1.  Shape.  When the lid is on, the pen is oval-shaped and it puts me in mind of a rugby ball.  That should be a good thing as the Six Nations is on at the moment, but look at the colour.  It’s blue.  And it’s not even the dark blue of France, it’s light-blue, the colour of the Italian team.  Italy are the worst team in the competition – worse even than England.  This pen exudes the acrid stench of failure.  And I don’t...

1.  Riots. There is nothing the French like more than a riot. Half the time it doesn’t have to be about anything particular, they just like getting out there and giving it a go. They haven’t had one for a while so let’s give them something to riot about. I suspect, us invading – and the French Army waving us through - will work. 2.  Language. French is just very silly. What is it with everything having to be masculine or...

Sometimes, modern men just aren't as manly as they're told they should be. Here are seven reasons why.

1.  Cheery People. As soon as the sun comes out people start smiling and being happy. It’s so annoying. At least it seemed to be for the cashier in WH Smith yesterday. All I said was ‘Good Morning’ and she looked at me as if I’d just molested her cat. (Not that I know what that look is. Obviously). 2.  Chuggers. Or to give them their more politically correct name, tossers. Okay that maybe a bit harsh, but there are bloody millions of...

 1.  The bad-egg.  At any dinner party, at least one person will behave badly and annoy all of the other guests.  It’s always a man.  Often it’s me. 2.  Multi-tasking.  Women can multi-task – they demonstrate this by talking during films.  This means that they approach both hosting and cooking for a dinner party with confidence, which makes it all the more tragic when your tearful hostess returns from the kitchen bearing a...