7 Reasons

Tag: Youtube

  • 7 Reasons That I Hate The Mayor Of Vilnius

    7 Reasons That I Hate The Mayor Of Vilnius

    Unless you have been on the moon for the past few days (and perhaps even if you have) you will have seen this video of the mayor of Vilnius keeping the cycle lanes clear in his city by crushing illegally parked vehicles with a tank. This video has been everywhere.  And it’s annoyed me.  A lot.  Here are 7 Reasons that I hate the mayor of Vilnius.

    1.  The Mayor Of Vilnius Is A Liar.  The message in the video is that if you park in the cycle lane, the mayor of Vilnius will crush your car with a tank.  But he doesn’t have a tank.  Look at it.  Look at it!  It’s got wheels and there’s a distinctive lack of a huge gun at the front to shoot things with, tracks and other tank-y accoutrements that are the universally acknowledged signifiers that the vehicle is a tank.  That means that it’s not a tank. What it is, is an armoured personnel carrier.  What it is not, is a tank.  The mayor of Vilnius is fibbing.

    2.  The Mayor Of Vilnius Is In The Least Convincing Video Ever.  I have seen theatre sets that look less staged than this video.  I have seen ham actors less hammy than the acting in this video.  In fact, I’ve seen entire pig farms less hammy than the acting this video.  The man that gets “his” car crushed is the single worst actor that I have ever seen, and I’ve seen Piers Brosnan.  The video wouldn’t be less believable if it was narrated by Jeffrey Archer.  No it would.  But still, it’s not a convincing video.

    3.  The Mayor Of Vilnius Hates The Poor.  During the video, there are three examples of illegal parking.  In the first two, a Rolls-Royce and a Ferrari are illegally parked and are not run over by the mayor of Vilnius in an armoured personnel carrier.  A third illegally parked car (a knackered old Mercedes worth almost nothing) is run over by the mayor of Vilnius in an armoured personnel carrier.  What sort of message does this send?  Poor people of Vilnius: The mayor of Vilnius is after your cars.  Run (drive?) for your lives, he’s got a grudge against the impoverished and an armoured personnel carrier and he’s not afraid to use it!  The message it sends out to the wealthy is somewhat different though.  Rich people of Vilnius: Feel free to park wherever you like.  Sit back, relax, and eat a diamond or two while you enjoy the spectacle of a man menacing the poor with a “tank”.  This is not a nice message to send out.

    4.  The Mayor Of Vilnius Is The Wrong Man For The Job.  People like to have sensible, solid, reliable citizens as their mayors.  Qualities that they don’t like in a mayor are publicity-hunger and buffoonery.  The evidence for that is clear:  The population of the world is 7 billion people and the population of London is 7.7 million people.  This means that by far the vast majority of the planet’s population choose to live in the world, which is outside London.  If they wanted a buffoon for a mayor, they’d live in London where, incidentally, everything within in the cycle lane is mown down by taxis.  The people have spoken and we don’t want buffoons.

    5.  The Mayor Of Vilnius Is Missing The Point.  Why does it even matter if people are parking in the cycle lanes there?  Judging by the film, it would appear that Vilnius is the world’s emptiest city.  The mayor of Vilnius seems to be some sort of latter day Omega Man cruising the deserted streets in his armoured personnel carrier desperately searching for signs of life.  The only person using the cycle lanes in Vilnius is the mayor of Vilnius.  Why not use the empty road?  No one will ever know.

    6.  The Mayor Of Vilnius Isn’t Even A Proper Mayor.  He’s obviously the mayor by default because he’s the only citizen of Vilnius.  Look what happens after he crushes the Mercedes:  He has to stop and clean up the glass.  He’s the parking enforcement officer, the military, the mayor and the street cleaner all rolled into one.  If the mayor of Vilnius became embroiled in a corruption scandal – a quite common occurrence in local government – he’d end up having to arrest himself, but that would be okay, because he’d be able to pay himself a bribe and get the whole thing swept under the carpet.  Then he’d be free to win the next mayoral election by a margin of one.  Again.  Doesn’t the man have any ambition?  Why doesn’t he enact a constitutional monarchy and appoint himself King of Vilnius?  Emperor?  God of Vilnius!  If you’re self-appointed, think big!

    7.  It All Boils Down To Envy.  It looks like fun.  I want a go.

  • 7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

    7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

    On Saturday afternoon, the country had two choices. They could either watch a bunch of tarts or a bunch of thugs. Being someone who lacks a passion for theatrical performance this choice didn’t apply to me. My radar featured solely the Leicester v Northampton Premiership semi-final. The FA Cup Final only appeared on nancy boy’s radars. And Ricky Hatton’s. My choice, as happens regularly with my choices, was the correct one and I was treated to a terrific sporting occasion. However, it wasn’t all savoury. During the first half there was an off the ball incident between Leicester’s Manu Tuilagi and Northampton’s Chris Ashton. For those who didn’t watch it, this is what happened. Manu Tuilagi attempts something resembling a tackle on Chris Ashton. Unfortunately, Ashton didn’t have the ball. And in rugby, tackling someone without the ball is frowned upon. So, Ashton gives Tuilagi a shove to say, “Excuse me ol’chap, I am without ball. That’s terribly unsportsmanlike conduct.” To which Tuilagi replies, “No it ******* well isn’t! This is!” Although he replaced the words with three punches. Unfortunately footage of the incident isn’t great, but it’s as good as we have for now.

    At full speed it looked like a brutal attack and one Audley Harrison would be proud/incapable of. On closer inspection though, it’s pretty poor. And for that Manu should be incredibly embarrassed. Here’s why:

    1.  Eyes. In such circumstances the victim should really have his eyes shut as he prepares himself for the blow. The puncher, on the other hand, should be looking in the direction of his target. This is all back to front. Firstly, although it’s hard to tell, Ashton has his eyes open. And secondly, Tuilagi has his eyes shut. So what can we establish from this? Well, firstly that Ashton is a madman. He likes pain and he loves watching the impact of a fist on his face. Secondly, Tuilagi is squeamish. He’ll gladly give someone a happy slap but he doesn’t want to see blood.

    2.  Body Position. Now, I’ve done a bit of boxing – in a ring that was frequented by Justin Langer and Adam Gilchrist no less – so I like to think I know what I am talking about. When you punch, you’ll get more joy if you hit in front of you as opposed to the side. Obviously, there may be occasions when your target is not in front of you. If this is the case it is generally a good idea to move.

    3.  Oxygen. It’s always a good idea to breath when involved in a pursuit that actively encourages being alive. Tuilagi’s decision to hold his breath was not only dangerous, it also made him look a little chubby.

    4.  Standing. If you get a chance to see decent footage, do watch it. That’s because this footage is useless at showing what happened next. It also doesn’t fully show the impact of the other two punches. Well, actually, it doesn’t show the other two punches. And, while I have suggested these punches weren’t particularly great, they were still pretty damn forceful. The slow-mo footage shows Ashton’s head turn into a jelly for a few moments. The thing is though, after Tuilagi threw the punches, nothing happened. Ashton just stood there. And so did Tuilagi. And Tuilagi looked at Ashton standing in front of him and said, “Huh? What the hell aren’t you doing on the floor? Get down son, you’re making me look like a tit.” Which he did.

    5.  Officials. While Tuilagi was trying to punch Ashton into Nottingham, the touch judge was doing what all good touch judges should do. He was waving his flag around. The referee, Wayne Barnes eventually noticed the semaphore message and stopped the game. He then had a chat with his touch judge and then sent both Tuilagi and Ashton to the sin-bin. So yes, Tuilagi should be embarrassed for putting the officials in a position where they made the worst decision in the history of refereeing. Ever.

    6.  Ovation. Despite all I have said about the punches and their ineffectualness the home crowd seemed to love it. I felt somewhat uncomfortable as I watched the Tigers faithful give Tuilagi an ovation as he ran back on the pitch after his sin-bin. Sure, if he had flattened Ashton, give him an ovation. But don’t applaud the guy for half measures. He must have felt three inches tall after hearing that. How embarrassing to hear your own supporters cheer you for not punching properly. They must have thought that’s all he had. Which it was.

    7.  Handshake. So you’ve thrown everything at your opponent. He’s taken an absolute hammering. So what’s the worst that can happen now? That’s right, he comes up to you at the end of the match without a scratch on him and says, “Well played.” And all you can do is smile and remind everyone that you spend far too long shaping your sideburns.

    7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

     

     

  • 7 Reasons That Jessi Slaughter’s Father Probably Should Have Kept Quiet

    7 Reasons That Jessi Slaughter’s Father Probably Should Have Kept Quiet

    I’m sure that most of you reading this are, by now, aware of the Jessi Slaughter (not her real name) phenomenon.  If you’re not, to summarise, she’s an eleven year old girl who did what any other eleven year old does, she was silly and she made some mistakes.  She wound some people up in internet chat rooms and then made several threats to the people that disliked her including, “I’ll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy”.  They took exception to this, and there was an astonishing internet hate campaign conducted against her.  To be honest, the whole thing was rather tawdry and not worthy of our attention.  Then her dad waded in:

     


    Understanding of the Internet FAIL
    Uploaded by failblog. – Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.

    Now, at 7 Reasons we occasionally like to think of ourselves as a self-help guide.  And to this end, I feel compelled to address my remarks directly to Mr Slaughter, as it is surely he who needs my help the most.

    1.  You’re Not Very Good At Addressing The Camera. I dislike doing pieces to camera, mostly because I’m not very good at them.  I tend to get a bit flustered and mangle my words, and it’s because I’m so bad at them that I try to avoid doing them at all costs.  But I know this much, Mr Slaughter.  When addressing the camera, you should never, ever get down on one knee at the start of every point that you want to make, only to spring up again afterwards, because it’s an undignified position for any gentleman – especially one who’s maturing in years – and it does tend to make you look like a bit of a fruitcake.  Oh, and always try to wear trousers.  Trousers are very important.

    ESWAT City Under Seige. Sega, 1990

     

    2.  “…you’ve been reported to the cyber police…” Oh my god!  Run for your lives!  It’s THE CYBER POLICE!!!  They sound futuristic and terrifying and now I’m cowering fearfully in the corner of my…hang on…the cyber police?  There are no cyber police.  You just made them up to intimidate the people you’re ranting at.  Now, I’m no expert in making up shadowy organisations to intimidate internet users, but I can’t help thinking that the sort of people that spend their time trolling others via the internet might conceivably have some knowledge of its workings and be able to see through your deceit.  If I were you Sir, I’d have used a real and scary organisation to threaten them with.  But I sense that you realised this too, Mr Slaughter.  Somewhere, in the midst of your furious rant, you seem to have grasped that the cyber police weren’t going to fool anyone and you did what any sensible person would have done in your situation; you added a secondary organisation.

     

    3.  “…and the state police…”. Yeah, that’s telling them.  Tell them that the FBI are going to hunt them down, tell them that the CIA are hot on their trail, tell them that…wait…the state police?  Mr Slaughter, Mr Slaughter, the state police?  Seriously?  These people?

    Some members of the Virginia State Police

     

    4.   Moustache. While watching your epic, and rather unhinged rant, Mr Slaughter, I fancied that I could hear another sound in the background.  The sound of moustachioed men’s heads being placed in their hands as they collectively murmured all around the world, “Oh god.  This’ll set us back years”.  You see, Mr Slaughter, the moustache has been enjoying something of a renaissance of late, and is no longer the object of ridicule that it once was.  That is until now.  You have shamed the moustached community with your exploits, Sir.  I firmly expect sales of safety razors to soar as a result of your buffoonery.

     

    5.  “…Consequences…will…never…be the same.” No, Mr Slaughter.  And nor will my monitor, covered as it now is with most of the cup of camomile tea that I was attempting to consume while watching your video.  Nor will my wife be, as she will surely remain traumatised by the sight of her husband spitting a beverage at his own computer before helplessly convulsing and writhing around on the floor for several minutes wholly unable to form words and barely able to breathe.  My cat, you may be pleased to learn, seems unaffected by the spectacle. Oh, and before I forget, what the hell does consequences will never be the same mean?

     

    6.  Embarrassing Dads. Your daughter did a silly thing.  She’s young, and we all make mistakes.  No one wants to watch a red-faced eleven year old girl cry and this episode would have been a fleeting, yet soon forgotten, embarrassment for her if you hadn’t pitched in.  Then, Mr Slaughter, and only then, did this video truly go viral.  As you so insightfully and eloquently bellow toward the end of your rant, you are “HER FATHER” and you will probably go down as the most embarrassing dad in history.  And George W. Bush has children.

     

    7.  Parenting. While I’m on the subject, when you state that you are “HER FATHER”, you are surely only referring to the biological aspect of parenthood.  After all, what sort of parent allows his eleven year old daughter to go online with a webcam and threaten to shoot people or express the wish that they “get AIDS and die”?  If you don’t want her to be vilified on the internet or upset by the reaction she gets from it, take it away from her, rather than mindlessly and somewhat comedically railing against the other people that use it, however childishly they may have behaved.  The only part of this whole episode that’s funny is your rant, Mr Slaughter.  The rest is horrifying.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons: The Trailer: The Trailer

    Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons: The Trailer: The Trailer

    The Russian Roulette Sunday Logo

    It’s Russian Roulette Sunday again and once more the saga of advertising our website rears its head.  We currently have a trailer – rather catchily entitled 7 Reasons: The Trailer – under construction.  We promised it to you several weeks ago, and it still isn’t ready yet.  It’s been a nightmare saga of broken computers, missing cameras, temperamental hairdryers and complications with rendering and frame rates so dull that overhearing talk of them would kill a casual listener stone dead; the making of Fitzcarraldo was probably less problematic.  But progress is being made, and now we are at the stage where we can present 7 Reasons: The Trailer: The Trailer.  This, we firmly believe, is progress, and so certain are we that the completion of 7 Reasons: The Trailer is within sight that we’re prepared to state – confidently – that it will be ready soon (ish).

    7 Reasons: The Trailer: The Trailer

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: Advertising Take II

    Russian Roulette Sunday: Advertising Take II

    The 7 (seven) Reasons Russian Roulette Sunday logo featuring Christopher Walken from the Deer Hunter

    Hi!  Marc here again.  Last week, as you may recall, we blew our entire advertising budget on a film by Pearl & Dean.  To be honest, we were a bit disappointed by it.  We were so disappointed, in fact, that we thought we could probably do better ourselves.  We reasoned that with my capacity for historical perspective and Jon’s talent for understatement and his innate modesty, it wouldn’t be too difficult to put together a simple and cheap – yet memorable – advert for our website.  Here it is:

    7 Reasons Advert II

    So, in conclusion, please send donations to:

    The 7 Reasons Advertising Fund

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