Tag: USA

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Road Trips Are Awesome

There’s no better feeling than the wind in your hair, the open road ahead of you and some pumping tunes on the radio. You have only two objectives – get from A to B and have fun. Here’s seven reasons why road trips rock.

1. You Get to Drive Something Different. Although you can opt to take your crappy Nissan Micra cross-country – where’s the fun in that? A road trip is the prime opportunity to hit that car hire firm and rent the vehicle of your dreams. Go wild. Cadillac, camper van, Monster Truck – the choice is yours. Just remember three things, it needs to be comfortable, you need to opt for a vehicle with cup holders – so as to ensure that passengers can be hydrated with no risk of spillage – and you need a sound system that goes up loud!

2. Power Rock. Road trips are 25% about the journey and 75% about the tunes that you choose to accompany your epic voyage. This is your prime opportunity to delve into the greats of 80’s/90’s power rock. I mean screeching guitars, high pitched man voices and lots of opportunities for throwing your rock fingers into the air and waggling your tongues ‘Gene Simmons-style’ at the children trying to peacefully watch ‘Lady and the Tramp’ in the next car.

3. Road Trip Games. When else in your adult life do you get to play games? Any sport with a referee doesn’t count. I’m talking good old-fashioned car journey games. There is something about the fact that you are cooped up in a car that makes even the simplest game amazing. In every day life you may see six, maybe seven yellow cars a day and allow them to pass by without comment. Suddenly, simply your location means that the appearance of a yellow vehicle will have you acknowledging its presence with a shrill cry of victory and a short, sharp jab to your partners arm. When else is violence condoned? Ordinarily you may be saddened to see a poor little badger deceased on the side of the road – not when your objective is to spot the road kill before you companions. Embrace the games.

4. Junk Food. No matter where you are travelling, chances are you won’t be able to be healthy. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Drink that Red Bull even when you heart tells you it can take no more. Scoff those Haribo and Pringles safe in the knowledge that they were the only option in the Texaco garage on the M42. And, if you have to, follow those golden arches. This may well be the only time that it is acceptable to step inside the home of that creepy clown and heck…supersize it if you want – you need the energy.

5. Interesting Characters. What’s the one thing that crops up without fail in road movies? Unusual characters. It’s inevitable. Whether it be a minibus full of boisterous football fans on their way home from a match – eager to show you what’s under their clothes – or a handsome cowboy who seduces you and then steals all of your bail money, it will happen so have a contingency plan.

6. Arguments. Whenever map reading is involved, there will be arguments. Use them as therapy, air your woes and criticise your companions’ foibles. Get it out, you’ll feel lighter. See it as ‘On-the-Road Healing’.

7. Saving Money. Your outgoings are petrol and snacks, none of this airport tax malarkey or being charged extra by the cretins at Ryanair for a blanket in their sub-zero plane cabin. These saved pennies can be used to stock up on fun road trip activities or as extra beer money when you finally reach your destination. Bonus.

March 1, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Shop For Car Insurance

Auto insurance is not typically a product people buy for enjoyment. But since it is required in 49 of the 50 states, drivers have to buy it and driving without insurance can lead to financial ruin. Well, at least it is more fun than paying taxes.

With that out of the way, here are our top seven reasons to shop for car insurance:

1. Because The Cavemen Told You To. If you spend any time watching television, listening to the radio, or been online, you have likely been inundated by insurance ads. There are quirky women, presidential-like men, bald, aging men, geckos, and cavemen all pitching you insurance. Car insurance companies spend billions of dollars a year on advertising. Don’t just go with the big companies. Smaller to medium sized insurers that don’t advertise may be able to offer you a better combination of price and coverage.

2. Because You Like Overpaying. Comparing rates between companies is key. Sure, it is easy to stay with your same company and just pay their new bill but if you have not shopped for insurance in the past 6 months, you are likely overpaying. Rates change frequently and can vary significantly by company. But don’t compromise on coverage.

3. Because Your Insurance Needs Never Change. When you drive, you put yourself at financial risk. If you are at fault in an accident, you could be personally responsible for all financial damages caused to others. You want to make sure you have the protection necessary to cover the value of your home and other financial assets. Make sure you deal with A.M. Best Rated insurers for maximum protection.

4. Because You Hate Discounts. Many insurance companies offer a wide range of discounts for customers. However, don’t think you are getting a better deal just because a company offers you a lot of “discounts”. Take the time to shop around and see whose “discounts” are best.

5. Because You Got Out Of Dodge. When you move, it is highly likely your insurance rates will change. Certain neighborhoods are statistically more risk for insurance companies than others in terms of the volume of claims. Rates can change significantly when you move to a new state so investigate this in advance. Moving is a good opportunity to shop for the best rate for your new location.

6. Because Your Car Is A Piece Of Junk. If your car is a piece of junk, you still need insurance but you may no longer need collision or comprehensive coverage to protect the vehicle. You will still need liability coverage at minimum and in some states, personal injury protection and uinsured/uninderinsured motorist coverage may also be required. But, if your car is a real piece of junk, you need a new car and will need new insurance to protect it.

7. Because It’s Fun. Auto insurance shopping is no party but it is fun to save hundreds of dollars on your rates. Take the time to comparison shop. It could go a long way towards paying for your next party.

January 15, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Be Your Own Sovereign Nation

Remember when you were a youngster and you drew a new country – Jonville – in your parent’s atlas? No? Well you missed out. I did and my imaginary country was amazing. But that’s all it was. Amazing and imaginary. It never actually became a reality. (As those of you who have looked in a 2011 atlas will know.) Today’s guest post from Mark Richardson goes that one step further. Mark’s not interested in whimsy. He’s interested in the real thing. He wants to start his own country. And here’s why you should do it too:

Many of the great, and imaginary, thinkers of our time have said; “There’s no freedom like political freedom”. And they are right. Don’t take my word for it, read a history book. Its pages will be drenched with the blood of warriors who fought for independent rule and freedom. That could be you. Although I would advise you don’t actually fight for freedom. Rather have some coffee and get others to fight for you. Like the French do.

“Why should I be my own sovereign nation?” I hear you ask. Well here are seven thought provoking reasons.

1. No More Speeding Tickets. I don’t remember being included in the meeting where speed limits were decided. Democracy failing at the first hurdle there really. Well, diplomatic immunity will solve that. Next time you’re handed a speeding ticket, hand it back claiming you are beyond the jurisdiction of traffic law enforcement, and demand an apology. You will need diplomatic number plates though. And your nation’s flag flying from your car. That’s a nice touch.

2. Military Allies. Label anyone who messes with you a rebel insurgent and request military assistance from the United States Army. Let’s see those neighbourhood punks give you crap when there’s an Apache Gunship hunting them down.

3. Money, Money, Money. Don’t stress about that new credit card application. Request one hundred million a year directly from the IMF. Billions exchange hands every year in loans to third world economies. Why shouldn’t you get a piece of that? Claim you need the money to implement a project to build decent housing and ease the overcrowding in your nation’s more populated cities. Roughly translated; get yourself a big house. Personally, my nation could do with a 150 acre secluded coastal estate with a private beach and helicopter pad.

4. Travel The World. Sick of economy class and cheap hotels? Me too. Plan a trip to Washington DC and request to stay in the White House and have a meeting in the Oval Office with the President. Demand that the press be present, and request a personal bodyguard for the duration of your US visit. Insist that this bodyguard be Chuck Norris.

5. Make Up Your Own Holidays. Why settle for the mere handful of holidays issued by your regular government when you could invent your own when it suits you? It doesn’t have to stop at holidays either. Parades are fun. An annual street parade based around a bikini theme is a killer foreign policy plan. The problem is that regular governments don’t put enough thought into this stuff.

6. Get Rid Of Door-To-Door Sales People. Sales people encroaching on your land to sell you crap you don’t need are to be immediately detained as spies and found guilty of espionage, and then imprisoned never to be seen again. Those that email you spam will be tracked down with the help of Western Intelligence Services, accused of cyber terrorism and sent to Guantanamo where violent things will be done to their sensitive parts. Seriously, I hate those guys.

7. Get Your Own National Anthem. Yes, one of the perks of being a visiting dignitary everywhere you go. Be creative here. Don’t go the normal boring route. Try Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine and demand that it is played every time you walk into a room. Also, everyone should stand respectfully for the entire duration of the song.

Well, there you go. Be your own Nation. Craft your own destiny. I should point out at this stage that these suggestions probably actually won’t work in a real world situation. But if you don’t ever try you won’t ever experience the crushing failure that leaves you feeling like an underachieving loser.

December 14, 2011
7 Reasons To Celebrate Leif Ericson

In two days time the population of the USA will gather together and celebrate the life of Leif Ericson. Or at least those of whom who have recently been on wikipedia shall. October 9th is Leif Ericson Day. Now Leif, for those of you not in the know, was a Norse explorer. And there are many reasons he should be celebrated. Not just in the USA, but the world over. Here are just seven.

1. Columbus Mark I. While history tells us that is was the Genoese (Italian) Christopher Columbus who first discovered America, Sir Alan Sugar’s newest Apprentice Tom Pellereau will tell us that it was the British Columbus. And that he liked his pies. Both, though, are wrong. It was actually Leif Ericson who first set foot in was is now commonly known as Newfoundland some 500 years before. Only he didn’t really mention it too much and so no one really went to settle there. Apart from his sister. Who was killed by Indians. Basically, thanks to Leif, the world is 500 years behind where it could have been.

2. Father. Of all the fathers you could have, Eric The Red probably isn’t the one you would choose. He looked like Mick Hucknell in a helmet. And Leif had to live with that. For a short time.

3. Second Father. Who knows, perhaps Leif did call his father ‘Eric The Simply Red’. Something must have happened because when Leif reached the age of eight he was packed off to live with another man. That’s kind of weird. Even in today’s liberal society. So one can only applaud Leif for sticking it out for four years. Though, it must be stressed, that could just be a myth. Perhaps he didn’t have to stick it out at all. Either way, as we’ll discover later on, it had no effect on his sexual orientation.

4. Achievement. Most sixteen year old boys these days are locked in their rooms playing Call Of Duty or spending a little quality time with a copy of the M&S lingerie catalogue. Leif didn’t have such luxuries so he went out and found his own entertainment. Including capturing polar bears. Now, we’ve discussed the issues with regards to dating a polar bear in a previous post. And that was based on the assumption that you were going to be nothing but hospitable to the creature. So one can only conclude that capturing a polar bear increases those issues one-hundred fold. Still, he did it and he made a name for himself. Not a bad feat for the son of a ginger.

5. Lad. As previously indicated, Leif was not affected by his four year living arrangement with a strange old man and he came out of that house as hetrasexual as when he entered. In fact, he was a bit of a lad. On the first voyage that he captained, he was forced to land in the Hebrides. It was the Ibiza of the day. No sooner had he dropped anchor, he had also dropped his trousers. In front of the Lord’s daughter, Thorgunna. I don’t wish to sound vulgar here, but they had sex for a month. And they only stopped for lunch. Not that surprisingly Thorgunna – who had thawed Leif’s gun for the final time – announced she was pregnant. Leif then legged it back to his ship and set sail. You are probably questioning why we should be celebrating this? As you should. It’s deplorable behaviour. Well the thing is Thorgunna gave birth to a son, Thorgils. And when he was old enough he went to seek out Leif and Leif accepted him as his son. Which, for a viking who had by that time discovered grapes, set a fine example we would all do well to follow.

6. Nature. We seldom have days when we sit down and celebrate leaves. And that’s a little bit wrong. There are many shapes and colours out there and yet we take them for granted. Bemoaning their appearance all over the garden in autumn and their lack of visibility in winter. Now I am not proposing that we suddenly start celebrating leaves. How can you? It would be fake. What I suggest we do is celebrate the nearest thing to it. Leif. Then we can build up to a Maple or something. I don’t know really. In was just a thought. And I’m writing this before I think.

7. Vessel. Yes, Leif Ericson has a ferry named after him! The MV Leif Ericson cruises the route between North Sydney and Port aux Basques. (That’s the North Sydney in Canada obviously). I think this must be the one and only time a ferry has been named after someone that the vast majority of the world’s six billion either haven’t heard of or are completely apathetic towards. Let’s change this. He’s got a day and a ferry behind him, now he needs the world.

October 7, 2011
7 Reasons Postage Stamp Errors Are Entertaining

Last week you may have read that the US Postal Service have made something of a cock-up. Instead of an image of the Statue of Liberty appearing on their postage stamp, it’s actually an image of her Las Vegas based replica. Wondering if this was a one off the 7 Reasons team decided to do some investigating. We were surprised – and entertained – to discover that it has actually happen many times before. Here are seven of our favourites:

1. White House, USA. Incredibly, this isn’t the only error the US Postal Service have made this month. In the same batch of new postage stamp designs they also managed to use an image of a White House replica in Atlanta instead of the real McCoy in Washington DC. Luckily this error was spotted before printing began, but still a red face for the guy who has the shutterstock password.

2. Christ The Redeemer, Brazil. As recently as the start of the year the Brazilian Postal Service got themselves into a lot of trouble by using an image of The Angel Of The North on their postage stamp instead of one of the statue of Jesus Christ that looks down on the city.

3. Great Wall Of China, China. In 2005 the Chinese Postal Service made the catastrophic error of using an image of a replica of the Great Wall China on their postage stamp. The replica Great Wall Of China can be found in Splendid China – a theme park in Florida. Sadly, the head of the postal service paid the ultimate penalty.

4. Eiffel Tower, France. To celebrate France’s hosting of the Football World Cup in 1998, the French Postal Service released a collection of postage stamps showing images of famous French landmarks. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell them that the Blackpool Tower is very much in Great Britain. Printing was discontinued, but not before 10,000 had entered circulation.

5. Tikal Temple, Guatemala. The Tikal Temple which can be found in the Tikal National Park was supposed to appear on this postage stamp. Instead Mexico’s Chichen Itza turned up.

6. Big Ben, UK. As patriotic as we are, we can’t overlook this howler from our very own Royal Mail. They must have had the work experience boy in this week because 5,000 stamps depicting a straw Big Ben rolled off the printer.

7. Che Guevara, Cuba. Probably our favourite error comes from Cuba. This arty postage stamp was supposed to celebrate Che Guevara. Instead, it celebrates Tooting’s favourite son, Wolfie Smith.

April 18, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons That American Football is Better Than Soccer

It’s the first weekend of the Six Nations, so who better to hand the 7 Reasons sofa to than blogger, occasional 7 Reasons guest poster and sports nut, Richard O’Hagan. And what more appropriate subject for him to write about than…oh…the Super Bowl? Which is also happening this weekend. Apparently.

It’s Super Bowl weekend. What do you mean you hadn’t noticed? How could you not notice? It’s the biggest single sporting event in the world. No other event makes an entire country grind to a halt like the first Sunday in February does in America. You want to know how special it is? It’s one of only three days in the year when Americans actually manage to eat MORE than usual – no matter how impossible that might be to imagine.

Yes, all over America, football fans will be doing their best Mr Creosote impressions, barbecuing as if their very lives depended upon it and convincing themselves that they have room for just one more giant pretzel, before settling down in front of the television for the sporting event of the year. Meanwhile, people like me attempt to stay awake until stupid o’clock in the morning, because despite all of the above the Yanks haven’t yet worked out that there are people elsewhere in the world who like to watch the game, too, so they start the game at somewhere near midnight UK time.

And why do I put myself through this every year? Simple. American Football knocks just about every winter game into, if not a cocked hat, then a football helmet. And that particularly includes what Americans call soccer, because:

1. Fat People Can Play This Game, Too. Come on, when was the last time you saw a fat guy playing what, to avoid confusion, we shall also call ‘soccer’? A really fat person, the sort of guy who would make the 1980s Jan Molby look anorexic. I’ll tell you. Never. Even William ‘Fatty’ Foulkes, the fattest man ever to play professional football, was only average size for an American footballer. It’s an all-inclusive sport, you see, and for some positions on the field being 300lb-plus is a minimum requirement. And it is not just being over 300lbs that counts, because every one of those guys can run 40 yards in less than 6 seconds, and most of them do it in close to 5. Go and try that for yourself. Most of you won’t even come close.

2. And The Players Are Educated, Too. There’s one unbreakable rule in American Football, and that’s the one that says that you can’t play it professionally unless you have been to university for at least three years. Proper university. No going to the Mail Order University of Chipping Sodbury. And no studying nonsense degrees such as ‘The History of Popular Music Since the Spice Girls’. There are guys playing football with degrees from Harvard, from Yale and all of the other elite US universities. Compare that to a sport where Frank Lampard is regarded as educated because he has more than one GCSE.

3. Cheerleaders. Yes, I know that some soccer clubs have tried this, but frankly they are rubbish and wouldn’t even make a high school cheerleading team in the States. Football teams have proper cheerleaders, most of whom have also gone to university to train as cheerleaders. When it comes to grinning inanely, clenching your butt cheeks and waving pom-poms, you have to say that football is the best.

4. Lingerie. Sepp Blatter famously wanted female soccer players to wear skimpier kits. Americans have already embraced that idea and the women’s football is played indoors in little more than lingerie and protective pads. Google ‘Lingerie League’ and you’ll see what I mean. You might think it wrong and you might think it demeaning, but it gets a heck of a lot more television than the women’s premier league does and pays better, too.

5. Adverts. One of the biggest whinges about Football is the number of ad breaks, but in fact you hardly notice them (and see reason number six anyway). But look at the players’ kit. Notice anything? Takes you back, doesn’t it? Back to the era before every soccer team sullied their shirts with advertising. Every kit is pure and unadulterated and you can wear your team’s shirt without in some way providing your own endorsement for some evil corporate monolith and their tax-dodgy, peasant-exploiting ways.

6. Beer. You can drink alcohol at football matches. In most stadia they even bring it to your seat. You can’t do that at a soccer match. And even if you don’t have in-seat service you still need something to do during the ad breaks, and what better to do than getting another beer?

7. Hardness. Every time I see a soccer player lying sobbing on the pitch because an opponent breathed on him, I reach for the sick bag. You want to see proper hard men, watch the US game. And do it without whinging about the helmets and padding, because that just proves that you don’t know why they are worn (the explanation is too long for here). Instead, think of someone like kicker Nate Kaeding, who in 2008 played three games without realising he had a broken leg. That’s ‘leg’, not ‘fingernail’, soccer fan.

So go on, give the game a try. Take Monday off work, stock up on pretzels, doughnuts and tasteless beer, and settle down for some American action. It’s better than football.

February 5, 2011
7 Reasons To Give Someone A Hug

Did you know it was National Hug Day today? If you are reading this in the USA then you probably did. It’s quite big over there apparently. In the UK though, it has failed to catch on. In many ways 7 Reasons are indicative of this sad situation. We are more the high-fiving kind than the hugging variety. Today that changes though. Today we hug. And you should too. Here’s why:

1. Tactical. You’re waiting for a tube, a train or a bus. And you’re not alone. There are dozens and dozens of others doing exactly them same. So many in fact that there is no way you are all going to get on. There is no way you are hanging about for another thirty minutes for the next one though, so you need a plan. What will get you on that tube, train or bus ahead of everyone else? Save for a machete, it’s hugging. If you start hugging everyone in that queue their urge to get on that next tube, train or bus will begin to diminish. So much so that they’ll be very happy to let you get on and then wait in the pouring rain. Just in case hugging is only the start.

2. Approach. We’ve all been in the position of seeing someone we quite like the look of. Someone we’d like to say hello to. Someone we’d like to become friends with. Maybe more than friends if you are particularly horny. But one thing always stops us. We aren’t quite sure what to say. While ‘Hello’ always sounds like a promising opening, if you can’t back it up with something else you are opening yourself up to look like a lemon. You wish that they would just come over and talk to you. That would be fine. The problem is, they are full of the same doubts that you are. They don’t really know what to say either. Which is why you both walk on, never to see each other again. It’s an opportunity missed. If this sounds like you, you need to bring out the hug. The next time you see someone you like, just walk up to them and hug them. If they don’t respond, step away and look shocked, “Oh my goodness!” you exclaim, “I am so sorry. I thought you were someone else.” They’ll understand. If they do respond though, just keep that hug going. No talking will ever be required.

3. Annoy Uncle Marc. If you know one thing about Uncle Marc it’s that he doesn’t want a hug. He doesn’t want a hug from you and he certainly doesn’t want a hug from your children. He especially doesn’t want a hug from the child that just spilled milk all down her t-shirt and then pooed on the living room floor. Get that child to hug him. His face will be priceless.

4. Warmth. It’s easily done. You are walking along the banks of an icy river when a swan starts attacking you. In your scramble to fight back you end up in the icy waters. In a bid to avoid death and pneumonia, you make it back onto dry land. Keeping your freezing and soaking wet clothes on will do you no favours, so you quickly strip and protect your dignity with a swan’s wing. You then go in search of warmth. Bodily warmth. Fifty yards ahead you spy a man and woman out for a walk. Naked, you run towards them. They are too startled by the sight to move out of your way, leaving you to jump into their arms and regain that much needed heat.

5. Strength. What better way to show small children that you’re far more powerful than they are than to give them a bear-hug? And, as you wrap you powerful, grown-up arms around them and squeeze the very air from their lungs, they’ll be really impressed. Then they’ll file it away in their memory and return the favour when you’re an old man which, as no one ever wants to hug an old man, will be a welcome event for you. Even if it does lead to your first incontinent episode.

6. Surprise. Rather unfortunately you have just bumped into the side of someone’s Mercedes. It’s not all your fault, the brake on your skateboard fell off before you reached the top of the hill. There’s still damage though. To the car. And your Sony MiniDisc. The driver looks furious. He’s getting out of the car and his moustache is quivering with rage. You have a choice. A) Skate away leaving him and the pieces of your Sony MiniDisc on the floor. B) Apologize profusely, saying you’ll pay for the damage. C) Simply give him a big old squeeze. The chances are he’ll be expecting you to do either of the first two, so by hugging him you momentarily disarm him. Once this is done, you can apologize or skate away. Whichever it is, he’ll be standing in the middle of the road wondering what the hell just happened. By the time he has realized, you’ll be hugging some other bloke half a mile down the road.

7. Fun. I was once told that I hug like a murderer as I favour the one-handed hug (leaving my left hand free). Obviously, at 7 Reasons (.org) we’re not going to encourage you to use your free hand to stab the person that you’re hugging. That would be wrong* and potentially hazardous to you, should you be foolish enough to use a knife with too long a blade. At least you’d die in someone else’s arms though. But no, what you should use your free hand for is to affix a note to their back saying “I stole this coat from orphans” or “Please kiss me”. That’s the sort of thing that makes hugging worthwhile and rewarding. Who wants a hug?

*Not to mention the consternation that it would cause our legal representatives.

January 21, 2011
7 Reasons You Should Not Kayak Across The Pacific Ocean

If you are one of these hipsters who likes to engage in social networking via the likes of facebook and twitter, it is very likely that one, two or maybe all of your friends have posted a ‘funny’ piece of travel advice they have found on Google Maps. I say ‘funny’ in inverted commas because it is actually a very serious matter. The matter I refer to is the ‘joke’ that tells prospective travellers to make the journey from the USA to Japan via the Pacific Ocean in a kayak. How utterly irresponsible. There are many, many reasons why one should not do as Google Maps suggests, but to save my sanity (and your life) here are just seven.

1. Food. An average kayaker will travel at 5mph. Given that Google Maps says the distance – via Hawaii – between USA and Japan is 2,756 miles, it will take the adventurer just over 551 hours to make the journey. That’s a touch under 23 days. That’s 23 days worth of food you have to take with you. Now, assuming – as is very likely considering the departure point – that the traveller is American, that’s 89,537 calories. Or 92.7 Big Mac Meals. A kayak has storage for about 20 Big Mac Meals. You do the maths.

2. Sharks. The good news is, that out of the 440 species of shark found on our planet, only 36 of them exist in the Pacific Ocean. (Approximately. I am sure others visit for a day now and then.) Unfortunately, within the 36 species is the Great White Shark. The Great White Shark accounts for 20% of worldwide shark attacks. And, just before you come back at me with the stat, ‘of the 108 unprovoked attacks within the Pacific Ocean in the 20th century, only five included kayakers,’ let me tell you that there has never, ever been a Great White Shark attack on a plane.

3. Paddle. You may have heard of the phrase, ‘Up the creek without a paddle’. For those of you who haven’t, it basically means you are in a very serious situation and you haven’t got a bloody clue how you are going to get out of it. If you drop your paddle between the USA and Japan, you can change the word ‘creek’ for ‘Pacific’ but you can’t change the meaning.

4. Iodine. The average human will die if they go for more than three days without water. Luckily, in the Pacific Ocean you will find loads of it. Unluckily, if you drink too much of it, you will also die. That’s because it’s saltwater. If you are going to survive you are going to have to desalinate the seawater. You can do this by either attaching a desalination plant to your kayak – in which case you’ll sink before you even leave the beach – or you can use iodine. You will have to leave ten Big Mac Meals behind, but to survive it is probably worth it. The problem comes when you try and desalinate your beaker of water. You’re in a kayak. On the ocean. It’s bumpy. You have your paddle in one hand, the iodine in the other and the beaker between your legs. Now, I’ve never tried desalinating my penile appendage, but if I did, the middle of the Pacific Ocean, in a kayak, is a place where I know I couldn’t possibly fail. Unless…

5. A Sudden Wave hits the kayak. In which case the iodine might go overboard and desalinate the whole of the Ocean. You are going to murder many, many saltwater fish. And you’re heading to Japan. A country that’s built on fish (one in ten fish is eaten there). They’re not going to greet you warmly are they?

6. Tankers. Generally these are big ships who have very little interest in small-fry like you in your kayak. Mainly because they are always on auto-pilot while the captain has a snooze. If you just happen to be having a snooze at the same time, you are going to get crushed. And, just a warning, if you do survive, there is no point in shouting ‘Tanker!’ at them and waving your fist, if you do, you’ll miss the giant squid that’s about to squirt you with ink.

7. Jovan Pestoric Will Kiss You. In doing my research for this post – I came across the following Yahoo! Answers page where Lovely had asked if it was possible to kayak across the Pacific Ocean. There were only a few answers. One gave Lovely some valuable advice and advised it was not possible. They then said ‘Have fun!’. Then Javon Pestoric announced, ‘yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg if u do it ill kiss u’. I have no idea who Jovan is and, if watching people kayak over the Pacific Ocean is his kind of fetish, I don’t think I want to know either.

November 10, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Americans Call Football Soccer

After a brief stopover in England last week, the sofa is back on its tour of the USA. This Saturday we have wound up in…er…we’re not sure (we forgot to bring a compass and our map seems to have been printed upside-down). Literally thousands of people raced from their homes to see what the fuss was about, but it was Breana Orland who won the place on the 7 Reasons chaise longue. And it’s a good job she did because she’s going to explain to us one of life’s mysteries. Just why do Americans call football, soccer.

Breana Orland is a writer for Student Grants. She also gives advice on the pursuit of higher education and career options for young adults.

Leave it to the bloody yanks to bastardize the world’s sport by giving it a different name and, refusing so thoroughly to recognize its real name, that we assign it to a completely dissimilar sport. As per our usual custom, Americans have to do everything on their own terms. First we separated from England. Then we said no to the metric system (forget the liter, I need a gallon of milk!) and driving on the wrong side of the road (if we drive on the right side, then yours must be wrong). And finally, we took the most beloved sport in the world, football, and applied the name to a sport that should by all rights be called handball. And we named football, soccer. But if you ever wondered what caused Americans to raise the ire of football fans everywhere by giving it a new name, here are a few things you may want to consider.

1. We Already Have A Sport With That Name. Football may be THE international sport (played with feet), but here in America, football is a game that is played on Sunday by enormous men in spandex and padding that line up facing each other like they’re reenacting a pre-revolutionary battlefield. It is a sport played mainly with hands on the ball, but for some reason, we call it football.

2. Because Of The Soc? No, not the funny socks they wear. Apparently, soccer was a slang term derived from “soc” in the original name “associated football”, and since we gave the name football to the gridiron sport, the international sport of the same name got the short end of the soc.

3. We’re contrary! Deal with it! There’s a reason everyone thinks Americans are, um, jerks. We kind of are. You wanna go?!

4. New language Is Our Bag, Baby. Sure we inherited our national tongue from the British, but you don’t hear us running around shouting “Bollocks!” or “Pip, pip, cheerio!” In keeping our image as the kid who ran away from Mommy and Daddy, we have adopted our own accents and colloquialisms and set to making up words. If you don’t believe me, just consider the fact that “truthiness”, a fake word made popular by The Colbert Report’s Stephen Colbert, was actually added to the dictionary.

5. Soccer Is America’s Sport. That’s right; we jacked the world’s sport and gave it our own name. Then we stole England’s soccer legend (but Becks, wouldn’t you really rather live in Los Angeles?). Then we embarrassed them at the World Cup (okay, they embarrassed themselves). And still, it is the least recognized sport in our country. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

6. We did it our way. At least, according to Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman of the Board is never wrong. Americans always have to do things their own way, even if it means that we’re going against the entire world and firmly established facts or traditions.

7. We’re idiots. At least, according to the rest of the world. Apparently we just don’t get it and we never will. Maybe if you called it soccer…

July 31, 2010
7 Reasons to be Glad We’re Playing Germany (Again)

It’s been a fraught week at 7 Reasons (.org). First we upgraded the website, then we redesigned the website, then we had a catastrophic failure of the website which left us offline for a day and then we fixed it, and are still tinkering with it to make it more stable. This caused confusion. We didn’t know whose turn it was to post yesterday. So, being diligent, conscientious humourists, we both wrote one. Sadly, we found our inspiration in the same subject. Fortunately though, we both said completely different things so, with apologies to readers in Australia, South Africa and Greece, we’re writing about England versus Germany again today. And possibly on Monday too (we’re a bit excited by it all).

1. The Great Escape. As comedy genius Bob Mills has observed, playing The Great Escape theme at England matches is pointless and out of context. On Sunday though, it could be in context. If we win, we will liberate ourselves from decades of World Cup tyranny at the hands of Germany. It actually could be a great escape. This may be the first match at which hearing The Great Escape played atonally on a trumpet will be meaningful, rather than just primal-scream-inducingly irritating. Then, perhaps, we won’t have to hear it again.

2. 5-1. The spectre of their ignominious defeat will loom large in the German consciousness. When we beat Germany 5-1 in Munich in 2001, Steven Gerrard was the architect of a lot that was good about our performance. And now he’s our captain! That should put the fear of God into them. Also, they can’t be unaware of the popular refrain, “5-1, even Heskey scored”, and Heskey’s in the squad too, so the Germans are at a psychological disadvantage before the game even starts. “Nein nein nein, es ist das Ziel Maschine, Heskey” will be the fearful reaction of the Germans upon his introduction to the game. Gerrard seems really up for it too. On Wednesday he said of the Germany game, “Bring it on!” . Well, he said “Brincchhh ii on”, in a voice so high that it startled dogs – I’ve had it translated.

3. Tyldesley. In commentary on Germany versus Ghana, Clive Tyldesley said, “…it’s a different Germany than we’ve seen in past tournaments”. This is excellent news. If Clive is right – and anyone who’s met a man named Clive will know that Clives are never wrong – this can only be good for us. After all, in past tournaments (except the one where the Russian linesman helped out), the Germany that we’ve seen have knocked us out (often on penalties). Bring on the different Germany!

Fabio Capello: Pictured outside a Little Chef.

4. Beer. Fabio Capello is coming to terms with the new challenges of managing at international tournament level. When we played well in the match against Slovenia…Slovakia?…no, almost certainly Slovenia, Fabio Capello attributed our much improved performance to permitting the England squad to drink beer on the night before the game. Germans, as we know, consume most of their beer in October so their team won’t realise its performance potential until November, by which time the match will definitely be over. It’s not tennis, after all. Is that match still going?

5. Common Bond. Germany and England have so much in common: They eat sausages, we eat sausages; they drink beer, we drink beer; they drive BMWs, we drive BMWs; they dress up in braces and leather hotpants and put a feather in their hatbands and slap each other’s bottoms, we…er…well…we don’t. Because it’s weird. But I doubt that lederhosen is what makes them good at penalties and, sooner or later, given that they’re so similar a nation to us, they’ll cock them up. After all, if the match goes to penalties Germany will have the pressure of expectation weighing on their shoulders. England certainly won’t.

6. Confidence. England had an uncertain start to World Cup 2010 but, on the evidence of Wednesday’s performance, we seem to be growing in confidence. We don’t have the self-possessed surety that the Brazil and Argentina teams seem to be imbued with, but there’s a way that we can attain that: By beating Germany. If we beat them on Sunday, our team will get the monkey off our back and will feel that they can take anyone on. The traditional obstacle to England’s progression in world cup tournaments will have been removed and we’ll believe we can accomplish anything. Except a Heskey goal, obviously, no one (except Germany) expects that.

7. Defences. The German defence looks suspect. Ghana created – and spurned – countless opportunities against them. The most notable of these occurred after thirteen minutes when Germany were totally undone by a fluid passing move at the right hand side of their penalty area. Sound familiar? Correct. That’s the same area that all of the brilliant creative interplay between Gerrard and Rooney took place in the England versus Slovenia match. They won’t be able to defend against it. “Take that, Mertesacker!” will be a particularly enjoyable thing to exclaim during the match when we score against them.

Our defence will be able to contain them. Most of the good attacking German play in this World Cup has occurred on the wings. And we have two fantastic fullbacks with Gerrard and Milner in front of them who’ll track back too. I don’t know what we’ll exclaim when we prevent them from scoring against us. “Blimey”, probably, or “crumbs”. But that’s what’s going to happen. We can win this. Be glad that we’re playing Germany on Sunday. Well…at least until kick-off. Then feel anxious as usual.

June 25, 2010