Tag: phone

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Having No Mobile Signal is Worse Than A Zombie Apocalypse

Needless to say, it’s only a matter of time before the zombie apocalypse (I’m guestimating at around three to four years) but a world populated with angry, brain-obsessed shufflers needn’t be the end of the world (although that’s pretty much exactly what it is). There are plenty of things that are more of a hindrance than those stupid slow-coach zombies – such as having no mobile phone signal. Let’s take a look at the most obvious 7 Reasons (there are hundreds to choose from) that a having no mobile signal is, in fact, considerably worse than a world beset by grey-matter gobblers:

1. Inconvenience. Just imagine how angry you’re going to be when you get home from the pub, filled with Guinness (there are other beers available. They’re just not as nice) and you have a craving for a pizza. You whip out your mobile phone to ring the local Papa Johns and, lo-and-behold, no phone signal! Call me crazy but, in my book, this is much more of an inconvenience than having some undead chap shuffling after you trying to get their takeaway of choice i.e. brains.

2. Social Media. Picture this – you’re being chased by a zombie and the poor unfortunate ghoul trips over whilst he is chasing you. How annoying would it be not being able to upload “LOL – Epic Zombie Fail. Tripped Over…” as your Facebook Status because your phone has no signal. That, my friends, is a world not worth thinking about.

3. Popularity. If you’re anything like me, your mobile phone will constantly be ringing off the hook with requests to go to fun social events or just out to the pub but ever since I’ve moved to an area with no mobile phone signal, I’ve not being get such invites. I didn’t get them before either but there must have been some other reason for that. At least, with the zombie apocalypse, you can try and befriend some of the less “bitey” ones.

4. Emergencies. Needless to say, in a world ravaged by zombies, you’re probably going to have to ring the emergency services from time to time with issues such as:

999 Operator: 999, what’s your emergency?

You: Errrrm, yeah, so there’s a zombie eating my Shih Tzu.

999 Operator: That, sir, is not an emergency. Goodbye.

Or something like that.

5. Pranks. Obviously, the mobile phone is integral to many pranks and if you’re unfortunate enough to live in an area which is utterly bereft of phone signal, your pranking capabilities will be severely inhibited. Having zombies clawing at your door will obviously be a bit annoying that but an inability to phone up the local takeaway restaurant with the name Joe Mama is patently much, much worse.

6. Boredom. As you may have noticed, people are now more or less tethered to their smartphones and it could be potentially difficult to spot the normal from the zombies in this post-apocalyptic world as we’re slaves to our phones and they’re slaves to their insatiable desire to chow down on brains. Without our phones, our propensity to get bored increases significantly and this, my friends, is another reason that having no phone signal is worse than a zombie apocalypse.

7. Parents. Even if there’s a zombie apocalypse, your parents are going to still be sitting at home wondering why you’re not calling them. If you live in a mobile phone area with no reception you can use that as an excuse for not calling but a zombie apocalypse? No, that won’t fly with the old parental units. They’ll want their Sunday phone call still.

Have you got concerns about an impending zombie apocalypse? Rightly so. It prepares to be ready for such an eventuality so you can sort out your mobile phone receptions problems with a LiGo BlueWave Mobile Hub which will get rid of those pesky “dead-spots” for mobile phone signal. You can find this product online at LiGo Cordless Phones.

February 27, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Call Home Regularly While Travelling

Those wishing to avoid excessive roaming charges while exploring the far flung corners of the globe may assume that relying on emails and instant messaging services offer the best way to stay in touch with those left behind. There are, however, many cheap ways to call home while travelling, and plenty of reasons to do so – here are just seven of them.

1. To check on your housesitters. So you’re off on a year’s trip around the world and you’ve rented the house out to that lovely old Mrs Bates. Admittedly her son Norman was a little creepy, but everything will be alright, won’t it? There are simply some occasions when an email just can’t give you the reassurances you need, and a human voice can.

2. To gloat. You may have posted your photos on Facebook and kept your travel blog full of daring escapades and tantalising travel titbits, but nothing can make you enjoy your holidays more than hearing those miserable voices from back home still moaning about the weather, congestion on the road to work and humdrum details of their daily life. Make that call to really feel great about your break.

3. To borrow money. After kicking off your travels with a week in Monte Carlo, your carefully made travel budget plans may suddenly be looking about as secure as the Greek economy. When the chips are down, a pleading email for money just won’t give you the emotional edge that you require to secure that couple of thousand needed to carry out your itinerary. Make sure you’re ready to sound really desperate as your fingers dial home.

4. To secure favours. It’s lovely to get a phone call from a friend or relative who has been out of the country for a while and you can make that warm glow work to your advantage. Once you’ve made sure they’re feeling special and loved (“I just wanted to hear your voice to make me feel like I was home…”) you can get them working for you to finish off all those bits you didn’t get around to before dropping everything and taking off on your trip of a lifetime.

Garden watered – check. Mail opened and answered – check. Taxing your motorbike (“It’s just impossible from this godforsaken place”) – check. With just one or two phone calls it can be a done deal.

5. To apologise for the lack of birthday presents. That special anniversary or birthday really shouldn’t be missed just because you’re away. If there’s an internet connection, there is always Amazon and they’ll even gift wrap it for you. It just is so easy to forget dates back home when you’re far away from it but, don’t worry, a phone call can put things right. There is, however, one date that you forget at your peril. You don’t need to send a present but this could truly be your last trip anywhere, ever, if you don’t call home on Mother’s Day.

6. To speak to work. Sometimes we just need to extend our travels. After all, the flights have all been paid for and we’re already in Asia, so an extra couple of weeks won’t cost the earth ─ if only it can be squared with the boss. This one is best handled by a call rather than an email. And, if you need that job when you return get your reasons, excuses and sob stories straight before you’re connected.

7. Because it’s just so darn cheap! Calling home from abroad simply doesn’t have to be expensive. With internet calls offered by VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) services you can actually call home from most places in the world for free.

Skype allows you to make phone or video calls but with services like those offered by Vonage.co.uk you don’t even need a computer to make an internet call. Find out how to set up a new phone number that you can use from any phone near a broadband supply and you could be calling home from anywhere for the price of a local call. Now you have no excuses!

October 8, 2012
7 Reasons I’m Not Going To Win A Nobel Prize Anytime Soon

On Tuesday evening this flyer popped through the letter box. It is fair to say I nearly fell off my half of the 7 Reasons sofa. ‘Entrepreneurs Needed’. Entrepreneurs! That’s me. ‘Groundbreaking Nobel Prize Winning Product’. Groundbreaking! Nobel Prize Winning! Product! They are all me too. Well, not the Nobel Prize bit. Not yet. But it could be me. ‘Call NOW’ Okay! Only I didn’t. I went back to making my spaghetti omelette. But yesterday… yesterday I gave them a call. And this is how it went.

*Now, before you press play I need to tell you something. In this phone call I’m a bit sarcastic. I was expecting this groundbreaking Nobel Prize winning product to be something like a new kind of penis pump or a tulip that sings forty-six national anthems. With a Jamaican dialect. (And, be honest, who wouldn’t like a penis pump with a Jamaican dialect?) Thing thing is though, this product is neither of those. In fact, it’s a very serious product relating to health issues and is inspired by the death of someone’s father. Something I only discovered a couple of minutes into the call. So, while I wouldn’t say what you are about to hear is in any way offensive, you may find my comments and subsequent reasons insensitive. If you think that could be you, my advice would be to just ignore today’s piece and come back tomorrow.*

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/20360733″]

Yes, I cut him off. I was bored. But more than that, I was frustrated. Five minutes I’d been on the phone and I still didn’t know what the product was or what I was needed for. And there was something else. A number of things this man said alarmed me. Let’s take it from the top.

1. As Heard From 0:46 – “If you’ve ever wanted to be involved in the early stages of a proven success story that is about to experience dramatic growth throughout the UK (and Europe) please continue to listen.” It’s not the proven success that bothers me here. Or, indeed, the promise of dramatic growth*. It’s the use of Europe. (The continent, not the band. Though the use of ‘Final Countdown’ as a backing track would have been apt). Europe, in this case, is very much an after thought. As if he doesn’t really believe it. And it’s silly. I wouldn’t go around saying I’ve got this great product that is going to be popular in Maidstone and the World would I? Maidstone (at least some parts of it) is already in the World. As the entrepreneur this man is seeking, I am left with severe doubts. I’m suspicious that he was going to try and charm me with the allure of freshly baked croissants. Well sorry pal, but you’ve picked the wrong man.

2. As Heard From 1:30 – “If you are keen to develop a significant residual income…” Hello! He’s played the money card straight away! I’ve watched Dragon’s Den too many times to know that this is too good to be true. Start off with the money card and three things happen. Firstly, the promise of profits are vastly exaggerated. Secondly, the product is abysmal. And thirdly, you start dreaming about Deborah Meaden with a giant gherkin on her head. Oh, my goodness. It’s happening already***.

3. As Heard From 1:47 – “It is estimated that someone has a heart attack every two minutes.” Well what the bloody hell are we doing on the phone then?! Let’s find this person and help them. They must be in all kinds of trouble. I’m sorry, but anyone who wants to chat about Nobel Prize winning products instead of helping those who are suffering is not the business partner for me. Shame.

4. As Heard From 1:50 – “More than 1.4 million people have a gina [pronounced gyna].” Well this is factually incorrect for a start. Without wishing to beat around the bush, I would suggest at least half the population have a gina. Even I used to have one. And understandably so. Gina G was tremendous. Anyway, the point is, I can’t work with someone who doesn’t know their facts.

5. As Heard From 2:21 – “Now, for most of us we need to look no further than in The Mirror…” And you’ve lost me. Right here. Any product that can in any way be traced back to Piers Morgan is a no-go area for me.

6. As Heard From 4:07 – “This discovery [the role of the nitric oxide molecule] was so significant that one of these Nobel Laureates in medicine subsequently wrote a book.” What?! This scientist discovered nitric oxide could prevent heart disease so he wrote a book! What? Why? Why didn’t he get on and get this stuff on the shelf in Boots and Superdrug? The Piers Morgan association lost me, this has just baffled me. Save lives or write a book? Tough decision that.**

7. As Heard From 4:31 – “The President of the American Heart Association, Dr. Fell On Him Pushed Her…” Oh, come on! Dr. Fell On Him Pushed Her?! What a total stitch up this was. And I bet the call wasn’t free either. Gits.

*You can see why I thought it might be a penis pump now.

**This takes nothing away from the fact that you won a Nobel Prize. Well done that man. (Though you are a bit dopey.)

***

August 4, 2011
7 Reasons The News of the World Should Hack My Phone

Breaking News: Sienna Miller has received a payout of £100,000 in damages from the News of the World as compensation for hacking her phone. This seems like a nice bit of business for her, but not such a good deal for them. But I have a better one. I would like to propose that the News of the World hack my phone as I believe it would be a mutually beneficial arrangement. Here are seven reasons why.

1. It Would Be Easier. I don’t mind the News of the World hacking my phone. I’ll quite happily consent to it (on my terms). That means that you’ll have to spend a lot less time and money on skulduggery and post-hacking legal fees. Sure, there’ll be less exposure if it’s legal, but the savings will more than offset the loss of free publicity. And the News of the World will be able to stop reporting on the goings on at the News of the World every week, so your staff would be able to get out of the office and get some fresh air. They’d like that. You’d have a happier, healthier work force.

2. It Would Be Different. The tabloid papers are full of stories telling us what celebrities are wearing on the beach and it’s always a bikini that reveals super sizzlin’ so and so’s superb post-baby beach bod/frumpy formerly fab actresses new-found flab/supermodel’s cellulite horror! (delete as appropriate). I don’t own a bikini and display none of those things on the beach so would be a genuine point of difference for your paper. Surely there are people out there that would rather see pictures of a man on a beach dressed in a shirt, jeans and a sensible pair of brogues cavorting with a bag of chips or pointing at a donkey. I also make sandcastles.

3. It Would Benefit My Friends And Family. And that’s important. As a fellow practitioner of the Jonathan-Lee-Method-of-Telephonic-Acknowledgement, I too ignore the phone a lot, as I’m usually busy doing something else; often something to do with writing, babies or writing about babies. This means that I can be quite hard to get hold of. If you hacked my phone then everyone that calls me for information would be able to keep up with what I’m doing in your newspaper and there’d be fewer calls for me to ignore. That would greatly benefit both my friends and the woman with the monotone voice that tells me how many messages I have. She must be quite tired of it.

4. It Would Benefit Me. I often don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or where I’m supposed to be on any given day and my life seems to be an endless whirl of almost-missed appointments and sudden changes of plan. If my phone was hacked, I could read about what I was supposed to be doing that day in the morning paper. That would be a big help. That would save me from buying the diary that I never use once a year and it would save my wife from leaving notes stuck to the espresso machine for me to find in the morning.

5. It Would Be Interesting. I’ll level with you: I know almost nothing about Sienna Miller. She probably spends her time swanning about* in yachts and near red carpets in a gown; I just don’t care enough to find out. I do, however, know loads about myself so it stands to reason** that I’m more interesting than Sienna Miller. Who wouldn’t prefer to find out about the lifestyle of a York-based, tiramisu-obsessed father and humourist? I visit quilt museums and send texts about the war. That’s the sort of stuff that will really shift papers.

6. It Would Generate An Additional Revenue Stream. About 60%*** of my voicemails are from people asking where I am, usually because I’m late or in the wrong place or forgot I was supposed to be somewhere because I didn’t write it down/have time to make a coffee. With phone location and Google Maps though, it would be possible for a live Marc-location to be streamed on the News of the World website. At any given moment readers could find out where I was. I could find out where I was. And where I’d been too. I could also pretend to be a glamorous international gadabout by posting my phone to friends overseas. I’d like that, and the subscribers to the Marc-Locator, the Map-o-Marc, the Marc-o-Loco-Tron (I’ll work on the name) would doubtless find it thrilling. I’d definitely subscribe.

7. I’m Cheaper Than Sienna Miller. I’d quite happily settle for £50,000 to have my phone hacked by Rupert Murdoch. For that, he can have the voicemails, the text messages, the live GPS location, the conversations with my sister about how to dismantle a travel cot and the pictures my wife takes of the cat when I foolishly leave my phone unattended. At £50,000, I’m a bargain. Hack me!

*Free bonus link!

**If we don’t subject this statement to a rigorous analysis.

***Made up figure: I’m not so dull that I spend my time cataloguing and categorising my voicemail messages.

May 13, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Have A Staring Contest With The BBC One Ident Hippo

For one reason – which is why it doesn’t qualify for this site – I had to live pause the TV last night so that Claire and I could watch The Apprentice together. I paused the TV when the Hippo ident was showing. The exact point at which I paused is shown below. Knowing that I had at least fifteen minutes before I could press play, I had a choice. Start the ironing or have a staring contest with the hippo. I chose the latter. This is my story (of why it was a stupid idea).

1. Winning. From the moment I even contemplated staring at the hippo I knew I was going to lose. The only way I could have won is if we had had a power cut. (An unlikely scenario unless I was to attack the fuse box with a cucumber). And yet, despite being fully aware of the highly probable outcome, I still entered the battle. It was pointless, it was a waste of time and I was always going to finish second. Or last. Whichever didn’t come first really. For someone who enjoys winning it was a bizarre and futile decision that did me no favours. When the inevitable did happen a little bit of my aura had been destroyed. I’m was no longer the man I once was. So if you are ever tempted, don’t do it. You’ll never be the same again.

2. Distractions. A couple of minutes into the contest my phone rang. Now, even if I don’t answer my phone, I nearly always look at the display to see who I am going to ignore. It’s a habit. While on this occasion I was strong enough to ignore it, my mind was no longer on the job in hand. It was on who might be calling me. Was it Claire saying she’d be longer than she initially thought? Was it my Mum wondering where the rest of her Mother’s Day present was? Was it Marc wanting to sell me a baby? To this very minute I am not sure if my line of vision flinched towards my phone or not. It’s impossible to say. What I do know is, it did me no favours. When you are staring at a Hippo – especially a picture of one on the TV – you have to be in the zone and you have to stay in the zone. Distractions are zone killers.

3. Fish. I gave myself the benefit of the doubt. I told myself that my line of vision had not altered and so, if I was able, I may re-enter the zone. And, after a few minutes, that is what happened. I know this is what happened because my focus began to drift. The hippo was now a blurred hippo. And then the blurred hippo wasn’t a hippo at all. It was a fish. A fish in side-profile. A scary fish in side-profile. I mean this thing was ugly. It had a pair of lips Leslie Ash would have been proud of and a scaly body that reminded me of this. I am not sure this will work for you – in fact I am not sure I want it to work for you – but if you have a spare ten minutes just stare at the hippo above. If you’re unlucky the fish should appear across the lop of the hippo’s head. The lips appear in the hippo’s right eye if that helps.

4. Guilt. Having rid myself of visions of Piers Morgan and Leslie Ash’s illegitimate child, I then experienced severe pangs of guilt. The hippo was drowning. I had done that. I had paused the hippo and made him tread water. Twelve hours on I am pretty sure he wasn’t drowning at all. I am pretty sure this was pre-recorded footage and all I had done was paused its progress. But at the time, when you’ve been staring at a hippo for approximately thirteen minutes, that type of rational thought doesn’t enter your mind. You really do feel like a hippo murderer.

5. Terror. This is when you realise that the hippo is staring back at you. And he looks angry. Probably because you have made him tread-water for fifteen minutes. He also looks a bit like a crocodile with his nostrils protruding from the water. And that’s when you start panicking. Are you actually on BBC One? Are you sure you’re not watching – and recording – Animal Planet? Do you even have the Animal Planet channel? Is there even a channel called Animal Planet? So, yes. Staring at a hippo for too long makes you go mad. Really quite mad.

6. Visions. When Claire eventually arrived beside me on the sofa and gave me an opportunity to end my ordeal, I realised it wouldn’t be over for a little while longer. All the staring at a bright screen in an otherwise dark environment left me looking through those annoying colour blotches that you are only supposed to get when your eyes are closed. As one does in such circumstances I shut my eyes to try and get rid of them. This didn’t work. Instead I was faced with a vision of the hippo. In sort of a yellow and red mosaic. A mosaic that slowly began to disperse. Which is when I decided I was through and settled back to watch The Apprentice. With the occasional appearance from a fish.

7. Tea. I can barely bring myself to write the words. It went cold.

May 12, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Androids Are Better Than iPhones

We’ve had doors and hairy chests and alien invasions, so what next from 7 Reasons groupie Sam Murray? Well, quite obviously, it’s post about smartphones. So, if you’re thinking of upgrading your handset soon, here’s Sam with some invaluable information. (Just remember to ignore all he says and buy an iPhone).

Long gone are the days where playground bullies proclaim, “my dad is harder than your dad”, the latest insult is more likely to be, “my phone is better than yours”. And if that phone happens to be an android, then I am in their gang and will wedgie anyone that says otherwise.

I could give more than seven reasons why androids are better than iPhones but after discovering the site ’33 Reasons’ doesn’t exist I have come back to share my top seven.

1. Battery Life. iDrain is a more apt description of most iPhones, especially the 3GS or earlier models (as the iPhone 4 has improved) For a phone whose star attraction is the ability to download applications it is a shame that you play and surf at your peril. It is the equivalent of being given the keys to a new Ferrari only to find out the faster you go the less time you will have.

2. Browsing. Although I do like a Safari, the grass might be greener on the other side of the electric fence. Yes the Safari browser on the iPhone is fast and reliable, but flexible? No. It still doesn’t have the ability to operate with Flash which automatically restricts users viewing certain websites. No not those kinds of websites. On the other hand, the Android has a range of browsers which you can choose from ranging from; Dolphin, Opera Mini, Skyfire, Fennec and the default Browser. Everyone loves options and that is the beauty of Android: You have options which all have fast page-load speeds, extensive features, and video support.

3. Open 24-7 – Wider Choice Of Apps. Yes that’s right. 24-7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and without the baggage of paying overtime. The Android is open source so developers all over the world have the ability to tap into the API and create new applications or improve current apps. This freedom sparks ideas and innovations which can help push the Android community forward. It reminds me of the Kurt Russell film ‘Escape from L.A’ where people are left to fend for themselves but hey, Kurt came out of it ok so its fine by me.

4. Wide Range of Choices. I may come across as an anti-iPhone protester so it may surprise you to know that I have one, and I really like it. However, I like “it”, not “them”, or “they”, or any other plural reference as another sad face on the iPhone chalk board is the fact that there is only one phone. This is the 21^st Century; choices are imperative. What happens if you want your handset to come with a QWERTY keyboard? Or if you want a slightly larger screen on your phone? I have to decide what type of sauce I want on my sandwich, I expect the same type of problem when deciding on my handset.

5. Notification – “Excuse Me Sir, You Have A Visitor”. You don’t want to keep opening the front door of your home to check if you have a visitor. That is why we have invented door bells and knockers so why should that be the case on your phone? On the iPhone there is a very limited notification system which means if you want to check if you have a Twitter message or a Facebook comment you have to open the app to find out. However, the Android has a notification bar which alerts users to new voice messages, email messages, Twitter and Facebook notifications, new Gmail messages and plenty more. If an app has a notification, it can let you know quickly, and in the background.

6. Synching with iTunes. The amount of tears that has been the result of wiping music and contacts from your phone after an unsuccessful and stressful synch could fill the Thames. This issue stems from needing to use iTunes to synch your phone whereas with an Android this is not the case. In addition, at times with the iPhone you can sync it with only a limited number of computers. Android phones do not need any such application and you can simply connect the phone into any computer and gain access to pictures, contacts, videos and music.

7. If you can’t beat them, join them… If these six reasons weren’t enough to persuade you then maybe this seventh will: Charlie Sheen has an android. #WINNING

This article was written in association with My Phone Deals who provide a wide range of iPhone, Blackberries and Android phones for 2011. They have everything from the latest phone releases to classic and reliable Nokia’s.

April 16, 2011
7 Reasons The World Needs To Hear From Mrs Morris More

Last week I had the pleasure of catching the end of Rip Off Britain. It’s a show, as far as I could tell, in which Gloria Hunniford, Jennie Bond and Angela Rippon go around the country hearing stories of mass rip off. Despite thinking it should actually have been called Rippon’s Rip Off, the ten minutes I saw were some of the most enlightening minutes in my life. You see, Gloria had gone to visit a little old lady called Mrs. Morris. She was having problems with her phone package and needed help. (Mrs. Morris, not Gloria. Gloria’s got a great package. I expect). Anyway, having shared her woes with us, Mrs. Morris gave the humble viewer some advice. Well, I say ‘advice’, it was more a mantra to living. This is what she said. You can’t really argue with that can you. “If you are paying for broadband and you haven’t got it, don’t pay it.” Genius. Just genius. I’m not suggesting that we should try and make Mrs. Morris, Dame Morris, but I certainly think she should be given her own platform from which she can share her wise words with more of us. We need her in our lives. We need to hear from her more. Here’s why:

1. Love. Many people have been there. Not us, we’re clean. But other people. Other people have been there. They’ve been lonely. They’ve been horny. They’ve got on the phone and ordered a pizza and a prostitute. They’re vulnerable. These people need Mrs. Morris. They need Mrs. Morris telling them, “If you are paying for sex and they’ve finished before the hour’s up, don’t pay for it.”

2. Health. Getting fit always sounds like a good idea. You buy a new pair of trainers, you create a workout playlist, you sign-up to Nike+. Despite this though, nothing seems to be improving. And this is when you need Mrs. Morris telling you, “If you are paying for gym membership but you are getting fatter, actually go to the gym.”

3. Family. In this day and age you have to be very careful. There are some very weird people out there. If we had Mrs. Morris to listen to though – and we followed her advice – we’d be fine. “If someone knocks on the door and claims to be your Dad, make sure it is the same man you said ‘goodbye’ to earlier that day.”

4. Friends. Most of us had to suffer from ‘Mum jokes’ once or twice when we were at school. They weren’t big and they weren’t clever. Well, my friend’s mums weren’t. I don’t think anything annoyed me more than jokes about my mum. One friend in-particular used to make them on a constant basis. If Mrs. Morris had been there though, I could have thought about it rationally, “If your friend calls your mum a MILF, you’ll know your friend is a lesbian.” And she was. Probably still is.

5. Religion. One of the few things each and everyone of us have in common is that we have all been the recipients of an email from an African orphan. Some people ignore it, some people read it and ignore it, some people read it and reply for fun, some people read it and get their bank card out. It is really the latter that require the wisdom of Mrs. Morris, “If a Nigerian you have met on the internet says it is ‘God’s Will’ that you pay him an administrative fee so he can pay £10 Million into your account, make sure you keep copies of your emails.”

6. Politics. I’m not going to tell you which political party I used to canvas for – you can probably guess – but I copped a bit of abuse if I chose the wrong house door to knock on. It took me a year to realise that, while the abuse was tad harsh, what I was doing was bloody annoying. What the hell did it have to do with me who they wanted to vote for? So I stopped. I wish Mrs. Morris had been there though. Telling the unsuspecting bloke whose driveway I was marching up, “When this guy asks you who you are thinking about voting for, tell him you don’t watch Pop Idol and slam the door in his face.” It would have been much better for my morale.

7. Gardening. I can’t remember how many it is, but we lose many brain cells each day. Under such circumstances it is no wonder we forget things. We need Mrs. Morris to replace our brain cells. Reminding us to check things, “If you are paying for a gardener and you can’t remember if you have a garden, look out of your window.” That sort of thing. I once forgot I didn’t have a chair. I ended up lying across someone’s scampi and chips. Mrs. Morris could have prevented this. She really could.

January 24, 2011
7 Reasons Standing Outside Female Fitting Rooms In Zara Is Awkward (For Men)

We’ve all been there. Female changing rooms. Women go in them. Men stand outside them. That, at least, is the usual practice. And it is certainly what I practised on Saturday. In Zara. And when I say it is what I practised, I don’t mean I went into Zara and practised standing outside the fitting rooms. That type of behaviour is strictly frowned upon and usually ends up with you being escorted from the shop by the police. Apparently. So no, I was not practising standing outside the fitting rooms. I was standing outside the fitting rooms in Zara because my girlfriend was inside the fitting rooms in Zara. And boy, is Zara awkward.

1. Positioning. It’s very difficult to know where to stand in Zara. I am no expert – if I was this post would have been called ‘7 Reasons I Laugh At Men Who Feel Awkward Outside Fitting Rooms In Zara’ – but I imagine the optimum place to stand must be at a 45 degree angle to the fitting room entrance. This, at least, is what I am trying to perfect. By standing at a 45 degree angle you can see out of the corner of your eye when your lady steps out of her cubicle to model her potential new outfit for you. It also means that you are not going to be staring at a lot of…

2. Other Women, who keep popping out of their cubicles. I have made the mistake of looking directly at the fitting room entrance before and it’s not a pleasant sight. Quite why other women seem so determined to try and fit into dresses that are at least two sizes too small for them is way above my level of intellect. But this isn’t really the awkward bit. The awkward bit is when the other women see you looking at them with your eyebrows raised. Or your mouth wide open. Or your head shaking. Or your shoulders lifting up and down as if to suggest you may be trying to suppress a titter. Which, coincidentally, is what many of them seem to be trying to do too. Obviously, if you do catch their eyesight, then you quickly look away. Which is when you notice the…

3. Mirrors. So now, instead of looking at other people, you are staring at your reflection. Which seems a little odd so you look to the other side of the fitting rooms. Where there is another bloody mirror. What is it with Zara and mirrors? They are all over the place. And the one you are using now is also being used by a women. So now you are staring at a reflection of a woman trying on a jacket. And now she has noticed you staring at a reflection of her trying on a jacket. And so has her husband. Which is when you turn back to the other mirror. Now you have a choice. Remain fixed on a reflection of you and you alone or look directly at the fitting rooms? Remember, you can’t stare at the floor, look the other way or run because your lady could step out of her cubicle at any moment. And you must be there. Given my previous with staring directly at the fitting rooms. I go for the looking at myself in a mirror option. I’ve done that before. And it hasn’t felt awkward since my Mum caught me singing along to Elvis with a comb. Thankfully, I don’t have a comb with me on this occasion, so instead I try and work out whether my shoulders are more sculpted than before or whether it’s one of those funny mirrors. I then realise someone else is hoping to use the mirror and so I have no option but to turn back to looking directly at the fitting room. This is where you have to resort to Plan Z. The phone. As…

4. Behaviour whilst waiting for someone goes, looking at your phone is the worst kind. Looking at your phone not only screams, ‘I am waiting for someone and I feel awkward,’ it also says, ‘I am bored’. Which is not good. Especially if that is the moment when your lady needs your attention. There is a way to rectify this however. I have named it the ‘look at your invisible phone’ technique. Basically it involves you, pretending you are looking at your phone. Or, in layman’s terms, just looking downwards a bit. You can also throw in some robot dance moves if you feel inclined, but most don’t. The good thing about the invisible phone/looking downwards move is that your periphiral vision still takes in your lady’s location in the fitting room. This is all well and good until you sense there is…

5. Another Man Waiting. This really shouldn’t be a problem. But ridiculously it makes it far more awkward. Not only are you are both checking on the behaviour of the other person to see if you can pick up any good ‘waiting outside fitting room’ tips, you are now in direct competition. You are both proud of your lady and you want to show the other guy that you are the better boyfriend/husband. Unfortunately, this means telling your lady that she looks wonderful in whatever she steps out of the fitting room wearing. Even if you’re not 100% sure about it. That’s until one of you decide you need to step up and show your relationship really is based on honesty about clothes. You need to show that your lady respects your opinion and if you aren’t sure about something she won’t feel let down. Which is when she steps out of the fitting room and you immediately say, ‘I’m not sure about that sweetheart. It’s not you at all.’ And then she scowls at you and you realise it’s what she has been wearing all day. Still, it could have been worse. You could have been standing outside the fitting rooms with…

6. Other Women. And this really is awkward. You feel awkward not just because you keep thinking, ‘Am I standing in the right place? How should I be acting? What the hell is she wearing?’ but because you are never 100% sure what they are thinking. Are they thinking, ‘That’s nice. I wish my boyfriend/husband was happy waiting for me in Zara instead of hanging around in HMV’? Or, are they thinking, ‘I wish security would come and remove this pervert’? I’ll be honest, the latter makes one feel very awkward. Especially when they wander off in the direction of an important looking person. You’re just waiting for a tap on the shoulder. Which is when you realise that your lady has been in the fitting room for a long…

7. Time. What is she doing in there? Is she okay? What happens if her hair has got stuck in a zip and she is now stuck? Do I phone her up? Do I ask a member of staff to go and check? Do I wander down and find out for myself? A knot twists in your stomach. She might be stuck with a dress over her head and you’re not doing anything. You’re just standing here. Feeling awkward. And now you’re feeling awkward for feeling awkward. Why? What have men done to be punished like this? Why does Zara punish men like this? When will this torture end?

September 21, 2010
7 Reasons Text Abbreviations Are Confusing

Via: roadsidescholar.com

1. U2. As in, ‘I’m going to the festival! U2?’ Now what I understand from this is that someone is going to a festival. What I can’t work out is whether they are asking me if Bono is playing, if there is a submarine docking station nearby or whether I am going too.

2. LOL. As in, ‘Was great to see you today. LOL.’ Does that mean lots of love or are they laughing at me? Outloud? Are they being sarcastic? My Mum doesn’t want to see me again does she?

3. ATM. As in, ‘Hi. I’m in Barclays ATM. See you in five minutes.’ What?! How on earth did they get inside an automated teller machine? And how do they know it’s only going to take them five minutes to get out? Is this a regular occurrence? Oh good golly! I’m friends with a serial cashpoint raider.

4. PLZ. As in, ‘It would be great if you could join me plz.’ Again I’m very confused. Do they want me to join them at Port Elizabeth Airport or in a random German postcode (or Postleitzahl)? There is quite a difference.

5. TOY. As in, ‘I hope it goes well today. TOY.’ What is this? A name change? A new signature? Is it a new nickname for me? Do they just think I am a play thing? I’m being used. That means last night I was abused.

6. ENUF. As in, ‘ENUF is ENUF’. The Ethiopian National United Front is The Ethiopian National United Front? Why am I being told this? If I knew one I probably knew the other. Did my previous message imply that I was in a pub quiz? My brain hurts.

7. BOT. As in, ‘Anyway, BOT.’ Are they referring to me as a robot or do they just want to address my backside? Something that sounds quite painful in all honesty. Especially if they intend to use a franking machine. And what happens if they don’t want to treat it as first class? Because I do. I treat my backside with the utmost respect. But I digress, let’s get back on topic.

March 24, 2010
7 Reasons I Don’t Care About Cheryl Bloody Cole

1. Thug. The nation loves Cheryl Cole, so we are told. Do we? I don’t. I’m quite sure that Sophie Amogbokpa doesn’t – that’s the toilet attendant and part-time law student that Cheryl Cole was convicted of assaulting in a nightclub toilet in 2003. The judge at the trial wasn’t particularly taken with her either, criticizing her for having “…showed no remorse whatsoever.” That’s at least three people who don’t love Cheryl Cole. I’m pretty sure my cat doesn’t like her either.

2. Heartbreak. We’ve spent the last two weeks reading about how heartbroken Cheryl Cole is over her husband’s dalliances and now newspapers are reporting that she has a new boyfriend. That’s not heartbreak, it’s not even heartslightlybent or heartatinyweenybitchipped. We can’t blame her for this though, we’ve got an insatiable media hungry for any new angle on this story – it’s selling a lot of newspapers, after all. Poor Cheryl is obviously being exploited by them. After all, if she knew that her every move was being scrutinized by the media, would she entertain a man in her hotel room until 4am? Of course not, unless she wanted to wring yet more publicity out of the story…oh, silly me.

3. America. After the Ashley Cole phone-text-photo story broke earlier this month, Cheryl Cole went off to America to spend some time away from the media spotlight, choosing as her destination the quiet, secluded backwater of Los Angeles. Purely coincidentally, this is where most US television executives are based. Did you know that Cheryl is being considered as a judge on the American X Factor, which Simon Cowell will be launching there next year? How propitious that she should find herself in a town full of television executives – who may not have heard of her previously – at the very moment she has an enormous press-pack following her every move.

4. Attractiveness. Another popular myth about Cheryl Cole is that everyone finds her attractive. This is not true, I don’t. I find her flawless face, small, perky nose and large, almond-shaped eyes a bit weird to be honest. She has the perfect, symmetrical, neotenous visage of a Disney character. Is this really something grown-ups find attractive? Not me. I don’t fancy Cheryl Cole and I don’t fancy Pocahontas. Nor do I lust after The Little Mermaid.

5. Ashley. Whatever you think of Ashley Cole and the way he conducts himself, it’s hard to fault him over the way he’s conducted himself since the story broke. He’s kept quiet about it. He’s just shut up and got on with trying to recover from his ankle injury in time for the World Cup. I’ll level with you, I can’t stand Ashley Cole. I think that the revelations that emerged a couple of years ago – that he cheated on his wife and paused during sex with a girl he’d met at a nightclub, so he could throw up on her bedroom floor, before resuming sex – show an appalling lack of respect for his wife, his marriage, women in general, and carpets. He is obviously a foul and abhorrent rotter. So when Ashley Cole is the one setting the example of how to behave decorously in the face of the media onslaught over the break-up, something is seriously wrong.

6. Cynicism. You can call me cynical but…actually, forget the but, you can call me cynical – I can live with that. I find the whole media obsession with the Coles a bore, and I find Cheryl’s manipulation of that interest exploitative and wholly self-serving. I may have a very cynical view of the whole thing, but it’s nothing when compared to the cynicism with which she is wringing every last bit of sympathy and publicity from the coverage.

7. Does anyone else care? Okay, I have just spent a good bit of time thinking about it, and a fair amount of time writing about it, but I don’t actually care about Cheryl Cole or Ashley Cole (except during England matches), I’m just annoyed by all of the media coverage that their break-up is generating. I’m sure that there are far more important events happening in the world than the break-up of a thug who can’t sing and a footballer who can’t keep his trousers on, I just don’t know what they are because the news agenda is dominated by this non-story. Perhaps something is happening in Haiti, the Falklands, Madeira, parliament, Afghanistan or Northern Ireland. Who knows?

Do you care about Cheryl and Ashley Cole’s break-up? If so, please tell me why via the comments section, as I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something I’m missing.

February 24, 2010