream England Buy France, England Sell The French, England Send Gordon Brown, Germaine Greer and Janet Street-Porter Through The Channel Tunnel, Lock The Door And Melt The Key. Epic.

Waiting For A Star To Fall – Boy Meets Girl. Yes, I’m naïve. I also think the sky is going to fall on my head and Steven Gerrard is going to learn the words to the National Anthem before the World Cup starts in June.

*Yes, I have been known to go clubbing. I’m not all about tea and crumpets.

April 1, 2010
7 Reasons That Golf Is The Wrong Sport For Businessmen

Businessmen play a lot of golf, and business golf is a accepted part of business culture – there are even books about it. Here are 7 reasons that golf is the wrong sport for businessmen.

1. Location. Business takes place in the city – an urban environment – but golf takes place in the suburbs or in rural environs. Therefore, golf is in the wrong place. As a businessman, this means you have to travel to the golf course. What you need is a sport that you can play in cities, thus saving travel-time and expense. Snooker or pool would be ideal. After all, things always go better with a drink and you’ll have a big table that you can put your paperwork on.

2. Stuff. Golf requires an astonishing amount of equipment. There’s all manner of paraphernalia to lug around – so much of it, in fact, that you need to carry an enormous golf-bag, or hire a man to carry it for you. Some people even use electric buggies (a whole special car to convey golf equipment!). This is clearly ridiculous. Carrying your golf equipment around is incompatible with being businesslike. What you need is sports equipment that fits into a briefcase. A Frisbee is perfect.

3. Assessment If you compete against potential business partners over a few holes of golf, what are you really learning about them? That they don’t like to get their pink trousers muddy? That they can chat about very little while waiting to tee off? A more challenging sport will teach you far more about them. Rugby union, for example. You’ll learn far more about your potential business partner’s drive, desire, sense of ethics and commitment when he’s growling, biting your ear and trying to remove your testicles with his hand or when he’s spear-tackling your head of marketing. Rugby union is a team game. There’s no “I” in rugby union. Well, there is, but someone will poke it out sooner or later.

4. Clothes. Golf requires you to physically exert yourself. Golf also requires a different set of clothes than business. This means that you have to shower and change once your round of golf has finished. This is inefficient use of time. This is time you could spend working and earning money. Unless, that is, you earn your money in the men’s changing rooms, in which case…er…er…do carry on.

5. Women. You don’t see women heading out to the golf course to “network” or play “business golf”; they usually prefer to conduct their business at their business premises, and it’s quite hard to fault that sort of logic. If you’re playing business golf, you’re doing business very inefficiently – as you’re only meeting men. You need to be in an environment that’s agreeable to both sexes. I don’t know what that place is, but there must be at least one, even if it is always at the wrong temperature.

6. Length. Golf takes too long. It takes you out of the office for hours. If you must use the company’s time to participate in sport, you could find one that takes less time. 100 metre sprinting is a quick sport. Here’s how to combine it successfully with business: Walk to a point that’s 100 metres away from your desk, then run back to your desk as fast as you can; because that’s where you should be – at your desk – getting work done.

7. Displacement. Is your work really so dull and frustrating that you need to go to a field and repeatedly smack a ball with a stick? Aren’t you just avoiding work when you’re playing golf? If you didn’t hang around on the golf course “working”, then your actual working day would be so much shorter and you could spend your free time doing what you really want to do. Spending more time with your family or…er…playing golf.

March 31, 2010
7 Reasons It Sometimes Takes 7 Hours To Write 7 Reasons

Hour One. Have a cup of tea, watch the Australian Grand Prix highlights, remember I need to do something. Can’t remember what that something is. Drink tea. Remember that something is write a new 7 Reasons post. Reluctantly sit at desk and look around for inspiration. Rather worrying I have used everything in my room as inspiration before. This might be hard work today.

Hour Two. Come on Jon, get your act together and start thinking properly. It’s really not that hard to think of 7 Reasons. Just think of a topic. Watch the IPL for a bit and come back. You’ll have an idea in five minutes. 7 Reasons Lalit Modi Is A Twat or something. Five minutes later start on new post. 7 Reasons Lalit Modi Is A Twat. Genius.

Hour Three. This is getting ridiculous. The only reason I think Lalit Modi is a twat is because he has exploited the market and is making a shed load of money from it. I want to do that someday. That would make me a twat. I don’t like that idea much.

Hour Four. Okay, this is now officially ridiculous. I need to put this to the side and come back to it. I should go for a run and punch a few unsuspecting dog handlers. But it’s raining. A lot. I like running in the rain, but not when it’s raining. A lot. New idea: 7 Reasons To Run In The Rain. Erm…

Hour Five. This is getting beyond the ridiculous now. There are no good reasons to run in the rain. Only muppets run in the rain. That’s it! 7 Reasons Muppets Run In The Rain. Reason One: Because they are lazy and rain water will wash their shoes. Brilliant Jon, that is quite possibly the worst reason you have ever thought of. How about 7 Reasons You Can Tell A Lot About Someone From Their Running Preference? Am I writing a 7 Reasons post or a bloody thesis?

Hour Six. This is now officially beyond the ridiculous. Six bloody hours to write 7 poxy reasons?! I need help. Maybe someone on twitter can do this for me? Does anyone want to put me out of my misery and write tomorrow’s 7 Reasons piece for me? Five hours it has taken me so far. FIVE hours. Reply from @sophietonks Seven hours should make it the perfect 7 Reasons post then! Ooh! There is something in that! I can write about why it took so long to write today’s post. Thanks Sophie!

Hour Seven. I am going to make this idea work. It’s either this or I have to email Marc and tell him I can’t do this anymore. Open up my email account and start typing the message. Can’t bring myself to press send though. I’ll force this idea through. Somehow. I just need to remember what the hell I was doing six hours ago. I could just make it up. No one is going to know. 7 Reasons People Know You’re Lying. Why has it taken me seven hours to think of that? I could have probably written that in thirty minutes. I need tea.

March 30, 2010
7 Reasons To Replace Your Car With A Tank

1. Parking. Parking a tank is easy. You can park it wherever you like. You’re not going to damage it by clipping other vehicles – unless replacing your car with a tank catches on – and you’re not going to get a ticket for parking it illegally. This is because (unlike cars) tanks don’t have windscreen wipers, which is where traffic wardens put parking tickets. They can’t clamp you either, and your local traffic wardens probably won’t have a tank trap – if you live outside central London, that is.

2. Camouflage. Many tanks come with camouflage paintwork which – if, unlike me, you can spell the word “camouflage” correctly on your tank order form – is great. This means that you don’t have to look at the unsightly tank parked outside your house. You can also have many hours of fun by parking it in your driveway and watching the postman walk into it.

The unsuspecting postman, a split-second before the big surprise.

3. McDonalds. McDonalds is a popular fast-food outlet. There are thousands and thousands of them. You can only drive your car through a few of them though. But when you have a tank, every branch of McDonalds is potentially a drive-through branch. Feel free to do that, even if you’re not hungry.

4. Traffic. You may be surprised to learn that I’m not an expert on military hardware. One thing I do know though, is that all tanks come with a long pointy-tool at the front. It’s a fantastic feature that cuts down on road-congestion superbly. You just point it at things – pedestrians, aircraft, cyclists, other vehicles – and they move out of the way. Quickly! You may even end up with the whole road to yourself.

5. The school run. You know the game they play outside the school gates – the one where parents compete to see who can turn up in the largest, least appropriate vehicle for manoeuvring in an environment that contains small children? In a tank, you’re the winner. Unless, that is, another parent turns up with larger, more incongruous vehicle like an aircraft carrier or a Hummer.

6. Continental motoring holidays. Driving in Europe can be a stressful business, but not in a tank. In a tank you don’t have to fear Italian traffic, you don’t have to drive at a million miles-per-hour on the Autobahn and you don’t have to drive on the wrong side of the road – or even on the road at all. When driving through France you’ll find that entire towns and villages will come out to greet you offering kisses, bearing cheese and wine, throwing petals and waving drapeaux blanc. This is their instinctive reaction to the arrival of a tank, do not be alarmed.

7. Fuel. Tanks are very un-economical and their fuel-consumption can often be measured in gallons-per-mile, but don’t worry. When you replace your car with a tank you may find that you’ll spend less money on fuel. After all, Shell Petrol Station is not a request and they’ll probably let you fill up for nothing. They may even throw in a pasty and some Air Miles.

March 29, 2010
7 Reasons We Love Propaganda Posters

At 7 Reasons, we’re quite into war and propaganda, and recently, we’ve been putting together some bits and pieces that we’ve used propaganda posters in. We’ve looked at an awful lot of them in the past couple of weeks, and we were astounded at the amount of brilliant posters that we’d never seen before. We thought we’d show you some of the more obscure ones today. We’re sure you’ll agree that each one of them is a reason to love propaganda posters.

1. Tell Her Nothing (1940). Produced quite early into World War II, this extremely rare British poster proved so popular that as soon as the posters were put up, they would disappear – presumably stolen by amorous servicemen. This woman was a more popular pin-up than Vera Lynn in the early war years. We would tell her everything. And give her the blueprints (whatever blueprints are).

2. He Volunteered For Sperm Donation (c. 1945). Used by the Americans after the end of World War II, this poster encouraged virile men to donate their little swimmers to the wives and partners of soldiers killed in action. It was believed that a baby boom would help the economy recover.

3. Syphilis (c. 1944). A poster used mainly in the Dorset area during the build-up to D-Day. It was used to highlight the dangers of fraternising with the allies.

4. Who Smells Of Fish? (c. 1916). In World War I, rationing meant that some foods such as fish were only able to be eaten on Friday. Many citizens ignored this order though and ate their fish on a Thursday. This campaign was created to scare those who cheated by implying that if you ate fish early you would smell.

5. For A Happy, Healthy Job…(c. 1940). While the Battle of Britain was raging in the South-East of England, these posters were everywhere. Women were encouraged to organise themselves and head out into the countryside to search for German airmen that had been shot down and gone into hiding.

6. Women Of Britain. Direct Our Planes! (c. 1943). Due to the sun, it was hard for Allied pilots to focus on incoming German Bombers and Messerschmitts. The British devised a simple solution. They asked women to go out into the streets and point in the direction of the bastards. Our brave boys were able to look down and follow the direction of where the women were pointing. This simple but effective solution proved vital in winning the Battle of Britain.

7. Tell No One (1939). In the early days of WWII, during the phoney war, it was easy to become overwhelmed by the media’s portrayal of the enemy. This poster was issued by the Ministry of Health, to instruct British men on how best to deal with any psychological issues resulting from the constant media bombardment of war-stories.

********************UPDATE********************

Due to the popularity of this post, we have made this series of propaganda posters available for sale in postcard form in the 7 Reasons Emporium. There are also t-shirts.

March 27, 2010
7 Reasons You Should Always Kiss Properly

Please note, the proper way to kiss involves lip on lip action. No substitute will be accepted. Until you’ve finished reading this anyway. Quite frankly, I suspect you’ll all be so horny in two minutes time that you’ll want to go away and try the lot. I shan’t stand in your way.

1. Eskimo Kiss. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but you have no idea what your fellow kisser has up their nose. They could be suffering from a hideous cold. The impact of nose on nose could cause an embarrassing and traumatic experience for both of you. Especially if the words, ‘Bloody hell, it was a marble’ are soon heard.

2. Butterfly Kiss. It’s pretty obvious what can go wrong here. Eyelashes may become tangled. You will have to pull apart in a move reminiscent of a Christmas cracker. Who will end up with the extra eyelid?

3. Fishlips Kiss. Just so there is no doubt as to what I am referring to here, please see the photo above. Thanks. This is a particularly dangerous kiss as it may result in you sucking so hard on the inside of your cheeks that you actually bite a chunk off. You don’t really want that floating about your mouth while partaking in a little romance. It’s also a particularly awkward kiss as you both have to tilt your heads quite a long way. Neck strains are commonplace.

4. Earlobe Kiss. This is quite sensual. So long as earrings aren’t involved. Choking on such a thing completely spoils the mood.

5. Glasgow Kiss. As the name suggests, this a particularly romantic kiss. Also known as the headbutt. You’ve got to be really sure the object of your desire is a sadist before giving this a go. Either that or make sure he/she has something soft to land on.

6. Gum Kissing. This is a strange one. People – that’s us – have long had a fascination with pretending we have no teeth. (I imagine it must be the sound we make when trying to talk as opposed to the thought of our dentures floating in glass next to us). Really this is where such a fascination should end. Just you. On your own. Looking in the mirror. Under no circumstances should you try and kiss someone like this. Not only does it feel weird, it is an accurate representation of how kissing each other will feel in fifty years. Can you live your life knowing what is around the corner?

7. Vacuum Kiss. This is best tried when someone is least expecting it. Perhaps when they are driving a bus. However, this move is also the most dangerous of the lot. It is one thing distracting the driver, quite another sucking the life out of them.

*All information has been researched and verified by a kissing expert.

March 26, 2010
7 Reasons That Seven is the Wrong Number

1. Socks. Our washing machine broke recently. It was calamitous. I was down to my last seven socks when the washing-machine-man came and mended it – and seven is certainly the wrong number of socks. Only two of them matched each other – the pink ones. The other five were variously; ropey, frumpy, crappy, bobbly and greasy. Which reminds me.

2. Dwarves. Seven is too few dwarves for a good song: “Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it’s off to work we go” is the best you can expect from seven dwarves, and that’s rubbish. No one’s that jolly on their way to work (except dolphin trainers, and that’s not even a real job). But if you get a greater number of dwarves and paint them orange, they’ll sing “Ooompa-Loompa, doompadee-doo”, which are far superior lyrics that everyone can relate to. And they’ll make you some chocolate while they sing them.

3. Maths. Seven is a prime number, and it was while I was trying to come up with a mathematical explanation of a prime number that this occurred to me: We call maths maths. Americans call maths math. If we follow the logic of the British way of doing things, then surely mathematical should be mathsematical, mathematics should be mathsematics and a mathematician should be a mathsematician. But they’re not. This means that we are wrong and Americans are right – which is very, very, very wrong indeed. Thinking about the number seven made me realise this.

4. Viagra. When a man takes one Viagra pill, his penis assumes the shape of the number 1 for a considerable time. Therefore, if a man takes seven Viagra pills, his penis must assume the shape of the number 7 for a considerable time. I’m not sure why anyone would want a 7 shaped penis – unless they wanted to make love to someone round a corner – so it’s probably the wrong number of pills to take. I don’t know how taking 7 Viagra pills would affect a woman*, but I would advise against it; it may tousle the hair…or…something.

5. Human pyramid. Seven is the wrong number of people to construct a human pyramid. You can make one with six, but then the seventh person is just standing about, feeling left-out and unloved. Or it will lead to a human rhombus, and no one wants one of those.

6. Brides. Exhaustive research on Wikipedia has yielded the statistic that between 2% and 13% of people are gay. This means that, in the film Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, seven is the wrong number of brides. The brothers (0.14 to 0.91 of whom would be gay) would require 6.09 to 6.86 brides and between 0.14 and .91 additional grooms**. So, logically, the film should be called 6.09 to 6.86 Brides and Between 0.14 and 0.91 Grooms For Seven Brothers. I’m only about 85% sure that my calculations are correct but I am 100% certain that at least 50% of the 7 Reasons team now has a headache.

7. Reasons. It’s a well known fact that there are only six reasons for anything. Don’t just take my word for it. Ask Jonathan Lee, he’s an expert.

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*I’m not a real doctor

**Nor am I a mathsematician.

March 25, 2010
7 Reasons Text Abbreviations Are Confusing

Via: roadsidescholar.com

1. U2. As in, ‘I’m going to the festival! U2?’ Now what I understand from this is that someone is going to a festival. What I can’t work out is whether they are asking me if Bono is playing, if there is a submarine docking station nearby or whether I am going too.

2. LOL. As in, ‘Was great to see you today. LOL.’ Does that mean lots of love or are they laughing at me? Outloud? Are they being sarcastic? My Mum doesn’t want to see me again does she?

3. ATM. As in, ‘Hi. I’m in Barclays ATM. See you in five minutes.’ What?! How on earth did they get inside an automated teller machine? And how do they know it’s only going to take them five minutes to get out? Is this a regular occurrence? Oh good golly! I’m friends with a serial cashpoint raider.

4. PLZ. As in, ‘It would be great if you could join me plz.’ Again I’m very confused. Do they want me to join them at Port Elizabeth Airport or in a random German postcode (or Postleitzahl)? There is quite a difference.

5. TOY. As in, ‘I hope it goes well today. TOY.’ What is this? A name change? A new signature? Is it a new nickname for me? Do they just think I am a play thing? I’m being used. That means last night I was abused.

6. ENUF. As in, ‘ENUF is ENUF’. The Ethiopian National United Front is The Ethiopian National United Front? Why am I being told this? If I knew one I probably knew the other. Did my previous message imply that I was in a pub quiz? My brain hurts.

7. BOT. As in, ‘Anyway, BOT.’ Are they referring to me as a robot or do they just want to address my backside? Something that sounds quite painful in all honesty. Especially if they intend to use a franking machine. And what happens if they don’t want to treat it as first class? Because I do. I treat my backside with the utmost respect. But I digress, let’s get back on topic.

March 24, 2010