Tag: WIN

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Be Watching The NBA Playoffs

You can argue that basketball just is not the sport for you, or that your hometown does not have a professional basketball team. While this may be true for many, this is still no reason not to tune into the NBA playoffs. Millions of hopeful fans across the world will be tuning in for every one of their team’s games, press conferences, post game shows, and player interviews with anticipation as their team shoots, dribbles, and scores their way to a world championship.

With so much excitement, why not make an effort to be a part of it? Your boss will be talking about it. Your waiter will be talking about it. Even your reverend will be talking about it. Do you really want to be left out when NBA playoff conversation begins? Even if you don’t care to talk about the sport, there are still plenty of reasons to watch the playoffs. Let’s give you seven.

1. Star-Studded Teams. Even though “there is no I in TEAM,” many teams are carried by their star, or even their cast of stars. These players, some of the best in the world, are extremely entertaining on the basketball court. Players like Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, and Kevin Durant have been carrying the team on their back all the way to playoff contention, so you better believe they will be working hard for that world championship. Expect to see some of the best players in the world play some of their best basketball during the playoffs.

2. Top 10 Plays. For those of you unfamiliar with Sportscenter, I’m sure you always look forward to the end of the program when the top ten plays of the day aired. Often times, many of these can be bland or boring. Well, when you see the high quality of play displayed during the NBA playoffs, you’ll soon understand why the highlight reels are filled with absolute gems on the court. Highlight dunks, clutch shots, and last-second game-winners are sure to arouse amazement for any level of sport enthusiast.

3. Defense. So maybe you’re just not impressed with high scoring offense. Many people love to see high quality defense; when athletes play their heart out, the defense is reflected. Blocked shots, stealthy steals, and just rock solid defense can be expected in these best-of-seven series.

4. Team Pride. Pick a team; any team. Follow them diligently. Even if you are not from the area or did not grow up a fan, you will most certainly become attached a team that you root for. Seeing the emotion and heart that is poured out on the court really makes you appreciate a solid team effort, since this can also be seen as a metaphor for life and the pursuit of a dream. Also, seeing a teamwork so well together and win tight games together is a really gut-wrenching experience because the more you watch them, the more you start to empathize with them. You are guaranteed to be at the edge of your seat for at least the duration of one quarter of any given game.

5. Historic Performances. If you’re a sports fan, I’m sure many can recall Michael Jordan’s playoff games. Or maybe even Wilt Chamberlain’s incredible performances. Well, needless to say, there is no lack of talent in the NBA. Every year, every series, every week, players are leaving it all out on the court with absolutely awe-inspiring performances. Just tune into some of the Conference Finals games or the NBA Championship games, you’re sure to see some incredible performances.

6. Historic Moments. Do you really want to be that guy at work who missed the last-second shot to win the game? Absolutely not. There’s a reason some of these moments have been engraved in sports history. Or why these moments have millions of views on the internet. Or why even people of today’s generation are familiar with game-winners from 50 years ago. These moments go down in history.

7. The NBA Finals. Sure, the playoffs are great, but the NBA Finals is where the action is. Watching your team scratch and claw their way through the competition is only the prerequisite for the main stage. The NBA Finals prove to be one of the most prestigious and popular series of sporting events in the world. With so much at stake and so much to prove, you can only expect to see the best basketball on Earth.

Author Bio: Becky Harris writes on a variety of topics for Upack moving containers.

July 4, 2012
7 Reasons Up The Stairs Is Amazing

Not so long ago I discovered a clip from a game-show on the internet. A game-show from Japan – home of everything utterly mad – called Up The Stairs. Knowing from having seen many other Japanese game-shows that this would probably be both awesome and impenetrable, I decided to concentrate hard on this clip and try to make some sense of it. I was right on both counts. Here are seven reasons that Up The Stairs Is Amazing.

1. It Looks Abominably Cruel. They’re sending a little old lady up the stairs. That’s what they’re doing, and the stairs look slippery. And there are men at the top wearing only pants; they don’t look very friendly. She looks particularly doddery, and the stairs look particularly slippery. What manner of fiendishness is this?

2. Oh My God! Now look what’s happened! The old lady’s fallen down the slippery stairs and has plummeted headlong into a pool. There’s an elderly lady drowning! Oh, the indignity! Oh, the horror! Oh, the humanity!

3. Help Is At Hand. But it’s not as cruel as I thought, because at least there are people helping her out. There’s a young woman, an old man, a baseball player, another old woman, a businessman and a dustman(?). What the hell are they all doing there? Is this the Japanese version of the Village People? And now the plucky old girl’s having another go! Now she’s running back up the stairs! No…she’s plummeting down the stairs and headlong into the pool again. But undeterred, she’s getting up again, a little breathlessly. But now something amazing’s happening. In a brilliant show of teamwork and solidarity, some other members of the Village People are going up the stairs with her. Now the old lady, the old man, the businessman and the baseball player are storming up the stairs. But the men in pants are hurling water-balloons at them! They score a direct hit on the old lady! She’s skidding down the stairs again. And oh, no! Her dress has come open. Aaaarrggghh!!!!

4. Wait! Thank God! That’s No Old Lady! That’s a younger man dressed as an old lady. I’ve seldom been this relieved to discover that a woman is, in fact, a man dressed as a woman. If ever. The charge up the stairs isn’t going well though. The businessman (who could well be an old lady dressed as a businessman. It’s that weird) soon follows the old lady in her descent down the slippery staircase, immediately followed by the old man (awesome direct hit by balloon to face)and the baseball player (hit on the hand, making him look like a bit of a banana). But then something truly amazing happens.

5. A Hero Emerges. The businessman has gone berserk. He’s already bounded halfway up the stairs and has stopped to make gestures (he could be summoning a giant squid from the moon. He could be exhorting a man on a bicycle to ejaculate a pancake. It’s that mad). Then he strikes. A man-in-his-pants throws a huge water-balloon at him. He ducks it. A second man-in-his-pants throws a second huge water balloon at him. It hits him square on the face and he plummets down the stairs. Soon he is followed by the old man and a new man-in-his-pants (that may formerly have been the old lady). But he doesn’t give up hope. Now the businessman’s as mad as hell and he’s not going to take it any more (Ironically, a bit like the Michael Douglas character in Falling Down). Suddenly he’s back near the top again. A man-in-his-pants throws a bucket of water at him. Then another one does. Then they start throwing stuffed red cuboids at him. Then a man-in-his-pants hits him with one. Suddenly, the businessman grabs one of the men in pants and hurls him over his shoulder and down the stairs. Then he does the same to another one! Go, you crazy Japanese businessman! Then he hurls a man in a t-shirt and pants down the stairs. And two more men in pants with a stuffed red cuboid. Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee combined wouldn’t be doing this well, not least because one is 71 and the other is dead. Suddenly the businessman is alone at the top except for an old person (I’m not playing guess the sex again) lying on some pillows on the floor. He celebrates. He grabs the old person and tries to drag them down the stairs. Yes! This must be the point of the game! To help the infirm down the stairs. But no! Now there are loads of people at the top of the stairs. There are men in pants; there’s a man in trousers; there are more men in pants. And now they’re all sliding down the stairs with the businessman and the old person except for one man-in-his-pants ascending the stairs with a stuffed red cuboid. This. Is. Amazing. And just when I didn’t think it could get any better…

6. 3:41. Interrobang! An interrobang! IT’S AN INTERROBANG!

7. Wait! How Does It Work Then? The man-in-his-pants has reached the top with his red stuffed cuboid. He raises it above his head. He roars. Everyone applauds. He roars some more. He seems to like roaring. Then, with his red stuffed cuboid still held above his head, the apparently triumphant man-in-his-pants begins – cautiously – to descend the slippery stairs. Then – somewhat predictably – after a couple of wobbles he loses his footing and slides to the bottom, followed by his red stuffed cuboid. Then everyone laughs at him. Then the dustman makes some sort of pronouncement. Then everyone cheers and some men in pants wave. I don’t know what the hell just happened there, but it was amazing. Amazing. Seriously, any ideas?

October 18, 2011
7 Reasons To Wear A Traffic Cone On Your Head

This post needs no introduction, so I won’t write one. Apart from this bit obviously. Not that you needed to bother reading it. Right, on with the reasons.

Duke Of Wellington With Cone by Mr Cumbo

1. Hideout. If you’ve just bottled someone in a nightclub by mistake, the chances are you are going to be beaten up and/or arrested unless you get out of there quickly. Your best option is to run to the nearest set of roadworks, pop a traffic cone on your head and crouch. You’ll blend in perfectly.

2. Pointers. If you are a really short teacher or an astronomer, you may find yourself needing to point upwards for long, extended periods. Anyone would struggle with this, which is why popping a cone on your head is the perfect solution. Not only will you be pointing up on a constant basis, you will also have two hands with which to haul yourself up onto the desk so those at the back of the class can see you. You can also pretend to be an alien. That could be fun.

3. Safety. In my youth I used to go out drinking with friends. More often than not one English Breakfast led to an Earl Grey and then an Assam. Of course under such circumstances I almost certainly missed the last bus home. That meant I had to walk. Living out of town meant walking along dark, country lanes. On more than one occasion was I caught like a rabbit in the headlights. If only I had thought, I could have popped a traffic cone on my head and I’d have been spotted miles off. Instead of my usual avoidance tactic which involved diving into the nearest hedge. Mind you, given the amount of tea I had had to drink, it proved a relief in more than one way.

4. Unblemished. Despite leaving my adolescence in the 1990s, I still find spots sprouting whenever they bloody well feel like it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the acne-ridden four-eyed geek I used to be, but waking up to discover a whitehead in the middle of your forehead isn’t exactly the best start to the day. Over the years my body became immune to all the spot relieving treatments I attacked it with, so these days I have to use a different tactic. Sometimes it’s a fringe, but when my hair is too short for that, it’s a traffic cone. It covers the blemish up beautifully.

5. Fun Of The Fair. Walk around any fairground with a traffic cone on your head and you will almost certainly collect dozens of hoops. It’s instinctive. See a cone, try and get your hoop over it. You may get the odd whack in the face for your trouble, but you will definitely pick up hoops. Then you can go to the stall of your choice, have twenty-five free goes at trying to win a cuddly toy or a goldfish in a Tesco bag and then start again. It’s a cheap day out which is particularly useful if you’re a a bit chavvy and have eight children to keep entertained.

6. On Loan. Given the amount of idiots who steal traffic cones and take them back to their halls of residence, is it really any wonder why road works take so long to complete? It’s health and safety. If there aren’t enough cones, you’re not allowed to dig. Which is why you should offer you cone wearing services to them. Just go up to them in their morning/afternoon/all-day tea break and say you’ll happily stand in the road for a few hours. Not only will you earn a little extra cash, they’ll even pop you on the back of the truck and give you a free lift home. Well, to the depot anyway.

7. Likeable. A favourite pastime of people all over the world – as demonstrated by the above photo – is putting a traffic cone on a statue’s head. Instantly the statue becomes far more interesting. More people stand and point and smile. More people take photos of it than they would if it was sans cone. So my advice to you is to live by this example. If you’re not naturally likeable, put a cone on your head.

October 17, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Women Are Better Poker Players Than Men

I know what you’re thinking: you haven’t seen too many members of the fairer sex sitting at the winner’s table on the World Series of Poker Championship. In fact, a woman has never won (or even been the runner up). So how can women be better poker players and not get in on the biggest event of the year? In truth, there simply aren’t that many women out there playing poker in general, much less competing at the elite level. As James Brown aptly stated, this is a man’s world, and even if women were inclined to break in (which few are) they might find themselves the subject of scoffing, ridicule, and derision, making it more than a bit uncomfortable to continue. This statement also seems to hold true even with real time gaming casinos that you can see and play on the internet. However, if a women understood the many ways in which they hold all the cards when it comes to hijacking a game, they might be more interested in hitting the tables. Here are a few reasons to drop the dishrag and get to the casino.

1. Anatomy. The feminine wiles are built to beguile, and when it comes to playing poker you need to use every asset to your advantage. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go beyond the boundaries of decency, but there’s no law against flaunting what you’ve got in order to distract and befuddle your male opponents.

2. Emotions. Men generally expect women to be emotional basket-cases and you can definitely create a strategy based on this misconception. While most men try to put up a stone-cold façade when they play poker, you can easily mess with their game by running the gamut of emotions. Not only will they have trouble reading you, but you can use this trick to conceal tells, upset the balance of the game, and keep your opponents guessing at what your wild mood swings might signal.

3. Sexism. Men don’t expect women to be able to compete at poker simply because it is a male-dominated field. They will try to bully you out of the game by acting superior and using aggressive betting tactics. But don’t let them get you riled. Instead, be patient and let them overextend – then go in for the kill!

4. Multitasking. Believe it or not, juggling the demands of a job and a household has made you eminently qualified to play poker. If you can load children and groceries into the car while brokering a business deal over the phone, you can certainly weigh the odds on your hand while searching for opponent tells and bluffing until you can get the cards you need. Can a man do that? Send your husband to the grocery store for eggs and milk and watch him come home with £70 worth of junk that the children talked him into (but no eggs or milk). Yeah, you get the idea.

5. Reading People. Any mum can tell when her children are lying, and since most men are like overgrown boys, you can definitely use this skill to unseat opponents at the poker table. If you’re not a mum, never fear; you’ve probably spent enough time fending off male attention to know when a man is trying to sell you a line of bull.

6. Snap Decisions. Indecision is a luxury most women cannot afford. With a multitude of tasks to accomplish each and every day, it’s important to prioritise and trust one’s intuition. This skill is invaluable to a poker player.

7. Research. This isn’t like dice or roulette games, in which everything is more or less left up to chance; poker is a thinking game, so the more you know, the better your odds of winning. Women have a tendency to approach situations from a place of knowledge, meaning they will research a new topic to death. This only means that you will have an edge over even more advanced male players, many of whom mistakenly believe they have reached a point where they know it all. With ongoing research and practice you can prove them all wrong!

October 8, 2011
Win A Prize!

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed 7 Reasons readers, people of the internet, lovers of SPAM; we have an exciting prize to offer one lucky person.

You may remember a reference from a 7 Reasons post earlier in the week to the giving of the gift of a tin of SPAM. Well, that didn’t go too well. Consequently, we’re now in the position to offer you, the reader, that very self-same tin of SPAM, though now with a slight dent on it.

The Prize (pen, notebook and table not included)

Sadly though, we haven’t had much time to devise a competition – and one of the team also has something of a headache – but we’ve realised something: That 7 Reasons readers are probably creative and resourceful people too. Accordingly, we’re setting you a challenge.

To win this tin of SPAM, which will be dispatched direct from Yorkshire, simply come up with a competition to win a tin of SPAM and send your entry to [email protected]. We’ll judge the entries and the winner will be the person that that has devised – in our opinion – the best competition. You’ve got full licence to be as innovative and creative as you like (in fact, we positively encourage it). Feel free to send illustrations too, if you feel they will enhance your presentation. We’ll announce the lucky winner next Sunday. We might even use the winning competition in the future.

So get your thinking caps on as fame, fortune and a tin of SPAM await you. Oh, and enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you tomorrow.

July 10, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: The Winners!

Last week you entered a competition. No, not you. Nor you. Or you. But, you. Yes, you. This week we take great pleasure in announcing the winners. Are you one of them? You’ll find out soon. First though, let’s look at the answers you should have given us.

1) When the 7 Reasons team successfully invades France, what do we plan to replace the Eiffel Tower with? A burger van.

2) What colour should you paint your front door? Orange.

3) Which date should be known as the day of the sausage? 24th December. (Though we did accept Christmas Eve).

4) At what time should you not carry out bicycle maintenance? 3am.

5) What vehicle should you not drive up the M4? A Golf Buggy.

6) How many sailors make up the 7 Reasons sponsored Mongolian Navy? Seven.

7) What type of dancer are at least 50% of the 7 Reasons team afraid of? Flamenco.

So, all those who got 100% were put in a hat. Well, their names were. And it wasn’t so much a hat, more of a bowl. But either way the winners were in there. And the names came out like this.

Simon Best. You are a winner!

Claire Quinn. You are a winner!

Aspasia Matthaiou. You are a winner!

But then I looked back into my bowl and I was overcome with a feeling of utter sorrow. You see, there was just one name left. (What are you smirking at? So what if we only had four entries?). It felt somewhat harsh to leave Giles Clarkydum on his lonesome. So I didn’t. I whipped him out of the bowl and put him on the table.

Giles Clarkydum. You are a winner!

And it is only just seeing as this was their approach to entering.

Well done to all the winners. A set of propaganda postcards will soon be landing on your door mat.

*Ceci Masters was disqualified for not following simple instructions and entering via the medium of secret code on Facebook.

June 19, 2011
Russian Roulette Sunday: Competition Time

This isn’t the first time we have tried our hand at 7 Reasons competitions. We are sure you remember with great fondness our ‘Be the 8th Reasoner’ and ‘Pimp Our Sofa’ contests. Today sees us continue that great tradition. Only this time there is more at stake than just pride. Fresh from the Emporium, we have three sets of Propaganda Postcards to give away. To stand a chance of winning, just answer the questions below – ideally with the correct answers. Then send your entries to [email protected] with ‘Competitions’ as the subject. The closing date is 11:59:59pm on Tuesday, 14th June 2011. Good luck!

*HINT* All the answers will be found on this website. Do not rely on wikipedia.

1) When the 7 Reasons team successfully invades France, what do we plan to replace the Eiffel Tower with?

2) What colour should you paint your front door?

3) Which date should be known as the day of the sausage?

4) At what time should you not carry out bicycle maintenance?

5) What vehicle should you not drive up the M4?

6) How many sailors make up the 7 Reasons sponsored Mongolian Navy?

7) What type of dancer are at least 50% of the 7 Reasons team afraid of?

*Winners will be chosen at random from those who answer all questions correctly. No cash alternative. No t-shirt alternative. Sorry.

June 12, 2011
And The Winner Is…

Hello! Marc here. It’s Sunday, and now that much of the sport has been watched, it’s time for me to sit down and sift through the entries for the awesome competition that we set last week. We felt sure that the competition – and the brilliant prize – would inspire many of our readers to wit and brilliance and well, here’s the top three entries (out of three).

In third place, with this entry is Chrissy Aram with:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I could live next door to my brother.

Now, I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. Chrissy lives in England – which is already next door to France – so, unless her brother lives in Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Monaco, Andorra or Spain, this won’t work. Plus there’s no cricket in France, she wouldn’t like that, and cricket is far better than brothers, as my sister will happily confirm.

In second place is Rachel Simmonite’s entry:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because it would be the ideal place to put my shoes, and it would be a good bargaining tool to help me take over Britain, then after that THE WORLD.

Now, if I had feet half the size of Central Europe, I’d want somewhere to put my shoes too. This is an entirely laudatory use of France. Where Rachel’s entry falls down is the suggested use of the occupation of France to take over Britain, and then the world. Or THE WORLD, as she shouted. This has already been tried – by a monobollocular chap with a funny moustache – and it doesn’t work. I appreciate that her plan differs somewhat to that of Herr Hitler, in that she intends to use France as a bargaining tool, rather than as a picturesque military base, but how would that work? Would she issue threats? “Give me the Isle of Wight or I’ll blow up Dieppe!” I can already hear the massed voice of 60 million Britons saying, “Okay, blow up Dieppe then. Whatever.” “Give me the Queen or Nicolas Sarkozy gets it!” “Bahahahahahha!” The plan is fundamentally flawed. Rachel is clearly the Wile. E. Coyote of the Win France competition.

Winging its way in from Greece (where the exchange rate is 2.5 Greek words to 1 English word) is the final entry that we received – which is also our winner – by Ασπασία Ματθαίου (easy for her to say):

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I would be able to stop that awful film overdubbing business which is just wrong. Viewers should be allowed to enjoy actor’s real voices in the way that they actually speak them. Why would anyone want to listen to Orson Welles speak in a silly French tone? I know I wouldn’t. (Individuals formerly employed in dubbing would have to find a new job, in the field of foreign film criticism. Their criticism would have to be written in the language of the film in question. At least 5000 words of it. I think that’s fair.)

Then I would pass a law whereby all taxi drivers in the area of the land formerly known as France would speak Greek. That would serve them right. And then everyone would be made to count and spell numbers correctly, in every known language in the world. Finally, that same law would clearly state to all taxi drivers that they would have to drive me to and from airports for free, eternally. (Hehehe. That would be great.)

French politics and sport I would make sure remain the same for ever more. (Yes!)

Just a final thought. If my entry wins the competition I might just hand France to Jon. I think he will appreciate the prize better.

So there you have it. In a totally unexpected outcome to our competition, France has been won and her new owner, as a result of Ασπασία’s generosity, is my writing partner, Jonathan Lee. I’d like to thank everyone that entered and, now that France is under new management, I’d like to wish her citizens good luck. They’ll need it. And Jon, you may now sally forth across the channel and claim France*. Though please get your posts for the week out of the way first, I’ve rather a lot on.

*Remember to put an English-Greek dictionary into your suitcase of baked beans and ginger nuts in case you need to use a taxi. Oh, and it’s thé au lait you want. The other brown stuff is something called coffee that you won’t like.

February 27, 2011
It’s Competition Time!

We realised something recently: We’ve never had a competition before. Ever (or at least as far as we can remember). It was quite a momentous moment in the 7 Reasons offices when this occurred to us; Jon almost missed his mouth with a biscuit and Marc looked up from his book about the war and blinked, before returning to it.

Now, bearing in mind that the last time the 7 Reasons team funds were audited they stood at half a dead spider, a creased Post-it® note, the crumbs from several ginger nut biscuits, twelve business cards, a mug with a broken handle and a lemon, we weren’t expecting to have too much money to spend on a competition, but we had another check anyway and the good news is that we still have the lemon.

“We can’t offer people a lemon”, said Marc, without looking up from his book, “You never know when we might need it. In World War II, they used to use them to sanitise cups and utensils. They also found them indispensable for…”

Jon knew when not to interrupt Marc. And now wasn’t that time, “OKAY!” he blurted, with such a ferocity that he surprised himself, “We won’t give the bloody lemon away! Just in case Hitler comes back from beyond the grave, as mad as hell, and with some sort of new vendetta against humourists, the number seven and cutlery! Because that sounds entirely plausible! We’d also better hang on to any powdered egg that we might chance upon too, and our nylons!”

“Okay”, said Marc dreamily from behind his book, entirely satisfied that mentioning the war had got him out of devising a competition.

“So the prize has got to be something cheap, or even better, free”, said Jon, failing to recognise that Marc had already decided that the task was now solely in his hands.

What the hell’s going on? He’s still talking to me. Usually he’s taken the hint by now. Right, I’m going to have to refer to the war again, thought Marc. “The Free French?” suggested Marc, “In World War II they…”

“Yes! That’s it!” exclaimed Jon.

“What!?”

“That’s perfect.”

He didn’t know what was perfect, and frankly, he didn’t care. Mumbling, “Very good then. Do carry on,” Marc turned a page and settled further back into his side of the sofa, while Jon set to work putting together his brilliantly conceived and very cheap to run competition. And here it is.

The 7 Reasons Competition

My Lords, Ladies, gentlemen, and readers of 7 Reasons (including Kindlers). The 7 Reasons team – in conjunction with the internet – wish to announce a competition. We’re both proud and delighted to offer you, our loyal readership, a big prize, possibly the biggest prize that’s ever been given away in a competition. We’re offering one lucky reader the opportunity to win France! That’s right, France!

Win France!

We’ve thought about it and it seems to us that, since they divested themselves of their monarchy in the eighteenth century, no one has actually owned France. And it’s just there, across the sea, waiting for our lucky winner to claim it. All of this can be yours.

Food.

More Food.

The Eiffel Tower.

To win France, simply complete the following sentence in a hundred words or less:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because…

Send your entries to [email protected] with “I Want France” in the subject box. The competition closes on 26-02-2011. The winner will be chosen by the 7 Reasons team (assuming they’re not reading about the war or eating biscuits) and will be announced next Sunday. We’ll also be putting the best entries on the website, with a free link to your twitter account/website/anything you’re looking to plug.

We’re really looking forward to reading your entries and would like to wish all of our entrants bon chance. And good luck.

February 20, 2011
7 Reasons That Ricky Ponting is the Second Coming of Christ

As I was walking yesterday, on the road to Sainsbury’s, a strange and life-changing event occurred. I strolled past a man carrying a newspaper and, upon the back of that newspaper there was a picture. An image of Ricky Ponting looking glum. Christ, I thought, doesn’t that miserable bastard ever look happy? And then, suddenly and without warning, there was a blinding flash of light and a sonorous and divine voice did appear from the sky and say, “Ah look, mate, why do you persecute me?”

I fell to the floor: “Who are you,” I stammered meekly.

“I am Punter, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. “Now rise and get thee unto the supermarket, and you will be told what you must do.”

Blimey, that was weird, I thought, and went to the supermarket as I was bidden. And, to cut a very long story short, in the manner of Saul on the road to Damascus, I, Marc* on the road to Sainsbury’s, had had an epiphany. I realised that I had been wrong all along about Ricky Ponting and had done him many disservices over the years. And now I have truly seen the light and it is my divine mission to tell the world of his glory; here are the seven reasons why Punter is the true successor to our lord Jesus Christ.

Ricky, as he appeared to me on the road to Sainsbury's.

1. The Name. If things look right, and sound right, then they generally are. And when I tried to think of a way to link the names of Jesus and Ponting, I have to admit, I struggled. But then I realised that true struggle is the lot of a disciple, and that I’d just have to think harder. And, lo, I thought harder. But other than the names Ponting and Christ being interchangeable as profane expletives in my heathen life prior to my conversion, I could find very little to link them. Then it hit me: A portmanteau word. Ricky Ponting is no longer merely Punter the cricket captain. He now has a divine and biblical-sounding title. He will henceforth be known as…The Pontychrist.

Ah, look. It's the Pontychrist!

2. Miracles. Jesus was famed for his making of miracles. Specifically, for eking out very little, to make a lot. He turned water into wine, and he fed five-thousand people when equipped with a small quantity of bread and fish; a situation in which a lesser bearded-man – such as Captain Birdseye – merely invented the fish finger. And, in the manner of Jesus, Ponting (who, though not bearded of face, is bearded of arm), the new saviour, is attempting to win the Ashes with a mere nineteen runs from the first two tests. And when he pulls it off, it will be hailed as one of the greatest miracles ever seen. Greater, even, than when he takes a stroll across Sydney Harbour without using the bridge after the fifth test, and greater than when he turns Toohey’s into wine. Or Beer into a world-beating bowler.

3. Serendipity. This current Ashes series began in almost an exact word-for-word replay of one of Christ’s most famous quotes because Australia opened the bowling in the first test. And so it was that he, who is without spin, cast the first stone (or ball, as we call them these days). In fact, like his famous forebear, Ponting tries as much as possible to live a blameless life where lesser men (England) are happy to live a life of spin. In the grand tradition of divine saviours, The Pontychrist is more spinned against, than spinning.

4. The Devil. There would be no need for the coming of Ponting if it weren’t for the presence of darkness among man. Who then, is his nemesis, his bête noire, his archfiend, his foe, the Mephistopheles to his Good Shepherd? It can’t be Andrew Strauss; he’s too nice, he is a mere instrument of the devil. For Beelzebub himself is cunning, yet is vain, and so gives himself away through his choice of name. I ask you, what rhymes with horn? That’s right, many, many, many things but, specifically in this case, Vaughan. Behold The Antipontychrist! For though he has now been banished unto the commentary box for the duration of the series – which if the final test ends on day three will have lasted for forty days and forty nights – (which is both biblical and mathematical proof ), he is surely the puppet-master that the righteous Punter does battle against.

The name of the beast is The Antipontychrist and his number is 6-0-0 (and he doesn't look very well)

5. The Blood of the PontyChrist. In Christian religions, those arcane churches that we had before the birth of Pontianity, especially in Roman-Catholicism, (where the head of the church will, when Ponting is acknowledged as the second coming, be known as The Puntiff) the blood of Christ is important. Jesus, we are told, bled for our sins, and so, in the present day, has the Pontychrist. Here he is bleeding, so that our spirits may be lifted heavenward. And who amongst us can say that this image of his selflessness doesn’t fill their heart with joy?

We have redemption through his blood…in accordance with the riches of God's grace.

Yes, this one's just gratuitous.

6. Iconography. And, much like Christ, when so many of his teachings will be open to the whimsical and wilful interpretations of man, many years after he has passed, so the Pontychrist’s visage will be used, in the millennia to come by men warning others to follow his example and to live without sin. He’s omnipresent, they’ll say, he can see everything that you’re doing, they’ll say. And they’re right. In this portent of the future he seems to be staring into your very soul. And, now that you have seen this picture, you will know, that Ricky can see your every thought and deed. He will know if you think ill of the French. He will know when you’re masturbating. He will know when you’ve eaten Twiglets that you shouldn’t have touched. He knows everything: For he is omnipontent.

He can see into your soul, you bad, bad person.

7. Reflection. And later, on reflection at my conversion to Pontianity, I had a moment of doubt, the sort that afflicted people 2000 years ago in Jesus’s time. I wrote this piece yesterday, but when I woke this morning, I found myself questioning things. In short, I had a crisis of faith. I might have taken too much of my flu medication yesterday, I thought. What if I’d dreamt it? I’d look a fool. I’d be mocked and cast asunder by my peers. I decided that, on reflection, I may have got carried away and resolved to discard what I had written and start afresh with a new piece, after I’d had my breakfast. And then I saw a sign:

It's a sign! (a tasty one, too).

So, in summary, I’m buying myself a ute and I’m going to fill it with corrugated iron and tambourines and head off to the hills to build the first (of many) Puntecostal churches. Who’s with me?

*Henceforth to be known as Parc.

December 15, 2010