Tag: seven reasons

7 Reasons That Bank Holiday Weekends Are Weird

1. Bank Holiday Monday. It’s weird. It’s a second Sunday. Shops and public transport operate on Sunday time on bank holiday Mondays, but Sunday is a pudding of a day: So why not make the Sunday of the bank holiday weekend a second Saturday instead? Then we’d have two Saturdays and only one Sunday (Monday), which is a much better Saturday: Sunday ratio. Plus, people spend more on Saturdays, so it would help the economy. See, I’ve thought this through.

2. The Wray Scarecrow Festival. Possibly one of the best bank holiday events anywhere in the world. It’s a festival of scarecrows! It’s almost as good as cheese-rolling! Look! Scarecrows! Bloody thousands of them (well, several).

3. Weather. Western Sub-Saharan Africa and Indo-Australia are afflicted with particularly intense monsoon seasons. In Britain, we have one too. Every bloody bank holiday weekend. This is why one of our more notable national traits is moaning about the weather. Well, that and tea consumption. On balance, I prefer moaning.

4. People. People do strange things during bank holidays. This bank holiday weekend, I found myself at home alone and decided to watch the classic ITV documentary series, The World At War. All twenty-six episodes. I watched the entire Second World War in three days. Madness. No one sets themselves that sort of stupid task on a normal weekend. They do practical things like building an Anderson Shelter in the garden or shopping for powdered egg and nylons.*

5. The Following Week. The bank holiday throws the whole working week off kilter. Tuesday becomes Monday, Wednesday becomes Tuesday, Thursday becomes Wednesday yet Friday is still Friday, because we’ve all adjusted by the time we get to it. But a day’s gone missing somewhere. Hasn’t it?

6. Banks. Why do banks even get their own holiday? Is it so they can look down their noses at building societies? Is it to give them less time in which to cock up the global economy? Perhaps we should have more bank holidays.

7. Cheese Rolling. The best thing in the history of the world: Better than powered flight; better than cricket; better than sausages. It’s cheese-rolling. If you haven’t seen cheese-rolling before, here’s some footage.**

*I may have watched too much war.

** That was a person with a horse’s head, by the way. You weren’t imagining it. Thought you’d like to know.

May 4, 2010
7 Reasons The Brylcreem Batting Challenge Is Flawed

The Brylcreem Batting Challenge puts you in the shoes of Kevin Pietersen and tells you to smack the ball as far as you can. It sounds like fun. And it was. Until I started getting bored and noticed how much better it could be.

1. The Ball. It’s bloody huge. It should break KP’s bat. Does it? Of course not. In fact it can be hit as far as a giant India-based jelly. As we shall see in a minute.

2. KP’s Neck. He hasn’t got one. I have seen Kevin Pietersen in the flesh. And there was quite a sizable neck on show. So where the hell has it gone? If they wanted a cricketer without a neck they should have called Gladstone Small.

3. Barbados. According to Brylcreem this is Barbados. Not only is it very small it would appear that a three toed giant is buried under the beach.

4. The Giant Lizard. This lizard is just across the sea from Barbados – on a beach in St. Vincent and the Grenadines by my calculations. That’s some 100 miles away. That scale makes this lizard approximately 65 miles long. Thank goodness my shot landed in the water. I would hate to have riled it.

5. India. At least I assume this is India. That is where I thought the Taj Mahal was situated. It’s quite hard to tell though when you have the Sydney Opera House and a giant jelly in the background.

6. New York. We started in England, then we went to the West Indies, then India, then Australia. I can understand that. Proper cricket nations in a proper cricket game. So why the hell have I just ended up in the Big Apple? Where is South Africa or Sri Lanka or New Zealand?

7. The Brylcreem Zone. It is not so much the fact that I ended up in the Brylcreem Zone that frustrates me – this is the objective of the game – it’s what I get for arriving here. My style is upgraded and I get a bonus 2000 points. Is that it? I have just twatted a ball from London to the Brylcreem Zone and all I get is a style upgrade and 2000 meaningless bonus points? Where the hell is my 10% discount code? Why is KP not nodding his appreciation? Has his big head fallen off? What a waste of bloody time.

May 3, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Freckles Are Genius

It’s Saturday. And you know what that means. Marc and I are allowed up from the sofa to stretch our legs. In our place this week is Claire Quinn. (You can follow her extraordinary life on twitter here). And, in something of an historic moment, she actually is sitting on the 7 Reasons sofa. Well the London half of it anyway. The other half is in York. It could be said that she has freckles. But she doesn’t care. And this is why.

This Isn't Me. Or Claire.

1. Practical Games For The Children. Anything from connect the dots – or join the freckles as it would be in this case – to learning to count can be done with freckles. Assuming they are using your freckles, well, you can have some fun too. Frowning is really going to muck-up their sums.

2. Suncream Saver. The more freckles you have, the less suncream you need to use; you only need to apply the lotion in-between said freckles. All the money that you save could be spent on something else. Like gin! :O)

3. Spot Cover Up. No one really likes spots – I guess there is a sadistic pleasure in squeezing them – but no one wants them on show. Which is why people cover them up, but with freckles you don’t have to! Ooo so you save money again – make-up purchases are fewer than the average non freckly personage.

4. It’s All In The Name. Freckles aren’t just called freckles. They also go by the name of fern tickles. This makes them special. Birth marks don’t have another name. Moles don’t have another name. Spots could be called ‘blemishes’ I suppose, but that’s in no way the same.

5. Look Browner. So it might just be from a distance – up close you just look like you’re covered in freckles – but from a distance you do look completely tanned. There is bound to be someone out there who likes the ol’ ‘tanned at a distance, freckle-ly up close’ appearance and if there isn’t please don’t tell me.. because I’m counting on that!

6. The Lovers. If you have a lover you can get them to kiss all your freckles. If you have a lot of freckles like me it will mean you will get a lot of attention. If you don’t, ask the cat*.

7. A Feature. Most people have something about them they would rather change. Maybe it’s a big nose or big ears or just one big ear or maybe a small ear or maybe nothing ear related at all. Maybe it’s a birthmark right in the middle of their forehead. Or maybe they have ginger hair. If these people were asked what they would swap them for, they would say freckles. No one would swap freckles for one big ear and one small ear would they?

*Or kitty.

May 1, 2010
7 Reasons That it Sucks to be a Psychedelic Penguin

1. Ostracisation. The other penguins won’t play with you, because you’re different, and penguins can be mean.

2. Confectionery. The manufacturers of Penguin bars won’t like you, because your colours would increase their printing costs and their accountants are all about the bottom line and are mean.

3. Spectacle. People may capture you and imprison you in a zoo, because you’re different, and people are mean.

4. Movies. Black and white movie-makers will shun you. This is because you eclipse their colourless show, and because they are mean.

5. Dinner. Killer whales will be able to see you more easily, and will eat you, because killer whales are mean (and greedy).

6. Decor. Interior designers will detest you because you will ruin their carefully planned colour schemes, and because interior designers are mean.

7. Poo. No one will want to step on your psychedelic poo. This is because poo -psychedelic or otherwise – is disgusting. They’ll know it was you that did it too.

Okay, who doesn’t want a psychedelic penguin?

*7 Reasons for grown-ups will return tomorrow.

April 30, 2010
7 Reasons To Walk Backwards

1. Improved Awareness Of The Spacial Kind. When you are walking forwards, you generally don’t think about what is behind you. In fact, I would go so far as to say you are only thinking about what’s in front of you. And maybe that dog to your left. Walk backwards though and not only are you aware of what is in front of you – which is actually behind you – but you are also thinking about what is behind you. Which is actually in front of you.

2. Improved Moves On The Floor Of Dance. The only reason people don’t like dancing is because they are too self-conscious. And they are self-conscious because they are rubbish. So rubbish that they make Rick Astley look like Wayne Sleep. I am one of these people. I do make Astley look like Sleep. Sorry about that. However, I have always thought that – if push came to shove – I’d be able to do that walking backwards move Michael Jackson did. Or the moonwalk as he labelled it. Turns out I can’t. With lots of walking backwards I can only improve though.

3. Improved Chances Of Burning That Fat. Let’s be honest, if you can’t see where you are going you are more likely to walk off in the wrong direction. More walking = less fat.

4. Improved Chances Of Getting To Your Destination Without Moaning. The problem with walking forwards is that you can see your destination. This is usually bloody miles away. Even if it’s the local pub. You can never get there quick enough. It saps all motivation and you are in a bad mood for the rest of the walk. Spin on your heels and walk backwards though and suddenly there is no reason to get in a bad mood. Instead you can concentrate on the local plant life. Or chavs as they are more commonly known.

5. Improved Chances Of Rekindling Your Youth By Playing Bumper Cars* Again. If you walk backwards you will be able to see those who want to try and overtake you. Folding your arms and jinking from side-to-side on the pavement may just convince your nemesis to do the same. Suddenly you are embroiled in the best game of Bumper Cars ever. Even better than when you drove so hard into Ben Watford that he flew backwards and fell over the wall.**

6. Improved Facial Expression Comprehension. I like holding hands (probably because the BBC told me I’m a male lesbian). Generally this is the hand of someone else as opposed to my own. To be precise it’s the hand of the real genius behind most of my posts. (No, not Marc’s). The real genius occasionally lends her hand to me if I’ve been good. The problem is that holding someone else’s hand involves walking side-by-side. This is not the most practical position in which to hold a conversation. Unless you both turn to face each other you can’t see their expressions or indeed where they are looking. As a result she can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic and he can’t tell if she’s talking to him or that horse again. If he walks backwards then they can look at each other. And live happily ever after. Or until she pushes him into the road. Whichever comes first really.

7. Improved Chances Of Reducing Carbon Monoxide. Walking over a zebra crossing backwards – and then spinning on your heels halfway before heading back in the same direction – has to be the quickest way to cause road rage. And thus the removal of licenses.**

*I’m not actually sure how well known Bumper Cars is. Basically, all you do is run around the playground with your arms folded and…erm…bump into people. I don’t do this anymore. I have been banned from the playground.

**That may have just been me. And he was a bully. So it’s okay.

*** Don’t try this at home. (It won’t work. Try the road).

April 29, 2010
7 Reasons That Shaking Hands Is Weird

Shaking hands is a well established custom. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a bit strange though. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Movement. We all know that the handshake developed as a way of demonstrating that the participants were unarmed (that’s the hand part). But what’s with the shake? Why do we move our hands up and down? Why don’t we move our hands from side to side or in a circular motion? Why don’t we jump up and down or stand on one leg? Why not dance the Hokey-Cokey or play the pat-a-cake pat-a-cake game – or am I thinking about Freemasons? Anyway, the up-and-down thing is odd.

2. Spouse. I once congratulated my wife for something or other (forgetting what for is probably the reason I’ve never been nominated for Husband of the Year) by very formally, and firmly, shaking her hand and saying, “Well done, Darling” in a plummy accent. Though funny, it was quite a strange experience. We’d been together for ten years by then and had never shaken hands before. She spontaneously erupted into giggles several times during the remainder of the day. She still thinks it’s one of the funniest things ever. If you want a weird experience, give your partner a firm handshake.

3. Women. Shaking hands with a woman is strange. Kissing a woman is not strange. That’s why I’m a kisser, not a shaker. Men – during their boyhood – are trained to shake hands: Women – during their boyhood – are not trained to shake hands and, consequently, they don’t do it well. I don’t know what women are being trained to do while they’re not being taught to shake hands. Possibly they’re being taught to smell nice.

4. Hygiene. I’m sure we’ve all heard various statistics about the amount of urine found in bar snacks. The urine gets there via contact with hands. Unwashed hands. The same hands that people want you to shake. Shaking hands is an exchange of urine then. Lovely. (There are actually very good reasons not to wash your hands in the men’s toilets at bars – mostly to do with having to touch the taps and the hand dryer. Here’s the rationale: If I thought my hands were dirty, what’s the last part of my body that I would touch with them? That’s right. And I’m not so inept that I ever piss on my own hands, so they don’t need washing afterwards. And I now realise that I’ve become distracted from writing about handshakes and am writing about my penis, which is not really how Jon or I envisaged 7 Reasons going: It’s more how I imagined psychotherapy going. So, anyway, back to handshaking…)

5. (…or not) Penises. While it’s on my mind: Men spend a lot of time touching their penises. Also, men shake hands a lot. So, when men shake hands, they’re touching penises by proxy. This is bad. Heterosexual men do not want to do this. In fact, direct penis-to-penis contact between two heterosexual men is the worst thing that can happen in the world: worse than anything that can happen in the Large Hadron Collider; worse than being eaten by a horse; worse even, than a day-trip to Whitstable. The proxy-penis-contact that comes about by the shaking of hands isn’t as bad as direct contact, but it’s definitely not a good thing. I may never shake another hand again after that thought.

6. Left-handed-handshakes. The Italian word for left is sinistra, it’s where we get the word sinister from. Obviously, in these enlightened times, we know that there’s nothing inherently evil about being left-handed. Handshaking with your left hand is a thoroughly bad thing though. The correct response to anyone who offers you their left hand is to take a step backwards, stare at their hand and think “git”.

7. Dogs. One of the first things most dog-owners train their dog to do is proffer its paw for a “hand” shake. Why? Why is this pointless exercise given priority over training them to use the toilet, teaching them not to chase cyclists or getting them not to stick their many-toothed-snouts into the crotches of terrified house-guests? Who the hell wants to shake hands with a dog?

April 28, 2010
7 Reasons The Birthday Tea Could Have Gone Better

1. The Present. Make sure you give it to your girlfriend before she goes to work. Otherwise you will spend all day worrying about whether she will like it or not. In this state of anxiety you may forget the more important things. Like taking your wallet to Sainsburys with you.

2. Balloons. These should not be blown up near cacti. Not only will it give you heart palpitations, you will also feel a massive prick.

3. Banners. It really helps if you notice before you get to the till that you have picked up a ‘Congratulations Birthday Boy!’ banner instead of, for example, a ‘Happy Birthday Girlfriend’ one.

4. Birthday Cake. No matter how sturdy the box looks, the cake really, really should not be placed at the bottom of your shopping bag. At an angle. Unless you want to lose the walnut topping that is.

5. Cocktail Sticks. There really is no point in buying them if you forget to buy something to put on them. And no, mini Gingerbread Men are not an adequate substitute for mini sausages.

6. Sandwiches. Generally, cucumber and cream-cheese sandwiches taste like they should when they have cucumber in them. Otherwise they just taste like cream-cheese sandwiches. It seems pretty obvious, but you’ll be amazed at the number of people who forget.

7. The Gingerbread Men. Don’t open them and have a couple at lunchtime just because you are hungry. It makes it look like you have decided to buy party food because you want to eat it and not because you think it will make your girlfriend smile.

*None of these are from personal experience. Or at least not all of them.

April 27, 2010
7 Reasons That The Pope SHOULD Sing With The Queen.

As you’re probably aware, a recent Foreign Office brainstorming session came up with a number of ideas for the upcoming papal visit. These included suggestions that the Pope: open an abortion clinic; release a range of branded condoms; bless a gay marriage; spend the night in a council flat in Bradford, and duet with the Queen. We thought about it for a bit, and decided that the Pope duetting with the Queen would be brilliant. In fact, we’d like to take the Foreign Office idea further and suggest that they put on a regal/papal concert for us during the visit. That would surely go a long way to helping Anglo-Vato(?) (Anglo-Popo?) relations. Anyway, here are 7 Reasons that the Pope should sing with the Queen.

1. Restate existing views (in song). Bohemian Rhapsody would be perfect for the concert; after all, it’s already a Queen song. The Queen can sing the main vocal and the Pope can be the chorus of scary inquisitors (this shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for him, as he disagreed with the apology to Galileo that Pope John-Paul II made almost 400 years after the event). Singing Bohemian Rhapsody would allow him to restate his position on the Inquisition in a light-hearted way which wouldn’t make him seem wholly un-loveable. Or perhaps it would. We suppose that depends on whether you see the Inquisition as a good or a bad thing. Hmmm.

2. Apology. The F.O. document also stated that the Pope should apologise for the Spanish Armada. We don’t know why he should apologise, but we haven’t had one from anyone yet, so why not? A rendition of Rod Stewart’s Sailing, with slightly altered lyrics, would tell the story of the Armada and would enable the Pope to apologise to the current Queen Elizabeth (how appropriate). Obviously Nick Drake’s dead, but Francis Rossi could probably earn himself a knighthood by accompanying the pontiff on guitar. We imagine the Pope’s verse would go like this:

I am sorry, I am sorry,

For the Spaniards, from the sea.

I am sorry, I’m so sorry,

I’ll denounce bullfights, immediately.

3. The Church of England. We’re pretty sure that we blotted our copybook a bit with the English Reformation, so it’s important to reassure the Pope that we’re not a godless nation. The Queen will do this during the concert by singing, as a hymn to God, a specially adapted Olivia Newton-John song re-titled Popelessly Devoted To You.

4. Levity. Obviously, the regal/papal concert won’t all be gloom and diplomacy and the Queen will provide some light-relief by putting on her best Dick Van Dyke accent and singing this song about Vatican life from the musical, Mary Poppins:

Chim chiminey,

Chim chiminey,

Chim chim cher-oo.

Your smoke it is white

And your Pope, he is new.

5. Reconciliation. The current hullabaloo about the Foreign Office suggestions for the papal visit can only damage relations (which have never been great) between the British monarchy and the papacy. What better way to reconcile the Queen and the Pope than to have decorated war hero, Prince Phillip, join the Queen and former member of the Hitler Youth, Pope Benedict XVI, in a song? That can only go well.

6. Equality. When our heads of state meet, the Pope will probably feel a little like a poor relation. After all, the Queen (okay, she’s only 245^th on the Sunday Times Rich List) is the head of a country with a long and glorious history, while the Pope’s the head of the Vatican – which is a few buildings in the middle of Rome. So it’s important that the Queen makes the pontiff – and his state (population 800) – feel important. To this end, she will lead the audience in a rousing – though brief – rendition of Land Of Pope And Glory.

7. Scandal. The paedophilia scandal in the US has rocked the Catholic church. The Pope, however, doesn’t seem to be aware of it. During the concert the Pope can attempt to explain his unawareness by singing an updated version of the Jimi Hendrix song, Papal Haze. The Pope and The Queen will also duet on the song Summer Nights, from the musical Grease. They will be backed by choirboys, who will exhort The Pope to “Tell me more, tell me more”, as he sings a new verse about the scandal in the US. Also during the song, they will inquire of The Queen:

Tell me more, tell me more,

Like does he have a car.

Tell me more, tell me more,

Why’s his handbag on fire?

Depending on how well the Pope’s new verses go they might also enquire as to whether his pants are on fire.

We haven’t finalised the set-list for the concert yet, so if there’s a song that you would like to see the Queen and the Pope sing, please let us know via the comments section.

April 26, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: The 7 Reasons Q&A Session In Video Format

This doesn’t really need an introduction. Just press play. Or if that doesn’t work, email us and ask for a transcript. We won’t send you one, but we like to be asked.

The 7 Reasons Q&A Session

The winner of last week’s Eighth Reason Competition was Robert. A. Foot. Partly as he was the only one to give a reason and partly because he is already owed a badge for his Guest Post last Saturday. This just reminds me to send it to him.

April 25, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Musical Chairs Is Not Just For Birthdays

Joining us on the 7 Reasons sofa this week is a packet of biscuits. Unfortunately, a packet of biscuits is incapable of writing a 7 Reasons post. Even when they are ginger nuts. As a result, I – that’s me – have been dragged into the office on a Saturday to entertain you. It better be bloody worth it. Show me you love me. Thumb me up.

Via http://www.fantasticalreality.com/

1. Speed Dating. There are so many reasons to introduce musical chairs to speed dating. Seven in fact. That is the correct number. It lets you see who is the fastest, the fittest and the least sweaty potential date. You can see who wants you more. They will go for the chair opposite you everytime. You can see who has a shocking taste in music. That’ll be the guy who skips a bit when Madonna’s ‘Material Girl’ comes on. Actually that’s two birds with one stone. You can also spot the best movers. And finally of course, you can see who can handle their drink the best. Literally I mean. The last thing you want is to bring someone back to yours who so readily spills red wine.

2. Getting Tables In Popular Restaurants. Now I’m quite good at getting tables in restaurants that are apparently always full. It’s not because I am well known, it’s because I book about five years ahead. I don’t see why so-called ‘celebrities’ should be able to just turn up and get a table though. What have they ever done apart from sell copies of Heat? Musical chairs gives power back to the people. They would beat a celebrity to a chair anyday. Okay, so they won’t be able to pay the bill, but that’s why you play musical chairs again at the end of the meal. Richard Bacon can pay it.

3. A Seat On The Bus/Train/Tube. It always annoys me when people don’t offer their seat to the elderly or those who look like they might be about to keel over. I’m not saying I’m perfect, there has been the odd time when I’ve made a pregnant woman have her contractions standing up, but in general I do offer up my seat. But I don’t see why it should always be me. I have as much right to sit down as the plank with his jeans round his knees. I couldn’t give a damn if he says he has to sit down otherwise they’ll be around his ankles. He should invest in a sodding belt. Or better still remain as he is. We play musical chairs; he’ll trip over; I get a seat. Result.

4. The Prime Minister. I don’t know about you, but whenever I watch PMQs it always annoys me that Gordon Brown never answers the bloody question. And the same applies to Tony Blair and John Major and everyone else who has had that seat. It’s about time we found out if anyone in the House of Commons can actually give a straight answer. A game of musical chairs is the most obvious way of finding out. (We’ll go clockwise. That means Harriet Harman is our last resort).*

5. The Cinema. It’s not like the theatre where you pay more for the best view. In the cinema you pay £12 (well you do where I live) whether you are in the perfect position to see the whole screen or just the perfect position to gain neck ache. Let’s sort it out. Everyone gets ten seconds in each seat. Genius.

6. My Lounge. In fact this applies to every lounge, dining room, kitchen, conservatory and reception room I have ever had the pleasure of living in. I always end up with ‘my’ chair. It’s not ‘my’ chair per se – apart from in this house because actually all the chairs are mine – it’s just the chair I have a habit of sitting in all the time. It’s not good for the cushions. They need another person to sit differently on them. I suppose I could just say, ‘Let’s swap seats’ but I live with a girl and she’ll probably just think I am accusing her of being fat, heavy lump. Which she’s not.

7. The 7 Reasons Sofa. Like me, I bet you have always wondered what would happen if I Marc and I swapped positions on the 7 Reasons sofa. The answer is probably nothing exciting – though I would be tempted to uncross my legs. My foot has gone to sleep. That would actually be a very humorous reason to play musical chairs with the 7 Reasons sofa. I would probably walk around the sofa like Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects and Marc would amble around like the BFG. Now I have said that, perhaps we’ll just stay as we are.

*7 Reasons has no allegiances to one party or another. I do, but 7 Reasons doesn’t.

April 24, 2010